Enterprized
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
From: dzhines@kimbark.uchicago.edu (David Hines)
Subject: MiSTed fanfic - "Enterprized."
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 1994 01:45:29 GMT
Lines: 1400
Be warned. What follows is a MiSTing of the M*nos of fanfics...
[Nighttime on the SOL. Lights are lowered. Suddenly a siren goes off. The
siren is loud and irritating. Think car alarm, but worse. Crow, in nightshirt (with nightcap),
runs through screaming.Tom, in pajamas, runs through screaming, from the opposite direction.
Mike, in jammies and bathrobe, runs in. He's putting on bunny slippers as he runs.]
Mike: What's going on? What's that noise?
Crow: <Screams>
Tom: <Screams>
Mike: Okay, guys, settle down. What the...? Oh, I see. Chester and Spike are
calling. <Hits the button, the siren stops immediately>
Dr. F: Well, well, well. Nice bunny slippers, Merrick. What happened? Diddums
get his beauty sleep interrupted?
Mike: Hey, c'mon, this isn't fair! We're not due for a movie till tomorrow
morning. I haven't had time to make an invention yet!
Dr. F: Oh, a procrastinator, eh, Milton? Well, you'll pay for that... Frank,
tell them what they get.
Frank: Oh, guys, you're real lucky. We've got an alt.startrek.creative fanfic
for you.
Tom: <runs in, stops.> Alt.startrek.creative fanfic? Nooooo!! <runs off
screaming>
Crow: <runs through screaming>
Mike: Hey, c'mon. I've read that group before. They have some good writing on
there <pause> sometimes.
Dr. F: Well, Milli Vanilli, this one is not one of the good ones. In fact,
it's so bad you'll wish you were watching "Monster-A-Go-Go!" Hahahahaha!!!!
Mike: Monster-A- ...what??
Dr. F: I hate you, Morgenstern. Send him the fanfic, Frank.
Tom and Crow: <run by screaming>
<fanfic sign flashes>
Mike: Hey guys, look! We've got fanfic sign!
Tom and Crow: <pause, look at each other, scream, run off screaming in opposite
directions>
6...5...4...3...2...1...0
[Mike carries a screaming Tom in and plunks him in his seat.
Crow runs in and runs up and down the front, screaming.]
Mike: Shhhh, guys, it'll be okay. How bad can it be?
Crow: <In his seat now> Well, there was a little piece called "Cyborged..."
Tom: <screams>
Crow: <screams>
>alt.startrek.creative #8038 (2 more) >[1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] TNG _Enterprized_ part 1
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Mon Nov 29 08:50:37 CST 1993
>Lines: 58
Mike: Hey, you guys, quiet down. It's starting.
>This is a next Generation story
>All spelling errors are to be ingored
Tom: Oh, please, tell me he's joking there.
Crow: I hate to say it, but I don't think so.
>Written by Stephen Ratliff
Tom: <desperate> He was joking, right? Please, tell me he was joking!
Mike: Tom, he was joking.
Tom: <hopefully> Really?
Mike: I'm sorry, Tom. I don't know. I hope so.
Tom: Oh God.
>Comments welcome
Crow: Much obliged, Stephen.
>______________________________________________________________
> E N T E R P R I Z E D by Stephen Ratliff
>______________________________________________________________
> PROLOGUE
>
> "Evasive Maneuvers, fire phasers, LT. Yarr," Lueitenant
Mike: Well, I can evade ok, and fire ok, but I don't know how to Yarr.
>Richard Casteel said as three romulan warbirds sircled the
>Enterprise-C casually firing on it.
Tom: "Sircled?"
Crow: So, how you wanna shoot 'em, sir?
Mike: Well, try to shoot 'em without looking like you're trying to.
Crow: How'm I supposed to do that?
Mike: I don't know. Fire casual.
> The Romulans soon took
>the Enterprise seriously as it destoryed a warbird.
Crow: I wish somebody would destroy this fanfic.
Tom: I don't know about that, but it's been destoryed, all right.
> The responce was quick.
Tom: Yeah, disgust. Let us out of here!
> "Lieutenant sheilds are down and phasers are at 10%,"
>Yar informed her comanding officer. As she completed her
>comment she noticed something else.
Crow:<falsetto> Lieutenant, your fly is open.
> "Romulan transporters are active."
Tom: In the sewing circle.
> "Get those sheilds up, Now!" Casteel orderd.
> "Enginneering reports that they are unable to do so," an ensign said.
Mike: Ensign Now?
Tom: Hee-hee.
> "Sir, Romulans are in enginneering," Yarr exclaimed.
Crow: They're taking jobs away from us in *every* field!
> Suddenly five romulans materailized on the bridge.
Mike: You can't play bridge with five!
> "The subcommander in charge said, "Surrender or die." Lieutenant
>Casteel got up from his seat and said, "Never."
Mike: Uh, is that never surrender or never *die*?
> He reached for his phaser. He never touched it
Crow: I never laid a hand on it, I swear!
> as the subcommander vaporized him.
Tom: I guess he meant never surrender.
> "Any more takers for death?"
Mike: Oh, c'mon! That line was lifted from a Speed Racer cartoon!
Tom: Which episode?
Mike: Er, most of them, actually.
> Chapter One
>
>Captains Log STARDATE 47567.25
>The Enterprise has be ordered on a interesting mission. We will
>be time travelling to resuce the Enterprise C from Romulus. In
>order to inprove our chances I ame taking the inventor of a
>cloaking device on board.
Tom: A spell checker might be a good investment, Stephen.
> "Captain the USS Galaxy has signaled that the inventor
>is ready to beam aboard." Worf said.
> "Number One, Counselor,"
Mike: <falsetto> What, right here?
> Picard said as he got up from his comfortable chair.
All: The *comfy* chair!
> "Dr. Chrusher, LaForge report to transporter room 3," Picard said after
>tapping his commicator.
Crow: Tap! Tap! Accept or reject!
Tom: I accept! *God*, I accept.
Mike: What are you guys talking about?
Tom: Well, Mike, if we told you we'd have to leave the room.
> "What did Admiral Edwards not withhold about our inventor," Picard asked.
Crow: <falsetto> Well, he did say he had a nice -
Mike: Crow!
Crow: What?
> "He is young and secretive," Troi said.
> "Anything I don't know?"
Tom: <falsetto> Well, I sleep in the nude...
> "I guess not."
> The threesome
Mike: Not a word, Crow.
Crow: Fine, fine. I'll just think about it.
Tom: You've seen too many French movies.
> left the turbolift and proceed to the transporter room.
> Apon entering The room Geodi informed them,"Docter Chursher will be a late.
Crow: <Picard voice> Whew! I was worried!
> She said to go ahead with out her."
Tom: No, she has to come out of the closet on her own.
> "Beam him aboard then"
Mike: What kind of board?
>------------------------CUT-HERE--------------------------------
>Part Two to be sent Wednesday December 1
Tom: Is that a threat?
>alt.startrek.creative #8077 (1 more) [1]-->(1)
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] TNG Enterprized part 2
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Wed Dec 01 08:54:14 CST 1993
>Lines: 80
>
>This is a Next Generation story.
>Spell checker is down.
Crow: C-H-E-C-K-E-R space I-S -
<Mike touches his shoulder; Crow stops>
>Written by Stephen Ratliff
>Comments welcome
Tom: Once again, thank you for your support.
>-----------------------------------------------------------
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
>..............................................part 2.......
>
>Chapter 1 on cont.
>
> Westly Chrusher materized on the transporter disk. "Hi," He said.
All: Hi Wes!
Tom: Not one, not two, but *three* spelling errors in Wesley Crusher's name
alone.
Crow: Hey, wait a minute. Does the capital "H" mean that Wesley Crusher is
God?
Tom: No, it just means that the author can neither spell nor proofread.
Crow: Well, as long as Wesley isn't God, what does it matter?
> After noting some surprised looks around the room,
Crow: I guess they thought he'd been killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts.
>he said, "You did ask for the inventor of a cloaking device or did I take the wrong ship?"
Tom: Wrong ship! Get the hell outta here!
> "I beleive we did," Riker said. "Right Captain?"
> "I seem the recall doing so," Picard confirmed.
Crow:<Picard voice> Of course, I'm getting old and my memory is going.
> "Why the secretcy Wes," Geordi asked as he came around
>the console to greet Westly.
> "How else can I surprise my mom?" Wes asked.
Tom: Remember her birthday!
Mike: Clean your room!
Crow: Stop being such a smartass all the time!
> As Westly completed the sentence, Dr Chrusher entered the room.
"Hi Mom," Westly said. Dr Chrusher fainted into Picard's arms who lowed her to the floor.
Crow: And ravished her cruelly! Ha ha!
> "I didn't think I'd surprise her that much," Westly said.
All:<muted trumpet imitation> Wah-wah-wahhhhhh.
> Picard looked around and ordered, "Number One, take the Docter to Sickbay.
> The rest of us will get ready for the 0800 mission briefing."
Tom: We'll sweep the carpet, get fresh flowers for the conference table...
> The Crew was seated around the table in the observation
>lounge. Westly Chrusher, however was standing by the viewscreen
Crow: Fast-forwarding to the good parts in "The Wicked Lady."
>"This device will cloak all the ship but the forward 8 meters of the saucer section."
> Westly said. "So we should leave the saucer section behind. It will However cover
> the Enterprise-C with room to spare."
Tom: Room to spare, but less than eight meters?
> "That means we will need some one to crew the saucer
>section and we don't have crew to spare," Picard said .
>"Suggestions?"
Mike: <Riker voice> I'll take it! That saucer section's a babe magnet!
> "We could use the kid's crew," Westly suggested.
> "Kid's crew," Riker said, "who's idea was that?"
Crow: His. Weren't you listening either?
> "Marrissa Flores," Westly said. "She formed it after
>she was trapped in the turbo lift with Captain Picard."
Crow: Say now...
Mike: Watch it, Crow.
> "I know young Marrissa," Picard said,
Crow: Biblically?
> "but I refuse to put children at risk."
Tom: Oh, sure. *That's* why you go into battle with kids on the ship.
> "What was you _Kobayshi_Maru_ time Captain," Westly asked.
> "15 minutes but I don't see how that helps out," Picard said.
Crow: Didn't last too long, did he?
Tom: Oh, that was low.
> "Marrissa's is 20," Westly replied.
> "20 minutes my time was 13," Riker said.
> "Mine was 14:03.467879," Data said.
> "We should make sure this young lady gets into Starfleet Academy,"
>Picard said. "The Kid's crew gets a go-ahead. How long before Engineering
>is ready for this mission?"
> "12 Hours, Captain," Geordi said.
Tom: We've got to practice our technobabble.
> "Saucer separation will occur at 2300 hours," Picard said.
>"We depart for Romulus via timetravel at 0100 hours.
Mike: Or we could forget the mission, go to Risa for a month, *then* go back
in time to now! Nobody would know the difference!
> Meeting adjourned."
<Tom and Crow start to leave.>
Mike: Come back, guys. He wasn't talking to you.
<Tom and Crow sit down again, sighing in disappointment.>
>Chapter 2
>^^^^^^^^^
> Captain Picard was drinking a cup of earl gray tea when
>Marrissa Floras arrived. "Come,"
Mike: Not a word, Crow. Not a word.
> He said when she rang his doorbell
>Marrissa came in and sat down. "I called you here be cause you might
>be able to solve a small personal promblem I have," Picard said.
Crow: None of the grown-up women understand me.
> "How small?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: Don't say a word, guys. Just let it pass.
> "Saucer section command crew," Picard informed.
> "And why me?"
> "Your 20 mintute _Kobayshi_Maru_ time."
> "You are out of date.
Crow: I know, why do you think I called you here?
> It's 21:32 now."
Mike: It's past your bedtime, young lady!
> "I would like to know your command crew if possible"
> "Jay Gordan for first officer, Clarrissa Sutter, Chief
>Engineer, and Alexander for Chief of security. I'll have to review
>a little to find the best for the rest."
Tom: Mess with some tests and wrest with the rest.
> "You start at 1800 hours." Picard said.
Tom: <falsetto> Oh, wait, I can't. Mom'll get real mad if I'm not back for
dinner.
> Marrissa skipped out of the room and into the aft turbolift.
Crow: Picard watched her go. Her young, firm -
Mike: <grabs Crow's mouth and holds it shut>
Tom: Let's get out of here!
Mike: Yeah, OK...
>
>===========================Cut=Here=================================
Mike: Oh wait, Tom, we can't. It's starting up again.
Tom: <whimpers>
>Stephen Ratliff at Radford U.
Tom: Damn you, Ratliff!!! Do you hear me? DAMN YOU!!!!!
Crow: Hey, Tom, settle down. Mike, maybe we should take him out of here. I
haven't seen him in such a state since Fugitive Alien 2.
<Tom is beginning to shake.>
>alt.startrek.creative #8151 (6 more) >[1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] TNG Enterprized part 3
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Mon Dec 06 10:56:55 CST 1993
>Lines: 96
Mike: Tom, you okay?
Tom: <makes bizarre, gasping noises>
Crow: I think the fanfic's made him swallow his tongue!
Mike: He doesn't *have* a tongue.
Crow: Okay, fine. *You* tell *me* what's wrong.
Mike: I don't know. Let's get him out of here!
<They exit the theater>
<Through the doors...>
Tom is on the counter. Mike is examining his chassis.
Crow: Well, what is it?
Mike: <Flipping thru his copy of _E-Z Bot Repair_> I don't know. I don't -
wait! Tom, you've got something jammed in here real good... <he pokes at
Tom's innards with a screwdriver>
<Tom jolts. A beam of light shoots out of his midsection, projecting
the image of a female onto the wall>
Crow: What the hey?
<A pause to build up tension>
Tom: <falsetto> Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
Crow: Why you little -!
Tom: Oh, come on, Crow, it was funny!
Mike: Tom, we were worried about you.
Crow: Yeah, I thought your head might blow up or something.
Tom: Oh, Crow, really. It takes more than a bad fanfic to make my head explode.
Crow: Oh, then you're ready to go back in?
Tom: Um... well, sure, but if you don't want to, that's fine...
Crow: I wanna go.
Mike and Tom <simultaneously>: You DO?
Crow: Sure. I mean, it's *bad*, but not *that* bad.
Mike: Huh?
<Crow nudges Mike.>
Mike: Ohhhh. I get it. Yeah, Tom, Crow's right. We're going back in.
<Fanfic sign flashes, Mike picks Tom up>
Tom: No! No! Really, it's fine if we take a break!
Mike: It's fanfic sign now, Tom. We have to go.
Tom: <a wail of anguish usually reserved for the utterly damned>
<Through the doors, back into the theater>
Crow: You deserve to suffer, Servo.
Tom: Okay, I'm sorry. It was a joke, okay?
Crow: I'm still not speaking to you.
Tom: You just did.
Crow: That was the last time ever.
Tom: You just did it again.
Crow: Well, *that* was the last time.
Tom: You just-
Mike: Okay, guys. Let's just get back to the fanfic, okay?
>====================================================================
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
> by Stephen Ratliff
>---------------------------------------------part 3-----------------
>
>Chapter 2 Cont.
>
> Marrissa and 4 other children entered the bridge a few minutes
>before 1600 hours. Captain Picard was there along with Beta Shift.
>"Ah, Marrissa right on time," Picard said.
Tom: <Southern accent, falsetto> Just like Holly Farms.
> "I assum this is your bridge crew."
Crow: When you assum you make an ass out of - oh, wait, that doesn't work.
Learn to proofread already!
> "Correct,"
Tom: <Ed McMahon voice> You are correct, sir!
> Marrissa said and sensing that he wanted interductions,
> "Jay Gordan Craig who will act as my first officer. Clara Sutter, my chief Enginneer who
> will leave for saucer engineering in an hour.
Tom: <falsetto> Right now we're having a tea party! Join us, won't you?
> Alexander, Chief of Security; Patterson Supra, helmsman;
>and Ro Narys
Tom: Oh geez. Couldn't you do better than that? It's not that hard to
make up an original name...
> science and ops; round out my Alpha shift. Jay also takes
>command of Beta Shift, and Clara of Gamma.
Mike: And Locutus of Borg.
> Alpha wil be on duty till
>0100 gamma till 0900 and normal rotation there after."
> "It seems you have every thing fingured out," Picard said
>"You and your crew have the bridge." Picard and the Beta shift left
>the bridge.
Mike: All right! Let's get the hell out of here before they realize we're
never coming back.
> As Alexander took over Tactical from his father (who normal
>commands Beta shift), He noticed a vessel crossing the Neurtal Zone.
>"Captain, a vessel is crossing the Romulan Neurtral Zone," Alexander
>said. "It is shuttle craft size and unarmed.
Tom: It could be a shuttlecraft.
Crow: Nahhh.
> It is on an intercept coarse."
Mike: I think you're a little young for such coarse language, kid.
> "Hail them, Notify Captain Picard," Marrissa said.
Tom: What the heck is a Notify Captain?
> "Incoming Message," Alexander said
> "On Screen," Marrissa said in her best Picard imtation. Spock appeared.
All: <jump in fright> Ahhhh!
> "This is Marrissa Floras Captain of the U.S.S Enterprise's Kid's Crew.
> How may I be of assitance?"
Crow: Why would Spock say - oh, I get it. Never mind.
> "I am Ambassidor Spock," Spock replied.
Mike: Logical thing to say.
Tom: Eminently logical.
> "Permission to land
>in your shuttlebay." Finally noticing the fact that only children
>were on the the bridge he asked, "What are you doing on the bridge?
Crow: Ah, Vulcan brainpower at work.
Tom: He's got more earwax than brains.
>I thought Captain Picard did allow children on the bridge."
Mike: And now I see I was right all along.
> "Commanding the saucer section," Marrissa said. She consulted her PADD
Tom: Actually, this thing *does* read like a PAD novel.
Crow: "The Seige" was a fine work, do you hear me? A *fine* work!
> and said, "Land in shuttlebay 2. Mr Alexander will guild you in.
Tom: You'll have to be apprenticed to him for seven years, but you'll get
used to that.
> Mr. Data will meet you on arrival. Enterprise out."
Crow: <makes bell noise, sound of cheering crowd>
Mike: <sportscaster voice> Enterprise is out! That's it! It's all over!
Tom: Don't give me false hopes, all right?
> Spock stepped out of his shuttle to meet Data. "Mr. Data why
>are children in command of the bridge?"
Crow: Because this is a stupid fanfic!
> "We are unable to cloak with the saucer section attached," Data
>said. "Also the regular crew is need for are mission to resucue the
>Enterprise-C. Westley Crusher suggested that the kids now in command
>of the bridge could do the job.
Tom: Of course, Wesley's an idiot, and we're going to see he gets killed on
the mission.
> The Girl in command has a 20 minute Kobayshi Maru time."
> "Logical."
Crow: No, it's not! It's stupid!
Mike: Well, the author thinks it's logical.
Crow: Don't get me started.
> The two science officers porceeded to the battle bridge.
Mike: Omar Sharif gets tough in "Battle Bridge- The Next Generation!"
> Spock entered the battle bridge ready room. "Captain,
>I Have new information on the Enterprise-C." he said. "Also I
>have found out what happened to Tasha Yarr."
Crow: Oh, he went to Blockbuster's and rented "Red Shoe Diaries 2."
> "Good," Picard said "Lets start with the Enterprise-C"
> "The Enterprise-C was fully repared and ready to enbark on a
>spy mission for the Romulan Empire," Spock said. "It mystriosly warped
>out of orbit. I was unable to find the exact STARDATE but it was some
>5 years after its disappearance not before STARDATE 35070."
> "And Yarr"
> "She disappeard in a Federation Transporter Beam a day after
>the Enterprise-C. I have the coordinates ot the mystrious
>disappearance."
Tom: Huh? For a Trek fan, this guy doesn't seem to care much about continuity.
Crow: Neither do the Trek producers.
> "Give them to the transporter chief."
Tom: Or not, as you see fit.
> At 2340 the Gamma Shift crew enter the battle bridge to join
>Captain Picard.
Tom: In a game of Twister!
> As Picard sat down Marrissa informed him from the
>Main bridge, "Saucer section ready. All personal
Crow: <falsetto> ...belongings must be safely stowed in an overhead rack
or under the seat in front of you.
> who are going with you are in your section."
> "Thank you Marrissa," Picard said. "Seal all connecting
>cooridors and turbolifts, Mr Data."
> "All Turbolifts cleat," Data said.
All: "CLEAT?"
> "Corridors and turbolifts have been sealed, Captain."
> "Released docking latches."
> "Docking latches released."
Mike: Bore audience!
Tom: Audience bored!
> "Marrissa set a coarse 120 mark 90," Picard said. "Engage."
>the Enterprise Split appart.
Tom: The humble amoeba reproduces asexually, by dividing in two.
Crow: That doesn't sound like much fun.
> "We are clear of the saucer," Data said.
Mike: So be real careful not to spill the tea, okay?
> "Captain I'll see you at DS9," Marrissa said over the intercom.
>"Saucer out."
Tom: The little bot laughed to see such sport.
Crow: And the dish ran away with the crew.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>Sorry I'M late.
Tom: I'm just glad he's not pregnant.
Mike: Hey -
Tom: Sorry.
Crow: Not bad, Servo.
Tom: You know, Crow, there is a certain freedom to it, a je nais se qoi...
Crow: Yeah, feels good, don't it?
Mike: Don't get any bright ideas, Tom.
>Excuse My liberal inclusion of charactor
Mike: What character?
>Note the following as source of charactors
>Diasater Marrissa Floras
> Jay Gordan Craig
> Patterson Supra
>Imaginary Friend
> Clara Sutter
>Alexander > any Worf Episode after season 5?
>
>Next posting some time this week
Crow: Same crap-time, same crap-channel!
> Stephen Ratliff at
> Radford U.
>
>ANYTHING CAN AND WILL HAPPEN.
Tom: Stephen could learn to spell.
>I got on a roll here is part 4
All: <cries of anguish>
>=======================================================================
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
> by Stephen Ratliff
>-----------------------------------------------------part 4----------
>
> Chapter Three
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Captain's Log Supplemental
> We have initiated saucer seperation and are traveling
>toward the neurtal zone. I have left Marrissa Floras in charge
>of the saucer section with orders to proceed to DS9.
Tom: Oh, have heart! You've already massacred *one* good show!
Crow: Sorry, what was that?
Tom: Okay, so TNG's been a little off this season.
> We are about
>to time travel back to retrive the Enterprise-C.
Mike: Contrive is more like it.
> Westley Crusher entered and sat down at one of the battle
>bridge's aft stations. "Captain cloaking device has been installed.
Crow: Hey, where'd Picard go?
>We can time travel cloaked."
> "Engage Cloaking Device," Picard order. THe Enterprise
>shimmered and disappeared. "Excute Slingshot maneuver," THe ship
>went into warp around a nearby star. The out lines of a galaxy
>class ship appeared for a moment and was gone.
Mike: Geez. Talk about anticlimactic.
> Suddenly the Enterprise stopped.
Crow: Oh, shoot. Okay, everybody, get out and push. Only 12 lightyears to the
next stop for gas.
> Picard asked," Mr Data,Crurrent STARDATE?"
Tom: No need to shout!
> "37568.1993," Data replied.
> "Set a coarse for Romulas, Ensign Ro," Picard said. "Data
>you have the bridge."
>
> ...Any more takers for death" the Romulan subcomander said.
Mike: Oh no! We've traveled back in time to the beginning of the fanfic!
All: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
>Tasha Yarr woke up with a start. She went into her daughters room
>and stroked Sela's long blond hair.
Crow: Yes! Yes! Finally some action!
Tom & Mike: CROW!!!
> :I can't let her grow up on
>Romulas. I can't stand it myself. Its worse than where I grew up:
Crow: Pittsburgh.
>She thought. :Maybe I can get the shuttlecraft working:
Tom: Anything. Just advance the plot!
> At 0100 hours Marrissa left the bridge in Clara's hands.
>As she walked to her quarters, she wondered; Do I have the ablity
>to sucessfully get this ship though a battle if nessary? Do I ...
>
Tom: Well, *that* was a bizarre interlude, wasn't it?
> As the Stardrive section that entered Romulan orbit, cloaked of
>coarse. Worf called out," I have located the Enterprise-C."
> "On screen," Picard said. The Enterprise-C appeared on
>the screen.
Mike: Wow! It's just like Picture Picture!
> It appears to be freshly painted.
Crow: They must have given the model a touch-up.
> Its warp engines glowed.
> "Worf, how many people are on board."
> "15 total," Worf replied. "3 on the bridge, 1 in transproter
>room 2, 2 in sickbay, and 9 in engineering."
All: <singing> And a partridge in a pear tree!
> "Ready boarding parties, Number one," Picard said.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>Part 5 will be posted within 5 days.
Tom: Don't threaten us, mister!
>Comments welcome
Mike: We appreciate that. We really do.
>Stephen Ratliff at Radford U.
>
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>alt.startrek.creative #8208 (11 more) >[1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] TNG Enterprized part 5
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Thu Dec 09 13:42:22 CST 1993
>Lines: 79
>
>Sorry about the delay Radford University computers ate my first
>try on this part.
All: <give a heartfelt cheer for the bold efforts of the Radford computers who
attempted to save the Net.>
Crow: I'm sure the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation would like a moment
of silence in appreciation for the efforts of those bold computers.
All: <bow heads to honor the computers, Tom sniffles>
<A brief pause>
Crow: Okay! Let's go! Prepare to riff away! Ha-HA!
<another brief pause>
Tom: <sniffle> I just can't stop thinking about those poor computers! They
gave it their all, but Ratliff got through anyway! Oh, Mike, life
isn't *fair*!
>=======================================================================
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
> by Stephen Ratliff
>-------------------------------------------------------part 5----------
> Chapter Four
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Captain's Log Stardate 37569.6
> Having asembled all that we can of the cloaking device for the
>Enterprise-C, we are about to board the older Enterprise.
Mike: Eh? Oh, they're going to cloak *another* ship.
Tom: Too bad they couldn't do it for this fanfic. <pauses, breaks down crying>
Oh, those poor computers! Oh, the humanity of it all!
> Worf, Westley, Geodi, Lts. Floras and Barckay, and another
>security officer beamed into enginneering.
Mike: A generic security officer? Oh, he's *gone*.
> As soon as Worf matterized
>with his phaser ready he said, "Put your hands up."
Tom: That's out of character.
Crow: So he made a gambit.
Tom: Ugh.
> One romulan was not cooperitive. His Disrupter vaporized Lt. Floras.
Tom: Yep, that's uncooperative, all right.
Mike: Hey, wait. A no-name is still alive, while a character who has been
given a name is dead. Stephen can't even get Trek stereotypes right!
> The remainer of the boarding party stunned
> the nine romulan enginneers into cooperation.
Crow: With their rendition of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Mikado!"
> Meanwhile on the bridge of the Enterprise-C, Riker and five
>security officers beamed in. Riker's team lost one officer, an Ensign
>Floras,
Mike: Uh-oh. I see a trend here.
> when the Romulan commanding officer (the same officer who
>killed Casteel) fired on his team. However, Riker's team prevailed.
Tom: Yes, another exciting battle scene brought to you by Stephen Ratliff.
> As the others took up their assignments Doctors Crusher and
>Gavar, took out the two in SickBay with their hyposprays and a little
>percesion transprort beaming.
Crow: What the hell is a doctor doing on an assault team?
Mike: Oh, Crow, you forgot the primary rule of alt.startrek.creative: involve all the
cast, even if they have nothing to do.
> Data took over the transporter room
>in a simmalar fassion only he used a Vulcan Nick Pinch.
Tom: Romulans who cut yourselves shaving, beware!
> "Riker to Boarding parties"
All: <make general partying, carrying-on noises>
> "La Forge, Enginneering secure. One death, Lt Floras. The ship
>seems to be in good repair."
All: <singing> Always look on the bright side of life! <whistle>
> "His wife doed as well," Riker said.
Tom: She doed it?
Crow: Yeah, she doed it!
> "Data?"
> "Transporter Room secure," Data said. "No problems."
> "Dr. Crusher?" Riker inquired.
> "Sickbay secure," Crusher said.
> "La Forge, Data, and Crusher," Riker order, "Beam over to the
>Enterprise-D with your prisoners. Riker out. Riker to Enterprise-D."
> "Picard here, how did it go Will."
Tom: Yes, we'll have to read a couple.
> "The ship is secure you may beam over my crew," Riker said.
>"Two deaths, Lt and Ensign Floras."
> "You get to inform Marrissa Commander Riker," Picard said.
Mike: I'm going to avoid any and all responsibility. Nyah-nyah!
> "I'm not looking forward to it," Riker said. "Riker out."
Crow: Eight...Nine...Ten!! That's it! Riker's out!
>Cheif Engineer's Log USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C
>Lieutenant Reginald Barclay III recording
> We have spent the past four hours installing the cloaking
>device and are now seaching for tracking devices.
Tom: Succinct and to the point.
Crow: Rule seventeen: Omit needless words! Omit needless words! Omit needless
words!
Mike: Yeah, but then we'd be dumping the whole fanfic.
Crow: And you have a problem with that?
> "Here is another one, Lieutenant," Westley said as the
>two crawled down a jefferies tube.
Crow: I think this scene has enough naughty implications without me adding
any.
> "Thats the 508th one we've found," Barclay said. "The Romulans
>are sure into overkill."
Mike: Oh, that's it? That's a brief scene.
Tom: Small mercies.
> That very morning Tasha and Sela went for a walk. It was a
>beutiful morning, the romulan version of birds were singing and the
>flowers were in bloom.
Tom: The romulan version of flowers, that is.
> Tasha turned into a cave.
Mike: Wow! That's a neat trick!
> At the back of the
>yellow cave was a shuttle craft.
Crow: Why was the cave yellow? Symbolism or sulfur deposits?
Tom: Do you care?
Crow: No, not really.
> It bore the inscription NCC-1701-C
>USS Enterprise.
> "What is this mother," Sela asked.
Mike: Young lady, I ought to wash your mouth out with soap!
> "A shuttle from my last post in the faederation fleet," her
>mother replied.
>
>------------------------------------------end part 5-------------------
>Part 6 may come tommarrow. if not it will be posted in the 2nd week of
>January.
Tom: That's okay. Please, don't feel obligated to rush.
>Authors Note:
> Lt. and Ensign Floras are Marrissa's parents.
Tom: Well, *duh*.
> now taking suggestions on foster or adoptive
> parents. Suggestions will be taken intill
> 1-11-94.
> I wil not be on the net between 12-16-93 and
> 1-09-94.
All: <Cheering>
> Stephen Ratlif at Radford U.
Tom: Excuse me for interrupting here. I would just like to point out that
the author is incapable of spelling his own name correctly.
> email : sratliff@rucs3.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
>Next part : Romulan detechtion and Cardassian battle.
Tom: If you're trying to capture our interest, it isn't working.
>alt.startrek.creative #8228 >(1)
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] TNG Enterprized part 6
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Fri Dec 10 11:42:31 CST 1993
>Lines: 134
>
>This Post will be reposte when I get back from Winter Break
Tom: Well, we'll just parry this one, then.
>==================================================================
> E N T E R P R I Z E D
> by Stephen Ratliff
>---------------------------------------------------part 6---------
>
> Chapter Five
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Captain's Log STARDATE 37570.2 USS Enterprise NCC-1701-C
>Commander William T. Riker recording
Crow: A new collector's video, called "Naughty Women of Starfleet!"
> The Enterprise is now ready to go as all staff is on board.
Mike:<Riker voice> Except for me. I'm on my way to Risa.
> Note crew list {Apendix attached to part}.
>
> "Commander two Romulan warbird are on an intercept coarse
>with us," Worf said. ":There weapons are charging.~
Mike: Not to mention their ships.
> "Looks like we have been discovered," Riker said. "Inform
>the Enterprise-D. Westley Crusher, to the bridge."
> "Captain Picard is hailing us," Worf said.
> "On Screen," Riker said.
> "What seems to be the Problem, Will,"
Crow: I'm gaining weight, sir. Look at me this season, I've ballooned! I'm
starting to do a Shatner!
> "Two unfriendly Romulan Warbirds," Riker said.
> "Lead them out of the system." Picard orded. "Then lose
>them with your cloaking device. Picard out."
Tom: Why didn't they turn the cloak on in the first place?
> Westley Crusher arrived on the brigde. "Take helm, Wes,"
>Riker said. "Plot a coarse 134 mark 179, full impluse.
Crow: <high-pitched, quavery, adolescent voice> That's "impulse," sir.
Mike: <Riker voice> Shut up, kid.
> Warp when
>we clear the system. And keep us ahead of them and away from their
>shots."
> The Enterprise shot out of orbit. Roulan warbird followed
>out it like sharks after a bloody fish.
All: <hum JAWS theme>
> The gained on the Enterprise as it left the system. They opened fire
>but Wes made aquick evasive manuaveur and went into warp. The Romulans started
>to gain on the Enterprise agian as she passed warp 4. Westly was visablely sweating.
Mike: Oh, man, if they pull us over they'll find my stash!
> When Riker noticed this he said," Go to warp 8.
Tom: <Southern accent> Boys, doncha think y'all are goin' just a little
above that Warp 5 speed limit?
> Worf cloak us in 30 secords."
Crow: What's a Worf cloak?
> The Enterprise shot forward. The Romulans increased speed.
>However the Enterrprise-C disappeared from ther sensors.
Tom: Another gripping scene draws to a close.
> "Marrissa to the bridge. RED ALERT. Marrissa to the bridge."
Tom: Marissa to the bridge, code Yarborough.
>The alarm woke Marrissa she jumped in to her boots (She slept in her
>unform) and ran to the waiting turbolift. "Bridge," She ordered. As
>the trubolift sped to its destination, she wondered what was goning
>on to call Red Alert deep inside Federation space. The Turbolift
>doors opened.
Mike: Revealing Michael Caine in a dress!
All: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
> On screen was a Cardassian warship. "What's going on."
> "The Cardassian captian opened commication with a phaser
>bolt," Clara said. "Then asked for us to surrender. I told him
Crow: To go take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut.
>I had to get the Commanding officer. He is waiting for you reply."
> "Open a Channel," Captain Marrissa Floras said.
> Gul Ducat appeared on screen.
Tom: Geez, Ratliff wants to ruin DS9 too.
> "This is Captain Marrissa
>Floras of the Federation starship Enterprise. Why do you want us
>to surrender," Maarrissa said confededently. "In fact why are you
>56.1 Parsec from the nearest Carrdassain Space and 50 parces inside
>federation space?"
Mike: What? Oh, I *knew* I should have taken that left turn at Albequerque.
> "Why do I what you to surender," Gul Ducet said. "You are a
>bunch of kids no kids should ever command a starship. And I'm here
>to attack Earth."
All: <moans>
Tom: He's taking on the entire Federation with *one* ship?
> "I can see that you better aplogies for you insults and
>leave Federation Space," Marrissa said. "You can start with the
>treat to attack earth.
Crow: <falsetto> I say that because it *would* be a treat.
> Then the incursion on Federation Space
>and ending with that comment concerning my crew."
Tom: We prefer to be called "pre-adults."
> "Why should I apoligies to a child," Gul Ducet sneered.
>As the Gul concluded he cut off commacations and opened fire.
> "Mr Alexander return the favor," Marrissa ordered.
>"Mr Supra evasive pattern Mozart Jupiter. Clara, prepare to match
>ore shields to the Cardassians."
Tom: Mike, do we have to watch this?
> The Saucer section movered about evading the Cardassian ships
>fire by as much as 20 meters.
Tom: "Movered?" How'd this guy get into college?
> Gul Ducet began to get mad at his weapons officer.
Crow: "Give me everything, just like last night!"
> "Patterson take us in to the dorsal side of the Cardassian
>ship," Marissa ordered. "Change evassive to Morning.
Tom: Offensive to Noon and Defensive to Night.
> Clara match Cardassian shields."
> "Sheilds matched," Clara said as they neaared the cardassian
>ship. "Their sheild engery is begining to follow to coarse of ours."
Mike: What?
Crow: Wow, I think "Wild World of Batwoman" made more sense than that last
sentence.
> "Alexander fire ventral pahsers," Marrissa ordered. "Target
>tropedos on their only phaser bay."
Tom: One ship. One phaser bank. And he's attacking earth? That's like trying
to drive to the corner grocery store in a Yugo!
> The Enterprise hit the Cardassian ship hard knocking out the
>engins and wepons. The Sheild remainded up but they containd both
>ships. The Cardasian ship was unable to respond in any more.
Tom: It was just too tuckered out.
> "Alexander set phasers for light hull scoring," Marrissa
>ordered. "End all other firing and inscribe 'I lost to a bunch of
>kids' on the hull.
Mike: And give 'em a big noogie too!
Crow: A wedgie!
Mike: A wet willy!
Tom: Not to mention the dreaded "rear admiral."
All: <shudder at the mention of the dreaded rear admiral>
> Open a channel when you are done."
> After a moment Gul Ducet appeared on the screen. "I
>surrender." he said.
>
>Captain's Log STARDATE 47072.1
Tom: Hey! They must've traveled back in time, too!
Crow: How do you get that?
Tom: Look at the Stardate. It was 47567.25 when the fanfic started.
Crow: I can't believe you noticed that.
> USS Enterprise saucer section
>Marrissa Floras recording.
> Captain Morris and the Arizona have aarrived to take the
>Cardassian ship to it`s space by way of Deep Space Nine. We have
>resumed coarse and wil arrive about 2 hours ahead of them.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>Part 7 will be posted inthe 2nd or 3rd week of Januaary.
>This Part will be reposted as soon as I get back from Winter Break.
>
>Apendix A Enterprise-C Crew
>
>Commanding Officer CMD William T. Riker
>First Officer CPT Spock
Tom: Why is a Commander over a Captain?
Crow: Well, you never know with Starfleet.
>Tactical LT. Worf
>Chief Engineeer LT. Reginald Barclay III
>Helm Westly Crusher
>
>Apendix B Enterprise saucer section crew
>
>Commanding officer Marrissa Floras
>First Officer Jay Gordan Craig
>Chief Engineer Clara Sutter
>Helm Patterson Supra
>OPs and Science Ro Narys
>Tractical Alaxander
>
>Looking for
Tom: Someone with writing skills?
Crow: Someone with a life?
Mike: Someone with the ability to spell?
All: DON'T CALL RATLIFF!
> Foster or adoptive parents for Marrissa
> Presnt sugestions inculde
> votes Choice
> 11 Picard
> 5 Riker
> 2 Worf
> 1 La Forge
> 1 Troi (with Riker)
> 1 Crusher
> New names to rename the Enterprise-C
>
>Suggestions welcome.
Crow: Don't quit your day job.
Mike: Crow, that's rude.
Crow: Well, he *asked!!*
> Stephen Ratliff
> at Radford University
Tom: What he's doing there is a mystery...
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
>ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN (and just might)
Tom: It's over! It's over!
<They exit the theater>
<Door sequence>
Tom: Oh, thank goodness that's over. What a nightmare!
Crow: Y'know, I think that was worse than "Cyborged."
Tom: I'd be inclined to agree with you, Crow.
Crow: Hey, wait. The Floras kid's parents died before she was even born.
Right?
Tom: Yeah...
Crow: So, if they died before she was born, she couldn't have been born,
right?
Tom: You mean...
Crow: Yep. This fanfic never happened. It's all a bad dream.
Mike: I dunno, Crow. I think you're reaching a little.
Crow: Oh, c'mon, Mike! Think about it. If Marrissa was never born, than
a good part of the plot of this fanfic -
Mike: Plot?
Crow: Okay, pseudo-plot. A good part of the fanfic couldn't have happened
without Marrissa, right?
Mike: Yeah...
Crow: In fact, Marrissa was *so* critical to the pseudo-plot that without
her the fanfic wouldn't exist, would it?
Mike: But -
Crow: But nothing! Mike, I'm telling you, this fanfic never happened.
Tom: Crow, I like your reasoning. Mike, just accept it. This fanfic
was nothing more than a dream, a bad dream.
Crow: A *very* bad dream.
Mike: Your logic's flawed, guys. You see - <light flashes> Hang on, Wally and the Beav
are calling. <he hits the button>
Dr. F: Well, Melville, how was the fanfic?
Crow: Fanfic?
Tom: What fanfic?
Dr. F: Don't try to play with my mind, lab rats. You know exactly what I mean.
Crow: We didn't get any fanfic.
Tom: <Shakes head adamantly>
Dr. F: But we know you got it! Frank, they got it, didn't they?
Frank: <wandering in from the right> Got what?
Dr. F: The fanfic!
Frank: Fanfic? What fanfic?
Dr. F: "Enterprized," by Stephen Ratliff.
Frank: Never heard of it.
Dr. F: Frank, it's bad enough with them doing this, but *you*?
Frank: What?
Dr. F: The fanfic, Frank.
Frank: What fanfic?
Dr. F: The fanfic we just - oh, never mind. <Turns back to camera, looks very confused>
Ahem. Well, gentlemen, never mind. I'm going to go lie down for a while.
<wanders off>
<Back on the Satellite>
Crow: There, Mike, you see? It never happened. What more proof do you need?
Mike: I confess I'm at a loss for words.
<Deep 13>
Frank: Dr. Forrester, do you want your teddy bear?
Dr F: Yes, thank you, Frank. Oh, and would you push the button?
<Frank pushes the button. Zap to black.>
ZZZZZIIIIINNNNNGGGG!!!!!
Frank: Ooooh, that's so nice.
Of course, all standard disclaimers apply. This MiSTing is purely for
purposes of entertainment, and neither an assault on the copyrights
of Best Brains nor of Paramount. Nor is this MiSTing a direct personal attack
on Stephen Ratliff, the author of "Enterprized." Any disparaging comments made
in this posting about Mr. Ratliff, including but not limited to his
writing ability, knowledge of spelling and grammar, and his personal hygiene
are not intended to be insulting in the slightest. This is all in good,
clean fun.
>"Seal all connecting cooridors and turbolifts, Mr Data."
> "All Turbolifts cleat," Data said.
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