CHICK COMICS THEATER
Don't Try Suicide

Let's take a special look at Jack Chick's ultra hip cashing in on the T-Shirt and back of your truck window "NO FEAR" sticker craze from 1987, titled "NO FEAR?" Jack breaks it to everyone that despite what you may have heard from other folks that have committed suicide, it's not a cool thing.

Come on, Dolly...Lance has a shirt that says NO FEAR and his middle name is NO FEAR, why do you have to ask if he's afraid? But if he's got NO FEAR, why is he afraid that she might tell somebody. What a puss. And if he was any kind of stud, he'd at least invite Dolly over for sex, THEN kill yourself. What's that boy thinking?

Looks like Lance has a pretty tough life. Though he's not sure what happens to him after he dies, he states, "...it's GOTTA be better than this." You know, if my life consisted of sitting in my empty bedroom talking to Dolly on the phone, I'd hang myself too. Though I wonder what exactly Lance tied that rope too, anyway. And if I'm not mistaken, that demon on the right side of the bed is whacking off! I feel sorry for Lance's Mom. Not only does she have to discover her dead son swinging like a pinata, but she's got to clean up the unholy demon spew from his bed, too.

Speaking of NO FEAR, what's with those goofy demons, anyway. I've seen Hot Stuff comics that look more horrifying than those rejects. In the uncensored version of this comic, you'll see poor Lance terrorized by Casper and Baby Huey.

Man, Jack's getting pretty hardcore. If you've seen my analysis of how Chick depicts angels tossing folks into hell, you'll see none are as horrific as this one where his whole body is engulfed in flames. I think if I was on fire, I'd come up with a better screaming sound effect than, "YAAAAAAH!" I'm sure it'd be more along the lines of "HOLY FUCKING CHRIST! GODDAMNIT I'M ON FIRE!" I mean if you're already in Hell, what's the harm in using the Lord's name in vain at that point?

How come God felt it was okay to tip off the Preacher about Dolly, but it was okay to off Lance. Very Darwinian. That's one badass minister smashing through that door, though. If you read this page carefully, you'll notice the Preacher leaves the funeral before Lance's coffin is even in the ground and tears off in his SUV. If I was Lance's family I wouldn't tip that guy. And you know, if the local architects would just stop building these bedrooms with large beams hanging from the ceiling, the suicide rate would probably drop to zero in no time.

THE SHOCKING TRUTH OF HELL! You know, now if I wanted to prevent a suicide, don't you think calling 911 would have been more effective than running on foot to a funeral and convincing a preacher to come and save the day. He was pretty quick, though. If I ever get a heart attack, I'll just tell my wife to screw the ambulance, and go running to the church.

You know, from looking at all those things that Hell is, you'd think they were talking about New Jersey. I notice they left out the more popular, "Hell Is Never Having to Say You're Sorry."

What the hell is Jack Chick smoking here? I can't believe that even made it in print!

Chick is clearly losing his mind here. That Jesus joke alone should send him to hell. OK, I admit it...I messed with the last two pages. They were just too goshdarn boring to do much with. I'm going to Hell, too...

Wait a minute...if Jesus chose to die, doesn't that mean that he committed suicide, too? Holy crap! That's like one of those secret paradox riddles that destroys the fabric of time and space! Let's never speak of this again at least until the NBA 2000 season is over, I have big hopes for The Kings this year, and don't want The Apocalypse fucking it up.

You know, I think the only reason Jack Chick is really against suicide is because it's one less person he has to leave his little comics behind at the bus stops. This is obviously a pretty softball issue compared to his "Rock and Roll Is the Devil's Hammer" type stuff he usually preaches. I mean, how can anyone be PRO-suicide (except in cases involving The Backstreet Boys, or the cast of "Providence"?)