Cadet Cruise
[Open on the Satellite of Love. The lighting is darkened a bit and for
some inexplicable reason there's a piano off to the side, and various
mugs and glasses and pizza boxes on the table. Crow and Tom are leaning
against the piano; Crow has a mug of beer in one hand. In the back of
the room is a big poster-sized photograph of Michael O'Donoghue.]
TOM: I sang for you... don't I get a Least Loved Bedtime Story?
CROW: No, you don't.
TOM: What? But... why, Mr. Mike?
CROW: Because you sang bad, kid.
TOM: [suddenly blubbering] Oh, God, I'm going to miss that man! Why did
he have to die?
CROW: [also blubbering] Why couldn't they have taken me in-stea-a-a-a-d!...
[Enter Mike. He's wearing a jet black jumpsuit and a black top hat.]
MIKE: Hi everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. News is a bit slow
up here... we just got the report about Michael O'Donoghue's
death. Y'know, "Mr. Mike" on Saturday Night Live, writer during
the show's golden age, the whole deal. While Voltaire and P. G.
Wodehouse deserve mentioning, Michael O'Donoghue is regarded by
many as godfather of the bitingly sarcastic remark.
TOM: Death be not proud, for you have taken from us a great man! [con-
tinues blubbering]
MIKE: Come on, you two. We have to do our bit here. Anyway, Mr. O'Dono-
ghue was something of an inspiration to us all and we wanted to do
a little something... You guys ready?
TOM and CROW: [calming down] We're ready.
GYPSY: [entering] Ready! Live, 1994 prime-time season, with nine-inch
knitting needles jammed into their eyes.
[All bow their heads for a moment, then:]
TOM: AAAAAAUGH!
CROW: AAAAH! AAAAGH! AAAAGH!
GYPSY: AAAAIEEE!!!
MIKE: AAAAUGH! AAAAH!!
[Rushing around, absolute chaos and screams, ending with everyone col-
lapsed behind the desk. Commercial Sign flashes, and Mike's hand reaches
up weakly to press it.]
[Looking for MST3K: The Movie trailers? Surely you jest. It took us here
at Comedy Central three years to kill off this show, and we're not going
to start promoting it now!]
[SOL. All 'bots are here and Mike is back in his normal green jumpsuit.]
MIKE: Good job, you guys. You really got into your characters.
TOM: I think I portrayed Adam Sandler brilliantly.
CROW: I have dibs on Kevin Nealon.
[The Mads' light starts flashing.]
GYPSY: Oh, look, Shasti and Dierdre are calling.
MIKE: What's happening, sirs?
[Cut to Deep 13. Dr. Clayton Forrester is there, looking vaguely ner-
vous. The place is rather more nicely cleaned up than usual, and there
is no sign of Frank anywhere.]
DR. F: Hello, Kevin Sleet. I'm afraid we're going to have to skip the
pleasantries and the invention exchange today...
[SOL Bridge. Mike is holding up a big ugly piece of machinery with se-
veral large playing cards attached to various components.]
MIKE: But what about my five-speed dual-overhead-cam pinochle deck?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: You'll just have to save it for next time, because... [in a theat-
rical whisper] I'm being audited! [normal voice] Ever since the
Gizmonic Institute and I-- uh-- went our seperate ways, I've been
getting funding under a grant from the American Association for
the Advancement of Mad Science. They're rather more strict than
Gizmonics was, I'm afraid... so for the good of the many it's go-
ing to be necessary to, ah, sweep a few things under the rug, as
it were.
[SOL Bridge]
CROW: [suspiciously] Where's Frank?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [unconvincingly] Oh, around.
[There is a loud hollow thump on the wall.]
FRANK (offscreen): Doctor, how long do I have to stay in the reactor
core? My hair's falling out in *clumps* now!
DR. F: *Quiet*, Frank, or I'll take away your dental coverage.
FRANK: I'll be quiet.
DR. F: As I was saying... for a number of very good reasons I don't
think the AAAMS needs to know about our little movie project.
They get so antsy when you don't spend *every penny* of a grant
*exactly* the way you're supposed to.
[SOL Bridge]
TOM: Let me get this straight-- you've been embezzling money to keep
the Satellite of Love in operation?
CROW: Money that was given to you in the name of advancing pure science? For shame!
MIKE: Yeah, that's pretty low, even for you, Dr. Forrester.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Oh, "embezzlement" is such a loaded term! I prefer to think of it
as... redistribution of wealth. Ah-heh.
[The doorbell chimes.]
DR. F: Oh, dear. The auditor's here. Now remember kiddies, not a word to
let the auditor know you're around. But I wouldn't want you to be
bored-- and making trouble-- so just to keep you busy, I'm sending
you "Cadet Cruise", the latest toxic spill by Stephen Ratliff--
[SOL Bridge]
ALL: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!
CROW: I'd rather have the knitting needles!
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [affecting surprise] Oh, you *are* familiar with his work, aren't
you? Well, this sequel lives down to its predecessors.
[The doorbell chimes again.]
DR. F: [hastily] Eat Ratliff, Adam Warren. [He pushes the button and then
hurries to the huge hatchway at the back of the set.] Coming!
[He spins the handle and opens the hatchway.]
DR. F: [at his most ingratiating] Ahh, Doctor... Emily... Crichton!
Isn't it? Please, do come in!
[Enter Doctor Emily Crichton (who bears a striking resemblance to Nu-
veena), a tall black-haired woman carrying a clipboard. She's wearing a
lime green lab coat with tie-dye stylings that make it look much cooler
than Dr. Forrester's. On the chest of the coat is a Deep 13-style patch
that says AAAMS - AUDITING DIVISION below a little icon of a dollar sign
with wings.]
DR. F: Sorry about the delay-- those Nobel people will talk your ear off.
DR. C: [clearly uninterested] Can it, Forrester. You may as well know
this is a formality. The Association has already decided to boot
your sorry ass out. But since I'm here, you may as well start the
tour and show me what you wasted all that grant money on.
DR. F: Ah... oh, dear.
[SOL Bridge. Alarms, buzzers, et cetera go off...]
MIKE: We've got fanfic siiiiiiign!
*...6...5...4...3...2...o...
[Our Heroes enter the theater and sit down...]
CROW: I can't help but think that I'm paying off karma at a vastly ac-
celerated rate.
> From jfy@cis.ksu.edu Fri Jul 1 13:27:49 EDT 1994
> Article: 9390 of alt.startrek.creative
> Path: news1.digex.net!news.intercon.com!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen
MIKE: One of Santa's reindeer brought this post?
CROW: Yeah-- you must have been a really bad boy this year!
> .cso.uiuc.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!cis.ksu.edu!jfy
MIKE: I wonder what kind of anal-retentive control freak actually reads
all those "path" things.
TOM: ...ksu.edu!jfy-- Did you say something, Mike?
MIKE: Never mind.
> From: jfy@cis.ksu.edu (Joseph F. Young)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
TOM: Jumbo shrimp.
CROW: Military intelligence.
> Subject: AUTOPOST: CadetCruise.zip (part 01/01)
TOM: I see the file name follows the "title-dot-value" format.
> Followup-To: alt.startrek.creative
> Date: 30 Jun 1994 05:30:11 GMT
> Organization: Kansas State University, Dept. of Computing and
> Information Sciences
> Lines: 667
CROW: Ratliff: The Neighbor Of The Beast.
> Distribution: world
> Message-ID: <jfy.772954210@depot.cis.ksu.edu.cis.ksu.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: depot.cis.ksu.edu
> Summary: Automated posting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative
> archive
MIKE: That should require a go-code from the President or something.
> This is an automated reposting of fiction from the
> alt.startrek.creative archives.
TOM: [mechanically] You have already heard our demands. You will bow
down to us in time.
> This is archive file: story/tng/Stephen_Ratliff/CadetCruise.zip
> Any comments, questions, etc. about the archives may be
> addressed to jfy@cis.ksu.edu.
> =====================================CUT HERE=========================
> Exploding: CadetCruise
CROW: [announcer voice] Oh, the humanity!
> >From sratliff@rucs2 Thu Apr 21 15:49:09 1994
> Status: RO
> X-VM-v5-Data:
MIKE: So Data's serial number is X-VM-v5?
CROW: Well, you're enough of a fanboy to know...
MIKE: I am not! I just watch it sometimes.
> ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil]
TOM: Yeah, we _wish_ this file was nil.
MIKE: Nil and void?
CROW: Yeah, like the plot....
> ["32765" "Thu" "21" "April" "1994" "16:48:36" "-0400"
> "sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu" "sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu"
> nil "632" "Submission to archive: Cadet Cruise" "^From:" nil nil "4" nil
> "Submission to archive: Cadet Cruise" nil nil] nil)
MIKE: This sounds like a self-destruct code.
TOM: Wishful thinking is only going to make it worse.
> Return-Path: <sratliff@rucs2>
> Received: from rucs2 by depot.cis.ksu.edu SMTP (8.6.7)
> id PAA14816; Thu, 21 Apr 1994 15:48:46 -0500
> Received: from triton.cs.runet.edu (triton.sunlab.cs.runet.edu) by
> rucs2
> (4.1/SMI-4.1)
> id AA03566; Thu, 21 Apr 94 16:48:38 EDT
> Message-Id: <9404212048.AA03566@rucs2>
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-Type:
ALL: It stinks!
> text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
> Content-Length: 32765
> From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
TOM: Hey, check it out... "rue-net!"
CROW: Yeah, they're ruing the day they gave Ratliff his account.
> To: jfy@cis.ksu.edu
> Subject: Submission to archive: Cadet Cruise
TOM: So what is a Cadet Cruise, anyway?
CROW: It's a Carnival Cruise staffed by Tom Cruise wannabees.
> Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 16:48:36 -0400 (EDT)
>
> Mr. Young
> This is my thrid
TOM: I don't think I'm gonna make it through this one...
> startrek story. The others reached you via the
> regular channels.
CROW: Wrapped around a brick and thrown through your window.
> However, it appears that outgoing posts are not being
> sent out of Radford University.
TOM: [numbly] Those Radford computers again! They stand, like Horatius
at the bridge, defending the Net from Ratliff, bloodied yet
unbowed... [dissolves into tears]
> As the semester is nearing its end I
> am sending you the story to place int the archives.
>
> Sincerely
>
> Stephen B. Ratliff
>
> Star Trek ________
> The Next Generation ___---'--------`--..____
> ,-------------------.============================-
> (__________________<|_) `--.._______..--'
> | | ___,--' - _ /
> ,--' `--'Cadet | by Stephen Ratliff
> ~~~~~~~`-._ Cruise |
> `-.______,-' SECTION 1
MIKE: Oh, Lord love a duck, he's even got weenie ASCII to go with it.
CROW: Well, it's nice and all, but I think these computer-generated ef-
fects still have a way to go before they look as good as models do.
TOM: I bet it's misspelled somehow.
> Prologue
> ~~~~~~~~
TOM: The past is prologue.
> Captain Picard and his daughter were packing to return to the Enterprise.
CROW: Great, we're trapped in Ratliff's continuity again.
MIKE: You mean DIS-continuity, Crow.
TOM: [as Bela Lugosi] Dis is Dis.
> It had been a nice vacation at the Picard family vineyard in Lavar,
CROW: Burton
> France. But now it was time to leave.
MIKE: [overdone French accent] Get out, you stupid pseudo-French Bri-
tish actor type person! And take EuroDisney with you... stupid
American fanfic... Jerry Lewis writes better fanfics...
TOM: So we say goodbye to the sunny vineyards of the Picard family and
board our ship, our destination unknown!
> "How many T-shirts did you get in town this month?" Captain
> Jean-Luc Picard asked.
> "Four,"
MIKE: [Picard voice] THERE... ARE... FOUR... SHIRTS!
> Marrissa said, displaying them as she packed.
TOM: [falsetto] See, this one's from Danzig's last tour and I've got a
Megadeth and a Ministry and a Nine Inch Nails shirt Trent Reznor
sweated on!
> The first was a white one with the french flag
MIKE: [overdone French accent] That's capital "F" in French, you un-
couth American pig-dog!
> and the Effail Tower on it.
CROW: Effail to see the point of that.
TOM: Apparently Gustave Eiffel was a victim of revisionism sometime be-
tween now and the 23rd century.
> The second one was colored like the Starfleet Command Branch Uniform with
> the Words Future Starship Captain
MIKE: Probably in the next installment.
> across the back and front. The thrid
TOM: ThIRd! ThIRd! My God, man, you're in COLLEGE!!
MIKE: Easy, Tom....
> was a white one with Golden Gate Bridge on it.
CROW: [sings] I left my Webster's in San Francisco...
MIKE: Apparently the Golden Gate Bridge was also victim of revisionism
sometime between now and the 23rd century.
> The last was black with Captain Picard's picture cir. StarDate 42000 and
> the sky line of the small village of Lavar
TOM: Yeah, a _really distinctive_ skyline that is, too!
> and the words I visited Lavar,France,Earth home of Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
MIKE: "And all I got was this lousy T-Shirt."
CROW: That isn't a run-on sentence, that's a marathon sentence!
> "Where did you get that one?" Captain Picard said with distaste.
TOM: At a Creation Con. They were selling them right next to the "Star
Trek: Voyager" rectal suppositories.
[MIKE and CROW audibly wince.]
> "The shop next to the Catholic Church," Marrissa Picard said
CROW: [announcer voice] Star Trek admits the existence of religion in
the future. Subspace at 11.
> "I'll be having a word with Phillipe before I leave," the Captain said.
TOM: [Picard] Hey, Phillipe, where's my ten percent?
> "That shirt needs to be sent to file 13."
CROW: You mean Deep 13.
MIKE: No, he wants to deep-six it.
TOM: No, that's the file where they hide all the continuity errors.
CROW: Yeah, it's in between the "cheap plot devices" file and the "deus
ex machina" box.
> Marie Picard poked her head into the room.
MIKE: ...on a long pike, dripping blood!
'BOTS: Eww.
> "Starfleet Command
> called," Marie said. "they want you to call them as soon as possible."
MIKE: And they said your answering machine message wasn't funny, either.
CROW: [Picard] Damn that Wacky Messages tape. Ah, well, two bucks
down the drain.
TOM: [singing] Nobody's home! Nobody's hooooooome...
> Captain Picard entered the shuttle he had brought with him
TOM: Jeez, the way he phrased that it sounds like the shuttle was
in Picard's luggage.
> on the front lawn.
MIKE: Clearly he's been carrying the front lawn around with him too.
CROW: Wait a minute, Picard's been grabbing a Starfleet shuttle for his
own personal use? Isn't that what they nailed John Sununu for?
> He activated a screen and weaved he way though Starfleet bureaucrats
TOM: Using Quail Man's quail-like skills of bobbing and weaving.
MIKE: Picard dodges a red tape tangle, slips past a committee, and
SCORES!
> intil the person who wanted to contact him, Admiral Theresa McGuire, was reached.
> "Captain Picard your orders have been changed," McGuire said.
CROW: [sultry voice] You are to report to my cottage on the Riviera,
and ditch the kid..
> "You will be commanding a 2 week Cadet Cruise on the Maine starting stardate 45600."
MIKE: Oh, great, two weeks on a ship full of Wesley Crushers!
CROW: After the first ten minutes he'll be begging Malcolm McDowell to kill him.
TOM: May I remind you that we must suffer this cruise of the damned as well.
CROW: Ah... Okay, WE'LL be begging Malcolm McDowell to kill us.
> "Why the sudden change?" Captain Picard asked.
> "Szustakowski of the Roanoke was to do it but he is dead,"
MIKE: Yeah, I guess that would change things.
TOM: Oh, Starfleet is *really* on top of things. They only just found this out?
CROW: [falsetto] Well, he was just *sitting* there and not responding
to a *word* I was saying and two days later when he started to
smell bad I just knew *something* was wrong...
> Admiral McGuire said. "All of the other people who chould do it are
> otherwised engaged in the Cardassian War. And since the Enterprise
> will not be finshed with its upgrade/repairs you are the only Captain available."
MIKE: I don't know about you two, but my bogometer just pegged.
CROW: It took this long?
> "Inform the Maine I and my daugher will be aboard at 1200 hours tommarrow.
TOM: This is going to be a bad one, I can feel it in my bones.
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard out."
CROW: Meanwhile, in another part of the fanfic...
> The Romulan procouncil was debating with Sela over her planned attack.
TOM: [Picard] Will you please get off this comm channel? I'm not done
talking with Admiral McGuire.
> "With the Cardassian war going on the Federation Fleet is
> streached out," Sela said. "I could break though to Vulcan with just
> the three ships I own."
MIKE: She owns the ships? She must be loaded!
CROW: Actually, I hear there's still a pretty big mortgage on the flagship...
> "The Federation fleet has not withdrawn border patrol,"
MIKE: And why should they? It's a perfectly good album.
TOM: But we asked them so *nicely* to leave the border unguarded...
> The Procoucil responed.
> "The Chicago, The Stargazer, The Philladephia, it's not a patrol
CROW: ...it's an adventure!
> its a laughing stock," Sela replied.
MIKE & TOM: [dully] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
CROW: Much like a certain Mr. Ratliff and this fanfic.
> "Your plan does have merits," the Procoucil said after a pause.
> "You may proceed. But I am assigning The Bloodfire and Deathwing to your fleet."
TOM: [as "Procoucil"] Along with the Paper Cut, the Pinprick and the
Stubbed Toe.
MIKE: [as Sela] Those aren't very threatening names.
TOM: Well, they're not very threatening ships. Designing warbirds to
look like sunflowers-- what were we thinking?!
> "Thank you," Sela said and walked out of the office
> Immedaitely after the meeting she went home to the Starburst.
TOM: [singing] The juice is loose!
CROW: But isn't O.J. Simpson in jail?
TOM: Dammit, Crow...
MIKE: Just so you guys know, one more O.J. joke and we hit quota.
> Everyone at Romulan Space Command assumed this was to check on her
> 2 month old triplets.
CROW: Same old story-- can't find decent day care anywhere.
> However, this visit had more to do with talking to her babies 'Nanny'.
MIKE: [as Sela] Hello, Nanny Morden. How are the kids?
CROW: [as Morden] What do you want?
MIKE: To see you and the kids.
>
CROW: But what do you want?
MIKE: I just wanted to see you and the kids.
CROW: But what do you want?
MIKE: Look, I just wanted to talk to you and see the kids...
> "The plan is working," Sela began. "but the procoucil assigned
> the Bloodfire and Deathwing to our fleet."
CROW: But what do you want?
TOM: I want you two to shut up!
MIKE: Yes, Tom, but what do you WANT?
TOM: AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHH!!!!!!!
> "Don't worry the plan will suceed," the Nanny replied.
MIKE: No matter how many stupid contrivances it takes.
CROW: [evilly] No one has ever defied the Republican Party and lived!
> ^L
TOM: Even Ratliff's control-L's are lame.
> Chapter One
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
[All sigh hopelessly.]
> Shuttle Garrett
CROW: Morris?
> approaching USS Maine
> An Ambassidor Class Starship
TOM: You sure you don't mean an "Embassador-Class Starship"?
MIKE: Feel free to write coherent sentences any time now...
> "May I take her in?" Marrissa asked.
> "You aren't a certified pilot," Captain Jean-Luc Picard said.
TOM: Warning! An undetonated plot device has just been discovered!
Please calmly but quickly evacuate the area!
> "Check the shuttle's log," Marrissa said. "Data certified me
> on STARDATE 47477."
CROW: [Marrissa] Just after I learned how to reprogram him.
> "Then take the helm Marrissa,"
MIKE: That's our Captain Picard-- all the consistency of Jello and
*twice* the backbone.
> Captain Picard said. "Shuttle Garrett to USS Maine."
> Doctor Crushers voice came over the intercom, "Shuttle Garrett
> this is the Maine. Go ahead Garrett."
TOM: I'm a doctor, not a flight control officer!
> "Garrett to Maine," Picard said. "Requesting clearance to land
CROW: Preferably about twenty kilometers worth of clearance!
> with Captain."
> "Land in the aft shuttlebay," The doctor replied. "I'll meet
> you there, Jean-Luc. Maine out."
TOM: [elderly voice] Remember the _Maine_!
> "Plot a course to the aft shuttlebay, Marrissa," the Captain said.
MIKE: [as Marissa] Can't I just steer towards it? It's right over there!
> "Scenic or Normal?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [mechanically] One or Two Players?
TOM: Normal! NORMAL! For the love of God, NORMAL!!
> "Data gave you a rating of Excellent
CROW: [singsong] But not in piloting...
MIKE: [aghast] Crow!
> so lets take the scenic route," Picard said.
TOM: Let me see every detail of my impending fiery death.
> The shuttle traveled along the underside of the saucer of the Maine.
MIKE: Whose guns suddenly flared to life and fried the puny shuttle.
CROW: Yeah, dream on.
TOM: [yawning] Wake me up when we get there, Mike. [He slumps down onto
Mike's left shoulder.]
> It neared the Warp Engines and cross behind the dorsal connecting
> the saucer section to the stardrive.
CROW: [yawning] Yeah, ditto, Mike.
[He slumps down onto Mike's right shoulder.]
MIKE: Why do I feel like that guy in _Jurassic Park_?
> The shuttle then drove under the starboard Warp Engine and circled the pilon
> until it came in line with the aft shuttlebay.
[Mike glances back and forth, and then yells out...]
MIKE: My God! I can't believe they did that!
CROW: [waking suddenly] Huh?
TOM: [waking suddenly] Wha?
MIKE: The shuttle hit the back of the Maine and blew up! It was awful!
Oh, the humanity!
CROW: [apoplectic] What?! Marrissa died and we *missed* it?
TOM: You didn't wake us up for it?
> While it was doing this Marrissa kept the window facing the most of ship she chould.
CROW: Wha-- _hey_!!
MIKE: [chuckling] Psych.
TOM: [huffy] I can never trust you again.
> The shuttle easied into the bay and landed so smoothly that Captain Picard
> asked when she planned to touch down 30 seconds after she had.
CROW: But then, Captain Picard's getting old, and doesn't notice as much
as he used to...
> Doctor Crusher and Westley Crusher were waiting for them when
> they exited the shuttle. "Welcome aboard Captain," Wesley said.
TOM: Okay. Welcome, Mr. Board! My, what a sturdy piece of lumber you are...
> "Enjoy your vacation Jean-Luc," Doctor Crusher said.
CROW: [as Picard] Okay, I will. Bye!
> "Very much so Beverly," Jean-Luc replied.
TOM: [with Sarcasm Sequencer at full power] I simply *love* being locked
up in a small room with this obnoxious little smartass dickweed...
MIKE: Calm down, Tom.
> "Did you pilot that shuttle in Captain?" Westly asked.
CROW: No, it was an old football buddy of mine. I was on the phone hol-
ding a gun to my head...
MIKE: Quota.
CROW: Okay, okay.
> "The whole bridge crew was on edge when it went under the Warp Engine."
MIKE: [matter-of-factly] Yeah, they couldn't get a clear shot at it.
> "No Marrissa piloted it in," Captain Picard stated.
> "You have got to be kidding." Westly replied.
CROW: I'm supposed to be the insufferable kid genius around here!
> "Am I kidding Marrissa?" the Captain asked.
> "No" Marrissa replied.
CROW & MIKE: [muted trumpet sound] WAH Wah wah....
TOM: Oh, that settles it. The *great* Marrissa Picard has spoken.
> "I've got some bad news for you Captain," Dr Crusher said.
MIKE: We've searched and searched, but there's no way out of this fan-
fic. We're going to have to go through with it until the end.
> "We are the only commissioned Star Fleet Officers aboard."
> "You mean that Starfleet gave me a ship with 750 cadets on board
> ," Captain Picard said," and only 2 Starfleet officers and told us to
> review them in 14 days."
CROW: And you have 29 Stardates to destroy 14 Klingon vessels.
MIKE: That Starfleet! What a bunch of kidders!
> "Apparently son,"
CROW: [as Wesley] Breasts! Uh-- oh-- what?
> Doctor crusher said. "One things for certain
> I'm not crawling though jefferies tubes replacing currcuits and evading security."
TOM: [snooty voice] Oooh! Are we too good for that sort of work?
> "Sounds like fun," Marrissa said.
> "Then the job's yours," Captain Picard responded.
MIKE: [falsetto] Cool! Can I clean out the methane toilets, too? Can I?
Can I? Can I?
> The Neutral Zone
> STARDATE 47603
> USS Chicago
CROW: Hey, they finally released Chicago!
> "5 Romulan Warbird
TOM: Isn't that a rap group?
> decloaking," the Tactical Officer said.
MIKE: Does this Tactical Officer have a name?
TOM: I would guess her name is... Lieutenant Deadmeat.
> "Hail them," Captain Sam Morgan said. "Notify the Border Partol,
> Requesting assistance, raise shieds, and go to RED ALERT."
CROW: [Morgan] This spelling is just out of hand!
> "The refuse to answer," the officer responed.
TOM: Well! How rude!
CROW: Yeah, but what about the refuse to answer?
> First two then all five fired on the Chicago. The Chicago
> resisted bravely but was destroyed.
MIKE: Doesn't Ratliff have a way with battle scenes?
CROW: Yep-- pulse-pounding, nail-biting, ACTION!
TOM: Yup. Lieutenant Deadmeat it is.
> ^L
MIKE: No one will be admitted during the chilling Line Feed segment.
> Chapter Two
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> Captain Picard arrived on the bridge. "Captain on the
> bridge,"
CROW: ...announced Ensign Redundancy.
> the tactical offficer said as everyone snapped to attention.
MIKE: Wait a minute, the Tactical Officer's not dead after all! There
she is, on the bridge of the Maine!
TOM: Wow! What a miraculous escape!
[All applaud]
> "Status, Helm," Picard asked.
> "Coarse 128 mark 8 warp 3," Cadet Szustakowski said.
CROW: Isn't Szustakowski the one who...
MIKE: Well, if they're ever attacked the pirates of Penzance, they'll
come through fine.
> "Engineering," Picard contined
> "All systems functioning normally," Cadet Crushers voice
> filtered up from Engineering.
TOM: We're using the machine that goes PING!
> "Tactical," Picard inquired.
> "All weapons available with a seconds notice," Cadet Ross Lochard replied.
MIKE: Dear Sir: This is your second notice. The weapons you ordered are
available for pickup in the Sheboygan warehouse.
> "Ship is secure ... no wait power to security systems
> is out on decks 3,4,and 5 as are lights on 3,4,5,6,and 7."
> "Ask security to apprehend the person responsable," Captain Picard said.
CROW: All right! We get to play LAPD tonight!
> "However, phaser usage is forbidden."
TOM: We prefer cattle prods and rubber truncheons.
> Marrissa Picard was having the time of her life. Setting traps,
> evading security, hiding in cargobays while security passed by;
CROW: Decompressing whole sections at random...
TOM: Flushing overloading phasers down the johns...
MIKE: Helping Cadet Ratliff with his fanfics...
> this excerise was a kid's dream. She settled down in a crew longue and
> picked up a copy of Nancy Drew and the Cumbling Wall.
TOM: Ah, a selection from the Book of the Month Club.
CROW: [English accent] Oh, you get this, _Les Miserables_, _The French
Lieutenant's Woman_, and a hundredweight of fresh dung.
> When Security Cadets Tanner, Gladstone, and Henderson stopped by
MIKE: Hello...
CROW: Hello...
TOM: Hello...
ALL: HELLO!
> looking for the security breach she was deeply into the book and it took awhile for
> them to get her attention
MIKE: Psst! Joat!
TOM: [as hick sheriff] She paying attention yet?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: OK, empty another clip into her, boys.
> "Did you see any one go by in the last 5 minutes?" Cadet Gladstone asked.
MIKE: Yes, now that you mention it, there was this mysterious one-armed man...
> "A red-haired woman in a lab coat pasted by hear a minute ago,"
CROW: But then she got stuck in traffic.
> Marrissa replied. "She went toward Engineering. If you hurry you might catch her."
TOM: Red-haired woman... heading for Engineering... oh no, Kei and Yuri
are on this ship! Run for your lives!
> The three bolted to the door. Marrissa meanwhile visited a
> near-by transporter room to insert some curcuits.
MIKE: Crewcuts?
TOM: Oww! Oww! Stop it! My head won't fit in there.
> Half-way to Engineering, Cadet Gladstone decided that he better report in,"
> Gladstone to Bridge." Gladstone was enveloped by a transporter beam and
> disappeared.
MIKE: He was kidnapped by aliens!
CROW: They've probably locked him in a room with John_-_Winston!
> Cadet Tanner decided she better report this problem to the
> bridge and she suffer the same fate.
TOM: Big light come, take her to sky!
MIKE: Jeez, the aliens are having a field day today.
CROW: Yeah, you'd think snatching Elvis' brain was enough, but nooooo...
> Meanwhile Cadet Gladstone had appeared in the brig. However
> he was missing some items, namely a uniform and a communacator.
MIKE: Ooo, awkward moment there.
TOM: I smell another "Banned From Argo" parody.
> Moments later Cadet Tanner joined him.
CROW: Woo hoo! Parrrrty!
> Of Coarse Cadet Henderson was not as stupid
MIKE: Coarse Cadet?
TOM: Think she's made of pumice?
CROW: Nah, soapstone. The crew uses her to scrape off unsightly calluses.
> and took a turbolift to the bridge. Via Sickbay, Engineeering,
TOM: I think you mean EnginIEEEring.
> the Computer core, and the botanical gardens.
CROW: ["Minnewegian" accent] Oh, look, the botanical gardens.
TOM: [ditto] Oh, I hear they have the loveliest Antarean death daisies...
> Cadet Henderson arrived on the bridge.
MIKE: Er, if the turbolifts were reprogrammed, why did Henderson ever
get to the bridge?
CROW: He crawled through one of the holes in the plot.
TOM: Crawl, nothing. People could walk through the holes in this plot
twelve abreast.
> Cadet Lochard had been left in command earlier. Henderson addressed Cadet Lochard," Sir,
> Cadets Tanner and Gladstone disappeared in a transporter beam when
> they tried to report in."
MIKE: Cadets Mulder and Scully are investigating the disappearances.
> "Computer location of Cadets Tanner and Gladstone?" Ross inquired.
> "Cadets Tanner and Gladston are on the Bridge," the Computer
> replied as the uniforms and communicators of the said cadet
CROW: "The said cadet"? Is Ratliff in pre-law?
MIKE: Now there's a frightening thought....
> appearred in front of Ross Lochard's feet.
TOM: Wow! Instant clothing delivery.
MIKE: Well, that's one of the benefits of living in a perfect universe.
> Shortly after the Uniforms appeared
CROW: ...a millenium or so...
> Ross got up to examine them. He was rewarded by two liters of a clear
> red liquid dropping on his head.
CROW: Which caused him to collapse, screaming in agony, and dissolve
into a puddle of goo.
MIKE: Gee, your sense of humor is getting dark....
CROW: Ratliff has that effect on people.
> Just then Captain Picard walked in. "Captain premission to take
> the transporters off line," Ross asked.
> "Premission Granted," Captain Picard said. Then looking at
> Lochard's soaked uniform and wet hair he said, "you may also have a
> break to clean that strawberry juice
CROW: Why, it's Picard's Own Strawberry Juice, the official strawberry
juice of Starfleet!
MIKE: Now, get over here and rub your head against my toast.
> from your hair and uniform."
> Tasting the liquid for the first time
TOM: Mmm, AB negative!
> Ross asked," How did you know it was strawberry juice?"
MIKE: Ratliff told me.
> "Lucky guess," Captain Picard said. To Cadet Henderson who releaved Lochard
CROW: So Lochard's species needs regular doses of yeast, then.
> at tactical he ordered," Send someone to release the Cadets from the Brig."
TOM: [singing] Please release me, let me go...
MIKE: Hey, it's Ensign Henderson from seaQuest DSV!
>
MIKE: Not that I ever watch that show, of course.
> Five minutes later Cadet Lochard was returning from cleaning up.
> On the way back in the turbolift stopped to pick up another passenger.
TOM: Wesley Snipes *is* Passenger 57.
> A blond haired 12 year old girl entered the turbolift and said, "Bridge."
> "Children are not allowed on the bridge," Ross said.
CROW: Hey, now I recognize him. It's Ross from "Catching Trouble"!
TOM: [humming] Catching Trouble, yes indeed...
> "I happen to be an exception," the girl replied.
CROW: I'm a main character, so bite me.
> "Their are NONE."
MIKE: Are you calling Duane Barry a liar?
> "What was your grade in REG 220?"
> "C- but ...
> "Then I don't think you are the one to tell ME what to do, Cadet Lochard."
> Lochard was about continue when they arrived on the Bridge.
> The Girl walked out boldly to the Captain. Lockhard had barely exited the
> turbolift when she spoke to the Captain,
CROW: ...having just had the world's fastest sex change...
> "Cadet Lochard seems to need to know regulations 23-4 and 214-2."
MIKE: You mean the ones about washing your hands after you leave the
bathroom?
> Szustakowski, would you care to inform Cadet Lochard of those
> regulations," Captain Picard ordered.
CROW: [falsetto] No, I would not care.
TOM: "Like We Care", on MTV.
> "Please list those personal aboard the Maine who wrote it."
> "Regulation 23 section 4," Cadet Szustakowski said,
CROW: Trained Starfleet officers shall at all times defer to obnoxious
kid geniuses.
> "Commanding Officers of other Starships have the right to be on the bridge of the
> ship they are traveling during normal conditions.
MIKE: So, Starfleet has to regulate the obvious...
CROW: Well, brain death is a requirement in Starfleet.
> Regulation 214
> section
> 2,
TOM: Trained Starfleet officers shall make as many stupid mistakes as
neccesary to make said obnoxious kid geniuses look superior.
> The Cadet at the helm tried to hold in a giggle. "Cadet
> The Captain of a Kids crew will have all the rights and privledges
> of a Commanding Officer visisting a starship."
CROW: Including free booze!
TOM: Apparantly they have to regulate stupidity as well.
> "Marrissa is Captain of my Kid's crew," Captain Picard said.
> "Now Marrissa is the Space Cadet Helm simulation set up?"
> "Yes, Captain," Marrissa said. "However Cadet Sowers will be
> unable to particapate."
MIKE: She's had a little... accident. I'm afraid she'll never be in a
training exercise again, Daddy.
> "You will take her place," Captain Picard said.
CROW: Just against the wall in front of those chain guns...
> The Neutral Zone
> StarDate 47603
> USS Phoenix
MIKE: Something tells me that this Phoenix won't be rising from the ashes.
> "Request for assistance from the USS Chicago," Lieutenant Johnson
> said from tactical. "They are under attack by five Romulan Warbirds."
> "Acknowedge the signal, Go to RED ALERT," Captain George Grant
> said. "Lay in a coarse for the Chicago, Maximum Warp."
> "Starfleet Regulation 213 prohibits travel over warp 5," the
> Computer said.
TOM: What kind of weird mama-jama regulation is this?
MIKE: Obviously Starfleet had to reduce the speed limit to Warp 5, or
they'd lose their federal highway money.
CROW: Jeez, I guess the regulations also penalize crew for missing nap time...
> "Override under section 4 of Regulation 213," Captain Grant
> said. "Athorization Grant Alpha One Zero Three."
> "Does the first Officer concure?"
TOM: [disgusted] Oh, I don't believe this.
MIKE: I suppose you need authorization in triplicate from three admirals
to tie your shoes, too!
> "Yes authorization Chase Beta Two Four Gamma."
TOM: [marveling] All this, just to go into second gear.
CROW: Makes you wonder what you have to do to flush the toilet.
MIKE: Or to get a fresh roll of paper.
> "Captain the Pittsburgh is reponding as well," Johnson said.
> "Nearing Battle coordinates," The helmsman said.
> "Take us out of warp," Grant replied.
TOM: [mocking computer voice] Starfleet Regulation 666 prohibits leaving
warp in a battle zone or in a construction area.
> The Chicago exploded in a brillant white flash,
CROW: Didn't that happen already?
MIKE: Hey, it was the ship so nice, they destroyed it twice.
CROW: That's the "New York."
MIKE: Oh.
> but the Pheonix's crew had no time to mourn. They were to busy triying to
TOM: Collect on the insurance claims.
CROW: Hey, the whole crew named Luigi Vercotti as their beneficiary!
> prevent that from happening to them. Meanwhile the Pittsburgh
> arrived, phasers firing. However, The Romulans were ready and the
> Pittsburgh flashed out of exsistance as 25 torpedoes impacted it.
CROW: Another riveting Ratliffian battle scene.
TOM: Starfleet Regulation 3.1416 prohibits being struck by more than ten
torpedoes at once.
MIKE: I guess "overkill" isn't in the Romulan vocabulary.
CROW: 25 torpedoes? That's nothing. The Yamato could take much more punishment.
> "Captain the Philladephia and the Brittain are on their way,"
> an ensign informed the Captain.
MIKE: So are the Harrisburg, the Erie and the Norristown. The whole
state of Pennsylvania's going to be here!
CROW: Starfleet Regulation 13 1/3 prohibits informing the captain of
anything under any circumstances.
TOM: Hey, the Reagan Rule!
> 'We are going to need them,' Grant thought.
CROW: Starfleet Regulation 42 prohibits thinking that you're going to need them.
MIKE: Okay, I think you two have beaten that into the ground.
> ^L
TOM: Starfleet Regulation 0.001 prohibits line feeds.
MIKE: Tom...
> Chapter Three
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The Neutral Zone
> USS Pheonix
>
> The Pheonix continued to pound the Romulans. A few minutes
> earlier the Philladelphia and the Brittain had arrived.
MIKE: What the...? Ratliff used a chapter break to show a few minutes passing?
TOM: Thomas Pynchon he ain't.
CROW: He isn't even Danielle Steele... er, not that I've ever read any
of her stuff. Heh.
> The Romulans consintraited on the weakest of the three, the Britain.
> "Captain the Brittain is lossing life support," Johnson said.
> "Are their shields up?" Grant said.
> "Port side only."
TOM: [as Mitchell] Port? You've got port? I'll have some with a vodka chaser...
> "Bring us up on the starbroard side and prepare to beam the crew off."
> "Captain the Warbirds have taken off," Johnson said as the transports began.
CROW: Yeah, take off, hoser.
TOM: We can't complete our Deus ex Machina, sir!
> "@#$%&***@" Grant responded.
MIKE: [singing] And I never use a big, big D!
'BOTS: [singing] What, never?
MIKE: No, never!
'BOTS: What, never?
MIKE: Well, hardly ever!
> Captain's Log STARDATE 47605.3
> StarFleet Cadet Training Vessel USS Maine
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording
CROW: Mulder, what is this thing you gave me? I ran it over a bar scan-
ner and it went crazy. It's as if someone was using this to cata-
logue... [crash] MULDER!!!
> We have just commpleted the Space Cadet Helm Training Exercise.
> The thrid place Cadet was Katherine Szustakowski.
TOM: She got a poke in the eye.
> Westly Crusher was second.
CROW: He got a boot to the head.
> And much to my and the rest of the Cadets Marrissa was First Place.
MIKE: She got a bullet in the temple.
CROW: Oh, a shot in the face, *thank* you very much.
> The Cadets are asking for a rematch.
TOM: [as cadet] And this time, she doesn't get to count her Care Bears
as crewmembers!
> "Incoming message from Starfleet Command, Department of
> Operations," Cadet Ross Lochard said."
> "On Screen," Captain Picard said. Admiral Theresa McGuire
> appeared on the viewscreen. Admiral McGuire believed in close ups so
> only her face was seen.
ALL: EXTREME CLOSEUP! Waaaaaaaaah!
TOM: [falsetto] I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeVille.
CROW: You know, I bet she's not wearing any pants.
> "Captain Picard," the Chief of Starfleet Operations began,
> "four hours ago five Romulan warbirds crossed the Neutral Zone. They
> destroyed the Chicago and Pittsburgh and disabled the Brittain, before
> disappearing. Since we beleive that they are somewhere in federation
> space, I am ordering you to Vulcan to protect it.
MIKE: Well, sure. Thousands of planets in Federation space, they *must*
be heading to Vulcan.
> You will be in command of all the forces their. The Excaliber-G
CROW: G Gundam?
MIKE: I don't think so...
> under Shelby will arrive in 20 hours. The Ambassidor class starships Oregan,
TOM: Isn't that dirty?
> Washington, and California will arrive with skeliton crews in 42 hours.
ALL: [singing] Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry-y-y-y-y bones...
> Admiral McGuire out."
> "If we are going to be in a potental battle zone it would be
> advisable to have a set command chain," Captain Picard said. "So Marrissa."
TOM: Oh, no...
CROW: Nononononono....
MIKE: Brace yourselves, guys...
> "Yes Dad," Marrissa replied.
> "As of this Stardate you are first officer of the Maine," Picard continued.
TOM: Aaaaaaagh!
CROW: Captain, my suspension of disbelief has taken a critical blow! The
walls around my sense of wonder are buckling!
MIKE: Hold on, man! We'll get you to a Bradshaw seminar as soon as pos-
sible! Hold on!
> "Ensign Crusher to the bridge."
> "Captain before you appoint any more people may I ask some
> questions of Cadet Lochard?" Marrissa requested.
> "Certainly, Number One."
TOM: Okay, wait a minute. Tell me again, who is Number One?
MIKE: [deeply] You are Number Six.
TOM: D'oh!
> "Cadet, who do you think was the person behind the security
> drill two days ago?" Marrissa Picard asked.
CROW: [as Lochard] Behind the drill... uh... the shop teacher?
> "You were," Ross replied. Looks of astonishment appeared around the room.
TOM: Oh, I don't think so...
MIKE: Even the potted plants knew she did it.
> "How did you decide that," Marrissa asked.
> "It had to be someone Captain Picard knew," Ross said.
> "Because Captain Picard would assign someone who he knew about.
CROW: Uh, your circular logic has a granny knot in it.
> That makes the suspects, in order of probablity, Dr Crusher, Westly Crusher, Marrissa
> Picard, and Kather Szustakowski. Dr Crusher had an albi.
MIKE: She was on the grassy knoll at the time.
> You IDed the liquid as Strawberry juice. You wouldn't know if Katherine liked
> strawberry juice. Westly likes Cherry juice better.
TOM: Ross *has* been around, hasn't he?
MIKE: He also serves as the ship's bartender.
CROW: Dude! Another Jaegermeister? You'd better give me the keys to your runabout.
> That leaves You."
CROW: [Sherlock Holmes voice] Elementary, my dear Ratliff.
TOM: Elementary-- Ratliff's language skill level.
> "I recommend Ross for security Cheif," Marrissa said.
> "Agreed," Picard said
CROW: Thinking gleefully that they'd be toast the moment he left.
> Westly Crusher entered the bridge. "Reporting as ordered sir."
MIKE: You know the fanfic's gotten pretty bad when Wesley Crusher is the
most sympathetic, non-irritating person in it.
> "Ensign Crusher, You are hearby appointed second offficer and
> chief enginer of the Maine," Captain Picard said. "Marrissa update him."
TOM: She's going to install the new version of Windows in his head!
> Sela's Warbird
> "Report," The nanny said.
> "We are on coarse to Vulcan as planned," Sela said. "We have
> recieved an encrypted message from Admiral McGuire for you."
> "Thank you."
CROW: Oh, for a megalomaniacal nanny it's so polite!
TOM: [nasally] Let's see now, a B is a B and a P is a P...
> ^L
> Chapter Four
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
CROW: Wait a minute. The encrypted message is another chapter of this fanfic!
[All boo]
> USS Maine, Starfleet Cadet Training ship
> 1600 hours, Beta shift,
> Marrissa Picard, first officer in command
>
> "5 subspace anomalies travel Warp 7 toward Vulcan detected,"
> Cadet Henderson said.
TOM: Big light. Go fast to sky. Great ju-ju.
MIKE: [affecting surprise] At Warp 7? But that's against Starfleet regulations!
> "ETA to Vulcan?" Marrissa asked.
> "5 minutes," was the reply.
> "Helm go to Warp 9.2," First Officer Marrissa Picard said.
TOM: Wasn't there a regulation against that a couple chapters ago?
> "Go to Red Alert. Captain Picard to the Bridge. Katherine Szustakowski
> to the Bridge."
CROW: Disgruntled postal employee to the Bridge.
[All make cheesy machine-gun noises]
> "Nearing Vulcan now," Cadet Diral said from the helm.
> "Take us out of Warp, Raise shields and rotate to face the
> incoming warbirds," Marrissa said. "Ready phasers and photon
> torpedoes."
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard arrived on the bridge. "Status, Number
> One," he asked.
CROW: Well, Ambassador G'Kar has vanished, after two years we still
don't know what Ambassador Kosh looks like in that encounter suit,
and Ambassador Delenn is in a cocoon.
MIKE: A cocoon?
CROW: Yes, sir, about yay high.
TOM: The "Babylon 5" sketch, ladies and gentlemen, the "Babylon 5" sketch.
> "Five Subspace anomolies traveling Warp 7 on a direct coarse
> for Vulcan have been spotted," Marrissa said. "ETA two minutes, sheilds
> have been raised and all weapons are prepared."
TOM: Oh, and *thank* you for telling us all what we *just saw*!
> Five Romulan Warbirds decloaked in front of the Maine. "Open
> hailing frequencies," Captain Picard said.
CROW: Ding! AT&T!
> Admiral Saavik appeared on screen. "Greetings Captain," she
> said. Looking puzzled she continued, "Captain Picard I thought you
> where on the Enterprise." A baby cried and Admiral Saavik picked it up.
MIKE: I guess Take-Your-Daughter-To-Work-Day fell at a really awkward
time this year.
> "I thought you were at Starfleet Command," Picard said. "What
> are you doing on a Romulan Warbird in its Nursery."
CROW: [as Saavik] Moonlighting. Starfleet admirals get paid $5.50 an hour.
TOM: [as Picard] And what's a nursery doing in a warship, anyway?
> "First This vessel and 2 others in this fleet are no longer
> property of the Romulan Goverment,"
MIKE: We filed off the serial numbers and everything.
> Saavik responded. "Second, my reason for my present location is to deliver some Romulans
TOM: Er, for that you should be in the obstetrics ward. The nursery
comes a little later.
> seeking freedom from political opression. Unfortately We We
MIKE: Please, I don't want to know what the baby's doing.
> unable to rid ourselves of two escorts.
TOM: Cut to the chase, Admiral.
CROW: Well, I didn't get laid...
> I request that you shot the three center warbirds in the coordinates I sending,
> so we may appear disabled, and then pursue till distruction the flanking Warbirds."
MIKE: Huh? What the heck is that supposed to mean?
TOM: [sighing] Los luces son aprendidas pero nadie esta en la casa...
> "Have the coordinates been recieved?" Picard asked. A Cadet answered
> yes and Picard continued," I will inform Star Fleet Command of the situation
> meanwhile I will proceed with your request. Picard out. Send a Copy to this
> transmission to Starfleet Command. Marrissa if you please."
CROW: Shoot you? No problem! You want it to look like an accident? Can't
collect on the insurance if it doesn't look like an accident.
> "Helm coarse 0 mark 25 full impulse engage on my mark," Marrissa
> said. "Tactical fire phasers on the coordinates We recieved from Saavik. Helm engage."
MIKE: Capital "We"? Who's piloting this ship now, the Queen of England?
> The Maine shot toward the Romulan wedge of warbirds, firing
> phasers. Disabling the middle three in quick succession with short
> blasts to certain spots on the wardbirds.
CROW: Oooh, shot to the area!
[All wince]
> The Warbirds dimmed but the outside warbirds turned and began tailing the Maine.
> "Prority One, message for Captain's Eyes only coming in."
> Cadet Henderson announced.
TOM: [singing] For your eyes only...
> "Can it be delayed," the Captain asked.
> "No sir"
> "I'll take it in the Ready Room," Picard said.
All: WHAT?!?
TOM: He's going to stop and chat in the middle of a battle??
> "Number One you have the bridge, try to keep it cleaner that your room."
CROW: Oooh, that stung.
MIKE: And the funny thing is, he wasn't even thinking of Marrissa. He
just said it out of habit.
TOM: [as Picard] That means no more Mapplethorpe pictures, young lady!
> "Aye sir," Marrissa said settling in to the big chair. "Marrissa
> to Westly Crusher."
> "Crusher here."
> "Wes can you give me a 10 percent power drop for 30 seconds on
> my mark?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: Aaaaaas...youuuuuu...wiiiiiiish!
> "I can do it on 5 seconds notice," Westly Crusher said from Engineering.
MIKE: I can name that tune in 4 notes.
> "Be ready," Marrissa said turning to Cadet Szustakowski she said
> "Kathy take the helm and begin that edvasive pattern that all most fooled me.
CROW: Okay. Let's see now, Elementary Tactics, Chapter 1, Example 1...
> Diral take science One and see if you can get me 12
> tropedoes programmed to go though the Romulan sheilds."
TOM: Wait a sec. Programmed to go through Romulan shields? If they could
punch through Romulan shields so easily why haven't they done it before?
MIKE: Hush, dear, think too hard and your brain will explode.
> When Katherine had seated he self Marrissa ordered, "Kathy
> change coarse 108 mark 270 engage. Wes power drop NOW."
> As Marrissa got the word 'NOW' Out of her mouth a Romulan
> disrupter made a glancing blow on the Maine's sheilds.
TOM: It's just a flesh wound!
> But it took 5 seconds for the Romulans to Resume tailing.
> "Your power drop ends in 3 .. 2 .. 1," Westly Crusher said from
CROW: The deepest, darkest pits of Clive Barker's Hell...
MIKE: Oh, you wish.
> Engineering.
> The Maine sped up and the Romulans did as well (after a 4 second
> delay. "Diral are those tropedoes ready?" Marrissa asked.
TOM: Ding! Torpedoes are ready!
> "Finished .. Now," Diral replied.
> "Set locks ahead and up 5 degrees," Marrissa said. "Viping on
> my mark Kathy."
CROW: "Viping"?! I can't even figure out what Ratliff was *trying* to spell!
> The Warbirds closed and began battering the aft shields. "NOW."
MIKE: And Kathy viped the vindshield.
> The Maine went to full stop and the Romulans shot over it
> coming to full stop as well, right in the Maines firing locks.
CROW: [deeply] Samsonite locks. Tough enough to withstand a collision
with a Romulan Warbird!
> "Fire all weapons Mr. Henderson." Marrissa ordered, "Kathy close in on them."
> The Warbirds began to run as tropedoes hit them though their shields.
> They ran out of the Vulcan system, It was now time for them to be chased.
TOM: Now it is time for this fanfic to be mocked.
MIKE: Now it is time for a witty quip.
CROW: Now it is time for me to stick my head in the fusion reactor.
> But the Romulans chould have still turned back the tide of the battle if they
> tried. But as they neared the eadge of the system that became a vain hope for
> blocking their path was ...
MIKE: An asteroid?
TOM: A black hole?
CROW: A stop sign?
>
MIKE: The Battlestar Galactica?
TOM: An army of DMV agents eager to revoke Ratliff's dramatic license?
CROW: [falsetto] The Holy Grail!
> The Excalibur
ALL: Oh.
CROW: And, so what?
MIKE: Y'know, somehow I don't find this significant enough to rate such
a huge tab stop.
> END SECTION 1 of Cadet Cruise
ALL: Yaaaaay!
> SECTION 2 FOLLOWS
CROW: Booooooo!
TOM: [sobbing] Nooo!!
MIKE: I think we can slip out during the intermission. Let's go.
[They leave the theater.]
...6...5...4...3...2...1...*...
[Bridge of the SOL.]
TOM: [weeping] Mike, I can't _take_ this any more! "A Versus D", "Better
The Devil You Know", "Treklander", that Rocky Horror thing, and now
Cadet Cruise-- these fanfics have been getting worse and worse and
*worse*!
CROW: He's fragile. You've gotta be careful with him.
MIKE: No, I think Tom's right, Crow. I know the bad movies and bad writ-
ing are part of the deal, but enough is enough.
CROW: It's not *that* bad. You need some perspective. It's just a fan-
fic, you both should really just--
TOM: [leans over, whispering very quietly in Crow's ear] "CONTINUED:"
CROW: AAAAAAGH!!
[Crow runs screaming from the room.]
MIKE: Normally, Tom, you'd get a demerit for that, but I think in this
case an object lesson was called for.
[Enter Gypsy.]
MIKE: Oh, hi Gyps.
GYPSY: What's all the hubbub... bub?
TOM: [with a mad gleam in his... er... dome] The hubbub is we're getting
out of here. No more John_-_Winston, no more John F. Moore, and
*especially* no more Stephen Ratliff.
MIKE: We've been through this, Tom. There's no way off the Satellite. No
shuttles, no transporters, not even any escape pods.
TOM: Well, did you *count* them??
MIKE: Twice.
TOM: Grr.
[Pause.]
TOM: Wait a minute. It's crazy, but it just might work... that's *it*!!
That's how we're getting out of here!
MIKE: What?
TOM: Cambot! Turn on the communications link to Deep 13!
[Cut to Deep 13. Dr. Crichton is leaning over and inspecting some equip-
ment along one wall, making disparaging-looking checks on her clipboard.
Dr. Forrester is standing right behind her to one side, peering over her
shoulder and trying to see what she's looking at. She turns and gives
him a killing glare; he backs off hastily with a sickly smile on his face.]
[Cut back to the SOL. Crow has returned as well, slightly dizzy.]
CROW: [dazedly] I'm all better now. I took all the red ones. What's happening?
TOM: We're going to let that auditor person know about the Satellite of
Love! You heard what Dr. Forrester said-- if she finds out about
it, she'll shut him down! And we'll be free!
CROW: Neat.
[They all start shouting at the communications link...]
CROW: Hey! Ms... uh... Auditor!
MIKE: Dr. Crichton!
TOM: Over here!
[Cut to Deep 13. For a few moments the SOL crew are still audible shout-
ing, but they quickly stop as it becomes apparent that Drs. Forrester
and Crichton can't hear them.]
DR. C: That reactor is shielded. Very poor technique. It should be pour-
ing radiation into the environment, and instead you've sealed it
up so it's [looks disgusted] *safe*.
DR. F: [haplessly] It was like that when we moved in.
DR. C: And there was this weird banging noise and faint cries for help.
What was that all about?
DR. F: Oh, just the wind.
DR. C: [suspiciously] You're not keeping anyone in that reactor core,
are you, Doctor Forrester?
DR. F: Oh, no! Of course not!
DR. C: I see. Too bad. That'd at least be worth some style points. [She
makes another checkmark on the clipboard.] Now when was the last
time you tried to take over the world?
DR. F: Well... I've been so *busy*... what with one thing and another, I...
[Cut to SOL Bridge.]
CROW: [distraught] She can't hear us! [normal voice] And she's so cute,
too! [distraught again] This is torture!
TOM: Dr. Forrester must have set up some kind of diabolically clever
anti-demodulating force ray, or a sonic cancellation cone or some-
thing to prevent us from being heard!
GYPSY: Actually, he just turned the volume down on his TV set.
[All pause.]
MIKE: Hey... Gypsy... do you know how all of Dr. F's equipment works?
GYPSY: Sure! When they wired up the Umbilicus I got access to all the systems.
MIKE: Can you set off an alarm or something and attract attention in Deep 13?
GYPSY: Um, okay...
TOM: Goodgoodgood! Do it now!
GYPSY: It'll take me a while, though.
TOM: A "while"?! What are we supposed to do in the meantime?!
[Buzzers, alarms, lights, all go off.]
MIKE: We've got fanfic siiiiiign!
TOM: Aaaahhh! I was speaking RHETORICALLY...
[General chaos.]
*...6...5...4...3...2...o...
> Article 13427 of alt.startrek.creative:
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Path:
CROW: Straight to Hell...
> uchinews!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.
> com!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!uunet!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!ruacad!rucs2!
> sratliff
> From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
> Subject: REPOST Cadet Cruise section 2
> Message-ID: <CvBtG0.3Lo@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu>
> Organization: Radford University
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
> Date: Tue, 30 Aug 1994 02:26:22 GMT
> Lines: 388
MIKE: [as Dennis Hopper] There's a bomb on this fanfic. If the plot goes
over one mile an hour, it explodes!
TOM: [as Keanu Reeves] Can't we disarm the bomb?
CROW: No luck. The fanfic IS the bomb!
TOM: NO!!! NO!! DAMMIT!! We're all going to DIIIIIIIIE!!
> Star Trek ________
> The Next Generation ___---'--------`--..____
> ,-------------------.============================-
> (__________________<|_) `--.._______..--'
> | | ___,--' - _ /
> ,--' `--'Cadet | by Stephen Ratliff
> ~~~~~~~`-._ Cruise |
> `-.______,-' SECTION 2
TOM: [loudly] We weren't impressed the first time!
> Chapter Five
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Spying the Excaliber
CROW: Aaugh!
MIKE: I guess Ratliff decided he'd spelled too many words correctly in
the last section.
> in their path the Warbirds split up.
CROW: [falsetto] This relationship is suffocating me!
TOM: You'll come crawling back one day, baby!
> The Maine took the one that went right the Excaliber the left.
> The Excaliber chased its warbird intill the warbird cloaked.
> The Maine however was more sucessful.
CROW: It managed to do something.
> The torpedoes Diral had perpared passed though the warbirds shields and
> slamed into the warp engines creating a massive explosion the Maine passed
> though the remains of the warbird
MIKE: ...perforating its own hull in a thousand places as it was hit by
a rain of burning shrapnel...
> and met the Excaliber on the other side.
CROW: [singing] When a starship meets a starship a-comin' through the rye...
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard returned to the bridge after his talk
> with Admiral McGuire via codeded channels. "Status Number One," He asked.
TOM: We're halfway through the fanfic and feeling suicidal.
CROW: Yeah, can we blow ourselves out the airlock now or do we have to wait?
MIKE: Guys...
> "One Romulan Warbird destroyed by us," Marrissa said.
MIKE: No, really? I thought they tripped and shot themselves.
> "The Other has cloaked in the area.
CROW: Which is understandable, I mean, The Others are usually modest.
> All systems normal. The Excaaliber has arrived."
> "Hail the Excaliber," Picard ordered turning toward the veiw screen.
TOM: Hail the "Excaliber"!
CROW: Hail the Excaliber!
ALL: All hail the Excaliber!
> Captain Shelby appeared on screen. "Captain Shelby of the
> USS Excaliber NCC-1703-G reporting as ordered," she said.
> "Captain Shelby you ar going to 'love' our latest orders," Picard said.
MIKE: You know, this really 'bites'.
TOM: Heh.
> "How so?"
CROW: Madly. Passionately. With chocolate sauce.
> "Those three other warbirds in the system are defectors," Picard said.
MIKE: Or at least defectives.
[All snigger]
> "We are to depost all but 6 members of their crews on Vulcan and transport
> them to Earth ASAP."
CROW: Aren't we supposed to return any escapees?
TOM: No, no, Crow. That's for the aliens who look weird. The normal ones, we let in.
> "I hope you have at least one C.O. to send," Shebly said.
> "I've only got Commander Adin and Lt.Commander Yarr and bunch of
> ensigns on my ship."
> "Personal is a problem," Picard responded.
MIKE: [Shelby] I don't want to hear about your personal problems, Cap-
tain, I can't get Ratliff to spell my name consistently.
> "I'm the only one here, the Washington, Oregan, and California are skeliton crews
> with Lt.s in command, no help there."
> "Is that Marrissa Flores behind you?" Captain Shelby asked.
CROW: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmaybe.
> "It is but she is now my adopted daugther," Picard replied
> "Put her in command of the Maine," Shebly suggested. "She may not have rank but
TOM: She *is* pretty rank.
> she has more exprience than anyone we are going to find."
CROW: Yeah, right. What, are most Starfleet personnel in embryonic stage now?
> "Point taken," Picard said. "Prepare boarding parties
ALL: Boarding party! Wohoooo!
CROW: Break out the party balls, dude!
> I'll send 75 cadet to each ship, you supply the rest.
MIKE: 75 cadets to each ship? I thought they were supposed to be nice
to these people?
> Myself, Adin, and Yarr will command their crews. Maine out. Hail the Romulans."
CROW: Sieg Jion.
MIKE: Crow...
> "Captain Sela here," Sela said. "Ready to recieve broarding
> parties and beam personal down to deffector processing center on Vulcan."
CROW: They have a whole defector processing center? I would've thought
Vulcan wouldn't be such a popular place to seek asylum.
TOM: Well, the climate's no fun, but it's actually got a great alterna-
tive club scene.
CROW: Really?
TOM: Mm-hm.
> "Have you been listening in?" Picard asked.
> "No but Admiral Saavik has been most informtive," Sela responded.
MIKE: [adolescent voice] She told you... *everything*?
> "You will notice I am in the process of replacing the Warbird symbol on all
> my warbirds with and old symbol from a auto company known as Pontiac
CROW: Do you think Pontiac paid Ratliff for this endorsement?
MIKE: I think if they'd known they'd have paid Ratliff to endorse someone else.
> to avoid confusion so beam over when the symbol in finished in 5 minutes.
TOM: Okay, let's start at the top here. First, what facilities does a
warship full of defectors that's just been disabled have to change
its markings? How do they know about Pontiac? *Why* Pontiac? And
how can they be finished in five minutes?
MIKE: You're very calm about all this...
TOM: I've just gone completely numb.
> I assum as owner I may come with my ships to Earth."
> "You and 5 others," Picard said.
> "See you in 5. Sela out."
>
> "Now down to business," Captain Picard said. "Computer note in
> Log. Per StarFleet orders Stardate 47608 I am now in command of a fleet
> consisting of the Maine, Excaliber and three Romulan warbirds.
CROW: [Picard] ...three '74 Chevy Vegas and several Gremlins. Quite
an impressive fleet, I must say.
TOM: Now the Star Force will pay for all the times they've humiliated me...
> As such I am reassigning Command of the USS Maine to Marriss Picard
> athorization Picard Omega nine oh one two."
> "Maine now under the command of Marrissa Picard."
MIKE: [computer] I've had a nice life. Oh, you didn't ask. Bite me, dickweed.
> "Captain who are you taking to the Romulan ship from the Command
> crew?" Marrissa asked
> "Cadet Westly Crusher."
TOM: Ah, they're going to drop him into the drive singularity to in-
crease engine efficiency.
[Crow hums "Fool to Feed the Drive".]
> "Computer first officer is now Cadet Ross Lochard," Marrissa said.
> "Second officer Cadet Katherine Szustakowski. authorization Marrissa Beatpveen
MIKE: [Picard] Young lady, I am going to wash your mouth out with soap this instant!
> one eight one two."
> "First Officer now Cadet Ross Lochard, Second Officer now Cadet
> Katherine Szustakowski."
> ^L
CROW: The Winged L strikes again! Hide your prostitutes!
> Chapter Six
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Cloaked Romulan Warbird Bloodfire
> Captain Sardak Commanding
> Captain's Log
TOM: No, seriously, what did Spock find in the Enterprise john? Heh, heh.
> The Federation ships Maine and Excaliber have apparently
> destroyed the Deathwing and captured the Adventure, The Starburst and
> the Exploration. However they are so short of Commanding officers
> that the put a 12 year old GIRL in comand of the Maine.
MIKE: At last, someone with a sense of the ridiculous!
CROW: NYAH Nyah nyah nyah nyah! The Feddies play with GIRLS!!
> The Maine, Excaliber ant the three captured Romulan Warbirds
> have toward Earth. Vulcan is guarded by 3 Ambassitor Class starships
> so we are following the Earth bound fleet. I have choosen to follow 20
> meters off the portside of the Maine and slightly above.
MIKE: [Sardak] We'll be safe as long as they don't make any left turns-- WHAM!
CROW: It could be worse-- remember "Battlestar Galactica"?
> Outside the Romulan vessel, the Earth bound fleet can be seen
> clearly. The Maine is the nearest vessel. Next comes the three Romulan
> vessels. And finally the Excaliber can be seen on the farside.
TOM: ...being chased by anthropomorphic jackals! Ha ha!
> USS Maine
>
> "1200 hours Alpha shift is releaved,"
MIKE: To get out of this crummy fanfic.
> Marrissa said. "Mr. Lochard, in my ready room." Various staff enter and
> exit and Marrissa Picard and Ross Lochard enter the Ready Room.
CROW: ...bomp-chika-bomp-waow...
MIKE: That's enough of that, Crow.
> "Mister Lochard what is this I hear about Cadet Tanner's
> transfer to the Adventure," Marrissa said as she sat behind the desk.
TOM: [singing] You shouldn't be listening to these Blasphemous Rumours...
> "Cadet Tanner wwas still complaining about the present command
> structure despite several extra shifts,"
MIKE: The floggings will continue until morale improves.
> Ross said. "I beleived she was deturmental to moral. So I sent her to serve
> under Commander Adin."
CROW: [Ross] She's someone else's problem now.
TOM: [Marrissa] Good job, Mister Lochard!
> "Your actions were correct but you should have consulted me,"
> Marrissa said. "I as commanding officer I must approve all transfers
> remember that in the future.
CROW: [muttering] But he *bought* the *car*...
> Please make sure my record is available to all personal in order to end such decussion."
MIKE: That way, they can cite specific charges at the court-martial.
> Ross returned to the bridge. "Their is a sensor anomoly off
> the portside," Kevin Henderson said.
> "On screen," Ross said. On screen stars streamed by arcing
> around as certain spot.
MIKE: Aww, c'mon. That's way too easy.
TOM: <sniff, sniff> Is that a cop-out I smell?
CROW: Yesssss... there is definately a cop-out in the air...
> "Inform the Starburst, Captain to the Bridge."
> Marrissa entered the bridge. "I think we have found the missing
> Warbird, Captain."
> "Ready one torpedeo set to detonate on impact," Marrissa said.
> "10 percent power."
MIKE: Set the torpedo to "wedgie," cadet.
> "Message from the Starburst," A Cadet said, "If the Anomoly
> is the Romulan warbird. You are to destroy it completely."
CROW: By firing at a "certain spot".
TOM: Data's cat?
> "Fire torpedo."
> A Torpedo arched out of the Maine. It impacted the Anomoly
> and reveled the Warbird.
CROW: ...naked as a jaybird!
MIKE: CROW!
TOM: Hey, what exactly is a jaybird?
[Mike and Crow look at each other, then just shrug.]
> "Red Alert, All hands to battle stations," Marrissa ordered.
> The Bloodfire having decided that hiding would be useless from
> this point forward, fired torpedoes toward the Excaliber. The Maine
> was ingored because Captain Sardak beleived the Maine under 12 year-old
> Marrissa was not a treat. He was wrong.
MIKE: Actually, I think he was dead right about that.
TOM: Admit it! Admit you're wrong! Say it! SAY IT!!
> "Kathy get on their tail," Marrissa said. "Tactical fire
> phasers and photon torpedoes."
> "Nearing Terran System," Katherine Szustakoski said.
> "The Warbird is dropping out of Warp," Cadet Henderson said
> from tactical.
> "Following suit," Katherine said from the helm.
CROW: Six of diamonds.
MIKE: Damn.
> The Bloodfire emerged from warp just short of Neptune. The
> Maine emerged in standard orbit of it.
TOM: Is that standard orbit around Neptune or standard orbit around the Warbird??
MIKE: And why do they always have to invade the solar system edge-on, anyway?
> The Maine came about charging the Bloodfire. The Blood fire ingored it
[All clap and cheer wildly.]
> again going after the Exacaliber which had just arrived.
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Oh, he meant "ignored".
CROW: Aww.
> The Maine once agian fired on the Bloodfire knocking out its shields.
> No longer able to ingore the Maine
CROW: [falsetto] I will not be ignored!
> The Bloodfire fired torpedoes at the Maine.
> "Fire phasers at incoming torpedoes," Marrissa ordered.
> "Target torpedoes at the Warp Engines."
> The Maine's phasers detonated the Romulan Torpedoes just short
> of the Maine.
TOM: Unfortunately, the shockwave took out the _Maine_'s bridge and...
oh, what's the use.
> Meanwhile the Maine's torpedoes impacted the Romulan Warp engines.
MIKE: Impacted warp engines? Is that like having impacted wisdom teeth?
> The Warbird exploded like fireworks on the fourth of July.
TOM: Hey, bayyyyyybee... kablam!
> "Captain," Ross said.
> "Yes, Number One," Marrissa replied.
> "Remind me to never underestimate a Picard," Ross continued.
CROW: Ha ha... remind me to strangle you later, Number One.
> ^L
> Epilogue
> ~~~~~~~~
> Captain's Log STARDATE 47613.8
> USS Maine
> Marrissa Picard Recording
MIKE: Hello? Helllooooo? Is this thing on? Testing, testing... sibil-
ance... s-s-sibilance...
> We have entered earth orbit and most of the crew has beamed
> back to the Academy.
TOM: [Marrissa] I'm bored. I want to play with my Barbie.
> Tommarrow my Father and I will be returning to the Enterprise. However
> before we leave we are to attend a press confernce at Starfleet Headquarters
> with Admiral McGuire.
MIKE: Some guys named Woodward and Bernstein wanted to ask a few questions.
> Marrissa Picard, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Shelby and
> Cadets Lochard, Shebly and Crusher, entered the crowded Press
> Confernce Room.
CROW: And were immediately crushed against the stage by the crowd! Oh, the humanity!
> Admiral McGuire, the new Starfleet Publicity Chief, was waiting as were several
> dozen members of the press. Around the room questions were being thrown around,
> like: How does a 12 year old get command of a starship?
MIKE: Contrived plot construction?
TOM: Nah, the same as everyone else-- deceit, trickery, and the "elim-
ination" of a few superiors.
> How did a Romulan Warbird get so deep into federation space?
CROW: Clean living?
TOM: [theatrically] What's that got to do with *you*?
> and How is Starfleet going to reward young Miss Picard?
MIKE: How about a long walk out a short airlock?
CROW: And when is this fanfic going to end when when WHEN?
> "Gentlemen and Ladies of the Press,"
TOM: And beings of other assorted genders.
> Admiral McGuire began, "May I have your attention please.
CROW: [Sister Mary Elephant voice] Class... Class... Class-- SHUT UP!!
> I will begin with an anouncement and then
> Myself and the other people you see here will answer you questions."
'BOTS: The third degree! Give 'em the third degree!
> The Room quieted down as the Admiral began, "As you know 8
> days ago on Stardate 47605,
TOM: [as Franklin Roosevelt] In a fanfic that will live in infamy.
> 5 Romulan warbirds breached the Neutral Zone,
> destroying the Chicago, the Pittsburgh, and disabling the Brittain.
MIKE: This incident took place near the Gulf of Tonkin...
> The ships then proceed to Vulcan. Once there three ships defected.
CROW: We gave them a stern talking-to for wasting our ships, but we for-
gave them anyway.
> The Remaining to two
MIKE: Was worn by Anna Pavlova.
> attacked the USS Maine NCC-17715. One of them was destroyed. The other
> one eluded us intil yesterday when the Maine decovered and destroyed it
> near Neptune. Captain Jean-Luc Picard was in command of the Maine when
> the first one was destroyed, Marrissa Picard the second. However both
> kills are credited to Marrissa Picard.
TOM: [announcer] Jean-Luc Picard regarded the action as gauche, and so
did not want it on his own record.
> "The second item on my agenda is the rewards for those on the
> Maine who served with destinction and great bravrey. As you know the
> Maine is one of four Cadet training ships in Starfleet and the largest
> of those. As such it is crewed by Cadets and a small evaulation group.
CROW: The lunatics are running the asylum!
> As such it is hard to find a reward for those who served so bravely.
MIKE: Kids are *so* hard to shop for.
TOM: So forget it. Back to the barracks, all.
> However, it has been decided that apon graduation those who were so
> noted will serve aboard the ferderation flagship USS Enterprise
> NCC-1701-D or her successor.
MIKE: I think I speak for all of us when I say: Oh, *boo*.
> These cadets are Westly Crusher,
CROW: Who declined, as he was too busy with his new career as the Dread
Pirate Roberts.
> Ross Lochard, Katherine Szustakowski, Kevin Henderson, and Diral Bariel.
> "Starfleet also wishes to reward Marrissa Picard for her
> actions in this battle and at Bajor.
MIKE: So give her a lollipop and send her home.
> It has been decided by the order of the President of the United Federation
> of Planets, with the Consent of the Commanding Admiral of Starfleet to grant
> Marrissa Amber Picard the rank of Ensign in Starfleet.
ALL: WHAT?!
TOM: [blubbering] No. Not this. I've managed to deal with all the
other Ratliff contrivances, but this is too much!
CROW: So, I guess it's now alt.ensign.picard.die.die.die?
> Furthermore, Starfleet Academy has decided to give her 15 hours of credit in
> various coarses including Tactics 210 which she cause us to revise fully.
MIKE: By adding a description of her maneuvers to the textbook, with the
caption "never, never, *ever* do this."
> "In addition to these announcements, Captain Picard has an
> additional one, Captain"
> Admiral McGuire yeilded the microphone to Captain Picard.
TOM: ...very reluctantly, only after being beaten senseless by security.
> Admiral McGuire sat down beside Marrissa who had been forced to take a
> seat after the last announcement.
> "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press," Captain Picard began,
CROW: [as Picard] Bite me.
> "It is my pleasure to annouce today that
MIKE: Stephen Ratliff has given up writing.
CROW: We WISH!
> Starfleet Academy is
TOM: [insanely] Closing permanently! School's out forever! Haha!
> assigning one hundred Cadets to the Enterprise as an additional campus to releave
> over crowding at Starfleet Academy Sanfransico.
MIKE: Excuse me?
CROW: Pardon?
TOM: I didn't catch that... let me clean my ears out with a .44 slug.
> The Cadets will not change the Enterprises Mission.
MIKE: They'll just make it a heck of a lot harder to perform.
> Instead they will serve to further deversify the crew of the Enterprise.
TOM: As good an argument as any against school busing, I guess.
MIKE: [McGuire] We figured there weren't nearly enough inexperienced
personnel on board.
> My Command crew will serve as staff and advisiors for the Cadets semester stay. Admiral?"
> "We will now take questions," McGuire said. Hands shot up.
CROW: In the future, all reporters will have detachable hands.
MIKE & TOM: [waving their hands (or whatever) wildly] Me! Me! Ooh, pick me!
> "We will begin with Sir Anthony Eden of the BBC."
> "Admiral Mc Guire, How did the Romulans get though the border patrol?"
TOM: [Rush Limbaugh] The Clinton budget cuts. We have a hollow space-
fleet, folks! I'm not making this up!
MIKE: *Never* do that again.
> "The Romulan incursion was a result of the delayed arrival of
> the USS Virginia," Admiral Mc Guire said. "Its absence allowed a
> weakness to develop.
CROW: [pleasantly] I've just received word that the captain and crew of
the Virginia have been arrested and shot, so we shouldn't be hav-
ing any more problems in that area.
> The Romulans used this weakness and broke though.
> The Virginia as you know was solving the envoriomental crisis on the
> Planet Normandy. Now Brian Rather of World WIde Broadcasting."
MIKE: Aren't there any aliens in the press?
> "Admiral Mc Guire or Captain Picard,
CROW: Glen or Glenda,
> How does a 12 year old get command of a starship?"
TOM: By slipping through a plot loophole!
MIKE & CROW: [singing] Letting the days go by, water flowing underground...
> Captain Picard looked to Admiral McGuire who nodded. "As
> always Rather either you or Brokaw gets down to the toughest question,"
> Captain Picard said.
MIKE: [Picard] Next question, please....
> "Marrissa was orignally put in command of the Enterprise
> saucer section, as you know on Stardate 47570 due to her Kobayshi Maru
> time of 20+ minutes.
CROW: Ah, yes, the Cheesy Plot Device provision of Starfleet regulations.
> This decision was based on the fact
TOM: That all the grownups were bombed out of their skulls on Romulan ale.
> we needed a crew to take the sacuer section away from the area.
MIKE: Saucers in the area are very painful, let me tell you.
> The saucer ran into Gul Ducat's ship on its way to Deep Space Nine and disabled it with
> out recieving injury. As we arrived at DS9 to pick up the saucer the War
> was declared and a dozen warships from Cardassia were spotted. There
> was not enough time to releave her so I assigned her to evacuate Deep
> Space Nine's civilian population.
TOM: Dear God, is he going to recount the plots of all of Ratliff's fan-fics?
> Halfway to Bajor Gul Ducat's newly repaired ship caught up to her and attacked.
MIKE: How come the Cardassians have time to repair a ship and the Feds
don't even have time to bring in a real crew?
> Marrissa defeated him agian. When we acquired the three warbirds were needed a Commanding
> Officer. There were just four officers
CROW: So we decided to play a few hands of bridge and let the kids han-
dle the battle and stuff.
> for 5 ships, myself, Captain Shelby, Commander Adin, and Luientant Commander Yarr.
> As such I looked for people with some command exprience,
CROW: [Picard] Finding none, I quickly turned to a spirited game of
duck-duck-goose.
> Marrissa had the most of the people available so she got command of the Maine."
MIKE: Ratliff's press conferences are more exciting than his battles.
TOM: That's not saying much!
> "I had the same question when the Rio Grande arrived,"
> Commander Sisko said, joining them.
CROW: Out of thin air.
TOM: ...the hell?
MIKE: Talk about jump cuts!
> "Apparrently Mr. Data volunteered."
> "Who is the first Officer he will lector
CROW: Hannibal Lector?
> this time?" Captain Picard asked.
> "Constuble Odo,"
TOM: [Neddie Seagoon] But, Constabule!
> Sisko said. "I didn't think Data had emotions, let alone a temper."
CROW: [eagerly] Or even a--
MIKE: No.
> "He doesn't," Picard replied, "but he has lectured every first
> officer he has had."
MIKE: It's kind of a tradition... his good-luck speech, so to speak.
> Over the intercom Miles O'Brien announced,
TOM: Say, how much Brien is in this fanfic?
ALL: Miles O'Brien.
> "Everyone better get seated, we take off in one minute." In a nervous voice he continued,
> "Keiko's driving."
ALL: Waap, waap, waap, waah...
MIKE: Keiko's driving? Driving *what*?
CROW: Is the press conference taking off?
TOM: Well, I'm glad something's taking off. Calling this fanfic a lead
zeppelin would be a compliment.
> ---------------------------THE---------------END---------------------
CROW: Oh, I see. The fanfic just crashed and bled.
> APPENDIX
MIKE: And it's got appendicitis too.
> Charactors
> name---------------------- Notes-----------------------
> Jean-Luc Picard Captain USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D
> adoptive father of Marrissa
TOM: Able to vanish from plots without a trace.
> Marrissa Picard adoptive daughter of CPT Picard
> Commander USS Enterprise-D's Kid's
> Crew
> Cmded saucer section tBfB
> CMD USS Maine after Chapter 5
CROW: ...will be nibbled to death by... what are those things? Feathers,
bills, webbed feet? Go quack?
TOM: Cats.
CROW: Yes. Will be nibbled to death by cats.
> Marie Picard sister-in-law CPT Picard
TOM: [weeping falsetto] But that's my only line!
> Theresa McGuire Admiral, Cheif of Starfleet Operations
> Matthew Szustakowski dead, former Captain USS Roanoke
> post-humous medel
CROW: He'd never touch you, "medel". You're dirt.
> of Valor in Battle for
> Bajor STARDATE 47577
CROW: See, "humous"... dirt... oh... [begins to cry] How much longer?
> Romulan proconsil
> Sela daugher of Tasha Yarr
> Romulan Captain
> The 'Nanny' Who is it?
MIKE: A one-armed chicken that won't take "no" for an answer.
CROW: No, it's that big cute robot from "Ninja High School."
TOM: [under his breath] Fanboy.
CROW: Am not.
MIKE: Cool it, you two...
> Beverly Crusher CMO USS Enterprise
TOM: Crusher? I hardly even know 'er! Ha! I love that gag.
> CMO USS Maine (while Enterprise under
> repair)
> Westly Crusher son of Beverly Crusher
MIKE: Currently has a bounty on his head the size of Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
> Cadet
> second officer and cheif engineer
TOM: And chafing everyone else, too.
> chapters 3-5 USS Maine
> Sam Morgan Captain USS Chicago
CROW: [Mafioso voice] Sam Morgan sleeps wit' da fishes...
> Katherine Szustakowski daughter of Matthew Szustakowski
> at the Roanoke's helm at tBfB
> Cadet
> second officer USS Maine
> chapters 5-end
TOM: To the bitter end.
CROW: [sings] Night train to the end.
MIKE: A good friend.
> Ross Lochard Tactical Officer
> Cadet
> first officer after chapter 5
> USS Maine
TOM: Now "resting" at the Timothy Leary Institute for the Very Very Nervous.
> Gladstone Security Cadet
CROW: Dead meat.
> Tanner Security Cadet
CROW: More dead meat.
TOM: Tanner? I hardly even... [Mike reaches over and holds his mouth shut]
> Kevin Henderson Security Cadet
CROW: Even more dead meat. It's a pathologist's dream!
> Johnson Lueitenant Tactical Officer USS Pheonix
> George Grant Captain USS Pheonix
> Chase First Officer USS Pheonix
MIKE: All three were convicted of misconduct during the Tailhook Conven-
tion in 2379.
> Saavik Admiral (same person as ST II&III)
TOM: Plus or minus the odd lobotomy.
> Shelby Captain USS Excalibur
MIKE: Last seen on the corner of Telegraph and University, wearing a
Stanford T-shirt.
> Sardak Commander of the Romulan Warbird
> Bloodfire
> Thinks young human girls are unworthy
> of
> notice
CROW: Thinks love is a lie and luck is a jade.
TOM: And doesn't use personal pronouns.
MIKE: Hmm, that's everyone.
CROW: Hey, what about the Tactical Officer? Gyp!
TOM: Yeah! She was the glue that held this fanfic together!
> The Ships
CROW: [exasperated] Does he *have* to go through with this?
MIKE: It's a sign of devotion to Star Trek. Kind of like taking a pil-
grimage to Jerusalem on your knees.
> Name--------------- REG------- CMD
> USS Maine NCC-17715 CPT Jean-Luc Picard
> Marrissa Picard
> USS Excaliber NCC-1703-G CPT Shelby
TOM: Strange women lying in ponds distributing Galaxy-class starships is
no basis for a system of government!
> Deathwing Romulan ?
> Bloodfire Romulan Sardak
> Adventure Romulan De Sela
> CMD Darryll Adin
MIKE: Romulan De?
> Exploration Romulan De Unknown
> LCD Tasha Yarr
CROW: [singing] Romulan De-oh! Deeeee-oh!
TOM: [singing] Fanfic come and me want to go home!
> Starbrust
MIKE: Stephen Starbrust?
> Romulan De Unknown
> CPT Jean Luc Picard
ALL: [singing] Romulan De! Is-a De-oh! Fanfic come and we wanna go home!
> USS Chicago NCC-1920 CPT Sam Morgan
> USS Pheonix NCC-65420 CPT George Grant
CROW: Okay, that's *got* to be it.
[They all get up and start out.]
> Stephen's Notes
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOM: What the-- "Stephen's Notes"?
MIKE: Geez, next thing you know we're going to have to read his poetry
or something!
[They all sit down again, muttering and grumbling.]
TOM: Apparently he thinks this is _Lord of the Rings_.
CROW: _Bored of the Rings_ is more like it.
> Battle of Bajor-
> Opening battle of the Second Cardassian-Federation War. 12
> Cardassains warships under Gul Ducat attacked Bajor and Deep Space
> Nine They were defeated by a force of 7 starships unser Jean-Luc Picard.
MIKE: And a little girl in command of a starship... no, really, I'm not
kidding. Why, yes, I consider this serious fiction...
> Kabayshi Maru versions-
> (Currently in use)
> Borg version 2.0
> Cardassian 3.6
> Romulan 5.1
TOM: Threes, revision 1.1.
> (Out of use)
> Borg v. 1.0
CROW: Godzilla vs. Borg.
> Cardassian 1.0 1.1
MIKE: Pi.
TOM: 401-k.
> 1.3 2.0 2.1 2.3
CROW: The Hubble Constant.
MIKE: Aleph-null.
> 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5
CROW: ...and a 4.1 from the French judge.
MIKE: They just never could get the Cardassians right, could they?
TOM: Definitely Microsoft's work. I can smell it.
> Klingon 1.0 1.1 1.2
CROW: Square root of 2.
TOM: i.
> 1.3 1.4 2.0 2.1
MIKE: e.
CROW: Avogadro's number.
> 2.2 3.0 3.1 4.0
TOM: Registering this week on the Calaveras fault...
> Romulan 1.0 2.0 3.0
CROW: Babylon 5.
MIKE: Deep Space 9.
> 4.0 5.0
CROW: All of these currently require Windows 30.0 or higher.
TOM: All except for Klingon 1.0.
CROW: Really? Why?
TOM: Klingon 1.0 was written in DBase.
CROW: D'oh!
> Kabayshi Maru version Romulan 5.1-
> No win senerio.
TOM: Kind of like the one we're in right now.
> Romulan warships as of stardate 45570
MIKE: ...do *what* as of stardate 45570? Have side impact airbags stan-
dard, or what?
> Kid's Crew -
TOM: [official voice] A bad idea. A very bad idea.
> A Group of Kids on a starship who have the right to take over
> by the order of the Commanding officer on at the incopassitation of the
> crew a starship.
CROW: What about the incapacitation of somebody's spellchecker?
> The First such crew was started on the Enterprise-D by
> Marrissa Flores (later Picard). Founding Members were Jay Gordon,
> First Officer; Clara Sutter, second Officer and Chief Engineer; Alexander,
> Chief of Security; and Patterson Supra, Conn Officer.
MIKE: [Dragnet voice] All of whom were indicted for embezzlement of
Starfleet funds in order to purchase 2.5 million tons worth of
Magic cards. [All shudder]
> The first mission was to take the saucer section to DS9 the second to evacuate the
> civilians from DS9. The Missions were carried out so well that
> StarFleet has instuted them on all Galaxy and Ambassidor Class
> Starships.
CROW: Starfleet seems to have the collective intelligence of a rock-slide.
> Kid's Crew, Command Of starship Enterprise-
TOM: [official voice] A worse idea. An even worse idea.
> This decision was based on the fact we needed a
> crew to take the sacuer section away from the area.
MIKE: And the fact that we didn't want it to succeed.
> The saucer ran into Gul Ducat's ship on its way to Deep Space Nine and disabled it with
> out recieving injury.
CROW: [as Jack Palance] Believe it... <breathe> or not.
> As we arrived at DS9 to pick up the saucer the War was declared and a dozen
> warships from Cardassia were spotted. There was not enough time to releave her
> so I assigned her to evacuate Deep Space Nine's civilian population.
TOM: Wait, *you* assigned her?
CROW: I think Mr. Ratliff has been sitting a bit too close to the TV here.
> Halfway to Bajor Gul Ducat's newly repaired ship caught up to her and attacked.
> Marrissa defeated him agian.
TOM: By challenging him to a game of Mousetrap.
CROW: Oh, defeating highly trained generals is so *passe*.
> Lochard, Ross-
> Starfleet Security Cadet. C- on REG.
MIKE: Now why is he being so hard on poor Barclay, anyway?
TOM: I think he's referring to Blank Reg.
MIKE: Oh. [pause] *Huh*?
> quote "Never underestimate a Picard." Marrissa's Number One.
CROW: Has been painful ever since the operation.
> Picard, Marrissa -
> After being trapped in the trubolift Marrissa (then Flores)
> with Captain Picard she got interested in starship Command. She started a
> club called the Kid's crew.
TOM: [documentary voice] Whose infamous hazing rituals left behind a
string of disfigured corpses.
> The test for command of the kid's crew was the Kabayshi Maru test version
> Romulan 5.1. Her time was 21:35.01. Her parents Lt & Ens Flores were in security.
> They died boarding the Enterprise-C.
MIKE: But, that's life for a daughter of two redshirts.
> Marrissa at the time of her parents deaths was taking the saucer section
> to DS9 (1). She arrived 3 days before the Battle for Bajor (2).
CROW: What's with the numbers?
TOM: I am not a number, I am a free man!
> Her actions in Capturing a Cardassian warship inside
> federation space and in the Battle of Bajor as well as the Kid's Crew
> lead to offical rules and regulations supporting such crews. She was
> adopted by Captain Jean-Luc Picard on StarDate 47578
> SEE ALSO
> (1) Kid's Crew
> (2) Battle of Bajor
CROW: You see them also. I'm bitter.
> Szustakowski, Katherine-
> Conn Officer on the Roanoke (visiting her father during spring break)
MIKE: Instead of boozing it up with the other cadets on Risa.
TOM: Well, Kathy never really fit in. Starfleet will punish her for
that in the end.
> she piloted the Roanoke well enough to make Captain Picard Place
CROW: Captain Picard Place? That's next to Boardwalk, right?
> her on he list of Cadets to request. First Officer Walsky of the
> Raonoke noted that even though her father was dieing on the bridge she
> still piloted the ship with destinction.
MIKE: [fatherly tone] Honey, just let up on the gas a little--
TOM: [Katie Ka-Boom] I am NOT OVERREACTING!
> Awarded Metal of Honor
MIKE: "Metal" of Honor?
CROW: Judas Priest rules!
ALL: [singing-- sort of] Breakin' the law! Breaking the law!
> END Cadet Cruise
[All just sit there for several moments.]
> part 1 of Who Q? Where Q?
CROW: What Q? When Q? Why Q? And how Q?
> follows
TOM: D'oh!
MIKE: Oh, he just had to get in a parting shot, didn't he.
CROW: Quick, let's get out of here before the next showing starts.
[They leave the theater rather more quickly than usual.]
TOM: [humming] Will John DeLancie sue, Q?
..6...5...4...3...2...1...*
[SOL Bridge. The lights are flashing and a number of unobtrusive buzzers
and things are sounding.]
MIKE: Are we all set, Gypsy?
GYPSY: Communications systems ready!
MIKE: Make it so!
TOM: Did you have to say that, Nelson? It gives me flashbacks. [He shud-
ders]
[Cut to Deep 13.]
DR. C: [disbelieving] So to sum up, you misappropriated thirty million
dollars in grants and spent them on...
DR. F: [reluctantly] Hamdingers.
DR. C: Hamdingers. Yuck. Now, Fluffernutter, I could understand, but...
Frankly, Forrester, I was ready to be disappointed, but the word
"disappointment" no longer seems strong enough. I hope you have
your resume updated, because--
[Alarms and buzzers similar to Movie Sign on the Satellite of Love start
going off in Deep 13.]
DR. C: [staring around wildly] What the hell is *that*?
DR. F: [weakly] Ah... the microwave burritos must be done?
DR. C: It's coming from over there.
[She advances on the Tektronic console, coming right up to the camera.]
DR. F: That's it. I'm done for.
DR. C: [pointing] What's with that guy and those cute robots? [taps the
console, then reaches over as if turning up a volume knob] Hello?
Can you hear me?
[SOL Bridge. We just see a closeup of Crow.]
CROW: Hi!
[Deep 13]
DR. C: [bemusedly] Hi.
[SOL]
CROW: [suavely] So, Doctor Crichton. You're not, ah, seeing anyone, are you?
MIKE: Crow!!
[Mike elbows him out of the way. Cambot pulls back to the usual view-
point. Mike, Tom, and Gypsy are visible.]
MIKE: Doctor, my name is Mike Nelson. I was just a temp and I was kid-
napped by Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank and shot into space com-
pletely against my will!
TOM: And they've kept us stuck up here for years! The air is stale, the
food is bad and our cable TV only picks up TNN, three home shopping
networks, CBN and VH-1!
MIKE: And worst of all, they make us watch cheesy movies! The worst they can find!
GYPSY: In the name of humanity you've gotta shut him down and bring us
back to Earth!
[Deep 13. Dr. C looks astonished. In the background Dr. F looks furious.
His expression falls apart as Dr. C turns to look at him.]
DR. C: Dr. Forrester. Is this true?
DR. F: [suddenly] Yes! I admit it! It's all true! All of it! [shame-
facedly] This project is where all that embezzled money went to.
DR. C: [still shellshocked] I suppose running a satellite that big must
be expensive.
DR. F: No, actually operations costs are very reasonable. But getting
the rights for the bad movies, now that's *murder*. [distraught]
Anyway, you've heard the entire story now. Shut me down. It's on-
ly what I deserve.
DR. C: Shut you down? [chuckling] Why, Dr. Forrester, this is the most
impressive project I've seen all year!
DR. F: What?
DR. C: Shutting it down would be a disaster for humanity. Think of all
the civilian applications your technology has!
DR. F: [still not quite believing this] Oh, yeah! Like... ah...
DR. C: ...Well...
DR. F: ...Er...
DR. C: ...Well, bunches of civilian applications.
DR. F: Right, right. Just tons.
DR. C: I can't imagine why the grants committee ever rejected it in the
first place, but rest assured I'll get that straightened out. I
think I can even get an increase in funds for you to pay for
those movie rights. [admiringly] Here I thought you'd been just
wasting time, but you've gotten more evil and insanity accom-
plished in the last two years than a lot of those drones on the
committee have done in their entire lives.
DR. F: [modestly] I do my best.
[Dr. Crichton makes a few notations on her clipboard...]
DR. C: It's been a pleasure, Doctor. We need more mad scientists like
you. Keep up the good work. If I may, I'd like to observe one or
two experiments in the future...?
DR. F: Why, that would be fine, Doctor. I'll just let my assistant out
of the reactor core, we'll go over the schedule and get back to you.
DR. C: Sounds marvelous.
[They shake hands warmly and he shows her out. Dr. F pauses at the door
a few moments, then turns around, marches right up to the camera, thumbs
his nose at it and pushes The Button.]
\ | /
\|/
---0---
/|\
/ | \
<pssssssscht>
[voiceover]
TOM: You know... irony can be really ironic sometimes.
MIKE: You know... life really *bites* sometimes.
TOM: Good point.
CROW: I still say she was cute, though.
TOM & MIKE: Shut up, Crow.
MSTed by Steve Brinich <steve-b@access.digex.net>,
Petrea Mitchell <pravn@mvp.com>, (Relief Editor)
Andrija Popovic <arp110@psu.edu>,
Mark Sachs <sachs@crayola.cse.psu.edu>,
& Spatch <spatula@unicorn.dorm.umd.edu> (Starting Editor)
Host segments by Mark Sachs
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and dead lizards are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is not
authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone. Not intended as an attack
on Stephen Ratliff, just on his writing. This article may be freely dis-
tributed as long as this notice remains intact.
If you'd like to MST some deserving piece, please e-mail <mneylon@engin.
umich.edu> with a subject line of "DIBS-SUB" to join the MUT3K dibs list.
> Shortly after the Uniforms appeared Ross got up to examine them. He
> was rewarded by two liters of a clear red liquid dropping on his head.
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