Who Q Where Q
Just another MiSTing by me. Comments are welcome. Chris Mayfield,
camfield@iastate.edu
[General opening antics]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Mike is sitting with his head in his hands, elbows propped up on
the desk. Crow and Tom have had their arms placed in similar positions.
They all look very bummed.]
All: [sigh]
[Gypsy comes on.]
Gypsy: What's wrong with you guys?
Crow: Dr. Forrester told us that he'd be sending us another Ratliff
fanfic.
Mike and Tom: [sigh]
Gypsy: Come on! You guys have faced worse!
Tom: But this is _Ratliff!_
Mike and Crow: [sigh]
Gypsy: What you guys need is a laugh! Ok--let's see...a priest, a
parson, and a rabbi--um, no...two guys walk into a bar...wait...I know!
What did the big can of beans say to the little can of beans? [pause]
Nothing! Beans can't talk!
[Gypsy looks expectantly at Mike, Tom, and Crow who sit there looking
miserable. After a couple seconds of no reaction, she lowers her head to
the desk.]
Gypsy: [sighs]
[light flashes]
[Commercials]
[SOL. Everyone is lined up head to head to head to head.]
Gypsy: [sighs]
Mike: [sighs]
Tom: [sighs]
Crow: Bud.
Tom: Weis.
Crow: Bud.
Tom: Weis.
[light flashes]
Mike: Knock it off, you two. The Scarecrow and Mrs. King are calling.
[Deep 13. Clayton is gloating. Mrs. Forrester is in the background,
knitting a wool noose.]
Dr. F: Ah, Nelson. You knew it was coming, didn't you? Well, now it's
here! And there's no escape! [laughs maniacally]
Mrs. F: [looks up] Clay, what are you laughing about now? You haven't
been chewing lead chips again, have you?
Dr. F: [annoyed] No, _mother._ I haven't done that since _college._ I'm
a grown man _now._ You don't always--
Mrs. F: [looking at the screen] What is this? Some sort of text
adventure? Is this one of those MUFs or MAPs or something? [shocked]
You're not having cybersex are you?
Dr. F: [under his breath] I wish...
Mrs. F: What was that?
Dr. F: Uh...I said I wish...to show you my latest experiment. It's
called a MiSTing. It's a text version of my regular experiments. Right
now I was getting ready to send them a Ratliff fanfic when--
Mrs. F: [standing up] Ratliff? _Stephen_ Ratliff?
Dr. F: [shocked] You've heard of him?
Mrs. F: Of course I've heard of him! Wherever discussions of pain and
misery are, there'll be talk of Ratliff. I've read some of his fiction
in Evil Reader's Digest. Clayton, I had no idea you worked with such a
pillar of malificence!
Dr. F: [rather proud] Well, you know...what can I say?
Mrs. F: So, what is it? Enterprized? A Gul's Revenge?
Dr. F: Who Q? Where Q?
Mrs. F: I don't believe I've read that one.
Dr. F: Don't worry, mom. Just watch the monitor. As for you, Nelson,
here it is, steaming hot from Ratliff's Web page. Bite down hard.
[pushes the button]
[SOL. Chaos.]
All: We've got fanfic sign!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>Who Q? Where Q?
Crow: I put up with Ratliff putting Marrissa in charge of the Enterprise
saucer section, having her outsmart all the grownups, and being
promoted to whatever, but if Ratliff makes her one of the Q continuum,
I quit.
>
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Mike: ASCII Art: The Next Generation.
>A Girl's voice recites:
> Space ... the final frontier. There are the voyages of the
>starship Enterprise. Her mission,
All: _Her?_
Tom: I've heard about revisionism, but...
> to seek out new life, new
>civilizations,
All: To lamely go where everyone has already trampled to death.
> to boldly go where no one has gone before.
> At least that is what the Enterprise is suppose to be doing.
Tom: But with Ratliff writing, who knows what'll happen.
>Lately all the new life the Enterprise has seen is Nurse Ogawa's
Crow: [singing] Welcome to Nurse Ogawa. Music and food for twenty yen...
> new
>baby. The civilization we are working with this time is centuries old.
Mike: Aren't all civilizations pretty much centuries old? I mean, you
don't find "new" ones, just meet old ones for the first time.
>As for going were no one has gone before,
Tom: [Marrissa] Been there, seen that, done it.
> the Enterprise hasn't done
>that in over a year.
Mike: Ever since we got canceled.
> But then again a twelve and a half year old
>doesn't usually command a diplomatic mission either.
All: [weeping and gnashing of teeth]
Tom: God, please smite me now.
> That suprizes you doesn't it?
Crow: It really shouldn't. After all, we knew it was a Stephen "Plot
Contrivance" Ratliff story.
> Then let me introduce myself. I
>am Marrissa Amber Picard,
Tom: Evil Incarnate.
> adopted daughter of Captain Jean-Luc Picard,
>and commander of the Enterprise's Kid's crew.
Mike: [Marrissa] I'll be your guide to Hell for the following hour and a
half.
> I hold the rank of
>Ensign in Starfleet with all rights and privileges that entails.
Crow: I get first shot at the slurpee machine.
> I
>have commanded two ships at various times (the Maine and the Enterprise
>saucer section.)
Tom: Can voice-overs have parenthetical asides?
> for a total of 2 weeks. At this time I have 54 hours
>of Starfleet Academy credit.
Mike: I klepped out of Psych 101 and English 104.
> In fact I was completing 3 of those hours; Tactics 360,
>Diplomatic Negotiation;
Tom: Ah, yes, Tactics 360: being able to twist the words of your enemies
around until no one can tell what they really meant.
> when this began. I was waiting for my father,
>Captain Picard, by Holodeck Six ...
Crow: Come. Let us go there, back into the recesses of my memory...
>
> "I wish Dad would hurry up and get here so I can get this over
>with," Marrissa muttered. "Computer what time is it?"
Mike: [computer] It's past your bedtime.
> "1530,"
> "He's a half a hour late," She fumed.
Tom: Just another example of the increase in adolescent smoking.
> "Computer locate Captain
>Picard."
> "Captain Jean-Luc Picard is not aboard the Enterprise."
Crow: He got out of this story while the getting was good.
> "Computer who is presently in command of the the Enterprise."
Tom: The the Eye Creatures.
> "The Senior officer aboard, Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard."
>
Mike: Let the stupidity begin!
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>Marrissa's Personal Log
>presently Acting Commanding Officer USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D
>
> Where has all the rest of the crew gone? Or at least those who
>rank above me? I don't know.
Tom: I don't care.
> I quickly found out that, what ever had
>happened,
Mike: It was outside the bounds of any shred of believability.
> it left on the kids on board. So I have only 76 people to
>control
Crow: Whoa! Hello Ms. Power Trip!
> this ship, and on 56 of the being worth anything. I quickly
>sent my Kid's Crew to work.
Tom: In the salt mines.
> I sent Clara to Enginneering and Jay to
>organize the rest of my crew.
Crow: [Jay] Everyone who's potty trained, you're Security.
> Within ten minutes, the ship was
>beginning to be staffed and we were looking into our mission. I
>arrived at the bridge first
Mike: [Marrissa] I call shotgun!
> and took up CONN until the regular Kid's
>crew officer arrived ...
>
> "Computer, records search,
Tom: They still have LPs in the future?
> determine the pricise time the
>command crew dissappeared and link all visual records covering that
>time for tactical's reveiw," Marrissa said as Patterson Supra,
Mike: William Carlos Williams' little known sequel.
> the new
>chief of Security arrived. "Patterson, I want to Know
All: [singing] Iiiiiiii want to knoooooow...
Tom: I want to know about interesting character development.
Mike: Not in this fanfic.
Crow: I want to know about realistic dialogue.
Mike: Uh-uh. Not here.
Tom: I want to know about lame storylines, static characters, and
unbelievable plot evolution.
Mike: Anyone else?
Bots: NO!
Mike: Oh well. You're going to get it anyway.
> exacty who or
>what caused these disappearances."
> "Aye, sir," Patterson replied.
> Clara Sutter arrived next.
Crow: But by that time, all the jelly donuts were gone.
Mike: [Clara] Free continental breakfast my ass! I want real food!
> The Cheif Engineer and Second
>Officer was wearing the new yellow and blue secuirty and engineering
>outfit
Tom: Yellow and blue? Ugh. Better hope Mr. Blackwell isn't alive in the
24th century.
> as she reported, "Engineering is staffed. Shayna and I chould
>find no engineering reason for the disappearances- yet."
Mike: Insert ominous chord here.
> Jay Gordon, the first officer, arrived in the red and blue
>command uniform.
Crow: Dressed for duty or disaster, Jay Gordon knows the importance of
fashion. Our first officer is sporting a hot little red and blue number
that says, "I'm a kid, but _I'm_ the boss."
> "Duty schedule is posted," he said. "Alpha shift is
>reporting for duty. I have assigned people to take care of the younger
>children and feed all the pets.
Tom: [Marrissa] But who's going to fed _us?!_
Mike: It's Jim Henson's Donner Party Babies.
> Note that security will handle the pet
>feeding for the rest of the voyage."
Crow: Where's Spunky?
Mike: I fed him to Alexander.
> "Notation made, Number One," Marrissa said as the chief of
>operations, Alexander and the Conn Officer, Heather Cowhig, arrived.
>"Jay you have the bridge.
Tom: Gee, thanks, and I didn't get you anything.
> I am going to see about our mission."
>
> "Computer, open a channel to Admiral Okie
All: From Muskogee.
> at Starfleet
>Diplomatic San Francisco," Marrissa ordered. Admiral Edward Okie,
>middle aged man with a handle bar mustache
Mike: And a banana seat forehead.
> appeared on screen.
>"Admiral Okie this is Ensign Marrissa Picard, presantly in command of
>the Enterprise."
> "Where is Captain Picard?" Okie asked.
> "All I know
Crow: Which isn't a whole heck of a lot.
> is that the computer tells me that I am the only
>officer left," Marrissa responded. "Engineering problems have been
>ruled out though."
Crow: How much thought did that take?
Tom: [dumb voice] Duh, do warp core breaches only affect adults?
> "What happened?"
> "The adult crew has dissappeared,"
Mike: And none of them have sent child support.
> Marrissa said. "No one over
>the age of 18 is left on board.
Crow: [Marrissa] Billy has a navigator's permit, but we need someone
over the age of twenty one to ride up front.
> We have no medical crew, a slim
>security staff, but elsewere we have sufficant staff."
Tom: So a crew of 76, only 56 which can actually _do_ anything, none of
whom have _any_ experience, are able to run the largest, most advanced,
most complicated ship in Starfleet? I DON'T THINK SO!
> "Just how much do you know about the Naklab Situation?" Admiral
>Okie asked, curious.
Crow: [Okie] Forget about the disappearance of 1400 senior staff
members; I want to get your view on current events.
> "The Naklab system has four inhabited class M planets, Bresa,
>Troac, Nevolsia, and Sobnia,"
Tom: Oh, it's a Junior Jumble.
Crow: Serb(i)a, Cro(a)t(i)a, Slovenia, and Bosnia. And it spells out:
Aii!
Mike: Which is just how we feel.
> Marrissa said. "They were colonized by
>people from the Balkan area on Earth.
Mike: Who just happened to love anagrams.
> The current situation involves
>everyone but Nevolsia.
Crow: You guys go ahead. I'll just sit this war out.
> Bres and Troac both claim Sobnia. Sobnia has
>declared independence. The Bres have Sobnia's capital under seige.
Mike: With Steven Seagal!!
>The only thing that is keeping this tinderbox
Tom: I think the correct phrase is "powderkeg."
> from erupting in flames
>is the promise from all sides that they will not open or advance
>hositilites during negoitation."
Mike: Plus we promised that if they were all good they could stay up and
watch Letterman.
> "You keep well informed," Okie said. "Your Captain was to be
>the thirteenth mediator we sent.
Crow: Nothing ominous in that.
> All previous medaitors either gave up
>or left in a box.
Tom: I've had a grudge against Picard for years! I was finally going to
get rid of him! And I would have succeeded if it hadn't been for you
pesky kids!
> Only the promise that we would send Captain Picard
>of the Enterprise kept them from resuming hostilites this time. Now it
>looks like the children in the tinderbox have found the matches."
Crow: Heh, heh. Fire. Cool.
Mike: Stop that, or I'll use those "special parts" to fix the garbage
disposal.
> "Perhaps not," Marrissa tentatively suggested.
> "Of coarse it's a complete diasaster,"
Tom: What? The spelling?
> Okie said. "Something
>causes the flagship of the fleet to lose its captain leaving his
>daugher Marrissa Pic-ard ...
Crow: Pic-any card...
> Wait a minute here,
Mike: I've just had an incredibly stupid idea!
> Perhaps I still can
>sent Captain Picard, not the one that they were exspecting
Tom: [Okie] Then war is sure to erupt!
> but I didn't
>say I was sending Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Marrissa Amber Picard, you
>are here by promoted to the field commission of Captain.
Crow: I wanna be there when they court-martial this guy for stupidity
above and beyond the call of duty.
> You are
>ordered to medaite the Naklab dispute until releaved by myself or
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Mike: Or you leave in a box.
Crow: Hey! This might not be so bad after all!
Tom: Who are you kidding?
> or at the completion of this mission Admiral
>Necheyev. Congratuations Captain. You are permited to draft any
>officers you need
Mike: Hey! Draft Wesley and then shoot him into space!
> from the Starfleet Base on Nevolsia. Starfleet out."
>
>Marrissa's Personal Log, Supplimental
>
> What have I got myself into.
Crow: Evidently not correct punctuation.
> I haven't even taken the exam in
>TACT 360, Diplomatic Negotiation and now I am to medaite a dispute that
>has its roots in the 1300s and looks like the situation in 1990. I
>wish Starfleet Colonization
Mike: New from Sid Meier.
> hadn't assigned these mortal enemies to the
>same star system.
>
> Marrissa entered the bridge wering
Crow: Ah! She's a lycanthrope! Quick, shoot her with some silver
bullets!
Tom: Just shoot her. Period.
> captain's pips. "Status
>CONN?" she asked sitting down in the captain's chair.
> "Now entering the Naklab system," Heather replied.
Mike: [Marrissa] Huh? Sorry, I got distracted by these little buttons on
the arm. Click click click. Cool.
> "Take us out of warp and set a coarse for Nevolsia," Marrissa
>said.
Tom: [kid] Uh, is that near the mall?
> "Captain, the list of possible CMOs is has just arrived from
>Nevolsia Base," Patterson said.
Crow: But I want to keep going to my old doctor!
Tom: CMO, Crow, not HMO.
> "All bridge crew note the Mission Briefing will be in a hour
>after we enter orbit," Marrissa said. "Jay join me in the ready room.
Mike: Put on your gladiator costume.
>Clara you have the bridge."
>
[Commercials]
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>Marrissa's Personal Log
>STARDATE 48125.56
>
> Jay and I looked though the various candidates for Cheif
>Medical Officer.
Tom: Dr. Kevorkian...Dr. Giggles...Dr. Denton...Dr. Forrester...
> We found the perfect one. His picature told the
>story,
Crow: [Marrissa] Who cares about qualifications? He's _dreamy!!_
> his eyes were crossed and his tongue stuck out to one side.
>Leiutenant Jackson Johnson will fit right in.
All: [singing] Jackson Johnson Jingleheimer Schmitz! His name is my name
too!
>
> Captain Marrissa Picard stood in the transporter room with
>Shayna Sachs, a brown haired girl at the controls. "The Doctor is
Tom: In.
>ready to beam on board," Shayna said.
> "Beam him aboard, Shayna," Marrissa ordered.
> A thin blond-hared man in Medical Uniform materized.
Mike: Zuben Materized?
Crow: Sounds painful.
>"Permission to come aboard," Dr. Johnson asked.
Tom: [Marrissa] You didn't say "mother may I." Shayna, beam him into the
void.
Mike: Feeling a little dark today?
> "Granted," Marrissa said. "Shayna will take your stuff to your
>quarters, while we attend a staff meeting."
Crow: Wait a moment! That's child labor! This whole operation could be
shut down!
Mike: Wishful thinking.
> "Do I report to the Captain there?" Dr. Johnson asked as the
>exited the transporter room.
Tom: I wonder if Dr. Johnson is any relation to Big Johnson.
Crow: Yeah. He has a t-shirt that says, "Big Johnson Rectal
Thermometers; they're a huge pain in--"
Mike: That's quite enough, Crow.
> "You already have reported to the Captain," Marrissa said with
>a smile.
Mike: Then her smile spread into wild cackling laughter, then a howl of
the utterly damned.
Tom: Are _you_ feeling a little dark today?
> "Come again, Miss," the Doctor said puzzled.
> "I am the Captain,"
Tom: I am the Eggman. Goo goo g'joob.
> Marrissa said entering the turbolift with
>the doctor. "Bridge."
>
> Marrissa and Doctor Johnson entered the observation lounge
Crow: [Marrissa] Highballs! All around!
> to
>join the Kid's Crew Command Crew.
Tom: It's two! Two! Two crews in one!
> Marrissa sat down at the head of the
>table and Doctor Johnson took the seat to her left.
Mike: [Johnson] It's my chair now! You can't have it!
> "As we've had some changes in our crew since our last mission
>some seven months ago,"
Crow: Yeah, like 99% of the crew disappeared.
> Marrissa opened the meeting, "we will introduce
>ourselves. I'll start and then we will rotate to the right. Please
>give your name, rank, and position
Mike: And which Lawrence brother you think is the cutest.
> or positions. I'm Marrissa Amber
>Picard, field Captain, and Commanding Officer."
Crow: Joey!
> "I'm Jay Gordon, acting Leiutenant Commander, and First
>Officer," the 10 year old boy beside Marrissa said.
Tom: Matt!
> Then next to him a 10 year old with long black hair piped up,
>"I'm Clara Sutter, acting Leiutenant, Second Officer and Cheif
>Engineer."
Crow: Andy!
> Beside her a 7 year old boy spoke up, "Patterson Supra, acting
>Leiutenant, and Cheif of Security."
Mike: D.H!
Bots: Huh?
> Across from her was a red-headed teenager said, "Heather
>Cowhig, Conn Officer, Cadet."
Tom: Here at the Miracle Mile, we have the world's largest selection of
cadets, portlies, double knits...
Crow: Eddie, are you kidding?
> Beside her a Klingon spoke up, "Alexander, acting
Mike: Oh, I don't know about that.
> Leiutenant,
>Cheif of Operations."
> Then the Doctor spoke up, "Doctor Jackson Johnson, Cheif
>Medical Officer, full Leiutenant."
Mike: So there. Nyah.
> "Now that everyone knows who is what, lets get down to
>business," Marrissa said.
Tom: [Marrissa] Third quarter profits are down and I want to know why!
> "For the most part this mission will be
>easy.
Crow: Try not to die.
> With the exception of Security, Medical and myself.
Mike: And the rest of the sentence.
> We are
>assigned to mediate the dispute over the planet Sobnia. In addition we
>are to provide medical assistance to the people of Sobnia.
Tom: We're going to kiss Sobnia and make it all better.
> I
>personally will be medaite the dispute between the parties of Bresa,
>Troac, and Sobnia."
> "They must be really despurt," Dr. Johnson said.
Crow: YES!! Finally a glimmer of light amidst the impenetrable gloom!
> "The're despurt alright," Marrissa replied. "Jay will you
>update us on our personal problem."
All: [clear throats]
Mike: [Jay] I told you not to bring up our "personal problem" in public.
> "We will need about 30 more security officers and about a
>hundred medical personal according to Mr. Data's personal needs
>Annylist
Mike: [singing] Lovely Jenny Anylist...
> Program," Jay said. "We should be able to pull the personal
>from Nevolsia base."
Tom: You don't suppose a that base might have some personnel more
capable of running a starship than a bunch of kids, do you?
> "I don't think Mr Sonak has that many doctors and nurses
>available," Docto Johnson said.
Crow: No, they just happen to have an entire medical fleet available.
> "He does," Marrissa said. "They are waiting for the newly
>commissioned Galaxy class starship Independence and the Medical ship
>Nightengale. Which won't arrive for a week and a month respectively.
Crow: Doh! I should have guessed!
Tom: But if it won't arrive for a month, then what are they doing on
some backwater planet waiting around?
Mike: Just because it's the 24th century doesn't mean they're efficient.
>Now on to the disappearance of the regular adult members of this crew,
>Patterson."
Tom: [Patterson] All we found was "Croatoa" carved into a bulkhead.
> "Visual Logs indicate that the crew disappeared in individual
>flashes of light,"
Mike: Spontaneous combustion!
> the young boy responded. "The transfer of command
>was directly from Captain Jea-Luc Picard to Marrissa Picard. This
>incates lots of power was used."
Crow: Could you be a little more vague?
> "Explainations?" Marrissa asked. "Engineering?" Clara nodded
>negatively.
Mike: [nodding] Yes it's not.
> "Any possiblities?"
> "Possible," Clara suddenly spoke up. "Computer run a
>comparison
Crow: [computer] Diet Dr. Pepper _does_ taste more like regular Dr.
Pepper!
> of the flashes in visual logs on STARDATE 48125 with those
>produced by Q."
> "There is a 95.637% correlation," the computer responded.
Tom: It's close enough for significance.
> "Any other possiblities," Marrissa asked. When no one spoke up
>she continued, "Then we will move on to shift command assignments. As
>I will be busy this mission Alpha shift will be Jay's.
Mike: Jay's shift is the alpha and omega.
> Gamma shift
>will remain Clara's and Beta will be Alexander's. Your subs if you
>need them will be Patterson for Alpha, Shayna for Beta, and Heather for
>Gamma. Any Questions?
Crow: [despondently] Why? Why, God? Why why why?
> -- Then this meeting is over."
> The crew filed out onto the bridge, with the exception of
>Doctor Johnson and Patterson who when
Tom: Where, why, and how.
> to staff their departments.
>
> A hour later, Patterson entered the Bridge, "All new staff is
>on board," he said as he took up
Crow: Needlepoint.
Mike: [Patterson] Has anyone seen my dove cross-stitching?
> tactical.
> "Heather set a coarse for Bresa," Marrissa ordered. Suddenly a
>flash appeared in front of the veiwscreen. Q had arrived.
Crow: My man Q's in da house!
> "Wecome to
>the Enterprise Q,
Tom: [Q] No, no, no. _I_ come to the Enterprise.
> I take it you are responsable for the disappearance
>of the regular crew of this starship."
Mike: Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in a
court of law.
> "Yes," Q replied.
> "Where are they?" Marrissa asked.
> "Defending a Medevil
Mike: No, no, no. Me Jane, _you_ Satan.
Crow: Can we do that joke twice?
> castle."
> "When will they be back?"
> "A week."
Tom: Give or take a year.
> "Thank you Q," Marrissa grinned. She got up and continued
>speaking while walking to the turbolift.
Crow: Yeah, but can she pat her head while rubbing her stomach?
> "Jay you have the bridge.
>I'll be in my quarters. See to Q's needs and I'll see you in the
>mourning."
Tom: I want you all dressed in black.
> "Come back here," Q said.
> "Why?" Marrissa asked as she enterd the turbolift. "You've
>told me all I need to know." the doors closed.
Mike: When did the doors learn how to talk?
> "She walked out on me, no one ever walked out on me before," Q
>said dejectedly.
Crow: Hey Q, you're an omnipotent being. You can wipe her completely out
of existence. Capish?
> "You've never had a girl walk out on you?" Jay said. "I'm ten
>years old
Mike: Not that that has any relevance to anything whatsoever, it's just
the truth.
> and Clara has already done that to me. For someone who knows
>everthing you sure are inexperienced."
Tom: [Q] Nonsense. I've met lots of preteen girls. I mean--
> "But you don't expect a Captain to walk out on a all-knowing
>all-powerful being," Q replied.
> "What do you exspect?"
Mike: A coherent plot?
Crow: A minimal amount of proofreading?
> Jay asked. "Marrissa to tremble at your
>feet, get in line. Let's see you've got Leiutenant Worf and the
>Cardassian and Romulan Empires
Tom: I'll trade you the Borg and two Spocks for them.
> ahead of you."
> "Popular girl," Q smiled. "I've gout
Mike: Try a warm salt bath. It does wonders.
> to get to know her
>better."
> "Now what do you need Q?"
> "Nothing really."
Tom: [Q] After all, I'm omnipotent.
> "Then if you don't mind leaving the bridge, I've got work to
>do."
Crow: Some of us happen to have _jobs._
> "I'll leave you to your work then. Why want to grow up so fast
>is beyond me, though."
Mike: Here we see the author's wistful desire to recapture his faded
youth, framed by a cynical rejoinder.
> Q vanished.
>
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>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> "Anymore items on the agenda, Number one," Captain Jean-Luc
>Picard asked.
Mike: Investigate the question mark shortage in this fanfic.
> "There is the matter of Captain Morris's search for officers
>and crew for the Independence," Commander Riker said.
Tom: She woke up one morning and they were all gone. She's looked all
over the quadrant for them.
> "Who has been approached?" Picard asked.
> "I turned down the first officer's position," Doctor Crusher
>said. "Why it was offered to me is beyond me."
> "I turned down that position as well," Data said. "However my
>assistant, Leiutenant Gordon has accepted the second officer's
>position."
> "I turned that position down," Worf said.
Mike: Don't any of these people have any ambition?
Crow: Star Trek: Generation X
> "I decided agaist the first officer's position myself," La
>Forge said.
> "I'm still thinking about the offer of first officer," Couselor
>Troi stated. All eyes turned toward her. "It's not something one can
>easily pass up."
Tom: Why not? Everyone else seemed to.
> Suddenly a flash filled the room. When it had subsided the
>room had changed. The walls and floor were stone. Maps covered the
>walls and the table was a scale model of a two-castle town and the
>surrounding countryside.
Mike: Q's whisked them away to a gaming convention!
> The uniforms of the command crew had changed as well. Captain
>Picard was wearing purple robes and a gold crown with a large ruby at
>the front. Riker sported black armour with a red loin emblazed on it.
Mike: I really, really, _really_ hope that was a typo.
Crow: It certainly fits Riker, though.
Tom: Plus it gives new meaning to the words "phallic symbol."
>Data and Troi were dressed as archers. La Forge was arrayed as a
>blacksmith.
Crow: That's _African-American_ smith.
> Worf sported chainmail and was holding his Klingon
>Bat'leth. Dr Crusher ha
Mike: She's no doctor. Don't make me laugh.
> apparently became Sister Beverly, judging from
>her habit.
> "What the hell," Picard exclaimed.
Crow: No. Not hell. Just a Ratliff story.
> "Q, it has to be Q," Riker said.
Mike: [singing] It had to be Q...
> A flash occured by the door and Q entered the room. "You
>called, Your Royal Highness," he said. Q was dressed like the Pope
>saying Easter Mass.
Crow: I'd say he was monomaniacal, but he's all powerful.
> "What are you up to this time Q?" Captain Picard asked.
Mike: [Q] I'm taking you to the Renfest! Huzzah!
> "Always to the point Jean-Luc," Q said. "The continuim has
>commissioned me to make a full report on humans,
Crow: [Q] My report on Humanity, by Q. Humanity has lots of people...
> before you destroy
>yourselves.
Tom: Humans: unsafe at any speed.
> In this encounter you will be, how do you humans put it,
>ah, killing
Tom: [Worf] Yea!
> two birds with one stone. I've increased the size of my
>samples and I see how well today's humans can defend themselves."
> "And how are you going to do that?" Picard asked.
> "Simplicity itself," Q replied, "you and 915 of you closest
>friends
Crow: Join this calling circle. Then, you save 20% on all your calls.
> will be defending this midevil castle town
Tom: It wasn't the best of towns, nor the worst. It was the Village of
the Darned.
> you see before you.
>You have been given the following jobs; Picard you are the King,
>Riker
Crow: Queen.
> Prince and Commander of the Town Garrisson; Data, Master Archer;
>Troi Master Hunter;
Mike: Eric, cavalier; Bobby, barbarian.
> Dr Crusher, the nun in charge of the hospital; Worf
>Master Swordsman; La Forge Master Weaponsmith.
Tom: Ratliff, Master Disaster.
> In additoin to the
>entire adult compliment of your ships the crews of the Brattain, Tian
>Nan Men, Hemingway
Mike: Stephen Ratliff was an author. Do not think that I was impressed
with this fact...
> and Miranda will assist you as the crews of sailing
>ships."
> "Tomarrow at dawn the enemy will attack," Q continued. "You
>will if you are sucessfull, defend this place until the seventh day
>dawns.
Crow: [Picard] Then what?
Mike: [Q] Um...I haven't thought that far yet.
> The rest of your crew awaits you in the castle courtyard. The
>Captains of the sailing ships are waiting for you at the harbor keep."
> "Who is in command of the Enterprise Q?" Picard asked. Q
>remained silent. "Who Q?"
Tom: Why Q? Why why why why why...
> "All right I didn't want to inform you yet but you insisted," Q
>replied.
Crow: If you treat him right, Q is really just a big softy.
> "Your daughter, Marrissa, is in command. In about an hour
>Admiral Okie
All: From Muskogee!
> will be appionting her Captain by field promotion.
Mike: In about an hour and five minutes he'll be wondering what the hell
was going through his mind when he did.
> She
>will mediate the Naklab dispute much better than you." With that Q
>departed.
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen; Q has left the space-time continuum.
> "Well it looks like we better get down to business," Captain
>Picard said. "We've got 3 gates to defend, North Bridge, West Bridge
>and South Gate. We will need experienced swordsmen to command at each
>gate."
Mike: [Picard] Riker, you train everyone this afternoon.
> "I suggest Lieutenants Worf, Barclay, and Dean," Commander
>Riker said.
Tom: We've been needing to weed out some of the more minor characters
for a couple of seasons now.
> "Agreed," Picard ordered. "WOrf you have South Gate. Chose 75
>people for each gate.
Crow: I call Dean! That means you get Barclay!
Tom: No fair! I had Barclay last time!
> Data, Troi orgainize archery units. Riker form
>a sortie group, but first breif the rest of the crew. La Forge find
>the weopons room and get them distrubed, then take a group of engineers
>on a tour of the wall
Mike: Here we see an example of middle ages mortaring. Note the use of
irregular flagstones...
> to see if anything can be improved. I'll be at
>the Harbor Keep breifing the starship captains Q mentioned."
>
> Captain Picard arrived at the Harbour Keep a small castle-like
>fort in gray marble over looking the gated harbour.
Tom: They fenced in the entire ocean.
> The journey
>thought town had been a pleasenat one. He had gone though small
>streets to the large harbour complex. On his way in Jean-Luc Picard
>noticed the ships.
Mike: Well, whaddaya know? There's some ships!
> They were two masted affairs with
>white sails. On the top of the first mast flew the seal of the United
>Federation of Planets on a white background,
Crow: Just above the Plague Carrier flag.
> the second, the Starfleet
>insigna in red and white on black. The ships were named Brattain,
>Hemingway, Miranda, and Tian Nan Men.
Tom: What's Tian Nan mean?
Mike: I think it's Chinese for "Twelve Angry."
> As Picard enterd the main room of the keep, he spoted
All: Ewww!
> four
>people dressed like Q had been we he had first appeared on the
>Enterprise over seven years ago.
Crow: Right about when we premiered on cable television.
Tom: Wow. What a long, strange trip it's been.
> The worked well on to two of them,
>but on the other two it was not so. In fact it was positively sloppy
>on the half vulcan captain of the Miranda, T'Gwen Washington.
Mike: I cannot tell a lie. It would be illogical.
> "Captain Picard what are you doing here?" Captain Phillip
>Andrews of the Brittain asked.
> "Yes-es, I thought you were mediating the Naklab dispute,"
>Captain Yuki Yoshida of the Tian Nan Men stated.
Tom: "Yes-es?" Is that a racial slur?
Crow: No, it's a racial lisp.
> "I was to, but Q desided that I needed I more challenging
>week," Picard replied.
Mike: The understatement: a vital element of humor.
Crow: If he was any droller he'd be _dead!_
> "So Q is behid this mess," Captain Victoria Ohlin of the
>Hemingway said. "I always wanted to meet that entity."
> "Q, all powerful, all knowing entity, and member of the Q
>continuemuim
Mike: Is that a Cage piece?
Tom: I think you're thinking of Roratorio.
Crow: Adams had Harmonium. Maybe that's it.
> at your service," Q said form behind Picard. All the
>Captains spun around to face him. He was sitting at a table labled
>meet John de Lance a.k.a Q, 10am to noon, B Dalton Booksellers.
Crow: ALL RIGHT!! WHO GAVE RATLIFF THE PIRANDELLO?!
Tom: Pirandello or "The Reluctant Sorcerer" or "The Purple Rose of
Cairo" or...
Mike: Ratliff breaks the fourth wall and the stupid meter at the same
time.
> Photos
>were spread out before him.
Mike: [Q] I've got a picture of Marina Sirtis that'll make you howl.
> "Always willing to meet a fan. I'll send
>this to your quarters on the Hemingway."
Tom: I'll put it in a clean, well-lighted place.
> He held up a photo of himself
>signed 'to my Darling Torrey, Love Q.' After everyone got a good look
>at it in vanished in a flash of light.
Crow: Q uses no camera tricks in his illusions.
> "You've wondered why I have chosen to include you in my latest
>study of the crew of the Enterprise," Q said. "You were chosen because
>I was ordered to expand the subjects of my study.
Mike: Your mission, should you choose to accept it...
> Your ships in
>paticular wer chosen due to your crews extensive sailing experiance.
>For instance Yuki here won the America's cup for his native Japan last
>year."
Crow: Actually, he won it from the New Zealanders when he bet that he
could drink more saki then they could.
> "So you have taken the crew of my ship and four of my fellow
>starship captains, to conduct research into human behavior," Captain
>T'Gwen Washington of the Miranda said.
Mike: Captain Exposition to the rescue!
Tom: Some of our slower readers may not have caught on by now. Why don't
you repeat the premise a few more times, Ratliff?
> "Are there not more logical
>oand more effective ways to conduct research?"
> "Yes, but none as fun."
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[Mike, Tom, and Crow are sitting around the desk. Mike is reading a book
and Crow and Tom are looking at a magazine. Suddenly, Tom asks:]
Tom: Uh, how old is Marrissa?
Crow: [together,without] Twelve.
Mike: [ looking up ] Seventeen.
[Everyone looks at each other.]
Crow: Look, she was like twelve in Enterprized.
Mike: Yeah, but she's aged at least three years since then. When did
"Disaster" air?
Crow: Do I have fanboy printed across my forehead?
Mike: Ok. So it was around...uh...season four or five. That was about...
one...two...four years ago. So now she's sixteen or so.
Crow: [rudely] That doesn't mean she _aged_ four years. I mean, look at
comics. The X-men should all be on social security, but they're all
still in their twenties and early thirties.
Mike: [aggravated] Oh yeah? Well what about A Royal Mess? That took
place after Generations. That means she had to be sixteen or over.
Crow: [nasty] Look, boy-o. We're not talking about A Royal Mess are we?
We're talking about Who Q? Where Q? She's twelve.
Mike: _You_ look, pinbeak. Obviously something is crossed in your
circuits, because if she was twelve when we first saw her, and
seventeen in A Royal Mess, she must be somewhere between them.
Crow: Pinbeak? I'm not the imbecile who thinks he can average fanfics
together, pink boy.
Mike: Nethead!
Crow: Dickweed!
[Crow and Mike launch themselves at each other. They fall to the floor
fighting while Tom continues to read his magazine not noticing the
struggle. After a little bit:]
Tom: Oh, hey, guys. I just remembered. At the beginning it said "But
then again a twelve and a half year old doesn't usually command a
diplomatic mission either." Guess that clears that up.
[Crow and Mike stand up. Crow is gnarled. Mike has a black eye and his
jumpsuit is torn.]
Mike: Shall we?
Crow: You first.
[Crow and Mike grab Tom and drag him down behind the desk. The lights
flash.]
Tom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Crow: [behind desk] Ooh. I didn't know he bent like that.
[Commercials]
[Mike and the bots enter the theatre. Tom is missing his dome.]
Tom: Ok. I'm sorry. Now give me my head back.
[Mike sticks Tom's head on.]
Crow: By the way, I was right.
Mike: Don't even start.
>
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/======CHAPTER=FOUR==========
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>First Officer's Log
>Lieutenant Commander Jay Gordon recording
>
> I have welcomed the negoitators on board the Enterprise. I
>found them disgusting.
Crow: They had cooties and girl germs.
> Sel Rahc Selaw of Bresa and his aids tried to
>sneak weapons on board. Sel Rahc Ekael of Troac brought an
>archaeological treasure to try to bribe the Captain.
Tom: Wow! A chunk of dirt! Just what I always wanted!
> And finally Sel
>Rahc Akros of Sobnia came aboard equiped to seduce the Captain.
Tom: Fortunately, through Q's interference, the world was saved from a
Stephen Ratliff love scene.
Mike: [shudders]
> All of these have or will fail as soon as they see Captain
>Picard. The weapons were picked out during transport by Chief of
>Security, Patterson Supra and Assistant Chief Engineer Shayna Sachs.
Crow: Shayna Sachs: high-tech pickpocket.
>The remaining plots will be foiled by the nature of
Crow: This lame fanfic.
Mike: Get yer fancy, new-fangled plots outta this here fanfic!
> the Captain Picard
>they are dealing with. I'd give almost anything to see the looks on
>those ambassador's faces when they find out that the Captain Picard
>that will be medaiting their dispute is not Jean-Luc Picard, a man in
>his fifties, but Marrissa Picard, his 12 1/2 year-old adopted
>daughter-- but I have to be on the bridge.
Crow: Thank you Ensign Compound.
> I am not hopeful as to our sucessfully completing this mission.
>The deck seems to be stacked against us.
Mike: What? Are they on a raked stage?
Tom: Card deck, not floor deck, Mike.
> I'm not sure that the regular
>crew could pull this off, let alone a ship load of kids, but then again
>we have been in more impossible situations then this.
Crow: Impossible? Maybe. Implausible? No.
>
> The sounds of arguing were already coming from the conferance
>room when Marrissa entered.
Crow: Stuffing!
Tom: Potatoes!
Mike: Wild rice!
Bots: Huh?
> The Bres negotator was asserting his
>position with a quiet drone. Ignoring that, the Troac negotiator was
>bellowing his position at the top of his lungs.
Tom: QUEEN'S KNIGHT 3, DO YOU HEAR ME! QUEEN'S KNIGHT 3!!!
> The Sobnian mediator
>was trying to 'charm' her way into an agreement with soft coo-ing
>tones.
> "Good Moring, everyone," Marrissa said. "Sorry I'm late."
> "WHO ARE YOU?"
Mike: [singing] TWO-FOUR-SIX-OH-ONE!
> bellowed the chubby Troac negotiator, Sel Rahc
>Ekael.
> "Wheren't you the pianist at last nights concert?" Sel Rahc
>Selaw said.
Tom: Your form stank and you took the third movement far too slowly.
> "Yes I was," Marrissa replied. "I am also Captain of this
>vessel, Captain Marrissa Amber Picard at your service."]
Crow: I'll be your captain tonight. Today's special is the chicken con
pollo and the soup is mushroom broccoli.
> The tall negotiator from Bresa got up and walked toward the
>door.
Mike: Uh, where's the little ambassador's room?
> Sel Rahc Ekael blew up and said, "GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M NOT LETTING
>A LITTLE GIRL MEDIATE THIS DISPUTE AS LONG AS I AM A NEGOTIATOR."
All: [applauding] Yeah!! Bravo!! Wonderful!!
> Marrissa said softly, "No one walks out of this room without my
>permission."
> "You can't stop me," Selaw said turning.
Tom: [Marrissa] Security, get the nipple clamps.
Mike: [winces] Oooh!
> "Don't be so sure," Marrisssa said as Selaw turned to rush out
>the door. He hit the door which refused to open.
Mike: [whining] Stupid old door. I hate you! I hate you!
> "I'M NOT GOING TO LET SOME CHILD ORDER ME AROUND," Sel Rahc
>Ekael said.
Crow: I believe Ratliff has finally written a likable character.
> "I agree, at least the other mediators had the sense to treat
>us with respect," Sel Rahc Selaw said, approaching Marrissa.
> "Perhaps to much," Marrissa commented,
Tom: Our comments are funnier.
> "but as for respect from
>me -- you will find that you get as much respect as you show for me and
>you fellow negotiators. At that you haven't shown much yet."
> "RESPECT A HUMAN CHILD," Ekael sneared. "WHO HASN'T FOUGHT IN
>ANY BATTLES OR VANQUISHED ENEMIES. NEVER!"
Mike: Here's the setup...
> "Don't be so sure," Marrissa said, calmly. "I've commanded
>starships against Cardassians and Romulans.
Mike: And it's a hit!
> I was in command of the
>Maine when she destoryed the Romulan Warbirds at Vulcan and Neptune. I
>commanded the Enterprise saucer at the Battle of Bajor.
Crow: Available at a fine FTP site near you.
> Before you
>make another accusation do a little research. It saves you some
>embarisment."
Tom: I suggest you get a spell checker. It saves you some embarrassment.
> The wind was taken out of Ekael's sails but not Selaw's.
> "That Troacain slob may allow you to mediate this dispute but I
>will not," Sel Rahc Selaw said, throwing a punch.
All: YES!!!!!
Crow: I can't express how immensely satisfying this is.
> She side stepped it.
>A second punch impacted her left shoulder sending a flash of pain
>accross her face.
All: HURT HER! HURT HER! HURT HER!
Mike: Is this wrong?
Crow: [without a second thought] No.
> Marrissa replied with a quick kick to Selaw's
>ankles. A muffled crack was heard a Selaw fell to the floor.
Mike: [bone crunching noises]
Tom: My spine!!
> "Now if you would return to your seat we can get on with the
>negotiations," Marrissa said rubbing her shoulder.
Tom: Good thinking, Marrissa. Jiggle it about.
> "But my legs hurt," Selaw whined. "I need medical attention."
Crow: [Shatner] A diplomat is down--on Star Trek 911.
Mike: Uh-oh, his legs are broken. They'll have to shoot him now.
> "So does my shoulder," Marrissa replied, "But you should have
>thought about that before you attacked me."
Crow: I'm sure denying them medical attention will really help win them
to your side.
> Selaw crawled back to his seat and into it. "Why are you
>smiling?" he asked Sel Rahc Akros of Sobnia.
Tom: [Sel Rahc Akros] I get turned on by that kind of thing.
> "Because all of our plans have been neatly squashed by this
>young girl," Akros replied. "I planned to seduce the Captain, Ekael
>bribe, and you bully.
Mike: Now we'll have to kill her.
> I won't seduce a young girl and I doubt Ekael's
>archaeological treasure will get him far.
Tom: Not past second base, anyway.
> As for bullying, you've
>already failed once."
> Selaw grumbled and moaned.
Crow: Ohh, the pain...the pain...
> "Now perhaps we can get down to business," Marrissa said.
>"We'll begin with your statements
Tom: Proceed to questions, and end with exclamations.
> of what you want and don't want from
>these negotiations. The order will be alphabetical by planet name.
Crow: [Marrissa] Will the ambassador from Zzzyndor please stop whining?
>Bresa."
> "My planet simply wants Sobnia as part of a Greater Bresa,"
Tom: Resistance is futile. Sobnia will be assimilated.
>Sel Rahc Selaw moaned. "As for want we don't want, that is simplicity
>itself.
Mike: How very Zen of you.
> We want no one else controling Sobnia."
> "UNEXCEPTABLE," Ekael yelled standing up.
> "Sit down, be quiet
All: [singing] Sit down, John! Sit down, John! For God sakes, John, sit
down!
> and have some respect from your neighbors,"
>Marrissa said. "If you are done Selaw we can go one to Sel Rahc Akros
>statement of Sobnia's position." Selaw indicated he was done with a
>nodd.
Tom: And a winkin and a blinkin.
> "Sobnia wishes complete independence," Sel Rahc Akros said.
>"We do not want anyone else controling any part of Sobnia."
> "Troac," Marrissa prompted after a moment's silence.
> "TROAC WANTS A COMPLETE BRES WITHDRAWAL FROM SOBNIA," Sel Rahc
>Ekael said.
Crow: Whoa! Dude! Ease up on the caps lock!
> "FURTHERMORE WE WISH TO CONTROL IT AND NO ONE ELSE."
All: SHUT UP!!
> "Do to the fact not one of your positions even remotely match
>and the fact it is nearing lunch time," Marrissa said,
Tom: Lunch is more important to Marrissa than a lasting peace.
> "we will break
>for lunch. This afternoon at 1400 hours we will each propose how we
>would go about peacefully achiving your objectives.
Crow: Uh...by not killing each other?
> We will continue
>in that fashion until a solution which all of you can agree on is
>found. Even if it takes until my hair turns gray."
Mike: Even if it takes Ratliff a thousand pages.
Tom: I hope not...
> Marrissa exited
>the conference room, leaving the Sel Rahcs amazed at her determination
>and Selaw moaning in pain.
Tom: Then he started coughing up blood.
>
> Marrissa entered Sickbay with a tight expression of pain on her
>face. "Doctor Johnson," she called.
Mike: [Marrissa] Break out the morphine.
> "What can I do for you?" he asked turning and picking up his
>tricorder.
Crow: [Marrissa] The contractions are two minutes apart!
> "I think my shoulder is shattered," Marrissa moaned.
> "Sit up here and I'll have a little look," Doctor Johnson said
>he ran the tricorder over the shoulder.
Mike: Mario says you're doing fine--oh wait. That's my Game Boy.
> "It's just a hairline
>fracture. How did you come by this injury?" A nurse handed him a
>piece of equipment and proceded to run it back and forth over her
>shoulder.
Tom: [Johnson] It's just a prop, but act as if it's really working.
Mike: Ratliff has captured the true essence of Star Trek; that pure
mediocrity that only comes to the divinely inept.
> "I started the Naklab Negotiation today," Marrissa replied.
>"Sel Rahc Selaw decided that he'd rather I visit Sickbay.
Crow: I'd prefer the morgue.
> He threw a
>couple punches and I sent him to the floor. He crawled back to his
>seat and we continued."
> At that moment Sel Rahc Selaw entered suported by his two aids.
Mike: We're not _aids,_ were _paraprofessionals!_
>"Doctor fix my legs," He moaned. "NOW!"
> "As soon as I am finished withe the Captain," Doctor Johnson
>said, "I'll be glad to treat you all. Nurse get him on a bed."
All: Helloooooooo Nurse!
> "Now, Doctor," Selaw moaned loudly as he was laid
Crow: [moaning] Oh doctor, ohhh, ohhh, doctor...
Mike: Stop that.
> up on the
>bed.
> "Yelling ain't gonna speed me up one bit," Jackson Johnson
>said.
Tom: [Johnson] Doan y'all mind my spontanee-us aquisishun of an accent.
> "Done Captain, be sure to eat a large dinner with lots of fruit
>tonight."
Mike: Yeah, _that's_ what cures a shattered collarbone.
> "Thanks Doctor," Marrissa said. "Inform me if the Sel Rahc
>will not be able to attend the afternoon session so I can cancel it."
>
>Captain's Log Supplemental
> The afternoon session of mediation has been canceled due to Sel
>Rahc Selaw's
Crow: Death.
Mike: [Marrissa] Hmm. Maybe I should have let him get medical attention
earlier. Nah...
> medical treatment.
> In other news, four Miranda class starships have been found
>adrift and crewless. The Hood has been sent to retrieve them.
Tom: Da Hood's in da hood!
> The
>cause of the disappearance is unknown. Captain De Soto of the Hood
>believes that at least the Hemingway's crew are the guests of Q.
Mike: Guests of Q stay at the Sheraton Hotel.
>Starfleet has put all its vessels in the sector on yellow alert until
>the cause is known.
>
>. -_--_- ___ -_--_-
>. \ /-^___^-\ /
>--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--| O | ||||| | O |--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--
>| | O | ||||| | O | |
>| C H A P T E R | _| ||||| |_ | F I V E |
>| | #| ||||| |# | |
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> The sun dawned on the castle tower. Captain Jean-Luc Picard
>was standing at a window looking over the town.
Crow: [Picard] Hmm, I wonder if I could hock a luger on Riker from up
here.
> Directly below him was
>the newer of the two castles in the town. Toward his right stood Saint
>Peter's, North Bridge, Saint Paul's, and the older castle.
Mike: And the Great Gate of Kiev.
> In front of
>him some distance away stood South Gate and the Harbor and its keep.
>To his left stood West Bridge. Breakfast smoke
Tom: Want a tasty breakfast that's low in tar? Try new Breakfast Smokes!
> rose from inns near
>South Gate, North Bridge, West Bridge, and in the middle of the town
>near the Market.
> Suddenly a flare shot up in the west from a ship down river...
Mike: Ah! Ah! It's the Jolly Roger!
Tom: No, no, no Mike! That's all over. This is Ratliff now.
Mike: [uncertain] Are you sure?
>The enemy had been sighted. The sails of the two ships in the Harbor
>rose as the moved to join it.
>
> From up on top of one of the Tian Nan Men's masts, the lookout
Tom: Why don't they lookout?
>shouted down to Captain Yoshida, "Five three-masters flying the Romulan
>Warbird on white."
Crow: Or was that three five-masters? Or maybe it was seven two-masters.
Then again...
> "Run up the signal flags for the town, Ensign," Captain Yoshida
>said. "Five Romulans-s." The enemy ship's closed.
Mike: Business hours: 8:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m.
> "Helm hard to
>port. Run out the guns and prepare to fire."
> "Captain Washington is doing the same but towards the
>starboard," Commander Earnheart reported.
Tom: [Earnheart] Captain Washington is complaining about having to
quarter her troops at Bunker Hill for the winter.
> "Two points to starboard," Yoshida ordered. "This is not going
>to be easy." The Romulan ships came closer. "Ready Archers-s."
>Archers lined the starboard deck.
Mike: Like so much cannon fodder.
> Still closer, cannons boomed, they
>fell short. "Light arrows." Closer still. "Fire arrows and starboard
>cannons-s."
Tom: [Yoshida] And get me a mouthful of pebbles-s.
> Fire spat out of the side of the Tian Nan Men. Seconds later
>the Miranda followed suit.
Crow: Three no-trump.
> Two of the Romulan ships faltered as cannon
>balls impacted their
Tom: Molars.
> sides. Then the other ships faltered as thier
>crews noticed flames on their sails and sides.
Crow: Hmm. I'm on fire. [pause] AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
> "Reload and fire at will," Yoshida ordered. "We can do
>better."
Mike: Actually, sir, we can't.
> Cannon balls once again left the Tian Nan Men's sides. The
>lead enemy ship
Tom: How's it float if it's lead?
> was hit and began leaning to port. The masts on the
>ship closest to the northern bank of the river's masts were blown off.
> Three ships continued to close.
Mike: But two were held over for return engagements.
> "Forty degrees to starboard,"
>Captain Yosida ordered. "Hold all fire
Crow: Ooh! Ouch! Hot! Burny! Oh! Stingy! Ow!
> and reload all cannons." An
>enemy ship drew allong side the Tian Nan Men. "Fire all portside
>cannons, archers fire at will."
> The cannon balls flew out. Three of them took the masts right
>off.
Tom: Mighty precision shooting there.
> Five holed the ship below the waterline. The ship sank like a
>rock.
Crow: Being lead and all.
> However another ship fired at the Tian Nan Men from behind. A
>ship had gotten by the Tian Nan Men and the Miranda and taken a parting
>shot.
Mike: Parting shots are such sweet sorrow...
> They made a hole just above the waterline.
> "Captain we are taking on water," an engsign yelled from the
>hold.
Tom: We're feeling really bloated and cramped.
> "Helm set a coarse for the Harbor," Captain Yoshida ordered.
>"Start bailing.
Crow: F. Lee Bailing?
> Lighten the load. Raise sails." He motioned for
>Commander Earnheart to join him.
Mike: Strangely enough, Commander Earnheart had disappeared, though it
was frequently rumored that he was writing for "The Simpsons."
Tom: You do realize that there's an "n" in there, don't you?
Mike: Oh. That kind of blows that joke to hell, doesn't it?
Tom: Yep.
> "Number One, put the six portside
>cannons which didn't fire on bailing duty and when they get back they
>can scrap the baricales off the hull."
> "Message from the Miranda," the lookout shouted from the mast.
Tom: They just happened to have a person on their starship who can
decipher semaphore flags.
>"One got by. Will persue. All systems Normal. Nice Shot."
>
> Lieutenant Commander Data, Master Archer, was up on the wall
>between Old Castle
Mike: And McCormick.
> and Saint Paul's on the north side of town. Below
>him about 16 meters was the Deep Blue River.
Crow: Spanned by Big Bridge which connected with Road St.
> It was 11:06:43 according
>to Data's internal clock. Cook fires were sending plumes of smoke from
>the inns in town. However that was not the only sorce of smoke.
Tom: Riker had been passing around some weed.
> Down
>river about a mile smoke rose from the remains of 4 sailing ships.
Mike: I'm feeling a sudden urge to play Rampart.
> Suddenly Data noticed out of the corner of his eye a out of
>place sail. Data turned to get a better look.
Tom: [Data] I spy, with my little eye...
> It was a three masted
>affair with singed white sails. Data's android vision allowed him to
>pick out the Romulan warbird flag flying from the middle mast.
> Data quickly quickly
Crow: Redundantly redundantly.
> said to a patroling soldier on the wall,
>"Ensign Spenser, inform Commander Riker at the Market Inn
Tom: Oh come on, Ratliff! You can come up with a better name like that!
What about "The One-Eyed Cabin Boy," or "The Drunken Ogre," or...
Mike: "The Vulgar Unicorn?"
Crow: Nah, that's just stupid.
> that his
>forces will be needed at North Bridge in a half in hour. An enemy
>flying the Romulan Warbird has passed the Miranda
Crow: The Warbird has broken a tackle! It's only open field between it
and the goal line!
> and the Tian Nan Men.
>The Brittain and the Hemingway are not in a possition to block there
>progress up the Blue yet. Now go."
Tom: Fly my monkeys! Fly! Fly!
> The soldier ran off. Data turned hid attention to the rivers.
>The Brattain and the Hemingway were nearing the conflunce
Mike: Ooh, so close, Stephen.
Tom: At least he tries.
> of the Green
>and Blue from the Blue. The Hemingway positioned itself to block the
>way up the Green. The Brattain attempted to do the same in the Blue
>but the enemy ship sailed passed before it could do so.
Mike: Was that supposed to be an action sequence?
> The Romulan ship made for the fishersman's wharf on the other
>side of the river, but first the ship had to pass Data.
Crow: [Data] Red rover, red rover, send Romulans right over.
> He drew back
>his bow and took aim. The Man at the tiller slumped over. A second
>arrow shot out. The Lookout fell to the deck. A third. The Captain
>slumped over.
Tom: O Captain! My Captain!
Mike: Looks like he's fallen cold and dead.
> A fourth. Down went an archer. He drew back another
>arrow but the ship was now out of range so he let it back and proceeded
>to North Bridge Gate.
>
> The noon sun beat down hard on Commander Riekr's Black Armour.
>He wished Q had chosen a lighter color bad enuogh that the armour
>weighed a ton,
Mike: Uh, Stephen, a lighter color won't make the armor weigh less.
> but the heat it absorbs makes it unbearable.
> Commander Riker arrived at North Bridge Gate on his black
>horse.
Crow: [Riker] A horse! A horse! My kingdom for--oh. Nevermind.
> "What's going on Data?" he asked.
> "The Romulans have unloaded eighty men from their ship at the
>old fisherman's wharf," Data said. "Barclay has hidden two dozen men
Tom: And he won't tell us where. It's really frustrating.
>in the woods behind the cottage."
> "Your idea?"
> "Yes, Commander," Data said. I estimate a thrid of them will
>parish
Mike: This guy named Luther has got them setting up their own church
counties.
> in the first assult before a retreat is ordered. Then you can
>come out and pin the remaining romulans
Crow: On the donkey.
> between yourself and Barclay."
> "Then we better get ready."
>
> The Romulans charged over the bridge. toward the gate at its
>far end.
Tom: In little fragments.
> A battering ram lead the way. Data's archers felled a dozen
>men and tookout all of the battering ram bearers on one side causing it
>to roll off the bridge.
Crow: But it completely missed the coda.
> When all the men were on the bridge, Data put down his bow
Tom: And beat it into a plowshare.
> and
>picked up a rope attached to the tops of the bridge supporting towers.
Mike: The Two Towers?
Tom: Barchester Towers?
Crow: Fawlty Towers?
>The ropw ran to the farside of pots mounted on pivots over fires. Data
>pulled on the rope. Hot oil poured down on the romulans below.
Mike: We're treating their hair whether they like it or not!
> Mass
>confusion reined on the bridge.
Tom: In fact, it poured.
Mike and Crow: Booo!
> Romulans jumped off the bridge into
>the deep Blue River to cool off, only to discover that swimming in
>armour is not advisable.
Crow: Yes, the Romulans are _that_ stupid.
> Commander Riker formed up this troops, two dozen mounted
>knights and fifty foot soldiers. "Open the gates," came Commander
>Riker's call.
Mike: "No," came the gates' reply.
> The gates opened pushing enemy soldiers into the water.
>They joined there downing companions, sinking under the weight of their
>armour. Commander Riker and his troop
Crow: All one of them.
> moved forward accross the
>bridge.
Tom: Wholesale slaughter is fun!
> The Romulans beat a retreat towards their ship. Unfortunately,
>Barclay and his men were waiting. After their numbers decended to two
>and a half dozen they surrendered.
Crow: Who? Barclay's men or the Romulans?
Tom: Oh, like it matters.
> Meanwhile the Miranda had arrived. She stooped alongside the
>Romulan ship and T'Gwen Washington and thirty sailors boarded. The
>resistance was light. In fact it didn't exist.
Mike: The storyline was light. In fact, it didn't exist.
> Being out numbered six
>to one left the Romulans little choice but to jion their breathern in
>the Old Castle dungeons.
>
>
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/======CHAPTER=SIX===========
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Captain's Personal Log
>STARDATE 48129.24
>Marrissa Picard recording
Tom: [Marrissa] Hello? Hello? One...two...three...is this thing on?
> The Naklab System Negotiations enter their third day today.
>All sides are no closer to agreement.
> Thid Negotiation I am mediating is begining to remind me of
>Poker Night in Commander Riker's quarters...
Crow: Liquor up front; poker in the rear.
> Each person concealing
>his cards, raising the stakes. The difference is I don't know all the
>cards in the deck much less who has them.
Mike: Well if you did, it wouldn't be much of a poker game.
> If I don't find out the
>important cards soon, this mediation attempt will will go down as the
>worst failure of diplomacy since the Klingons got there hands on
>Captain Kirk.
Tom: Or the worst failure of diplomacy since Captain Kirk.
Mike: Ouch!
> Personally I am ready to throw in the cards
Mike: When Ratliff gets ahold of a metaphor, he runs with it.
Tom: And runs and runs and runs...
> if I have to sit
>though many more arguements like yesterday's.
>
> "You control Sobnia, ha!
Crow: We've got Boardwalk and Park Place!
> Troac can't even administrate a small
>section of an asteroid belt," Sel Rahc Selaw said.
Tom: Ooh. That hurt.
> Marrissa was beging to get a headache. The ambassadors
Mike: By Henry James.
> argeed
>on nothing but to agree to disagree. She knew now why the other
>mediators had failed-- they were driven insane
Crow: Where ya going?
Mike: Crazy. Wanna come along?
> by the illogical and
>insane statements and proposals of the Naklab Sel Rahcs.
> "AT LEAST MY PLANET DIDN'T INVADE ANOTHER, WITHOUT A
>DECLARATION OF WAR," Sel Rahc Ekeal responed angerily.
Tom: Oh yeah? Well your motherland wears army boots!
> It looks like its's time for lunch, Marrissa thought, but first
>I better defuse this mess.
Crow: The green wire. Cut the green wire.
> It's 1258 hours, time for lunch. "May I
>have your attention," Marrissa asked.
All: NO!
> The Negotiators ignored her. "We're not cowards like you,"
>Selaw responed.
> "MER'APH!" Marrissa yelled.
Tom: Ratliff, if you want a swear word, use a God damn swear word.
> The room quieted after the sudden
>volume of the until now softspoken young captain. "I will here no more
>insults or name calling in this room.
Mike: Got that, dickweed?
> Is that clear? We will ajourn
>for lunch and let our tempers cool."
Crow: Maybe if Marrissa spent as much time at the negotiation table as
she did at the cafeteria, this whole mess would over by now.
> I'll go to the bridge, Marrissa thought. A couple minutes in
>the center seat will bring me back to reality.
Tom: Reality? In this fanfic? Don't count on it.
> It always does. I'll
>eat lunch while Jay and Doctor Johnson bring me up to date.
>
> The turbolift opened onto the bridge. "Ah! my young captain,
>how nice of you to join us,"
All: Join us!!
> Q said from the counselor's seat.
Crow: In a lowcut, purple, spandex outfit.
Tom: That was one image I could do without.
> "I was
>just showing your first officer some of the regular command crew's
>encounters with me while I waited for you." Q jestered
Mike: He danced about in his little harlequin costume and juggled some
apples.
> at the
>viewscreen.
> Captain Picard was fighting Sir Guy.
Crow: Knight of the Generic Table.
> Sir Guy said as thier
>swords crossed, "I'll have you know I"m the greatest swordsman in all
>of Nottingham." A fury of sword clashes followed.
Bots: Clang! Ding! Bang!
Mike: Fall down! I cut you! Fall down!
> As there swords crossed again Picard replied, "Very Impressive.
>There is something you should know ...
All: I'm not left handed.
> I'm not from Nottingham." the
>Captain finished off Sir Guy.
> The viewscreen returned to its view of Sobnia.
Tom: [Jay] Hey! I was watching that! Turn it back!
> "I've put all
>of my encounters with humans into this computer," Q said. "Take a look
>some time, you may find them entertaining."
Crow: Especially the alt.sex.fetish.startrek files.
> "That's nice Q," Captain Marrissa Picard said. "Computer
>begine
Mike: The beguine.
> recording the bridge for transmission to Starfleet Exploritory,
>Admiral Necheyev. Q, are you responsible for dissappearance of the
>crews of the Brattain, Hemingway, Miranda, and Tain Nan Men?"
Crow: [Q] Yes! And I stole the Lindbergh baby too!
> "Yes, Why do you ask?" Q responded.
> "Just a hunch," Marrissa said. "Where are they?"
> "They are provideding naval support to Captain Picard's defense
>of a midevil castle-town," Q replied.
Mike: Wait. I thought we already established this.
> "Thank you Q," Marrissa said. "computer end recording and
>dispacth recording
Crow: [Marrissa] Thend it to thomebody important.
> appended to file dispacth, to Admiral Necheyev,
>Assisatant Chief of Starfleet Exploritory, presently aboard the USS
>Excalibur NCC-26517."
> "Petty sure of that hunch, weren't you?" Q said.
Tom: Uh, what hunch?
> "A good Captain is always willing to act on a hunch," Marrissa
>replied. "Jay you have the bridge. Have Doctor Johnson come to my
>ready room when he has the time.
Crow: Have him bring my nurse's outfit.
> Care to join me for lunch Q?"
> "I thought you'd never ask."
>
> Marrissa went over to the replicator, and said, "Turkey
>sandwich number four,
Crow: Sandwich #4? That sounds like a Rothko painting.
> large french fries and a large glass of
>strawberry juice. Do you want anything Q?"
> "No thank you"
Mike: [Minnewegian] Oh ya know, I met that Q boy. He's just the nicest
entity! So polite!
> Marrissa picked up her order and brought it to the desk and sat
>down behind it. "Now what do you want to say, Q?"
Tom: [Q, nervous] Marrissa Amber Flores Picard, will you marry me?
> she asked as Q sat
>down across from her.
> "I'm trying to complete my study
Crow: [Q] Could you come over and help me put up the drywall?
> of Captain Jean-Luc Picard,
>your father," Q said. "It occured to me that interviewing you would
>give me and additional source and insight into Jean-Luc Picard."
Tom: Or you could snap your fingers and interview him yourself outside
of time, or scrape whatever knowledge you need out of his head, or...
> "Ask away. It will be awhile before the doctor arrives."
> "Evacuating people under fire is so time consuming isn't it.
>What is your father like in your quarters?"
Crow: Oh, Lolita...
> "he is a good father, as fathers go. I'm generally left alone
Mike: Negligence=good parenting.
>as long as my grades are goodm my room is clean, and I don't interupt
>his work. You say the doctor is under fire?"
Tom: Life and death matters are smalltalk for apathetic Marrissa.
> "Yes, the third Overjaras Bres position opened fire. What
>about on duty?"
> "OK, as long as I don't mess up. When I do I get it form
Mike: He makes me fill out his tax returns as punishment.
> both
>Commander Riker and my father. Should I do something abuot the
>doctor?"
Crow: Mike, Marrissa has been informed that her medical officer is under
attack. Her response?
Mike: Dull surprise!
> "No he just beamed aboard. I better be going I'm about to be
>needed by your father."
> "Tell him how things are going here, Q."
> "I will." Q vanished.
>
>. -_--_- ___ -_--_-
>. \ /-^___^-\ /
>--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--| O | ||||| | O |--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--
>| | O | ||||| | O | |
>| C H A P T E R | _| ||||| |_ | S E V E N |
>| | #| ||||| |# | |
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A second dawn over the castle town found Captain Jean-Luc
>Picard at the window of the highest tower in the new castle.
Mike: He's gonna jump!
> A druken
>townsperson was making his way home from the Eagles' Nest Tavern. This
>however did not interest the captain. His eyes were ooking further
>west,
Tom: His ookies viddied some lewdies out of town.
> past West bridge toward the western hills.
> A black line was proceeding in from the hills on the road to
>the West Bridge Gate of the town, throwing up dust.
Crow: Bill Keane has drawn a dotted line showing the advance of the
Romulan troops!
> As Picard watched
>the the line became rows and coloms
Tom: Colom, colom; what has it gots in its nasty castle?
> of men. And over it all flew the
>white and green banner of the Romulan Warbird. His enemy has once
>again reared its ugly head.
Mike: I don't know. Some of those Romulan chicks...rrrrowl!
Tom: Man, you've been up here _too_ long!
>
> Later that day Picard watched as a couple hundred romulans set
>up camp
Crow: It's the Romulan Boy Scout Jamboree!
> just to the north of West Bridge and out of arrows range.
>Commander Riker had wanted to ride out while they were setting up camp
>and attack them.
Mike: Riker wanted to kill indiscriminately.
> Picard, however, had a better idea, but Riker would
>get his chance.
>
> Captain Phillip Andrews and the Brittain sailed up the Blue.
All: [hum Rhapsody in Blue]
>He passed under North Bridge as it ran from out croping to the high
>bluff of the town. Then it came suddenly into the view of the Romulan
>Camp. Andrews orded the ship aligned to fire it's cannons. And then
>the Brittain opened fire.
>
> Chaos reigned supreme in the enemy camp.
All: [Romulans] We've got movie sign!
> The leaders attempted
>to bring a defense up against the the unreachable Brittain as it fired
>it's parting shot. The shot left no trace of the leaders tent and the
>camp became even bore
Tom: The story became even less interesting.
> chaos ridden.
> Into the panic rode Riker's knights, slaying enemies left and
>right. The Romulan's begain an exstreamly unorganized retreat.
Tom: So, how come Picard hasn't done the ultra-humanitarian tactic of
trying to make peace with them?
Crow: Because it's a bad fanfic more concerned with a body count than a
plot.
>
> The castle dungeons gained another four dozen people when the
>day was over. Five dozen enemy soldiers laid on the ground dead.
>Almost half of the soldiers had escaped into the woods.
Mike: Agony.
Tom: Misery.
Crow: Woe.
>
> That was not the last of the romulans, however. The next
>moring found three hundred encamped by South Gate and another hundred
>accross the Green from Harbor keep by the waterfall.
> Picard quickly sent reinforcements to Leiutenant Worf at South
>Gate. They arrived just as the first charge began.
Mike: Half a league, half a league, half a league onward!
> A battering ram moved forward with a dozen ladders for scaling
>the wall.
Tom: It's Battle Chutes and Ladders.
> Data quickly began taking out the men carrying the battering
>ram. Soldier after soldier fell to the mighty baow of the android.
>The emeny archers, seeing the problems he was causing began targeting
>him, but a dozen arrows in his chest did not deture Data.
Mike: [Romulan commander] We need one o' them androids for our side.
> The ladders reached the walls and were laid up against them.
>One of them was by Data. As a man began to climb up it Data grabbed it
>and lifted it up off the ground.
Crow: [Data] Going up?
> The man lost his grip and fell off as
>Data brought the ladder over the wall. Upon landing the poor soul
>cracked his hed open on a rock outsided the castle walls.
Tom: His hed tropped off.
Mike: Outside of Howth Castle and Environs.
Crow: Rejoyce! He gets to be Finn again!
>
> Further down the wall, Worf was engaging som sucessful wall
>scalers. One of end of his bat'leth caught the enemy sword and sent it
>away from him and the other end cut deeply into the enemy's neck.
Mike: The first blade lifts the head off the neck...
> It
>was the thirteenth Worf had felled.
Tom: The numerological symbolism is everywhere! We're in the hands of a
master author!
Mike: Whatever.
>
> The attack failed, but not without cost to both sides.
Tom: $39.95, plus tax.
> Scores
>of enemy soldiers were lying on the battlefield dead.
Crow: Whoo-boy, that's gonna stink in a couple of days.
> A couple dozen
>were removed from the wall as well.
Tom: Anyone got a putty knife?
> The Federation forcers were no
>unharmed, Fifteen were dead and a score more were injured bad enough
>to require care.
Mike: Call the barber! Who wants a bleeding?
Crow: You know, twenty years ago, we would have said that the problem
was due to spirits possessing them. Now we know that it's due to a
small frog or dwarf living in their stomachs.
>
> Captain Picard was mad when Q joined him in the New Castle
>tower. "Pleasant day isn't it mon Captain,' Q greeted Jean-Luc Picard.
Mike: [Q] Nothing like a war to get the endorphins working, huh?
> Picard turned from the window to face the demigod.
Crow: I wouldn't go that far.
> "It most
>certainly is not," he said in a curt tone. "I just recieved word that
>15 of my crew members are dead. Fifteen DEAD Q, as in never to
>return."
Mike: Guess Picard's not a Buddhist.
> "Jena-Luc, such anger," Q replied. "May I suggest a session
>with Counselor Troi?"
Tom: On Risa?
> "That won't help my crew people who are still dead, Q,"
Mike: But it might help the ones who aren't dead anymore.
> Picard
>said calming down a little.
> "they would have died on this mission anyway," Q said. "If you
>had been serving as Naklab system mediator instead of your daughter,
Crow: Ooh, throw _that_ in his face.
>those crew members would have died in an attack and a galaxy wide war
>would have erupted when you died wiping out the human race.
Tom: So the entire universe would die because some piddling backwater
planets are having a civil war? Yeah, right.
> Instead
>the problem will fade and when your daughter dies
Crow: Marrissa dies? Hallelujah, baby!
Tom: Yes Virginia, there is a God.
Mike: You guys are cruel.
> no one will be alive
>in the system to renew the conflict."
> "You mean you are doing us a favor?" Picard asked
Tom: Wait. Is Picard completely indifferent to Marrissa's death, or did
I misread something?
> "Must you be so thick headed, of coarse I'm doing you a favor,"
Mike: By killing off Marrissa we'll save the world from any more Ratliff
fanfics.
>Q explained "A war wil never happen and I will have enough time to get
>my research done on the human race and you done."
> "I knew there had to be another motive," Picard commented.
>"And thank you Q."
Tom: [Picard] That little brat was really beginning to grate on me.
> "Your welcome, Captain," Q said. "And by the way Captain, is
>it all right for me to take your daughter out on a date?"
Crow: Before she dies, I mean.
> "Most certainly NOT!"
> "Temper, temper, Mon Captain," Q said. "It was just a thought,
>I have no intention of doing so.
> Q vanished in a flash leaving Picard to puzzle over Q's
>statements.
Mike: [Picard] Hmm. He's stopping a war and all it's going to cost is
the life of--OH MY GOD!!
[Commercials]
[SOL. There are pictures of Stephen Ratliff everywhere. Scattered about
are reams of paper (supposedly containing the various fanfics written by
Ratliff).]
Mike: [looking about] What is all this?
Tom: It's for the Ratliff Admiration Society.
Crow: What?
Tom: The Ratliff Admiration Society. It's dedicated to that most
industrial of fanfic writers: Stephen Ratliff.
Mike: Shouldn't that be "illustrious?"
Tom: [ignoring him] Come, join us in our hymn. [sings] A writer of
fanfic named Ratliff/Drew aim on the Trek universe--
Mike: Uh, Tom, are you serious?
Tom: Of course! Or should I say, "Of coarse!" Have you ever truly looked
at Ratliff's literary accomplishments?
Mike: He has some?
Tom: [continuing] I mean, he took an obscure character and has created
an entire series about her; followed her from adolescence through
puberty (remember that poignant moment in Away from Home when we were
told of her first period?)--
Crow: [gagging] Thank you. I had just finished repressing that.
Tom: --through the myriad misadventures leading up to her own command in
Timespeeder.
Mike: There's another fanfic out there? Uh-oh.
Tom: What other writer has engaged the imaginations of MiSTies
everywhere? Why, Ratliff has provided us with the source of some of the
greatest MiSTings ever! Do you remember that first moment when you read
"All spelling errors are to be ingored?"
Mike: Unfortunately, yes.
Tom: Ratliff, in his incompetence, has reached giddying heights of bad
prose that are almost beautiful in their complete lack of aesthetics.
Crow: Isn't that a paradox?
Tom: [almost crying] Can't you see? His childlike optimism, his devotion
to his craft in spite of his complete lack of anything resembling basic
English skills, his obsession with Marrissa similar to Dante's for
Beatrice or Poe's for Annabelle...it's so..._beautiful,_ in a pathetic,
loopy sort of way.
Mike: Hmm. Then I guess you won't mind going back into the theatre to
finish the fanfic.
Tom: [immediately straightening up] Uh--that's not necessary. After all,
we can admire from afar.
Mike: I thought as much. [light flashes] We've got fanfic sign!
[Chaos. Mike grabs Tom and drags him off.]
Tom: NOOOOOOOOOooooooo...
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[Everyone enters. Mike sets Tom down.]
Tom: [to Mike] I resent you.
>
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/=====CHAPTER=EIGHT==========
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After Q left, the door rang.
Tom: Avon calling!
> "Come," Marrissa said. Doctor
>Jackson Johnson entered in a dirty uniform. "How's the relief effort
>Doctor?"
> "It could be better," Doctor Johnson said. "The Bres are
>shelling Overajas
Crow: Serbs sell sea shells by Sarajevo.
> everytime the Enterprise isn't overhead. Nurse Emery
>was injured in the last round,
Tom: Cut me, Mick. Cut me.
> she'll be out a week at least. I'd say
>we're getting to about half of the people we're suppose to."
Mike: We need a more aggressive marketing campaign.
> "And if the shelling stops you will be able to get your job
>done," Marrissa completed. "I'll see what I can do." She tapped her
>commicator.
Crow: All communists in the region: beware!
> "Bridge, this is the Captain, change orbit to powered
>station keeping over Overjaras. Alexander, Jay, Patterson, report to
>my ready room."
> The Klingon and two human boys entered the ready room.
Tom: Unfortunately, they were the wrong Klingon and two human boys.
> "You
>called, Risa," Jay said.
> "Careful Jay, you know how I hate that nickname," Marrissa
>warned.
Mike: And you know what happened to last person who called me that.
> "The Doctor here tells me that the Bres are having target
>practice with the population of Overjaras as targets."
Crow: My, she's flippant about genocide.
> "So, I've heard," Jay said.
> "So here is what I'm going to do. Alexander contact ..."
Mike: Cut to montage! Oh, wait. This is a fanfic. Never mind.
>
> Marrissa, Alexander, Doctor Johnson, Ensign Lochard, and two
>other security officers beamed down to the Bres camp over locking
>Overjaras.
Crow: Egelhcs locks--they're the namrebod of locks.
> All were dressed in Starfleet Uniforms with the exception
>of Alexander who was in full Klingon Dress
Tom: [Alexander] It's not a dress! It's a kilt!
> and was holding a large
>case. The campoverlooked a broad river vally with a meduim sized red
>roofed city in it. Above the valley rose picturesque snow capped
>peaks.
Mike: In the valley lay picturesque rotting corpses.
> If it weren't for the spots of broken roofs and smoldering ruins
>Overjaras would have been a great place for shore leave.
Crow: If you reserve your seats now, you get the lovely Lebanon beach
party package too.
> The camp itself consisted of a dozen tents arrayed in a
>semicircle arround a large gun. A gaurd stood outside one of the
>tents. "Who are you
Crow: I'm Batman.
Tom: My name is Inego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Mike: "I'm John Wilkes Booth." "But John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln."
"Attention has been paid."
> and waht are you doing here?" he challenged.
> "I thought that would be obvious," Marrissa replied. "We are
>here to see the Commander of this gun emplacement."
> "Since when did Starfleet start hiring Klingon shimps,"
Mike: They had so much success with Klingon Moes and Larrys they bought
the whole set.
> the
>seven-foot tall guard said.
> "I wish you hadn't said that," Marrissa sighed.
> "Why"
Mike: Because.
Crow: Why?
Mike: Just because.
Crow: Why?
> "You just insulted a Klingon of the House of Mog,"
All: Kupo!
> Marrissa
>said. "Would you care to inform this guard of the results of the last
>time someone did that. Ross?"
Tom: Why don't you tell him what he's won, Ross?
> "I believe the poor soul found it necessary to step off a high
>cliff," Ensign Lochard replied.
Mike: Yeah, but if you saved Lone Wolf he gave you the Golden Hairpin.
> The guard then looked over at
>Alexander who had taken out a large Klingon Knife and was begining to
>sharpen it.
Tom: [Alexander] Whittle while you work...
> "I'll go get Colonel Elbourt," the guard said retreating into
>the tent.
Crow: Come on! What kind of guard is intimidated by a bunch of kids
armed with only a pocketknife?
>
> Colonel Elbuort emerged from the tent.
Tom: Uh-oh. This guy is T-R-O-U-B-L-E.
Mike: This has to be the lamest fanfic ever.
> "What do you want?"
>the solidly built man in brown fantigues
Crow: Isn't she Cosette's mother?
> asked.
> "You to stop shelling Overjaras would be a good start,"
>Marrissa said.
> "And why should I do that?" Elbuort sneered.
> "Number One, you are voilating the cease-fire agreement,"
Mike: The U.N. is going to give you a very stern lecture unless you
stop.
>Marrissa enumerated. "Number Two, if you don't your gun will be
>disassambled and removed from this sight. And Number Three, it would
>make me very happy.
All: [laugh]
Tom: Oh, please...
> "I don't care about the cease-fire," the Colonel replied. "If
>you take my gun away you will damage Starfleet's image of treating all
>sides equally.
Tom: Not if you're breaking the cease fire agreement, you dink.
> And why should I care about your feelings."
Crow: Or question marks.
> "You do have a point but I am not the one who will possess your
>weapon," Marrissa said.
> "Then who will?"
Mike: The Spirit of Christmas Past.
> "The Klingon Empire of coarse," Alexander said. "We don't like
>people who break there
Crow: Where?
Tom: Three inches above the waist.
> words. Alexander, son of Worf, Ambassador at
>large from the Klingon High Council, at your service."
Crow: When did that happen? Did I miss a plot point somewhere?
> "I wouldn't insult him sir," the guard said from within the
>tent. "The last one to do so was forced off a cliff and died."
Tom: Of course, I don't have any proof, but he _does_ have a Swiss army
knife and a bad temperament.
> "What do you intend to do," Colonel Elbuort asked.
Crow: Force correct punctuation on you.
> "Ross, please quote the cease-fire agreement for me," Alexander
>said.
Mike: [Ross] Um...please stop firing. There.
> "An outside party may take action to prevent or end hostilities
>during mediation," Ross replied.
Crow: Excuse me? What? Why on God's green earth would you ever think to
put a clause like that in an agreement?
Mike: Don't question; just accept.
> "This action may include up to the
>forcible acquistion of the weapons or detanting the persons
Tom: Ooh, I'd hate to be detanted.
Mike: What's that mean?
Tom: I'm not sure, but it _sounds_ unpleasant.
>responsable."
> "Is disassembling the weapon for transport premited?" the
>Klingon Ambassador asked.
> "Yes."
> Alexander opened his case
Crow: By questioning the credibility of the prosecution's star witness.
> and took out a laser scalpel. "You
>aren't going to dissassemble it with that?" Colonel Elbuort said
>alarmed.
> "I'm eleven years old," Alexander said welding the scalpel.
Mike: Not that has anything to do with anything; it's just a fact.
>"Gun disassembling hasn't exactly been in my education, and you'ld be
>surprised what this thing cuts though."
Crow: Even shoe leather?
Tom: Yes.
Crow: Amazing!
> "If my men disassemble it for you," Colonel Elbuort said,
>"would that be acceptable? While you watch of coarse."
> "It would," Alexander said. "And to show my graitude, I'll
>have some refreshments beamed down.
Mike: Alexander to Ten Forward. Break out the liquor.
> Alexander to Enterprise."
> "Enterprise here," came Jay's voice.
> "Chould you beam down some of my family's gagh supply,"
>Alexander said. "A couple bowls full should do."
Tom: Considering no one will want to eat any...
> Marrissa tapped her badge and said, "Number One, add some
>chips, a bottle of strawberry soda and three bottles of the '50 Chateau
>Picard Stargazer white wine to that order."
Mike: [shocked] Marrissa!
Crow: [Marrissa] Sweet booze doesn't break treaties on me. I always know
just what I'm getting with booze.
> "Aye sir," Jay's voice replied, "Patterson will be down with
>your order in a couple minutes. Enterprise out."
>
>. -_--_- ___ -_--_-
>. \ /-^___^-\ /
>--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--| O | ||||| | O |--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--
>| | O | ||||| | O | |
>| C H A P T E R | _| ||||| |_ | N I N E |
>| | #| ||||| |# | |
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> A thrid day dawned over South Gate with the cry of a charge of
>soldiers. By noon Worf, Data and their men had replused the attack.
Mike: They were nonplused by it.
>However, another attack was underway before tea-time
Tom: [Brit] Dreadfully rude of you chaps to declare war on us over tea
and crumpets!
> and was over by
>dusk.
> The forth day began with yet another attack occupying the
>defenders full attention. As did the fifth.
Crow: In a Ratliff fanfic, the excitement never stops.
Mike: Mainly because it never begins.
>
> Meanwhile in Harbor Keep, Captain Yoshida and Leiutenant
>Commander Geordi LaForge were discussing the changes done during the
>repair of the Tian Nan Men.
Tom: So we knocked over the wall in the rumpus room, and now we're
putting in a wet bar and a bathroom in the basement.
> "The fifth deck support looked different," the captain said.
> "It was changed in order to allow the cannon angle you wanted,"
>Geordi replied. "Anything else?"
Mike: I wanted the game room done in red, and track lighting put in the
living room.
> "I don't think so," Captain Yoshida said.
> "Then I better get back to-o," Geordi said as his VISOR
>detected something strange in the floor.
Crow: [Geordi] Wow! A penny! This is my lucky day!
> "Captain I think we better
>summon the guard."
> "What is it Leiutenant?" Captain Yoshida asked.
Crow: Rowf! Rowf rowf!
Tom: Timmy's trapped? Down in Dead Rock Canyon?
> "I'm seeing an underground passage extending from the table to
>directly oppisite the door," Geordi said.
Mike: Nice perception roll.
> "And the ground is thining
>below the table, sir."
> Captain Yoshida stepped to the door and yelled out to the
>Harbor, "Commander Earnheart, I need swordsmen in here, quickly.
Tom: There's going to be some serious buttkicking going on.
>Possiable tunnel inside Harbor Keep."
> "Captain, I believe I can collapes the tunnel from outside the
>Keep," Commander Laforge said.
Tom: [Geordi] I can be much more effective the farther away I am from
the danger.
> As Captains Andrews, Ohlin and Washington arrived, Yoshida
Mike: Isn't he the little dinosaur in Super Mario World?
>said, "Go Ahead. We will hold them here.
> As LaForge left the Keep, the table sunk into the floor,
>opening a large hole in the middle of the room. Cries of angguish
>chould be heard from below.
Crow: Ouch!
Mike: Doh! You idiot! Give me that shovel!
Tom: The keep is invaded by the Three Stooges.
> Suddenly, a man jumped out of the hole.
> "He is mine," Captain Andrews said. Their swoards clashed as
>another man jumped out of the hole.
Tom: Man, they must have springs for legs.
> Yoshida's sword met his. Then a
>thrid and fourth man came out
Mike: Mom, Dad; Phil and I are in love.
> to fight with Ohlin and Washington.
>"Keep them away from the door," Andrews called.
> "I note your man is closest to it," T'Gwen said. "Care to
>switch off, Torrey? I think this man is more your style."
Crow: Ugly as hell and rock stupid?
> "OK," Captain Ohlin said as they when back to back. They made
>the quick switch off. Ohlin's first stroke
Mike: Left her partially paralyzed on her left side.
> against her new opponent
>was a slash at the neck. It was sucessful making the first kill
>Victoria Ohlin's. "Any one need help?"
Crow: [Romulan] Ooh! Ooh! I do!
Tom: [Victoria] Not you guys.
> "Over here Torrey," Captain Andrews said avoiding a low blow.
Mike: Hey! Marquis de Queensbury rules, everybody! Watch it!
>"This guy is good."
> Ohlin drew here dagger and threw it into Andrews' opponent's
>back,
Tom: [Romulan] Is this a dagger I see behind me?
> bringing her kills to two. "That help Phil?" she asked as the
>man fell.
> "Yes, watch your back," Captain Andrew said as a fifth man
>jumped out of the hole
All: [make Six Million Dollar man noises] SHING-shing-shing-shing!!
SHING-shing-shing-shing!!
> behind Ohiln.
> Ohlin turned quickly, her sword with the narrowest of margins
>defecting
Crow: Her sword sought diplomatic immunity from Cuba.
> the on-rushing enemies sword. "Thanks, Phil. take the next
>one will you," she said as a sixth man emerged from the pitt.
Mike: Available from Image Comics.
> Meanwhile Captain Yoshida had dispatched his man. "Any one
>need help?" he asked.
Tom: [Romulan] Me! Over here!
Mike: [Yoshida] I thought we told you to knock it off!
> "Over here, Yuki," Captain Washington said. This deverted her
>opponents attention for a half a second enabling her to finish her
>opponent off.
> "I take it your request is canceled, Gwen?" Captain Yoshida
>asked.
Crow: For a swordfight, there sure is a lot of bureaucracy involved.
> "Certainly," She said, drawing her dagger. She threw it behind
>Yoshida and it impacted a enemy emergeing from the hole.
Tom: _That's_ gonna leave a mark.
>
> Meanwhile, Leutenant Comamnder Geordi LaForge had rigged some
>explosives
Mike: Which mysteriously materialized out of nowhere.
> to colapse the tunnel out side the keep. He lit the fuse
>and he and an assistant retreated to a safe distance.
Tom: [assistant] Uh, sir, what about the captains inside?
Crow: [Geordi] Screw 'em!
>
> Back inside the keep, two more enemies had emerged to engage
All: Make it so.
>Captains Washington and Yoshida. Then LaForges explosives went off.
Crow: Killing everyone.
>Everyone but Captain Washington paused at the sound of the explosives.
>The half Vulcan took advange of this pause to render her opponent
>unable to fight.
Mike: Oooh, all this graphic violence is making me queasy.
> Next to recover was the seasoned swords woman,
Tom: Oh, you should try the seasoned swordswoman; it comes blackened
with a touch of cayenne.
> Captain Ohlin.
>She disarmed her opponent and slew him in a quick stroke.
Mike: Man, I wish I got as good of dice as these guys are getting.
Crow: Incredible, T'Gwen! Another 18!
> Then the others resumed fighting. However it was now 4 to 2
>StarFleet and it showed.
Crow: What the hell does that mean?
Tom: I don't think even Ratliff knows.
> The two remaining were dispatched in a fury
>of swords.
Mike: Man these guys are bloodthirsty!
>
> The fifth night began with a meeting in the new castle Map
>Room. Captains
Crow: Courageous.
> Andrews, Ohlin, Picard, Washington, and Yoshida joined
>Riker, Data, LaForge and Leiutenants Worf Barclay and Dean in the map
>room around the model table.
Tom: In other words, all the main characters.
> "The Doctor is unable to attend this meeting," Captain Picard
>said.
Tom: Ok. So _almost_ all of the main characters.
> "However she does wish to inform us that there have been no
>additional StarFleet fatalities.
Crow: Then what is she doing?
Mike: Trying to stay as far away from this fanfic as possible.
> The First item on the aggenda is the
>Gate Commander Report. Barclay?"
Mike: [Barclay] Um, my dog ate it.
> "North-th Bridge has been untested except for an ocassional
>archer since day two," Barclay said. "My team is suffering from
>boredom, but is ready for action."
Tom: Stand by for...ACTION!!
> "Dean," Picard prompted
> "West Bridge is in the same state as North Bridge," Dean said.
> "Worf," Picard said.
> "South Gate is battle weary," Worf said.
Tom: [Worf] We're so sleepy we can hardly keep our eyes open.
> "We have been under
>attack all most constantly for 3 days before the attack on Harbor Keep.
>My team needs at least a shift off duty.
Mike: Try to get Debbie to cover for me at the fry machine tomorrow.
> If we get that we will be
>back to strenght."
> "Barclay, Your men will take over South Gate for the rest of
>this watch," Picard said. "Dean, your men have the next. Gate
>commanders dismissed."
Crow: [Picard] Begone from my sight! You sicken me!
> Barclay, Dean and Worf filed out of the room. The Picard spoke
>up again, "Now for the Harbor Keep Report, Captain Ohlin."
Mike: And now time for the Harbor Keep Halftime Report, with Victoria
Ohlin.
> "As you know Harbor Keep was attacked today, via a tunnel under
>the wall and a passage behind the waterfall," Captain Ohlin said. "The
>tunnel was discovered by Leiutenant Commander LaForge.
Crow: [Geordi] Yup. Pretty much. I saved _all_ your asses. Uh-huh.
> The Captains of
>the Sailing ships defended the Keep while LaForge colapesed the tunnel.
>During the attack, nine soldiers entered Harbor Keep, eight were
>killed, one captured.
Tom: I thought they killed them all.
Mike: They brought one back to life for questioning.
> An additional three soldiers were found under
>the table that had fallen into the hole and were captured. The
>excavation of the tunnel found three dozen soldeirs dead."
Crow: Is anyone else sickened by the massive death toll of this fanfic?
> "Enginneering report, LaForge."
> "After a sufficant gaurd had been assembled, my crew and I
>ecavated the collaped area," Geordi reported.
Mike: [Geordi] You're an archeologist, Picard. What's this bone thingy I
found?
> "We then proceed to open
>up the passage under the wall and install a door.
Tom: Knock, knock!
Crow: Who's there?
Tom: The Romulans. Can we come in and kill you?
> After Commaned Riker
>had declared the other side clear, we inspected the side under the
>waterfall we made some repairs and rigged an alarm."
Crow: With the materials which materialized along with the explosives.
> "Captain Washington, your infiltation plan's status?" Captain
>Picard said.
> "All Vulcans are in place," T'Gwen replied.
> "Naval readiness report,
Mike: Um, I've got some lint in mine.
> Captain Yoshida," Captain Picard said.
> "All five ships are ready," Yuki said. "We still need a
>Captain for the three masted affair we have named Enterprise.
Tom: Wait--in just five days they built an entirely new ship?
Mike: It just keeps getting worse and worse...
> Two
>dozen canoes have been built for the attack."
Crow: [laughing] They're going to attack a gunboat with _canoes?_ "Uh,
can you guys wait while we board you?"
> "LaForge has the Enterprise."
> "Thank you Captain,' LaForge replied.
Mike: [Picard] Just make sure you return her with a full tank.
> "Attack plan Gamma status, Captain Andrews," Picard asked.
> "All ships are ready," Phillip replied. "The canoes are ready
>to leave Harbor Keep though the tunnel
Crow: They based their attack plans on Pirates of the Carribean.
> at a moments notice. The signal
>for the attack has been set for the bells of Saint Paul's."
Tom: Everyone, synchronize your sundials.
> "Proceed with the attack as schuduled," Picard said. "Meeting
>Ajourned."
>
[Commercials]
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/========CHAPTER=TEN=========
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 48128.14
>Captain Marrissa Picard recording
>
> I have decided to meet with each side informally. Hopefully, I
>can get to what they really want this way.
> I believe I may have found the lever that I need to move
Crow: The one by the ship to get the page for the green book.
> this
>negotaition towead as solution. Nevolsia has decided not to allow
>StarFleet to renew its lease on Nevolsia Base,
Tom: Starfleet's lost its lease and that means EVERYTHING MUST GO!
> ending a 30 year
>occupancy.
>
> Marrissa walked into the crowded newly reopened Ten-Forward.
Bots: [whistle that showdown thingy and make spur noises]
Mike: [Marrissa] Sel Rahc Selaw, I've done heard that you say yer the
fastest phaser in the quadrant...
>Ross Lochard was working at the bar. Jay Gordon was talking to Clara
>Sutter over in one corner, but Marrissa's object was at the bar,
Crow: Wonderful, understandable booze.
Mike: [Marrissa] Booze doesn't keep any secrets from me.
> Sel
>Rahc Ekael. Marrissa went and sat down beside him. "Strawberry
>Sunday, Ross," she ordered.
> "Coming right up, Captain," Ross replied.
Tom: [Marrissa, defensive] I'm not bulimic!
> "Is Ross serving you alright, Sel Rahc Ekael," Marrissa asked
>turning towards him.
> "All right if you consider this synthale a drink," he
>responded.
Crow: Do you love beer? Have you ever collected a really cool beer
bottle? If you had to choose between beer and child support, which
would it be?
> "Do you really think you can solve this mess?"
> "That depends," Marrissa said. "What are you willing to give
>up for peace?"
Tom: [dumbly] Uh, war?
> "You really want do know don't you?" Sel Rahc Ekael said.
Crow: [Marrissa] Very good, Einstein. That's only what I've spent the
entire fanfic trying to do. You figure that out by yourself?
> He
>leaned over toward Marrissa and wispered, "An asteroid belt and Sobnia,
>but don't tell any one.
Mike: It can be our little secret.
> Of coarse Troac will require something in
>return."
Crow: Like two first round draft picks.
> "Would a starfleet base in orbit be an exceptable exchange?"
>Marrissa asked.
> "Yes," Ekeal said. "But how are you going to get Starfleet to
>put a base there?"
> "Lets say I have ways," Marrissa replied
Tom: [Marrissa] I'm friends with the author. He'd do _anything_ for me.
> recieving her sunday.
>"I'll see you at the table tomarrow."
> Marrissa then got up and took her sunday over to the table in
>the corner with Sel Rahc Selaw.
Mike: He was being moody, drinking cheap beer, and writing beat poetry.
> Before she chould as him if she chould join him Sel Rahc Selaw
>spoke up, "What does it take to get drunk on this ship?"
Crow: Booze: a major plot point in Ratliff's later years.
> "Generally a privite stash of alchol," Marrissa replied. "Ten-
>Forward only serves synthahol.
Tom: It's made from corn and burns cleaner than gasoline.
> It reduces the time its closed for
>repairs."
> "Oh, well," Selaw replied. "What interesting things did Ekael
>have to say?"
Mike: What? Was there something interesting in this fanfic that I
missed?
> "Nothing much,
Mike: Oh. Guess not.
> just how you have a large fleet of warp capable
>cargo ships he wishs he had or chould hire," Marrissa said.
> "The minister of
Tom: Truth?
Crow: Love?
Mike: Peace?
> Trade thought that would be a good use for our
>troop ships after the war," Sel Rahc Selaw said. "But we need so raw
>goods to start with in order to be traders to be reckoned with.
Mike: Or you could blow up their ships and be warriors to be reckoned
with.
> If we
>had the raw materails we would be able to reduce our armies quite
>substancally."
> "Then if the tready gave you these resources you would support
>it?" Marrissa asked.
Crow: Mmmmmmmmaybe. Maybe not.
> "Certainly."
> "Thank you for explaining your governments position," Marrissa
>said, getting up. "You have cleared up a lot
Mike: That Clearasil stuff has done wonders for your skin.
> of questions. See you at
>the table tomarrow."
> Marrissa pushed in her chair and went to join Clara and Jay at
>their table in the middle of Ten-Forward. "Are you two here on a
>date?" Marrissa asked with a smile.
Tom: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Knowhutimean?
> Clara blushed and said, "Yes and Vulcans lie habitally."
> "Just joking Clara, Jay," Marrissa said. "I was trying to get
>back at Jay for that Risa quip earlier."
Mike: Revenge is a dish best served cold.
> "He still hasn't learnt not to call you that?" Clara said.
> "I think he learnt too well that I HATE that nickname,"
Crow: Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa! Risa!
Mike: [grabbing Crow] Ok. That's enough.
>Marrissa said. "How is Alexander enjoying his time in command, Jay?"
> "He says it is good practice for running the House of Mog," Jay
>replied.
Mike: The latest polls have him doing better than the incumbent.
> "I take that means he loves it," Marrissa replied.
> "Of coarse," Jay replied.
> "How is the Mediation going?" Clara asked.
> "If I can get a Starfleet base at Troac,"
Tom: Then I'll have a monopoly!
> Marrissa began, "I
>believe I can solve the problem. However to do that I need the support
>of four of the seven members of the Starfleet Base location board."
> "I think my grandma, Admiral Ocie Epperly, can help," Jay
>replied.
Crow: Convenient plot twist coming in on runway 3.
> "Jay you mean that your grandmother is the Chief of StarFleet
>Engineering, not only a member of the board
Tom: [Marrissa] But a client, too?
> but the chair?" Marrissa
>said.
> "Yes," Jay replied innocently.
> "Then you have an assignment Jay," Marrissa said.
All: [hum Mission: Impossible theme]
> "Convince
>her that a base at Troac would be a good idea. I want approval of this
>base confirmed by tomarrow morning. I all ready know that Admirals
>Okie,
All: From Muskogee!
Crow: Hey, there's an Admiral Okie and an Admiral Ocie!
Mike: Wow, Crow, that's really...something.
> McGuire, and Necheyev will support it. Okie because he will do
>almost anything to end this mess.
Tom: This mess known as Who Q? Where Q?
> McGuire and Necheyev want a modern
>base in this sector and this would do that."
> "You know your admirals," Jay replied.
Mike: Not a word, you guys.
> "Not as well as I'd like to,"
Mike: Especially now.
> Marrissa said. "Before Clara has
>to go to the bridge we have a little ships business to attend to. Jay,
>your parents are transfering to the Independence.
Tom: [Jay] How do you know that? They haven't got any orders yet!
Crow: [Marrissa] I have my ways...now do what I said!
> Captain Morris has
>informed me that she wants you to form a Kid's Crew on board as soon as
>you arrive."
> "Are you sure someone doesn't have a better Kobayshi Maru
>time?" Jay said nevrously.
Tom: I AM SO SICK OF THE WHOLE KOBAYSHI MARU LINE OF REASONING!! IT'S A
NO-WIN SITUATION!! NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU LAST, YOU LOSE!! HEAR THAT,
MARRISSA?? YOU'RE A LOSER!! YOUR WHOLE EXISTENCE IS BASED ON FLAWED
LOGIC!! IF YOU HAD ANY COMMAND CAPABILITY AT ALL YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
YOUR CREW THE HELL AWAY FROM THE NEUTRAL ZONE ON THE SECOND TIME
THROUGH THE THING INSTEAD OF TRYING TO SEE HOW MUCH MORE TIME YOU CAN
SQUEEZE OUT BEFORE THE ENEMY RUBS OUT THE LIVES OF ALL THOSE ENTRUSTED
TO YOU!! GET A CLUE!!!! [gasps, then slumps over]
Mike: Tommy? Are you okay?
Tom: [softly] It hurts, Mike.
Mike: [holding him] I know, I know...
> "Listen to him, Marrissa," Clara said. "A nineteen minute
>forty-two second time the forth best time in the federation, and he is
>worried that someone -- some kid -- beating it."
Crow: Or finding out what a flimsy plot device it is.
> "Not likely at all," Marrissa said. "The only people with
>better times are myself, Captain Morris, and Admiral Necheyev. But
>back to business, Clara of coarse will be my new first officer, but who
>will replace her as second officer and Cheif Engineer?"
> "Alexander would make a fine number
Crow: I am not a number! I am--oh forget it...
> two intill you can arrange
>a test," Jay replied.
> "I agree," Clara said.
Mike: Marrissa and her yes men hold a meeting.
> "OK, Alexander for second officer," Marrissa said. "Clara, who
>do suggest to fill the Chief Engineer's position?"
> "Shayna Sachs, but she will need some training," Clara replied.
Tom: Such as "What is a circuit?" and "How do wheels work?"
>"I would like to continue to some of the Engineering drills though."
> "That's your priviledge as first officer," Marrissa replied.
>"How much training do you think she will need?"
Mike: Hmm. Most people attend Starfleet Academy for at least four years.
> "Give her six months and she will be ready," Clara said. "If
>she tones down the practical jokes.
Crow: No more filling the Vulcans' sleeping quarters with laughing gas.
> It would have taken less but I had
>no idea I'd be leaving the department."
Mike: Under a cloud of shame.
> "I'll agree with Clara's selection and the remark concerning
>the practical jokes," Jay said.
> "Then it's settled," Marrissa said.
Tom: Applebee's for lunch it is!
> "Clara you better get to
>the Bridge. As Lieutenant Commander LaForge says 'It doesn't look good
>for the C.O. to be late.'"
Tom: When did he say that?
Mike: I'm sure he did, somewhere. Ratliff probably has the episodes
completely memorized, identified by season, number, and title, and all
taped and ordered on a shelf in his room.
Crow: What a loser.
>
>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 48131.27
>Captain Marrissa Picard recording
>
> Having recieved word from the StarFleet Base Location Board of
>the approaval of the new Deep Space Thirteen at Troac, I am about to
>spring an agreement on the Sel Rahc that no side will be able to object
>to ... I hope and pray.
>
> "Good Morning everyone," Marrissa said
Crow: Gooooood Moooorniiiing, unstable Balkan colonies!
> entering the room in
>dress uniform, which she had never done before. (She hates the
>uniform's collar.)
Tom: What's with the sudden intrusion of the author?
Mike: Ratliff's getting just a little too personal with Marrissa for my
comfort.
> The Sel Rahcs looked up expectantly.
> "You seem cheerful this morning," Sel Rahc Akros observed.
> "Yes," Marrissa rerplied. "I beleive I have found a solution
Mike: To Fermat's last theorem in strictly Euclidean space.
>to this problem that everyone can agree with."
> "HUMPH, I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT," Sel Rahc Ekael said, in
>his usual tone.
Crow: I.e., loud.
> "I'll outline the plan while you read it, no interuptions
>please," Marrissa began her umpteenth proposal, some what nervously.
>"Bresa and Troac wht withdreaw their troops within a week from the
>signing of this document. Troac will recieve the Starfleet Base which
>Nevolsia no longer wants. Bresa will take over proctectorateship of
>the Eceerg Astroid Belt.
Mike: Beware of Keergs bearing tfigs.
> A commitee consisting of two repressentives
>from each planet plus one elected from the non planeatry bound
>inhabitants,
Crow: Is that the Virginia or the New Jersey plan?
> will be set up for the medaitation of disputes and other
>insystem problems. Objections, comments, proposed mocifications?
>Troac?"
> "MY PLANET CAN'T WITHDAWAL WITHIN THAT TIME LIMIT," Sel Rahc
>Ekael blustered. "BRESA HAS DESTORYED TOO MANY OF OUR SHIPS."
Mike: AND THEY BROKE OUR KEYBOARDS SO THEY'RE STUCK IN ALL-CAPS MODE.
> "If you will direct you attention to article two section two,"
>Marrissa replied, "You will note that the withdrawal will be over seen
>by various StarFleet Vessels, some of which can, WILL transport a
>portion of each side. Any other objections?"
Tom: I object to this entire story.
> "No."
> "Bresa?"
> "No objections here as long as you transportation assistance
>extends to the Bres," Sel Rack Selaw said in a monotone.
Crow: Must remain bland.
> "It does," Marrissa replied.
> "Then Bresa will be happy to put its signature on this
>document," Selaw finished.
> "Sobnia?"
> "I'm speech less, I never thoght I'd see the day," Sel Rahc
>Akros said with tears in her eyes. "This is everything that I had
>hoped for."
Mike: And less.
> "Since all of you are eager to sign this tready, we will set up
>a signing before the press at 1600 hours in Ten Forward I Will See you
>There," Marrissa replied exiting the room.
Tom: [Marrissa] I'd better get outta here before they read the small
print!
> As she left the room she
>thought in great relief, 'This medaition sure has been trying. Trying
>but worth it, defanantly worth it. Perhaps a bubble bath
Crow: I'll see if Alexander's interested.
Mike: CROW!
Tom: [sniffing] Ratliff's little girl is growing up. It seems like just
yesterday she was a young ill-defined character.
Mike: She still is.
Tom: See what I mean.
> and a
>strawberry shake would refresh myself before the signing -- but I'll
>problablly be called to the bridge."
Mike: While Marrissa takes a warm bath, I think Ratliff should take a
cold shower.
>
>
>. -_--_- ___ -_--_-
>. \ /-^___^-\ /
>--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--| O | ||||| | O |--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--
>| | O | ||||| | O | |
>| C H A P T E R | _| ||||| |_ | E L E V E N |
>| | #| ||||| |# | |
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> The sixth and final dawn appeared in the east over Old Castle.
>Captain Picard was once again in the New Castle tower.
Tom: Old Castle, New Castle, Green River, Blue River; someone needs to
invent the proper noun quick.
> Picard was not
>up watching the sunrise when the bells of Saint Paul's rang out,
Mike: [singing] But the music of their ringing, and music of our
singing...
>calling people to mourning Mass.
Tom: You mean a requiem?
Crow: Today has just been one long Dies Irae.
Mike: Amen to that.
> His attention was taken up by the
>five ships which sailed up the Green. as the bells tolled
Tom: For whom are the bells tolling?
Mike: Ask not, for they toll for you.
> the five
>ships unloaded troops right above the Romulan camp. Accross the Blue,
>canoes entered the water, delievering a second force from accross the
>water.
Mike: Meanwhile, Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow developed the Third
Force.
> A line of soildeirs formed between the rivers.
> Meanwhile the ships had left the shore and were proceeding down
>stream. As they passed the Romulan camp they took a couple potshots at
>it. Before Riker chould charge, several Romulans approached the line
>under a flag of truce.
Crow: [Riker] Stupid peace loving Romulans! I never have any fun!
>
> "Commander, we wish to surrender and ask for terms," The
>Romulan asked.
> "Commander out of curiousity why are you surrendeing," Riker
>asked.
Tom: [Romulan] We figure it'll get us out of this story faster.
> "Suddenly it seemed to be useless to continue," the Romulan
>Commander said, after amoment. "A Hopeless battel is bad enough, but
>one for the amusement of a superbeing is just plain crazy."
Mike: Is that a scathing commentary on the nature of God?
Crow: No.
> "I've found that to be true as well," Commander Riker said.
>"You will be interested to know that this time, Q, the local
>superbeing, is doing this in order to perpare a term paper on humanity
>and our Captain."
Mike: [Romulan] Well, that makes all our deaths worth it then.
> Q's voice rang out, "Get it right Commander, my book
>_Humanity,_Captain_Picard's_Race_, will be published by Nevolsia Press
>next April."
> "Romulus is going to enjoy this report," the Romulan Commander
>said.
>
> Later taht day, Captain T'Gwen Washington rushed into the map
>room of New Castle.
Tom: For some strange reason, she was bringing coals.
> Captain Picard and Commander Riker were there
>spectuclating on how Marrissa was doing
Crow: Is there much of a bonds market on Marrissa?
Tom: [Riker] I'll purchase a Marrissa at 3.4% annual interest.
> in command of the Enterprise.
>"I think she is having a hard time," Commander Riker said. "After all
>she has no experance at diplomatic negoitation."
Mike: That never stopped Captain Kirk.
> "I don't agree, Number One," Captain Picard said. "After all
>she has a B+ in TACT 360 Diplomatic Negoitation."
Crow: Gosh, that's much better than actual experience!
> "Captain Picard," Captain Washington interupted, "I have word
>from my intelligence agents.
Mike: [T'Gwen] "Perforation." We're not sure what they meant by that.
> My fellow Vulcans report that the
>Romulans are returning to attack us within the hour."
> "I expected that," Captain Picard said. "Commander Riker
>status of the walls?"
Tom: [Riker] Brick.
> "All manned and ready, Captain," Riker replied.
> "How did you know they would return?" T'Gwen asked.
Mike: [Poirot] I used my little grey cells.
> "It was too easy," Picarad replied. "Q usally provides more of
>a challange. So how do you think my daughter is doing in command of
>the Enterprise's diplomatic mission?"
> "Is this the same girl who distroyed the Romulan Woarbird at
>Neptune?" the half-Vulcan asked.
>
Crow: I guess now we'll never know.
Tom: [flatly] Boo-hoo.
> In the Battle field before SOuth Gate the Romulans charged with
>ladders and stockpiled weapons. Data's archers were ready. A full
>fifth of the Romulans failed to reach the Wall. When they got their
>they
Tom: Their they?
Crow: I me mine, I me mine, I me mine.
> put their ladders up to the wall, ingoring the two foot wide and
>widing stream that LaForge had dug next to the Wall. Water flowed
>quickly from the Blue to a waterfall into the Green.
Tom: I'm having trouble resolving all that.
Mike: Think of it as an Escher drawing.
> Placeing their
>ladders so that the base was about 3 feet away from the wall they began
>there assent. As the stream widened the Romulans were knock off their
>ladders into the swift flowing stream down the waterfall into the
>Green.
Crow: These Romulans must have been trained in the arts of war by the
Trakce.
> Soon the Romulans retreated. The men of South Gate suffered no
>casaultes. The Romulans lost 50 %.
Tom: Nice they could prorate the battle.
>
> Inside the Map room, LaForge was explain how his plan worked.
Mike: And he was explain his own unique verb structure.
>"The new stream was built in a rock bed extending from the Blue to the
>Green. It improves the defenses of the south wall," LaForge stated.
> "What about the Gate?" Riker asked.
Mike: The Pearly Gate?
Tom: The Golden Gate?
Crow: Gate McFadden?
> "A drawbridge should restore the gate," Laforge replied.
> At that moment Q arrived in Starfleet dress uniform," It's nice
>to see all of you made it," he stated dryly.
Mike: [Q] I'm being ironic, though I'm not exactly sure about what.
> "I assume this means you are about to return us to the
>Enterprise?" Captain Picard asked.
Tom: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
> "Certainly Jean-Luc," Q replied. "You will be returned as soon
>as I finish taking to you. Marrissa has requested that I arrange your
>arrival in a certain manner.
Crow: [Q] I think she called it "abject humiliation."
> I have seen fit to grant her request."
> "So she impressed you," Commander Riker said.
> "I said nothing of the sort," Q replied indignatly. "Now on to
>those arrival arrangements.
Tom: Put on these clown suits.
> The crews from the Miranda Class vessels
>will return to there ships as they left but a week later. However the
>Enterprise is a differant matter. The Command Crew will appear in
>front of the main viewscreen. The rest of the crew will appear in
>their quarters. Any Questions?"
Mike: Will this be on the final?
> "Any thing we should know about the situation on the
>Enterprise," Captain Picard said.
> "No, Marrissa will be beriefing you
Tom: In the mourning?
> when you arrive with
>Admiral Okie via subspace," Q replied. "I wanted to bring him to the
>Enterprise but he politely refused." He sighed. "Any thing else?"
> As the Enterprise Crew had no more questions they disappeared
>in a flash.
Tom: Let's disappear too.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[Tom and Crow appear to be in some sort of mystical garb. On the desk is
a rather blurry freeze frame of Marrissa from "Disaster." They are
chanting when Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey, whatcha guys doing?
Tom: Silence, mortal! Do not interrupt our religious ceremony for our
beloved god.
Crow: Yeah, dork.
Mike: And who is your beloved god?
Crow: The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-smelling [heavy reverb] MARRISSA!
Mike: Come off it. Marrissa isn't a god.
Tom: You would like to think that, wouldn't you, Unbeliever? Well, who
commands the Enterprise?
Mike: Marrissa.
Crow: Who happens to have everything work out just perfectly for her,
even to the point of defying the laws of physics and probability?
Mike: Um, Marrissa.
Tom: Who created humanity?
Mike: Now wait--
Crow: Reflect on verse 3:16 from the Gospel according to Ratliff: For
Marrissa so lovd the world. taht SHe gave her only begoten parents so
that whosoever beleived in Her chould have ever lasting life.
Tom: Come, Michael, help us render our burnt offerings up to Her.
Mike: But I don't believe that--
Crow: Yeah, but you're the only one of us with functional arms.
Mike: All right. What do I do?
Tom: Take these Star Wars figures and set 'em on fire.
Mike: No!
Crow: Please?
Mike: No, for I am a firm believer in the Holy Trinity of Anakin, Luke,
and Leia.
Tom: [gasping] You don't mean--!
Mike: Yes! I am a Lucasian!
[A moment of stunned silence from the bots until:]
Crow: JIHAD!
[Tom and Crow leap on Mike. All three fall behind the desk and scuffle
for a few seconds before the commercial sign lights flash.]
[Commercials]
[Back in the theatre]
Tom: That was fun. Remind us to have holy wars more often.
Mike: Whatever you say, Louis IX.
>
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/=======CHAPTER=TWELVE=======
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 48132.4
>Captain Marrissa Picard recording
>
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard, my father, and the adult crew are due
>to return in hour.
Mike: [Marrissa] And I still haven't vacuumed the bridge.
> I will be handing him the command of the Enterprise
>after he has been briefed. However, Admiral Okie has informed me that
>I will retain command of the mission to oversee the withdrawal, because
>and I quote "It's traditional."
Crow: [Jewish] Without tradition, we are...oh, why bother.
> The Admiral has assigned the Independence, the Hood, and
>promised me four Miranda class vessels as soon as he can get a hold of
>the Brattain, the Hemingway, the Miranda, and the Hemingway.
Mike: Yes, but what about the Hemingway?
> These
>ships will also be under my command.
Tom: Then I start my conquest!
> After this mission is complete I will be returning to my
>position as a lowly ensign at CONN (as far as I know).
Mike: Foreshadowing: your guide to quality literature!
> I'm looking
>foward to the rest. I want to be Captain of my own ship someday but
>this is just too quick ...
Crow: I can't handle it! It's too much, do you hear me! TOO MUCH!!
> from ensign to commanding 300 then 3000
>people in two weeks is a little trying. I'd prefer to ease into the
>position.
>
> The Ready Room doors parted.
Tom: Statistics show that almost half of all doors end in divorce.
> Marrissa Picard stepped out. The
>Kid's Crew Command Crew were all assembled
Crow: Though batteries weren't included.
> on the bridge at their
>stations. Alexander was at Ops, Heather Cowhig at CONN. To the left
>of the command chair Jay Gordon had just sat down in the first
>officer's position at the right hand of the Captain. In the
>traditional Doctor's seat sat Doctor Jackson Johnson. Above them
Mike: God looked down unapprovingly.
> stood
>young Patterson Supra at Tactical and behind him at the aft Engineering
>station sat Clara Sutter.
> "Report, Number One." Marrissa's voice rang out.
Tom: [Jay] Geez! You don't have to shout! I'm right here.
> "All stations normal," Jay replied. "The Independence reports
>a ETA of 1300 hours. The Hood 1250 hours. No word on our Miranda
>class starships."
Crow: Well, they were advised that anything they said could and would be
used against them.
> "Thank you Number One," Marrissa said sitting down in the
>Command Chair. "As soon as the CoMmand Crew arrives They and myself
>will go into a meeting.
Tom: And only one of us is coming out alive.
> Once they arrive you may begin replacing and
>adding the regular crew to your departments.
Mike: Heaven knows, we wouldn't want to give command back to the capable
officers.
> I know Clara wants to
>have her father under her command."
> "I haven't said that," Clara said blushing.
> "To quote my father's favorite Shakespere line, 'the lady doth
>protest too much, me thinks,'"
Tom: Madness in mediocre ones must not go unwatched.
Crow: Though this be stupidity, there is method in't.
Mike: [clears throat] To--
Crow: Do it and die, Nelson.
> Marrissa replied, "Hamlet Act III. I
>know I'd enjoy the experience." A laugh ran around the bridge
Mike: Oh, it's a running gag.
> at
>Marrissa's last remark. It was to such a bridge that the Command crew
>reappeared on in front of the viewscreen. Once they arrived Marrissa
>was all business.
Tom: [Marrissa] Fifty dollars, and I want it up front.
> "Welcome back, Captain, Commanders, and
>Lieuetenant," Marrissa said. "Before I return command and you return
>to duty, may I suggest a briefing?"
> "Excellent idea, Marrissa, lead the way," Captain Picard said.
>Captain Picard and the regular command crew followed Marrissa
Tom: Like the spineless sheep they are.
> to the
>conferance lounge doors.
> "You have the bridge, Number One," Marrissa called out.
> Reflexsively both Commander Riker and Jay Gordon replied, "Aye,
>sir." Marrissa laughed.
> "You have no idea how long I have waited to do that," Marrissa
>commented.
Mike: Marrissa's patience knows no length, her vengeance no depth.
> "To do what," Commander Riker asked. Then suddenly it dawned
>on him.
Tom: ...eight...nine...ten...
> "Oh!" He remembered the second time Marrissa had visited the
>bridge and the relpy to Picard's usual 'you have the bridge Number
>One'. This time it was his mistake that lead to laughs.
Mike: This was the beginning of the longstanding resentment Riker
harbored for Marrissa.
>
> The Command Crew assembled arround the table. Only Marrissa
>remained standing by the viewscreen.
Tom: Twisting the knobs to draw the needed pictures.
Crow: [Marrissa] Oh damn! I need a diagonal line!
> Captain Picard was at the head of
>the table and Commander Riker to his right. Next to him was the pale
>faced android, Data followed by his friend Geordi LaForge.
Crow: A sudden rash of modifiers had infected them.
> A seat was
>empty at the other end of the table. Coming back down the other side
>were Worf, Troi, and Doctor Crusher.
Tom: I see Marrissa has a copy of Robert's Rules of Order.
> "I'll begin with my orders followed by my actions and by that
>time Admiral Okie will contact us on subspace," Marrissa said. "Or so
>a litte bird told me."
Mike: [singing] Little bird, little bird, please have pity on me...
> "Ensign, humor is not appropriate in a briefing," Riker said.
> "First of all, how may pips are on my collor COMMANDER,"
>Marrissa asked.
> "Four."
> "How many pips to Ensigns wear?"
> "One."
> "What rank wears four?"
> "Captain."
> "Why are you calling me ensign?" Marrissa said.
Crow: [knife sound] Shhhhhllk!
Tom: [Riker, high pitched] Thank you for emasculating me in front of
everyone, sir.
> "Computer
>state name rank and stardate since for Commanding Officer USS
>Enterprise."
Mike: While you're at it, Marrissa, why don't you give him a paper cut
and rub salt and lemon juice in it?
> The Computer replied, "The USS Enterprise has been under the
>command of Captain Marrissa Amber Picard since STARDATE 48125."
> "I hope you treat my father better when he is in command,"
>Marrissa said.
Tom: What a b--
Mike: Don't finish that sentence.
> "And as for humor, Q in the form of a little bird in
>the aurborituim informed me of this fact. Do you think I can continue
>without interuption, COMMANDER?"
Crow: It was at this point that Riker lost control and stood up, grabbed
his phaser, and shot Marrissa.
Mike: And the crowd goes wild.
Bots: Yeah.
> "Yes, sir," Commander Riker replied.
Mike: [Troi] Damn, I wish I could lead him around by the balls like
that.
> "That's nice," Marrissa said. "Now back to the briefing.
>Computer replay Offical Orders, USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D Stardate
>48125."
> Admiral Okie appeared on screen as the computer intoned,
Crow: "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dave."
>"Official Orders to USS Enterprise, USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D, Marrissa
>Amber Picard commanding."
> Then Admiral Okie began,
All: [singing] I'm proud to be...
> "Marrissa Amber Picard, you are hereby
>field promoted to Captain, revocable at Starfleet Diplomatic's
>discretion. The Enterprise under your command is to continue to the
>Naklab system as previously ordered.
Tom: Previously, on Who Q? Where Q?
> "Upon arrival, you are to mediate the dispute over Sobnia
>between the parties of Bres, Troac, and Sobnia. In addition, you are
>to provide medical assistance to the people of Sobnia.
> "In order to carry out this mission you are autourized to take
>any reasonable number
Mike: A Gajillion!
> of poeple from Nevolsia Base to fill personnel
>gaps. You may promote or assign people to acting ranks up to
>Lieutenant Commander you deam necessary.
> "You may be relieved of this position by myself, Admiral
>Necheyev, or Captain Picard when he returns and reports to me, Necheyev
>or our sucessors."
> "This concludes
Mike: Our broadcast day.
Crow: [imitates a test screen pattern]
Tom: How'd you do that?
Crow: Trade secret.
> Offical Orders STARDATE 48125," the Computer
>concluded.
> "Now that you know my orders on to my actions," Marrissa said.
> "Upon arrival at Nevolsia Base I picked up Dr Jackson Johnson
>to serve as CMO.
Mike: CMO Sharkey?
> I also picked up 312 additional personnel, housing
>them in guest quarters.
Tom: It's the NCC-Motel 6.
> "I then proceeded to pick up the negotiators form the planets
>involved and settled
Mike: 140 acres in Nebraska.
> into standard orbit around Sobnia. All the while
>making sure that they would not know which Captain Picard was in
>command untill they entered mediation.
> "Shortly before beginning mediation I sent down Medical relief
>teams. These teams consisted of one security officer and two medical
>personnel.
Crow: That way, when the red shirts get killed, the medics can make out
the autopsy report in half the time.
> "I began the mediation. Little progress was made until the
>third day when the Bres negotiator let slip that the Troac negotiator
>chouldn't
Tom: Distinguish between "shouldn't" and "couldn't."
> control his section of the asteroid belt. Together with
>other facts that slipped out and the failure of Starfleet to renew the
>lease on Nevolsia Base, I was able to peice together a solution.
Mike: Not a very good solution, but still...
> "Basically the Bres and Troac leave Sobnia. The Bres getts the
>asteroid belt. Troac gets the new Deep Space Thirteen.
Crow: And an expansion football team.
> And they all
>live happily ever after ... I hope."
Mike: [singing] Into the woods, then out of the woods, and happily ever
after...
Tom: [singing] I wish...
> "Any Questions?" Marrissa asked coming around to the empty seat
>and laying her crossed arms on top of the back with her head resting on
>it.
Mike: Her childish pose displaying her trashy-elegant nyphetness for all
the world to see.
Tom: Chris has been reading Nabokov again, hasn't he?
> "How did you get Starfleet's approval for the new Deep Space
>Thirteen, you called it?" Lieutenant Commander LaForge asked.
Tom: [Marrissa] I dropped 75 cents into the deus ex vending machina at
the end of the hall.
> "There are seven members of the base location board," Marrissa
>said.
Crow: Three had to be eliminated.
> "Admiral Okie supported it because it got rid of one of his
>problems. Admiral McGuire and Admiral Necheyev supported it because an
>newly built base will be able to support thier ships better. Admiral
>Epperly supported it because her grandson Jay convinced her that it was
>a good thing.
Crow: [child] Grandma, grandma, can we declare war on the Cardassians?
Mike: [elderly falsetto] If you're a good boy, maybe for Christmas.
> The measure passed 4-3 only because I was pressed for
>time and stopped after passage was guaranteed."
> "Bridge to Captain Marrissa Picard," Jay's voice said over the
>communicator.
> "Go ahead Jay," Marrissa said.
> "Admiral Okie is calling on subspace," Jay said.
> "Patch him in here," Marrissa said sitting down.
> Once again the vistage of Admiral Edward Okie appeared on the
>viewscreen. He began, "Welcome back
Tom: Kotter.
> Captain Picard. I hope you don't
>mind my quick promotion of your adopted daughter."
> "Not at all," Jean-Luc Picard said. "Esspecailly since she did
>my job for me.
Mike: [Picard] I'm thinking of pawning off all my responsibilities on
her, now.
> Quicker than I thought possable I might add."
> "Then you will enjoy my next orders even more," Admiral Okie
>said.
Mike: [Okie] I've ordered a sequel.
Bots: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
> "You can resume command of the Enterprise at you leasure but you
>and the Captains of the Independance, the Hood, the Miranda, the
>Brattain, the Hemingway, and the Tien Nan Men are now under the command
>of Captain Marrissa Picard.
Tom: We've decided to make her God.
> Marrissa, you are now in charge of
>overseeing the withdrawal from Sobnia of the Bres and Troac."
> "You realize what an ackward position
Crow: A bass-ackward position?
> you have just put me in
>Admiral?" Jean-Luc Picard said. "How does someone get his commanding
>officer to clean up her room?"
Tom: [flatly] Ah, yes. Humor. That provided a much needed break from all
the gripping drama.
> "Hey! you haven't had to do that once since you adopted me!"
>Marrissa responded indignatly. A laugh echoed arround the room.
All: [weakly] Ha. Ha. Ha.
> "I'm sure you can stand it for a week," Okie replied. "After
>all, how dirty can a room get in a week?"
Mike: [Picard] You've never seen Marrissa. She's the biggest slob in
Starfleet!
> "Do you really want to know?" Worf replied. "I'm sure
>Alexander hasn't cleaned his."
> "You are probably right, Lieutenant," Marrissa replied. "Being
>Ambassador at Large
All: I'm HUGE!
> from the Klingon High Council is not exactly a job
>with a lot of free time. Plue he commands Beta shift as well."
> "Ambassador at Large from the Klingon High Council! that's a
>lifetime appointment!" Worf exclaimed. "How did he obtain that?"
Mike: Through a nasty plot contrivance we won't get into here.
> "I asked him to see if his Uncle chould find him a position in
>which he chould represent the Klingon Government," Marrissa said.
Crow: The universe bends to every one of Marrissa's whims.
>"That way I could have him take care of some gunners which were
>troubling Overjares with out involving the Federation. So Alexander
>came back form talking with his Uncle Kern
Tom: [singing] Ol' man river...
> with that position and those
>guns are now located in Cargo Bay 8 also known as the Klingon Embassy
>by the Klingon Empire. By the way Gowron
Mike: _Dave_ Gowron? From Zeeman High School? Man, I haven't seen him in
years!
> has seen fit to send
>Ambassador Alexander a couple Birds of Prey
Tom: Some bald eagles, California condors, that sort of thing.
> to assist Ambassador
>Alexander in returning those weapons to thier home planet."
> "Amazing,"
Crow: Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
> Admiral Okie said. "However, I better get back to
>work. The Dimilitarized Zone mess demands my attention.
Mike: Five million dollars says that that is the subject of the next
Marrissa fanfic.
> Thank you for
>your assistance, Marrissa. I've enjoyed talking to all of you.
>Admiral Okie out."
> As the screen changed to the StarFleet insignia, Marrissa spoke
>up,
Tom: [Marrissa] Up up up up up up.
Mike: That's not what he meant.
> "LaForge, Doctor Crusher, Worf, your subsututes will be available
>to inform you on the status of your departments," Marrissa said.
>"According to regulations you are all on leave untill you login
Crow: [Riker] Oh man, I've probably got a huge backlog of email.
>offically. Do you what
Tom: [Picard] What?
Crow: [Marrissa] Exactly.
> the Enterprise now or later, Dad?"
> "When we get to the bridge will be soon enough," Captain Jean-
>Luc Picard said. "Do you want a breifing on our adventure now or do
>you want it as a bedtime story?"
Mike: [Marrissa] Don't condescend to me! Security, to the brig with him!
Crow: As Marrissa's power base expanded, so did her authoritarian
tendencies.
> "Neither, try post dinner," Marrissa replied. "I have a
>feeling it will take a while and I have about seven starship Captains
>to give orders to and I haven't made half of them up."
Crow: Oh, they're imaginary starship captains.
> "Then we will adjourn to the bridge," Captain Jean-Luc Picard
>said.
>
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/=======CHAPTER=THIRTEEN=====
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Marrissa Picard emerged from her room on her firt full day as
>Fleet Commander
All: [groan]
> in full uniform by still sleepy eyed and yawning. Her
>father was already up and eating breakfast.
Crow: [Marrissa] Awww, not croissants again!
> "Good Mourning Marrissa," Captain Jean-Luc Picard said.
> "Good Mourning Captain," Marrissa yawend. "Where is the
>Doctor?"
> "She had a medical emergency to attend to," her father replied.
Tom: [Picard] Yeah, like, someone died or something.
> Moving to the replicator she said, "I hope it wasn't too bad.
>Computer, toast with strawberry jam, and a glass of strawberry juice."
> "I doubt it was bad as it was on Holodeck One," Captain Picard
>replied.
Mike: [Picard] Dear God that was a mess. Limbs everywhere.
> "So the good doctor had just arrived when the call came in,"
>Marrissa said sitting down oppisite the door.
> "No."
> "Then she spent the night and don't lie to you Commanding
>Officer," Marrissa said.
Mike: Hello?!
> "Yes, sir," Jean-Luc Picard said. Then the door chime rang.
>"Come."
Tom: I thought you already did.
Mike: Normally I'd reprimand you, but I'm still in shock.
> The Doctor entered attired in the usual uniform covered with a
>blue lab coat. "Good mourning Jean-Luc, Marrissa, may I join you?" she
>said.
Crow: Oh wow! It's a menage a trois!
> "Of coarse, Doctor," Marrissa said. "What was the Medical
>Emergency?"
Crow: [Beverly] Oh, I had to pop out and give myself an abortion.
Mike: Crow, thank you for offending everyone.
Crow: No problem.
> "Ensign Sutter broke both legs on the holodeck,: Doctor Crusher
>said. "After being under the command of his daughter for a shift he
>had a sudden urge to go
Tom: High-board pavement diving.
> kayaking. I sent him to Couselor Troi after
>treatment.
Mike: For some love therapy.
> Apparently being commanded by ones daughter makes one do
>things they haven't done in years."
Tom: Like wearing diapers and eating strained peas.
> "And have you detected this in my father?" Marrissa asked.
> "Yes but I like the results too much to send him to Troi,'
>Beverly Crusher replied.
Crow: [Beverly] He's mine, do you hear?! Mine!
> "That is direction of duty Doctor," Jean-Luc replied softly.
Mike: [cringing, arms covering his head] Ullllaalallaaahh!
> "So-what," Beverley responed reaching for this hand.
Tom: Ohgodmakeitstoppleasemakeitstopohpleaseohpleaseohpleasemakeitstop!
Crow: Take me back, Stage Manager! I don't want to see any more!
> Marrissa got up and nearing the door said, "I'll leave you two
>lovebirds alone." The lovebirds didn't even notice her leaving.
Tom: FOR GOD'S SAKE, RATLIFF!! STOP NOW!!
>
Tom: Oh. I guess he did.
Crow: Phew. It's over.
Mike: Uhhhh, I don't feel so good.
> Later that mourning Marrissa entered the bridge from the aft
>turbolift. Commander Riker was in command and Data and Worf where in
>their places. "Mourning, Commander," Marrissa said.
Mike: [Riker] Uh, no. Why? Did someone die?
> "Good mourning Captain," Commander Riker said. "Where is your
>father? he is usaul in his ready room by now."
> "He is being held by the Chief Medical Officer,"
Tom: Crow?
Crow: I'm not touching it.
> Marrissa said.
>"Ross status of the fleet?"
Mike: The Ross status is ok. It's the Phil status I'm worried about.
> "The Enterprise is on coarse to from Troac to Sobnia," Ensign
>Ross Lochard said.
Tom: Ross Lockhard!
Crow: Stump Hugelarge!
Mike: Cliff Beefpile!
> "The Independance is in orbit of Sobnia. The Hood
>is on coarse from Sobnia to Bres. The Brittain and Hemingway are
>escorting the Traoc fleet back from Sobnia. The Tian Nan Men and
>Miranda are escorting the Bres fleet to Sobnia."
Tom: [Ross] They said something about bombing someone back to the stone
age.
> "Message coming in from the Miranda proirity one for the fleet
>commander," Lieutenant Worf annouced.
Crow: [Marrissa] Oh God, it's Vicki. Tell her I'm not here.
> "On screen," Marrissa said, moving to the rail of tacical.
> The half-Vulcan Captain, T'Gwen Washington, appeared on screen.
>Behind her the Miranda's bridge was smokey
Mike: It's Smokey Joe's Bridge!
> and people were running from
>station to station.
Crow: Look, pick a channel and stick with it!
> Medical officers were attending to the Tactical
>and CONN Officers. "Enterprise this is the Miranda," T'Gwen said.
Tom: Like, no duh.
> "A
>Bres ship ahd broken off from the fleet we are escorting, attacked us
>and is heading toward the Troac fleet. We have lost weapons and
>impluse power."
Mike: Leave them alone and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind
them.
> "Ross, closest large ships to the Miranda and the renegade
>vessel?" Marrissa asked.
> "To the Miranda, the Hood; to the renegade, the Enterprise,"
Crow: Big surprise.
>Ross replied.
> "Captain, the Hood will assist you, Enterprise out," Marrissa
>ordered. "Ross send the appropriate orders.
Tom: [Marrissa] I can't be bothered with the trifiling details of the
actually mechanics of command.
> Commander, I want that
>renegade stoped before it reaches the Troac Fleet and all my work goes
>down the drain."
> As Riker began speaking Marrissa com down the left side of
>bridge and took up the Counselor's seat.
Mike: [Marrissa] I'm sensing a huge butt sat here.
> "Helm set an intercept course
>full impluse," Riker ordered. "Red Alert, Captain to the Bridge,
Tom: [Picard over communicator] Uh...Riker...just--just five more
minutes...
>senior staff to the Bridge. Worf ready all weapons and tractor beams,
>raise shields. Hail
Crow: The conquering hero.
> the renegade." Riker moved between Ops and CONN.
>"Bressan vessal this is the Enterprise, please respond."
> "No response," replied Worf.
Tom: [Riker] Come on, pick up. I know you're there.
> "If you do not cease your coarse toward the Troac fleet we will
>be forced to take action," Riker continued.
Mike: It's about time that somebody took action.
> "The Bressan Vessel is coming about," Worf said. "She has
>fired on the Troac fleet with torpedoes. The Brittain has intercepted
>them.
Crow: The Britain has the ball! I think it might go all the way!
> She has lauched a round at us." Moments later torpedoes hit the
>Enterprise. "In effective, sheilds at 99%"
Tom: Ach, ya. Vaht puny girlie torpedoes.
> "Mr WOrf are we in phaser range?" Riker asked.
> "No phaser range in 30 seconds," WOrf replied. "Thier phaser
>range in 45 seconds."
> A second round of torpedoes impacted the Enterprise as Captain
>Jean-Luc Picard arrived. "Status Number One?" he asked.
> "We are closing in on a renegade vessel which disabled the
>Miranda and was heading toward the Troac Fleet untill we got it's
>attention," Riker replied.
Crow: [Riker] Oh, and your fly's open. Sir.
> "It opened fire when we told it to halt.
>It refuses all hails."
Mike: [Bres ship] Nah, nah, nah. I can't hear you. Nah, nah, nah.
> A thrid round of torpedoes impacted the
>Enterprise.
> "Captain, the Bres vessel does not have shields up," Data said.
> "Time to phaser range?" Captain Picard asked.
> "15 seconds to ours and 13 to thiers," Worf replied.
Tom: Hey! Above they had a shorter firing range than the Enterprise!
Mike: Yes, but they're closing the gap between them faster than the
Enterprise is.
Tom: Oh. Huh?
> "Target and fire on my mark," Captain Picard ordered. "Open
>hailing fequencies. Bres Vessel this is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the
>Federation Starship Enterprise.
Crow: And you're not.
> Cut your engines, ease fire and
>perpare to be boarded. If you do not do so in the next 10 seconds we
>will open fire. Please respond."
Tom: Pretty please, with sugar and whipped cream on top.
> "Never," was the Bres response as they lanched more torpedoes.
> "Open fier, Mr. WOrf, and disable all weapons and engines,"
>Captain Picard said.
> Four time phasers beams launched out
Mike: Four starships fell. The Bres and the Enterprise missed each other
but they shot that galaxy to hell.
> at the Bres vessel,
>hitting its engines and weapons pods.
Tom: I thought we weren't allowing Omnimechs.
> "Engines disabled and weapons
>off line ," Worf replied. "They are hailing us."
> "On screen," Marrissa said. "Bres vessel this is Captain
>Marrissa Picard in command of all Starfleet vessels assisting in the
>withdrawl from Sobnia of the Bres and Troac."
> "This is Captain Evisserga
Crow: Boy, he sure is A-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E.
Tom: If I see one more anagram, I'll scream.
Mike: Shouldn't that be aggressive?
Crow: Probably, but Ratliff can't spell forward, much less backwards.
> of the Bres Vessel Miloslovac," a
>dark haired man with a puckered scar
Tom: "Puckered scar?"
Mike: Argh, I had me a nasty accident with a lemon wedge once, matey.
> running down his face said.
> "Captain Evisserga since you chose to violate article 2 section
>3 subsection 3
Crow: Paragraph 5, sentence 2, word 12, letter 4.
> of the tready by opening fire on a Starfleet vessel,
>firing toward the Troac...," Marrissa began.
> "We didn't hit them," the Commander of the Miloslovac said.
Mike: Well, I guess that makes it all right. [pause] What?!
> "That doesn't matter," Marrissa continued. "According to
>article 2 section 4 subsection 2 of the tready, as commander of the
>Starfleet vessel overseeing the withdrawl, I may do as I see fit with
>wyour vessel for the remaining time left in the withdrawal plus 8
>hours."
> "You can't do that," the commander replied.
Crow: No fair! You're just making that up!
> "Of coarse I can I wrote the tready, I should know what I can
>and can't do," Marrissa said. "Worf come down here."
Tom: [Marrissa] Heel, boy, heel. Good boy.
> The Klingon came down to stand by Marrissa. "This is your new
>commanding officer," Marrissa said. "He will arrive within a half
>hour." Captain Evisserga fainted. "Enterprise out."
Tom: Oh. So with the turn of a phrase, the entire ship becomes faithful
to Marrissa.
Mike: Try to look past the holes, Tom.
[Commercials]
>
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/=====CHAPTER=FOURTEEN=======
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Fleet Commander's Log
>STARDATE 48135.46
>Captain Marrissa Picard recoarding
>
> We are entering day three of our evaucuation of Bres and Troac
>troops from Sobnia. Aprroxamently 60 % of the 3 million soldiers
Tom: Account for around half of the 3 million soldiers.
> have
>been transported from the planets surface. Under the terms of the
>tready all soldiers and property of teh respective goverments must be
>of Sobnia within the next 4 days.
Crow: Or they'll have to pay an extra half month's worth of rent.
> Personnel Note :
Mike: C sharp.
> Lieutenant Helms, Chief of security on the
>Hood has been relieved of duty, pending court-martial, for failure to
>obey the orders of a commanding officer.
Crow: And calling me a "chick."
> The courtmarial will be held
>tomarrow afternoon, Luietenant Worf, Lt. Commander La Forge and
>Luietenant Ogawa will serve on the board.
> I am beaming over to the Independence to assist my former first
>officer and his family in moving in.
Tom: [Marrissa] I just hope they don't expect me to do any heavy
lifting.
>
> Marrissa was helping Jay organize is new room on the
>Independence,
Crow: [Marrissa] Have you no taste? Put the lamp on the end table by the
sofa and the potted plant over there.
> when her communicator. chirped, "Lieutenant Sutter to
>Captain Marrissa Picard."
> "Marrissa here, go ahead Clara."
> "The Bres Overjaras position you had trouble with is refusing
>to leave," Clara replied. "The Independence is the ship in orbit for
>the next 15 minutes until the Enterprise arrives."
> "I'll lead an away team down," Marrissa said. "Marrissa out.
>Computer location of Chief of Security?"
> "Luietenant Stover is in the Armoury, deck 5 section 12."
> "Captain Marrissa Picard to Bridge, delay departure untill I
>transport down." Marrissa ordered. "Jay meet me in transporter room
>3."
> Marrissa exited the room followed by the 10 year-old acting
>Luientenant Commander. She turned left, he right.
Crow: Marrissa joined a radical feminist underground while Jay hooked up
with the Christian Coalition.
>
> The door to the armoury was locked but that was not a problem
>for the 12 and half year old Captain. "Computer reconize Picard,
Mike: [computer] Hey, I know you!
>Captain Marrissa Amber, Mission Commander; code Tchychosky one eight
>one two,"
Crow: How pathetique.
> Marrissa said, " and open armoury doors."
> "Indentity of Captain Marrissa Picard confirmed," the Computer
>intoned. Marrissa entered. The Chief of Security was checking the
>phasers
Tom: Hmm. Yep, it's a phaser. Next. Hmm. Yep, it's a phaser. Next...
> with the assistance of two ensigns.
> "Luietenant Stover," Marrissa said. She got nothing more out
>ans Stover quickly pinned her to the wall knocking her breath out.
Mike: [Stover] Now for the frisking!
> "You are under arrest for entering a restricked area without
>authorization," Stover said.
> "Lieutenant," Marrissa wheezed,
Tom: [Marrissa] I need my...pant...inhaler...now!
> getting her breath back, "If
>you don't want to be court-martialed for assulting your commanding
>officer you better ease off." Stover roughly turned Marrissa aroung
>pinning her face up against the wall.
Mike: [Stover] So, young lady...ever read Justine?
> "Oh well, don't say I didn't
>warn you at your court-martial. Computer note in log, as Fleet
>Commander, Captian Marrissa Amber Picard has relieved Lieutenant Stover
>of the Independence of duty pending court-martial.
Crow: [computer] Okie-doke.
> Notify the
>assistant Security chief of his possition as acting security chief and
>have him report with three other security officers to transporter room
>three."
Tom: So, if she could have contacted him by communicator, why'd she have
to go down to the armory for this fellow?
> "Notation is made as follows," the Computer responded.
>"Lieutenant Stover is relieved of duty pending courtmarial. Lieutenant
>junior grade Stockton has been informed of his new possition and
>orders."
> "Ensigns take the Lieutenant to his quarters and confine him
>there," Marrissa ordered, still pinned to the wall.
Crow: Strangely enough, Marrissa found that she _liked_ having men rough
her up.
Mike: Watch it, Crow.
> At first Stover yielded to the Ensigns allowing them to pull
>him off Marrissa.
Tom: Oh wow.
Mike: That goes for you too.
> However has they neared the door he knocked the
>ensigns into Marrissa behind them, creating a pile of tangled bodies on
>the floor.
Crow: Like a Twister game of the damned.
> While they were impeded he shot off down the cooridor.
Mike: My name's Wally West. I'm the fastest man alive.
> When Marrrissa had freed herself Lieutenant Stover was no where
>to be seen. "Captain Marrissa Picard to Captain Morris," She said.
Crow: [singing] She said, "I know what it's like to be dead..."
> "Morris here."
> "Lieutenant Stover has assulted me and has been relieved of
>duty," Marrissa said.
Mike: [Marrissa] He beat me up and snicker snagged on me.
> "He has escaped arrest. Please handle his
>confinement to the brig."
> "Aye, sir. Morris out."
>
Tom: Well, that was an utterly pointless interlude.
> Marrissa Picard entered the transporter room to find Jay
Mike: Sprawled on the floor, victim of a twisted sacrificial rite.
>recording a reprimand on the transporter cheif's record. "objected to
>the orders of a ranking officer."
> "Doesn't anyone look at the rank pins on the uniform?" Marrissa
>asked.
Crow: Most people have the sense to realize that twelve year olds
shouldn't be commanding a starship.
> "I assume your trip was eventful," Jay said. "The transporter
>chief refused to set my coordinates. In fact he said, 'Why don't you
>do it yourself.'"
Mike: [Jay] So I shot the punk.
> "We will have to talk to Captain Morris concerning this
>officer's fitness to be on a Galaxy Class starship," Marrissa said.
Tom: I'd be more interested in questioning the author's fitness.
>"In any case he will be reporting to Lieutenant Commander Morgan Gordon
>for disciplinary action."
Mike: [Gordon] Now where'd I put my cane?
> "I hope Dad doesn't think Jefferies tub 53 needs cleaning," Jay
>replied.
Crow: Not Jefferies tube 53! You monster!
Mike: What's Jefferies tube 53?
Crow: I don't know.
> "You gave yor disciplinary list to your father!" Marrissa
>exclaimed. "You will have the whole ship hating your father."
Tom: [Jay] Yes. I'm using him as a puppet to hide my control of the
ship.
Mike: Marrissa has quite an underground developed.
> "Yes but the Independence will have the cleanest jefferies
>tubes in the fleet," Jay replied. Four security officers entered the
>room. "It looks like the rest of our team has arrived."
> "Gentlemen, I am Captain Marrissa Picard, Mission Commmander,"
>the blond haired girl with the captain's pips said.
Mike: After six fanfics, Ratliff tries "show don't tell."
> "In order to avoid
>confusion please refer to me as Marrissa.
Tom: Or Cap'n Hotlips.
> We will be beaming down in
>order to convice a Bres officer to allow himself and his command to
>leave Sobnia. Colonel Elbourt and I have had a previous encounter,
Crow: But that was a long time ago, and I'm not the naive young girl I
once was.
> but
>has yet to figure out my rank. The Enterprise will be providing back
>up. Set phasers on stun and be perpared to use them."
All: [singing] We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to
kill...
>
> The away team beamed down a short way from the camp. Marrissa
>took a deep breath of the cool mountain air.
Mike: [inhales] Aaaah! Smells like Pittsburgh!
> She took in the view of
>the red roofed town of Overjaras and the snowcapped mountains beyond
>it. Then she lead the team into the camp.
> Colonel Elbourt emerged from a tent as the away team arrived.
>"What are you doing here," he asked.
Tom: Why didn't you tell me you were coming! This place is a mess!
> "You aren't making me happy again," Marrissa stated.
>"According to my schedule you should have left an hour ago on th Hood."
> "Why should I make you happy?" Elbourt said.
Mike: Everybody's got the right to be happy.
> "You are just a
>little girl. Why does Starfleet persist in sending junior officers
>down to me?"
> "Would you rather Admiral Okie deal with you?" Marrissa asked.
>"He is my direct superior,
Crow: What's that make Marrissa?
Tom: Erie.
> but I don't think he can get here so quickly
>so you just have to put up with me, a measly Captain."
> Elbourt was suprised. "So that was the reason for number one,"
>he said.
Tom: What? I--it--number one what? I'm so confused...
Mike: Join the author.
> "Now will you leave Sobnia now?" Marrissa asked.
> "NO."
> "Marrisssa," Jay said from where he had wander over by the
>cliff's edge.
> "What is it Jay?" Marrissa asked.
Crow: [Jay] I'm going to jump. This fanfic's been too much for me.
> "I believe the Colonel will be in trouble wif he doesn't leave
>by the evaucaution's end," Jay said.
> "Why is that?" Marrissa returned.
Tom: Like a bad penny, Marrissa keeps showing up.
> "There are about ten thousand Sobnian troops down there," Jay
>replied.
Crow: Definitely. Definitely ten thousand soldiers. I'm a very good
driver.
> "Oh, yes, anyone left behind may be dealt with as the Sobnian
>Government pleases," Marrissa quoted the tready.
Mike: No fair! You're making it up again!
Tom: Am not!
Mike: Are too!
> "And they won't even have weapons to use," Jay said. "All Bres
>Government material wukk
All: WUKK?!
> be removed."
> "That includes there clothing doesn't it," Marrissa said.
>Marrissa to Enterprise. "
Mike: Uh...
Tom: I'm not sure I want to see this.
Crow: I do.
> "Enterprise here," Captain Picard said.
> "Dad have the transproter room start removing all Bres
>Government materail from this camp," Marrissa said. "Start with the
>weapons and work your way down to the Colonel's underwear."
Crow: Man, that Marrissa has a mean streak a galaxy wide.
Mike: Absolute power...
> "We can't transport them against thier will," Captain Jean-Luc
>Picard reminded Marrissa.
Mike: The transporters work off of free volition, I see.
> "We aren't, we are following th Bres Government's request to
>retrieve their propertity from Sobnia," Marrissa said. "You have your
>orders."
Tom: [Marrissa] Disagree with me again, pops, and you'll be running
garbage scows along the Neutral Zone for the next millennium.
> As Marrissa closed the channel the Bres weapons began
>disapearing. "You will not stop us," Elbourt said. Then the tent
>disappeared. "We will fight with our fists if necessary," he continued
>a little less sure.
Mike: It is better to die on one's feet than live on one's knees!
> "Will you fight nude in 2 degree C weather?" Jay asked as
>Elbourt's coat disappeared.
> As his pants disappeared Elbourt finally caved in,
All: Ewww!
> "All right,
>I give up, take me away from this planet."
Crow: Calgon, take me away!
> "Marrissa to Enterprise. Elbourt finally gave in. Beam him up
>and have his clothes ready," the young Captain ordered.
>
>. _____
>. __...---'-----'---...__
>. _===============================
>. ,----------------._/' '---..._______...---'
>.(_______________||_) . . ,--'
>. / /.---' '/
>. '--------_- - - - - _/======EPILOGUE==============
>. '--------' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mike: It's almost over, fellas.
>
> Captain Picard was in his ready room when Commander Riker
>entered. "You called, Captain," Riker said.
> "Yes Will, sit down," Captain Picard said. "I jsut recieved an
>order from Admiral Okie.
Crow: [Picard] He wants Marrissa "taken care of."
> He has given me a week to promote Marrissa."
> "And?" Riker prompted after a moment.
> "I am thinking of loging
Tom: An icepick in her skull.
> an objection," Captain Picard stated.
> "Why?"
> "It's too soon," Captain Picard said. "She is too young. She
>lacks expeince."
Mike: This _after_ they promote her to Queen of the Universe.
> "All those are subjective, Captain. She has served the minumum
>time as Ensign."
Crow: She's up for parole.
> "By God Will, if this goes on she will meet the goal on that
>rediculous T-shirt she wears off-duty."
Mike: I'm with Baldy?
> "'Captain by 25.' It's good to have goals.
Tom: An injured animal of that size is not good.
> I think she will
>make a great one."
> "Someday, I agree. but not if whe promote her too fast."
Mike: Quit protecting Marrissa. You need to let her go. If she comes
back, she's yours. If she dies in a freak plasma vent accident, so much
the better.
> "Then may I suggest an evaluation by Data, and a 24-hour wait
>before any further action."
> "That sounds like a good idea, but Marrissa better not find out
>about any of this."
Crow: [Picard] Or she'll have me eliminated.
>
> Later that day, Data entered the Ready Room with his evauation.
> "Data your results please," Picard said.
Tom: [Data] She did ok in the bathing suit competition, but didn't fare
so well in the talent portion.
> "Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard," Data began, "Has never been
>late to duty. She holds more commendations than any other ensign on
>board.
Crow: She has a secret police force that is feared on both sides of the
former iron curtain.
> Her peers are of the opinon that she should have more.
>Counselor Troi is of the opinon that Marrissa doesn't share this view.
>She holds the record time in both the Kobayshi Maru and Sulu's Space
>Cadet
Mike: Sulu's Space Cadet, now for Macintosh!
> for helm training. Is their any thing else you wish to know?"
> "No, Data," Captain Picard said. "You are dismissed.
>
> As soon as Data left a limping Klingon entered. "Captain,"
>Worf said collapsing into the chair in front of the Captain.
Tom: [Worf] I broke both my legs. I figured the doctor would be here.
> Ingrossed in his work Captain Picard did not look up as he
>said," Yes Worf."
> "I request that a certain young Ensign be assigned to
>security," Worf said. "She just beat me in a bat'leth match."
Crow: Gosh. I wonder if it is Marrissa?
> "Doctor Crusher to Captain Picard."
Mike: [Picard] I told you never to call me at work!!
> "Go ahead, Doctor."
> "Is Worf up there?"
> "Yes, he is," Picard replied.
> "Don't let him leave," Crusher responed. "I'm on my way up."
> Captain Picard finallu took a good look at grimacing Klingon.
>"Worf what happened to you?" he asked slowly.
Tom: [Worf] I didn't have the money I owed Riker from poker, and he sent
some goons to collect in blood.
> "A young ensign challenged me to a bat'leth match after beating
>several other officers,"
Mike: With a sledge hammer.
> Worf said. "She made me over extend myself
>and I twisted my ankle. Continueing, She made me do it agian with my
>other ankle, forcing me to the ground."
Crow: [Worf] I'm real stupid that way.
> The door chimed. "Come," Picard said.
> Doctor Crusher entered. "So this is Marrissa's fourth victim,"
>she said scaning him with a tricorder.
Tom: [Crusher] I found two others in the cargo bay with butterflies in
their mouths.
> "Broken right ankle, twisted
>left. both aggravated by use -- just like the others.
Crow: It's official. She's a serial killer.
> Next time come
>directly to Sickbay instead of going by way of your office, your
>quarters and the Captain's ready room."
> "Worf why didn't you tell me it was Marrissa?" the Captain
>asked.
Tom: [Worf] It was supposed to be a secret.
> "Commander Riker has issued orders to all ranking below him not
>to say her name to you in less prompted," Worf replied.
Crow: I--but--it's just that--why? Why, why, why? It doesn't make any
sense... [begins to weep openly]
Mike: Hang in there, Crow. Just a few more pages.
> "The Doctor
>has senority."
Mike: Over Riker? Since when?
>
> Later that night Captain Picard arrived at the Poker Game in
>Riker's Quarters. Counselor Troi, Geordi LaForge and of coarse
>Commander Riker were already there.
> "So Commander, who is the young lady you are hiding in your
>bedroom," LaForge asked.
All: AAAAAAHHH!
Tom: Ratliff's fantasies bubble up out of his unconscious in the most
disturbing way possible.
> "Shame on you for insunuating such a thing," Commander Riker
>said. "You know It's just the Junior Officeer's champ. She asked to
>use my termail while awaiting your arrival. Come in Ensign."
> Marrissa Picard entered the room in her red duty uniform. This
>was unsual for her as she usaully wore a T-shirt and skirt when off-
>duty.
Mike: A short skirt which showed off her well-formed calves; her skin
tanned to a deep bronze, almost the color of her long, flowing hair.
Tom: This fanfic has finally snapped your mind, hasn't it, Nelson?
> "Hello Couselor, Commanders, Dad," She said.
> "Marrissa what are you doing here," Captain Picard, her adopted
>father
Mike: Thanks for reminding us, Stephen. I almost forgot.
> asked, turning toward her.
> "You suggested that I should learn poker," Marrissa said.
>"It's been quite profitable."
Crow: [Marrissa] Today I learned everything there is to know about poker
and the day before, Klingon martial arts. Tomorrow I'm going to learn
brain surgery.
> "How profitable?" Geordi asked, trying to size up Marrissa.
All: Boo!!
Tom: So, somewhere between Cadet Cruise and this fanfic did Ratliff
finally hit puberty?
> "You will have to find out that for youself," Marrissa replied.
> "If you are ready the game is ..." Riker began.
Mike: Third prime card poker. One eyed jacks and perfect squares wild.
Tom: Where'd you learn to play?
Mike: At Math Club.
> At the end of the evening Marrissa had split the take between
>herself and her father.
>
> The next morning Commander Riker found Captain Picard in the
>Observation Lounge.
Tom: He was drinking in the sights.
> "Have you made a decision on Marrissa's
>promotion?" Riker asked.
> Motioning toward a pip in front of a chair with a smaller that
>usaul Class C uniform drapped over it, he said, "I have Number One."
Mike: By John Dos Passos.
Crow: You know, it took me forever to find all of the USA trilogy.
> "You are promoting her and transfering her to security," Riker
>guessed.
> "No the uniform is for Clara Sutter," Captain Picard said.
Tom: Then why did you motion towards it?
> "LaForge wanted her to assist him in engineering on a regular
>basis after seeing her work. In order to do so she needs access we
>can't give her without a rank. Besides Commander, the uniform is much
>to small for Marrissa."
Mike: Says Ratliff, who has her dimensions memorized.
Crow: This fanfic makes me feel dirty all over.
> "Then lets call them in," Riker said.
> "Marrissa is bringing Clara here any minute now on the pretense
>of a birthday present,"
Crow: When she comes through the door, we jump her and take her lunch
money.
> Captain Picard said. "I'm sure Clara doesn't
>expect a position in Starfleet for her eleventh birthday."
Tom: Oh, so ranks aren't given out due to skill, but as presents. That's
one step above nepotism.
> The door
>chimed. "Come."
> Marrissa entered in uniform followed by Clara Sutter in a pale
>peach dress. "Reporting as ordered, Captain, Commander."
> "Ensign Marrissa Amber Picard, Clarrissa Sutter, your deads on
>this ship have been brought to my attention
Mike: [Picard] I'm arresting you for the murders of 27 crew members.
> by varoius Starfleet
>Officers and members of the crew," Captain Jean-Luc Picard began.
>"Therefore the following rewards are dispensed on you."
> "Clarrissa Sutter, you are hereby given the rank of acting-
>ensign and assigned as a consultant
Tom: A color consultant?
> to Commander LaForge," Picard
>continuted. "As Starfleet has ordered that all personnell,
Crow: The extra l is for extra Lame.
> acting or
>otherwise have a uniform here is yours, Commander."
Mike: [Riker] Uh, sir, I already have one.
> Commander Riker handed the blushing dark haired girl her
>uniform. "Thank you, Captain," she said.
> "Report to LaForge at 1000 hours," Picard replied. "Ensign
>Marrissa Amber Picard, you are hereby promoted to Lieutenant junior
>grade." The Captain picked up the pip and pinned it to his daughter's
>collar.
Tom: [Marrissa] Aaaaaaaooooouuuch! My neck!
Mike: [Picard] Sorry. I didn't--oh man, there's blood. Geez--it's all
over! What'd I do? Hit an artery?
> "Congraduations."
> Marrissa then proceeded to hug her expressionless adopted
>father.
Tom: [Picard] Must not emote. Must not emote.
> "Thank you Dad," she said.
>
> And so the Enterprise warped off to its next distination with
>young Lieutenant junoir grade Marrissa Picard at the helm. As for what
>the future holds for her only the stars knew.
Crow: Call the Psychic Friends Network at 1-900-CRAKPOT.
>
> T H E E N D
Tom: Thank God.
Crow: Hey! I thought she was supposed to die or something!
Mike: [exiting] Maybe next time.
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
Mike: Well boys, we made it through another Ratliff fanfic in one piece.
What do you boys think?
Tom: You remember my Ratliff Admiration Society?
Mike: Yes.
Tom: You remember Crow's and my Marrissa cult?
Mike: Yes.
Tom: We were wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. Four as an approximation
of pi wrong. The earth is flat wrong. The rationale behind a second Ace
Ventura movie wrong.
Crow: Whoa there, Tommy. Not _that_ wrong.
Tom: Well, almost.
Mike: What do you think, sir?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: [smug] What did you think of _that,_ mother?
Mrs. F: That was truly evil, Clayton. Maybe you're not the pathetic
failure I thought you were.
Dr. F: Why, thank you...mother...uh...I think.
[Looks confused for a moment, then pushes the button]
\ | /
\|/
---0---
/|\
/ | \
fwshhhh
Dr. F: Hey!
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and
merchandise are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. Ode to Ratliff, whose
first verse was quoted above (a little bit), was penned (typed?) by
ikaros. This MSTing is not authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone.
It is not intended as an attack on anyone's beliefs. This article may be
freely distributed as long as this notice remains intact.
MiSTed by Chris Mayfield, camfield@iastate.edu. Comments welcome.
>I personally will be medaite the dispute between the parties of Bresa,
>Troac, and Sobnia."
> "They must be really despurt," Dr. Johnson said.
Back to my MST3K <mst3k.html> page.
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