Enterprized 2
The horrifying saga concludes. Herein are revealed two of the untold
tales of the Satellite of Love - namely, how Mike learned
about RAM chips as well as the first time Mike hears
Crow's Lloyd Bridges imitation.
If you're interested in doing a MiSTing yourself, email
misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.
<The Satellite of Love. Tom is on the counter; Crow is beside him.
Gypsy is over in the corner.>
Crow: [to Tom] Feel yourself relax... let yourself drift...
Gypsy: Ommmm......
Tom: Ommmmm....
Crow: That's right, just breathe deeply and chant along with Gypsy.
Gypsy: Ommm...
Tom: Ommmmmm...
Crow: Now, you are at peace with yourself...
Gypsy: Ommm...
Tom: Ommmmmm...
Crow: Get in touch with the Ratliff in your soul...
Gypsy: Ommm...
Tom: Ommmmmm...
Crow: His name no longer causes you pain...
Gypsy: Ommm...
Tom: Ommmmmm...
Crow: Now, wake up and take a deep cleansing breath.
Tom: [snaps back to alertness] Oh, wow! Thanks, Crow! I feel so much better!
Mike: [entering] Hey, guys, what's going on?
Tom: Crow just cured me.
Mike: Hey, great! I was worried about you last time. I can't
believe your head exploded just from you seeing *his* name.
Tom: I'm all better now. Nary a twinge.
Mike: So you don't mind if I say his name?
Tom: Nope. [to himself] No pain, no pain at all.
Mike: Okay.... Ratliff!
Tom: You mean... *Stephen* Ratliff?
Mike: Wow! Crow, I'm impressed!
Crow: Nothin' to it.
Mike: Listen, you think you can cure me of howling in agony
every time I hear a Whitney Houston song?
Crow: Mike, bear in mind this *is* still a new science.
Mike: Oh. Okay. [commercial sign flashes] We'll be right back.
[he hits the button]
<commercial break... Mentos ads galore>
<the Satellite>
Gypsy: Crow, I'm so impressed. You showed such skill!
Crow: Ah, it was nothing.
Gypsy: And Tom, you were so brave to confront your fear like that!
Tom: Hey, baby, sometimes a bot's gotta do what a bot's gotta do.
Mike: I'm just glad you're cured, Tom.
Tom: Me too. It's like a weight has been lifted...
[light flashes]
Crow: Hey, Targ and Puthoff are calling.
Tom: I think the weight is about to descend again.
[Mike hits the button]
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Hello, Moroni. Are you ready for this week's invention exchange?
<Satellite>
Mike: I sure am. You remember those magic tricks you had as a kid, where you
put in a blank piece of paper, turned a crank, and got a dollar bill?
Oh, sure, they weren't real, but we had fun pretending.
<Deep 13>
Frank: They weren't real?
<SOL>
Mike: Anyway, my invention works on a similar concept.
[Mike shows a huge version of one of those magic tricks] I call it
the Crichtonograph. You put a ream of blank paper in one end, and a
novel spills out the other end! [he demonstrates] And the best part
is, it'll make you rich and famous! Of course, it doesn't mean the
book'll be any good, but then, you can't have anything.
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Interesting, Merriweather. We seem to be on the same wavelength
this week. Our invention, however, is based on those magic tricks
where you put in a dollar bill and get back a blank piece of paper.
We call this evil little device... the Ratliffer! [Frank, at keyboard,
makes a dramatic chord as Dr. F. whips the sheet off of the Ratliffer.
It looks exactly like Mike's Crichtonograph, only it's neon green
while Mike's is red.]
Dr. F: Yes, all you do with the Ratliffer is put a good fanfic in at
one end, turn the crank, and out comes a putrid, poorly-written,
ungrammatical nightmare worthy of Stephen Ratliff. Frank,
would you demonstrate?
Frank: Sure, Steve. Here [he holds up a fanfic] is Michael Franz's excellent
work, "Synchronicity." It's a Dr. Who / Next Generation crossover
fanfic. It's well-written, conforms to all laws of grammar, contains
actual character development *and* it's a good story. Now, we
just throw it in... [he puts the fanfic in and turns the crank]
... and we get [dramatic flourish] "Cyborged" by Simon Jerram, based
on ideas by Dave Yadalee!
<SOL>
All: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Tom: My *God*, have you no sense of decency?
Crow: That's not funny, that's *sick!*
Mike: That was the most evil thing I've ever seen.
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: [sincerely flattered] Thank you, thank you very much.
[he turns brusque] Well, it was only a matter of time before Stephen
Ratliff once again took to the keyboard. I gave you a polite warning,
and now you get the real thing. I give you... the conclusion of
"Enterprized."
<SOL>
Crow: Remember, Tom, no pain. No pain.
Gypsy: Ommmm....
Tom: Ommm...
Crow: No pain.
Tom: No pain!
[fanfic sign flashes]
Mike & Crow: Ahhhh!! We've got fanfic sign!
Tom: AHHHHH!!! PAIN!!!
[Door sequence]
[They enter the theater]
Crow: Once more into the breach, guys.
Tom: [to himself] No pain. No pain.
>alt.startrek.creative #8912 (0 + 17 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] TNG Enterprized part 07
Tom: Crow, your little treatment is a fraud. I just felt pain!
Crow: Just relax, take deep cleansing breaths... Om...
Tom: Ommm....
Crow: Ommmmm...
Tom: Ommmmmmm...
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Wed Jan 19 09:52:04 CST 1994
>Lines: 77
>
>It's finally here part 07
Tom: Well, there's still some pain, but I feel a little better.
Mike: In that case, guys, could you cut down the "Om"ing? It's giving me a headache.
Crow: Yeah, sure, Mike. Tom...?
Tom: I'll be fine. [to himself] No pain. No pain.
>======================================================================
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
> by Stephen Ratliff
>--------------------------------------------------part 07------------
Tom: OUCH!!
> Chapter Six
> ^^^^^^^^^^^
>
>Captain's Log STARDATE 37571.5 USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive
Tom: StarDRIVE?
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording
Mike: [Picard voice] Diane, it's seven twenty-three am. I just rolled
out of bed, and I'm going to have breakfast with Dr. Crusher.
I'm eagerly awaiting that morning cup of coffee. I love coffee, Diane -
Crow: Mike, I think you need to switch to decaf.
> Having acoplished all of our objectives,
Tom: And massacred all mechanics of the English language,
> we have met the
>Enterprise-C and are about to return to our time.
Mike: This is *our* time.
> The Enterprise-C shot forward unseen except for the alst
>second before time travel when it was surounded by sparks.
Tom: I think that's a band from Seattle.
Crow: No, it's a fabric softener!
Tom: Band from Seattle!
Crow: Fabric softener!
Mike: Calm down, you too. Sparks is a band from Seattle *and* a fabric
softener.
Tom: Really?
Mike: No.
> The Federations leading design engineer was passing by in a small
>runabout.
Crow: Where the hell did *that* sentence come from?
> He was also at the helm when the Enterprise-D repeated the manuever.
Mike: Boy, that design engineer really gets around.
> The Enterprises C&D decloaked. "Captain there is a battle
>going on to the starboard," Yarr said.
> "On Screen," Picard replied.
Crow: No, to starboard!
> A constution class starship was battling two romulan warships.
> "I think we have a problem," Ensign Ro said looking at the screen.
Tom: <falsetto> We're going to fall through the holes in the plot!
> "How so?" Picard said.
> "That's the Enterprise-A," Ros replied. "It's the starship
>in the Federation Starship museum."
> "Then we better make sure it gets there," Picard said.
Crow: Look, you've traveled in *time*, you see, and - oh, never mind.
> "Take us in Ro. Yarr as Riker to do the same."
Mike: "Yar as Riker?"
Crow: Breaking gender conceptions, maybe.
> "He is already doing so," Yarr replied.
Tom: Oh, please, not another Ratliffian battle scene!
> "Ah, Mr Spock."
Crow: Where'd Nurse Chapel come from?
> "Spock analyst of the ships that just arrived," James T. Kirk asked.
Mike: Well, they're really really big. . .
> "There are no ships matching their desciption in our data
>banks," Spock said as the Enterprise-A took another hit.
Crow: I wonder how many the author took before writing this?
> "However
>their markings identify them as the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C and the
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D."
Tom: What, Kirk can't read the names of the ships?
> "MR Checkov don't worry about the newcomers," Kirk ordered.
Mike: Unless they get near salt water.
>"Fire phasers."
>
> Even as Kirk gave the order the romulans turned toward the
>Enterprises C&D.
Crow: [Kirk voice] Dammit, Spock, I wasn't *talking* to the Romulans!
> However the more advanced weapons and shields of the Galaxy
>class and Ambassitor class ships were more than a match for there assult.
Tom: Against Stephen's own particular brand of English, however,
they never stood a chance.
> Ther Romulans were dispatched in short order.
Crow: [voice of short order cook] I got an order of Romulans, pick it up!
> "Hail the other Enterprises, Uhura," Kirk ordered.
Tom: I take it Stephen enjoyed "Parallels..."
> "Both Enterprises responding," Uhura replied
> "Put them on screen," Kirk said. Captain Picard and Commander
>Riker appeared on
Crow: Broadway!
All: <hum show-tune music>
> the screen. "I am Admiral James T. Kirk of the
>Federation starship Enterprise NCC-1701-A. And you are?"
Tom: Miserable to be stuck here.
> "Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship
>Enterprise NCC-1701-D. My first officer Commander Willaim T. Riker
>is presently in command of the Enterprise NCC-1701-C."
> Commander Riker nodded.
Tom: Off to sleep.
> "What are you doing in STARDATE 9530?" Kirk asked.
> "We took a wrong turn at
Mike: Albequerque?
> STARDATE 37570 on our way back to
>STARDATE 47576," Picard replied.
> "I believe we can help you," Kirk responded. "Spock
>transmit the correct coarse speed weight formula." Spock got to work.
Tom: Just one Spock wasn't enough for Stephen. Nooo, he had to have
the old Spock *and* the new Spock.
Crow: At least it shows a Spock of imagination.
Tom: Band from Seattle!
Crow: Fabric softener!
>"I assume you wish this incendent be classified."
> "Yes," Picard said, "If possisble forgotten."
Tom: I *wish.*
> "I'll do my best," Kirk said
Tom: And do your duty to God and country and obey the law of the pack.
> "Enterprise-A out."
Crow: And it's a hard right to the jaw! Enterprise A is out!
Tom: Crow, I think you're over-using that joke.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>Next posting sometime in the next 4 days.
Tom: Oh, *great.*
>Comments welcome and requested.
Mike: Your wish is our command.
>parts 01-07 available via email
>
> Stephen Ratliff
> at Radford University
>
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
>Next Posting : Why Sela thought her mother was dead.
Tom: Plus, who *really* shot J.R.! Stay tuned! Ok, guys, let's go...
[They get up to exit]
Mike: How you holding up there, Tom?
Tom: Okay. I'm okay.
Crow: I told you it would work, Tom.
[The group exits the theater]
[Door sequence]
<SOL, the bridge>
Mike: Hey, you guys haven't seen my copy of "Imzadi," have you?
Tom: Oh, Mike, reading Peter David *again*? He's a hack!
Crow: Aw, you're just saying that 'cause you hated "The Seige."
Tom: It was hideous!
Crow: Are you kidding? That book was incredible! It's almost as good as "Road House!"
Tom: I rest my case.
Mike: Tom, Peter David is actually pretty good. "The Seige"
was sub-par for him, and that's unfortunate, but you can't let
that one book ruin him for you. Hey, you liked "Alien Nation," so
why not try reading #3, "Body and Soul?" It's pretty good.
Tom: No way. Look, you said, "Tom, you should really try reading
a Trek novel. They're actually pretty good." I agree, and Crow
hands me this piece of cow poop -
Crow: Hey!
Mike: Hang on, I'm gonna go look in the theater. [He exits.]
Crow: "The Seige" is not cow poop! I'm telling you, it's almost as good as "Road House."
Tom: Well, there we agree.
Crow: Yeah. [pause] Huh?
Mike: [from off-camera] OW!
Crow: What the heck was that?
Tom: It sounded like Mike. Hey Mike, you okay?
Mike: [enters holding his head. He has a jar full of RAM chips.]
Crow: WOW! Mike, where'd you -
Tom: [sotto voce, to Crow] Shhhh!! Let me do the talking.
[to Mike] Mike, what happened?
Mike: Well, as I was going into the theater, I tripped on that grate...
Tom: The one you have to carry me over?
Mike: Yeah, that one. Anyway, a corner was loose, and I tripped on it.
Crow: So where'd you -
Tom: Shhh! [to Mike] What's in the jar?
Mike: I dunno. Looks like RAM chips. [Crow smacks his lips]
Tom: [whisper] Quiet, Crow. [to Mike] Where'd you find them?
Mike: In the grate. I wonder what they were doing there.
Crow: [whispers] That must be where Joel was hiding them!
Tom: [whispers] Shhh! [to Mike] Ohh, *I* know. We ran out of room in the closet,
so we had to put them down there for safekeeping. I guess we just forgot about them.
Mike: Weird. What do you use them for?
[Pause]
Tom: Oh, er, lots of things.
Crow: Yeah, lots of things. [Smacks lips, whispers] Yum!
Tom: Er... [laughs nervously; nudges Crow] Listen, Mike,
why don't you give them to me? I know where to put 'em.
Mike: Tom, you don't have any functional arms.
Tom: Crow can help me!
Crow: Yeah! I can help! Yeah yeah yeah!!!
Mike: Hmm. Well, in that case, here you go. [he puts the
RAM chips on the counter] I'm gonna go check my room for
my book. [he exits]
[Crow & Tom watch him go. When he is long gone, they turn to
each other and laugh maniacally. The laughter continues as commercial
sign flashes. Crow falls forward (still laughing) and hits the button.
The maniacal laughter continues into commercial fadeout.]
[commercial break - what are you, plant life?]
[SOL, back on the bridge. Tom and Crow are sprawled on the
console. The empty RAM chip jar is on its side on the console.]
Tom: Oooooooohhhh.....
Crow: ohhhhhhhhhh...
[a brief pause]
Tom: Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh.......
Crow: oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....
[another brief pause]
Tom: I think I'm going to be sick.
Crow: UCK! [turns over and retches]
Tom: Oooooooooooohhhhh.....
Crow: [retches again]
[Mike walks in]
Mike: What the -?
Tom: Oogh...
Crow: Uck. Ick. Argh. [Retches again]
Mike: What happened, guys?
Tom: We ate... all the RAM chips.
Mike: Oh. [pause] Is that bad?
Tom: YES!! Yes, dammit, it IS bad!! Why didn't you stop us, guide us, say
"No, if you eat all the RAM chips you'll get sick!"
Mike: I didn't know.
Tom: This isn't a game, Mike. This is indigestion.
Crow: [Retches again]
Mike: Hang on, I'll get some Pepto-Bismol. [He runs off, just as the Mads call.
Crow retches again, and accidentally hits the button].
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: What in the name of George Bush?
<SOL>
[Tom and Crow are both retching]
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: I've done it! I've done it! Frank, look! I've done it!
Frank: Done what?
Dr. F: I gave them a fanfic that actually made them physically ill!
[gets faraway look in his eyes] Oh, the papers... the conferences...
the tenure! Frank, this is wonderful!
<SOL>
Mike: [pouring the pink stuff down Crow's throat] Don't get all
excited, sirs. They just ate too many RAM chips.
Tom: Hey, hurry up with that Pepto, Mike! I need the one that coats!
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: [hyperventilates]
Frank: Don't worry, Steve. Ratliff will make them puke yet.
Dr. F: I know... I know... [laughs maniacally]
<SOL>
[Crow is lying back in Pepto-Bismol induced bliss. Mike is giving
Tom Pepto by putting the pink stuff on his own finger, then sliding
the finger into Tom's mouth, reminiscent of Olivier & Dustin Hoffman in "Marathon Man."]
Tom: More. [Mike gives more.] More. [Mike gives more.] [light flashes] Fanfic sign.
[Mike gives more.] Fanfic sign.[Mike gives more.] Fanfic sign!
Mike: AHHH!! Fanfic sign!
Crow: I'm gonna puke again! [retches]
[Door sequence]
Mike: [to Crow] You gonna be okay, honey?
Crow: Yeah, I think so.
>alt.startrek.creative #8969 (7 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Crow: [retches]
Tom: Hey, relax, Crow. It *is* the beginning of the end, after all.
Crow: ARRGH! I'm gonna kill you!
Tom: Hee hee.
Mike: Well, *you* must be feeling better.
Tom: Yep. Much. Y'know, I actually feel kinda hungry.. I could really go for some RAM chips...
Crow: [retches]
Tom: Hee hee hee! Hey, this is *fun!*
>[1] Enterprized part 08
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Fri Jan 21 15:06:22 CST 1994
>Lines: 90
Crow: Tom, so help me, if you even *mention*...
Tom: What, RAM chips?
Crow: [retches]
>=======================================================================
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
> by Stephen Ratliff
>----------------------------------------------------part 08------------
Crow: [pleadingly] Mike, make him stop!
Mike: Tom, I think Crow's suffered enough.
Tom: I was just getting even with him for the whole Ratliff thing.
Mike: Yeah, I know. That's enough now, okay?
Tom: Okay. Sorry, Crow.
Crow: Not another mention of those things, okay?
Mike: Okay. Neither Tom nor I will mention RAM chips - [Crow retches] Oh, sorry, Crow.
Crow: I hate you both.
> Chapter Seven
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> When the Enterprise-D arrived, Data checked a nearby beacon. after confirming
Tom: Their reservations at Milliways...
Crow: Ooooh...
Mike: Tom, no food jokes either, okay?
>that they weere indeed in STARDATE 46576, Picard ordered bothe Enterprises to decloak.
Tom: Why are they coming back to a stardate *after* they left?
Crow: They don't fully grasp the possibilities of time travel.
> Shortly after this was done the Enterprise-D detected an incoming
>Romulan warbird. "RED ALERT, BATTLE STATIONS," Picard ordered as the
>Romulan crossed into Federation space. "Lt. Yarr inform Starfleet of
Crow: [Picard voice] - my immediate retirement. Get me a shuttle; I'm
out of here.
>the Romulan incursion."
> "The Romulans are hailing us, sir," Tasha Yarr said.
> "On Screen," Picard said as Captain Sela appeared on screen.
Mike: That's only supposed to happen *after* he says "On screen."
Tom: You're so picky. You read rec.arts.startrek.tech, don't you?
Mike: Only sometimes.
Crow & Tom: Sheesh!
>Tasha Yarr looked puzzled.
Tom: [falsetto] Gee, I wonder why this Romulan looks just like me?
Hmm, she's blond too. *That's* odd.
> "Captain Sela what brings you to Federation space."
Crow: [falsetto] A Romulan warbird.
> It suddenly dawned on Tasha that this woman was her daughter.
Crow: I wonder what her first clue was?
Tom: Well, how many Romulans are there who one, are *blond*,
two, look *exactly* like her, and three, have the same name as
her *daughter*?
Mike: It was probably just a lucky guess.
Tom: You're probably right.
> "I have reason to believe that you have invaded Romulan space,"
>Captain Sela replied.
Mike: Hey, that was a while ago. I think the statute of limitations has
run out by now.
> "Taken a Romulan warprize, captured 15 Romulan
>officers... and..." Sela trailed off as she finally noticed her mother
>standing at tactical. She went white.
Tom: Whiter than normal, that is.
> Taking advantage of Sela's break in aaccusations, Picard said,
>"I will gladly return your
Crow: Affections.
> officers. But as for the Enterprise-C,
>retrieving stolen property is not a crime even on Romulas."
Mike: No, but it *is* an act of war...
> "Captain, Perhaps Sela would be more comfortable if she came
>aboard," Tasha Yarr interrupted. "It would allow her to statisfy
>herself that the Romulan officers were well treated."
Mike: Ripped out of their proper place in space and time,
but well treated.
> "Excellent idea, Luietenant," Picard said. "Would you beam aboard Captain?"
Crow: Sure. They beam *you* around with no problems.
Mike: Not "a bored Captain," "aboard Captain."
Crow: Oh. That too.
> "Of Coarse, Sela Out."
Crow: The ref is signaling that the fight is over!
Tom: *STOP* that! It's almost as annoying as your Lloyd Bridges
imitation!
Mike: Crow, I didn't know you had a Lloyd Bridges imitation.
Crow: Sure do! [Lloyd Bridges voice] By this time, my lungs were
aching for air!
Mike: [laughing] That's great! I love it!
Tom: Oh, god.
> Tasha Yarr met her daughter in the transporter room. The first
>words out of her mouth were, "How come you are not dead?"
Tom: Oh, cripes. Read the FAQ.
> "Lets compare notes," Tasha said. "I was beamed from the
>shuttle craft on STARDATE 37571 at about 0900 hours what happened to
>you after that?"
All: WHOAH!
Mike: When did *that* happen?
Crow: Maybe there's a part of the fanfic that Stephen hasn't shown us.
Tom: I hope it stays that way.
> "They had thrown me out of the shuttle," Sela said. "I hit a
>stalagtite and blacked out.
Mike: You guys remember any of this?
Tom: Nope.
Crow: Uh-uh.
> The next thing I remember you were sitting by me as I woke up.
Crow: [falsetto] I had such a dream! And you - and you - and you
were there!
>A couple days later you took me in a clothes basket and tried to escape.
>I screemed, they captured us and killed you on the spot."
Tom: "Screemed?"
> "Daughter you have been had," Tasha said. "The put you in a
>holodeck and made you think that I hadn't suceeded."
> "Wait intill I get my hands on father!" Sela fummed.
Mike: An Electra complex?
Tom: Okay, I'd like to nominate "fummed" as the funniest Ratliff
misspelling yet.
Crow: Hey, Tom! You made two grammar flames in a row - you're
gonna lose your RAM chips - urk! [retches]
Tom: Gotcha! Hey, I see you've been reading alt.tv.mst3k!
Mike: We have a USENET group?
Tom: Mike, don't shout.
Mike: I'm not shouting, I - oh, never mind.
> "Calm down Sela," Lt. Yarr said. "You've inherted the famous Yarr temper.
Crow: Not to mention the famous Yar overacting.
Mike: Hey, Tom, what about the way he constantly misspells the names
of major characters?
Tom: Hmm. I'll take that into consideration.
Crow: You guys are gonna lose your [dry heaves] ulp. Almost got me again, Servo.
> Lets get your officers back into Romulan hands.
Tom: [falsetto] So they can see their children all grown up and their
loved ones old and withered.
> Romulan Government will want to reward two of them. These two killed an officer
>each." She pointed to two names on the PADD she was carrying
Tom: Actually, Peter David is starting to look pretty good right about now.
Mike: I found "Imzadi," if you want to borrow it.
> "Anyone I know?" Sela asked.
> "Just the parents of the girl the Captain left in command of
>the saucer section."
Mike: They orphaned a kid. Naturally, they became heroes.
> As Yarr completed the statement The Romulan officers began arriving two security
>officer to each romulan. The officers were beamed abroad
Tom: What, an exchange student program all of a sudden?
> the Romulan warbird in silence. Finally
>It was just Sela, Tasha and a transporter operator again.
> "Mom, are you staying on the Enterprise-D," Sela asked
> "No, Worf is chief of security now and I don't want to subplant
>him," Tasha said. "I will problely be posted on the Renamed
>Enterprise-C."
Crow: After being debriefed.
Mike: [falsetto] I will not be stamped, filed, briefed, debriefed,
or numbered.
Tom: [falsetto] I am not a number, I am a free woman!
> "Please write or send word to me if you can I don't want to have
>to go up against you," Sela said
Mike: Oh, cool! A Machiavellian twist! Sela abuses her mother's love
to get secret information about troop movements from the Federation!
Crow: Mike, aren't you reading a *little* too much into this?
> "I'll try," Tasha said. "Now chould you do a little mail
>delivery for the federation. A letter to Admiral Jeric's wife and
>daughter and to your father."
Crow: [falsetto] Dammit, Mom, I'm a Romulan, not a postal worker!
> "I'll try," Sela replied, "but I doubt that father will read it
>but the other letter will be well received."
> Sela stepped up on to the transporter disk and said, "Good by,
>Mom, entergize." As sela beamed out a tear chould be seen runing down
>he cheek.
Tom: [sniffles]
Crow: Oh, *geez.* You've gotta be kidding, Tom.
Tom: [sniffling again] I'm sorry. I was just affected by the beauty
of this moment.
Crow: Sheesh.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>One more part and this story is done
All: YEA!!!!!
>Sorry about the disjoinedness and a little bit to much craming
>thing in here but This is my first attempt at writing
Tom: English?
>fiction.
Tom: Oh. In any case, it shows.
Crow: Wait. This is his first attempt at *fiction*, right?
Mike: That's what he said.
Crow: So... maybe...
Tom: You don't think - nah. Couldn't be.
Mike: What?
Crow: Hang on, I'll tell all in a minute.
>My Next Story (written over Christmas break) A Gul's Revenge
>will follow as soon as this one is complete.
All: AUUGGGHHHH!!!!!
Crow: Makes me wish this one would *never* end.
> A promo follows the next post.
>Still looking for comments and suggestions
Tom: Not to mention a clue...
> Stephen Ratliff
> at Radford U.
>
>email: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
>Next Part : What ever happened to the saucer and the kids crew
All: Who cares?
> Conclusion
Tom: Let's get out before it starts up again.
[they exit]
<Bridge of the Satellite of Love>
Crow: Not since JFK has there been such a stunning expose of
the Kennedy conspiracy!
Mike: What do you mean?
Crow: What do I mean? What do I mean? I'll tell you what I mean!
Tom: So tell us already!
Crow: You're ruining my buildup.
Tom: Oh. Sorry.
Crow: What I mean is this. The bicycle will never replace the horse.
On the other hand, the horse will never replace the bicycle. Which is
quite a horse on a bicycle if I ever saw one, and I don't think I ever
saw one.
Tom: Crow, you're spouting Marxist philosophy!
Crow: I'm sorry! I'm just so darn *excited!*
Mike: About what?
Crow: Joe McGinniss is a pen name.
Tom: [gasps]
Mike: You mean -
Crow: YES! Stephen Ratliff wrote "The Last Brother!"
[Dramatic chord]
[A moment's pause]
Mike: Crow, that's a pretty dramatic accusation.
Tom: Yeah, Crow. I hope you have some proof.
Crow: Proof? Oh, do I *ever* have proof! [He paces about as
he speaks.] Exhibit A: "The Last Brother" is a crappy unauthorized
biography, and "Enterprized" is a crappy unauthorized fanfic.
Tom: Pure coincidence!
Crow: [dramatic turn] Is it? Exhibit B: Both authors
don't use a middle name!
Mike: I dunno, Crow...
Crow: Just wait! Exhibit C: Both authors are right-handers!
Tom: You're guessing!
Crow: You're right! Exhibit D: Both authors brush their teeth!
Mike: I hope so.
[commercial sign flashes, Mike hits it]
[fade to commercial. Over the fade we hear Crow shout:
"Exhibit E!"]
<commercial break- It's the stooory of Jack, the great pumpkin king>
<SOL - the bridge>
[Crow is still going strong. Mike, however, has his head resting in
his hands and his elbows resting on the console. Tom is asleep,
leaning on Mike for support]
Crow: Exhibit X: Because I say so! Exhibit - hey, where was I?
Mike: Huh?
Crow: Shoot. I guess I have to start over. Exhibit A -
Mike: No, that's okay, Crow. You made your point.
Crow: And...?
Mike: And I have to wake up Tom. [he shakes Tom gently]
Tom: Huh? What? Oh, hi guys. I had the weirdest dream.
Mike: What?
Tom: I dreamt Stephen Ratliff shot JFK.
Crow: AHA! There *is* a connection! I knew it!
Tom: What?
Crow: I knew it! I knew I was right! Hahaha!
[Crow runs off babbling]
Mike: Weird.
[fanfic sign flashes]
Tom: Fanfic sign, Mike.
Mike: Hey, Crow! C'mon! Fanfic sign!
[Door sequence]
[Mike carries Tom in; Crow follows a few moments later.]
Crow: Sorry, guys. Just had to get all that out of my system.
Tom: Crow, sometimes I wonder about you. Other times, I'm sure.
>alt.startrek.creative #8980 (1 + 14 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Tom: This is it, the home stretch!
>[1] Enterprized part 09
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Sat Jan 22 13:29:03 CST 1994
>Lines: 129
>
>This is the final post of Enterprized.
All: YEA!!!!!
>A promo for A Gul's Revenge will follow.
All: BOOOO!!!!!!!
>And now the conclusion
All: YEAAAA!!!!!!!
>====================================================================
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
> by Stephen Ratliff
>--------------------------------------------------part 09-----------
All: BOOOO!!!
> Chapter Eigth
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
>Captain's Log STARDATE 46573.72
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D saucer section
>Marrissa Floras Recording
> We have arrived at Deep Space Nine. However it keeps cutting
>off our attempts to get premision to dock.
Crow: No kids or cute robots - EVER!
Tom: That's Babylon 5.
Crow: Well, there *are* so many similarities...
> "Is Deep Space Nine still not responding to our requests to
>dock," Marrissa asked.
Mike: Beats me. Read your log and find out.
> "Yes," Jay Gordon yawned.
> "Open a channel to Commander Sisko," Marrissa ordered. "I'll
>take it in my ready room. Patterson you have the bridge. Jay go get
>some sleep. You've been on this bridge for 15 hours." Jay hesitated.
Mike: [whiny kid voice] But I'm not *tired!*
>"Go to bed."
Mike: [same whiney kid voice] Yes, Mom.
> Marrissa entered the ready room. She sat down behind
>the desk and actavated the desk screen. Commander Benjiman Sisko
>appeared on the screen.
Crow: DS9 will not escape this fanfic unscathed.
> "This is Commander Sisko of Deep Space Nine," he said. "What
>are you doing interfering with commications. I am ..."
> "Commander, I suggest that you let me introduce myself before
>you try to scold me," Marrissa interrupted. "I am Marrissa Floras,
Tom: [Sisko imitation] Floras, Floras...
>Acting Captain, starship Enterprise saucer section.
Tom: [Sisko voice] Oh, THAT Floras!
>Now can we dock?"
All: NO!
> "Excuse my mistake, dock at upper pylon 2," Sisko said. "How
>did you get command of the Enterprise saucer section?"
Crow: Through a contrived plot.
> "The other crewmembers were needed on a mission with which
>they chould only take the stardrive section," Marrissa supplied. "I
>got command by my 21 minute kobayshi Maru time."
> "Very impressive. Just how old are you?"
Crow: [Sisko imitation] Are you over 18? I'm a lonely man -
Mike: HEY!
> "12. The Arizona will arriving here soon with the Cardassian
>we captured on our way here."
> "You captured an Cardassian ship on your way here!"
Mike: No, just a Cardassian.
> "Yes, Gul Ducat's. He should see what side of the broder he
>is on before he tries to capture ships."
Tom: He did know he was in - oh, it's a joke.
Crow: Ha.
> "Thanks for the imformation. The Arizona is on sensors now.
>DS9 out."
Tom: So help me God, Crow, if you say it-
Crow: [right on top of Tom] DS9 is out! New champion - Babylon 5!
Tom: ARRRGH!!! The first episode hasn't even aired yet!
> Gul Ducat entered Commander Sisko's office. "Feeling homesick
>again?" Sisko asked.
Mike: Huh? What is that supposed to mean?
> "No, thanks for asking," Ducat said. "I demand that the
>present command crew of the Enterprise saucer section be handed over
>to Cardassian for justice."
> "On what charges?" Commander Sisko asked.
Tom: Running in the halls, throwing paper airplanes...
> "Attacking a Cardassian warship."
> "I'm afraid I can't do that," Sisko smiled. "Especailly
>since they had every right to do so."
> "What rights?"
> "You were in Federation territory."
Mike: [Gul Ducat voice] Oh, yeah. I forgot.
> "Navagational error. Not a reason to fire on a ship."
Tom: Tell that to the crew of the USS Stark.
> "No, it isn't but I'm not finshed," Sisko returned. "You fired
>on them."
> "Accidental discharge."
Crow: [Sisko voice] Try thinking about baseball. Worked for me.
> "You asked them to surrender," Sikso responed. "They refused.
>You fired again. They returned fire. Your ship was disabled.
Tom: That's a brief recap of "Enterprized, part 6" for those who came
in late.
>You deserve every thing you got right down to the the inscription
Tom: "the the inscription?"
Crow: Oh, God, I'm having flashbacks here...
> 'I lost to a bunch of kids' on your hull. Now I suggest you and Cardassia
>better find a way to apologize for your tready vololations. Now I've
>got a party at Quark's for the Enterprise crew to attend."
> Commander Sisko left his office and Ops. Left behind him Gul
>Ducat pondered the mess he got him self into.
Tom: [Waylon Jennings voice] Well, while ol' Gul Ducat was ponderin',
the rest of the cast was partyin' down at Boss Quark's fine
establishment.
>Captain's Personal Log STARDATE 47576.1
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C
>Commander William T. Riker recording
> Having arrived at DS9 2 hours ago I went to find young Marrissa
>to inform her of her parents deaths. I found her talking to Jake Sisko
>on the upper area of the Promenade. She walk a few paces away with me
>when I said I had
Crow: [Riker voice] A piece of candy for her.
>something to tell her. When I informed her of her
>parents deaths she rushed down the promenade and back to her command.
Mike: [falsetto] Mom & Dad are dead? Oh, well, back to work!
>In the process she brushed me knocking me off balance. Chief O'Brien
>had been replacing the guard rails in the area and there was nothing
>to prevent me from falling on to the lower level. Quark, the operator
>of the local gambling assablishment, was walking below and I fell on him
All: [laugh uproariously and point]
Tom: Nothing like a little slapstick in a Trek fanfic.
>Both of Us spent an hour with Dr Bashir.
Crow: Riker's in the S.E.F.E.B.?
>Captain's Log Stardate 47576.1
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard
> Our journey to Deep Space Nine has been delayed. A Feringi
>trading vessel had a warp engine problem which required our assistance.
Tom: Will it ever end?
>-----------------T H E-------E N D------------------------------------
All: YEEAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Tom: [Jubilant] Let's get out of here!
[They get up]
>And Now a promo for
>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> A G U L ' S R E V E N G E
>-----------------------------------
All: BOOOOO!!!!!!
[They sit back down.]
> "Captain, hail from Deep Space Nine," Lt. Yarr said.
Mike: [Picard voice] No, I hail from France.
> "On Screen," Picard said. Commander Sisko appeared on the
>main veiwscreen. "What can I do for you Commander?"
Crow: [Sisko voice] Some french onion soup would really be nice.
> "The Cardassians are semding a dozen warships toward Bajor,"
>Sisko said. "ETA 2 hours. You are the senior commander in the area."
> "Yarr, cloak us," Picard ordered.
Mike: [Picard voice] We're gonna run like hell!
>"What ship do we have?
Tom: It's called the Enterprise. Maybe you've heard of it.
> And do those ship have any problems?"
Crow: Poor writing.
> "The Roanoke, our patrol ship this month;
Crow: It vanished, leaving only the word "Croatoan" carved into an
asteroid.
> the Galaxy, which doesn't even have a skeleton crew;
Crow: Stephen King?
>the Enterprise-C; the Arizona; the Surak, it's due to come in in 20 minutes for a quick supply stop
>and return to the Gamma Quad.; and your saucer section," Sisko said.
>A PADD was handed to him from off screen.
Tom: If it's "The Seige," don't read it!
> "I've just been informed we, The United Federation of Planets Congress (reading from the PADD)
>declare war on the Cardassian Empire after attacks on Vulcan, Risa,
>Betazed and numerous starships."
> "So It has come to that has it," Picard said
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Coming soon to alt.startrek.creative
Tom: That *was* a threat.
>Notes on Enterprized
>I know this isn't the usual place for it but
Crow: I'd like too perfrom a song and dance numbur.
Tom: Why all the misspellings?
Crow: It's my Ratliff imitation.
>this story is dedicated to my brother Phillip
>who told me that they should always go right back
>to the correct time.
All: HUH?
>I hope you enjoyed Enterprized.
Tom: A wish for all the masochists in the audience...
>As always coments welcome.
All: Thaaaaaank *you*!
> Stephen Ratliff
> at Radford University
>
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
Tom: That's it! It's over!
All: YEAAAAA!!!
[They dance around a bit, then exit the theater]
<The bridge of the SOL>
Tom: I have *never* been so glad to see the end of a fanfic.
Crow: Remember, we've still got "A Gul's Revenge" coming someday soon.
Tom: I know, I know... but right now, all I feel is joy! [Music starts]
Crow: I smell a song coming on!
Tom: [sings, tune is roughly that of "The Minstrel Boy"]
This fanfic to the winds has gone;
In /dev/null now you'll find it.
Stephen spelled ev'ry word wrong,
and made grammar flamers excited.
"Enterprized" was truly bad,
that in faith I grant ye.
But now it's done, there is no more;
so let us all be happy.
Crow: [sings]
Stephen, now to you I sing,
to you I turn attention.
The awful plot, next to your weak
writing skills must take mention.
I hope that you will end your work,
and listen to the net.mob.
Hearken well to what we say,
and please don't quit your day job.
Mike: [sings]
So now we end our little song,
We thank you all for listening.
We hope your lives are happy and long,
and that you grab the brass ring.
USENET, we are sorry for
the burden heaped upon you.
May you heal from Ratliff's sore,
And Jerram and Yadalee's also.
All: [sing]
And Jerram and Yadalee's also!
Mike: What do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Oh, don't worry about Stephen Ratliff, Milliways -
we've arranged for him to win the lottery so he can spend all
his time writing.
<SOL>
All: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: [laughs maniacally] I love to hear them scream.
<SOL>
[Mike & the bots are screaming, but suddenly come to a screeching halt]
Mike: Hey, sirs, I was wondering. If your invention can turn a
good fanfic into Ratliff-esque material, what would happen if
you put Ratliff into it?
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: [looks uncomfortable] Macaroon, there are simply some
things that man was not meant to know.
<SOL>
Mike: I think you're chicken.
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: I am not!
<SOL>
[Mike folds his arms and says nothing. Tom & Crow make
chicken noises.]
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: [Looks very flustered and indecisive. Finally he grabs a hardcopy
of "Enterprized," puts it in the machine, and turns the crank. He
picks up the result and scrutinizes it.] Hmm.
<SOL>
Mike: Well?
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: It's something called "The Seige," by Peter David.
<SOL>
[Crow's mouth is hanging open]
Tom: See? I *told* you so!
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: The machine must have malfunctioned. [flips through "The Seige"] Still...
Frank: Oooh, "The Seige!" That's my absolute *favorite* PAD
novel! [he grabs it and flips through it]
Dr. F: [snatching "The Siege"] Push the button, Frank.
Frank: [looks sullen, walks over to the controls and pushes the button.]
Credits:
This MiSTing is by David Hines.
The original fanfic "Enterprized" is by Stephen Ratliff.
Disclaimers:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a copyright of Best Brains.
"Star Trek," "Star Trek: The Next Generation,"
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and all related characters
are copyrighted by Paramount.
I am not trying to infringe on any copyrights or trademarks.
Nor is this MiSTing a personal attack on Mr. Stephen Ratliff.
All disparaging remarks made about him in this post are made
for entertainment purposes only, meant in jest, and not
intended to cause Mr. Ratliff any personal psychic trauma.
Nor do I bear any personal animosity toward Peter David,
whose novel "Body and Soul" for the "Alien Nation" series
was actually pretty good.
If you're interested in doing a MiSTing yourself, email
misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.
David Hines
dzhines@midway.uchicago.edu
sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu:
> It suddenly dawned on Tasha that this woman was her daughter.
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