Marrissa MST Archive

This is a listing of the old MSTings done of Stephen Ratliff's Star Trek:The Next Generation fanfics made featuring a bit character from one of the worst episodes of ST:TNG. These fanfics were legendary in their awfulness and energized a whole legion of MSTers. Luckily I had the forethought to save these when I read them, as they appear to have otherwise disappered off of the net. You may be able to get the originals out of Google groups if you're lucky and persistant though.

I originally read these in college and literally fell out of my chair laughing. I apologize that the automated translation I made of these files destroyed the wonderful ACSII art in the text files, but they are easier to read on a browser this way.

I have arranged these in the order they were written, NOT the order they were MSTed, which leads to some of the odd lines in the files where Mike and the Bots complain about not knowing about some previous event that took place in one of the earlier fanfics that wasn't MSTed yet. You'll also notice email addresses and web pages in the documents, they are almost certainly not working anymore so don't bother.

The descriptions on this page are shamelessly stolen from Matt Blackwell's old (broken) site.

Update: Apparently Mike just has a weird layout on his webpage and Google grabbed the old version. A newer (working) version is still available, however I intend to keep this website up since his site doesn't have the cool color coding.

If you're curious how I added the color to those webpages, you can download the script yourself.

If you want to save these yourself, you can grab all of the files in one archive.

  1. Enterprized
    The fanfic that started it all. The Enterprise must travel back in time to rescue the Enterprise-C, despite the obvious damage to the space-time continuum. Wesley Crusher invents a cloaking device that only covers the engineering section, so control of the rest of the ship is handed over to Marrissa and her Kids' Crew. Add in a plot about Gul Dukat invading Earth in a single ship, and hilarity ensues.
    Fanfic awards: three Balsa Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot Contrivance, Worst Characterization of an Established Character), pre-1995 category
  2. A Gul's Revenge
    Gul Dukat tries to get revenge for his defeat at the hands of Marrissa by attacking Bajor. Meanwhile, through a cruel plot twist, both of Marrissa's parents die in battle, and she is adopted by a thoroughly dismayed Captain Picard.
  3. Cadet Cruise
    Picard and newly adopted Marrissa are sentenced to oversee a training voyage full of annoying cadets. However, Marrissa proves more skilled, more disciplined, and more annoying than any of them, so when Romulans decide to invade, she is put in charge of Earth's defense. Finally, young Marrissa is promoted to full ensign, thus beginning her bloodthirsty quest for galactic domination.
    Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst Technobabble), 1995-96 category
  4. Who Q? Where Q?
    Wacky demigod Q transports all of the Enterprise crew members to a medieval battle, leaving Marrissa and her Kids' Crew to negotiate a peace treaty between Bosnians with cheesy scrambled names (i.e., "Sobnia" or "Naklab"). Includes a Romulan body count so high, even Schwarzeneggar would flinch.
  5. Away From Home 1 - The Field Trip
    Ratliff's fifth Marrissa saga was just too big to fit into one story, so this one's divided into three parts. In part 1, young Marrissa's field trip shuttle is attacked and crashes on an uninhabited world. Using nothing but the amazing amount of supplies found in the shuttle and her own power to boss the other children around, Marrissa fights off supposedly tough space pirates in a wacky Home Alone fashion.
    Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst New Character), 1995-96 category
  6. Away From Home 2 - The Away Mission
    Regular Enterprise crewmen are once again rendered completely ineffective as 13-year-old Marrissa leads an away mission behind enemy lines and diffuses a hostage situation with random, uncontrolled violence.
  7. Away From Home 3 - Chasing Marrissa
    Marrissa is hit on by Starfleet perverts, then kidnapped by vengeful aliens from part 1. The usual wacky madcap mayhem ensues. Includes the exciting "who commands what ship where" speech, over and over and over again ad nauseum.
  8. Royal Mess - Part 1
    Star Trek meets King Ralph. An entire royal family of Essex explodes, except for one person, and the Enterprise is called in to investigate. Meanwhile, Picard and Beverly get married, and Marrissa runs several pointless simulations to "train" the rest of the crew, in case the ship is ever invaded by hostile practical jokers.
  9. Royal Mess - Part 2
    This long unfinished MiSTing was finally completed some three years after part 1. In the conclusion, Marrissa apprehends the Romulan and Tracke co-conspirators, who were plotting to kill the entire royal family for some damn reason that is never fully explained. Then the Pope shows up in his souped-up 24th century Popemobile to vaporize the bad guys into space dust. Finally, "A Royal Mess" ends as all good Star Trek stories end -- with a lengthy coronation, a fancy dress party in a shuttlecraft bay, and 25 billion promotions.
  10. Time Speeder
    Story #7 is unlucky for all involved as Ratliff spins his worst yarn of all time. Marrissa, now 15 years old and Second Officer, is on traffic duty when she encounters some anti-Starfleet terrorists on their way to the past to prevent Starfleet from existing. Marrissa follows them back to 1996, where she gets Bill Clinton's help to capture the baddies. Includes a romance between Wesley Crusher and Chelsea Clinton, the revelation that Star Trek is a 100% accurate depiction of our future, and a showcase of Ratliff's extremely poor grasp of U.S. politics and world affairs.
    Fanfic Awards: three Balsa Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot Contrivance, Worst Characterization of an Established Character)
  11. Athena Prospects - Mango version
    First MiSTing of Ratliff's updated "Time Speeder." Marrissa heads back in time to stop an evil plan from destroying Starfleet before it gets started. In the meantime, someone is knocking off the Royal Family of Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton is an intern.
  12. Athena Prospects - Papaya version
    Second MiSTing of Ratliff's updated "Time Speeder." Marrissa heads back in time to stop an evil plan from destroying Starfleet before it gets started. In the meantime, someone is knocking off the Royal Family of Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton is an intern. Hmm. That plot sounds kinda familiar...
  13. A Royal Wedding
    Ratliff's southern background shines through in this story, as half the former Kids' Crew gets married to the other half - Marrissa to Jay, Clara to Alexander - despite the fact that none of them are old enough to buy alcohol. Meanwhile, evil but stupid Romulans decide to crash Marrissa's wedding. As usual, Marrissa then commands a vastly superior fleet to brutally slaughter every last Romulan ship. Marrissa's virginity becomes a major plot element.
  14. The Captain and the Doctor
    This 9th Marrissa story is kinda strange for Ratliff. There are no evil aliens, Marrissa doesn't have any violent psychotic episodes, and the spelling is generally decent. As you might expect, this means the story is about 1/3 as long as usual. C&tD tells the story of how Marrissa gets Picard and Crusher together, happily married, and spitting out kids like no tomorrow. Also, Ratliff apparently thought the phrase "the Captain and the Doctor" was so cute that he decided to insert it in the story about 1000 times.
  15. A New Generation
    Ratliff's 10th chronicles the so-called "War of Romulan Dissolution." First, Riker blows up his second consecutive Enterprise, apparently just to allow Marrissa's new ship to take on the name. Then Captain Marrissa rushes to Riker's rescue, pausing only long enough to destroy her usual quota of Romulan ships commanded by idiots. There is one part towards the end that pretty much sums up this fanfic: Marrissa, who is five months pregnant and has just blown up half the Romulan fleet, is promoted to Admiral. Not only is her bloodthirsty quest of galactic domination nearly completed, but she is also about to spawn. God help us all.
  16. Premier Maguis
    Maquis rebels Ro and Eddington attempt to capture a Starfleet ship by filling it with "Ratliff Gas," which only affects adults. The Kids' Crew is, of course, called on to defend against the Maquis, which they do with the typical precision of a crack team of 10-year-old SWAT members. Ro is captured and put on trial, and Marrissa is selected as her defense attorney. What follows is perhaps the most nonsensical trial since OJ put on his Bruno Maglis.
    Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst Plot Contrivance), 1997 category
  17. Falling Into Command
    Starfleet Command is blown up by Romulans, killing every admiral in the fleet, including Riker (yay!). Picard escapes the slaughter, but is put into a coma after a lot of people step on his face. Since the command structure is completely destroyed and Earth's doom is obviously at hand, a pregnant 24-year-old named Marrissa is put in charge of the whole shebang. Oh, and did I mention that Lwaxanna Troi is the President of the Federation? That would all make for an inspired Trek spoof if it weren't for the fact that this is just Ratliff's 12th literary travesty. The MiSTing is preceded by a Ratliff short, "Dear Isabella," in which Clara talks to the voices in her head.
  18. The Only Constant
    A disjointed series of vignettes in the life of Marrissa and Co. Cardassia and The Dominion join forces and invade the Federation, but for some reason these events take a back seat to Chelsea Clinton's visit to Garak's tailor shop. There's also a confusing Klingon bar fight and Budweiser product placement, and Marrissa goes skinny-dipping.
    Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst Scientific Explanation or Technobabble), 1997 category
  19. All the Kings Horses
    Shortly before "Cadet Cruise," 12-year-old Marrissa and Captain Picard vacation in Picard's hometown in France. There, Marrissa meets a town in much need of therapy, goes tee-shirt shopping, gets over her dead parents, goes skinny-dipping (again), wins the Belmont Stakes, and receives advice from the Pope himself and his sidekick, Father Frances/Francis, the first hermaphrodite ordained by the Catholic Church.
  20. Home For Christmas
    It's a Very Marrissa Christmas as Ratliff once again returns to France for more familial soap opera. The entire story consists of small talk, wine, and a dull Catholic mass - in other words, it's much like Christmas with my family, and about as exciting. Meanwhile, a minor character makes amends with her estranged father - or doesn't, since the story ends rather abruptly at this point.
  21. The Walls of Jellico In his author's notes, Ratliff promises to depict a more fallible Marrissa in this story. Instead, he gives us Henry Jellico, a spineless, incompetent boob who obviously must be evil because he hates Marrissa. Jellico orders a dangerous training mission resulting in several off screen deaths, and Marrissa arrests him, maintaining her record of absolute perfection. In the end, even Jellico decides that, gosh, maybe she isn't so bad after all. Meanwhile, 14-year-old JAG officer/toady Jay Gordon displays amazing powers of mesmerism, and the whole thing ends at a horse race for no damn reason.
  22. The Seventh Fleet
    Marrissa incinerates an entire solar system (it was only a matter of time, really), then takes command of the Seventh Fleet in its battle against the Jem'Hadar. Picard and Clara pontificate, and RATMMer Tom "Foxtrot" Cox babysits little Jackie and Rene. Special cameo appearance by Marrissa's pink panties.
  23. Return to Glory
    An extremely pregnant (and occasionally barefoot) Marrissa heads off to the Klingon Homeworld in an attempt to drag the Klingons into a war with the Romulans. Meanwhile, the Sulu family goes on fleet manuevers while a hacker is loose on the Enterprise. Featuring guest appearances by practically everyone ever to appear on Star Trek, as well as most of the characters from the Wheel of Time series! Oh, and Jen, Odie and Mellie make guest appearances too.
  24. Winning Love By Daylight
    After Marrissa gets turned into the Borg Queen (see Hail to the Queen for the full story), the rest of the crew decides that the Big M needs a rest. And it's not a mutiny! Really! After that, Marrissa and Jay spend the rest of the story examining their navels and making whoopie. Part of the Sailor Moon 2400 cast makes an inexplicable appearance too.
  25. Royal and Prime Directives
    Marrissa and the Enterprise Crew travel to a primitive panel to investigate a former Starfleet office who seems to have set himself up as king. You know, Star Trek plot #8. Along the way, Marrissa begins to wear less and less clothing. And more royals get themselves married.
  26. A Marrissa Twofer
    Two mini-fics in this misting. The first one, "Duty, Loyalty, Trust, Honor" is Marrissa in Marrissa's own words. No plot, mind you, just Marrissa's inner dialog. Part 2 is "But for a Y, Go I", in which the Big M finds true love at last.

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