The Walls Of Jellico
[Season 9 Opening]
[SOL - Mike and Servo are at the console, each reading from a sheaf of
papers in front of them]
MIKE: "It Takes Two"
SERVO: Yep.
MIKE: "Summer School"
SERVO: Yep.
MIKE: "Nevada"
SERVO: Hmmmmm. No, I don't - oh, wait, it's under new releases.
MIKE: Well, that's all of those, then. [Looks up] Oh, hi everyone. Mike
Nelson here on the old Satellite of Love. I'm just helping Tom
Servo double-check his list of actors and their movie roles. Even
though he *could* just break down and use the IMDb.
SERVO: Oh, like *they're* 100% reliable!
MIKE: Anyway, we just got through checking his entries for Kirstie Alley,
and so far everything seems to be okay. Who's next, then?
SERVO: Maria Conchita Alonso - grrrrowf!
MIKE: Okay, let's see - "Moscow on the-
[Crow rushes in from offstage. He's wearing a big rainbow colored wig and
is holding a sign reading "John 3:16"]
CROW: Go team go! Go team go! Go team go!
MIKE: Crow?
SERVO: [muttering] Now what?
CROW: C'mon, Mike, Servo, let's do the wave! Woohoo!
MIKE: Well, I know I'm going to regret asking this, Crow, but what are you
doing?
CROW: I'm a fan, Mike!
SERVO: A what?
CROW: I'm a football fan, ya big dip! Wooo!!! John 3:16! Hi, mom!
MIKE: I didn't even know you liked football, Crow.
CROW: Actually, I don't much care for the game itself. But I was watching
some old game tapes, and there was this guy in a lot of them, and he
was wearing this wig and get-up, and holding up this sign, and he
just had such an air of joie de vivre, I figured that was the life
for me! Wooooooooo!!!!!
SERVO: So you're going to be a psychopath, then?
CROW: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Block that kick! I'm gonna be a psych- huh?!?
SERVO: Crow, the guy you're trying to emulate eventually holed up in a
motel room somewhere and took hostages.
CROW: Really?
SERVO: Yup.
CROW: Oh. Well, I, uh, I don't guess I have to -
MIKE: And do you know anything about the sign you're holding?
CROW: Ummmmm - [pause] I thought it was the guy's area code.
MIKE: It's a Bible verse, Crow - one of the most famous in the whole Book.
In fact, it's a profound statement of God's love for us, and of
what our love should be - the willingness to sacrifice.
CROW: Oh.
CROW: But if you want to continue to devalue it into a meaningless sports
cliché, well, hey - that's your decision.
CROW: [dejected] Geez, just take all the fun out of it why doncha? [Crow
wanders off. Lights flash]
MIKE: We'll be right back. [hits button]
SERVO: I didn't know you were a theologian.
MIKE: Don't start. Now where were we? "Moscow on the Hudson"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: "The Running Man"?
SERVO: Check.
[Mike & Tom continue under meatball to commercials]
[Ads for psychics, colas, psychics, cars, psychics, various prescription
medications, psychics, spam, sausage, baked beans, spam and psychics]
[SOL - Mike & Servo are still at it]
MIKE: "Flying Down to Rio"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: "The Bandwagon"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: "On the Beach"?
SERVO: Check.
MIKE: And don't forget his posthumous carpet sweeper commercials.
SERVO: Oh, ha-ha, very funny!
[Crow re-enters. He now has a large plastic pig on top of his head]
CROW: Hey, guys.
SERVO: Ummmm, Crow, you, uh, you *do* know you have a hog on your head?
CROW: Well, after you two showed me the error of my ways, I went looking
for another sports fan role model. And do you know who I saw
wearing one of these at a football game? No less than the President
of the United States himself!
MIKE: Ah.
CROW: Ha! Argue your way out of that! [Lights flash again]
MIKE: Um, first, let's see just what the Hole in the Wall Gang are up to.
[hits button]
[CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl, Bobo & Observer, all sporting sunglasses, are
talking to Ortega. Pearl is wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the words
"Hialeah or Bust". Bobo is carrying a picnic basket, a beer cooler, and
three pair of binoculars. Ortega is holding what looks like a gorilla doll.]
PEARL: And if the toilet in the front part of the castle starts making that
funny squealing noise, just jiggle the handle a couple of times. If
that doesn't work, use the voodoo doll I gave you.
ORTEGA: hmrmumhmrnhmrn
PEARL: No, it won't actually help, but tormenting Bobo always makes me feel
better. Go on, try it.
[Ortega jabs the gorilla in the tummy. Bobo drops the basket & cooler]
BOBO: [Clutching stomach] Oooof! Oh drat, the peritonitis is kicking up
again! Owowowowow!
[Pearl and Observer laugh heartily at this, while Ortega just stares.
Suddenly, Pearl notices Mike & the bots]
PEARL: Oh, hey, Nerdson - Art - Fireplug. Sorry, can't really chat, we're
about to take off. Lemme tell ya, being a sadistic would-be world
conqueror really takes it outta ya, so I'm taking Bobo & Brain Guy
here out for a weekend playing the ponies.
BOBO: I love Shetlands!
PEARL: Oh, pipe down and keep rounding up those corn nuts! I'd ask you to
come with, Mike, but seeing as how you're still stuck on that dreary
little satellite, I don't think it'd do much good.
OBSERVER: I hate to rush, Pearl, but the betting window closes in, let's
see, one minute.
PEARL: Right. Anyway, Ortega's castlesitting for me while I'm gone - so
don't give him any grief, capish? Oh, and just so you don't get too
bored in our absence, Ortega will be sending you a little something
to keep you entertained. Booboo, have you gotten it together yet?!
BOBO: [frantically juggling basket, cooler & binoculars] Oh, sure thing,
lawgiver. I'm a balancer extrordinaire from way back!
PEARL: Yeah, fine, whatever, let's get this show on the road! Tata,
suckers. Brain Guy?
[Observer starts to do that little thing he does. Unfortunately, just
before the group pops out, Bobo loses his battle with gravity and crashes
into Observer. The *pop* as they dematerialize sounds distorted and uneven]
[SOL]
SERVO: Great! Pearl bails out and we get stuck with the tab!
CROW: Hey, Ortega, are you sure you have to send us Pearl's little smell
blossom?
[CF]
ORTEGA: hmrmhhhmmrnhthmrnhmm
[SOL]
MIKE: Yeah, Pearl *is* a little intimidating, we know, but - if you could
just see your way clear -
[CF]
ORTEGA: mmrmuhmrnuvmmulhnhmmurm
[SOL]
SERVO: [sadly] Yeah - yeah, I see your point.
[CF]
ORTEGA: rnmhmrnuumlvrrrumumumhhhuimwern
[SoL]
CROW: No, no, we don't blame you *personally*, Ortega. So, just go ahead,
and do what you've gotta do.
MIKE: Yeah, we understand. Oh, hey, what's on the menu for today?
[CF]
ORTEGA: wmlrmmhummhumrenlvmmmlulrinwwllw
[SoL]
MIKE: "The Walls of Jellico"?
CROW: By *Stephen Ratliff*?
SERVO: Aw, terrific! This is gonna sting!
[CF]
ORTEGA: nlmnnurmlirvnfmlofm
[SoL - All are laughing]
CROW: Aw, man, Ortega, you've got a way with words, buddy!
SERVO: Yeah, you always know the right thing to say!
[Lights Flash]
ALL: OH NO - WE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!!!!!
CROW: Sooooooooooooooooooo-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
[6] {5} (4) -3- +2+ o
[All enter]
SERVO: Boy, that Ortega - what a card!
MIKE: [removing Crow's pig-hat] Yeah, but after him - the deluge!
>From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Subject: NEW TNG "The Walls of Jellico" 1/5 (Marrissa Stories)
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Date: 5 Feb 1998 03:02:13 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
MIKE: Are you two done yet?
CROW: Almost
>Lines: 116
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAA-
SERVO: Wait, that's not too bad
CROW: It's part one
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
SERVO: Okay, *now* we're done
>Message-ID: <6bba3l$2f2@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: atilla.cs.runet.edu
CROW: [Mild British Voice] Yes, that's right, Mr. A.T. Hun
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Status: N
>
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
CROW: So is this going to be a peek inside the wacky world of consumer
gelatin?
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories.
>Part: 1/5
>
>Author's Forward
SERVO: I don't know about that. He's always seemed rather reserved to me.
MIKE: Well, if he's *too* forward, just slap his face and walk away.
CROW: Speaking from personal experience, there, Mikey?
>
>How many does this make?
SERVO: Too many.
> 17? Geez I'm been hear a long time.
MIKE: Thanks to his new BellTone© Hearing Aid.
> My first
>story, Enterprized
[All recoil in horror]
> was posted here on ASC back on November 14, 1993.
SERVO: A day that will live in infamy.
>I think I've improved since then.
CROW: Relatively speaking, maybe!
MIKE: Well, in retrospect, we've come a long way since Enterprized...
CROW: Still, it's all rather like putting a fresh coat of paint on
Chernobyl.
SERVO: [sotto voce] Destoryed.
CROW: Okay, I'll admit that he's better at that now.
>
>I wrote "The Walls of Jellico" after trying to come up with problems
>that Marrissa could see herself as causing.
SERVO: We could tell you about a few of those, pal.
CROW: [Dr. Smith] Oh, the pain!
> One of the biggest
>weeknesses of the Marrissa Stories has always been
MIKE: The spelling?
CROW: And my prior concession is proven wrong. Thanks, Stephen.
> that Marrissa seems
>to be all powerful
SERVO: Seems to be?
CROW: That's like saying that the sun appears to be a big ball of plasma.
> and never is wrong, or even thinks she's wrong.
MIKE: You mean Marrissa's unbridled megalomania? Gee, we never noticed
that. You guys know what he's talking about?
SERVO: Nope. Haven't the foggiest idea.
CROW: The opinions of many MORE than her make up for that.
>This, I hope, will change that.
MIKE: But it probably won't.
SERVO: Does that mean he's gonna KILL her?
MIKE: Don't get your hopes up.
CROW: This can't be a Ratliff story. That Tounts guy must be writing
another one.
>
>Stephen Ratliff
MIKE: The name which has driven many a better man to tears.
CROW: Ratliff *did* write this?
SERVO: Mike, has Judgement Day started?
MIKE: I just don't know.
>
>
>This Story is dedicated to:
SERVO: Robert Heinlein, Erika Flores, and my bookie, Bruno "No-Nose"
Tataglia, who gave me Duke and 50 points.
>
> Michael R. White,
> English Masters Student at RU and a
> Good Friend.
CROW: [Ratliff] Just don't tell him I dragged his name through this sorry
fanfic.
>
> and the newsgroup:
MIKE: allt.phan.myspeelings
>
> rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
> These fans of a show that makes fun of Bad Movies
> on the Sci-Fi Channell
CROW: Proud home of more "Bionic Woman" and "Incredible Hulk" reruns than
you can shake a stick at!
> have made my work a lot better
> by putting it though their MSTing treatment.
MIKE: Hey, whoever you are, whatever you're doing's not working!
SERVO: Yeah, stop it already, you're killing us!
> I just
> feel sorry for Mike, Tom Servo, and Crow.
SERVO: Yeah, we do t-
[longish pause]
CROW: Um, guys, I'm getting that weird "Twilight Zone"-y feeling!
> After all
> they have to put up with my many mistakes.
SERVO: I think this is a journey of self-discovery, and Stephen is my
spirit guide!
CROW: I think this is a dream, hoax, or imaginary story!
MIKE: I think I just don't want to think about the implications of this, so
let's move on!
>
>......................................................................
>
>The Walls of Jellico
SERVO: Came a tumblin' down.
MIKE: Along with our faith in humanity.
> by Stephen Ratliff
>
>Historians Note:
MIKE: Yes, all historians please take note: the Battle of Trafalgar did
*not* take place on dry land.
>This story takes place after "The Only Constant" and occurs during the
>DS9 episode "A Call to Arms"
SERVO: Oh, that's the one where Sisko gets upset.
MIKE: And Quark does something unbelievably avaricious.
CROW: And Jadzia throws herself at that lousy no-good *rotten* *honorless*
EXCUSE FOR A KLINGON!!!
MIKE: I thought you were over that whole Bashir/Dax thing by now.
CROW: Part of me will never be over it, Mike!
>
>Prologue
>
> Lieutenant Henry Jellico stood in front of the First
>Officer's Office on Deck 2.
MIKE: Eating peanuts by the peck.
> The Fighter Commander didn't like
>Lieutenant Commander Picard.
MIKE: He was an excellent judge of character.
SERVO: Finally! A rational character!
CROW: Huzzah!
> In fact he thought that she was a
>tin plated dictator with delusions of godhood.
SERVO: Tell me he also didn't think she should be hauled away as garbage.
CROW: [Scotty] Laddie - don't ye think ye should rephrrrrase thot?
> How the little
>girl had managed to become First Officer at such a young age was
>obviously due to nepotism.
SERVO: Down with all nepots!
MIKE: Of course, it could also happen you're a fictional character and
your author is fond of you, but that's rather unlikely.
Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard must
>have really pulled some strings to get her in the position.
CROW: Too... many... comments... to... make!
MIKE: I don't think Ratliff meant for the sentence to read *quite* that way.
SERVO: Woody Allen *IS* Jean-Luc Picard in "Deconstructing Marrissa"!
> The door opened and Jellico entered the room. "Lieutenant
>Henry Jellico reporting as ordered, sir," he said, stretching out
>the last word with sarcasm.
CROW & SERVO: [Like kids] Marrissa's gonna get in trou-ble! Marrissa's
gonna get in trou-ble!
MIKE: Hold on, guys - don't forget, this *is* a Ratliff story. Any
character who opposes Marrissa invariably gets taken down by the
Big M, so maybe we'd better not celebrate too much until the
story's over.
CROW: [Reluctantly] Well, okay.
> "Sit down," the girl said, in a rather stern tone that
>Jellico had never heard her use before.
SERVO: So, he's been on the ship for what, thirty seconds?
> He sat down in the
>overstuffed chair in front of her desk.
ALL: [whoopee cushion noises]
SERVO: [Jellico] Hllph! Uhm ftug nn thf ftupfd chrr!!!
> Really, such a chair was
>not appropriate for the office of a senior officer on a starship.
SERVO: Officers should have big, puffy couches in their office, like
that bald guy does.
CROW: Henry's a member of Starfleet's crack Flying Interior Decorating
Squad.
> "Take a look at this, Lieutenant, and tell me what it is,"
MIKE: [Jellico] It's a duck in a funny hat playing tennis.
>Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard said, pushing back a stray
>blond strand of hair with one hand as she handed a PADD off a
>rather large stack.
CROW: [Marrissa] Lieutenant - have you ever had that not-so-fresh feeling?
SERVO: Hmm. I didn't know Peter David had two middle names.
MIKE: Huh?
SERVO: Peter David? The author? He's PAD, see and - aw, forget it!
> Jellico glanced at it.
SERVO: [Jellico, reading] "One skirt, two blouses, no starch..."
CROW: [Marrissa] Oh, sorry, that was my laundry list.
> It was a complaint from one of his
>wing commanders that he had thought he had dealt with.
MIKE: [Jellico] I knew I should've killed that guy!
CROW: After all, some of his friends are *Vulcans*.
> "It's a
>complaint,"
SERVO: [Jellico] Just some whiner moaning because I made him work two
double shifts in a row. What a crybaby.
> he replied tossing it back on the desk. It clattered
>off the table and on to the floor. Commander Picard made no
>effort to retrieve it.
MIKE: After all, that's what the little people are for.
> "Then you are aware of the complaint," Picard asked.
CROW: [Jellico] Why yes, sir, it's right there on the floor.
> "Lieutenant Grubb had informed me," Jellico dismissed it.
> "Then why are none of these on file," Picard said, gesturing
>at the pile.
MIKE: [Jellico] Uh, my dog ate them, sir.
> "In fact every one of the complaints I have here
>say that they brought it up with you.
SERVO: [Jellico] They're all from the same person! Listen: "Berman's
making me wear some silver Latex outfit! Why can't I get any decent
dialogue? And they're pairing me up with Harry Kim - Gack!!"
> If they were on file,
>telling me what had been done about them, I might have been able
>to tell them something.
MIKE: [Marrissa] I wanted to show off my superhuman powers yet again.
> Instead, when they came to me, as far as
>I knew they hadn't even told you. After a several of these came
>up, I began to see a pattern.
SERVO: [Marrissa] It was a kind of blue-ish tartan on an eggshell print.
> That's why I called you. Do you
>have a good reason for dismissing them?"
CROW: [Jellico] Well, after the third complaint of "Why can't we strafe
the Starbase?" I began to suspect that my flight team's intermix
ratio wasn't quite 1:1, if you catch my drift.
> Jellico just met the young woman's stare as she waited for
>his response.
SERVO: Oooh, a staring contest!
CROW: Eh, Conan always wins those.
> After a while, she continued, "I thought not.
MIKE: Therefore, she was not.
SERVO: If only!
>Lieutenant, I expect the rules and regulations of Star Fleet to
>be followed on this vessel.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Like most middle managers, I'm more concerned about
unquestioning adherence to petty regulations rather than actual
performance.
CROW: Are you suggesting a Dilbert/TNG cross-over?
MIKE: For God's sake, don't even *think* that!
> I've been getting complaints about
>you since you arrived.
SERVO: [Marrissa] You don't bathe, you leave hair clogging the sink, and
you call the directory assistance operator for numbers you can
easily look up in the phone book.
> I dismissed them, because
MIKE: [Marrissa] You paid me a big bribe
> it takes a
>while to get use to a new commander's style and tried to help you
>get used to the quirks of those under your command.
SERVO: Like how Ensign Perkins likes to pick her teeth with a targ bone.
CROW: Or Lt. Dunwitty won't go on an away team without his teddy bear.
MIKE: And some people even initially disliked Marrissa's habit of
yodeling her orders.
> You rejected
>my help, but I understood that you might feel that I was
CROW: A pompous, interfering blowhard.
>interfering with your command, and let up."
> "However," Commander Picard suddenly boomed,
CROW: Wooo-boy, she blowed up good!
SERVO: She blowed up *real* good!
MIKE: Oh yeah. A yelling 15 year old is really impressive.
> then continued
>softer. "I can not and will not let you make a mockery of Star
>Fleet rules and regulations.
MIKE: [Marrissa] I do enough of that myself without some no-name peon like
you trying to get into the act.
CROW: Yeah, especially that pesky little rule about 14 years olds not
commanding starships!
> I don't care if your uncle is
>assistant chief of Star Fleet Operations.
SERVO: What if he's Governor of Mars?
CROW: What if he's Judge Reinhold's Beverly Hills boss?
MIKE: What if he's Ned Beatty's river rafting companion?
> I don't care if
>someone died and made you God.
MIKE: [Marrissa] That someone, of course, would have to be me...
> I expect you to follow the rules
>and regulations of this vessel as long as you are aboard. That
>means that every complaint will be logged and followed up on, no
>matter how small.
SERVO: [Marrissa] It also means you'll be bossed around by psycho
pre-teens wherever you go.
> Understood?"
CROW: [Jellico] Yes. In fact, I'd like to log a complaint right now, sir.
> Jellico nodded, already fantasying his revenge on the royal
>pain.
SERVO: Make sure it involves lots of strawberry juice. Heh-heh-heh.
CROW: Henry Jellico - join us!
ALL: [whispering] Join us. Join us.
> "You can start with these," Picard stated. "I've entered a
>reprimand on your record.
ALL: [muted trumpet] Wah wah wah waaaaaah!
> Dismissed."
SERVO: [muttering] I wish *we* could get dismissed.
MIKE: This must be Marrissa's new kinder and gentler side.
CROW: Yeah, in the olden days, she would have just shot him.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer and
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/index/ Index Maintainer for
>http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ alt.startrek.creative
SERVO: Hey, this is the best part of the story yet!
>
>"The only reason they haven't killed me is that I'm part of their
> victory celebration. 7:00, Dukat makes a speech, 8:30, cake and
> raktagino, 8:45, execute the Ferengi."
CROW: Sounds like a party to me. I'm there, dude!
> -Rom, DS9 "Sacrifice of Angels"
>
>From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG "The Walls of Jellico" 2/? [G] (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: "2 of ?"? Oh no, he's extending it!
CROW & SERVO: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
>Date: 12 Feb 1998 18:55:44 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
MIKE: Have you driven a rad Ford lately?
>Lines: 112
>Message-ID: <6bvgjg$3qj@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: pluto.cs.runet.edu
MIKE: Isn't Pluto the ruler of the Roman Underworld?
SERVO: Appropriately, yes.
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Status: N
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: 2/?
>
>This story is being serialized with weekly posts every Thursday.
CROW: I dunno, I think NBC should have gone with "3rd Rock" instead.
SERVO: Still, this is better than that Seinfled finale!
MIKE: True!
CROW: Absolutely!
>
>Chapter One
>
> The precise Vulcan voice interrupted Commander Picard's
>paperwork, "Commander Picard, please meet me in Sickbay."
CROW: ["Riding with Death" guy] Sorry, Sam, I'm still working on these
patent papers!
>Marrissa had been deeply into the paperwork that came with the
>job of First Officer. She'd take any interruption to delay the
>work. Well not any interruption.
CROW: For example, Ragnarok was right out.
> She wouldn't stop to change
>her new little brother's diapers,
SERVO: Marrissa greatly preferred even the dullest bureaucratic tasks
to actually doing something for somebody else
> but fortunately little Nicholas
>was several hundred light years away on the Enterprise.
MIKE: Sir, your son made a doodle!
SERVO: [Jean-Luc] Set course for Marrissa immediately. Warp Nine! Engage!
> "On my way, Captain," Marrissa said, putting the PADD back
>on the desk and exiting her office below the bridge for Sickbay.
SERVO: Hello, Orkin? We've got an infestation of Marrissas in our
basement. What? No, this isn't Mork! Oh, wrong number? Sorry.
>
> Captain Washington was waiting in Sickbay's lobby. Sickbay
>occupied all of deck 5 on the Stargazer,
MIKE: The *entire* deck?
CROW: Apparently, disease control has taken a turn for the worse in the
25th century.
> so a waiting room was
>devised right by the turbolift to accommodate those who on other
>starships would be standing in the corridor.
MIKE: Ironically, though, it's still filled with copies of "Ladies' Home
Journal" and "Field and Stream" dating back to 1974.
SERVO: So, the other ships in Starfleet just stack their patients in the
corridor?
> The Captain was
>pacing from side to side in the room,
SERVO: She'd tried pacing up and down, but it just didn't work.
> her face scowling most un-
>vulcan like. The half-vulcan was obviously trying to restrain
>the emotions of her mother's side, her human side.
MIKE: Her photogenic side.
CROW: May I suggest a high fiber diet? Works for me.
> "Reporting as ordered, sir," Marrissa said, wondering what
>had caused the emotional expression on her normally impassive
>Captain.
CROW: [Washington] Marrissa! Someone's kidnapped my Beanie Babies! Find
them! Please!
SERVO: I'll bet the mere sight of Marrissa lording it around with her
18 pips would send even the most impassive Vulcan into cardiac
arrest.
> "Have you heard of the accident with Red Wing?" Captain
>T'Gwen Washington asked.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Yeah, I got sauce all down my - oh sorry, I thought you
said *Buffalo* Wing.
MIKE: Didn't Joe Sakic accidentally knee one of their players?
> "No sir," Marrissa said. "I was busy writing up the
>required paper work to get us out of dock."
CROW: [Marrissa] Eventually, I said "the hell with it" and handed the
dockmaster some paper with pictures of Ben Franklin on them to try
and get us out of this stinking hellhole.
> "It seems that all seven of Red Wing's pilots crashed in
>some training mission," Washington replied.
MIKE: [Marrissa] It was a coincidence! I swear!
> "They managed to
>beam back to the Stargazer, and Doctor Johnson is looking over
>them now."
SERVO: They're all burnt to a cinder, but Doctor Johnny Jumpup Jamariquai
says he might be able to upgrade them to just "flame broiled".
> "Do you know where Lieutenant Jellico is?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: Clown College?
> "He's at a dinner at the Admiralty," Captain Washington
>said.
SERVO: [Washington] He's kissing serious butt.
MIKE: They seem to be eating big bowls of grubs, but they said not to
worry about that.
> "We better let him know, it's his command," Marrissa
>responded as Lieutenants Ross Lochard and Virginia Szustakowski
CROW: Monica Lewinsky?
MIKE: Tara Lipinski?
SERVO: Jonathan Lipnicki?
>entered.
CROW: Hi. We're the supporting cast. Just ignore us.
> "What happened to my sister," Virginia asked. "I heard she
>had a training accident."
MIKE: Yeah, but don't mention the carpet stains, okay? She's still a
little embarrassed about it.
> "Her whole wing was involved," Marrissa began
SERVO: So, Virginia's sister is a duck?
CROW: Well, there a lot of adoptions in the Ratliff universe...
> before Doctor
>Johnson entered the lobby, interrupting her.
> "I've stabilized their conditions," Doctor Johnson said.
MIKE: [Johnson] Killed 'em all. Pretty stable, wouldn't you say?
>"Unfortunately, Ensign Brown was dead upon arrival.
CROW: NO!! Not Ensign Brown!!
SERVO: And we had such high hopes for Brown!
MIKE: Hey, Brown's the lucky one in this fanfic.
> Lieutenant
>Lochard is in critical condition, only time will tell there.
SERVO: Wait. Okay, now she's dead, too. Sorry.
>The rest are serious but stable."
MIKE: Well, Ensign Ant's condition is desperate, but not serious.
> "We're going to have to investigate this accident,"
>Washington began, "But I'm afraid that you two are not allowed to
>be on the team." She indicated the Chief of Security and Chief
>Engineer.
SERVO: [whiny] Aw, we *never* get to be on the team!
CROW: [Washington] Naturally, we don't want the expertise of our two most
senior officers to aid in this investigation.
MIKE: Yeah, letting a security chief actually perform an investigation might
set a dangerous precedent.
> "That means that you'll lead the team, Commander
>Picard.
CROW: Wait, don't they have a first officer? That Cardassian guy? I mean,
shouldn't he lead the investigation?
MIKE: Apparently all the other ship's officers jumped overboard
simultaneously!
> Contact the Judge Advocate General's office to see about
>getting an assistant."
> "Aye, sir," Marrissa replied.
CROW: Oh, so they went ahead and created that position of "Despotic Tyrant
for Life, Junior Grade".
SERVO: Once again, we see perfectly competent crew pushed aside for no
good reason in order to make room for Queen Marrissa and her amazing
colossal ego.
>
> Marrissa had put in her request for investigative officers
>to the JAG office. They promised to send her an engineer and a
>JAG officer.
CROW: Oh, I've read about these mail order companies like JAG, and how they
rip you off.
MIKE: Yeah, all Marrissa ever got was a slightly neurotic transporter
technician and a promissory note.
> So she waited in her quarters for the officers to
>arrive,
SERVO: Naturally, large bureaucracies can respond to personnel transfer
requests in a matter or hours.
CROW: Delivery guaranteed within one solar day, or your JAG officer is
free!
> going over reports while serval trusted Transporter
>Officers retrieved the remains and placed them in the Stargazer's
>shuttlebay.
CROW: Personally, I'd've just left them in the morgue, but...
> Marrissa grounded all of the fighters to cover the
>possibility of defective parts, and every craft was now being
>gone over with a fine tooth comb.
SERVO: Soon they were immaculately coifed!
MIKE: Going over them with sensors might be a better choice.
>
> While Marrissa had been a part of several investigative
>teams and led one during her term as Chief of Security of the
>Enterprise, she had never made this type of investigation.
MIKE: But her kangaroo courts and bogus show trials had made her the
terror of Starfleet.
>Her door beeped.
CROW: It was a design flaw in the door. It was supposed to go "blorp."
> "Come," the young lady said.
> Lieutenant Henry Jellico entered, exclaiming, "What is this
>about my fighters being grounded?"
MIKE: Look, they were out past curfew, and they had cigarettes hidden in
their rooms - there was no choice!
> "Lieutenant, did you even listen to the recall message
>Lieutenant Lavelle sent you?" Commander Picard asked.
> "He mumbled something about an accident and told me to
>return to the ship," Jellico replied.
SERVO: [Jellico] I'll tell you, with that Bob Dylan voice modulation
system, I couldn't really understand what they said.
> "And what ever caused this
>recall better have been important, because it's not every day
>that you can go to a dinner at the Admiralty."
SERVO: Yeah, who cares about accidents when you're rubbing elbows with
Starfleet brass?
MIKE: Well, not everyone can win MTV's "Win a Dinner with the Admiralty"
Contest like he did.
CROW: Yeah, he had to listen to 60 hours of Coolio to win that!
> "Lieutenant, before you left, you sent Red Wing on a
>training mission in the asteroid belt, correct?" Picard began.
SERVO: Actually, I sent them on a training mission in the photosphere,
but they seemed hesitant to follow that order.
> "Yes, that's why you called me back, to confirm that I sent
>out a training mission?" Jellico remarked, disgusted.
CROW: [Marrissa] No, I... I... Oh, hell, I love you, Henry! I want you!
Take me, take me now, you Wild Stallion!!
MIKE: Crow, Ratliff's going to take a baseball bat to you for that one.
> "Lieutenant, they had an accident while they were out
>there," Marrissa Picard said. "Ensign Brown is dead.
CROW: [British] Poor Ensign's Brown's dead, and never called me "mother"!
> Lieutenant
>Katherine Lochard is in critical condition. All of the fighter
>craft were destroyed."
SERVO: But thankfully, none were destoryed.
MIKE: You just can't let it alone, can you?
> Jellico's mouth dropped open.
SERVO: [Foghorn Leghorn] Close, ah say, close yore mouth, boy, yore
lettin' flies in!
> His shoulder's slumped and he
>lost his train of thought, Marrissa's remaining words barely
>penetrated the haze which had descended into his brain.
CROW: He'd been reading one of Ratliff's fanfics, too.
> "Captain
>Washington has ordered me to begin an investigation. The Judge
>Advocate General is sending me a legal expert and an expert in
>fighter design so I can figure out what went wrong."
MIKE: They think it all goes back to this Berman guy, but they're not sure.
> Jellico staggered out of the room,
SERVO: The Romulan ale having just kicked in.
> his mind filled with
>questions.
CROW: [Jellico] How many fancy-ass lawyers am I going to have to hire to get
myself out of this one?
> He did not ask for permission to leave, but Marrissa
>understood that.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Poor thing - he's so upset. Maybe I'll just wait until
later to destroy him, when he can appreciate it more.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer and
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/index/ Index Maintainer for
>http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ alt.startrek.creative
>
>"The only reason they haven't killed me is that I'm part of their
> victory celebration. 7:00, Dukat makes a speech, 8:30, cake and
> raktagino, 8:45, execute the Ferengi."
> -Rom, DS9 "Sacrifice of Angels"
MIKE: Unfortunately, the Ferengi execution got trounced in the ratings
by a very special episode of Drew Carey.
>
>From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG The Walls of Jellico 3/5 (Marrissa Stories)
>Date: 21 Feb 1998 18:10:39 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Message-ID: <6cn5av$f92@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: sol.cs.runet.edu
SERVO: I guess that means Stephen's a "sol man", heheheheh.
CROW: I oughta shun you for that.
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Lines: 156
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
SERVO: We're going to have to suffer that pun for the entire story,
aren't we?
MIKE: Well, it *is* the title.
SERVO: And that's supposed to comfort me in my time of need?
CROW: Hey, deal with it, "sol man"!
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: 3/5
>
>Chapter Two
>
> It was some five minutes later that Marrissa was called to
>the transporter room to receive her investigative team.
SERVO: Sign here... here... and here. Thank you.
> She
>wanted to make a good impression on the officers which had to be
>older than her.
CROW: In *this* universe? Don't bet on it!
MIKE: Fortunately, Marrissa knew making a good impression wouldn't be
hard, what with her being infallible and all.
SERVO: Plus, she has good posture.
> It was important that she did so, because even
>though she was First Officer on this vessel, she was only fifteen
>and a half. Commander Picard wanted to be know for her
>professional ability, not her age or even her titles.
[All laugh]
SERVO: Yeah, right!
CROW: Actually, she'd settle for whatever'd get her a date fastest.
> That was
>one of the reasons she had left the Enterprise-E. That and the
>fact that she didn't like the life expectancy of Security
>Officers.
MIKE: Then there was that whole business with Riker and Troi and the
Krazy Glue, but let's not go into that right now.
> Two forms materialized on the platform, a little shorter
>than most Star Fleet Officers.
CROW: Commanders Robert Reich and Dudley Moore report for duty!
> As they solidified, Marrissa
>identified them, Jay Gordon and Clara Sutter.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Oh no, not you guys again!
> There were only
>five officers in the millions of active Star Fleet officers
>younger than her. The odds against this event were very long.
MIKE: Unless you consider the author involved.
SERVO: With Ratliff pulling the strings, merely improbable inanities get
turned into sure bets.
>Of course the odds of Clara being sent were better. She had
>after all developed the variant of the Essex-10 fighter craft
>that Red Wing had been flying.
CROW: Even more amazing was the fact that she did it with Duplo blocks.
MIKE: Clara Sutter: Lego maniac
> But Jay Gordon, Marrissa hadn't
>even known that he'd been assigned to the JAG office as his post
>while undergoing additional training at the Academy.
MIKE: Jay's extra training in "How to be subservient to Princesses
with high Kobiyashi Maru times" would prove useful in the days
to come.
> "Welcome aboard the Stargazer, Clara, Jay," Marrissa
>greeted. "Working for the JAG office now, Jay?"
SERVO: [Jay] Yep, good ol' Fleet Admiral Harm Rabb.
> "For the last four months," Jay responded. "Some one in the
>Personnel Office though it would be cute?"
SERVO: Yeah, the military does a lot of things because they think it's
going to be 'cute'!
CROW: Wasn't that why they bombed Cambodia?
> "Cute?" Clara questioned.
SERVO: [Lisping, a la "Jack Frost"] Weally adowable.
MIKE: Just enjoy it, Jay - it's the only time in your whole life you'll get
within spitting distance of "cute".
> "You know Jay's middle name, Clara?" Marrissa inquired
>mischievously.
CROW: Weenieboy?
SERVO: Spineless?
MIKE: Throatwarbler-mangrove?
> Jay shot her a glance trying to silence the
>Commander.
> "What?" Clara asked.
> "Alan," Marrissa replied as Jay looked up at the ceiling as
>if to say `Why me Lord?'
CROW: And for once, I can dig where he's coming from.
> "Jay Alan Gordon, JAG from JAG," Clara put together.
MIKE: [dully] Oh, the hilarity. Stop it. Please. My sides.
> "Oh now you've done it, Marrissa," Jay said scoldingly.
>"She'll tell Shayna, and between the three of you I'll be lucky
>to hear the last of it within a decade."
CROW: Oh, now I get it. J-A-G. Ha ha. Ha.
SERVO: Ratliff's sense of humor is every bit as good as his writing.
> "And that's a problem, Jay?" Marrissa asked, grinning.
MIKE: [Jay] Yeah, who wants to listen to a couple of nattering idiots
for the next ten years?
> "Yes, because there is no way I'll ever be able to get even
>with two people that haven't done anything wrong in their lives,"
>Jay said.
[Long Pause]
CROW: Are we sure "Weenieboy" wasn't the right answer?
MIKE: I can think of one mistake Marrissa makes.
SERVO: What?
MIKE: She marries Jay.
CROW: Oooh. Score one for Mike.
> "True," Clara said. "Now what exactly happened to those
>fighters of yours?"
> "They crashed," Marrissa said.
SERVO: Brilliant observation!
MIKE: This news and more in this week's issue of "Duh!" magazine.
> "I'm hoping you can tell me
>more.
CROW: [Marrissa] Uh, they crashed real bad?
> I've had the remains transported to the Shuttlebay."
> "Lead on," Clara replied. "I want to know what the heck
>went wrong with a design I spent months on."
SERVO: Well, since most ships spend years in design, maybe it was
put into production too soon?
CROW: [Clara] Next time, I'll try pointing the white-hot plasma exhaust
*away* from the rudder...
> "Follow me," Marrissa said, exiting the transporter room.
>"Those full Lieutenant pips, Clara."
CROW: Yes. These full Lieutenant Pips. There wolf!
MIKE: [Clara] Brilliantly incoherent as usual, sir.
> "Yes, after we are done with the investigation, I'll be
>heading back to the Enterprise as it's new junior Assistant Chief
>Engineer," Clara said.
SERVO: [Clara] Then I'll give LaForge back his VISOR - maybe!
>
> The Shuttlebay was filled with twisted, torn, and dented
>parts of seven fighters.
MIKE: And in one of their trunks was Jimmy Hoffa.
> All but one of the pilot's compartments
>were intact. The drive systems of five craft had servived in one
>piece, and in the case of two connected to the pilot compartment.
CROW: The *drive systems*?!?
MIKE: It's not generally known, but star fighters have very delicate
transmissions.
SERVO: Yeah, and you're just asking for trouble if you let the power
steering fluid level drop too far!
> None of the wings were in a shape remotely resembling their
>original configuration. A practice torpedo lay in the center of
>the bay, still pristine.
CROW: It's the Warren Commission's "Magic Torpedo"!
SERVO: Any chance we can get it to blow?
MIKE: I'm afraid not.
>
> As the young officers entered the bay, a woman with curly
>brown hair was checking the lower bay controls,
MIKE: Minnie Driver joins Star Fleet.
CROW: Really?!? Hubbahubba! Sign me up for a tour of duty!
> she turned around
>and greeted, "Good Afternoon Commander. I heard that you were
>coming down here with the investigation."
SERVO: "Great. The Teletubbies are here to play agai - oh, I mean, Hi,
Marrissa!"
> "Yes, Lieutenant," Marrissa replied. "Clara, Jay,
MIKE: Introductions incoming! [All throw their arms over their heads]
> this is
>Lieutenant Virginia Szustakowski,
MIKE: Nastassja Kinski?
CROW: Ted Kazcinsky?
SERVO: Melvin Cowznofsky?
> our Chief Engineer. Gina, from
>the JAG Office, Lieutenant Jay Gordon, and our Engineering
>Investigator, Lieutenant Clarrissa Sutter, Princess of Essex."
MIKE: Okay, I call no "Clarissa Explains It All" jokes
> "Lieutenant Sutter, I've read your articles," Szustakowski
>replied. "Do you really think that impluse drive efficiency would
>improve with mult-phase pluse generation?"
SERVO: [Clara] Don't be silly. Pluse generation hasn't been invented yet.
CROW: How would one go about generating a "pluse" to begin with, much less
a "mult-phase" one?
MIKE: I think it involves jalapeno cheese and a box of Imodium A-D.
> "Well if you consider the interactions of hydrogen fission
>movement in the seventh dimension," Clara began.
CROW: [Clara]...and then reconfigure the technobabble sequencers to
"dumb", you will then look like a complete idiot.
SERVO: [Scotty] Ach! Cap'n, our treknobabble generator 'tis stuck! Ah
can't turn her off!
MIKE: [Kirk] ScottyIF... youcan'tturnOFF - theGENerator...
theentireSHIP... IS... DOOMED!
> "Ladies, as much as I'd like to hear about increased thrust
SERVO: Sa-a-a-a-y...
>provided by improved phased focusing, what ever that means, we do
>have an investigation to run,"Jay interupted.
CROW: So Clara just phasered him out of existence and kept yammering.
> "Right, I better introduce you to the Flight Engineer,"
>Szustakowski said. "Bolts!"
CROW: Aw, nuts! Bolts isn't here.
SERVO: You just nailed that one.
MIKE: I think both of you have a screw loose.
> A red headed woman rushed over from behind one of the more
>intact fighters. She was shorter than Clara, just over four and
>a half feet tall. Her uniform was dirty, and her communicator
>askew.
MIKE: Gillian Anderson *IS* Lieutenant Commander Courtney Love.
CROW: Hey, nice job all around on the casting, Steve-O!
> "Reporting as ordered, sir."
> "This is Ensign Amelia Bolton,"
CROW: [snicker]
MIKE: Please don't snicker at her receding hairline.
SERVO: [Michael Bolton "singing"] WHEN A MAN LOVES AN ENGINE...
> Szustakowski said. "She'll
>help you with anything you need.
CROW: Yo, yo, yo Starfleet people. You need tickets to 'da Streisand
concert? How 'bout a nice tribble? You need anything, Amelia's
your source for it, booooy.
> She knows everything that ever
>went wrong with any of our craft, right down to who misspelled
>Federation on one of them.
MIKE: Ah, a cleverly crafted in-joke.
CROW: That had our names on it, didn't it?
SERVO: Yeah, it said "Mik, Croew and Srevo"
> Ensign, this is Lieutenants Gordon
>and Sutter, they'll be helping Commander Picard oversee the
>investagation. If you'll excuse me, I have
SERVO: Pies in the oven.
> to go see how my
>sister is doing."
> As Szustakowski left the bay, Ensign Bolton asked,
CROW: [Amanda] So, can you - [Michael Bolton "singing"] GO THE DISTANCE?
>"You wouldn't happen to be Princess Clarrissa Sutter, designer of the
>Essex-10-Clara?"
MIKE: [Clara] No, I'm Princess Clarrissa Sutter, designer of the
Essex-9-Clara. You probably have me confused with someone else.
> "Yes," Clara blushed then down played. "I was just
>addressing some complaints Marrissa had made about the Prime that
>I felt could be better done."
SERVO: Like for example, I added wings.
> "Better done," Bolton replied. "Your design, your highness.
CROW: Your highness, your design.
SERVO: Uma, Oprah. Oprah, Uma.
>blown all the other variants of the Essex-10 out of the water.
MIKE: Which would be impressive except that they're supposed to be
spacecraft.
>They're no longer making the Prime.
SERVO: They're only charging 8 and a quarter percent.
> The Atmospheric still has
>it's place, but it can't beat the Clara except on it's home turf.
> As for the Bomber, I'm hoping they replace that slug soon."
MIKE: Unseen by the other crew members, Babe Ruth began at cry at the
cruel barb.
> "It is a little out of balance," Clara commented, opening
>her Engineer's kit. "But don't be so sure that my design is the
>best there is. I know of at least five things I could have done
>better.
CROW: [Clara] Well, six, if you count the color scheme.
SERVO: Nice to see a 14 year old can out-design engineers with decades
of experience in the field.
> And call me Clara. I'm too young to be called sir, or
>your highness."
MIKE: [Clara] Hanging around Marrissa, I prefer to be called Planetary
Empress.
SERVO: Y'know, it's a shame that we've read too many stories in this
series for me to shout out "YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE A STARFLEET
OFFICER TOO!"
> "Clara, you are never too young to be called, your royal
>highness," Marrissa responded.
MIKE: And she'd be the person to know that.
> "You should know. After all, you
>knew your were a Princess before I did."
CROW: [Marrissa] And don't think I'll ever forgive you for that!
> "Well, you may like being royalty," Clara replied, pulling a
>taira out of her kit.
MIKE: Wow, an entire antebellum mansion in one handy engineering pouch!
SERVO: [Scarlett O'Hara] Ah sweah ah'll nevah join Stahfleet again!
> "I, on the other hand, would perfer not to
>be. It's too much hassle. Ensign, where should we start.
> As Marrissa and Jay, tried to contain a case of laughter,
>Ensign Bolton asked,
CROW: [MB "singing"] HOW CAN WE BE LOVERS IF WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS?!?
> "What's that?" She pointed to the taira
>that Clara had placed on her brow.
> "It's my no hands tricorder," Clara replied,
CROW: It detects whether or not something has hands.
> touching the
>side of the taira. A blue visor materialized over her eyes. "It
>helps when you are examining things to have your hands free.
>What are you two laughing about?"
CROW: "Veronica's Closet"! That Kirstie Alley is a hoot!
> Jay and Marrissa had lost their battle to contain their
>amusement and were chuckling loudly. "It's just that as soon as
>you complained about being a Princess, what was the first thing
>you did?" Marrissa said, recovering from the laughing spell.
SERVO: Ooh, you gotta roll a high save for that!
>"You put on a tiara."
MIKE: Well, she did win that Ms. Engineering Contest. . .
> "You know as well as I do that I designed this for Sailor
>Mercury in that holodeck obsession of yours a year ago," Clara
>replied.
SERVO: A callback to "Moondusted"?!?
MIKE: Oh, Ratliff's done callbacks before, Tom.
SERVO: But I thought "Dusted" wasn't part of the "official Marrissa canon"!
CROW: Calm down, Tommy, you're taking this way too seriously.
> "I may have played Sailor Mars, but that doesn't mean I
>didn't like what the other scouts had."
CROW: Merit Badges!!
> "Like the locket I had," Marrissa inquired.
> "I just liked the tune," Clara replied. "Why don't you two
>start interviewing the pilots or something. You all are no
>engineers."
MIKE: And with that statement, the Stooges' plans were foiled again.
SERVO: [Moe] Oh, a wiseguy, huh?
> "I'll leave this to you and Ensign Bolton to this side of
>the investigation then," Marrissa said.
CROW: And also as well to the Department of Redundancy Department, too.
> "I want those black
>boxes as soon as you can get them, and let us know if you find
>anything unusual."
MIKE: Yeah, see if they're surrounded by wreckage. That might give you
a clue.
SERVO: Geez, why don't they just make the whole shuttle out whatever they
make the black boxes out of?
CROW: Because it'd make the thing too heavy! Lift has to overcome the
mass of the craft in order for it to fly, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?
SERVO: I-I-I'm sorry, Crow. I didn't know. I was only making a joke...
[Tom begins to sob.]
MIKE: Good Crow. Just make Tom cry. [To Tom] There, there. It's okay.
CROW: But, I was just repeating what Bill Nye told me... [sniff]
SERVO: Mike, you big bully! Now you've made Crow cry!
MIKE: But I didn't do anything!
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
SERVO: Coming soon on Fox: "Radford 24142".
CROW: Right after "When America's Funniest Scary Police Crashes Attack 9"!
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer and
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/index/ Index Maintainer for
>http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ alt.startrek.creative
>
>The ASC Awards run 2/15/98 - 3/25/98
>
>"The path of the prophets sometimes leads into darkness and pain."
> -DS9's "Far Beyond the Stars"
CROW: Yeah, tell us about it!
SERVO: Hey, guys, it's time for the service.
CROW: Must we?
SERVO: C'mon, it's important!
MIKE: Well, let's go, then.
[All leave]
o +2+ -3- (4) {5} [6]
[SoL - Mike & the bots are gathered around the console. The bridge is
dark, save for a framed picture, illuminated by a single spotlight, of a
faceless mannequin dressed in a Starfleet uniform. Gypsy has a black veil
over her eye, Mike is wearing a black jumpsuit, and Crow is in his suit
with his "hair" slicked back. Tom, dressed in a black robe, steps up to
the podium.]
SERVO: Friends, Romans, Countrymen. We are gathered here today to join this
man and this wom- D'oh! No, wait. We, the members of the Ensign
Throwaway Benevolent Society, are gathered here today to pay our
final respects to a man - or possibly a woman, we don't know - I
mean, no one ever actually said, so we just flipped a coin - we
just didn't know, is all!!
MIKE: Uh, Tom...
SERVO: Ahem! In any case we are gathered here to pay our final respects to
a - person - I think - who made the ultimate sacrifice. I speak,
of course, of the gallant, selfless... individual known to all of us
as Ensign Brown. Ensign Brown was one of that rare breed of man...
or woman... or... well, whatever Brown was, it was a rare breed.
She/he/it was a Starfleet officer willing to lay down her/his/its
life - to advance the plot.
CROW: Oh, brother!
SERVO: And now, to deliver the eulogy for the dearly departed ensign, our
own Michael J. Nelson. Mike?
MIKE: Thank you, Tom. I remember the first time I met Ensign Brown, I said
to myself, "Self," I said, "There goes an ensign with a good head
on the old shoulders." Unfortunately, that's no longer the case.
SERVO: *Mike!*
MIKE: Oops! Ah, well, anyway, what is there to say about Brown that hasn't
already been said, and majestically, by Stephen Ratliff? Dear
Stephen, who wrote with unrivaled passion and power and even, yes,
eloquence, "Unfortunately, Ensign Brown was dead upon arrival."
Yes, Brown's death leaves a hole in our souls - not to mention the
plot - that we'll never be able to fill. So goodbye, Brownie!
You'll be missed - once we figure out exactly who you are.
SERVO: Thank you, Mike [muttering] ya chunkhead. [normal] Now we turn the
podium over to another great dear friend of Ensign Brown, Gypsy.
GYPSY: Ummmmm, Ensign Brown's dead. [pause] Ummmmm, that's too bad. [pause]
Okay, bye.
SERVO: Thank you, Gypsy, for that warm personal remembrance. Now, the final
eulogy, delivered by another of the late Ensign Brown's close dear
personal friends, Mr. Crow T. Robot.
CROW: Yeah, yeah. *ahem* Ensign Brown was a friend. Now he's dead. Or she.
Or whatever. And if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my
friends. And no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's
a joke, you're broke, and I'm headin' for the buffet.
SERVO: CROW!!
CROW: Well, geez, Tom, whattaya want?
SERVO: I want raw emotions! Tears! Mourning! I want you to wail piteously
and throw yourself on top of the casket and let it bounce up and
down and create some of that "Twin Peaks" ambiance!!! That's all I
want! Is that so much to ask?!?
GYPSY: There's no casket, Tom.
SERVO: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT!!! How are we supposed to properly mark
Ensign Brown's passing in the middle of all this folderol?!?
MIKE: Look, let's just wrap it up, Servo.
SERVO: Fine! Fine! [coughs, assumes a calmer demeanor] Yes, we mourn the
passing of Ensign Brown - one of the few, the proud, the Ratliff
Characters! And now, let us close this service with a song.
[All rise and begin singing, to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic"]
SERVO:
Mine eyes have seen the story, and it really wasn't hard
To tell who was the cause of my poor psyche's being scarred:
Princess Flight Commander Marrissa Flores Picard!
Her story lurches on!
ALL: Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
The Kids' Crew marches on
CROW:
Ensign Brown's body lies a moulderin' in sickbay,
Ensign Brown's body lies a moulderin' in sickbay,
Ensign Brown's body lies a moulderin' in sickbay,
While Marrissa marches on!
ALL: Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
The Kids' Crew marches on
MIKE: [Slower, as the others hum behind]
In the halls of the Stargazer, Marrissa schemes for all to see;
Her plans at domination are all aimed at you and mee-e-e-e...
From "Enterprized" & "Time Speeder", up to "Premier Ma(r)qui(s);
Her power rushes on-n-n-n-n-n!
ALL: Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff!
Gloriosky, Stephen Ratliff! [Lights flash]
Now we've got fanfic sign....
[yelling]WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
[6] {5} (4) -3- +2+ o
[All return]
MIKE: It's okay, Tom, it was a beautiful service anyway.
SERVO: It just hurts so much.
MIKE: I know, honey, I know.
>From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG The Walls of Jellico 4/5 (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: Well, it's still here.
SERVO: What, you thought it was going to vanish in our absence?
CROW: Well, I can dream, can't I?
>Date: 28 Feb 1998 18:14:40 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Lines: 118
>Message-ID: <6d9k6g$nab@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: pluto.cs.runet.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: 4/5
>
>Chapter Three
>
> Jay and Marrissa retreated to her office to avoid being
>embarrassed by their lack of Engineering knowledge.
MIKE: Yeah, it's such a pain to have to kill everyone in a room just to
cover your own ignorance.
> They quickly
>divided up the various reports that had been submitted and
>logged. There was the launch requests, the pre-flight
>checklists, the Doctor's injury reports, and the flight plan.
CROW: Not to mention the Ratliff Contrived Plot Device Report
SERVO: With the future drowning in paperwork, it's a wonder anything gets
done in Starfleet at all!
>There was one little note that caught Jay's attention.
CROW: [Jay] Marrissa? This one's marked "Signed and notarized confession
of guilt." Where do I file it?
MIKE: [Marrissa] Just toss it. I'm sure it's not important.
> "Computer, find orders, training plan Red Wing."
> "File not found," the Computer responded.
CROW: Hey, how about that. In the future, DOS talks.
> "I'm sure I saw that before," Marrissa said. "Computer,
>view flight plan"
> "File not found."
CROW: [A]bort, [R]etry, [F]ail?
> "Computer, deletion lock, authorization Picard Alpha Four
>Red Five Halifax Serena,"
CROW: Delta Aremgo...
MIKE: Foxtrot Tango Durango...
SERVO: Burton Burton Warner Fortensky....
ALL: Hike!
> Marrissa ordered. "Attempt to retrieve
>recently deleted files."
SERVO: Have you checked www.filepile.com?
> "Deletion lock now in effect. Logging attempts to delete
>files," the Computer responded.
> "I guess we're going to have to call in a computer expert,"
>Jay remarked.
MIKE: Or we can just get Fonzie to whack it on the side.
> "Not necessarily," Marrissa said. "Who had a motive to
>destroy those files?"
CROW: Kevin Mitnick?
> "Any of the pilots," Jay began.
> "Who are confined to Sickbay," Marrissa said. "I know
>Doctor Jackson, he doesn't let anyone access work files from
>Sickbay.
MIKE: I hope that he's better at that than Starfleet is from keeping
people out of the asteroids.
> Anime Fan Fiction, yes, flight plans, not on your
>life."
MIKE: Unless they disguised their flight plans as anime fanfic!
CROW: Take a flight plan, add some guns, a girl with odd colored hair
or two, and add in a wacky sidekick and, boom, there you are.
SERVO: I think exploring Dr. Jabberjaw Johnnycake Juxtaposition's Futaba-
Chan fetish falls under the category "too much information"!
> "Relatives of the pilots," Jay continued.
MIKE: Casual acquaintances of the pilots?
CROW: People with the same initials as the pilots?
SERVO: Folks who live in the same neighborhood as the pilots' dentists?
> "We've got two," Marrissa informed. "Lieutenant Ross
>Lochard, our chief of security is Red Wing's Wing Commander's
>husband, and Lieutenant Szustakowski, our chief Engineer is her
>sister."
> "Who ever filed the training orders," Jay finished.
CROW: He's right - *nobody* ever filed them!
MIKE: The ship's secretary did it!
> "That could be either Kathy or Lieutenant Jellico," Marrissa
>said.
> "Kathy would be the Red Wing Commander?" Jay asked.
>Marrissa nodded. "You left out any Engineering aspects,"
>she noted.
SERVO: [Jay] Um - maybe they ran out of gas?
> "The Engineers wouldn't mess with those files," Jay said.
>"They'd alter these very detailed maintenance records."
> "For all I can tell they've already done that," Marrissa
>replied. "What is an space modulator and shouldn't they be
>replaced ever 4 thousand light years?"
MIKE: Because that's when the warranty expires, you nitwit!
SERVO: And what the hell is an offog? Never mind. I'll just say that it
blew up in warp.
> "I have no idea," Jay replied.
CROW: Y'know, this is generally true of Jay on any occasion
> "Let Clara go over that
>mess. Can we start interviewing the pilots?"
SERVO: They're just sittin' in the green room, twiddling their thumbs.
> "I'd rather wait for the flight logs first," Marrissa
>remarked. "Without that flight plan, we won't be able to
>determine any deviations from it."
MIKE: And without oxygen we won't be able to breathe!
> "It's supposed to be in the flight log, isn't it," Jay
>asked.
> "True," Marrissa said, putting down the PADD full of
>maintenance logs she'd been reading. "Commander Picard to
>Lieutenant Sutter."
CROW: [Clara] I WASN'T ASLEEP!! I mean, uh, Sutter here.
> "Clara here," the young engineer replied from the shuttle
>bay.
> "How soon can I get the flight logs from the fighters?"
>Marrissa asked.
SERVO: [Clara] I've already got Evander Holyfield's and Max Baer's. I
should have Joe Louis's in a minute.
> "I need them before I can question the pilots."
> "Give me five minutes," Clara replied.
CROW: Then give her a long enough rope, and she'll hang herself.
> "You've got two, Picard out," Marrissa replied.
> "What's this with the time limits, Marrissa," Jay asked.
>"Clara should know how long a job takes her."
CROW: And checking a flight log is time sensitive because?
> "Clara has been spending time with Admiral Scott," Marrissa
>replied.
MIKE: She's been putting on a few tons and mumbling incoherently.
> "I know Scotty.
SERVO: [Marrissa] He's the only guy who ever drank me under the table.
> He always multiplies his repair
>estaminets by four, and I find that the trait is contagious."
CROW: What's he talking about? Has Ratliff finally gone over the deep end?
MIKE: Nope. You can blame the actual writers for TNG for that.
SERVO: And thanks a lot, all you guys, for taking one of Trek's all-time
great characters and a certified miracle-worker and turning him
into a lying gold-bicker!
MIKE: Yeah, *good one*, Berman!!!
> "How so?" Jay asked.
> "Our Chief Engineer here on the Stargazer use to give an
>estimate of fifteen minutes as the time it takes to repair a
>coolant leak," Marrissa explained. "Then she visited Admiral
>Scott. Now it takes forty-five."
CROW: [mumbling] Four times fifteen is forty-five?
> "That's rather noticeable," Jay remarked.
> "I'm not sure how Captain Washington failed to notice it,"
>Marrissa mused.
MIKE: She's probably still trying to figure out what an "estaminet" is.
>
> Lieutenant Katherine Lochard was the first person Marrissa
>and Jay interviewed.
SERVO: Then ordered put to death.
> She was still confined to sickbay, but she
>appeared better than she had been the last time Marrissa had
>stopped by. "Lieutenant, your flight plan in your fighter's logs
>notes this exercise as being over your objections," Jay began.
> "Would you mind clarifying that?"
CROW: [Katherine] They *know* I always watch "Ally McBeal" on Mondays!
> "When Lieutenant Jellico assigned this training mission, I
>objected to doing it in the actual field," the Wing Commander
>said.
SERVO: [Lochard] I wanted to have the training exercise in my living
room.
MIKE: Yep. Why bother with real-world situations, when you can just stay
in the simulator?
CROW: Maybe the Romulans will be nice enough to attack them in the
simulator, instead of in space.
> "I thought that it would be just as effective in the
>holodeck and that my wing, in particular Ensigns Brown, Favin,
>and Jakif,
CROW: Ummmm...
MIKE: Whatever you're about to say, Crow - don't.
CROW: But it's -
MIKE: Just don't, okay?
> where not ready or qualified to fly though such a
>rapidly changing and dangerous asteroid field."
SERVO: After all, those asteroids are usually hundreds of millions of
kilometers apart. They're far too close together to fly through.
CROW: Nah! In Star Trek, an asteroid belt is a huge expanse, all mere
meters apart, with more mass than several star systems' worth of
planets. And you can't fly over it, so it's really an asteroid
globe.
MIKE: You're over-analyzing this.
> Marrissa and Jay exchanged a glance before Jay continued,
>"What happened to cause the accident?"
MIKE: [Katherine] This Jem'Hadar pulled up, and he was on his cell phone,
and wasn't looking, and...
> "Everything had been proceeding normally," Kathy explained.
>"We were following Jellico's flight plan closely. My wing
>second, Ensign Saro, was leading and I took up the rear.
CROW: Then that blasted Saro began to sing "My Sharona", so I started
singing along, so I got distracted, so, so, so we hit an
asteroid. But it's all Jellico's fault.
> Then the
>unexpected happened. Two asteroids collided ahead of us, forcing
>us to take evasive action. I'm not sure exactly how it happened,
>but I think the debris from the collusion
CROW: So it *was* a conspiracy!
MIKE: [Kevin Costner] You see this meteor moving back and to the left...
back and to the left... back and to the left.
> was moving faster than
>we could in the tight area we had to fly. We were hit and had to
>beam back to the Stargazer."
> "That agrees with my analyst of your logs," Marrissa said.
SERVO: Even Marrissa's psychiatrist gets in on the act
> "Jay?"
> "Thank you for your time," Jay finished. "We may be back
>later."
MIKE: Hey, that doesn't scare us!
CROW: Speak for yourself, Nelson - the thought of more of this stuff
absolutely *terrifies* me!
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>
>The ASC Awards run 2/15/98 - 3/25/98
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
>
>"The path of the prophets sometimes leads into darkness and pain."
> -DS9's "Far Beyond the Stars"
MIKE: And sometimes the path leads you to a donut shop so that you
can pick up some bearclaws.
>
>From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG The Walls of Jellico 5/6 (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: Woahwoahwoah - "5/6"?!?! It was only 5 parts a minute ago!!
SERVO: It's growing exponentially! It's THE INFINITE RATIFF FANFIC!!
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Date: 5 Mar 1998 04:51:23 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Lines: 214
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Message-ID: <6dlb0b$c3l@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mercury.cs.runet.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Status: N
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: none
>Part: 5/6
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Note: I forgot to split the last chapter from the epilogue, so this is
>one part longer than I intially thought.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
CROW: Oh.
>
>Chapter Four
>
> Once the two exited Sickbay, Jay turned to Marrissa and
>said, "I think we have a court-martial on our hands."
SERVO: Oh! I thought you were indicting Dale!
CROW: They're court-martialing Marrissa! Our dreams have come true!
MIKE: Guys, don't get your hopes up.
> "I'll agree with that,"
SERVO: "Makes sense," said Glinn Gusat.
> Marrissa replied as they entered
the
>turbolift. "Deck Two. What offenses have we got?"
SERVO: [Jay] Well, basically, we're too young, our spelling is atrocious,
we consistently defy all command logic, our characterization is
two-dimensional, our big battle scenes generally take about two
lines, and your feet are a touch on the gamy side.
> "Destruction of Evidence, Obstruction of Justice, and
>possibly Murder," Jay listed.
CROW: Tonight on "The Marrissa Files", Marrissa and Jay track a killer using
the Enterprise computer in, "Control-Alt-MURDER!!"
> "Murder?" Marrissa said, falling back against the turbolift
>wall. "When did this become a murder investigation."
MIKE: The minute Commodore Jessica Fletcher showed up.
> "When Lieutenant Jellico ordered the mission over the
>objections of the wing commander," Jay replied.
CROW: So subordinates should have absolute veto authority over the orders
of their superiors?
SERVO: When they're chums of Her Royal Highness? Sure!
> "Lets not rush into this," Marrissa said, standing up
>straight again. "We need to talk to Jellico, and find out who
>deleted those files."
MIKE: [Marrissa] *Then* we'll execute him.
> "Well, he's the only one on that list," Jay remarked, as the
>turbolift opened to the officer's corridor below the bridge.
>"The pilots couldn't, and Kathy's relatives only had a motive if
>she did, and I don't think she does any more"
CROW: Is it just me, or is anyone else having trouble buying that Jay
is suddenly Remington Steele?
MIKE: I'm not.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Think about it: Remington was just a good-looking manqué, whereas
Laura was the smarter, powerful one who did all the actual work.
CROW: Good point.
> The two entered Marrissa's office. Marrissa sat down in her
>overstuffed chair behind her desk,
ALL: [whoopee cushion noises]
> and Jay took up residence on
>her couch.
MIKE: It's Jay Alan Kato Gordon.
> "Oh?" Marrissa inquired. "What got rid of her
>motive?"
SERVO: The fact that she's a friend of the author
> "The flight logs show she did everything possible to save
>her pilots," Jay replied.
SERVO: Showing once again that the Kid's Crew are the epitome of
humanity.
CROW: She still could be responsible for their deaths and was just
trying to hide her guilt in the matter by acting like she was
trying to save them.
> "We know they haven't been tampered
>with," Jay said, clasping his hands behind his head as he leaned
>back. "And if she had no motive, neither did her relatives."
MIKE: Well, except for her cousin Otto, who's into her for 14 grand.
CROW: So, after an intense three hours of investigation, Jay can't find
any evidence, so she's innocent.
SERVO: Call the Boulder Police Department. They'll want to know
about that investigative technique.
> "True," Marrissa replied, picking up a PADD from her desk.
SERVO: Then she poured some blue liquid on it to test its absorbency.
> "Shall we call Lieutenant Jellico in for questioning?"
>"Might as well," Jay replied. "Has the Computer Security
>Officer tracked down the terminal or user who deleted those
>files?"
MIKE: [Marrissa] Turns out it was some high school hacker in Denmark.
CROW: [Jay] Excellent! We got our new science officer!
> "Fighter Bay Launch Control Room," Marrissa informed. "Not
>exactly an easy place to pin users down in."
CROW: But if you use that modified scissors hold, you got a pretty good
shot at it.
> "How exactly were those files deleted?" Jay inquired. "We
>did have an investigative lock on them."
> "Ensign Chu
ALL: Gesundheit!
> tells me that they were renamed then deleted,"
>Marrissa replied, tossing the PADD back down on the table.
SERVO: Yeah, no one had ever thought of doing that before!
MIKE: Nice to see how far firewall technology has come in 400 years.
> "Only
>the Fighter Commander and above can rename Flight Control files."
> "I think we have our suspect cornered then," Jay remarked,
CROW: It's you Marrissa! You're trying to frame the lieutenant, aren't
you?!
MIKE: Give it up Crow. It's not going to happen.
CROW: [Sobbing] He's innocent Mike! I know it! He... he just... has...
to... be...
>moving his arms back down to cross them over his chest.
SERVO: And this indicates?
MIKE: Jay has this King Tut complex.
> "What do
>you say we call him down?"
SERVO: [Announcer] Henry Jellico - COME ON DOWN!!!
> "Commander Picard to Lieutenant Jellico," Marrissa ordered.
>"Report to my office immediately."
SERVO: Come to think of it, wouldn't Marrissa have a motive for altering
the files?
CROW: Yeah! She's jealous of Jellico's success so she's altering the
records to frame him!
SERVO: She's the head of security, after all. She has access to the
records...
MIKE: Stop it guys. You're scaring me.
CROW: Come on Mike. It's not that farfetched.
MIKE: I'm asking you to stop because I'm beginning to believe you.
>Jay took up position behind Marrissa as they waited for the
>Fighter Commander to arrive.
CROW: [Marrissa] Always keep three paces behind me!
MIKE: [Jay] Yes, dread majesty!
> The door chimed, and Marrissa
>ordered, "Come."
CROW: Well, that was quick!
MIKE & SERVO: Ewwwwwww!!!
> Lieutenant Jellico entered the office, supremely confident.
>He strutted across the room to stand before the desk.
ALL: [singing] You wear a disguise to look like human guys...
SERVO: [whispering] "Guys" or "guise"?
MIKE: Let's not start *that* argument!
>"Reporting as ordered, sir," he sneered, believing that there was
>nothing the two teenagers could do to him.
MIKE: Well, they could slash his tires.
> "Please sit down," Marrissa ordered in a calm and confident
>tone.
> "I perfer to stand," Jellico replied, continuing the battle
>of wills he had begun with Marrissa when he came on board.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Sit.
CROW: [Jellico] Stand!
SERVO: Sit!!
CROW: *Stand*!!!
SERVO: SIT!!!!
CROW: STAND!!!!!!
MIKE: Let's just squat and call it even.
> "That wasn't a request," Marrissa replied.
MIKE: Actually, it was. A non-request would be "Sit down."
> Jellico took a
>seat in the overstuffed chair in front of Marrissa's desk.
CROW: [Jellico] Okay, I'll sit, but you can't make me like it!
ALL: [whoopee cushion noises]
> "Thank you for coming so quickly, Mr. Jellico. As you know,
>Lieutenant Gordon and I are investigating the accident Red Wing
>had two days ago.
MIKE: Tragically, several Garage Oxfords were injured.
> In our investigation several questions have
>come up that you may be able to answer."
SERVO: For example, what kind of weird-ass name is "Jellico", anyway?
> "I will answer them to the best of my ability, sir," Jellico
>replied, suddenly realizing the seriousness of the two young
>officers.
CROW: The jig's up, Jellico! Marrissa knows you've been dipping into the
strawberry ice cream.
> Lieutenant Gordon was glaring at him with such
>fierceness
SERVO: Grrr! Grrr! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
> that he suspected that even Klingons would feel like
>deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.
CROW: Shouldn't that be "a Rigellian blue-deer caught in the illuminator
beams of an oncoming hovercraft"?
MIKE: So, Klingons can now be stared down by an angry 14 year old?
Oh how the mighty have fallen...
> "Very well," Marrissa responded. "What where your orders to
>Red Wing?"
MIKE: [Jellico] One pair of brown wing-tips, size 12 wide.
CROW: Then all crash on the count of three.
> Jellico momentarily considered saying he'd given no orders,
>but realized that the two weren't that incompetent.
SERVO: [snorts] Better reconsider that one, Henry.
> "I ordered
>Red Wing to do the Genma training routine in the trailing Trojan
>Asteroids," he said.
MIKE: Go ahead, Crow.
CROW: Go ahead what?
MIKE: I know you've got some bizarre comment to make about "Trojans" and
"Asteroids", so just spew it out before it burns a hole in your
guts!
CROW: Um, actually, I was gonna pass on that one.
MIKE: [Pause] Oh.
CROW: But thanks for pointing it out to everyone else, there, Mike.
> "Where there any objections," Jay asked.
SERVO: If there *were* any objections, right here is probably *where* they'd
be!
MIKE: Steady, Tom, steady.
SERVO: Grrrrr!
> "Lieutenant Lochard made some noise, but it wasn't much,"
CROW: Just some mewling and whimpering was all.
>Jellico remarked, dismissing the objection.
> "Did the Wing Commander say that her wing, which had three
>members fresh out of the Academy, was not ready for a real life
>training session," Jay recited from memory.
MIKE: Wouldn't pilots be sent to, say, flight school, before being
assigned to fly a fighter?
CROW: Ratliffverse again.
SERVO: Yeah, what training did Marrissa have in diplomacy before the
Naklab incident? What was Clara's training in Engineering? Did Jay
graduate from Law school? No, but he's in the JAG anyway.
> "Something to that effect," Jellico replied. "But I
>dismissed it because of their previous performances."
> "Did Lieutenant Lochard suggest an alternative?" Marrissa
>asked.
MIKE: [Jellico] Yeah, she said to take US 31 because there was an
overturned chicken truck on I-65.
> "She suggested we do it in the holodeck,
ALL: Bucka-WOW!!!
> but I felt it was
>time for real life experiences," Jellico answered. "The Holodeck
>is good, but their is just some things that it can't duplicate."
CROW: [Jellico] You're not one of them, though! That "Kill-Marrissa a
zillion times" holodeck program is a blast!
SERVO: "Their is just some things?" [starts shaking] How can anyone *write*
a sentence like that?!?
> "You are aware that we do have a full simulation program for
>that asteroid cluster," Marrissa stated.
MIKE: It's in that Wing Commander MMXXVCI program, right?
> "Yes, Blue Wing is training in it right now," Jellico said.
> "You are aware that Star Fleet has placed a warning about
>flying in the Trojans?"
CROW: CONDOMS, MAN!!! THEY'RE JUST A FORM OF REPRESSION, MAN!!!!
MIKE & CROW: *Yaaaahh!*
> Jay asked, sternly, his eyes burning into
>Jellico's soul.
MIKE: Or it might've just been that anchovy, pineapple and habanero pizza
he had for lunch.
> "I am," Jellico replied, fearful for the first time in the
>questioning.
SERVO: Oh, you're not going to try and tell me that *Jay* is suddenly
*intimidating*!
> "Did you erase the filed flight plan from the computer?" Jay
>interrogated, moving up to stand up against the desk.
MIKE: [Jay] Must... keep... desk... from... sliding...
>Jellico didn't say anything. His eyes flashed with fear,
>and his face drained of color.
CROW: Observer!
> Jay continued his questioning.
CROW: [Jay] Say, Jellico? If I give you some money, can you go buy me
and Marrissa some beer? Please?
SERVO: [Marrissa] I want Strawberry schnapps instead.
> "Did you delete the training orders for Red Wing?" Jay asked, his
>eyes still focused on Jellico.
MIKE: No! It was that El Barto guy! I swear!
> Jellico tried to tear his eyes away from the JAG Officer's
>stare.
CROW: Yep, ol' Jay "Conjunctivitis" Gordon strikes again!
> Something about the determined vestige of the fourteen
>year old Lieutenant
SERVO: Ewww! Jay's gone to pieces!
> reflected the doom that Jellico felt back
>onto his soul.
MIKE: Should he really be Deathmatching in front of a Grand Jury?
> The answer seeped out of him in a whisper, "Yes."
SERVO: [Overenthusiastically] Boy, they were a great band. Remember that
song that they did the fifty different videos for? That was great!
MIKE: Tom, what are you babbling about? Jellico just confessed!
SERVO: No! No, heh, he was talking about the band, yeah. That's it.
>As Jellico slumped in the chair, realizing that his career
>was over,
MIKE: [Gamely] Well, only time will tell . . . [pause] Oh, come on guys!
It's an Asia joke! You like Asia jokes!
SERVO: My hopes are shattered.
CROW: Listen! Can you hear the loons?
> he heard Commander Picard call, "Security to the First
>Officer's Office. Arrest Lieutenant Jellico for Destruction of
>Evidence, Obstruction of Justice, and Murder."
MIKE: Not to mention being a general wimp-out!
> His life was over
>now.
CROW: So you might as well kill him.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Set phasers to 'Extra Crispy.'
SERVO: [hopeful] So does that mean the story's over?
MIKE: Nope. It just goes on and on and on and...
> As he slumped in the chair, drained of all motivation,
MIKE: [Jellico] Hey, What could I do? Ratliff made me an incompetent
boob!
>he said in a sobbing tone, "You got what you wanted, Picard. I'm
>out of your way now."
SERVO: That's all it took? Jay looking at him cross-eyed? Jeez, what
a pushover!
CROW: Hey, Henry - what we said earlier about joining us? Forget it!
MIKE: Yeah. Anyone that can let themselves be intimidated by *Jay*...
> "I never wanted that," Marrissa replied, sorry that things
>had come to this point.
CROW: She was hoping for a bit more humiliation, first.
> "I was just trying to make you the best
>Fighter Commander you could be. I tried to help you, make things
>easy for you take over Fighter Command.
MIKE: *Then* I'd pull the rug out from under you.
> When you said that you
>didn't want my help, I stopped. Perhaps I shouldn't have. I
>suppose we'll be wondering what went wrong for the rest of our
>lives."
SERVO: I don't *have* to wonder! I *know*!! It was *you*, Marrissa - you're
responsible! You, *you*, YOU!!!!
MIKE: Tom, you're heading straight over the edge!
>
> Jellico looked back up at the young First Officer in a new
>light. He looked back at the actions he'd seen her do since he
>came aboard.
CROW: The intimidation, the veiled threats, the midnight beatings -
suddenly they all seemed like a good-natured romp!
> He saw her invitations to the weekly poker games to
>new officers as an attempt to get to know them better, not to set
>up some conspiracy.
SERVO: [stammering] Su-sure they were! She's trying to overthrow
Starfleet!
CROW: Uh-oh, he's startin' to lose it.
MIKE: Which one - Jellico or Servico?
> Jellico remembered the sing-a-longs in Seven
>Slightly Starboard.
MIKE: He wondered why Ratliff couldn't think of a more original name
for an on-board saloon.
> They were not to keep him up late, but to
>give a sense of community to a warship with lots of new
>crewmembers.
SERVO: Keeping him up late was just icing on the cake.
CROW: It was the Starfleet "Kumbayah" Chorus Line!
> The objections to demoting Lieutenant Ducat were not
>some test of power, it was concern that an officer that she knew
>was capable was being unfairly treated because of his race.
CROW: Spike Lee's "Marrissa X".
>Perhaps Lieutenant Commander Picard wasn't so bad after all.
CROW & SERVO: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
SERVO: [Sobbing] Ratliff's turned him!
CROW: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Dweeb!
MIKE: I warned you two not to get your hopes up.
> Then the security officers entered the room. They roughly
>stood him up
MIKE: Then roughly roughed him up.
> began taking him out of the room. Lieutenant
>Ross Lochard led them, saying when he struggled because the grip
>they had on him hurt, "Stop struggling, you're going to the
>brig."
CROW: Hey, thanks for clearing that up, Lochard - we thought you were
taking him to Starbuck's for a half-caf latte.
> "No," Commander Picard said from behind him. Ross turned
>back in inquiry.
MIKE: [Ross] You want I should just space him in his skivvies?
> "Confine him to quarters. There is no need to
>restrain him any more than that. Restrict Computer access and
>that will be enough."
SERVO: [Jellico] *sniff* Commander Picard?
CROW: [Marrissa] Yes?
SERVO: *sniff* There's just one thing that I'd like to say to
you before they lock me up.
CROW: Go ahead.
SERVO: *sniff* [sings] I'm saaailing away...
CROW: Noooooooooo!!!!!
MIKE: Nice to see you've rebounded from the shock, Tom.
SERVO: We robots heal fast.
CROW: [singing fast] settinganopencourseforthevirginsea...
> Jellico wanted to thank Commander Picard for the gesture of
>kindness but the Security Officers pulled him out of the room too
>fast.
MIKE: Stockholm Syndrome - very sad.
SERVO: How pathetic! Another egg-sucking dog cringing at Marrissa's feet.
CROW: Now he has "I WAS COURT-MARTIALED BY A BUNCH OF KIDS" scrawled across
his rump.
>
> At his exit, Marrissa slumped back in her chair. Jay moved
>around to where Jellico had been sitting and perched on the left
>arm of the chair.
MIKE: And Marrissa fed him a chunk of meat, pulled his hood on, and
put him back in his cage.
> "What's wrong Marrissa?" he asked.
MIKE: Well, I just realized that I might have sent an innocent man to
jail. [pause] Oh well. Hey, while you're up, could you get me some
strawberry Jell-O?
> "I had such hopes for Jellico," Marrissa said. "He was an
>excellent pilot with excellent ratings across the board.
SERVO: [Rainman] He was an excellent pilot. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely
an excellent pilot with excellent ratings. Uh-oh. Time for Wapner.
> If he
>would have just learnt that there is a limit to everything he
>could have been an excellent commanding officer.
MIKE: WHAT?!?! Marrissa's telling him he needs to recognize limits? Ms.
"I can negotiate the Nalkab dispute?" is saying *Jellico* needs to
respect the limits? How dare - I mean that's just so - so -
SERVO: Um, Mike, could you calm down just a lit-
MIKE: [rises and shakes fist at screen] It - they - she - how, what, you -
Poooot... Keeettle...BLLLLAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!
YYYYYYYRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!
[Mike makes a small strangling sound and pitches forward]
CROW: Well - that's a new one.
SERVO: C'mon, help me haul Mr. "Don't Get So Upset" into his chair.
[Tom and Crow pull Mike's unconscious form back into his theater seat]
> I hate it when
>I fail with an officer."
CROW: So in other words, the real tragedy in this situation is that it
made Marrissa look bad.
SERVO: Yep, pretty much.
> "You need something to take you mind off work for a while,"
>Jay remarked.
SERVO: [Jay] I have this holodeck simulation called 'Beat up the
Subordinate.' I'm sure you'd like it.
CROW: [Marrissa] Nah... I do that often enough in real life.
> "Isn't the Star Fleet Invitational tomorrow?"
CROW: That's right. All across the galaxy, star fleets are being invited
to Earth.
SERVO: Crow, can't wake him up. Do you wanna -
CROW: No! I'm not going to bite him - he ruins my partial.
SERVO: Fine. [whispers] Mike? Mikey? Wakey-wakey! [Normal] C'mon ya
big squarehead! Up & at 'em! [Mike stirs groggily]
MIKE: [Dazedly] Aunt Hildegarde? Is it time to shuck the gooseberries?
CROW: You okay?
MIKE: I - I guess. What happened?
SERVO: Marrissa.
MIKE: Drat! I hoped it was just a meteorite or something.
> "Yes, my cousin Isabelle is returning to racing tomorrow,"
>Marrissa said. "She hasn't raced a horse since she placed in the
>Belmont Stakes two years ago. Motherhood hasn't given her the
>time."
CROW: Wow, a pregnant woman placed in the top three in a race? I'm
impressed.
MIKE: I think that she was riding a horse, not actually racing the other
horses.
CROW: Oh. Still, that's an amusing picture, don't you think?
> "And now she's returning to racing," Jay said. "You really
>should go see her."
> "Are you asking me out on a date, Jay?" Marrissa replied.
>"If you can get tickets," Jay replied.
[All laugh]
CROW: "Wanna go to the races?" "Sure!" "Great! Got any tickets?"
SERVO: This scene is the very definition of what it means to be Jay!
> "That race day is
>always sold out."
MIKE: Well, it would be if the Federation still used money.
> "I've got rights to the Stargazer Stables owner's box,"
>Marrissa stated. "I don't need to worry about tickets. The box
>fits 20 and the Enterprise is busy patrolling the Cardassian
>Border, so that just leaves me, Marie, Theresa, and little Rene
>to use it.
CROW: Apparently, she gets the group rate on her dates.
> I'm sure I can get in."
MIKE: [Marrissa] Otherwise, heads'll roll!
> "What about any of Isabelle's friends?" Jay asked.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Oh, we just throw them out of the box when we arrive.
They're no trouble.
>"Unfortunately Isabelle lacks many," Marrissa said. "I
>don't know why, but I think it's roughly the same reason I have
>trouble making new friends with people my age."
MIKE: [Marrissa] I usually have them shot before I really get to know
them.
> "You have trouble making friends?" Jay asked, surprised.
CROW: Jay's remarkably unobservant for a member of the JAG, isn't he?
>"I'd think that people would want to be friends with you.
ALL: [Animaniacs] She's our new *special* friend!
> I know
>I'm lucky to count you among my friends."
MIKE: [Jay] Because if I wasn't one of your underlings, then you'd rub me
out for sure.
CROW: Suck it up Jay, suck it up!
SERVO: Hey, don't knock Jay. He knows the best way to survive in the
Ratliff universe.
> "You were my friend before I got to all the things that keep
>me from getting new friends," Marrissa said.
MIKE: Psychosis
CROW: Lust for Power
SERVO: Obsessive Compulsive Mania
MIKE: Ruthlessness
CROW: Contempt for all other lifeforms
SERVO: Unsightly underarm stains
> "You knew me before
>I became the Captain's daughter, which lead anyone on board the
>Enterprise who didn't already know me to behave as if they were
>on pin cushions.
MIKE: In pain, annoyed, and ready to scream!
> Then when I discovered my royal heritage anyone
>outside the ship approached me as if I was some sort of holy
>person.
CROW: Pope Marrissa I?
> My rank stops me from being friends with anyone within a
>decade of my age because, I'm at least two ranks above them and
>it's not right to associate with senior officers."
SERVO: Is it worth pointing out that most people her age aren't even in
Starfleet to begin with?
MIKE: Probably not.
SERVO: Okay. Just checkin'.
> "I can see the problem you face," Jay remarked. "And you do
>need some time off. I think your position is getting to you."
CROW: Wouldn't touch it if you paid me to.
> "Only on days where I have disappointments with officers,"
>Marrissa replied. "I'll probably get someone else to disappoint
>me to replace Jellico."
MIKE: [Marrissa] And I'll just have to ruin them, too.
SERVO: Maybe that dimwitted Ensign Nelson...
MIKE: Knock it off.
> "Don't be so pessimistic," Jay remarked.
CROW: And don't butter us up, Ratliff.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>
>The ASC Awards run 2/15/98 - 3/25/98
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
>
>"The path of the prophets sometimes leads into darkness and pain."
> -DS9's "Far Beyond the Stars"
SERVO: [singing] Far beyond this world that I know...
MIKE: Tom, No.
>
>From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG The Walls of Jellico 6/6 (Marrissa Stories)
MIKE: Home stretch, guys.
CROW: Shouldn't that slash be another 6?
SERVO: Would you mind very much not using the words "slash" and "Marrissa"
anywhere near each other?
CROW: Don't worry - that's one shuddering idea not even *Stephen* would try!
>Date: 6 Mar 1998 19:48:46 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Lines: 163
>Message-ID: <6dpjuu$kum@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: europa.cs.runet.edu
SERVO: [announcer] Coming to you *live*, from Jupiter's moon!
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Part: 6/6
>
>Epilogue
>
> It was a bright and cheerful day at Star Fleet Academy's
>horse track, otherwise known as Academy Downs.
MIKE: At least it *was* cheerful, until Lori Petty showed up, shouting
"Go, baby, go!"
> The four year-old
>race had just finished,
CROW: ...And everyone had sore butts from sitting on those cheap seats for
four years.
> and there was a break before the running
>of the two year old race was to begin.
MIKE: And the babies are being brought out of the nursery now...
> It was the fourth of six
>races that day which would conclude with the three year old race.
SERVO: So, if the two year old race is the fourth race, and the three
year old race is the sixth race, and a train leaves Chicago at 3:15 PM
with Melissa Etheridge, then what do I have in my pocket?
> But it was the Star Fleet Invitational for two year-olds that
>held the attention of everyone.
MIKE: There's a Kids' Crew joke here somewhere if I could just put my
finger on it...
> Not only had the winner of this
>race gone on to win at least one Triple Crown race for the past
>five years, but today it was a match between the sons of a pair
>of horses that had made the race exciting three years ago.
CROW: Uh-oh. Ratliff's adding backstory. That's a bad sign.
SERVO: Have we read that one yet?
MIKE: No. I'm sure that I'd remember a Ratliff story that had a horse
race as a major plot point.
>Vulcan's Glory and Insignia had raced neck and neck wire to wire
SERVO: Were they face to face?
CROW: Did the jockeys live from day to day?
MIKE: Was the traffic to the track bumper to bumper?
>with Vulcan's Glory winning by a nose. Now Loin at the Helm from
>Kirk Stables
MIKE: And never was a horse more appropriately named.
> and Shield of Stars would be facing each other for
>the first time.
> It was also Isabelle Picard's first race in two years.
>She'd taken a break after placing in the Belmont Stakes to have
>and raise her son, but she'd found that she missed the races.
MIKE: Going to the off-track betting parlor just wasn't the same for her
as actually being in the park.
CROW: Besides, her two-year old son was now eligible for a commission
in Starfleet, so he could fend for himself.
>Marie had encouraged her return to racing, and even her father
>had surprised her with his words of support. She'd never really
>gotten along with her father, but since little Rene was born and
>Captain Picard had talked to him, her father seemed to take a lot
>more pride her, as if he finially realized how much she meant to
>him.
CROW: [Marie's dad] This girl's my meal ticket! I better pretend to
tolerate her presence.
> This was also the last race for the Klingon jockey who had
>welcomed her to racing in her first Star Fleet Invitation some
>three years ago, Korrath.
CROW: Somehow, I just have trouble picturing a Klingon jockey.
SERVO: [Klingon] The next person who ridicules my pink satin outift
shall receive a b'atleth where the galaxy don't shine!
> He would be ridding Glorious Kah'Less
>into battle for the last time.
SERVO: Meanwhile, everyone else would be racing horses.
> Following this race he would be
>handing over the reigns to his son Garrath or perhaps his
>daughter Be'hara depending on who was better.
MIKE: They'd be fighting a duel to the death to decide.
> He would be
>becoming the Klingon Embassy's trainer. Isabelle would miss his
>wit in the weight room.
MIKE: Oh yeah, that's what Klingons are known for. Their sparkling sense
of humor.
CROW: [Korrath] So I chopped his limbs off and burned them in front of him,
haw haw haw!!!
SERVO: [Korrath] How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Ferengi have no honor. Get it?!? LAUGH, YOU P'TAKH!!!
>
> Up in the box, Marie sat with her five year old daughter
>Theresa beside her. Marie was dressed in her Sunday best.
SERVO: Her "Sunday best"? What the Sam Scratch is *that* supposed to
look like?
MIKE: (radio announcer): Join us next time for another exciting episode of
"Reading Ratliff's Mind".
CROW: (Madge): Sloppy writing? You're soaking in it.
>Theresa was wearing a cute little blue sun dress and a wide
>brimmed straw hat. On her other side sat Philippe Boucher in top
>hat and tails, his almost two year old grandson sitting in his
>lap in a cute dark blue sailor suit with a red tie that he kept
>messing with.
MIKE: So even in the 24th century, it's still 1887?
> Marrissa sat in front of them with Jay beside
>them. The both wore their dress uniforms, as expected of Star
>Fleet Officers attending this event, Marrissa's the red of
>Command, and Jay's the yellow of
CROW: The streak down his back.
> Operations and Engineering.
> "Who are you going for, Marrissa,"Jay asked.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Me, of course. What did you expect?
> "Shield of Stars, of course," Marrissa replied, smiling.
CROW: I just love the feeling of having a big horse between my...
[Mike picks up Crow and throws him against the theater wall.]
>"This is the Stargazer Stable's owner's box."
SERVO: Retain box and original packing materials for later reference.
CROW: [picking himself up] What the Harold Hecuba was *that* for?
MIKE: Sorry. Nervous tic.
> "True," Jay replied smiling back.
> "Mommy," little Rene suddenly shouted as he spotted his
>mother leading her horse on the big monitor on the other side of
>the tracks above the Cadet Stands.
CROW: No! The race is on the track! Get off the monitor!
SERVO: Yes, Rene, you've finally driven her away.
> Everyone looked at the toddler who was staring at the
>monitor as they introduced the horses and their jockeys over the
>speakers.
CROW: Take a good look, kid - she's heading for Coral Gables.
> "In the first gate will be Shield of Stars out of the
>Kentucky Derby winning Insignia from Stargazer Stables ridden by
>the second year jockey, Isabelle Boucher Picard."
MIKE: [field announcer] Isabelle here is fleeing her stultifying home and
family, her son Rene having driven her to a life of quiet
desperation!
> The picture switched to a Vulcan leading a mahogany colored
>stallion. The little boy cried out, "Mommy gone."
SERVO: That's right, and she left because of you.
>"She'll be back after the race, Rene," his grandfather said.
MIKE: Just long enough to get her things.
>
> "In the second gate is Lion at the Helm out of the Preakness
>winning Vulcan's Glory.
SERVO: Say, that's quite a long name for a horse.
CROW: Considering it's from Kirk's stables, maybe it should've been Rug on
the Head...
MIKE: Or Paunch over the Belt...
SERVO: Or Hooker is a Good Cop...
> He'll be ridden by the veteran jockey
>Zarok,"
MIKE: The Dinosaur Hunter?
> the announcer said. "In gate three, the retiring jockey
>Karrath, son of Lomec
CROW: Huh? What's that, Carnac, son of Lompoc?
> rides Glorious Kah'Less from the Klingon
>Embassy Stables. In gate four is Father to the Man ridden by
>Frankie ..."
SERVO: [Sinatra] Dat's right, baby! You gotta problem with dat?
*Doobie-doobie-doooooo...*
CROW: So sad he's finally gone.
MIKE: Even sadder - the only real Rat Packer left is *Joey Bishop*.
> "Interesting field," Jay commented. "I didn't know we had
>so many non-human jockeys."
CROW: Oh yeah! You should have been here last week - we had three wombats
and an armadillo entered.
> "The Klingons have been trying to win the Triple Crown since
>they signed the Kitomer Accords and established an embassy in San
>Francisco," Marrissa said.
MIKE: In fact, it was the sole reason they signed the treaty.
> "They have yet to win a Triple Crown
>race, but they keep trying.
MIKE: They had a good chance two years ago, but then the Klingons
started firing their disrupters at the other horses...
CROW: Besides, them horses is good eating!
> Personally, I thought Bat'leth had a
>good chance last year, but Orient Express came out of no where in
>the Derby, and Bat'leth couldn't keep up with that pace and
>strained himself so much that he wasn't able to race until after
>the Belmont."
CROW: And this is important because?
SERVO: Horses are our friends.
> At that point they noticed the last of the horses had been
>placed in the gates. The bell rang and the announcer began his
>call, "And they're off. Loin at the Helm leads out of the gate
>with Shield of Stars on the outside. Glorious Kah'Less pulls
>along the outside as they pass the quarter pole and head into the
>turn.
MIKE: And in last place by forty lengths I believe it is, yes it is,
Feeeeeeeeeitlebauuuuuuuuuuuuum!!!
> Father to the Man is fourth with Old Time's Sake coming up
>fast on the inside, but the front three are pulling away as they
>enter the backstretch.
CROW: Car number 7, *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzoom*! Car number 4, *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzoom*!
Oops, wrong race!
> Kah'Less takes the lead from Lion, but
>Shield continues to move up on the inside, passing Lion as well.
CROW: Lily St. Cyr showing plenty, College Girl and College Boy are
neck'n'neck...
> Lion moves to the outside as they head into the finial turn.
>Shield and Kah'Less are neck and neck. Old Time's Sake leads
>Father to the Man, in fourth.
MIKE: Kidney Stone is passing...
> Down the stretch they come,
SERVO: It's Girdle in the stretch - HARF! HARF! HARF!
>Kah'Less leads for the moment but here comes Shield of Stars,
MIKE: And Mother-in-Law is moving in again.
CROW: NO NO, NOT THAT!!!!
> his
>jockey uses her whip once and Shield takes on an explosive burst
>of speed, leaving Kah'Less to fight with Lion at the Helm for
>second.
CROW: And here comes the winnerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
> Shield of Stars crosses the line with a full length's
>lead. Kah'Less places ahead of Lion at the Helm. Father to the
>Man comes in fourth..."
ALL: Feeeeeeeeeitlebauuuuuuuuuuuuum!!!
SERVO: You do realize, of course, we just got more action out of a horse
race than we generally get from one of Steve's battle scenes!
CROW: Well, think about it, Servo - what is calling a horse race but a long
repetitive recitation of names and ranks?
> "It appears that we get to congratulate Isabelle," Jay
>remarked.
> "I believe so," Marrissa said. "Who's representing the
>owners today, Aunt Marie?"
CROW: Yes. Aunt Marie is representing the owners.
> "You are," Marie replied. "Mike is the trainer, and your
>father is the other owner of the stables."
> "Great, another interview," Marrissa grumbled.
> "Just let Isabelle answer most of the questions," Jay
>advised.
CROW: [Marrissa] What was that?
MIKE: [Jay] I-I-I- that is, um, y'see...
> "She is definitely the family star in this event.
SERVO: [Philippe] Yeah, just wait until that lens-louse Marrissa sees
those cameras, then you'll see different.
>
> After the race, Jay escorted Marrissa back to her quarters
>on the Stargazer by way of a family dinner at the Admiralty's in
>house restaurant.
SERVO: Jay even sprung for supersizing the combo!
> Both of the little children had been
>surprisingly well behaved,
MIKE: Marrissa had drugged them into stupefaction.
> although Theresa had been a little too
>talkative. But then again Theresa loved horses and a day at the
>races was bound to excite her.
CROW: I'm not saying anything on this one, either.
> "Good night Marrissa," Jay said at her door. "I hope I'll
>see you sometime soon." He drew his good friend into a romantic
>kiss.
SERVO: Marrissa waited patiently for the pair to finish before saying
goodbye.
> When it ended, Marrissa said goodnight and retreated into
>her quarters. Jay sighed and turned to leave.
MIKE: He'd be a lonely boy yet again.
CROW: [Jay] Well, I survived that pretty much intact - now to gargle
with deuterium slush!
> As he began to walk down the corridor towards the turbolift,
>Captain Washington exited her quarters and called, "Lieutenant,
>may I have a word with you?"
MIKE: [Washington] It's been a week since the horse race, and I need to
know when she plans to bathe again.
> He turned towards her and said, "Yes Captain."
> "You are aware of the opening on the Stargazer
CROW: [Jay] Yes, sir. A big gaping hole. Crew and equipment are constantly
being sucked out into the vacuum of space. We really should do
something about it, sir.
> for a Fighter
>Commander and Second Officer," Captain T'Gwen Washington began.
>Jay nodded. "I've been looking at your record and I think you'd
>be an ideal one."
SERVO: [Washington] You look pretty expendable.
> "How so, sir," Jay responded. "I haven't flown since I
>became Chief of Operations on the Independence."
CROW: I mean, I just can't find a good supplier at the JAG office.
There's no one there who has the goodies that Alexander had...
> "Commander Picard tells me that flying is a skill that you
>never forget," Washington said. "You have an excellent record,
>and unlike Lieutenant Jellico you have command experience.
MIKE: Even though about half of it consisted of wresting power from a
wounded man in a stranded elevator at age 11.
>You've worked well with Commander Picard in the past and we don't
>have time to iron out personality conflicts."
CROW: And since Jay has no personality to begin with, he's ideal!
> "It sounds like you are in a rush to fill the position," Jay
>commented.
SERVO: She'd almost *have* to be!
> "Yes," Captain Washington confirmed. "We ship out in two
>days to join the seventh fleet."
MIKE: [Film narrator] Their destination - Midway!
> "Well I'm not exactly satisfied with my current post at the
>JAG Office," Jay said. "And I just finished the last of the
>classes I came back to the Academy to take. So if you can get
>approval for my transfer aboard, I'd be delighted to take the
>post."
SERVO: After all, Marrissa can't live *forever*, can she? *CAN SHE*?!?!?
> "I'll start work on the paperwork immediately," Captain
>Washington said. "Welcome aboard, Lieutenant."
CROW: [Washington] Sucker!!
MIKE: And may God have mercy on your soul. . .
> "One thing, Captain," Jay said. "Don't let Marrissa know
>until I report in officially. I like to surprise her every once
>in a while."
> "Understood," Washington concluded, turning back into her
>quarters.
SERVO: AHHH!!! Washington's a founder!!
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>sratliff@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>
>The ASC Awards run 2/15/98 - 3/25/98
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
>
>"The path of the prophets sometimes leads into darkness and pain."
> -DS9's "Far Beyond the Stars"
SERVO: [Singing] It's a fine line between darkness and pain...
CROW: So, the moral of the story is, "If you don't like Marrissa, then
you're a sociopath who's obviously unfit for leadership, or
remaining among his fellow members of society?"
MIKE: Pretty much, yeah.
SERVO: Let's just go!
[All leave]
o +2+ -3- (4) {5} [6]
[SoL - Mike & the Bots are gathered on the Bridge. There is a long moment
of silence.]
SERVO: So, then.
MIKE: Well.
CROW: Um-hm.
[Another pause]
CROW: That was IT!? I thought Steve promised us Marrissa was gonna
fail! Didn't he? Cambot, replay intro, 225B, third section.
CAMBOT:
>I wrote "The Walls of Jellico" after trying to come up with problems
>that Marrissa could see herself as causing. One of the biggest
>weeknesses of the Marrissa Stories has always been that Marrissa seems
>to be all powerful and never is wrong, or even thinks she's wrong.
>This, I hope, will change that.
CROW: There, you see? So where's her big failure? I want to see Marrissa
go kerflop right on her maniacal, pompous butt.
SERVO: We all do, but Ratliff never promised us a big failure.
CROW: Wha--?
MIKE: Read the fine print, Crow. It doesn't say anything about failure,
only that she'd be wrong.
CROW: So where was she wrong? I didn't even see that.
MIKE: Well, uh...
SERVO: I think I can help out here. Cambot, 3769F, first section, please.
CAMBOT:
> "I had such hopes for Jellico," Marrissa said. "He was an
>excellent pilot with excellent ratings across the board. If he
>would have just learnt that there is a limit to everything he
>could have been an excellent commanding officer. I hate it when
>I fail with an officer."
SERVO: You see? There's your failure.
CROW: What failure? She was supposed to have some kind of ESP that an
officer with impeccable credentials was actually a weasely little
chump?
MIKE: Well, technically speaking...
CROW: Oh, technically, schmechnically; the fact of the matter is, nothing
that went wrong in this story was Marrissa's fault. She's guilty
only in the sense that she was done in by the incompetence of a
subordinate. Ratliff ripped us off, the louse!
SERVO: Well, nice to see you're not bitter about it.
[Console light flashes]
MIKE: Hey, we got a call comin' in on the Hexfield Viewscreen.
[The Screen parts to reveal Paul Chaplin, dressed in a Starfleet uniform]
ALL: HENRY JELLICO?!??
JELLICO: [very antagonistic tones] Yes, Henry Jellico - the "weasly little
chump", remember?
CROW: What are you doing here?
JELLICO: I found out you were talking about me, and I came to defend myself.
SERVO: *Defend* yourself?
JELLICO: That's right!! Why, the way you and that, that, *peasant* writer
portrayed me, you'd think I was some kind of moral and physical
coward who'd do anything to promote himself at any cost!
CROW: Gee, imagine that!
MIKE: Now I suppose you're going to tell us you'd have gotten away with it
if it weren't for those meddling kids, right?
JELLICO: Oh, sure, mock Jellico!!! Fine!! The truth of the matter is that
I was tricked into confessing! I was framed, Nelson!! Framed, I
tell you!
CROW: Oh, give me a-
JELLICO: It's true! Look, even if I was guilty, do you think I, a seasoned
Star Fleet Officer, would cave in just because I was confronted with
a snotty teenager like that Gordon brat?
SERVO: He's got a point, Mike.
MIKE: [takes a half step forward] Look, Henr-
JELLICO: [Crouches back in terror] AAAAAHHHHHH!!! Stop it! The - the sheer
hatred burning in those eyes!! The relentless questioning!! It's
ripping my soul apart!! I can't take it anymore!! I confess!! I
confess!! Just don't let him get me!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
CROW: Hey, back off, Nelson!
SERVO: Yeah, ya big bully!
MIKE: [raises his arms to shrug] But all I did was-
JELLICO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU FIEND!!!!! NO MORE!!! PLEASE!!!
NO MORE!!!!!! [Hexfield closes on his whimpers and screams]
CROW: Gee, you want us to bring you a rubber hose now, Torquemada?!?
SERVO: Destroying whole worlds wasn't enough for you, huh? Now you gotta
go after poor innocent sociopathic killers like Jellico!
CROW: How do you sleep at night, Nelson?
[Crow and Servo wander off, muttering deprecations. Mike raises his arms in
puzzlement]
MIKE: Well, since they're gone, I guess I'll have to tell you: To sign up
on the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail message to
majordomo@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message "subscribe
dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body. Oh, and read the FAQ,
and don't work blue, yaddayaddayadda. [Mike continues to wave his
arms as the lights flash] Hey, Ortega, you don't think I'm a scary
guy, do you, ol' buddy?
[CF]
[Ortega screams incoherently and flees from the room]
[There is nothing there for a long moment, then we hear the familiar *pop*
of Observer transporting in. He & Pearl are covered with wind-up spiders.
Bobo stand blithely in the background, playing with what the same monkey
doll, only with a fake big head attached]
OBSERVER: Well - that trip could have gone better
PEARL: Well, at least we didn't drop a bundle at the track. [Surveys spiders
with disgust] But how're gonna get these stupid bugs off of us?
OBSERVER: Well, the best way would be with soda of dichlorium sulfate.
Tragically, I lost my last bottle when Mr.Graceful there tripped
over those eggsacs and let these blasted creatures out in the
first place!!
BOBO: [stroking the doll] I was chasing Little Oook - you upset him!
OBSERVER: In any case, I think the next best remedy is iodine. There's
some in the bathroom, I think.
PEARL: Come on, then. [To Bobo] Booboo, pick up a little around here and
quit mollycoddling that - that thing!
BOBO: His name is Oook! I found him, and I'm going to keep him! Aren't I,
little Oook? Oook oook oook! [He wanders off]
PEARL: Well, the ape's gone off into his own little weird area. [Looks up]
Nelson? What the *heck* are you waving your arms around like that
for?!? Talk about *weird*!
OBSERVER: Never mind him, let's go get that iodine!
PEARL: Yeah. Later, birdboy! [To Brain Guy] Did you think that one guy
looked like that one guy from "Friends"?
OBSERVER: David Duchovny?
PEARL: No, the other one, um, wassisname, Noah Wylie or something...
[AS they leave, a large spidery looking thing rises on a string. It stares
into the camera for a minute, and we hear a maniacal chuckle as the camera
fades to black. It holds on the black for just a moment, as we hear, over
the chuckling]
BOBO: Hey Lawgiver, do you know where the Black Flag is??
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"THE WALLS OF JELLICO": by Stephen Ratliff
MiSTING: by Bill Livingston (bill@Traveller.COM), editor; Matt Blackwell
(mblackwl@ix.netcom.com); and Kevin Gowen (kgowen@efn.org), with
additonal riffs by The Great Popolino (popalino@pop1.nettaxi.com)
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED: by Michael K. Neylon
MR. NEYLON'S WARDROBE: by Botany 500
IN THE SWEET: by and by
SABRINA: the teenage witch
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Diane Duane, Berke
Brethed, RATMMistresses, and that one guy - you know, *him*!
Star Trek The Next Generation and all related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) Viacom. All rights reserved. All hail the Mountain
Kings!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Aadgka!
Stephen Ratliff is (c) Mr. & Mrs. Ratliff. All rights reserved. No clones
of Stephen Ratliff may be made without the prior written consent of Mr.
& Mrs. Ratliff and Major League Baseball.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material and characters is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. This is your final notice.
Remember - Warp Five: It's not just a bad idea, it's the law!
Keep circulating the posts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Something about the determined vestige of the fourteen
>year old Lieutenant reflected the doom that Jellico felt back
>onto his soul.
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