The Seventh Fleet
MiSTed by:
TV's WereTorgo
Karen Kallestad
Tom Currie
Petera Mitchell
Tv's Francis
Brian Dubic
Satya
Jim Whaley
Glazed McGuffin Man (Steven Bateman)
In the not-too-distant future
Way down in Deep 13
Dr. Forrester
And Tv's Frank
Were hatching an Evil Scheme
They found a janitor named Joel
Just a regular fellow, somewhat droll
Their experiment needed a good test case
So they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into space... (get me down!!!!!!)
"We're sending him awful fanfics
The worst
We have read(la la la)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
Or else he won't get fed."
Now keep in mind
He can't control
When the story begins or ends
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends!"
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT (Elusive fellow)
GYPSY (What's with Basehart?)
TOM SERVO (Sarcastic little--)
CRO-O-O-O-W! (Nutball!)
If you're wondering how he lives and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Just repeat to yourself:
It's just a show
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Fanfic Theater: 3000!
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[SOL. CROW and SERVO are in each others faces.]
JOEL: Oh, hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. You caught
us at an awkward time... see, both Crow and Tom are avid fans
of comedies from the thirties, aren't we all, and the inevitable
argument has just popped up--
CROW: [to SERVO] Yes, of course, but they only had TWO members, which
certainly reduces potentials!
SERVO: Yes, but they're MUCH more experienced than *your* pet band of
hoodlums, and their characters are MUCH more true to life!
CROW: But tell me, smarty pants, why they couldn't possibly sustain a
seven reel film!? Could it be because [in a mocking tone of voice]
they're too WEAK to stay in the ring?
SERVO: Oh, and *your* little pet friends could?! What about those dreary
little numbers they made with MGM!?
CROW: You *know* it's because MGM toned them down!
SERVO: Ah-HA! Then how come when MGM took over Laurel and Hardy nothing
changed!?
CROW: The Marx Brothers would win in a fight to the death, pure and
simple.
JOEL: [interjecting, to camera] It's the Big Debate: "Who would win in
a fight to the death, Laurel and Hardy or the Marx Brothers."
SERVO: You wish! Hardy could take Harpo *and* Chico! Groucho would just
run away!
CROW: Not if he was in a Paramount picture, he wouldn't!
SERVO: But he isn't!
CROW: [childishly] Yes he is!
SERVO: [childishly] No he's not!
CROW: Is too!
SERVO: Is not!
CROW: IS TOO!
SERVO: [enjoying it] Is not!
CROW: [crying] Joel, Joel! Make Servo stop!
JOEL: How about if you two compromise? Let the Marx Brothers be in their
Paramount years, [CROW looks at SERVO triumphantly] but in return we'll
put Laurel and Hardy in their vintage Hal Roach years.
CROW: WHAT!?
[SERVO snickers]
CROW: Oh well, it doesn't matter! Harpo could still take Laurel on!
SERVO: Yes, but Hardy could dismember Chico *and* Groucho!
CROW: What about Zeppo? Huh?
SERVO: Hey, no fair! He doesn't count!
CROW: Ha-ha, sucker... it's a Paramount film, after all!
SERVO: [crying] Joel, make it fair! Crow has four and all I have are
two!
JOEL: Well... how about if we add Curly Howard to your team?
CROW: [at the same time as SERVO] No FAIR!
SERVO: [at the same time as CROW] All right!
JOEL: [as yellow light flashes] We'll be right back. [hits the light]
[commercials]
[ SOL. CROW and SERVO are offscreen. JOEL is behind the desk, reading "Harpo Speaks."
In the background one can hear both "Horse Feathers" and "Pardon Us." As JOEL reads quietly,
the BOTS begin to argue again. ]
CROW: Now, just *look* at that editing... or lack of same. The Marx Brothers would be running
circles around those pansies!
SERVO: Ah-HA! But look at all those jumpcuts! Either the Marx Brothers were edited by a blind
first-grader, or some "fan" decided to cut this scene up!
CROW: Shut up! At least it means that people actually *wanted* to watch this movie. Even in an
era of the Hays Code!
SERVO: Oh, bite me.
[Silence, save for the movies.]
CROW: Actually... that Laurel is pretty funny.
[Red light begins flashing. JOEL, not looking up from his book, smacks the button.]
[Deep 13. DR. F is center screen.]
DR. F: Well, hello, Joel T. Humphinbouchin. I hope you have an Invention for us?
[SOL. CROW and SERVO have both stopped watching their movies, and are behind the desk with
JOEL. JOEL is holding a contraption, which appears to be a Game Gear, connected to a wire,
which is plugged into John Grisham's "The Pelican Brief."]
JOEL: Of course we do. Our invention for this week is, well, an amusment piece. See, I was
partaking in a reading of John Grisham's "The Pelican Brief," and I suddenly realized
that, well, this is crap. And I thought that many Americans felt the same way about him
and many of his peers. So I, with the help of my friends, designed this
"AuthorReplacementer 5000." See, [he picks up the Game Gear] this gadget can tell the
author by his or her writing style-
CROW: Or lack of same!
JOEL: And instantly project what the author would face if they were in ancient Greece.
CROW: Back when they still respected Art!
JOEL: So, I plugged in a copy of "The Pelican Brief," now let's see... [pushes several buttons
on the Game Gear. He watches the screen and begins laughing] See, it seems they've
sacrificed him to Apollo!
CROW: Oooh, ooh ooh, my turn! I'm going to go with a copy of Tom Clancy's latest rightwing
Red Scare book, "Politika." Joel, if you will? [JOEL plugs in "Politika" where "The
Pelican Brief" used to be, and hits some buttons. CROW watches and laughs at the
result.] Oooh, seems like our friend Mister Clancy has been struck down by Zeus, as a
punishment for going against the will of the gods! It's a riot!
SERVO: [to CROW] Yes, I know. [to camera] I decided to try a different route, and selected
Dalton Trumbo's excellent classic, "Johnny Got His Gun." Joel? [JOEL loads the book and
pushes the buttons. SERVO looks and nods] Yes, just as I thought. They made Mister
Trumbo an honorary scribe, Athena's left hand man! See? It works!
JOEL: So what do you think, sirs?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Mmmm... interesting... but, not half as fascinating as ours... Frank, if you will?
[FRANK comes in from offscreen. He is carrying what appears to be a camcorder and VCR in one.]
FRANK: I designed this latest invention... see, I was wondering, what if Freddy and Jason were
to appear together in a movie that *wasn't* controlled by Hollywoods' big budget
titans.
DR. F: In other words, if they were to actually appear together in a RELEASED movie.
FRANK: Exactly. So I invented the CrossProjector. See, just grab a copy of the classic "Friday
the 13th Part 8, Jason Takes Manhatten" [he puts that tape in the VCR] and the timeless
"Nightmare on Elm Street, Part Three: The Dream Warriors." [puts that tape in the
camcorder] And look! [he looks into the viewfinder] [a pause] See? They killed each
other within four minutes! And Heather Langenkamp is nothing more than a
quivering, twitching, poorly-acted bloody mess! Wonderful!
DR. F: Yes, charming. [to JOEL] Well, time for Deep Hurting.
[SOL]
JOEL: Another Gamera movie?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Worse than that.
[SOL]
JOEL: Manos II?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Worse...
[SOL]
JOEL: You couldn't mean...?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: A Ratliff Marrissa fic? But of course, my dear. I wish you, and your sanity, the best of
luck. [to FRANK] Push the button, Franky.
[SOL, lights flashing]
CROW: [to camera] Say, could we see that CrossProwhozat for this Ratliff thing?
JOEL: It only works on horror movies! WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATER]
>
> The Seventh Fleet
SERVO: Seven is a number used often in the Bible. Could it be that Ratliff is
in fact making a serious statement about how Star Trek seems to shy away
from organized religion?
JOEL: Mmmm... no.
>
> Cast in order of appearance:
Joel: Red Alert! Brace for Ratliff Introductions!
>
> Rear-Admiral Jean-Luc Picard Commanding USS Enterprise
> Commanding Third Fleet
SERVO: Three, as in the Trinity. I really believe that Steve-o is writing a
veiled commentary on how religious matters are being shoved to the side or
even negatively portrayed in Trek!
JOEL: I don't think so.
SERVO: No, really! This fanfic will be a symbolic battle between the
religously faithful and the secular majority!
JOEL: I don't think so.
SERVO: Are the believers the bad guys for their fanatical intolerance for a
world without open religion? Or is it the secularists who are evil, for
imposing a system where individualism is undesirable and matters of faith
are hidden?
JOEL: I don't think so.
SERVO: I'm deluding myself, aren't I?
JOEL: I think so.
> Lt. Clara Sutter Junior Assistant Chief Engineer, USS Enterprise
CROW: This sounds like a Dilbert title.
JOEL: She was just promoted from Senior Assistant Secondary Chief Engineer in training.
> Lt. Cdr Marrissa Picard First Officer, USS Stargazer
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High
Admiral of Star Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity....
SERVO: So apparently there were no officers on the USS Stargazer before this fanfic?
JOEL: Yes, actually.
> Lt. Jay Gordon Second Officer, USS Stargazer
> Lt. Ross Lochard Chief of Security, USS Stargazer
CROW: Not a very good one if he lets little girls run around on the bridge.
> Lt. Katherine Lochard Assistant Fighter Commander, USS Stargazer
> Cpt. Sinclair Commanding, USS Armageddon
> Lt. Virginia Szustakowski Chief Engineer, USS Stargazer
> Jacqueline "Jackie" Picard Marrissa's sister (age 2)
SERVO: ...and Commanding Officer, USS Deep Hurting.
CROW: I see JFK's widow remarried *again*. Sheesh, and her name just keeps getting weirder,
too.
> Dr. Beverly Picard Mother of Jackie
JOEL: And good for nothing else.
CROW: In the Ratliffverse, any married female over 40 without "command" or "typing" skills
is officially demoted to "baby factory."
> Tom Cox The babysitter
JOEL: He had the title role in "Don't Tell Mom, Tom Cox is Dead."
> Rene Picard, jr Son of Isabelle and the late Rene Picard (age 2)
SERVO: Commanding Officer, USS Painful Story.
> Theresa Picard Aunt of Rene Picard, jr (age 5)
CROW: Rene Jr. later commanded a task force of the USS Hideous Fanfic, the
USS Plotless Nonsense, and the USS Big Stinking Load of Crap.
> Lieutenant Williams Chief Engineer, USS Nimitz
> Cpt Greer Commanding, USS Virginia, later USS Nimitz
SERVO: Queer old Captain Greer, commanding the Nimitz.
> Cpt William T. Riker First Officer, USS Enterprise
> Cdr Data Second Officer, USS Enterprise
JOEL: This list isn't enough... anyone have a program?
> Adm Victor Griest Asst Chief of Star Fleet Operations
SERVO: [as list ends] Never has there been a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
CROW: Now THAT's the kind of list we've come to expect from a Ratliff production.
>
> Prologue
SERVO: Oh, God, we're only now just starting.
>
> The Enterprise-E felt empty without the children.
SERVO: No children?
JOEL: Must have been anti-Ratliff gas.
> That was a statement
> that Jean-Luc had never thought he would make. He never wanted a command
> with families; not that the Enterprise-E had as many as the Enterprise-D
> had had.
[silence]
CROW: [whining] My parser hurts!
JOEL: There, there... how about a baby aspirin when we finish?
> However with his own family gone, the ship seemed to be missing
> something.
CROW: Apparently when his wife left him she took the kids *and* the warp core with her.
> He'd sent Beverly, Jackie, and Nicholas to live on Earth for
> the duration of the war.
SERVO: Nicholas ran away to Vegas to drink himself to death, and Jackie's husband was
assassinated by a "lone gunman."
JOEL: One more JFK joke and we hit quota.
> The Rear Admiral had once felt that that a
> starship was no place for children. Without his own, however, he prowled
> the halls of the Enterprise in search of something to
CROW: ...kill and eat.
> fill that hole in his
> life.
SERVO: Unsurprisingly, he found it in hard liquor.
> Just three and a half, almost four, years ago, he would have never done
> this. Then he had met and adopted Marrissa. That young girl had changed
> him more than he would admit.
CROW: After the lobotomy, he was powerless to stop her quest to become
queen of the multiverse.
> He married Beverly Crusher, and together had
> now not one but two children, a cute little two year old girl who knew just
> how to get her way with her father, and a new born baby boy. Beverly
> accused him of spoiling little Jackie,
JOEL: [as Beverly] You keep leaving her outside of the freezer!
SERVO: [as Beverly] And you never seal the plastic bag right!
CROW: [as Jean-Luc, henpecked] I just don't know how to use the Saranwrap, dear.
> but when that little girl looked up
> with her beautiful blue eyes and tossed back a wisp of her strawberry blond
> hair in a gesture that so reminded him of Beverly, he just had to cave in.
SERVO: [sighing] Now if only Marrissa's skull would do that.
> Up ahead was the deck 20 rear observation lounge, a small lounge that was
> a good place to watch the stars go by. It was where he use to
SERVO: USED! USED! LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH!
JOEL: [to SERVO] Now you're just overreacting.
CROW: Yeah, ignore the minor grammar errors and focus on the major plot errors.
SERVO: I just yearn for the days when the atrocious grammar and spelling
distracted me from the sheer pointlessness of it all.
> find
> Marrissa when she was troubled back before she left her post as the
> Enterprise's Chief of Security to become first Fighter Commander, then
> First Officer of the Stargazer.
CROW: A few commas would help... but where?
JOEL: How about "It was where he used to find, Marrissa, when she was a
troubled back, before she left her post as the Enterprise's
Chief of Security to become the first Fighter, Commander, then
First Officer of the Stargazer."
[stunned silence for a second]
SERVO: Joel, please don't ever do that again.
CROW: Yeah, you overloaded my parser worse than Ratliff did.
> He'd stopped there every night since
> Beverly and the children had left.
> This time it wasn't empty though.
SERVO: [as Picard] Who put all these beer kegs in here?
> Clara Sutter, his oldest daughter's
> best friend, was laying on one of the couches,
JOEL: Stoned out of her mind.
> and looking at the stars.
> "Mind if I come in, Clara?" Jean-Luc asked.
CROW: [as Picard] Because, you know, my wife left me and I've been feeling really lonely...
JOEL: Oh, Crow, don't go *there!* Yuck!
> "Come right in Captain," Clara said, knowing his preference for not using
> his full rank unless necessary.
> He took a seat on a nearby chair, and looked at the young lady.
SERVO: [Pe-Pe LePew] Ooooh, if only she spoke French.
> Only
> thirteen years old, and an Assistant Chief Engineer on a starship, the
> Lieutenant had accomplished a lot.
CROW: Oh, come on. They only gave her that rank out of respect for their elders.
> Commander La Forge called her his most
> promising officer, a title he did not bestow often. In fact, since La
> Forge had become Chief Engineer, only Wesley, Ensign Lefler, and Clara had
> been accorded that title. Clara was normally a confident girl, she took to
> the Engine Room like she had been born into it.
SERVO: Well, born *in* it, actually.
> In her element, she was
> unshakable. Tonight however, she didn't look so sure of herself.
JOEL: [as nervous Clara] Gosh, I'd feel a lot better if there was a huge and
nightmarishly complex generator barely containing colossal explosions in
here.
> "Troubled tonight, Clara?" Jean-Luc Picard inquired.
> "Does it show?" Clara asked.
CROW: [as Picard] Of course not, Clara.. a little paint and some curtains, and
it'll be hardly conspicuous.
> "Not really," Picard replied. "It's just that I find the people tend to
> visit this lounge when they need to think."
JOEL: [as smug, godlike Picard] I watch the people now and then. Sometimes
their insignificant actions amuse me.
> "Oh," Clara said. After a moment's silence, she continued. "I guess I am
> a little troubled. I just heard that the Seventh Fleet is going to make an
> attack deep into Cardassian territory."
JOEL: Oh, you know, if little girls know about your operation it's a *good* sign that security
is blown.
> "Worried about your best friend?" Jean-Luc Picard asked.
SERVO: [as Clara] Not really... she IS immortal and all.
> "A little," Clara said. "I mean Marrissa's gotten in and out of battles
> before, but we're at war now, and before I've always been right there.
CROW: [as Clara] Cowering in the corner.
> I've never had to wonder how she was doing."
SERVO: [as Clara] Usually her ego was so large I could pick it up on a
tricorder in a different star system.
> "I'm worried about her too," Jean-Luc Picard said. "I keep telling myself
> that she's a big girl now, First Officer of her starship. She can take
> care of herself.
JOEL: [as Picard, read as poetry] That it's her party, and she can cry if she wants to, cry
if she wants to, cry if she wants to.
CROW: In all fairness, you would cry too if it happened to you.
> Then I keep remembering how she was that first month
> after I adopted her, when ever comment put her in tears.
CROW: [as Picard] God, I hate teenagers.
> I remember every
> time she got hurt, and my mind starts imagining what could be happening too
> her.
SERVO: [Picard] It makes me feel all tingly and warm inside.
> But I have to put that aside.
JOEL: [as Picard] Fun can wait.
> I am a starship Captain. I have a
> ship and a fleet to command. I can worry about her latter."
CROW: [as Picard] I'm pretty confident about her former, but her latter keeps
me up at nights.
> "So you do your duties during the day, and end up haunting the ship at
> night," Clara summarized.
JOEL: [as Picard] Yeah... until Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd started shooting me with proton
packs...
> Rear Admiral Picard nodded and they lapsed back into silence.
SERVO: For those of you too stupid to follow the lack of action in this sequence, we
provide this convenient summary. Of nothing.
> He turned
> toward the window, and for awhile, the two watched the stars streak by as
> the Enterprise patrolled.
>
> Chapter One
CROW: Audience: zero.
>
> The bridge of the Stargazer was in pretty good condition, all things
> considered.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] What's this NPR crap? I want to hear 'Mmmmbop', and I want it
now!
> After all they were in battle, and the fleet they were part of
> had been reduced from 114 to less than twenty. So the blackened Ops
> console, and the shattered panel next to the Captain's Chair was to be
> expected.
JOEL: [as Captain] The maid hasn't cleaned yet, sorry about the mess.
CROW: Ahh, just throw a few throw pillows here and there, you'll never know the difference!
> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard was in command, since
> Captain T'Gwen Washington had been taken to Sickbay. Lieutenant Ross
> Lochard was at tactical, his wife Kathy was at the helm.
CROW: His fourth cousin Billy Bob was at the engineering station.
> The Second
> Officer, Lieutenant Jay Gordon held the Fighter Command station, but was
> functioning as Operations Officer.
SERVO: [yawning] Fascinating.
JOEL: [as Ratliff] ...And they were all introducing themselves to each other.
> "Kathy, hard to port, Ross, fire torpedoes, 32 mark 5, now" Marrissa
> ordered. "Jay, fleet status."
CROW: Oh poopie. A Ratliff battle scene.
JOEL: Well, at least we can get some rest from the normal fast pace of the
fanfic.
> "The Kennedy had just been destroyed,"
JOEL: [as Jay] The torpedoes came from the Grassy Knoll Nebula, sir!
> Jay announced. "We've still got
> the Armageddon,
SERVO: Bruce Willis,
> the Hikura,
SERVO: Japan,
> the Hermes,
SERVO: Mount Olympus,
> the Virginia,
SERVO: Fat, dumb cops,
> the Rabin,
SERVO: Edger Allen Poe with a headcold,
[JOEL and CROW turn and begin to stare at SERVO]
> the
> Churchill,
SERVO: Some jerk named Winston,
> the Majestic,
SERVO: Stupid Adjectives for Starship Names.
> the Kentucky,
SERVO: Stephen's horse fetish shining through,
> the Paris,
SERVO: France,
> the Devin,
SERVO: Satan, furious of the mis-spelling of his alias,
> the Nimitz,
SERVO: Captain Valadez,
> the Pike,
SERVO: Fish
> the Sullivans
SERVO: The pelvis of Elvis
> and us.
SERVO: No comment.
JOEL: [to SERVO] I think you're losing it, pard.
CROW: [as Jay] Meanwhile, three more ships were destroyed during that lengthy report.
> The enemy forces have been reduced to 30
> ships."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] What are their names?
> "What's the kill score?" Ross asked.
> "101 them, 134 us," Jay said.
> "I'd say we were willing if it weren't for the number left," Ross
JOEL: Eh?
CROW: At least Ratliff's back to his usual level of incoherency.
> commented as the Stargazer made another pass on a Jem'Hadar ship.
SERVO: Hey, Jemmie-baby, nice nacelles! Wanna go to a quiet nebula somewhere for a
little anti-matter? Maybe we could link structural integrity fields later... hey
Jemmie, where are you going?
> "Jay, who is in command of the fleet?" Marrissa asked.
JOEL: Duhh... Marrissa, think carefully: You Marrissa. This Ratliff fanfic.
> "No one has sent any orders since Captain Thompson and the Harriman were
> destroyed,"
CROW: [as Jay] So we've pretty much just sat around and let the Jem'Hadar pick
us off.
> Jay said. "Why, do you have a plan to get us out of here?"
SERVO: [as Marrissa] No, but this seems like the perfect time to make myself
a Fleet Commander.
> "I'm working on one," Marrissa said. "How far apart are the two stars in
> this system?"
> "Point two A.U.s," Jay replied.
> "Perfect," Marrissa smiled. "Open a secure channel to all Star Fleet
> Vessels."
> "Channel open," Jay replied.
> "This is Picard of the Stargazer,"
JOEL: Just "Picard"? Not using a single one of her three dozen titles?
SERVO: I think it's like Prince. In the next fanfic she'll be represented by unpronounceable
ascii art.
> Marrissa began. "I think I can get us
> out of here. Any objections?"
CROW: [as a crew member] Yeah, I want to stay here and get killed.
JOEL: [as a crew member] I call dibs on being taken prisoner and tortured!
> After a brief pause, a response came in, "This is Captain Sinclair of the
> Armageddon, if you've got a way out, we'll take it. However, I have lost
> warp drive."
SERVO: [to JOEL] I didn't know humans had warp drive in the first place.
JOEL: [uneasily] Well, ahh, lemme tell you about the "birds, the bees, and Stephen Ratliff."
Later on, though.
> "All ships, send a status report," Marrissa ordered.
ALL: [in unison] All ships getting whupped, sir!
> "Virginia,
> Churchill, Majestic, break off and set your sites on a the ship designated
> target Gamma Four. Armageddon,
CROW: [as Marrissa, deadpan] Yippey-kai-yea, motherfu--
JOEL: [warningly] Crow, don't make me wash your mouth out with WD-40 next break.
> draw the fire off those three and lead them
> towards the Kentucky. Pike, Sullivans, converge on the Kentucky. Stand by
> for further orders."
SERVO: [as Marrissa, ordering] Oh, and Jay, stand by to give tongue bath.
> Marrissa turned back towards Jay and said, "I'm going to need Lieutenant
> Szustakowski on the Bridge. She has some experience with shield linking
> and warp field theory was her Engineering concentration."
JOEL: How will linking panty shields help the situation?
CROW: Well, the deluxe models have wings, and a "new, improved barrier"
for extra protection.
> "She's on her way," Jay informed. "It appears that our only problem of
> immediate concern on the fleet is the Armageddon's warp drive."
CROW: Ignoring the thirty enemy ships, of course.
> "That's not going to repair itself," Lieutenant Ross Lockard stated.
> "We'll find a way to bring them along," Marrissa stated as Lieutenant
> Virginia Szustakowski entered the bridge.
SERVO: [as Marrissa] Since we'll probably need to justify the four-page cast list.
> "Reporting as ordered Captain," the Chief Engineer said.
> "Gina, if we were to run a group of ships between those two stars at say,
> warp 4, would that cause enough tidal forces to cause a nova?" Marrissa asked.
JOEL: [as Szustakowski] No, but if I get the wave machine from the swimming
pool on deck twelve...
> "You'd have to link up all the ship's shields, synchronize all the warp
> fields, and maintain a fairly rigid formation,
CROW: Gaggh! Not synchronized Spaceship swimming!
JOEL: [deep, evil voice] And you thought it could not be done.
> but yes," Szustakowski said.
> "Can we do it with the current ships and tow the Armageddon along,"
> Marrissa inquired.
> "Towing the Armageddon makes it harder, but I think we can do it,"
SERVO: Well, sure, once you throw in some SciFi technodrivel and some typical Ratliffian
implausibility, it could happen.
> the
> Chief Engineer replied, her mind going though the necessary equations.
> "The Stargazer would have to lead, and we'd have to have three rings of
> four starships behind her."
CROW: [as Gina] And I'll need some paper clips, a kazoo, some fresh gagh, a Popeil's
pocket fisherman, a spiral-cut ham, a towel and a pan-galactic gargle blaster.
> "Get me that formation," Marrissa said. "Open that channel again Jay. We
> may get out of this yet."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Break the fourth wall, then we're *outta* Ratliff land!
CROW: [as Jay] But wouldn't that mean sacrificing every single one of your ten thousand ranks?
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Damn the approaching plausibility, full speed ahead!
> "All ships are listening," Jay responded.
SERVO: [as Jay] Oh, except for that *one.*
> "Ok, this is going to be tricky everyone," Marrissa began. "We're going
> to attempt the Flare escape.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] That's where I change into my dad's old Friday night outfit, then scare the
crap out of the enemy!
> I'm transmitting the courses you will need to
> take and targets to hit along the way. Be ready to link shields and warp
> fields. Armageddon, you'll need to be in position early. We'll be towing
> you in the center of the formation."
SERVO: So, what are the bad guys doing right now?
> "Understood Stargazer," the Armageddon's captain replied. "But if we
> don't make it to your formation in time, leave without us."
> "That's a no go, Armageddon," Marrissa replied. "I intend to take all of
> the ships out of here."
SERVO: So the enemy has decided to wait around and not fire at the Stargazer
while they were thinking up this plan?
CROW: Pretty much.
>
> As the ships moved toward the two stars, they shot passed Jem'Hadar ships.
> A Jem'Hadar Battle cruiser met its doom in the fire of the Armageddon, the
> Virginia, and the Kentucky. The Pike and the Majestic pulled off a
> strategic snip job
SERVO: I sure hope Ratliff knows what he's talking about. Lord knows *I* don't.
> on several Cardassian warships as they flew past to take
> up position behind the Kentucky. The Churchill, Nimitz, and the Sullivans
> made mincemeat of three Jem'Hadar scouts coming up behind the Stargazer.
CROW: Ensign! Set phasers to "chop finely!"
> The flurry of fire caused a momentary halt in the Cardassian-Dominion
> forces.
SERVO: [as Jem'Hadar] Ye gods, they destroyed three of our light fighter
spacecraft! All ships halt so we can study this and plan another method of
assault!
> The Star Fleet vessels took advantage of that brief pause. They
> took up formation. The Stargazer lead the formation, with the Kentucky,
> the Virginia, the Churchill, and the Majestic behind and above, below and
> to the right and left of her.
CROW: Wow, that one ship is just all *over* the place!
> Behind them was the Rabin, the Paris, the
> Pike, and the Hikura, Finally the last row was the Devin, the Nimitz, the
> Sullivans, and the Hermes.
JOEL: And then they all introduced themselves to one another.
SERVO: But who was at Tactical? I must know or the rest of the fanfic won't
make any sense!
>
> On the bridge of the Stargazer, things were busy, but not so busy that
> Marrissa didn't notice one ship's absence.
CROW: For Marrissa sees all! Marrissa hears all! And Marrissa knows all! All bow down to the
almighty Marrissa!
> As she looked for it, her crew
> prepared for the last ditch maneuver. The Flare maneuver was a single ship
> tactic usually done by pirates.
SERVO: The *Pittsburgh* Pirates.
JOEL: [to SERVO] Since when do you know about football?
SERVO: Oh, I pick it up here and there...
> It had never been tried in such a way.
> Usually it sent a solar flare in the wake of the ship, preventing anyone
> from following and totally disrupting the warp trail.
CROW: Sometimes, however, it sent super-heated plasma into the warp core, causing a
catastrophic breech that blew the ship and its inhabitants into their component
sub-atomic particles. But heck, you pays your money, you takes your chances.
> "Shields are matched," Lieutenant Ross Lochard announced. "Metagenic
> configuration confirmed."
> "Warp field generators synchronized," Lieutenant Szustakowski announced.
> "Where is the Armageddon?" Marrissa asked.
SERVO: That's it? That's all we get for technobabble? Come on, let's reverse the field
polarity of the anti-matter induction coils, narrow the warp core's annular confinement
beam, and reconfigure the main deflector dish to send an inverted tachyon beam through
the emitter array!
> "She's harrying the rear of the Cardassian / Jem'Hadar lines," Jay
> announced. "She's got all their attention at the moment.
JOEL: [normally, not sarcastically] Oh, what a brilliant strategy! Ignore the fleet getting in
formation in favor of one crippled ship!
> Sir, we can't
> delay. They are turning back towards us."
> "Open a channel to the Armageddon," Marrissa ordered.
> "Channel open," Jay replied.
> "On screen," Marrissa ordered. A man with gray hair appeared on screen.
> His captain's uniform was streaked with soot and his bridge looked like a
> tornado had hit it. "Captain Sinclair, what do you think you are doing.
SERVO: [as Marrissa] Why won't you give us back our question marks.
> I'm trying to save all of us, and you're ruining it."
> "Commander Picard, you need us to keep their attention more than you need
> us taking power to be towed out of here," Sinclair responded. "I can be
> more help for you distracting them."
> "I'll be the judge of that," Marrissa stated.
JOEL: Judge, jury, *and* executioner.
> "No, I will," Sinclair said.
SERVO: [as Sinclair] I wanna be the martyr!
JOEL: [as Marrissa] No, I wanna be!
> "I am the most senior officer here, and I'm
> ordering you to leave now."
CROW: My God... he actually stood up to Marrissa.
> "Sir," Marrissa began to say.
SERVO: And the battle escalates into a bitter, heated contest of "am not," "are too."
> "Go Lieutenant Commander," Sinclair said. "And take good care of those
> ships. Your are the best chance that they will see home."
> "Understood, Stargazer out," Marrissa ordered,
JOEL: Man, you become God of the ship for three years, and before you know it everything you
say is an *order.*
> moving back to take her
> seat. "Kathy, set a course directly between those stars. Straight line,
> middle of the way, warp eight, engage."
>
> The whole formation of the starships went into warp,
SERVO: And burst into flames.
> rushing between the
> stars. The massive warp field passed between the stars in milliseconds,
> creating a reaction that no ship in the system had time to escape.
CROW: Could it be?
JOEL: Yes, I think it just said that.
SERVO: Do we dare hope that...?
> A flare
> shot out in the direction the ships had went, then back the way they had
> come.
JOEL: Crow, you may be tempted to offer alternatives to Ratliffs unstandard usage of the word
"come..." but don't.
> The stars collapsed, then expanded into supernovas. In an instant
> the Armageddon and all the Jem'Hadar and Cardassian ships in the system
> were reduced to their component atoms.
JOEL: [excitedly] Does this mean that...
SERVO: [same] I believe it does!
> The base, which the forth fleet had
> come to destroy, was vaporized.
SERVO: Woo-hoo! Bye bye Marrissa!
> The Seventh Fleet's mission had been
> accomplished at the price of two stars, and the starship Armageddon.
SERVO: And most, if not all, the planets in the system.
JOEL: On that cheery note...
[JOEL picks SERVO up and they leave]
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[CROW is center, looking depressed. JOEL and SERVO are screen right and left, respectfully.]
CROW: I just can't believe it. All those planets, all those inhabitants, just gone. And you
know, I thought I felt a tremendous disturbance in the force. Did you guys feel a
disturbance in the force?
[SERVO blows a strawberry out of his dome at JOEL. JOEL catches it in a cup that already has
some strawberries, milk, and ice cream in it.]
CROW: All those innocent lives . . .
JOEL: Come on, Crow, who says they were innocent anyway? I mean, maybe they got what they
deserved.
CROW: What?
SERVO: Yeah, Crow. Suppose the fourth planet of one star contained a civilization of Pol Pots,
Stalins, and Hitlers? Aren't you glad they're gone?
CROW: Well, I guess I never really thought about... [SERVO launches another strawberry. JOEL
catches this in his cup also.]
JOEL: [mostly trying to pacifate CROW] Of course you didn't. The third planet of the other star
was populated by Robert James Waller, the people who write those Chicken Soup for the
Soul books, the entire cast of Touched by an Angel, and everyone who thinks Family
Circus is funny.
CROW: [shudders] Wow, that's scary. So, you're saying maybe their destruction was a
good thing? [straightens up and looks a little more cheerful]
SERVO: Oh, absolutely. We haven't even discussed the fifth planet. I don't know if we
want to go there. [SERVO shoots another strawberry, JOEL catches this and puts the cup
onto a blender, turning it on to make a strawberry shake.]
CROW: No, come on guys, this is working. Let's hear about planet number five.
JOEL: Okay, if you must. Planet number five contained Robert McElwaine, Kathie Lee
Gifford, O.J. Simpson, Joe Eszterhaus, Pat Buchanan, Coleman Francis, Hal P. Warren,
Ludwig Plutonium, Martha Stewart, John _-_ Winston, Ed Wood Jr., John Tesh, Alexander
Abian, and every known recording of that Celine Dion Titanic song.
CROW: [Now looking positively perky] Wow! And Marrissa destroyed all that evil!
Thanks, Marrissa! [SERVO launches another strawberry at JOEL, not realizing that JOEL
no longer has the cup. It hits JOEL on the cheek.]
JOEL: Ouch. [rubs cheek where it hit] Servo, you're getting a little carried away. [yellow
light flashes] [to camera] We have commercial sign, we'll be right back.
CROW: [breaking mood] Hey, since when did you take up drinking strawberry shakes?
JOEL: Marrissa just makes them look *so* good. [Smacks light]
[Commercials]
>
>
> Chapter Two
[they enter and take their normal seats.]
JOEL: Actually, I have decided that this strawberry shake is as evil tasting as Hamdingers.
>
> The twilight of the night shift had descended on the Enterprise.
JOEL: How could it be twilight in space?
> Once
> again Captain Picard found himself walking towards the aft observation
> lounge.
CROW: NOO! It's starting over!
> He was not surprised to find Clara sitting there for the second
> night in a row.
SERVO: [as Picard] Don't you have work to do?
> The Seventh Fleet had been due in earlier in the day. The
> only news they had gotten was that their target had been destroyed in a
> supernova.
JOEL: Along with two stars, eleven planets, 27 moons, 3 sentient civilizations, and one
very scenic asteroid belt.
SERVO: And two hard boiled eggs.
> Of the Seventh Fleet there was no word.
CROW: Let's try to keep it that way.
> "Good Evening, Clara," Jean-Luc Picard greeted.
> "Captain," Clara responded, staring at the stars. The time passed for a
> while in silence. The two just looking at the stars, their thoughts with a
> young teenage girl light-years away.
SERVO: [as Clara] Well. [pause] I'm glad we're having this moment.
> "When I was little, I use to go out into the vineyard
JOEL: It belonged to my neighbor, Martha.
> and stare up at the
> stars," Jean-Luc Picard commented. "They seemed to beckon to me. They
> told me
CROW: [as Picard] To kill my parents and worship Satan.
> of adventures and people to meet. They were figures of permanence
> that were waiting for me to explore, unchanging though the ages."
JOEL: [as Picard] They taunted me with their impudent twinkling, until I cleverly fashioned
a hat of Reynolds Wrap. Taunt me now, you stupid stars!
> "They don't seem so unchanging now," Clara commented. "Not when two of
> them has blown up so unexpectantly."
SERVO: [as Picard] Yes, two of them has blown up. How were your day today?
> "Star Fleet Science is looking into it," Picard said. "I'm really
> regretting approving her transfer. That girl has a habit of
JOEL: ...overthrowing her far more capable commanding officers and mysteriously beating idiotic
opponents using stupid command techniques.
> running into
> trouble."
> "And coming up smelling of roses," Clara commented.
CROW: Well, "smelling," at least.
> "She does have the best luck," Picard said.
SERVO: [as Picard] It's almost as if, somewhere, some powerful being had control of all the
forces in the universe, and manipulated them just for . . . nah, what am I *thinking?*
> "Yeah, but sometime that has to run out," Clara said, pulling her hair
> back behind her shoulders.
JOEL: [as Picard] Just keep telling yourself that, honey.
> "Nonsense, Marrissa can get out of any situation she gets into," Picard
> said. "She's First Officer on the Stargazer, doing the impossible is part
> of the job description. Don't worry, she'll be back."
> "I guess," Clara said. "What brought you here?"
SERVO: [as Picard] Ratliff's need for Exposition and Character Development.
> "I'm worried about Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard responded, staring at the
> stars.
> "Oh."
CROW: This makes "2001: A Space Odyssey" seem like a snappy series of one-liners.
>
> It didn't take long for the fleet to pass by the two stars.
SERVO: And it took even less time to vaporize them.
JOEL: Let's let it go, guys. These things happen.
> Even so,
> keeping the combined warp field of the dozen ships balanced was a tough
> job. It wasn't easy on the engines either. "Commander, we've got to pull
> out of this warp field joining," the Chief Engineer said. "I'm not sure
> how much longer the engines can take it.
SERVO: [as Scotty] I dinna thenk-
JOEL: No.
SERVO: But-
JOEL: No!
> They won't make it back to the
> border."
> "Disengage link up," Marrissa ordered.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Ignite cigarettes! Activate glowing post-coital chatter!
> "We need some place quite to make
> repairs. "How far is the Garrison Nebula?"
> "3 light years," Kathy said from the helm.
> "Have the fleet change course to the Nebula," Marrissa ordered. "We'll
> lay low there for a day or so. Inform the fleet that once we are in the
> nebula, we will be under radio silence. Messages will be passed by fighter
> craft patrols.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] All hands to my deck for a game of Telephone.
> All ships should be spread just outside of visual range of
> each other once we enter the nebula. Jay, set up a patrol rotation.
CROW: That actually makes sense.
> Fighter Bay, prep Sweet Success for use."
CROW: *That* didn't.
> "You're not considering going out there?" Jay stated.
> "Jay, forget about the objections, and just provide her with an escort,"
> Ross advised. "It works better that way."
CROW: I think the phrase you're looking for is "submit graciously," Ross.
> Marrissa ignored the conversation as the entered the Nebula.
>
JOEL: She had her headset on, and the Hanson was cranked up.
> Marrissa had just checked on her Captain. The half-Vulcan was still in a
> Vulcan healing trance.
SERVO: When the hell was this established??
CROW: In the now-famous "coherant" scene, missing since the first draft.
> Doctor Johnson did not expect her to need to leave
> it for at least 72 hours. With that established, Marrissa was on her way
> to the fighter bay.
SERVO: [singing] On her way to the fighter bay, all her troubles seem so far away...
> She intended to meet with all the Captains of the
> other starships in the Seventh Fleet and make a plan to get back to the
> Federation lines.
JOEL: Easy. Find someone who's opposed her recently and send him out in a shuttlecraft to draw
the Jem'Hadar's fire.
> The door to the Fighter bay opened. Her personal fighter craft, a gift
> from the people of Essex for her fifteenth birthday,
CROW: Gift, product of slave labor... same thing.
> was sitting at the
> ready. If it wasn't for one thing, she could have just climbed in and
> headed out. Lieutenant Jay Gordon was taking a nap accross it's nose and
> cockpit glass.
JOEL: And there were three dead romulans tied to the roof rack.
CROW: --Underneath him.
> "Jay, I'd like to be able to take my fighter out," Marrissa stated.
CROW: [as Jay, stoned voice] Heh heh. How's it feel to want? Heh heh heh.
> Jay opened his eyes, and said, "Sorry Commander, but you aren't leaving
> this ship."
SERVO: Woohoo! Jay mutinees at last!
> "And why is that," Marrissa said. "I've got to see my fellow Captains."
> "Commander, you are acting Captain of this ship, your place is in command
> of her, not out flying around a nebula."
JOEL: [as Marrissa, whining] But I WANNA! I really really WANNA!
> "I'm also commanding this fleet,
SERVO: Oh, come on. She can't have killed off *all* the higher ranking officers already.
> I have to see to it's composition as well."
CROW: [as Marrissa] And I have to score their spelling, phonics and math mid-terms. Or didn't
you know that I'd added "teacher-assistant" to my list of titles
> "That makes you the most important person in this fleet.
JOEL: Now there's a surprise.
> The captains of
> the other ships should be coming to you," Jay replied. Then with a smile,
> he continued. "In fact they are."
> "What do you mean Jay?"
SERVO: [as Jay] I dunno, I just kinda blurted it out.
> "I had purple wing deliver orders for the commanding officers of each
> vessel to report aboard the Stargazer. Green Wing and Blue Wing will
> escort them all here."
> "Lieutenant Jay Alan Gordon... do you know what the penalty for falsifying
> orders is?"
SERVO: [as Jay] Don't talk to me about "falsifying," Miss Fill-n-fool.
> "Yes, Commander. However, I believe my plan entails much less risk to the
> command staff of this ship. That is one of the duties of a first officer,
> and since you are acting Captain,
CROW: [as Jay] You can just kiss my stinking butt.
> that is my job. If you'd like to dress
> me down for my methods in doing so,
JOEL: [as Jay] --Then you'd would probably kill several hundred readers.
CROW: [as Marrissa] The slaughter of innocents!? I'm drooling at the thought.
> feel free, sir.
SERVO: "Sir?" Is there more to Marrissa than I for one care to know?
CROW: Run for your life! It's a slash fic!
> However, since we are
> in the middle of a war, I respectfully request that you consider delaying
> it until after we are safely behind Federation lines again."
> "Very well, Jay... but next time, run it by me first. You never know, I
> might like the idea."
>
SERVO: These scene changes always seem like they're done at random with a
meat cleaver.
> Chapter Three
>
> Jacqueline Marie Picard was peering around the corner.
JOEL: The corner of what, we don't know. But there was definitely a 90 degree angle
involved in the peering process.
> Her mother was
> talking to her Aunt Marie and Cousin Isabelle. She'd gotten bored at
> playing with her cousin Rene. He just wanted to play with his little toy
> starships. Jackie, as everyone called her, had lived on a starship.
ALL: [sarcastically] You *think?*
> Playing with starships held no interest for her.
SERVO: Toilet-training had left young Jackie completely jaded.
> The almost three year-old girl and her mother had left the
> Enterprise because of the war.
JOEL: See, since the Picards are *french,* it would make sense for them to run...
> They wouldn't return until after it was
> over. Jackie couldn't understand why her father couldn't come with them
> to France.
CROW: But she knows enough about starships to take them for granted.
> Her mother had said that it was because he was the ship's
> Captain. Jackie couldn't understand why that made a difference. After
> all, mommy was ship's Doctor, and she had gone with Jackie and her baby
> brother Nicholas to France.
JOEL: It's called "Getting rid of the bit characters."
> She'd hoped to seen her sister Marrissa here, but she was off in
> some ship called the Stargazer, being second-in-command, what ever that
> was. Jackie liked her big sister, she was fun.
CROW: She also likes celery because it is tasty.
SERVO: Actually, Marrissa reminds me more of Big Brother.
> The word babysitter drifted down to Jackie's ears. That brought
> her hopes up. Marrissa had baby-sat her when Nicholas was born. Thoughts
> of what had happened then surfaced, but she shook away the unpleasant memory.
SERVO: Ick. Ickickickickick!
CROW: I'm getting some unpleasent ideas...
>
JOEL: A magnificiently mishandled scene change. I give it a 1.0 at least.
CROW: 0.7.
SERVO: 1.2.
> Beverly Picard surveyed the young man that Isabelle had hired to
> watch Jackie,
SERVO: [as Beverly] So, young man, how many people under the age of 18 live in your
household? What's your average combined yearly income? Approximately how many
fanfics do you read each month? If you were offered a series of fanfics about a power-
mad adolescent ruling a world in which all adults are either inept or unconscious, would you be:
A - very interested, B - somewhat interested, or C - suicidal? By the way, there *is* a
right answer to all of these.
> Theresa Isabelle's son Rene. He seemed to be a pleasant
> fellow, with a broad smile and friendly manner.
CROW: [as Beverly] Obvious child molester. Next?
> Isabelle had used him
> several times, and said he was very responsible.
JOEL: Readers, insert your own comment here.
> "You must be Doctor Picard, I'm Tom Cox,"
[snickers from all]
> the young man said. "I
JOEL: [as Tom/Torgo] W-w-wATCH the... kids... while the MASTER is... out.
> understand I'm to watch you daughter along with Rene and Theresa tonight.
CROW: [as Tom] From across the street, through a window, with binoculars... [quick beat] and a
SNIPER RIFLE!
> I have a few questions to ask. When does she have to go to bed? Does she
> have any medical conditions I should know about?
JOEL: A "few..." meaning, in this case, "two."
> "Jackie goes to bed at 7:30," Beverly said. "She can have a snack
> before hand, but not anything with vanilla in it. She's allergic to it."
SERVO: [as Beverly] And she has tubes in her ears. And asthma, hay fever, an upper
respiratory infection, scurvy, rickets, eromotic syndrome, Tarellian plague and a touch of
the gout. She isn't allowed to get wet, and, oh, don't feed her after midnight. Just trust me
on that one.
>
CROW: An utterly pointless scene that is introduced awkwardly and exited
even more awkwardly. Classic Ratliff.
> Jackie was playing with blocks.
JOEL: [as Jackie, dumb] Block taste like *wood!*
> She wanted to play with the dolls,
> but Theresa was, and wouldn't let her join in.
SERVO: But *Jackie* knew where Mommy's gun was.
> Rene would. She liked her
> cousin Rene. Together they were building a castle.
CROW: See Rene. See Jackie. See blocks. See Jackie play with blocks. Rene sees Jackie play with
blocks.
> Rene was much better
> at building things than Jackie. Jackie's tower fell.
JOEL: Ratliff's prose is so... descriptive... I'm overcome by his mastery of the English
language.
> She stamped her foot
> once in frustration.
SERVO: --Knocking over *his* tower.
> "It okay, Jackie," Rene said. "Mine always fall."
> "They not yet," Jackie said.
> "They will," Rene said.
CROW: You know, I think *this* is the best scene in the entire fanfic.
SERVO: I agree.
JOEL: Yeah.
CROW: The dialogue is his best ever.
> Jackie looked up from their creation. There was man watching them
> that Jackie had never seen. "Who that?"
> "That Tom, babysitter," Rene said. "He nice."
SERVO: [as Rene] Tell Jackie about the rabbits, Tom.
> Jackie walked over to the man. "You not 'Rissa" she said.
CROW: So, half the kids in the RatliffverseT are Nobel-prize-winning nuclear physicists,
and the other half are hopelessly inarticulate dopes.
JOEL: So, on average, everything's normal, then.
SERVO: Go stick one hand in a toaster and the other in an ice bucket, Joel. On average,
you're comfortable.
> "No I'm not," the man replied. "I'm Tom. Who is 'Rissa?"
> "She big sister," Jackie said. "She my babysitter."
JOEL: Ratliff's idea of child dialogue - talk like a backwoods caveman.
> "Not tonight, Jackie," Tom said. "I'm watching Theresa, Rene, and
> you, while your mothers are out."
CROW: Whoa!
JOEL: Huge slam on Picard there!
SERVO: Excuse me while I go throw up all over myself.
> "I want 'Rissa," Jackie said.
> "I can't help you there. I don't know where she is," Tom said.
> "Perhaps you can tell me about her."
CROW: [as Jackie] She want to be HU-man.
> "'Rissa real smart," Jackie began. "She number one on Stargazer.
> Has neat room. No one order her. She play with me. Not hog dolls like
> 'Resa. Dad worry about her. Says she not know fear.
JOEL: [as Jackie] Says all tremble before her.
> I want to see 'Rissa."
SERVO: [as Jackie] She friends with author. Author make 'Rissa invincible.
> "As I said earlier, I don't know where she is," Tom said in a
> mellow voice. "Do you want me to see if we can get Theresa to share the
> dolls with you?"
> Jackie shook her head yes.
JOEL: This completely gratuitous scene brought to you by Ratliff Productions.
>
> Marrissa was not feeling in her element.
CROW: They ran out of scum and filth.
> She sat at the head of the table
> in the fighter debriefing room. It was the position of the person in
> command.
SERVO: And she's *not* feeling in her element?
> The other starship Captains were still moving around the room.
> The commander of the Nimitz had yet to arrive, and they weren't beginning
> until he did.
CROW: It'll probably be a while, since the captain has been dead for about 450
years.
> This just left her sitting nervously in the chair at the head of the
> table. She was only fifteen. She was only a first officer,
JOEL: Fifteen and *only* a First Officer? Boy, good thing she didn't waste
time going to the Academy, her career is going nowhere.
> her Captain
> was in a coma in Sickbay.
SERVO: And with the medical technobabble generator still down, the prognosis was grim.
> With the exception of Lieutenant Williams, the
> Chief Engineer of the Virginia who had taken command after the Virginia's
> bridge had been sheared off, she was the lowest ranked person in the room.
CROW: So naturally, she's in charge of everyone else.
> She really didn't feel like sitting in her seat. It felt wrong.
ALL: [in unison] Our feelings exactly.
SERVO: You know, after God-knows-how many stories that have landed her
imperious and totally perfect rump in that particular ivory throne, you'd
think she'd get used to it.
> She was
> use to giving orders, on the bridge. She'd even lead mission briefings
> before. Somehow this was different though.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] No one's dead yet. I'm displeased.
> Finally, Captain Greer of the Nimitz arrived. He immediately took the
> seat to the right of Marrissa. Greer was the senior officer. "Good
> Evening Commander, you look like you're enjoying command,"
CROW: [as Greer] I'm not entirely sure those eunuchs carrying your throne
are allowed under Starfleet regulations, though...
> he said. "I
> told my first officer that you'd be commanding a fleet some day, after you
> poked holes in Admiral Scholl's plan."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Gee, I get the feeling you're directing some *hostility* towards me.
> "This is not how I planned on doing it," Marrissa said, as the other
> commanding officers began to take a seat. "Are you sure you don't want the
> job?"
SERVO: [as Greer] Oooh, noo, it'll go straight to my legs, really, you have it.
> "Commander, you found a way out of a whole sale slaughter," Greer said.
CROW: It's a wholesale slaughter of savings, at Menards!
> "There is a no officer here who had the ability or courage to do so.
CROW: [as Greer, nervously] Except of course for that lieutenant commander
you ordered killed, and that captain whose ship you fired upon- not that those
are bad things, oh Great One!
> Captain Sinclair yielded command to you. We have no need or want to
> gainsay his opinion.
JOEL: [as Greer] Plus, if we do, we'll be killed off SO fast.
> You got us out of trouble and on our way back to our
> lines. The least we can do is to continue to follow you."
> The other Captains, now seated at the table, responded with a chorus of
ALL: [as captains] ARE YOU NUTS?
> "Here, Here."
SERVO: [as Captains] More beer over here!
> "In that case, I'd like a status report on each ship," Marrissa said.
> "Captain Greer."
> "I'm afraid the Nimitz is going to have to be abandoned," Greer began.
> "We've got massive coolant contamination problem.
CROW: [as Greer] I can't for the life of me figure out how all that strawberry juice got in
there.
> We've stabilized all
> systems, but the ship itself is fast becoming uninhabitable. If this
> weren't a war situation, we could be towed to a Starbase and be
> decontaminated in a week. Since we are at war, we are going to have to
> abandon her."
SERVO: [as Greer] I'll end my report by repeating the opening line. "I'm afraid the Nimitz is
going to have to be abandoned."
> "Lieutenant Williams, what's the status of the Virginia?" Marrissa said.
> "We've lost our bridge, along with most of our command crew," Williams
> said. "Other than that, we are in good repair.
CROW: [as Williams] We didn't need that part of the hull anyway.
> I'm a little short in the
> security department, and I'm all out of photon torpedoes."
JOEL: [as Williams, moronically] Speaking metaphorically, of course.
> "Would you object to Captain Greer taking command of your vessel?"
> Marrissa asked.
> "No sir, I would not," Williams said. "I can command in a pinch, but I
> prefer not to."
SERVO: [as Williams] Because, as stated earlier, I have security issues to work out.
> "Captain Greer, after we're done, any person needing additional crew will
> stay here," Marrissa said. "I'll assign a couple wings of fighters to
> escort your departing crew. Take the torpedoes as well. I'm sure your new
> command can use them. Leave your ship on minimum power. Hopefully, after
> the war, we'll be able to come back and get her.
CROW: [as Marrissa] In the meantime, I'm sure our adversaries will appreciate us leaving a
mostly-functioning ship lying around!
> Anyone else have problems?"
JOEL: [as a captain] I...uh...can't openly express my love for my wife.
> After a moment's silence, she continued, "Then I can expect all of your
> ships to be up to specs."
> "Commander, if the Virginia isn't above specs by the time you order us
> out, you can have my commission," Lieutenant Williams said.
SERVO: [as Williams] Plus 15% of the gross, *plus* a share of syndication.
> "Okay, then at 0900 hours tomorrow morning, we'll depart," Marrissa said.
> "Taking a course towards Risa at warp 8 should bring us into contact with
> our lines around 1300. Until then, keep the chatter to a minimum. We
> probably can't evacuate the Nimitz without some noise, but the less we make
> the better. My Fighter Commander has already informed me that Red Wing has
> killed one Jem'Hadar scout."
>
JOEL: [as Marrissa] So on that note let's wrap this scene.
[commercials]
> Chapter Four
>
> The Enterprise was under attack. Four Jem'Hadar battleships were
> attacking her in concert.
JOEL: And you thought *Kiss* was a show!
> Her only help was a trio of Excelsior Class
> ships, who were held up by a half dozen Jem'Hadar scouts themselves.
SERVO: [newscaster voice] Three Excelsior class starships were held up by a band of Jem
Hadar scouts today. The scouts made off with four kegs of Romulan ale, six gallons of
Saurian brandy, six liters of anti-matter, two cartons of tribbles and three cases of
Tranya.
CROW: *And* a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
JOEL: [softly, an aside] And two hard boiled eggs.
> Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard sat in his chair. His expression was
> determined, no one was getting his ship. Captain Riker was at the helm,
> taking the place of an injured ensign. Data sat at Operations, unreadable
> as always.
SERVO: [as Data, monotone] Drive not ready. Abort, retry, fail?
> The Bridge was standing up well to the fight. So far, no
> panels had blown.
CROW: And no ensigns with odd names were killed yet.
> Still, the dark red lit bridge of battle gave a sense of
> urgency. It was deserved. The Enterprise was shaking under fire.
> "Shields at 42 percent, Admiral," the tactical officer said.
> "Number One, hard to port," Picard ordered. "Mr Data, any word on
> reinforcements?"
SERVO: [as Data] Yes, but the word is "unxious," so you won't get to use it a whole
lot.
> "No sir," Data replied. After a moment, he spoke up again. "I'm
> detecting multiple warp signatures coming from Cardassian Occupied Space.
> At least a dozen."
JOEL: [as Picard] Is that a regular dozen, or a baker's dozen?
> "We really could use those reinforcements now," Riker commented, as the
> Enterprise made a close pass over one of the Jem'Hadar battleships.
CROW: Why can't they just retreat? They don't seem to be guarding anything
important.
> "Incoming call from the approaching ships," Data announced. "Identified
> as the Seventh Fleet, lead by the Stargazer, Commander Marrissa Picard
> commanding."
> "Put her on," Admiral Picard ordered. Marrissa appeared in the
> holographic display beside the viewscreen.
JOEL: Hey! They stole our HexField Viewscreen!
> "Need a hand, Dad?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [as Picard, screaming/sobbing] GIVE ME BACK MY HAND!
> "If you don't mind, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "It does look bad
> when the Federation Flagship is not winning the battle."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Like I'll ever have that problem.
> "It does?" Marrissa said. "I'll remember that.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Now, get bent, old timer!
> Jay launch all fighters.
> Let me show you what my ship and the Seventh Fleet can do.
JOEL: Uh... next to nothing?
> Stargazer out."
> On the Enterprise's main screen, the Stargazer decelerated from warp.
> Seven wings of Seven fighters
CROW: As I was on my way to St. Ives
I met a fleet with seven ships.
Each ship had seven bays.
Each bay had seven fighters.
Each fighter had seven torpedoes.
Torpedoes, fighters, bays, ships,
How many blow up at St. Ives?
> left her bays, their wings tipped red, blue,
> green, yellow, orange, purple, and black.
SERVO: Always color-code your files, receipts, floppy disks and fighter shuttles.
> All but the Black wing took up
> chase of Jem'Hadar scouts. Black moved in to guard the Enterprise. From
> behind the Stargazer, eleven more ships had come out of warp.
CROW: And they had *how many* ships before the fanfic started? 120?
JOEL: Sad, really.
> The Ambassador Class starship Kentucky lead the Excelsior Class starships
> Hikura, Hermes and Churchill after one battleship.
SERVO: Now *THERE'S* an effective usage of ship power.
> Anther battleship faced
> the wrath of Captain Greer on the Virginia. He lead the Sullivans, the
> Majestic, and the Pike in a rush designed to make sure he didn't have to
> abandon another ship.
JOEL: This time, he was going out in a blaze of glory.
> The Rabin,
SERVO: Edgar Allen Poe with a--
JOEL: Stop. Now.
> the Paris, and the Devin joined the
> Stargazer in an attack on the third battleship. The Enterprise's Escorts,
> whose attackers now had other things to worry about, now took on the fourth
> battle ship.
SERVO: [perky female voice] All right, girls, let's escort the heck out of this
one!
> "Commander Riker, move in on the ship that the Lee, the Perry, and the
> Patton are targeting," Admiral Picard ordered.
CROW: I wonder what'll happen when Ratliff runs out of famous American
generals' names to use.
SERVO: The USS Huey, the USS Louie, and the USS Dewey, that's what'll happen.
> "Captain, the fighter wing is shooting down all incoming torpedoes," the
> tactical officer reported. "Shields are beginning to regain power."
>
> A Jem'Hadar scout cut in front of the Enterprise,
SERVO: [as Picard] Hey, use your damn signal!
> the seven fighters of
> purple wing on it's tail.
JOEL: [patronizingly] Today's crappy fanfic is brought to you by the number "seven."
CROW: --As in, the "seven" circles of HELL.
> The Enterprise fired on it. One scout down.
> The wing turned toward the scout blue wing was chasing. As they passed, it
> left seven lines of burning Jem'Hadar hull behind it.
JOEL: Spelling out "I was buzzed by a bunch of kids."
> Not all Federation
> weaponry was on the same settings. Suddenly all over the battle field, the
> Federation fire got a lot more deadly.
SERVO: Someone *finally* took the weapons out of "please don't hurt me" mode and
kicked them up to "mega-death." Now if Data can just figure out the game cheats...
CROW: How can Data type IDKFA without a keyboard?
> First it was the Virginia's target,
> then the Kentucky's, the one two explosions rocked the Enterprise back and
> forth. One by one, the Jem'Hadar scouts died under fire of the fighters of
> the Stargazer.
JOEL: After preparing for battle by watching countless martial arts movies, the
Jem'Hadar came at the Stargazer in the tried and true "one at a time" fashion.
> The Enterprise, the Lee, the Perry, and the Patton
CROW: Hey, where's the ship named after Levy? Stephen, you anti-Semitic bastard.
SERVO: [automatically] We apologize on behalf of Crow, Trace, Weretorgo, and everyone else, for
this potshot aimed at Mr. Ratliff.
> destroyed their designated battleship.
> That left the Stargazer's target. The Stargazer lead a run down it's
> kneel, stern to bow. Just as the Stargazer cleared the bow, a torpedo
> impacted right were the port lower warp nacelle was attached. The nacelle
> spun off and exploded. The Stargazer limped off at impluse,
JOEL: As Marrissa makes a note to herself, "Turns out snuggling up to the enemy battle
cruiser is a *bad* idea".
> but it's
> attacker wasn't so lucky.
SERVO: It made the mistake of pausing for a half-second trying to figure out
what the hell "impluse" meant.
> A score of torpedoes from the Rabin and the
> Devin, impacted on the battleship's rear. The explosion engulfed the
> Jem'Hadar battleship's rear, expanding along it's length, consuming the
> ship in an orange and yellow fireball.
CROW: Ohh, shouldn't have gone to that bean festival...
>
> "All Jem'Hadar ships destroyed, sir," Data reported. "Incoming call from
> the Stargazer."
> "On screen, Mister Data," Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard ordered. "Let's
> see how my daughter faired."
> The bridge of the Stargazer appeared on the Enterprise's viewscreen. To
> say that it didn't look it's best was an understatement.
JOEL: Ah, the subtle understatement we've come to expect in the work of Ratliff.
> The center helm
> console was in shambles. A thin haze of smoke hovered near the ceiling.
> Marrissa sat in the center seat.
SERVO: ...hastily stubbing out a blunt.
> Her hair was a mess and she had a small
> cut on her left cheek. Behind her, the tactical officer had somehow
> managed to rip his left sleeve partially off.
CROW: Wow! Intense, sleeve-ripping action!
> Jay Gordon was intensely
> working at his console, ignoring the developing bruise on his head.
JOEL: After all, it didn't cause much *damage!*
SERVO: I knew that having his brain up his butt would prove advantageous sooner or later!
> "Enterprise, this is the Stargazer," Marrissa said. "I think we are going
> to need a tow."
> "I'd be happy to provide on, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "I'll tell
> Starbase 367 to expect us. Is there anything else you need?"
> "No sir," Marrissa replied. "I think we have everything pretty much in
> hand.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Got some bruises over here, torn uniforms there, we ripped off a fender and
dropped the tranny on that last run, we're burning oil and leaking anti-matter like you
wouldn't believe, and of course most of the fleet's toast - yep, everything's under
control.
> Just let me recover my fighters and we'll be ready to depart."
> "Signal when you are ready, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "And have
> someone look at that cut, and Mr. Gordon, don't forget your bruise.
SERVO: [as Gordon/John Cleese] Yes, Captain, I'm doing it Captain.
> Enterprise out."
>
> Epilogue
>
> Admiral Victor Griest had just summoned Lieutenant Commander Marrissa
> Picard. The Stargazer had been towed in to dry-dock earlier in that day.
> Captain T'Gwen Washington was being transported to Vulcan to recover from
> her injures.
CROW: Ratliff never really explored the possibilities of that whole issue.
> The Stargazer would take three to six weeks before it was
> ready to return to service.
JOEL: Gee, it's a good thing it wasn't *totally* scrapped... it might take an extra *week* to
fix!
> Those weren't the only reasons Griest was
> calling in the first officer of the Stargazer. Moral was the lowest it had
> been since Wolf 359.
CROW: So they thought they use Marrissa to make it even lower.
SERVO: The only way she's going to raise moral is if she's publically executed.
> Marrissa had public relations experience as a
> Princess.
CROW: "She can wear a tiara like you wouldn't believe!"
> After her work with the Seventh Fleet, no one was going to call
> her anything less than a hero. Star Fleet needed a hero.
JOEL: What we need is a few, good, heros.
> Marrissa entered the room dressed in a neat uniform. Her hair was pulled
> back with a Star Fleet approved gold barrette.
CROW: If I had joined Star Fleet, completed the grueling coursework at Star Fleet
academy, and prepared myself to explore the vast unknown expanses of the galaxy, I'd be
just *thrilled* to be assigned to the barrette-approving department.
> It was a marked contrast to
> the tired teenager who commanded the Stargazer as it was towed into dock.
SERVO: Looks like Stephen's taken to author-insertation.
> She stood at attention in front of Griest's desk. "Lieutenant Commander
> Marrissa Amber Picard reporting as ordered, sir."
> "Commander Picard, are you aware of Star Fleet's opinion of your
> adventures in the Seventh Fleet," the Admiral asked.
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Yes, sir. 4% are impressed but frightened, 3% were rooting for the
Jem'Hadar, 8% joined the Maqui, and 85% requested a transfer to the Delta quadrant,
effective immediately.
> "I just wanted to survive," Marrissa said. "If Star Fleet thinks I
> deserve to be reprimanded for my actions, I am willing to be punished.
CROW: [as Marrissa, seductively] *More* than willing. I brought my own horsewhip.
> I
> should have been able to save all of the ships."
> "Commander Picard, we don't want to punish you for your actions," the
> Admiral said. "In fact, Star Fleet has decided to award you the Medal of
> Honor."
SERVO: That does it. Joel, Crow, I'm going to go off and have a brief episode.
[SERVO exits left. Screams, taunts, bellows, whoops, and the like are heard.]
> "I don't deserve it, sir," Marrissa said.
JOEL: Just what *does* Marrissa deserve? Let's ask our studio audience.
CROW: I think she deserves to be bound, gagged, lightly beaten, then tossed into the brig
and sent into the Gamma quadrant in a ship with just impulse power, a pet targ, and
Wesley Crusher for company.
JOEL: No, the PETA folks would protest, and rightly so, that such a fate is too cruel for
the poor targ. I'd like to see her tortured by one of those Cardassian pain implants, then
forced to be the sidekick on the new, revived "Magic Johnson" talk show.
[SERVO returns from offscreen]
SERVO: You're both going too easy on her. I'd put her in charge of the customer
complaints department at AOL.
JOEL: And when it's all done, she deserves to have Counselor Troi ask, "How do you
feel about that?"
> "Nonsense, you saved the remnants of the Seventh Fleet," the Admiral said.
> "You are a hero."
CROW: [as Griest] In fact, lets just stop wasting time and elect you President!
> "No, I'm not sir," Marrissa said, defiant and sadly. "A hero would have
> saved them all. A hero would have come up with some magical solution, not
> some old pirate trick she read about in Captain Pike's logs. A hero's
> solution wouldn't have destroyed two stars."
> "A hero's worse critic is himself," Admiral Griest said.
CROW: So then who do critics have for heroes?
SERVO: Leonard Maltin: Roger Corman. Siskel: the guy who invented Rogaine. Ebert: the guy who
invented cheesecake.
> "Marrissa, you
> are a brilliant young officer, who has shown signs of becoming an excellent
> Captain some day.
SERVO: [as Griest] By which I mean tomorrow.
> You are also a teenager, going though the insecurities
> and doubt of any young lady. I know, I have one myself.
CROW: [as Griest] An Orion slave girl. I keep her chained in the basement.
> You have to learn
> to stop second guessing you past actions. Everyone has twenty-twenty
> hindsight, Marrissa. Don't let it get you down. If you want to look back
> at what you did, try to do it without emotionally involving yourself too
> much. Both pride and contrite behavior can be a good officer's undoing if
> overdone."
CROW: This scene sounds strangely Japanese.
> "Understood sir," Marrissa said stiffly.
SERVO: Ooops, looks like she had her mind on her pink panties again.
>
> Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard once again found Clara in the aft observation
> lounge. She was still dressed in the scarlet evening gown she had worn to
> Marrissa's award presentation. The silver tiara still held back her long
> dark hair.
JOEL: Even in the 24th century, no one can quite figure out "business-casual."
> "What brings you here tonight, Clara?" the Admiral asked.
> "Post Social Event Euphoria," Clara replied.
CROW: Don't you mean "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?"
> "I come back from them one
> of two ways,
SERVO: Drunk or unconscious.
> extremely tired or unable to get to calm down enough to do
> anything."
CROW: [as Clara] Though recently, I've found myself ending up in this crummy dump sputtering
nonsense like I am now more and more often.
> "It was strange to see Marrissa in a dress uniform," Picard said. "I'm so
> use to her dresses at these types of events."
> "You know, five years ago you wouldn't have seen her in a dress," Clara said.
> "Oh?" Picard said.
CROW: [as Clara] Yeah, but *Jay,* on the other hand...
> "Yeah, she swore off dresses when she was nine after a embarrassing
> gravity failure," Clara said. "Jay still brings up her pink panties every
> once in a while to poke some fun at her."
CROW: Ugh. I am *not* touching that!
SERVO: ICK!
JOEL: I need a bath.
> "That explains Jay's comment at the Coronation Ball," Picard said.
SERVO: [as Picard, "adlibbing"] Because remember that he said that thing there?
> "It's not as effective as it use to be," Clara said. "Especially since
> Marrissa found a good comeback line."
JOEL: The immortal, "I know you are... but what am I?"
> "I noticed that Jay looked uncomfortable tonight," Picard noted.
CROW: [as Clara] It was *his* turn to wear the pink panties.
> "He's been having to run shotgun on Hurricane Marrissa," Clara said.
SERVO: Is that some kind of really freaky euphemism?
> "Apparently he kept Marrissa from going out in her personal fighter to chat
> with the other Captains of the fleet. He's expecting Marrissa to get back
> at him somehow. I happen to know that she doesn't plan on it. In fact she
> has a lot more respect for Jay now that he's finally stood up to her."
JOEL: [as Clara] In fact, he's going to lead a perfectly safe life. In fact, nothing will *ever*
happen to him, honestly, in fact.
> "A good first officer must be willing to stand up to their Captain,"
> Picard commented. "It's one of the first things I test when I get a new one."
CROW: [as Picard] I like my first officers pugnacious, argumentative, and insubordinate.
> "I've been first officer for both Marrissa and Data," Clara said. "I
> think I did okay, but I'm not so sure I'd have held for the long term like
> Captain Riker."
SERVO: [as Clara] Especially when I saw that requirement where I'd have to grow a beard
and gain weight.
> "It's a position that you grow into," Picard said. "New first officers
> tend to be timid and very rarely stand up for their beliefs, of course I
> don't think Marrissa will ever be like that. Not any more. She, like less
> experienced but not new first officers, has developed quite a bit of
> boldness. Marrissa isn't the timid little girl I adopted anymore."
SERVO: [as Clara] That's because you actually adopted *Jackie.* Marrissa was
thrown through your window late at night.
> "That's what you get for giving a girl her dream," Clara said.
SERVO: So that's the stuff dreams are made of? Nuking solar systems and blasting the
enemy fleet, not to mention one of your own ships, into their component atoms?
JOEL: Well, I think that *is* how Shakespeare put it.
> She
> yawned. "I better get to sleep, I'm in charge during Alpha shift tomorrow,
> and Commander La Forge prefers the duty Chief to be early."
> "Good night Clara," Picard said as the young Assistant Chief Engineer
CROW: Just in case you still wondering what her rank is...
> left
> the room. He turned toward the windows, looking out at the dock and the
> damaged USS Stargazer.
SERVO: [as repair man] Okay, now take that big roll of duct tape and wrap it around the hull
breaches. Wally, get the glue gun out for the new nacelle.
>
> Aboard the Stargazer, Marrissa pulled her curtains shut, cutting off the
> view of the dock and her father's ship. She climbed into bed and fell
> asleep to the faint sounds of shipboard life.
CROW: Like "weeoo, weeoo," that humming noise, and "AAUUUGGH! IT'S EATING
MY FACE!"
>
> The End.
JOEL: And another Ratliff fanfic draws to an illogical, inept, pointless close.
SERVO: I'm drained.
JOEL: Come on, let's go.
[JOEL picks SERVO up and leaves.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[JOEL, CROW, and SERVO are sitting behind the desk.]
JOEL: [in the middle of a sentence] No, Servo, I disagree. I think Marrissa would kill her
within, ooh, five minutes.
CROW: But what would her motivation be, Joel? Why would she do such a thing?
JOEL: Well, *duh...* Marrissa sees a queen, right?
BOTS: Yeah...
JOEL: Now, tell me, what is Marrissa's instinctive reaction to anyone holding a seat of power?
CROW: Umm, death, dismemberment, and removal from said seat?
JOEL: Of course!
SERVO: But would she not *ever* take into consideration any personal resemblance or likeness of
the said power-holder?
JOEL: [after a seconds' thought] Nope.
CROW: Hmm...
SERVO: I don't care. I still disagree.
JOEL: I'll prove it.
[CROW and SERVO look startled]
CROW: [shocked] You don't mean...
JOEL: It's the only was to find out for sure. [smacks red button] Come in, sirs.
[DEEP 13]
[DR. F is onscreen]
DR. F: Yes, oh Big Bowl of Joel?
[SOL]
JOEL: Heh, real cute. Listen. Can you... [whispers something]
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [amazed] You're crazy! Do you want to go MAD!?
[SOL]
JOEL: Well, isn't that the point of these movies and fanfics?
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Well, yes, but... THIS?
[SOL]
JOEL: Just do it.
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Well... if you insist... [pushes button on control panel.]
[SOL]
[Poof of smoke, and a throne appears. Clunk of DR. F hitting another button, and a short, fat,
ugly redhaired woman is plopped on the throne. Another clunk, and a distant, offscreen door
opens]
JOEL: [to BOTS] Now, just watch, as Marrissa views the Queen.
[Marrissa enters. She's a rather un-pretty young girl, very brattish.]
MARRISSA: [whiny] Hey, why the heck am I here? Man, MTV was just about to play that Spice Girls
video... [to JOEL] Do you at least have any Strawberry--
CROW: [annoyed] No. Shut up.
MARRISSA: [whiny] BUT I DON'T *WANNA!* Man... [to JOEL] Do you at least have some salad
cream... [trails off, sees throne.]
JOEL: [to BOTS] Just watch.
MARRISSA: [to Queen] Heyy... you're on a throne.
QUEEN: [in a very deliberate, annoying, raspy voice] Rule number one. When in my kingdom you
shall hereby regard me as your *god.*
MARRISSA: [edgy] I don't think you want to say this...
QUEEN: You are *interrupting* my flow of power.
[for a second, MARRISSA is taken aback. Then, she slowly begins to smile]
MARRISSA: Mother!
QUEEN: [taken aback at first] What the...? oh my god... DAUGHTER!
[they embrace]
QUEEN: I knew the babies were switched, I knew it!
MARRISSA: That's what comes when you go to a Virginia hospital, mom.
[sinister, dramatic, yet heavenly music [basically, that means with a chorus] begins to play]
QUEEN: Now that I am reunited with my daughter...
MARRISSA: ...And I with my mom...
BOTH: Nobody shall undermine *our* power!
JOEL: My god! They've taken to one another! This can't be happening!
SERVO: Oh, but it is!
QUEEN: Now, daughter, we shall show those Trekkies a thing, or two, about CONTROL. First off.
Do you know of a fellow named Jay?
MARRISSA: Oh, yes mom.
QUEEN: From now on he shall be my personal man-slave, eager to service all of my individual
needs.
MARRISSA: But of course mom!
[music steadily grows louder]
QUEEN: We shall never be killed!
MARRISSA: Of course, mom! I'll give you access to the DNA labs of the Enterprise!
JOEL: Oh my GOD, she's messing with the hands of fate!
[music growing louder]
QUEEN: [almost shouting] We shall be forever present!
MARRISSA: And forever ruling!
BOTH: NOBODY... SHALL... OVERWHELM US!
[music almost deafening]
CROW: Joel, quick, DO something!
JOEL: I'm trying to think!
QUEEN: I love you, my daughter!
MARRISSA: I love you, mother!
[sudden explosion, as the music hits a cresando]
[smoke clears. Joel and the Bots are covered in a "canned-string"-like substance]
JOEL: [coughing] The sheer *pompousness* overwhelmed them!
SERVO: We're safe.
CROW: They hampered with the sod lo-mein.
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: [happily] Looks like we've learned a lesson.
[SOL]
JOEL: You bet we have. Never, ever, try to inflict pain on one's self! It's better to let one's
evil oppressers do the pain-inflicting.
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: You're learning. [smiles, then pushes the button]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
CAST:
Joel Hodgson ----------------- Joel Robinson
Kevin Murphy ----------------- voice of Tom Servo
Trace Beaulieu --------------- voice of Crow T. Robot
Frank Conliff ---------------- Tv's Frank
Trace Beaulieu --------------- Doctor Forrester
CREW:
Editor ----------------------- WereTorgo (BG)
Writers ---------------------- Karen Kallestad
---------------------- Tom Currie
---------------------- Petera Mitchell
---------------------- Tv's Francis
---------------------- Brian Dubic
---------------------- Satya
---------------------- Jim Whaley
and
---------------------- Glazed McGuffin Man (Steven Bateman)
Additional Riffs ------------- WereTorgo
Hosts ------------------------ WereTorgo and Karen Kallestad
Proofer ---------------------- WereTorgo
"Seventh Fleet" written by --- Stephen Ratliff
SPECIAL THANKS:
ChrisScottJoeyJessCharlottePushkinPinky&PinkyGabeandJudd
Best Brains is the owner of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the characters, and
the actors portraying said characters. (Assuming that Paul didn't sell his soul
to Pearl.) Used with undying respect.
> "Yeah, she swore off dresses when she was nine after a embarrassing
> gravity failure," Clara said. "Jay still brings up her pink panties every
> once in a while to poke some fun at her."
___ ___
( _`\ ( _`\
| (_) ) | ( (_)
| _ <' | |___
| (_) ) _ | (_, ) _
(____/'(_)(____/'(_)
A B.G. Production.
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