The Only Constant
=========================================================================
Hi again, everyone!
This is Dave Hines here with my FOURTH (can you believe it?) MiSTing. In
this one, I honor my namesake (who started the whole Ratliff MiSTing craze)
by grabbing a couple of my own, "Dear Isabella II" (A Ratliff short short)
and "The Only Constant", Ratliff's newest full-length work.
Be sure to visit my site, MiSTing Heaven (199.106.87.9/~boffo/msting.html)
for my other MiSTings, as well as a fairly comprehensive MiSTing index,
and some archived works by other authors.
Other works MiSTed by me include:
"NEED CASH FAST? Play this WIN-WIN game! You CAN'T LOSE!"
- a standard Get Rich Quick Scheme
"Generations II"
- a story written by a Ratliff groupie in his Marrissa continuity
for some strange reason. Ratliff based his story "A Royal Wedding"
as a sequel to this one.
"Dear Isabella IV/Exposing the Darkness at Point Loma Nazarene College"
- Another one of Ratliff's short shorts as a forward to a rant
even Ratliff couldn't stand about a school (which happens to be
the one I'm currently attending) and one man's attempt to call it
the source of all evil using selective Scripture and gaping logical
holes.
Again, as I hinted at above, I am not the David Hines who MiSTed
"Enterprized" and "A Gul's Revenge", we just have the same name.
Comments are welcome and encouraged at:
dhines@kruncher.ptloma.edu
A personal note: If you have sent me suggestions to update my MST3K pages
before September, 1997, and I have not yet done it, please re-Email me. I
have lost some E-mail.
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(This episode takes place shortly after Episode 810, "Giant Spider Invasion".
At the end of that episode, you may recall, or you may not, Mike and the
'bots were forced to watch that movie again, since Pearl Forrester missed it,
the first time during the zucchini-throwpillows' attempts to take over the
galaxy. Our heroes are just emerging from the theatre. They are breathing
heavily, like someone who has just run a marathon. Crow seems much more
energetic than Mike or Tom. Remember that Crow took a variety of food and
drink stimulants during their first viewing of "Giant Spider Invasion".)
(*...1...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Control Room)
MIKE: Hello everybody, Mike Nelson here. This is Crow T. Robot and Tom
Servo. We've just emerged from having to view the same horrible
movie for a second time, and it's just been a hard day.
TOM: Yeah, so if you out there don't mind, we're just going to put our heads
down and take a nap.
CROW: C'mon guys! What's this nap stuff? I'm still up and full of energy!
Let's do some aerobics! And one and two... (Crow begins swing his
arms about fairly wildly, hitting Mike a couple of times in the
process.)
MIKE: Ow! Oh boy. (Commercial light flashes.) We'll be right back...
[Fast forward past less than handsome women talking about psychic hotlines.
Fast forward past ads for that Highlander catalog. Fast forward past ads for
the videotape of nuclear tests.]
[As we come back, Mike and Tom are encouraging Crow to take deep breaths.
The "Mads" light begins to flash.]
TOM: Uh oh, Mike. Manny, Moe and Jack are calling!
[Mike hits the button. We see Pearl, Bobo and the Observer on the camping
planet {CP}. The Widowmaker is in the background.]
PEARL: Well, Nell Carter, you survived the same movie twice. Yet, the sense
of horror wasn't there this time.
BOBO: Well, Lawgiver, perhaps...
PEARL: (glaring at Bobo) Who is talking here? Anyway, Nelspawn, I've asked
Brain Guy here to come up with an idea as to why. Brain Guy?
OBSERVER: Perhaps it is because they have seen the movie before. So I have
searched the vastness of time and space to come up with something so
absolutely horrific that it cannot fail to make up for this.
[SoL]
MIKE: Oh, come on! We just went through the same movie twice, and you're
already giving us another one?! I'm calling my union!
TOM: Um... Mike, you don't have a union.
[CP]
OBSERVER: Movie? Why who said anything about a movie?
[SoL]
ALL: *Uh oh*....
[CP]
PEARL: Yep, you guessed it. It's Ratliff time again! Have some of "The Only
Constant" with a side dish of "Dear Isabella II"!!! Bon appetit!
[SoL]
MIKE: We've got fanfic sign!!!!!
[The normal general panic ensues amongst various human and robotic wails of
anguish. 6...5...4...3...2...1...*]
MIKE: There are some ethical guidelines to these experiments, aren't there?
TOM: There, there, Mike.
CROW: We know, honey.
>Dear Isabella,
TOM: Oh my. It's starting right up this time. No headers.
>
> Everytime someone mentions thier parents,
CROW: (as Clara) ...we laugh at the thought of adults having power.
> Marrissa gets all
>stiff
[Mike holds Crow's mouth shut.]
MIKE: I will physically kill you if you try, Crow.
> and starts acting all formal like.
TOM: Well, it's about time someone started acting in these stories!
> I can tell it hurts her, but
>holding it in like that isn't going to make it any easier.
CROW: So, instead she'll release it on her "Lord of the Flies" crew.
> She hasn't
>cried since the first day and she acts like a Vulcan, no emotion at all.
MIKE: She's the most annoying Vulcan in the Federation then.
> Marrissa is walled up behind that bright new Star Fleet uniform
>she earned.
TOM: That she earned by playing glorified video games and lasting the
longest, but earned nonetheless, I guess.
> She hides ever sorrow she suffers, but tries to deny her
>suffering.
CROW: Strawberry juice plays a large role in that.
> I remember when my Mom died.
MIKE: It was a bad season 5 episode, if that isn't redundant.
TOM: Fanboy.
> It seemed I hadn't stopped crying
>for months. I got over it.
CROW: I am completely over it. I no longer talk about it. It is the
furthest thing from my mind. You will not hear me mention it. The
subject will not pass my lips.
> I had my father to lean on and share my
>sorrow.
> Maybe that's why Marrissa isn't doing anything about her grief.
>She has no one to share her sorrow.
MIKE: She has no one who *wants* to share her sorrow.
> I know she's not seeing the
>Counselor. I know, Troi's come looking for her several times, but
>Marrissa seems to leave just befor her arrival.
TOM: That's one of the few things I'll have to agree with Marrissa on.
> I wish I could do something to help.
CROW: Euthanasia comes to mind.
MIKE: Isn't it a bit too early to get dark?
>
>Your Friend,
>Clara Sutter
>
TOM: (as grizzled old sea captain, sounding a bit like Nestor Paiva in
"Revenge of the Creature"): Ar, Batten down the hatches, men! The
main nor'easter is blowin' in!
> Star Trek
>The Next Generation
>
>The Only Constant
[At this point, the laws of time and space vary and fluctuate, producing
what would be a great and expensive special effect... if we weren't in
shadow, thus propelling one Mike Barklage into the theatre with only a few
weird sounds.]
MIKE B.: The only constant in Ratliff's writing is that it sucks!
[The same weird sounds occur again, and Mike Barklage is returned to his
proper place in the space time continuum.]
MIKE (Nelson): ..the heck?
CROW: Everyone in the multiverse agrees on that one point.
>
>A Marrissa Story
>
>by Stephen Ratliff
ALL:AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOM: We never will be able to handle that without pain, will we?
MIKE: No, honey.
>
>Prologue
>
> With the capture of former Starfleet Commander Michael
>Eddington, the Cardassian Federation Demilitarized Zone had become a
>quite patrol.
CROW: Quite?
TOM: Quite.
> The Maquis had seemingly stopped there military
>activities in the zone. True the Maquis still controlled three Intrepid
>Class Starships, but the Stargazer hadn't seen any of them since they
>had rescued the Roanoke.
MIKE: I would have thought long and hard before rescuing Ratliff's hometown.
> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard was commanding during Beta
>Shift. She was getting a little bored with the routine of late.
CROW: (as Marrissa) We haven't had a public flogging in days!
> She
>had enjoyed her first two months on the Stargazer. Her missions as
>Fighter Commander had been very exciting.
TOM: As exciting as traffic patrol can be, anyway.
> A beep came from the tactical station behind her. Lieutenant
>Ross Lochard who was manning the station announced,
MIKE: (as Ross) What an *excellent* decision, Marrissa! And the quality of
that beep.... marvelous!
> "We have a ship
>exiting the DMZ at 152 mark 4, distance 3 parsecs No identification is
>being broadcast."
CROW: (as Ross) And they don't have a current registration sticker on their
license!
> "Set a course to intercept them, warp 5," Marrissa ordered.
>"Notify the Captain of our change in course."
TOM: (as captain): No, we're not turning around! You should have gone before
we left!
> "Aye sir."
>
>
>Chapter One
MIKE: One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do...
>
> The ship was dark.
CROW: It had read too much Ratliff. Necessary side effect.
> Only a couple lights on the control panels
>were illuminating the room. Captain Chelsea Clinton grasp
ALL: Eeeewwww!!!!!!
> at the helm
>of her spaceship.
ALL: Whew!
> Minutes earlier she had been orbiting Saturn. Now
>her ship seemed to be dead in space. "Shoemate, Deigo, Venci," she
>called out.
TOM: Shoemate?!
MIKE: How much do you want to bet Ratliff didn't mean to name those
characters Diego and Vinci?
CROW: No bet.
TOM: *SHOEMATE?!* What kind of name is that?!
MIKE: Well, he's finally topped Throwaway, I think.
> "I hear you Captain," Jason Shoemate's voice called from back at
>Communications. "Venci is over here, she's out."
CROW: And Venci is out, Shoemate is the new... nah, it's not as fun when that
actually is what Ratliff means.
> "Deigo, here,"
TOM: Dayglo?
> another man's voice announced. "What happened."
MIKE: (monotone) I'm concerned.
> "You tell me Ensign," Clinton responded.
CROW: (as Deigo) No, I asked you first!
> "You're the pilot.
>Get yourself over here and find out. Shoemate, can you get us some
>power?"
TOM: What is it with Ratliff and female commanders wanting more power?
> "Give me a minute," Shoemate responded. "I think we can blame
>this on Venci, her foot seems to have knocked the Power Supply
>Controller out of it's socket."
MIKE: She tripped over the cord. Your tax dollars at work, ladies and
gentlemen!
> "I thought there was a screen over that," Deigo said.
> "Well it's gone now. Bingo."
CROW: Ensign Bingo?
MIKE: Well, you know, there was a farmer who had a dog...
ALL: (hum the mildly catchy children's song about the farmer's dog.)
> Power came up on the bridge. It
>revealed rather cramped quarters. The helm was built attached to the
>forward screen. The Captain's Chair was to the right near the back and
>Communications opposite it. A plaque was behind the Captain's chair.
TOM: The bridge needs to brush.
>It read: USS Stargazer USA-75, Exploratory Class. Commissioned 2008.
>The rest of the bridge was painted a gray silver, matching the hull coat
>outside.
MIKE: Hold it. If this is from our time, why do the characters have Navy
instead of Air Force ranks like they use in NASA? There are no
ensigns in the Air Force!
CROW: Just try not to think about it....
> "Captain, I've got bad news." Deigo announced suddenly, after
>Chelsea had time to survey her bridge.
> "What is it Ensign?" Clinton asked.
> "We aren't orbiting Saturn anymore."
TOM: (as Deigo) Our ship seems to have landed on a wicked witch...
MIKE: Was it Marrissa?
> "Shoemate, go wake up Stella," Clinton began in rapid fire.
CROW: She gets that decision making ability from her mother.
>"Brief her and see what you two can find where we are. Take Venci to
>Sickbay and wake up Doctor Chiba.
TOM: (singing) Ch-ch-ch-chiba!
> Deigo, I want a full scan. Perhaps
>if we can find a landmark we can find a way home.
MIKE: All of a sudden, it's Voyager.
>
> Captain T'Gwen Washington entered the bridge of the fighter
>carrier Stargazer.
CROW: ...having just been woken up.
> She had been working on a evaluation of the
>Stargazer, in order to assist Admiral Scott on the conversion of
>additional Constellation Class Starships to the Stargazer carrier
>variant.
TOM: If not fully satisfied with your new ship, just return the undestroyed
portion for a full refund!
> But when the call about the incursion came in, it peaked her
>interest. The Maquis had been quiet since Eddington's capture. True
>there had been some sort of elections in the DMZ, but the Intrepid Class
>Starships that they had stolen seemed to be staying away from any sign
>of conflict, and the raiders had not even been seen of late.
MIKE: (as Washington) They're having democratic *elections*?! They're
plotting something...
> "Commander Picard, status please," the half-Vulcan captain
>inquired.
CROW: (as Marrissa) Still queen of the universe, captain.
> "We've just dropped out of warp," Marrissa Picard responded. "I
>have the ship on screen." A long cylinder like ship with several
>projections was on the viewscreen. "There is nothing like it I can find
>in our database. It seems to be only sub-light capable. I have no idea
>how it got way out here."
TOM: It's an Earth ship from 2008, and it's not in their database.
MIKE: Really specific report there. *I* am sub-light capable.
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: If I can reach any speed less than the speed of light, I am sub-light
capable.
> "I think I know what it is, and I'm even more puzzled as to how
>it got here," Captain Washington responded. "Scan for markings ... if
>I'm right that's the original Stargazer."
CROW: Wouldn't the original Stargazer be Adam?
> "That doesn't look like a Starfleet vessel," Marrissa commented.
> "It's not, if I'm right ..."
> "Confirmed Captain," Lieutenant Lochard responded..
> "... That is the USS Stargazer USA-75, commissioned 2008 second
>of the Exploratory Class ships which explored the outer solar system.
>She disappeared in 2010. No sign of her was ever found."
TOM: (as Washington) Hey, wait a minute! *I* got to be right! Not Marrissa
the wonder-goddess! *Me*! Cool!
>
> Jose Deigo blinked. He was sure that hadn't been there before.
>"Captain," he called out.
MIKE: (as Deigo) There are stars out there!
> Captain Clinton came up beside him. "Yes Ensign."
CROW: (as Deigo) Then I have my answer! I'm dancing on air!
> "I just found another ship ... but I was sure nothing was that
>close and it has this strange receding sensor echo."
TOM: (as Deigo) Like Robert Picardo.
> "That's one big ship," Clinton responded. "Can you find any
>identifying markings?"
MIKE: (as Deigo): It reads "I was beaten by a bunch of kids", sir.
> "Scanning now ..." Deigo said. He expected that any markings he
>found would be in some language he'd never seen before. He didn't
>expect English, and he certainly didn't expect it to read what it did.
>"Captain, you're not going to believe this..."
CROW: (as Deigo) It's the U.S.S. Barney!
> He pointed out the
>screen.
> "NCC-2893, USS Stargazer," Clinton read. "Well that wasn't what
>I expected. Ensign, secure your station and take communications. Lets
>see if my friend Marrissa is still on board."
TOM: (as Chelsea) If so, open fire!
>
> Glinn Gusat, the Stargazer's Cardassian first officer entered
>the bridge.
MIKE: (as a valley-dude Gusat) Was there, like, some kind of alert or
something I was supposed to be up here for?
> "I heard that we have just encountered an old Earth ship."
CROW: Pretty fast grapevine on that ship.
> "Very old, Glinn," Captain Washington said. "Lieutenant
>Lavelle, what do we know on that ship."
TOM: That should be nothing, since it wasn't in the database.
> "The USS Stargazer was a Exploratory Class space ship
>commissioned in 2008," Sam Lavelle began. "She had a crew of 12. Her
>mission was to gather data on Saturn, its rings and moons. She
>disappeared on May 5, 2010. Her Commanding Officer was Captain
>Clinton."
> "Chelsea Clinton?" Marrissa interrupted.
> "Yes," Lavelle confirmed. "The daughter of the forty-second
>president of the United States."
MIKE: (as Lavelle) ...and the least annoying choice of the three
possibilities.
> "I know them both," Marrissa replied.
> "How is that possible, Commander," Gusat inquired.
CROW: (as Marrissa): Well, it started with a guy named Lyam, who was covered
with eyes and hair.
> "Lets just say I was involved in a temporal problem, and leave
>it at that," Marrissa responded.
TOM: (as Marrissa) I didn't receive a good grade in that class.
> "Captain, I'm receiving a radio hail form that ship," Lochard
>responded.
> "Lets hear it," the Captain responded.
MIKE: (singing) Video killed the radio star...
> "This is Captain Chelsea Clinton of the United States Spaceship
>Stargazer USA-75, to the USS Stargazer NCC-2893. Please respond on
>channel 7."
CROW: Do they have proper FCC licenses for that?
> "It repeats after that," Lochard said.
TOM: (as Lochard) Sort of like a "buzz clip".
> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, what does channel 7 refer to,"
>Washington asked.
MIKE: (as Marrissa) "Lois and Clark" is on.
> "Early visual broadcasts, known as television," Marrissa stated.
>"7 is one of the VHF channels, one of the better part of the broadcast
>spectrum."
> "Lavelle, can you configure our communications system to that
>frequency?" Washington inquired.
CROW: (as Lavelle) But, sir! I'll miss The Simpsons!
> "Confirmed, give me a minute," Lavelle responded. He worked at
>his console for a moment.
TOM: (as Lavelle) OK, the red wire connects the console's left audio out
to the monitor's left audio in, and the black wire... almost got it!
> "Ready."
> "On screen," Washington ordered.
>
> On board the original Stargazer, the communications screen began
>receiving the signal from it's successor. The bridge of the starship
>appeared. Captain Clinton observed a human with pointed ears sitting in
>the center seat. On her right side was an alien like nothing she'd ever
>seen.
MIKE: Bill would never expose his daughter to people who were different...
> He, she, or it had white skin with heavy scale like eye ridges
>and a spoon like depression above the nose.
CROW: But Chelsea was trained to blame all depressions on the Republicans.
> The alien's neck looked
>like an over-muscled bodybuilder's. However standing to the left of the
>center seat was a familiar face that she hadn't seen for over a dozen
>years.
TOM: Seeing it now, she wondered why God hated her.
> Marrissa hadn't aged a day. There was another alien at the
>center forward console, but all the other positions seemed to be filled
>by humans.
MIKE: After all, humans were the important people.
'BOTS: AHEM!
MIKE: Present company excluded, of course.
'BOTS: Alright then.
> "This is Captain Chelsea Clinton of the spaceship Stargazer ...
>can you tell me when and where I am and how I got here."
CROW: Sorry, Chelsea, but no one wants THAT mental image in their heads.
> "I am Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Federation starship
>Stargazer. I can't answer the last question, but you are on the edge of
>the Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone and the year is 2373."
> "Should I expect a way back?" Clinton asked.
TOM: (as Washington) Not since those block grants went into effect.
> Captain Washington looked at Marrissa. Washington tilled her
>head in an inquiry,
MIKE: Well, it's a fertile field.
CROW: Still, that's gotta hurt!
> and Marrissa shook her head. "I do not foresee
>one," Washington responded.
TOM: Answer hazy, ask again later.
> "Then since I have no faster than light drive, I request a tow
>to the nearest Federation base," Clinton responded.
> "Agreed, I'll send Lieutenant Commander Picard on board as my
>liaison,"
MIKE: (as Chelsea) No, wait! We've changed our mind! We'll walk!
> Washington responded. "We should be able to tow you to Deep
>Space Nine in about an hour. Starship Stargazer out."
>
>
>Chapter Two
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
>
> A column of light appeared on the bridge of the spaceship
>Stargazer. As it disappeared, a young blond girl in a Starfleet uniform
>materialized. Captain Chelsea Clinton looked up at the girl. "Welcome
>aboard, Marrissa."
CROW: Interestingly enough, Marrissa had not used the transporter.
> "Thank you, Captain," the Lieutenant Commander replied.
> "What don't remember my name, Marrissa," Chelsea Clinton stated.
>"After all that mess back before the launch of the Athena. How long has
>it been?"
TOM: (as Marrissa) You simply didn't recite enough of my titles, mortal. Try
again.
> "Three months for me," Marrissa responded. "And you?"
> "Almost a dozen years," Clinton replied. "How is my ship going
>to be towed?"
MIKE: (as Marrissa) Space donkeys.
> "We're going to bring it between the upper warp pair and the
CROW: Say!
>saucer," Marrissa explained. "We'll use the docking tractor beam units
>to secure the ship then we'll proceed at warp 5 to Deep Space Nine."
TOM: (as Marrissa): Who cares about your oxygen supply?! We have a speed
limit here!
> "I assume you are our harbor pilot," Clinton said. "I hope you
>know how to fly my ship."
> Marrissa surveyed the controls. "It's not much different from
>that shuttlecraft your father had me flying for him."
MIKE: (as Marrissa) I know everything!
> "Then Commander, take the helm," Clinton ordered. "Try not to
>bump into anything important."
> "Have you been taking to Wesley or something," Marrissa asked,
>beginning to bring the little craft around the back of the starship
>Stargazer.
> "I wish," Clinton responded. The rest of the maneuver was
>accomplished in silence.
CROW: Everyone was too shocked by the prospect of someone *wanting* to talk
to Wesley to speak.
> The spaceship moved up behind the starship and
>between and slightly to the left of starship's upper starboard warp
>engine and it's saucer section. Blue tractor beams lanced out and
>secured the space ship. Soon the view out the front window of the
>spaceship Stargazer was one that it had never seen before.
TOM: It displayed "My Computer", "Recycle Bin", and "Set Up The Microsoft
Network".
> Stars streaked by the ship, giving visible evidence of the speed
>they were going. Chelsea Clinton sighed, "It's beautiful."
> Marrissa looked up at the window. It wasn't anything special.
>Marrissa had spent most of her life on starships, first the Galaxy, then
>the Enterprise, and now the Stargazer. She couldn't remember what it
>was like the first time she had seen the stars streaking by at warp. It
>was an every day background to her life. Still it must be something
>special the first time.
MIKE: Ratliff, please tell me you're not being metaphorical here.
>
> "Message from Deep Space Nine,"
CROW: (as Ross) It reads: "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! *She*'s back! Go away!"
> Lieutenant Ross Lochard
>announced on the bridge of the starship Stargazer. "Imminent invasion
>of Dominion forces is indicated. Request assistance of all available
>starships."
> "Mister Dukat, increase speed to maximum," the Captain ordered.
TOM: (as Dukat) In other words, I get to give the order to break the speed
limit. Gee, thanks, Captain!
>"Notify Captain Clinton."
MIKE: (as Dukat) You're going to be cannon fodder, Chelsea.
>
> This was not the type of universe Chelsea had pictured when she
>had realized she had been thrown three hundred sixty-two years into the
>future. "You mean these shape shifters plan to invade the whole
>quadrant?"
> "It looks like that," Marrissa Picard informed the spaceship
>captain from the past.
CROW: Now that Chelsea's been read the season summaries for DS9, we can
continue.
> "What about my crew?" Clinton asked. "What about my ship?"
> "We'd like to take your crew aboard my ship for the moment,"
>Marrissa responded. "As for your ship, we're going to place it in orbit
>of Bajor Seven until this clears up."
TOM: (as Marrissa) There's a little matter of a speeding ticket...
MIKE: Isn't it time we let Time Speeder go?
TOM: I don't think so.
MIKE: Me neither. (snickers evilly)
> "I'd like to stay aboard her," Clinton stated. "My crew can
>leave however."
> "Captain, it's better for both you and your ship if you come
>aboard the Stargazer," Marrissa responded, forgetting for the moment
>that both ships shared the name. "If it appears that the ship is empty
>and nonfunctional, they will leave it alone. If someone is aboard, then
>they might decide to destroy it."
CROW: That sounds like a plan that's only 50% unless you have the author
wrapped around your finger. They might want target practice.
Something wrong might happen with the orbit. Think, Marrissa!
> "You have a point, Commander," Clinton conceded. "I'll beam
>aboard the starship."
TOM: (sarcastic) Oh, what were the odds of seeing "Clinton" and
"conceded" next to each other?
> "Thank you Captain," Marrissa responded. "Picard to Stargazer,
>beam all the crew aboard."
MIKE: (as Marrissa) Leave the officers here to die!
[Commercials. Fast forward past Time Life books. Fast forward past the
Dominion. Fast forward past yet another Sci-Fi channel "original" movie
that we should be seeing here in a few years.]
>
>Chapter Three
ALL: (singing) A-B-C! 1-2-3! Baby, you and me!
>
> The starship Stargazer held at station keeping just above Deep
>Space Nine. Below them Captain Sisko was about to attempt to close the
>wormhole. The crew of the Stargazer hoped they would be successful.
CROW: The Paramount executives hoped they would fail.
>They had heard what had happened to the listening stations, the Sarajevo
>and other starships, and Bajor's colony in the Gamma Quadrant. They did
>not want it to happen here.
TOM: (as crew of Stargazer) We don't want to be plot devices made up by
Ratliff!
> Deep Space Nine opened fire. A beam shot out at the wormhole.
>It opened and the fire continued. Then Deep Space Nine ceased, but the
>wormhole didn't close. Instead a fleet of Jem'Hadar warships emerged.
MIKE: (as Sisko) Whoops! That was the "Make a Jem'Hadar Fleet" button, not
the "Close the Wormhole" button! Sorry, guys! Our bad!
> "Hold your fire, Duvek," Captain Washington ordered.
> The Jem'Hadar ships turned, but that wasn't the only ship
>moving. A Klingon Bird of Prey moved from the Alpha Quadrant lines.
>"What is Dad doing," Dukat Mikor wondered.
CROW: Attempting to fix the blatant discontinuity between the regular Star
Trek universe and the Ratliffverse.
> "Captain, the Defiant is hailing the Klingon ship," Lieutenant
>Lavelle said from Ops. "Tight beam response from the Klingon ship."
>There was a long pause. "Transmission has ended. Defiant reports
>Cardassians have joined the Dominion."
TOM: (as Defiant) Just take our word for it.
> Captain Washington and Lieutenant Commander Picard turned to
>face the ship's Cardassian First Officer. "I haven't been informed of
>such an action. Not even a hint of one," Glinn Gusat responded.
>"Lieutenant, can you open a channel to Cardassian Central Command. I
>wonder if they know about this." As he spoke, the Jem'Hadar ships and
>Gul Dukat's ship warped toward Cardassia.
MIKE: (as Lavelle) That's a pretty stupid order...
> "You heard him, Lieutenant," Washington confirmed.
MIKE: (as Lavelle) But, OK!
> "Aye sir," Lavelle responded. And after a moment spoke up
>again. "Legate Dudar, commanding Central Command on screen."
CROW: Ah! Babar's nephew in California!
> "Glinn Gusat, what is this nonsense about the Dominion," Dudar
>inquired.
> "It seems Gul Dukat has been very busy. He says he's been
>negotiating with the Dominion in order to merge with them," Gusat
>responded.
(All clear their throats)
> "Ridiculous," Dudar responded.
> "I don't know Legate, but that fleet I just saw warping your way
>didn't look like it was coming for a vacation," Marrissa spoke up.
>"Lavelle, transmit our readings on that fleet."
> Dudar looked down at his console, then quickly back up at them.
>"I had no idea, and I can be pretty sure that my government had none as
>well," Dudar pleaded. "Can you do anything to help. My fleet can't do
>anything against that."
TOM: (as Dudar) But I'm sure your one ship with Marrissa aboard can take
care of them easily!
> "I'll see what I can do," Washington promised. "Meanwhile I
>suggest you set up a resistance." The channel closed. "Lavelle, I want
>continuous monitoring of Cardassian Space. Gusat, come with me.
>Picard, deal with our visitors from the past. Lochard, you have the
>bridge."
MIKE: (as Washington) Let's avoid a Ratliff battle scene if we can help it,
ladies and gentlemen.
>
> Marrissa Picard entered the Fighter Conference lounge of the
>Stargazer. The room was designed so that she could debrief all 49 of
>the ship's fighter pilots at once. Today it seemed vacant with only the
>dozen crew members of the spaceship Stargazer seated around the second
>table. "Sorry it took so long for me to get to you," she apologized.
> "That's OK, Commander," Chelsea Clinton responded. "I'm sure
>this ship puts a lot of demands on your time."
CROW: (as Marrissa) No, I'm just inconsiderate.
> "You don't know the half of it," Picard responded. "I've talked
>with Starfleet, and we don't think that returning you to the
>twenty-first century would be a good idea or even possible. Especially
>since your disappearance was a primary force in the formation of the
>United Earth Space Probe Organization, from which Starfleet comes from."
> "How can that be Commander?" Ensign Deigo asked.
TOM: Plot convenience for an author who wants Chelsea to marry Wesley. Ick.
> "Ten days after your ship's disappearance, it was discovered
>that the Chinese had a ship that was just entering Saturn orbit when you
>disappeared," Marrissa explained. "It was felt that if the Chinese had
>known, perhaps they could have saved you. Coupled with an earlier
>disappearance of the Yorkshire from Jupiter orbit and the destruction of
>the Osaka in route to Mars, it lead to the formation of the UESPO. The
>disappearances showed the dangers and the rescue of the Osaka's crew by
>the crew of the Apollo showed that cooperation could save lives."
MIKE: So, if it weren't for Americans dying, no one would have cared?
> "OK, so what is going to happen to us?" Lieutenant Commander
>Shoemate asked.
> "Well, you do have the option to join Starfleet at your current
>rank," Marrissa stated. "You'd have to go though a couple years of
>training, probably, with some of you that may be on the job training,
>like I have gotten. If not, then the Office of Displaced Persons and
>Colonization will help you adjust to modern times and assist you in
>finding a home."
CROW: (as Marrissa) Right after we have another preachy episode telling
us not to discriminate against those whose sexual orientation is
"footwear".
> "That's all well and good for long range, but what about
>immediate plans?" Deigo asked.
> "We will be transferring you to Deep Space Nine and then taking
>you to Earth when the next Starship departs for there." Marrissa
>responded. "Your ship has been docked at Deep Space Nine's upper pylon
>two, not an easy job. You can retrieve your stuff from her at any time.
TOM: (as Marrissa) You know, your bermuda shorts, your CD Player, your
underwear collection. Stuff.
(Mike and Crow shake their heads.)
>She will be taken with you to the Fleet museum orbiting Neptune."
> "Commander, I'd like to make a request concerning my ship's
>return," Clinton asked. "I'd like to return her to Earth orbit on her
>own power and then take her to the museum myself."
> "I'll pass it along," Marrissa stated. "But I see no reason why
>your request can't be granted."
MIKE: (as Marrissa) Other than the fact that it should take you a few
million years...
> "Thank you Commander," Clinton thanked. "I assume you have
>quarters assigned for us on Deep Space Nine?"
CROW: (as Marrissa): Slave quarters, yes.
> "Yes, and I've also convinced the Fleet to pay you the current
>rates for your service since you launched from Earth," Marrissa stated.
>"Since NASA had a pay on return policy, I figured it was due to you. So
>you all have two years worth of pay at your current ranks in the
>accounts I set up for you."
TOM: Which is fairly meaningless, since they don't use money anymore.
> "Thank you commander," Clinton responded. "How you pulled that
>one off, I don't know."
> "Simple," Marrissa said.
MIKE: (as Marrissa) Rabidly American author.
> "I have a very good Yeoman assigned to
>me. I asked her to find out any way to get you some starting cash,
>because despite what most of the Federation claims, money is still
>something one needs.
CROW: Only if Chelsea and company plan to deal with a lot of Ferengis.
> She found the clause that merged the UESPO into
>Starfleet, and a similar clause for the NASA merger into UESPO. And
>then she discovered that you hadn't been paid for two years. I just
>convinced Starfleet Payroll to pay up. They're still calculating the
>hazard pay for temporal travel."
TOM: You know you're pretty well off when Starfleet computers can't calculate
your pay.
>
> A hundred or so Cardassians who had been stationed on the
>Stargazer gathered in her fighter bay. Captains Washington and Sisko,
>and Glinn Gusat stood before them. "Gentlemen, Cardassia is now a part
>of the Dominion," Glinn Gusat announced. "As such, they are now
>withdrawing us from the Stargazer. Joint operations are now ended. A
>warship will be picking us up at 0700 hours tomorrow morning. Now
>Captain Sisko has an offer for you."
MIKE: (Italian) It's an offer you can't refuse.
> "Gentlemen, we have reason to believe that the take over by the
>Dominion was not peaceful," Sisko began. "Several executions of
>Cardassian leadership have been broadcast including the head of the
>Detapa Council and Legate Dudar. Therefore, the Federation is offering
>Political asylum to any one who believes that their life may be in
>danger upon their return. Now Captain Washington would like to have a
>word with you."
CROW: (as TV announcer) Don't answer yet! Look at what else you get! Now
how much would you pay?
> "Gentlemen, I've found you all almost without exception to be
>some of the best officers that I've had the honor of commanding,"
TOM: (as Washington) The one exception is Marrissa.
>Captain T'Gwen Washington responded, without showing a sign of emotion.
>"I have made such notations on your records for the personal review
>which Glinn Gusat just completed with the assistance of Commander
>Picard. Commander Picard has a gift for her fighter pilots before they
>leave. Please stop by her quarters.
CROW: (as Washington) She's gonna put on a dashiki and blow your mind!
MIKE: Crow! Think about who we're talking about!
CROW: Oh yeah. Whoops! Sorry about that, Mike.
> It's been an honor commanding you.
>Dismissed."
>
>Chapter Four
ALL: ...on the floor.
>
> Mekor stood nervously in front of a door in the habitat ring.
TOM: First date.
>He'd never met his half sister Ziyal. He'd been at the Cardassian Space
>Academy when she'd come home with his father, and his mother had
>promptly thrown both his father and Ziyal out. He pressed the button.
CROW: (as you-know-who) Press the button, Frank!
MIKE: I don't know, Crow. In five hundred years, I think that impression has
lost something...
>"Coming," a voice called from within. Moments later the door opened.
>The young Cardassian woman who answered it had less defined ridges and
>her noise was almost Bajoran, but that was to be expected of a half
>Cardassian half Bajoran.
TOM: She's Cardassian-lite!
> She was wearing a dark gray and maroon dress.
MIKE: (as Bugs Bunny) Watta maroon.
>"Who are you?" she inquired.
CROW: (as Ziyal) *What* are you?
> "I'm Dukat Mikor, and I'm your half-brother," he responded.
> "Did father send you?" Ziyal replied, hostile in tone. "Because
>if he did you can go right now."
TOM: (as Ziyal) I'm not paying the postage!
> "No, and I'm not sure if I want to see him again," Mekor
>responded. "Can I come in?"
> "All right, but I'd advise not telling father," Ziyal responded,
MIKE: How is he going to tell their father if he never sees him again?
>moving aside so her brother could enter. "He's not happy with me right
>now."
> "Oh?" Mekor asked, entering the room.
> "He doesn't like the fact that I spend time with Garek,"
CROW: No one does, dear.
> Ziyal
>replied as they walked over to her couch and sat down. "It's not like
>there are a lot of other Cardassians round to talk to. That and the fact
>that I don't approve of what he's been doing to Cardassia."
TOM: (as Ziyal) That mauve shade will *never* do!
> "I'm not happy with him either," Mekor stated. "I've been
>enjoying my post on the Stargazer. I've just been promoted to wing
>commander, and
MIKE: (as Mekor) I'm getting along great with Mark Hamill.
> become the first Cardassian to receive the Star Fleet
>Medal of Honor. And now all of that is gone."
CROW: I call no way! How did a first officer of a ship that was never in a
significant or dangerous battle receive Star Fleet's highest honor?
> "Father seems to love ruining his children's lives," Ziyal
>responded.
TOM: Well, Ratliff loves ruining his readers' lives.
> "It's his way or no way," Mekor responded. "And Cardassia comes
>before all."
> "I only know one person who can get her way with him," Ziyal
>said. "No one messes with Major Kira, but Dad isn't listening to anyone
>now."
> "Do you think I should return to Cardassia?" Mekor asked. "Sisko
>says I don't have to. But I don't know what I want to do."
> "This may sound kind of selfish, but stay here,"
MIKE: (singing) Just a little bit longer...
> Ziyal
>responded.
> "What would I do, and how would I support myself," Mekor asked.
> "You're a pilot with a Starfleet Medal of Honor, it shouldn't be
>too hard for you to find a job," Ziyal responded. "After all I have
>one."
> "Where?" Mekor asked.
CROW: (as Ziyal) Token minority!
> "I work and Garek's Taylor shop as a seamstress and saleswoman,"
>Ziyal responded. "I'm in charge while he is away."
TOM: Oh, now Ratliff's just giving us the Torgo jokes! He's not even trying
anymore!
> "So it's strictly a professional relationship," Mekor stated.
> "Currently," Ziyal responded. "That and he tells me a lot about
>Cardassia."
> "You sound like you'd like more," Mekor responded.
MIKE: The first one's free...
> "Yes, but it's none of your business," Ziyal stated defensively.
> "Hey, I'm your brother," Mekor replied. "Younger, but still I'm
>supposed to make sure all your dates are enough good for you."
CROW: Mekor and Garak are going to go have a fight behind the soccer field!
> "I assume that means you're staying," Ziyal asked.
> "I guess I am," Mekor said. "I better go talk to Captain Sisko."
>
> Jon Shoemate walked into Quarks. Quark noted the young man as
>he proceeded over to the bar. Quark had heard about the crew of the
>Stargazer from a conversation between Dax and Sisko earlier in the
>evening. He figured that they'd be easy marks.
TOM: (as Quark) I've got a new holosuite program involving a pair of Nike's!
High tops!
>
> Jon looked over the large eared alien, boy things were strange
>in the future. "Well since I'm off duty and likely to stay that way,
>I'll have a Budwieser."
> "I'm afraid I don't know what that is," Quark responded.
> "A beer," Jon said, wondering how the alien had missed that ad
>campaign, then realized that it had been some time since the Stargazer
>had last been seen.
MIKE: Brand names have disappeared, while money has not?
> "No that I can handle," Quark said. "They're are plenty of
>openings at the daubo tables."
CROW: 500 years of time travel, and what does this guy get? Liquor and
gambling.
> Shoemate figured that was the name of the gambling game he'd
>seen on the way in. "No thanks. I'm still getting use to this time. I
>don't need to get use to being in debt too." "I also have
>holosuites available," Quark replied.
> "What are those?" Shoemate inquired as Quark placed the beer in
>front of him.
> Quark smelled an easy mark. "With a holosuite you can go where
>ever you want if you have a program to do so," Quark explained.
TOM: Or if you can just give a vague description.
> "How about a Atlanta Braves game, from about 1990," Shoemate
>asked. "As a fan."
> "You're in luck," Quark responded. "Captain Sisko is a big
>baseball fan, although his team is called the London Kings. I happen to
>have all 6 games of the 1992 World Series."
> "How much for one game," Shoemate asked. "In federation
>credits."
> "10 thousand," Quark responded.
> Shoemate knew that was ridiculous, that was a sixth of what
>Star Fleet had given him for his two years as first officer on the
>spaceship Stargazer. Judging from the fact that this station, which
>he'd been informed use to be an ore processing station, had them,
>holosuites had to be something that took less than four months pay of a
>Lieutenant Commander. "1 credit," Shoemate responded, hoping to let
>Quark know that he wasn't buying it.
MIKE: Sir, you offend me!
> "You must be joking, 2 thousand," Quark responded. "And I'm
>losing on it."
CROW: Quark must be descended from those same people that make video games
that take four quarters to play.
> "You're joking, I could by a bar for that," Shoemate replied.
>He knew from Quarks counter that he was changing way over cost. "2
>credits."
TOM: (as Count Von Count) TWO GLORIOUS CREDITS!!!! Ah ah ah ah ah ah!!!!!
> "5 hundred," Quark responded. "And you couldn't buy my bar for
>four times my original offer for the baseball game."
> "5 credits... and I'll take two games, the winning ones,"
>Shoemate replied.
> "10 credits each, and a credit if you want popcorn," Quark said,
>abandoning his attempt at over charging for the holosuite as he saw Odo
>approaching.
MIKE: (as Odo) No free enterprise allowed here, Quark!
> "7 credits each," Shoemate stated.
> "9 credits and popcorn included," Quark stated.
> "Add another beer and you have a deal," Shoemate said.
> "Agreed, you drive a hard bargain..."
CROW: Not a very good businessman, is he? Talked down to less than one
one-thousandth of his original price...
> "Jon Shoemate."
>
> Marrissa Picard and Chelsea Clinton where walking down the
>Promenade. Marrissa had changed into one of her conformable jumpsuits,
TOM: Marrissa just has to dominate everything!
>and Chelsea was wearing one of her NASA uniforms as that was all she
>had. "So you say this Garek makes good clothes," Chelsea asked.
> "Well he made the dress that got me on the best dressed list
>this year," Marrissa responded.
MIKE: How can someone who normally goes around in a military uniform make a
best dressed list?
> "And he's the only one who I know that
>makes comfortable dresses. His shirts and pants aren't that bad either.
CROW: (as Marrissa) I sneak into his closet when he's not around.
>As for his conversations ... well he use to be a member of the Obsidian
>Order before they kicked him out, so he'll try to get every last bit of
>info from you."
TOM: (as Marrissa) Like your *real* sizes! Can you believe it?
> "You mean he's a spy?" Chelsea asked.
> "Former, the Obsidian Order exiled him," Marrissa confirmed.
>"And that order is gone as a result of an attack on the Dominion home
>world by them and the Romulan Tal'shiar. Now Garek is just a witty
>tailor."
> They reach Garek's shop. Beside the door was a sign in English,
>Bajoran, Cardassian, and Klingon stating Garek's Tailor Shop,
>alterations, and special orders available. Garek Elim owner. Next to
>it was a picture of Marrissa in a stunning navy blue evening gown.
MIKE: It reminded his customers on credit to "pay or else".
>Below the picture words read proud tailor of this year's best dressed in
>the Federation winner Princess Marrissa of Essex. (According to People
>Magazine).
CROW: I refuse to believe that People has survived for nearly four hundred
years, including a nuclear holocaust.
> "Nice dress," Chelsea commented.
> "I had to wear something to the ball that Victoria had for my
>fifteen birthday," Marrissa responded.
TOM: (as Marrissa) I was going to go in my birthday suit, but Victoria
insisted otherwise.
> "Lets go in."
> Inside Ziyal was sitting by a display table, hand sewing a
>ruffle onto the collar of a man's dress shirt. She looked up. "Good
>afternoon Ziyal," Marrissa stated. "Is Garek in?"
> "He's still in the Gamma Quadrant, Marrissa," Ziyal responded
>with a touch of sadness. "How may I help you?"
MIKE: That's a long lunch.
> "My friend Chelsea needs a whole wardrobe," Marrissa stated.
>"All she's got are these NASA uniforms and they're not exactly stylish."
CROW: But, apparently Starfleet uniforms are.
> "Agreed," Ziyal replied. "Let's see you'll need something to
>relax in, some daily wear, and something formal.
TOM: (as Ziyal) Something borrowed, something blue...
> Let's start with the
>daily wear..."
MIKE: Oh, please no. I don't want to see the fascinating "Chelsea tries on
new clothes" scene.
>
> A couple hours later Chelsea and Marrissa left Garek's.
MIKE: Thanks, Ratliff!
> Chelsea
>was wearing a new dark green polo shirt (Ziyal had pulled the design
>form some archives Garek had purchased) and black slacks. Marrissa had
>a new hat to go with the spring dress that she'd got for the diplomatic
>reception on Bajor next week. She may have not liked dresses, but she
>knew that she couldn't get away with wearing the uniform to all of
>functions she had to attend. Besides, dresses from Garek's fit right.
>Suddenly Deep Space Nine's Red Alert Siren went off.
CROW: Marrissa liked *those* sort of dresses.
> Marrissa tapped
>her communicator. "Picard to Stargazer, Deep Space Nine's alarms just
>went off, what's going on."
> "This is Captain Washington. We've detected warp signatures
>approaching from Cardassia. Report aboard immediately."
> "Aye sir, Picard out. Chelsea, I'd return to your quarters,
>and pray that we stop this. Stargazer, one to beam up."
TOM: (as transporter officer making fake "static noises") What was that?
Kkuuuuhhhh! We can't hear you! Kkuuuuhhhhh!!!!
MIKE: Why don't we leave while they get these transmission problems ironed
out?
(*...1...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Control Room. Complete Darkness.)
MIKE: Crow? Tom? Gypsy? Cambot? Where are you guys?
TOM: We're all here, Mike!
MIKE: Crow, can you get us some power?
CROW: Oh, give me a minute, Mike. I think we can blame this on Servo. His
foot seems to have knocked the Power Supply Controller out of its
socket.
TOM: Crow, I don't *have* feet!
GYPSY: Mike, I'm detecting a large vessel outside!
MIKE: Alright. Calm down, everyone. Gypsy, give me Rocket number nine, try
to find some identifying markings.
[The hexfield opens up to reveal an obvious model of a Nebula-class starship
with the words "USS Stargaser" upon it.]
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Shimmering lights flash, and angelic music is heard as Marrissa {actually
Bridget Jones} appears in a Starfleet uniform.]
MARRISSA: Hello, mortals! I'm here to rescue you!
MIKE: Oh no, you're not! Somebody contact the planet!
[CP. Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are telling stories.]
BOBO: ...and that's when I knew that it was my destiny to be a great mountain
gorilla... (breaks down sobbing).
PEARL: Well, isn't that.....
OBSERVER: Uh.... fascinating!
PEARL: Yes, fascinating is a good word.
BOBO: Then, after that tick bath, I decided to...
PEARL: Check on how the boys upstairs are doing! How goes it, Nellbell?
[SoL. Mike and the 'bots {Gypsy too!} come running on screen from left to
right and back off, screaming.]
ALL:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Marrissa glides by in the same direction.]
MARRISSA: Wait, mortals! We must get back to Deep Space Nine at warp five!
[CP. Pearl, Bobo and the Observer seem shocked.]
BOBO: Yikes.
PEARL: Brain-guy, while I love to watch Nelson, the red nosed temp, suffer,
that omnipotent wonder-brat is going to ruin the experiments!
OBSERVER: I'll see what I can do.
[SoL. Our heroes come on to the screen running in the opposite direction and
back off again.]
ALL:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Marrissa glides back in. Her communicator beeps. Marrissa taps communicator.]
MARRISSA: Marrissa here.
VOICE: [Paul Chaplin] Goddess, we have just learned of a party.
MARRISSA: You mean, I'll have another chance to win a best-dressed award.
Prepare to set course, warp nine.
VOICE: But your magnificence, the speed limit!
MARRISSA: Quiet, mortal! This is another award we're talking about!
[Marrissa disappears. Our heroes run back in from the left, and stop midway.]
CROW: She's gone!
[CP]
PEARL: You can thank Brain-guy for that one.
[SoL]
ALL: (make various expressions of profound gratitude)
MIKE: Thanks, guys! We owe you one! Anytime you need a favor, you let us
know!
[CP]
PEARL: Well, right now, you can go back to this (sarcasm) thrilling literary
masterpiece!
[SoL]
MIKE: We've got fanfic sign again!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre]
TOM: That was as close to the abyss as I ever care to get...
>
>Chapter Five
MIKE: I think when you put this chapter and the next together, they'll be
bankrupt.
CROW: No, Mike.
MIKE: It's funny! Chapter eleven! Bankruptcy!
TOM: No, Mike.
MIKE: It's funny!
>
> Lieutenant Commander Picard walked on to the bridge. Captain
>T'Gwen Washington was standing by the center seat. "Commander, what is
>the status of our fighter wings?"
CROW: (as Marrissa) Still in my iron fist of authority, Captain!
> "We've got three and a half wings," Picard stated.
TOM: (as Marrissa) We can't fly very well.
> "I'll rate
>Red Wing as Excellent, Blue and Green and Good, but Yellow, which is our
>half wing, has never worked together before and lacks a wing commander."
MIKE: (as Marrissa) Hobbes was in charge, but he defected.
> "Dukat is still on DS9 isn't he," Washington asked.
CROW: No, he's the one who's taken over Cardassia. Pay attention!
MIKE: I think he means Mikor/Mekor Dukat, Crow.
CROW: Oh well.
TOM: How did you do that?
MIKE: I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
> "Yes, he resigned from Cardassian Central Command and is staying
>with his half- sister," Marrissa stated.
> "See if you can get him to come back, I'll offer him an acting
>commission," Washington said. "What does that do to our forces?"
CROW: (as Marrissa) Puts them under the command of someone you're asking to
fire on his own people. Great move, Captain!
> "If I put Yellow under Dukat, it brings them up to being just 2
>down," Marrissa said. "And I'll rate that wing as Good."
MIKE: This rating system must do wonders for pilot morale.
> "Then, Number One, get Dukat aboard and get those fighters out
>there," Washington ordered. "We'll see if the Dominion hasn't learnt
>what the Maquis have been learning."
CROW: Never use expendable bit players as your leaders?
TOM: The most treacherous thing to do is have elections?
MIKE: Never use a gas which affects only adults as the centerpiece of your
master plan?
> "Never ignore the gnats," Marrissa completed. "I'll get right
>on it."
>
> Washington watched the viewscreen. The Klingons were arrayed
>around the base along with a sizable Star Fleet prescience.
CROW: Starfleet can predict the future?
> Then
>suddenly Romulan warbirds decloaked. That was only logical to the
>half-Vulcan Captain. When the whole quadrant was threatened, it must
>band together. It reminded her of an old American Revolutionary War
>quote. 'United we stand. Divided we fall.'
TOM: And, of course, every species in the galaxy studies American History.
> "Comm traffic from the Gamma Quadrant," Lieutenant Ross Lochard
>responded. "Captain Sisko is answering it. He's dispatched Major Kira
>on the Defiant to go after a runabout."
> "The Defiant is going to warp," Lavelle announced.
> "Is that Bajoran crazy," Lieutenant Kathy Lochard wondered from
>the helm.
> As they watched the Defiant arrived at the Bajoran Sun and
>tractored the runabout away. The runabout exploded as the Defiant
>vectored away.
> "I'd say she's quite smart," Marrissa said, from Fighter
>Command.
MIKE: Thanks to her, Hotblack Desiato's concert came off perfectly!
> "The warp traces are gone," Lochard announced. "Deep Space Nine
>confirms."
> "Take us down to condition 3," Washington ordered.
> "The Enterprise is entering the system," Lochard announced. "I
>guess Admiral Ellis will be getting his court-martial now."
CROW: Huh? Did Lochard see the CNN schedule for today or something?
>
>
>
>
TOM: Only four linefeeds? Ratliff's slipping a bit....
>Chapter Six
>
> Princess Marrissa Picard entered the large tent where the
>reception for President Inno's arrival was being held.
MIKE: It was at a navel base. You know? Inno? Navel?
CROW: Mike, stop it!
> She was wearing
>her new blue spring dress with a matching wide brimmed hat. Marrissa
>was probably the only Star Fleet officer not in uniform, but she wasn't
>attending as a representative of Star Fleet.
TOM: She was attending in her role of supreme goddess.
> That was her father's and
>Captain Sisko's job. She was there for her home planet of Essex. It
>was the twentieth such reception she had attended since she had become
>heir to the throne. She didn't like them, but was a lot more
>comfortable at them now.
MIKE: Once she realized she'd be asked to recite her titles each time, she
was fine.
> Marrissa proceeded across the tent, greeting those she knew, and
>making her way towards her father. He was talking to Captain Sisko and
>President Inno when Marrissa came up. Captain Sisko was saying, "I
>don't think Gul Dukat is going to back down from his threats."
> "What if we give him the DMZ in exchange for giving up on
>Bajor," Inno asked.
CROW: (as Inno) Then, what if we give him Pacific and North Carolina for
Boardwalk?
> "Appeasement," Marrissa commented.
> The President turned to the young girl and asked, "Pardon?"
TOM: (as Inno) How dare you interrupt me, waitress?
> "Appeasement, that's what that type of policy is called,"
>Marrissa replied. "It's not a historically successful policy."
> "Oh?" Inno remarked.
> "One of my ancestors had a Prime Minister that used that
>policy,"
MIKE: (as Marrissa) One of my ancestor's brother's father's step-aunt's
cousins, actually.
> Marrissa explained. "He gave the local aggressor a part of
>another country. When he came back he proclaimed 'Peace in our
>time.' Two years later Britain was at war with Hitler's Germany and
>Chamberlain was no longer Prime Minister. Millions of people died in
>that war."
CROW: (as Marrissa) They simply didn't realize that they needed to lock the
diplomats in a room and threaten them with physical violence. Poor,
pathetic fools.
> "Then what can I do?" Inno wondered. "Every one wants me to do
>something about it now. I've got to announce some policy soon."
TOM: (as Marrissa) Tell your attorney-general not to appoint a special
prosecutor.
> "Try Containment," Rear-Admiral Jean-Luc Picard suggested.
> "How does that work?" Inno asked.
MIKE: You buy Tupperware and give it to the Dominion! Sheesh! How could
anyone be President of the Federation and not know what
Containment was?
> "You support all the governments around Cardassia," Sisko
>explained. "Helping them defend their borders and resist Changeling
>infiltration."
> "What about Cardassia itself?" Inno inquired.
CROW: (as Inno) Do I help them defend their borders as well?
> "You inform everyone that you have a plan underway," Picard
>suggested. "Of course you may want to hold that and just give a knowing
>smile."
TOM: Telling your constiuency you have a plan when you don't. A proven
Presidential tactic.
> "One thing is for certain, we can't attack now," Sisko said.
>"The Jem'Hadar are arrayed to prevent an attack from the Federation
>border."
> "But if we get everyone on there borders against them," Picard
>began.
> "They won't know which side to turn to," Inno concluded. "I'll
>take it under consideration. Now if you don't mind I better circulate."
MIKE: (as Inno) I think I've let Marrissa dictate enough Federation policy
for today.
> "Mister President, have you met Ambassador Fargos of Hiros,"
>Marrissa asked.
> "No I've never met the 'Jolly Hiros,'" Inno asked. "Would
>you introduce me, your highness."
> "Certainly," Princess Marrissa said, leading the President over
>to a tall laughing man.
CROW: (as man) HEY-O! You are correct, sir!
>
> Alexander was waiting for his father in Quark's.
TOM: Despite being horribly underaged.
> Quark had just
>delivered his root beer, muttering something about the end of something
>civilization. Alex took in the view of the bar. Some off-duty fleet
>officers and Bajorans were playing daubo. Doctor Bashir was ascending
>the stairs to the holosuites dressed in a tuxedo.
MIKE: Well, we can see which episodes Ratliff likes.
> Just entering the bar, were three Klingon warriors who must have
>been drinking somewhere else before. "Bloodwine for us all," the lead
>warrior ordered, his fist crashing on the bar. Quark hurried to serve
>them.
> Picking up their drinks, they turned toward Alexander's table.
>"Well if it isn't the son of a traitor from a family of traitors."
>Alexander calmly sipped his drink. "Oh look, he's drinking pond scum,
>the drink of the dishonored."
CROW: Hmmm... must be Hires.
> "Gentlemen, I suggest you rephrase that," Alexander stated.
>"It's root beer, and as for traitors, look in the mirror instead of
>smearing the honor of an Ambassador."
TOM: (as Alexander) I know you are, but what am I?
> "Oh, the Star Fleet pla'tok is trying to be insulting," the lead
>Klingon replied.
> "If I wanted to be insulting, you'd know," Alexander stated.
>"Now you have two choices, sit down and act with the honor you have been
>sadly lacking, or act like the drunken disgraces you are."
MIKE: (as lead Klingon) We'll vote on it and get back to you.
> The Klingon moved toward Alex, intending to grab the young
>Klingon. Alexander stood up, and dodged the arm. The Klingons pursued
>him, but Alexander artfully dodged him.
CROW: How much pursuing and dodging can you do inside a bar?
> As one of them got below the
>upper level, a chair came down on his head, knocking him out. From the
>balcony, came a voice, "Is this a private fight, or can I join in?"
TOM: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane!
> Alexander looked up to see Clara Sutter, descending the stairs.
TOM: It's a pre-teen girl!
>"Go right ahead, Clara," Alexander replied as more Klingons arrived on
>the scene. Alexander dodged another punch and kicked his opponent in
>the stomach. Two ganged up on the young boy, limiting his dodges.
MIKE: I think Ratliff has played "Double Dragon".
>Suddenly, another Klingon was at his side, bringing his fist down on one
>opponent. Alexander looked up.
> "Its been a while since I was in a good bar fight," Gowron
>remarked, slamming his opponent up against the wall.
CROW: Uh huh. Gowron is going to intervene on the side of the son of a man
whom he considers a traitor against his own people.
> "I image that leading the high council doesn't leave much time,"
>Alexander said, giving his opponent an upper cut that sent him falling
>back.
> "No, but I really should reserve some time for the more
>important things in life," Gowron replied, tossing another Klingon over
>the bar.
TOM: Klingons would really like professional wrestling.
> Alexander then spied Odo and his security guards approaching.
>"I suggest we take a break, before Odo forces us too," Alexander
>remarked, ducking and gesturing towards his table, with his root beer
>still sitting on it. Three bloodwines were also there. "Clara!"
> Clara ducked out from her opponents grasp, and did a flip into a
>chair. "Bar tender, a milkshake please," She cried out as Alexander and
>Gowron sat down.
MIKE: (as Clara) I'm sure he'll fall for this!
CROW: Shouldn't a few people suddenly notice they don't have opponents
anymore?
> Odo and his security guards entered Quarks and began subduing
>the riotous patrons. Odo came up too the table and said, "Now this is a
>surprise. Two Klingons sitting out a bar fight with a young lady. Wait
>a minute, the young lady appears to have a black eye, I wonder how she
>got it. And the Klingons have ridge bruising. Perhaps they'd better
>come down to security."
> Gowron turned around and said, "Constable, I have a feeling that
>you have more than enough people filling up security. For all you know
>I could have just been challenged, and this young couple could have been
>engaged in personal manners." Clara blushed.
TOM: OJ tried that alibi.
> "You have a point, but you really should see Doctor Bashir," Odo
>said gruffly and turned to supervise the removal of the rest of the
>drunken Klingons.
MIKE: This has to be illegal.
[Commercials. Fast forward past Hour of Power. Fast forward past Cool Stuff
from the Cosmos. Fast forward past MST3K. Rewind back to MST3K. Wonder why
they're showing commercials for it *while* you're watching it.]
>
>Chapter Seven
CROW: (singing) All good children go to heaven!
>
> Marrissa was readying the Stargazer to depart for Earth. The
>ship was taking the Space Ship Stargazer and the President Home. This
>wasn't a mission that the Stargazer was designed for, the President
>would be staying in the former First Officer's Quarters and most of his
>staff would be taking alternate transportation. That wasn't Marrissa's
>main worry though. She really needed more personnel. The departure of
>the Cardassian crew members had reduced the compliment of the Stargazer
>by forty percent.
> "Washington to Picard," the Vulcan Captain's voice said.
> Marrissa put down here PADD and answered, "Picard here."
> "I've obtained four officers and a cadet heading to the Academy
>for our trip. Meet them at the docking port."
TOM: (as Washington) I've traded away two of our practice squad and a draft
choice to be named later.
> "Can I hope for Operations and Engineering help?"
> "Two of each and a pilot."
ALL: (singing) And a partridge in a pear tree...
> "That should be enough."
> "Understood, Washington out."
> Marrissa stood by the docking port. The first to arrive was a
>Ferengi in Cadet's Uniform. "Cadet Second Class Nog reporting for duty,
>sir."
> "Welcome aboard, Cadet," Marrissa stated. "Your quarters are on
>deck 9, room 140. Your duty schedule is in the computer."
> "Aye sir," Nog replied and walked down the hall towards the
>turbolift.
MIKE: (as Nog) I wonder who she paid off for that rank...
> Next to appear in the docking port were a girl with long black
>hair, and another girl with medium length brown hair.
CROW: Xena and Dana Scully, reporting for duty!
> Both wore
>Star Fleet Engineering Uniforms. "Lieutenant junior grade Clara
>Sutter..." the first began.
> "... and Ensign Shayna Sachs," the second chimed in, and then
>both finished, "Assistant Engineers, reporting for duty."
> "Welcome aboard," Marrissa said. "I'll put you two together on
>deck 7, room 70. Come by my office on deck 8, room 47 latter.
TOM: (as Marrissa) We'll have a slumber party!
> Your
>duty schedules are in the computer."
> "We'll be by," Clara replied.
> "And no practical jokes, Shayna," Marrissa ordered, as the two
>walked down the hall.
> Suddenly Marrissa felt a hand on her back.
MIKE: And then a knife in her back.
> She found herself
>being tilted down to the floor. Jay Gordon's face appeared, and he gave
>her a deep kiss on her lips. Then he tilted her back up to a standing
>position and said. "Lieutenant Jay Gordon, Chief of Operations
>reporting for duty."
CROW: How did he kiss her when he pushed her facefirst to the floor?
> "That was a most interesting way to report aboard, and a great
>first kiss," Marrissa commented, her violet eyes sparkling. "Though I
>don't think I'd let anyone else get away with it."
TOM: (as Marrissa) ...much.
> "Thank you, Marrissa," Jay responded.
> "Just wait until after you disembark to do it again," Marrissa
>said. Then turning to business she continued, "Your quarters are on
>Deck 8, room 45. As for Duty Schedule, your a department head, you make
>it up."
MIKE: (as Jay) Great! Sleep till 11:00. Lunch at noon. Coffee break until
three, then take the rest of the day off!
> "Aye, sir."
> Marrissa turned back to discover the last new crew member,
>"Ensign Alexander Rozhenko reporting for duty, sir."
> "Your quarters are on Deck 7, room 70," Marrissa informed.
>"Your duty schedule will be in the computer as soon as Jay makes it up."
CROW: (as Marrissa) Most of it will probably involve running laps.
>Alexander moved off. "Picard to Washington."
> "Washington here."
> "The last officer is aboard, and the ship is ready to go out."
> "Noted, report to the bridge."
> "Aye, sir, Picard out."
>
> Marrissa sat at her desk, PADDs arrayed around her. "Reports,
>and more reports," she grumbled, as her yeoman dropped some more on her
>desk. "What does Star Fleet think I am?"
TOM: Just a guess... its employee?
> "A first officer, Commander," Yeoman Pearson responded. "And
>you don't have to go over each report like a school teacher. We do have
>a spell checker and grammar checker as well. Let them take care of
>that."
MIKE: This would be Ratliff's dream job.
> "Thank you, Yeoman," Marrissa said, pulling another PADD up.
>Pearson left. Moments later, the door chimed. "Come."
> Clara, Shayna, Alexander, and Jay entered. "I see Doctor
>Johnson and Yeoman Pearson where right," Clara remarked.
> "About what?" Marrissa asked, not looking up from her work.
> "You're over working yourself again," Clara commented.
> "She does this often?" Jay asked.
> "Oh yes, every time she gets a new position she throws herself
>into it and doesn't come up for days to even sleep," Clara remarked.
CROW: It's about time someone did an intervention for Marrissa.
> "She's never been good at removing things from her schedule or
>relaxing," Shayna remarked.
> "Stop talking about me like I'm not in the room," Marrissa said,
>switching PADDs.
TOM: (as Marrissa) I MUST be the center of attention!
> "You might as well not be," Shayna remarked.
> "Fortunately, we have some standing orders on such a situation,"
>Clara stated. "Alex, her legs; Jay, her arms. We'll be going to
>holodeck 4."
MIKE: (as Clara) Computer, run program "Cement Overshoes 1"!
> As Jay pulled the PADD out of her hand, Marrissa exclaimed,
>"Hey, I wasn't done with that. Who gave you those orders?"
> "Your father," Clara responded.
CROW: (as Jean-Luc Picard) Kidnap my daughter!
> "Now cooperate, or I'll have
>Shayna tickle that right foot of yours until you do. Resistance is
>futile."
TOM: But I don't think the Borg will be wanting to add her distinctiveness
to their own.
> "She's ticklish there?" Jay asked.
> "Deathly, tickle her long enough and she'll do anything," Shayna
>responded.
> "You promised you wouldn't tell," Marrissa accused.
> "Well you promised not to over work yourself,"
MIKE: (as Clara) And that makes it alright!
> Clara replied.
>"Are you coming, or are we going to have to carry you?"
CROW: (as Clara) ...or do you call Security and have us arrested? Oops.
Forget I said that.
>
>Epilogue
TOM: Hey guys, we're surviving this far! This one wasn't all bad!
MIKE: Give Ratliff time.
>
> Marrissa was on the bridge as they entered the Terran System.
>After her friends had dragged her off to the holodeck, her life had once
>again settled into a comfortable pattern.
CROW: However, the story swiftly left any sort of linear pattern.
> They had taken her to an old
>swimming hole, which Jay said was from near his grandfather's house.
>She'd never skinny-dipped before,
ALL:AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> but they hadn't given her time to get
>her swimming suit, and none of them wore anything.
ALL:AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> It had been fun,
>and she fell asleep as soon as she hit the pillow that night.
ALL:AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> Since then, she'd managed to schedule a couple hours of time with
>her friends when they were off duty. Being First Officer enabled her to
>make sure that all of them were free at the same time. She had enjoyed
>the two week cruise, but it was almost over, and all of her friends
>would be at the Academy for the next couple years. She wouldn't even
>have a date with Jay when the Stargazer and Independence were in port
>again. She was going to miss those dates.
TOM: But we won't. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick.
> "Commander, Captain Clinton reports ready," an officer
>announced.
MIKE: If she ends up naked, I'll hound you until the day I die, Ratliff!
> "Release tractor beams on the spaceship," Marrissa ordered.
>"Launch Red Wing fighter escort."
CROW: C'mon Red Wing, fire. You know you want to.
> "Tractor beams released," the officer responded. "Red Wing
>assuming formation."
> Ahead of the starship Stargazer, the spaceship Stargazer moved
>into place. A wing of seven fighters formed a 'V' around it as they
>proceeded into orbit. A Nebula class Starship blinked a salute to the
>21st century ship as she passed.
TOM: It was amazing, really. It's not every crew that can moon an outside
ship.
> They entered orbit, on a coarse to
>Starbase One. They passed an open space dock, with a new Intrepid class
>starship awaiting launch. Marrissa glanced at her display, wondering
>what they'd named this one. She smiled. Inside the dock was the USS
>Chelsea Clinton.
MIKE: She knew that the USS Marrissa was coming out next week.
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: And we are coming out... and up... right now!
[*...1...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Control room. Tom is rubbing himself
against a power-buffer. Crow is dipping parts of himself in a bucket marked
"benzene", and Mike is taking a shower in a portable rig a la "The Karate
Kid" or "Kazaam". The female 18-35 demographics undergo another sharp rise.]
TOM: Mike, when do the feelings of dirtiness go away?
MIKE: I'm not sure. I'll want to devote at least a day to this, though.
CROW: Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick.
[Mad light flashes. Mike taps it. CP.]
PEARL: Got you this time, Nelson! You're on the ropes now! You're only a few
more experiments away from being french vanilla pudding!
[The Observer suddenly falters, and stumbles a little.]
BOBO: Brain guy, what's wrong?
OBSERVER: Don't call me that. I sense something...
PEARL: Yes?
OBSERVER: A presence I haven't felt since...
BOBO: Yes?
OBSERVER: Since...
PEARL and BOBO: *Yes?!*
OBSERVER: Since the middle of the fanfic!
PEARL: Now, who.... oh *no*!
[Marrissa suddenly appears.]
MARRISSA: Mortals, that was a very dirty trick to play on me! I was
*expecting* another reward, and got nothing.
PEARL: Well, sorry about that. We...
MARRISSA: I sense that you and this Nelstone fellow are having some sort of
dispute.
PEARL: Well, you could say that. I...
MARRISSA: Say no more! I know how to settle disputes!
[Pearl disappears. SoL. Mike disappears. SoL Theatre. Shadows of Pearl, Mike
and Marrissa appear.]
MARRISSA: Now, you two will stay in here until you can settle your dispute.
MIKE: Now, hold on a minute. I...
[Marrissa disappears. SoL control room.]
TOM: We have to do something!
CROW: We have to do something!
[CP]
BOBO: We have to do something!
OBSERVER: Indeed we do. Let's send them G.I. Jane!
[SoL]
CROW: Hmmm... Good plan...
TOM: Mmm-hmm!
[Fade and cue end credits as we hear Mike and Pearl screaming.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of
and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked
material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Also, no personal
insult is intended against Stephen Ratliff, who is a great sport about this treatment of his
work, and is thus admired by Internet MiSTies everywhere. Nevertheless, Mr. Ratliff
should expect therapy bills over that ending. Much personal insult is intended against
Mattel, Inc. for introducing two new dolls to their Barbie line, Barbie's sister Skipper's
friends, CHELSEA and MARRISSA, and causing me nightmares galore during this
MiSTing.
> "Give me a minute," Shoemate responded. "I think we can blame
>this on Venci, her foot seems to have knocked the Power Supply
>Controller out of it's socket."
-Dave Hines
dhines@kruncher.ptloma.edu
http://199.106.87.9/~boffo/msting.html
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