Marrissa MST Archive
This is a listing of the old MSTings done of Stephen Ratliff's Star
Trek:The Next Generation fanfics made featuring a bit character from one of
the worst episodes of ST:TNG. These fanfics were legendary in their
awfulness and energized a whole legion of MSTers. Luckily I had the
forethought to save these when I read them, as they appear to have otherwise
disappered off of the net. You may be able to get the originals out of Google
groups if you're lucky and persistant though.
I originally read these in college and literally fell out of my chair
laughing. I apologize that the automated translation I made of these files
destroyed the wonderful ACSII art in the text files, but they are easier to
read on a browser this way.
I have arranged these in the order they were written, NOT the order they
were MSTed, which leads to some of the odd lines in the files where Mike and
the Bots complain about not knowing about some previous event that took place
in one of the earlier fanfics that wasn't MSTed yet. You'll also notice email
addresses and web pages in the documents, they are almost certainly not
working anymore so don't bother.
The descriptions on this page are shamelessly stolen from Matt Blackwell's
Update: Apparently Mike just has a weird layout on his webpage and Google
grabbed the old version. A newer (working) version is
however I intend to keep this website up since his site doesn't have the cool
If you're curious how I added the color to those webpages, you can download
the script yourself.
If you want to save these yourself, you can grab all of the files in
The fanfic that started it all. The Enterprise must travel back in
time to rescue the Enterprise-C, despite the obvious damage to the
space-time continuum. Wesley Crusher invents a cloaking device that
only covers the engineering section, so control of the rest of the
ship is handed over to Marrissa and her Kids' Crew. Add in a plot
about Gul Dukat invading Earth in a single ship, and hilarity
Fanfic awards: three Balsa Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot
Contrivance, Worst Characterization of an Established Character),
- A Gul's Revenge
Gul Dukat tries to get revenge for his defeat at the hands of Marrissa
by attacking Bajor. Meanwhile, through a cruel plot twist, both of
Marrissa's parents die in battle, and she is adopted by a thoroughly
dismayed Captain Picard.
- Cadet Cruise
Picard and newly adopted Marrissa are sentenced to oversee a training
voyage full of annoying cadets. However, Marrissa proves more skilled,
more disciplined, and more annoying than any of them, so when Romulans
decide to invade, she is put in charge of Earth's defense. Finally,
young Marrissa is promoted to full ensign, thus beginning her
bloodthirsty quest for galactic domination.
Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst Technobabble), 1995-96
- Who Q? Where Q?
Wacky demigod Q transports all of the Enterprise crew members to a
medieval battle, leaving Marrissa and her Kids' Crew to negotiate a
peace treaty between Bosnians with cheesy scrambled names (i.e.,
"Sobnia" or "Naklab"). Includes a Romulan body count so high, even
Schwarzeneggar would flinch.
- Away From Home 1 - The Field Trip
Ratliff's fifth Marrissa saga was just too big to fit into one story,
so this one's divided into three parts. In part 1, young Marrissa's
field trip shuttle is attacked and crashes on an uninhabited world.
Using nothing but the amazing amount of supplies found in the shuttle
and her own power to boss the other children around, Marrissa fights
off supposedly tough space pirates in a wacky Home Alone fashion.
Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst New Character), 1995-96
- Away From Home 2 - The Away Mission
Regular Enterprise crewmen are once again rendered completely
ineffective as 13-year-old Marrissa leads an away mission behind enemy
lines and diffuses a hostage situation with random, uncontrolled
- Away From Home 3 - Chasing Marrissa
Marrissa is hit on by Starfleet perverts, then kidnapped by vengeful
aliens from part 1. The usual wacky madcap mayhem ensues. Includes the
exciting "who commands what ship where" speech, over and over and over
again ad nauseum.
- Royal Mess - Part 1
Star Trek meets King Ralph. An entire royal family of Essex explodes,
except for one person, and the Enterprise is called in to investigate.
Meanwhile, Picard and Beverly get married, and Marrissa runs several
pointless simulations to "train" the rest of the crew, in case the
ship is ever invaded by hostile practical jokers.
- Royal Mess - Part 2
This long unfinished MiSTing was finally completed some three years
after part 1. In the conclusion, Marrissa apprehends the Romulan and
Tracke co-conspirators, who were plotting to kill the entire royal
family for some damn reason that is never fully explained. Then the
Pope shows up in his souped-up 24th century Popemobile to vaporize the
bad guys into space dust. Finally, "A Royal Mess" ends as all good
Star Trek stories end -- with a lengthy coronation, a fancy dress
party in a shuttlecraft bay, and 25 billion promotions.
- Time Speeder
Story #7 is unlucky for all involved as Ratliff spins his worst yarn
of all time. Marrissa, now 15 years old and Second Officer, is on
traffic duty when she encounters some anti-Starfleet terrorists on
their way to the past to prevent Starfleet from existing. Marrissa
follows them back to 1996, where she gets Bill Clinton's help to
capture the baddies. Includes a romance between Wesley Crusher and
Chelsea Clinton, the revelation that Star Trek is a 100% accurate
depiction of our future, and a showcase of Ratliff's extremely poor
grasp of U.S. politics and world affairs.
Fanfic Awards: three Balsa Waffles (Worst Fanfic, Worst Plot
Contrivance, Worst Characterization of an Established Character)
- Athena Prospects - Mango version
First MiSTing of Ratliff's updated "Time Speeder." Marrissa heads back
in time to stop an evil plan from destroying Starfleet before it gets
started. In the meantime, someone is knocking off the Royal Family of
Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton is an intern.
- Athena Prospects - Papaya version
Second MiSTing of Ratliff's updated "Time Speeder." Marrissa heads
back in time to stop an evil plan from destroying Starfleet before it
gets started. In the meantime, someone is knocking off the Royal
Family of Britain. Oh, and Chelsea Clinton is an intern. Hmm. That
plot sounds kinda familiar...
- A Royal Wedding
Ratliff's southern background shines through in this story, as half
the former Kids' Crew gets married to the other half - Marrissa to
Jay, Clara to Alexander - despite the fact that none of them are old
enough to buy alcohol. Meanwhile, evil but stupid Romulans decide to
crash Marrissa's wedding. As usual, Marrissa then commands a vastly
superior fleet to brutally slaughter every last Romulan ship.
Marrissa's virginity becomes a major plot element.
- The Captain and the Doctor
This 9th Marrissa story is kinda strange for Ratliff. There are no
evil aliens, Marrissa doesn't have any violent psychotic episodes, and
the spelling is generally decent. As you might expect, this means the
story is about 1/3 as long as usual. C&tD tells the story of how
Marrissa gets Picard and Crusher together, happily married, and
spitting out kids like no tomorrow. Also, Ratliff apparently thought
the phrase "the Captain and the Doctor" was so cute that he decided to
insert it in the story about 1000 times.
- A New Generation
Ratliff's 10th chronicles the so-called "War of Romulan Dissolution."
First, Riker blows up his second consecutive Enterprise, apparently
just to allow Marrissa's new ship to take on the name. Then Captain
Marrissa rushes to Riker's rescue, pausing only long enough to destroy
her usual quota of Romulan ships commanded by idiots. There is one
part towards the end that pretty much sums up this fanfic: Marrissa,
who is five months pregnant and has just blown up half the Romulan
fleet, is promoted to Admiral. Not only is her bloodthirsty quest of
galactic domination nearly completed, but she is also about to spawn.
God help us all.
- Premier Maguis
Maquis rebels Ro and Eddington attempt to capture a Starfleet ship by
filling it with "Ratliff Gas," which only affects adults. The Kids'
Crew is, of course, called on to defend against the Maquis, which they
do with the typical precision of a crack team of 10-year-old SWAT
members. Ro is captured and put on trial, and Marrissa is
selected as her defense attorney. What follows is perhaps the
most nonsensical trial since OJ put on his Bruno Maglis.
Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst Plot Contrivance), 1997
- Falling Into Command
Starfleet Command is blown up by Romulans, killing every admiral in
the fleet, including Riker (yay!). Picard escapes the slaughter, but
is put into a coma after a lot of people step on his face. Since the
command structure is completely destroyed and Earth's doom is
obviously at hand, a pregnant 24-year-old named Marrissa is put in
charge of the whole shebang. Oh, and did I mention that Lwaxanna Troi
is the President of the Federation? That would all make for an
inspired Trek spoof if it weren't for the fact that this is just
Ratliff's 12th literary travesty. The MiSTing is preceded by a Ratliff
short, "Dear Isabella," in which Clara talks to the voices in her
- The Only Constant
A disjointed series of vignettes in the life of Marrissa and Co.
Cardassia and The Dominion join forces and invade the Federation, but
for some reason these events take a back seat to Chelsea Clinton's
visit to Garak's tailor shop. There's also a confusing Klingon
bar fight and Budweiser product placement, and Marrissa goes
Fanfic Awards: one Balsa Waffle (Worst Scientific Explanation
or Technobabble), 1997 category
- All the Kings Horses
Shortly before "Cadet Cruise," 12-year-old Marrissa and Captain Picard
vacation in Picard's hometown in France. There, Marrissa meets a town
in much need of therapy, goes tee-shirt shopping, gets over her dead
parents, goes skinny-dipping (again), wins the Belmont Stakes, and
receives advice from the Pope himself and his sidekick, Father
Frances/Francis, the first hermaphrodite ordained by the Catholic
- Home For Christmas
It's a Very Marrissa Christmas as Ratliff once again returns to France
for more familial soap opera. The entire story consists of small talk,
wine, and a dull Catholic mass - in other words, it's much
like Christmas with my family, and about as exciting.
Meanwhile, a minor character makes amends with her estranged
father - or doesn't, since the story ends rather abruptly at
- The Walls of Jellico
In his author's notes, Ratliff promises to depict a more fallible
Marrissa in this story. Instead, he gives us Henry Jellico, a
spineless, incompetent boob who obviously must be evil because he
hates Marrissa. Jellico orders a dangerous training mission resulting
in several off screen deaths, and Marrissa arrests him, maintaining
her record of absolute perfection. In the end, even Jellico decides
that, gosh, maybe she isn't so bad after all. Meanwhile, 14-year-old
JAG officer/toady Jay Gordon displays amazing powers of mesmerism, and
the whole thing ends at a horse race for no damn reason.
- The Seventh Fleet
Marrissa incinerates an entire solar system (it was only a matter of
time, really), then takes command of the Seventh Fleet in its battle
against the Jem'Hadar. Picard and Clara pontificate, and RATMMer Tom
"Foxtrot" Cox babysits little Jackie and Rene. Special cameo
appearance by Marrissa's pink panties.
- WereTorgo, Karen Kallestad, Tom
Currie, Petrea Mitchell, Tv's Francis, Brian Dubic, Satya, Jim Whaley,
and Glazed McGuffin Man (whew!), Awards: two Golden Hamdingers
(Best Group MiSTing, Best Riff), 1998 category
- Return to Glory
An extremely pregnant (and occasionally barefoot) Marrissa heads off
to the Klingon Homeworld in an attempt to drag the Klingons into a war
with the Romulans. Meanwhile, the Sulu family goes on fleet manuevers
while a hacker is loose on the Enterprise. Featuring guest appearances
by practically everyone ever to appear on Star Trek, as well
as most of the characters from the Wheel of Time series! Oh,
and Jen, Odie and Mellie make guest appearances too.
- Winning Love By Daylight
After Marrissa gets turned into the Borg Queen (see Hail to the Queen
for the full story), the rest of the crew decides that the Big M needs
a rest. And it's not a mutiny! Really! After that, Marrissa
and Jay spend the rest of the story examining their navels and
making whoopie. Part of the Sailor Moon 2400 cast makes an
inexplicable appearance too.
- Royal and Prime Directives
Marrissa and the Enterprise Crew travel to a primitive panel to
investigate a former Starfleet office who seems to have set himself up
as king. You know, Star Trek plot #8. Along the way, Marrissa begins
to wear less and less clothing. And more royals get themselves
- A Marrissa Twofer
Two mini-fics in this misting. The first one, "Duty, Loyalty, Trust,
Honor" is Marrissa in Marrissa's own words. No plot, mind you, just
Marrissa's inner dialog. Part 2 is "But for a Y, Go I", in which the
Big M finds true love at last.
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