Battle For Bajor
[Web Site Number 9]
Return to Mistings Index
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(Normal Season 6 opening credits)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(<SoL Bridge> It is empty, well almost empty. It would be empty if not for
the large Vorlon standing in the middle, behind the table, just looking at
Cambot. After a couple of seconds, Crow and Tom enter, Crow from the left,
Tom from the right. They stop and do a double take, looking at the Vorlon.)
CROW: Well, *that* certainly seems out of place here.
TOM: Oh, wow! A Vorlon. I always wanted to meet one of these. (To the
Vorlon.) How are ya'?
(The Vorlon is silent.)
TOM: Well, uh, come to the Satellite often? Ain't this place so phony?
(The Vorlon remains silent.)
CROW: Not a very friendly critter, is it.
VORLON: (Wind-chime, dog barking, car crashing noises) Friendly... is
irrelevant.
(The Bots jump.)
CROW: It speaks!
TOM: (Harsh whisper.) Don't anger it Crow. (To Vorlon.) Well, do you have
a name.
VORLON: (Blender, spell-checker noise, monkey howling) Kosh.
CROW: Oh, don't that just beat all.
TOM: Crow! Hey, that's neat. (Somewhat nervous.) Eh, I think I saw a
cousin of yours on TV once. I believe his name was Kosh.
VORLON: (Pager, horn, cat meowing) We are all Kosh.
CROW (impatiently): That's nice. (To Tom.) Look, Tom, if I may. (To
Vorlon.) Mr. Kosh, if I may be so bold, I believe my colleague Tom Servo
would like to ask you, if he had a spine...
TOM: Hey!
CROW: ...is what the hell are you doing here?
(Crow flies backwards, as if hit by something.)
VORLON: (Door slamming, over-timer beeping, glass breaking) Impudent.
TOM (shaken): Uh, Mr. Kosh. I apologize for my friend's rudeness, but how
can we help you?
VORLON: (Change jingling, bells going, whistling) I seek... the one...
called Nelson.
CROW: (Coming back on stage) Mike? Jeeze, I haven't seen him for days.
TOM: Yeah, he hasn't come out of his room since... I would guess last Thursday.
CROW: Yeah! He that was the day...
TOM: The day TV's Frank smuggled that Sony Playstation up through the
Umbilicus for us...
CROW: And that copy of Final Fantasy VII.
MIKE (o.s.): How the hell do you beat this (censored) game!
CROW: He's still at it. Probably still hasn't gotten off the first disk
yet. I heard him yelling something yesterday about a Yuffie-something...
TOM: (To Vorlon) As you can see, Mr. Kosh, our friend Mike has been, well,
pre-occupied for the past week or so. In fact, I would dare to venture
that he hasn't eaten or slept since then. I'd also imagine he's lost a few
million brain cells since then...
MIKE (o.s.): Damn you, Sephiroth!
TOM: So, um, if you would like us to leave him a message or something...
VORLON: (Cow mooing, meat slammers, volcano erupting.) If he goes to
Sephiroth... he will die.
(The Vorlon silently turns to the right and heads offstage, towards the
sound of Mike's voice and the corny Final Fantasy VII music. A few seconds
later, a scuffle is heard.)
MIKE (o.s.): Hey, what are you... Wait... What are you doing! Don't
touch that plug... Get away from there! Give that back you giant cycloptic
trash compactor!
(The sound of an energy discharge is heard and the sound of what is
probably Mike being hurled into the wall.)
TOM (quietly): Oh, boy.
(The Vorlon returns onto the bridge. It is carrying Mike's Playstation and
the box for the Final Fantasy CDs. He continues off towards the left.)
MIKE (o.s., weakly): Hey, wait.
(The Vorlon stops and turns back to face the direction of Mike's voice.)
VORLON: (Ice falling in a glass, knocking on wood, jingling.) You... are
not... ready.
(The Vorlon turns and leaves. Mike can be heard groaning. Commercial
light flashes.)
CROW (disgusted): Jeeze...
TOM: We'll be right back.
(Commercials.)
(<Bridge of SoL> Mike has finally left his room after who knows how long.
Needless to say, he looks like he could stand a shave and a shower.)
CROW: *cough cough* Mike, I know you're in emotional turmoil and your eyes
haven't readjusted yet, but could you favor us and put on some clean socks,
*please!*
MIKE: (Rubbing his eyes, not comprehending what Tom said.) Wha... Oh yeah,
Tifa is kind of hot.
TOM: Just give him some time, Crow, he'll come out of it.
(Mad light starts to flash.)
MIKE: Well, nevermind. Shinra Incorporated is calling.
CROW: You sure about that, Tom.
TOM: Well, uh...
(Mike hits the mad light.)
(<Deep 13> It's the same old cluttered self. Dr. Forrester is standing in
the middle while Frank, a little off to the left and behind him, is playing
with some sort of box.)
DR. F: Ah, Cloud and AVALANCHE, glad that you could join us today.
(Giggle's evily.) You're not the only one to be addicted to a mind numbing
and highly frustrating game. In fact, I plan to use a similar concept
myself to take over the world! Unfortunately, not everyone can shell out
$250.00 for a game system and a game, so I've created one that everyone can
play, and cheaply...
<SoL>
TOM: Whatcha got there, Dr. F.
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Well, it's simple, you mindless automaton! I've taken the basic
geometric shape of a cube and turned it into a mind boggling puzzle. One
that turns the brain inside out....
<SoL>
CROW: So, basically, you've re-invented the Rubix Cube?
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Of course not. What I have here puts that blindman's toy to shame.
Mine is infinitely more challenging than that. I've given the prototype to
Frank here about ten minutes ago to be a test subject. I imagine that
within a frustrating week of no progress, Frank's brain will turn to jelly
and he'll bow before me with simple ease.
TV's FRANK: (Looking up triumphantly and holding out the box, solved.)
Finished Steve.
(Dr. Forrester has enough time to give a frustrated and angry look before
the whole lab goes dark, save for a light around Dr. F and Frank. In fact,
you cannot see Deep 13 anymore. They look around a bit before a light
slowly fades in behind them, revealing Pinhead from the "Hellraiser"
movies, sipping a cup of tea.)
PINHEAD (annoying British, nasal accent): Oh, goodie! Visitors. It's been
so long since we've had visitors. May I offer you a cup of tea?
DR. F: Da' Hell?
PINHEAD: Exactly! You're a bright boy! (Pinches his cheek. Looking up,
he sees Mike and the Bots.) Oh, and you brought friends, too. How
wonderful. How are you today?
(<SoL> Confused looks are rampant.)
CROW: Uh, fine, I guess. And you are...?
<Dark Room>
PINHEAD: (Stepping out from between the confused Dr. F. and Frank.) Oh,
how rude of me not to introduce myself. Where are my manners? My name is
Pinhead, and I'm a Cenobite. And I'll be your tour guide through Hell...
<SoL>
ALL: Hell!
MIKE: But, I've done nothing wrong. Well, save for that hentai website I made.
TOM: And your patronage of "Kindred: the Embraced."
MIKE: Yeah, well, that too...
CROW: And voting for Pat Buchanan.
MIKE: The mads made me do that!
TOM: What about the rumor that you enjoyed "Star Trek V."
MIKE: Okay, okay! I admit it! But I'm not dead yet.
<Dark Room>
PINHEAD: True, true. But Frank here, this dear boy, opened the box, hence
summoning me. Now, Hell's constitution says in Section III, Paragraph VIII
that all those who open the box must come here and suffer eternal
damnation. I know, that sucks, but I don't make the rules. Now...
(Turning to Dr. F. and Frank.) Before your damnation starts, can I give
you a tour? Yes, oh good. (Turning back to Mike and the Bots.) But,
since tours are limited, you can start your damnation right away. The big
S-man down here has been bugging me to test market this new release from
his most biggest fan, Stephen Ratliff...
<SoL>
ALL: Stephen Ratliff! NOOOOOO!
TOM: Just send us straight into the fires of Malebolge.
<Dark Room>
PINHEAD: Sorry, there's a waiting list for that. Now go into that theater
of yours and watch this most excellent piece of torture. (Turning to the
Dr. F. and Frank and escorting them away.) Now, I was think pastels. What
do you think...?
(<SoL> The lights and alarms are going wild.)
ALL: We've got Stephen Ratliff sign. Abandon all hope...
(They exit.)
*...6...5...4...3...2...0
(They enter and sit down.)
TOM: Somehow, I always knew 'ole Stephen had fans down here.
MIKE: Quiet now. We may earn brownie points out of here if we're good to him.
(Pause.)
ALL: Nah!
>Star Trek : The Next Generation
MIKE: A generation of pretty boys and hardbodies.
TOM: Except for when you see Riker running down the hall. Then he looks
like Homer Simpson.
CROW: You know, I have to wonder what Hell could possibly throw at us after
surviving "The Only Constant"?
>Battle For Bajor
>(revised version)
>By Stephen Ratliff
CROW: I had to ask.
TOM: Wait a minute! We've already read this one.
MIKE: Uh, Tom, it says "revised version."
TOM: Oh, I see. AHHHHH!
CROW (croaking): Liberate et-tu me...
>A revision of his story A Gul's Revenge
>A story in the Marrissa Stories
TOM: A redundancy in the redundancy.
>Our Story thus far . . .
ALL: (Making the "Wayne's World" flashback noise and Mike is making the
appropriate hand gestures.)
>(Enterprized)
> The Enterprise-D under Captain Jean-Luc Picard has been ordered
>to time travel into the past
MIKE: Where time keeps on slipping into the future.
> to retrieve the Enterprise-C from the
>Romulans, who plan to use it for some plan of their own.
MIKE: And the plan to make plans for part of their plans for their plans...
oh, forget it.
> Toward that
>end Captain Picard has taken an inventor of a new cloaking device
>aboard, Wesley Crusher.
TOM (Picard): Dear God, why me?
> The cloaking device however could not encompass the whole ship
>so the saucer will had to be left behind.
CROW: Must have been designed during the eighties. Things didn't work so
well then.
> However the Captain needed
>all the personnel he can get so he could take and crew the Enterprise-C.
>Wesley suggests the Enterprise's Kid's Crew,
MIKE: They laugh at him for it, thinking it a joke at first. But then
awing silence fills the room as the creeping realization that he was
serious descends upon them like specter...
> a club of children who do
>missions on the holodeck.
CROW: "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" does not count as mission
training!
MIKE: Easy, Crow.
> Captain Picard agrees after hearing that the
>leader of the Kid's Crew, an almost twelve year old girl who had gotten
>trapped in a turbolift a couple years back with the Captain named
>Marrissa Flores, had a twenty-plus Kobayashi Maru time, which is
>considered exceptional and in fact is the record by about a minute.
MIKE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stephen, stop and take a breath. No need to rush.
CROW: What, you *want* to take your time with this?
MIKE: Oh, yeah. Nevermind.
> After Ambassador Spock arrives, the Enterprise stardrive departs
>for Romulus and the saucer for Deep Space Nine.
TOM: Okay, Stephen's gone from present, to past, and back to present tense
again. Make up your mind!
MIKE: It can wait, count to twenty.
TOM: One...two...three...four...
MIKE: In Greek.
TOM: Funny!
> The Enterprise stardrive traveled back in time and rescued both
>the Enterprise-C and Lieutenant Tasha Yarr.
MIKE: Wow! Time travel. Something completely different.
TOM (disgusted): Not!
> Meanwhile
CROW: ...in beautiful Skokie, Illinois...
> the saucer
>encountered a Cardassian warship deep in Federation space, which
>Marrissa disabled and engraved the phrase,
TOM: "All hail the West Side Connection."
> 'I was beaten by a bunch of
>kids' in their hull.
CROW: Oh, Marrissa's Sailor Moon all of a sudden.
> The Enterprise-C and the Enterprise-D stardrive returned to
>Federation space by way of Captain Kirk's time.
MIKE: These words put together in that order make no sense, Steve.
> A Romulan warbird
>screamed a cross
CROW (screaming): Jesus died for your sins, child!
PINHEAD (v.o.): There'll be none of that, thank you.
> the neutral zone demanding the return of the
>Enterprise-C. They were placated by the return of their captured
>officers.
MIKE: And with snowcones.
> Meanwhile the Enterprise-D saucer section was had a hard time
>getting docked
CROW: The Teamsters were picketing.
> and the Cardassian Commander had an even harder time
>getting his demands across.
TOM (drive-thru voice): I'm sorry, could you repeat your order please?
MIKE (Cardassian): Forget the burger! All I really want is a Pepsi.
> The Enterprise-D stardrive and the
>Enterprise-C set a coarse for Deep Space Nine but the Enterprise-D
>stardrive got delayed by a damaged Ferengi ship.
>. . . the story continues . . .
CROW: Unfortunately.
>Prologue
TOM: Again?!
> It had not been Gul Ducat's week.
CROW: The fact that the Central Command couldn't spell his name right had
him slightly miffed.
> Everything had started when he
>was assigned to attack Earth. The force had been ordered to proceed
>across the border separately.
TOM (singing): With or without reason...
> They were suppose to met in the graveyard
>of ships at Wolf 359.
MIKE: And dig them up as a Halloween gag on the Fedies.
> Of the 30 ships, only 10 had made it and those
>were quickly defeated by a Star Fleet Taskforce lead by the starship
>Hood.
CROW: Starships in tights.
TOM: Tight tights!
> Gul Ducat's Akane had the distinction of being the first of
>those ships to be captured.
MIKE (Dukat): Am I good or what? Who's the king... Wait a minute, this is
bad!
> The Akane had left a Miranda Class starship
>drifting lifeless in its wake by the time it encountered the Enterprise
>saucer section. It had looked like an easy target.
ALL (singing): I'm alone and an easy target...
> A saucer section
>crewed by a bunch of children. How much could they do?
MIKE: Ever see "Village of the Damned"?
> Plenty it had turned out.
CROW: They burned off his hair with a blowtorch, smashed his head with an
iron, threw a paintcan in his face...
> He still wasn't sure how they had
>evaded fire and disabled first his engines, then his weapons, and
>finally his shields.
TOM: They were using the Heart of Gold's improbabilty drive.
> That wasn't what grated his soul
CROW: ...over a plate of pasta.
MIKE: Losing to Marrissa is like masturbating with a cheese grater,
slightly amusing but mostly painful.
> an made him cry
>out for revenge, though.
TOM: It was the constant delay and lack of public consideration by Rhino
Records that did that.
> It was the inscription the young girl in
>command had carved with her phasers on the Akane's hull. An inscription
>that no one could seem to remove.
TOM: Oh please, it's an ingraving! It's not like it's the friggin mark of
the beast.
> "I was beaten by a bunch of kids."
>
>xvb
>Chapter One
MIKE: Scene Four.
TOM: "Angels and ministers of grace, defend us."
PINHEAD (v.o.): Next one to say something like that, and I'll substitute
this story for nude pictures of Louis Anderson.
ALL: We'll be good.
PINHEAD (v.o.) *ahem*
MIKE: In a figurative sense.
> Marrissa stood by the window in the Captain's Ready Room.
CROW (Marrissa): My God, there's a man on the nacell!
> While
>she wasn't crying at the moment, she had been. Her parents were dead.
TOM: Her long oppressive nightmare of nine o'clock bedtimes and brussle
sprouts was over. She was now free to roam and rule the galaxy at her whim.
>She was avoiding going to her quarters. There were just too many
>memories haunting the place.
MIKE: "Rihsab."
CROW: I thought we agreed never to mention "The Haunted" ever again.
> Since the Ready Room was her domain
TOM (Marrissa): Help! I'm trapped in AOL.
>
>until
>Captain Picard returned with the stardrive, the twelve year-old girl
>stayed there most of the time,
MIKE: Picard caught her drinking and dancing on a table in Ten-Forward and
grounded her good!
> next to the bridge of the ship she was
>commanding. A ship that she had been so proud to command that she had
>never said good-bye.
CROW (confused): I'll take your word for it.
> Marrissa didn't know what she'd do when Captain Picard returned.
TOM (Homer Simpson): I'm going to get really drunk and party all night!
>With her parent's deaths she had lost everything, a mother, a father, a
>home, the stars.
MIKE: People must have gotten tired of praying for George Bailey.
> She'd always dreamed of commanding a starship. Now
>after obtaining that dream for a short while, she had lost it all.
CROW: Saaayyyy...
MIKE: Knock it off, Crow.
> Now
>she was destined to be sent off the ship to some foster home. If she
>every go command again it would be of a freighter, most likely.
TOM: If the audience is lucky, she'll get the Event Horizon.
> What
>was she kidding herself, if she ever got IN a starship again it would be
>as a passenger.
CROW: We could only wish.
>Captain's Log
MIKE: No bathroom jokes, guys.
BOTS: Aww.
>STARDATE 47576.71
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording.
TOM (Picard): Charlie is near, I can feel 'em.
> The USS Enterprise is resuming its course to Deep Space Nine
>after assisting a damaged Ferengi freighter. At DS9 we will pick up the
>saucer section and await orders.
MIKE: And your court-martial for placing a TWELVE-YEAR OLD IN COMMAND!
> "Counselor at one time I thought I had everything," Captain
>Picard said,
CROW (Picard): Then I took that role in "Masterminds" and it kinda went
downhill from there...
> standing by a window in a lounge on the stardrive, a cup of
>earl grey in his hand. Counselor Troi was sitting on a couch with her
>own herbal tea in had.
MIKE: Scalding her hand severly because she forgot to put it in a cup.
> "A career, a command, a little excitement every
>once in a while, the stars..."
TOM: This is not my beautiful starship!
> "But you want something more," Troi prompted after a moment's
>silence.
MIKE: What, she had to think about that?
TOM: Even in text format, I can see the "tilt" sign flashing on Troi's head
right now.
> "I once believed that this ship was my home, this crew, my
>family," Picard stated.
CROW: The replicator, his wife.
> "And now..."
> "And now I'm not sure anymore.
TOM (Picard): I find myself strangely attracted to Worf...
> In the next five or so
>years,
>I'll probably be forced into a promotion off the Enterprise,"
MIKE: *Oh*. Captain Humble has to be *forced* into a promotion.
> Picard
>mused. "All I'll have are memories,
ALL (singing): In the corner of my mind, of the way things were.
> no legacy, no one to carry the
>Picard name on in the stars."
CROW: He's sulking like Achilles in his tent.
> "What about your nephew Rene?" Troi asked. "From what you've
>told me, he's interested in Star Fleet."
TOM: Uh, Stephen, remember a movie called "Generations"?
MIKE: This was written before that.
TOM: But this is a revision.
MIKE: Good point.
> "Rene, despite his current interest,
CROW: ...is a good market investment.
> will probably follow in his
>father's footsteps," Picard dismissed. "Someone has to run the
>vineyard. And it's much too early to tell what his baby sister Theresa
>will do. Plus..."
MIKE (Picard): He's dead. Oh, yeah.
> "... Plus what?"
> "Counselor, have you ever read James T. Kirk's logs?"
ALL: Eww!
> "I'm familiar with them."
TOM: Biblically?
> "In one of them following the Genesis Incident, he states that
>the Enterprise felt like a house with all the children gone,"
CROW: You mean the parents are having sex everynight as loudly as they want?
> Picard
>recalled. "Until this mission, I never realized what an important part
>of the Enterprise children are..."
MIKE (Picard): Chick bait.
> "Bridge to Captain Picard," Lieutenant Yarr's voice interrupted.
TOM (Yarr): Um, how do you turn off the self-destruct?
>"Priority One call for assistance from Deep Space Nine. They are
>expecting Cardassian attack in the next two hours."
MIKE: And the caterers haven't arived yet!
> "Increase speed to maximum," Picard ordered. "And get me
>Commander Sisko."
CROW (Picard): And get me a bowl of Fruit Brute.
> Counselor Troi exited the lounge as Sisko came up on the
>lounge's viewscreen. "Captain Picard, its been a while."
TOM (Sisko): There's still that issue over the twenty bucks you owe from
our Superbowl bet.
> "About a year," Picard responded. "I hear you have Cardassians
>on the way."
MIKE: Congratulations.
> "A dozen, ETA one hour fifty minutes," Sisko responded. "I
>assume you are inquiring about our defensive situation as you are the
>senior officer in the area."
CROW (Picard, sarcastically): No, I was calling to find out if you have any
tickets for "Rent." Whadda' think I'm calling for, you ninny.
> Picard nodded.
TOM: ...off to sleep.
> "The Arizona and the
>Enterprise-C are in dock as is your saucer section. The Roanoke has
>given us an ETA of thirty minutes. The Surak is due back from the Gamma
>quadrant in two hours and the Intrepid has that as a ETA as well. The
>Hood has given us an ETA of two ten. "
MIKE: Let's go to the diagram...
> "Send the Enterprise-C and the Roanoke to guard Bajor," Picard
>said. "We should be there in ten minutes.
CROW: Depending on traffic.
> Use my saucer section to
>evacuate you civilians. Young Marrissa should be able to get them away
>safely."
TOM: Oh, shut up crypto-Brit.
> "Agreed. I saw the warship she defeated earlier this week,"
>Sisko said. "I know some Captains who couldn't do as well. And she's
>only twelve."
CROW (singing): She's the reason, the reason I can't sleep at night.
> "I know. I wouldn't deliberately send her into battle, but if
>the battle comes to her, I know she can handle it," Picard said.
ALL: *sigh*
> "Anything else?" Sisko enquired.
> "No, I think this is one of those on the fly battles, so be
>ready for improvision," Picard finished.
MIKE (laughing): You have *got* to be kidding me!
CROW: We're Marines. We don't plan, we improvise!
> "Understood, Deep Space Nine out."
TOM (Sisko): I don't know what's crazier, Picard's advice or me following it?
> As soon as Commander Sisko cut off the channel to Captain Picard
>he
CROW: ...made a very rude hand gesture to the viewscreen.
> got up and enter Ops. Major Kira was by the Main Table and Chief
>O'Brien and Lieutenant Dax were at their stations. Odo had just arrived
>at Ops to deliver the daily security report.
MIKE & TOM: (Making gunfire, explosion, and general chaos in the distant
background.)
TOM (Odo): We really need to start putting bars on the prison doors, sir.
> Benjamin Sisko began,
>"Odo, began an orderly evacuation of the civilian population to the
>Enterprise-D saucer section. Marrissa Flores,
MIKE: *Is* Rosemary's Baby.
> who is in command there,
>will tell you who to coordinate with. Chief O'Brien, what is the status
>of our runabouts?"
CROW (O'Brien): That dillhole Bashir stuck a potato in the exhaust pipes.
> "The Ganges and Rio Grande are fine, but the Orinoco needs its
>impluse engine replaced," Miles O'Brien said as Odo left Ops.
TOM (Odo): Excuse me Captain, I'm gonna go practice shapeshifting in Kira's
underwear drawer.
> "I'm
>awaiting parts due in on the Enterprise-D stardrive."
> "Kira, you will be piloting the Ganges, Dax the Rio Grande,"
CROW (Sisko): Miles, you pilot the Turtle Creek.
>Sisko said. "Inform the Roanoke and Enterprise-C that they are to move
>to guard Bajor, per Captain Picard's orders. The Enterprise-D and the
>Arizona will assist in ours."
MIKE: Our what?
TOM: Bake sale?
>
>xvb
>Chapter Two
CROW: Dead By Dawn.
>Military Log
>Cardassian Seventh Order
>Gul Ducat commanding.
MIKE (Dukat): And I have to remind myself of it becuase I have low self-esteem.
> In less than an hour,
TOM (Dukat): I will be at grandmother's house. So, shut up, you kids!
> we will arrive at Terok Nor. We intend to
>take it by force of arms. Our intelligence informs us that its defenses
>consists of just
MIKE (Dukat): A Greenpeace flotilla. This should be fun.
> three starships and a saucer section of another. We
>have a dozen warships and we will destroy them.
CROW: Apparently "Dukat" is a pseudonym for Henry Kissenger.
>
> "Good Morning, Constable Odo," Jay Gordon said from the
>Enterprise's Bridge.
MIKE: Transition, please.
> Odo was in his office pulling up evacuation plans.
>"I heard we have Cardassians coming."
TOM: Congratulations.
> "Where is Marrissa Flores?" Odo said. "I was informed that she
>was in command."
CROW: And she's got some weird policies, too. What's with this "666"
insignia she's making everyone wear?
> "She's not due up for another hour,
MIKE: She's a humpback whale?
CROW: Of all the titles Stephen has bestowed upon her, that's the weirdest.
> but I can get her," Jay
>stated.
> "I think you can start things for me,"
TOM: Just set the oven to 350s.
> Odo said. "Commander
>Sisko wants the civilian population of this station evacuated aboard
>your ship. He suggests Methos Prime
CROW: A planet where freshmakers evolved from men!
> as a destination."
> "I'll get on it right away," Jay said. "Set up six transporter
>coordinates.
MIKE (Jay): Jenny McCarthy's, Pamela Anderson, Kathy Ireland's, Kate
Moss's, Claudia Schiffer's and Terri Hatcher's bedrooms.
> That and the docking port is about all the boarding I
>think this crew can handle."
> "I'll send you coordinates," Odo replied.
> "Okay, Enterprise out."
>
> The door chimed.
TOM: The postman always rings twice.
> "Another minute, Mom," a sleepy girl
>responded. Marrissa had spent the night in the Ready Room. She
>couldn't bear spending time in her quarters, there were just too many
>memories of her late parents there. The door chimed again. "All right
>come in," Marrissa responded sitting up and automatically beginning to
>put her hair up in her usual ponytail.
CROW: You know, if Marrissa were to become a goddess, I'd imagine this
ponytail would become the dress code for her clergy.
MIKE: Wanna take a break, guys?
BOTS: Sure.
(They leave the theater.)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(<SoL Bridge> Crow and Tom are just standing there.)
CROW: You know, I've been thinking...
TOM: That's new for you.
CROW: And I was wondering, it's clearly obvious that the next step for
Stephen to take Marrissa is godhood.
TOM: Not much else left. We've already seen her become an admiral, in
charge of all Kids Crews in Starfleet, and even an heir to a planet's
throne. And lets not forget the countless awards and ceremonies she
graciously accepted for all good citizenship.
CROW: If slaughtering Romulans on a holocaust level counts as good
samaritanship, yes.
TOM: But what's your point, Crow.
CROW: Well, I'm just trying to picture what Marrissa's ascension into the
heavens would be like. There would have to a great visual affect to it.
TOM: Goes well with the motive.
CROW: But what would it be like?
TOM: Well, since she would probably reign over all the pain and chaos in
the universe, her apotheosis would be surrounded with dark imagery. Let's
see... Oh, I got it. The dead would rise and feast on the living. The
unborn would claw their way out of their mother's wombs. Panic and terror
would dominate the streets of every city on the world. And meanwhile,
Marrissa, standing there amongst the carnage and surrounded by a circle of
fire, would give out a laugh sounding like all the screams in a White
Zombie CD, would then be engulfed by a column of pure darkness. Then a
terrific explosion would take place for miles around, raining fallout and
bodies all throughout the countryside. But we would see Marrissa, unfazed,
with her ponytail unsinged, taken up into the cosmos by some creatures that
came straight from a Gary Gygax book cover. You think?
(Crow just stares at him for a moment.)
CROW: You are really twisted, you know that?
(Alarms go off.)
BOTS: Fanfic sign! Oh no!
*...6...5...4...3...2...0
(They enter the theater.)
MIKE: So, what were you guys talking about just then?
CROW: A compelling argument for agnosticism.
> Jay Gordon entered. He'd been up and commanding the Enterprise
>for two hours. "Good Morning Marrissa,"
MIKE (Marrissa): Good morning, HAL.
> the young boy said
>as he handed
>a PADD with the latest ship updates.
CROW (Jay): That flaming decal you wanted painted on is going to run
another five hundred...
> "How can you be so cheerful at 0750 hours?" Marrissa asked,
ALL: Prozac!
>taking the PADD as she walked over to the replicator. "One tall glass
>of orange juice
MIKE: Orange juice? She must have given up the strawberry juice for Lent.
> and a bowl of rice krispies with two percent milk and
>sliced strawberries. Do you want anything, Jay?"
TOM (Jay): Yeah, but it's not on the menu... Oh.
> "No I already ate," Jay responded. "Commander Sisko needs us to
>evacuate the civilians of Deep Space Nine, fast."
> "Can you and Clara handle it?" Marrissa asked. "It looks like I
>better work on contingency plans."
CROW (Marrissa): Or I could just shed my mortal coil and use my fully
divinity... Nah, too easy.
> "I think so, but you might need Clara," Jay said.
> "It will be an hour before I get far enough to need her,"
>Marrissa said. "Get to work, Jay."
MIKE: Jawohl, meine Fuhrerin!
>
> Clara Sutter beamed up the first people from Deep Space Nine.
TOM: It was *wonderful*.
>Among them was Keiko and Molly O'Brien, and Jake Sisko. "Mrs. O'Brien,
CROW: Can I interest you in a set of flobies?
>Jake can you assist me?" Clara asked.
> "What can we do?" Keiko asked.
MIKE (Clara): Well, Marrissa has demanded an altar built to her by 1200
hours and a blood sacrifice...
> "Do you know how to operate a transporter?" Clara inquired.
> "Yes, you don't have an engineer for a husband without learning
>something," Keiko replied.
TOM (Keiko): I learned that sponges can be used in a variety of ways.
> "Then you can beam people aboard and Jake can assign them
>quarters," Clara ordered. "I've got to check on the docking port. When
>you are done, let Jake take Molly to your quarters, you got your old
>ones, and report to the bridge. Marrissa wants to see you."
CROW: The look of dread that must have just crossed Keiko's face...
(shuddering)
>
> "Marrissa," Jay Gordon said, to his commanding officer from the
>traditional seat of the first officer on the bridge. "With the
>exception of three Ferengi,
MIKE (Jay): We all believe that you should be killed before you can breed.
CROW: Unfortunately, that is just a few stories up the road.
ALL: *groan*
> all civilians are aboard. Permission to
>take an away team to retrieve them?"
ALL: BWHAHAHAHA!
> "Permission granted," Marrissa said. "Have Jake Sisko assist if
>possible."
> "Alexander," Jay said as he left his seat. The two boys entered
>the forward turbolift.
TOM: Wait! It's broken!
MIKE & CROW: (Yelling as if falling down a shaft.)
>
> Jay Gordon entered the transporter room with Alexander. "Jake
>how would you like to help me retrieve three Ferengi," Jay asked.
ALL: BWHAHAHAHA!
> "Sure," Jake replied.
> "Alex, give Jake a communicator and three extras," Jay said.
>"And issue us phasers, not that I'm planing on using them,
TOM: Nudge nudge, wink wink.
> but it may
>help them take us more seriously." The three stepped up on to
>transporter disks and Jay continued, "Beam us to Quarks."
> As the three boys disappeared Keiko muttered to Molly, "I knew
>Quark would cause a problem."
MIKE (Molly): You know nothing. Shut up, puny adult!
> "Quark you where supposed to leave here an hour ago," Odo said.
CROW (Odo, desperate): Come on, go. I wanna score with Kira tonight...
TOM: Hey, who doesn't.
>As this did not move the Ferengi he continued. "The Enterprise is
>waiting for you, Quark."
> "Let them go, I'm staying here," Quark said.
MIKE (Quark): I can't miss the season premier of "ER."
> Jake Sisko, Jay Gordon and Alexander beamed into Quark's. "How
>can we help you, Odo?" Jay asked.
CROW (Odo): By jettisoning yourself into the void.
> "Mr. Quark and his family don't want to leave," Odo said.
> "I don't see that he has any choice," Jay Gordon said.
TOM: As he withdrew a lead pipe.
> He
>motioned for Jake to go around the Ferengi and tapped his communication
>lightly. Jake moved around and behind the Ferengi.
MIKE (Jake): So Quark, ever see "Deliverance"?
> "Quark apparently disagrees," Odo said. "Not that it would help
>him."
TOM: Did we step into mob movie all of a sudden?
> "Help him," Rom said. All eye were on Jay, Odo, and Alexander
>who was standing between the two.
> "The way I see it you either go with these gentlemen, or ...,"
>Odo said.
CROW: As Odo put on some brass knuckles.
> "The gentlemen stun you," Alexander said as he and Jay drew
>their phasers, "and beam you abroad.
> Meanwhile Jake had attached all three communicators and now
>signaled Jay.
> "See you later Odo," Jay said tapping his communicator.
MIKE: That's not how the rhyme goes.
> "Six to
>beam up Mrs. O'Brien."
CROW: Are we watching hentai all of a sudden?
>
>xvb
>Chapter Three
MIKE: The Dream Warriors.
> Jay Gordon, Jake Sisko, Alexander, Quark, Rom, and Nog
>materialized on the transporter platform. "Jake see to our guests," Jay
>said. "Mrs. O'Brien, Alexander, I believe we are wanted on the bridge."
TOM: We don't have a bridge.
CROW: No bridge?
TOM: Just a tower.
CROW: Why the hell aren't I notified about these things?!
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the "Airplane II" skit.
CROW: Slightly reversed.
>Keiko handed Molly to Jake. The aforementioned threesome left for the
>bridge.
> Quark called after them, "I'm reporting this."
MIKE: Statutory beamup. Five to ten.
> The threesome
>entered the turbolift as Quark stood angrily at the door of the
>transporter room.
> "To who Quark?" Jake asked. "Odo certainly isn't going to do
>anything."
TOM: He's a Chicago cop.
> "To this ship's chief of security," Quark replied.
> "The Klingon kid is the security chief," Jay said.
MIKE: There has got to be some sort of child-labor law against that.
> "The Commanding officer then."
> "Who do you think told them to beam down to get you. Come on
>Quark, your quarters are this way."
CROW (Jay): The nurses here are very nice, Mr. Quark.
>
> Marrissa was sitting in the Command Chair of the Enterprise's
>bridge,
TOM (Marrissa, pondering): Marrissa the Great... No. Marrissa the Bold...
Not majestic enough. Marrissa the Conqueror... Hmmm.
> when Jay and Alexander returned the bridge with Mrs. O'Brien.
>Patterson Supra was sitting at CONN
MIKE: What the hell is she doing in Connecticut?
> and Ro Nyres was at Ops. "I've got a
>job for you, Mrs. O'Brien," Marrissa said.
CROW (mob voice): I need ya ta whack 'em. Whack 'em good.
> "Ever since they came on
>board my passengers have been bothering me.
MIKE (Marrissa): They refuse to acknowledge my godhood.
> I have to admit the a
>twelve year-old's voice and certainly presence is not easy for adults to
>obey."
TOM: They first voice of reason so far in this story.
> "So you want me to be your Liaison Officer to your passengers,"
>Keiko concluded.
> "Exactly," Marrissa said.
CROW (Marrissa): I'm just too important to interact with the peasants.
> "You can use one of the aft science
>stations. Jay since you have returned to the Bridge, can I assume
>everyone is aboard?"
> "You can," Jay replied.
MIKE: But I wouldn't recommend it.
> "Alex, inform Deep Space Nine's Ops Center that we are
>departing," Marrissa ordered.
> "They acknowledge," Alexander Rozhenko replied.
> "CONN,
TOM (Kirk): You bloodsucker!
> undock from the station and pilot us clear," Marrissa
>ordered.
>
>Captain's Log
>USS Enterprise-D stardrive
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording
MIKE (Picard): What in the hell do I have to do to get a drink in this part
of the galaxy?
> After arriving in the Bajoran System, I have assumed command of
>all the starships gathered there.
CROW (Picard): They laughed at me. Can't say I blame them.
> None of the four captains senior to
>me are likely to arrive before the battle begins,
TOM: But wouldn't logic dictate, as Picard captains the flag ship, he would
be the senior captain *anywhere*?
MIKE: Your head isn't going to explode, is it Tom?
TOM: I'm fine, Mike.
> and no Admirals are in
>the area. I have assigned the Roanoke and the Enterprise-C to guard
>Bajor. The Arizona will assist me in guarding Deep Space Nine. (Note
>to self,
CROW (Picard): Shower first *then* put on clean clothes.
> write supporting letter for upgrading Deep Space Nine's
>defenses.) The saucer section has evacuated the civilian population of
>Deep Space Nine and is on its way out of the system.
MIKE (announcer's voice): She's out of the system!
> A dozen Cardassian warships dropped out of warp in the Bajoran
>system.
ALL: (Car skidding noises.)
> Six of them headed toward Bajor. Five turned toward Deep Space
>Nine and the remaining ship headed after the Enterprise-D saucer
>section. Captain Picard saw this and ordered,
CROW: A Big King.
> "Open a hailing frequency
>to the commander of the Cardassian forces."
> "Gul Ducat on screen," Lieutenant Yarr responded.
ALL: (Making the Arsinio Hall noise.)
> Picard began, "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation
>Starship Enterprise. Gul Ducat, as senior Star Fleet officer in the
>Bajoran System I must ask for you intentions towards Bajor, my fleet,
>and Deep Space Nine."
MIKE: Isn't it obvious?
> "I intend to take Bajor and Terok Nor," Gul Ducat responded. "I
>also intend to destroy the Enterprise saucer section. Anyone who stands
>in my way can expect to die."
TOM: Oh, well that sounds resonable.
> "Bajor is a Federation Protectorate,
CROW: Hey, Mike. You know what I just realized? The spelling in this
story has been, for the most part, CORRECT!
MIKE: Score one for the Virginia school system.
> and Deep Space Nine a Star
>Fleet run station," the Captain informed. "Any attempt to destroy or
>take them or my saucer section is an act of war.
CROW (Picard): And you don't want me to go into my Ready Room, do you?
> Looking at recent
>events, I don't think Cardassia could stand a war right now."
> "Cardassia can stand what ever the Federation throws at it,"
MIKE: Except the hanging curve ball.
> Gul
>Ducat shot back. "I will give you thirty seconds to retreat and leave
>Bajor, Deep Space Nine, and the Enterprise saucer section to me."
> "I'm afraid I can't do that," Picard replied.
> "Then you will die," Ducat said, cutting the channel.
TOM: (Tongue sticking-out noise.)
> "He's welcome to try," Picard muttered
MIKE: Oh, who the hell are you all of a sudden?
> and turned to give
>orders.
CROW: Run like hell!
> "Ready all weapons, raise shields, and move to intercept the
>lead warship heading toward Deep Space Nine."
> "Captain, what about the saucer section?" Yarr asked.
TOM (Picard): What about it... Oh yeah, right.
> "We have to protect the station and Bajor," Picard responded.
>"Only one ship is going after the saucer. The saucer has a large lead,
>and Marrissa has shown that she can handle one warship."
ALL: (Everyone just shakes their heads.)
TOM: I need another break.
CROW: Yeah, this one's really getting to me.
(They all leave the theater.)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(<SoL Bridge> They're all just standing around.)
CROW: Well, here we are, trapped in Hell.
MIKE: Yeah.
CROW: It's not quite what I expected.
TOM: Well, what did you expect?
CROW: Well, I don't know? Perhaps something more Dante-ish. An occasional
flame or Ted Nugent song once and a while. But you know, it's just been
the Satellite of Love and this god-awful story.
TOM: Isn't that enough?
MIKE: Well, don't forget, we still haven't seen Hell-proper quite yet.
It's probably quite different down there.
(Mad/Hell light blinks.)
MIKE: Oh, speak of the devil.
TOM: That was really bad, Mike.
(Mike shrugs and hits the light.)
(<Hell> Dr. F. and Frank are still on tour with Pinhead, although it's
still dark everywhere.)
PINHEAD: ...and over here is where we torture the soul. (Looking up.) Oh,
hello there Mr. Nelson. I'm glad I caught you now. I want you people to
meet somebody. One, of our more famous clienteles.
<SoL>
CROW: Bill Gates?
MIKE: Harold P. Warren?
TOM: Yahoo Serious?
<Hell>
PINHEAD: No no no. They're not due down here for a couple of months.
(A light comes on to the right, revealing a Fish & Chips store. A woman is
behind the counter, with her back turned to us. Pinhead walks up to the
counter, with Frank and Dr. F. close behind.)
PINHEAD: Every once and a while, we need somebody to deliver our message
and carry our evil into the physical world for us. This lovely woman
here...
WOMAN: Grrrr....
PINHEAD: ...has been one of our most successful agent on your earth in the
twentieth century.
<SoL>
CROW: I still say it's Bill Gates.
<Hell>
PINHEAD: No, it's worse. Please allow me to introduce... Pauline Hanson.
(The woman turns around, revealing the infamous Australian.)
PAULINE: Can I take your order please?
(<SoL> Panic is abound.)
ALL: AHHHHHGGGGG!
CROW: Not *the* Pauline Hanson. The racist pig-mother of that hellspawn
bee-bop trio.
MIKE (gasping for breath): *The* Hansons? How could you be that evil?
(<Hell> Pinhead is modestly embarrassed. Dr. F. and Frank are shocked by
the reveal and are cowering in the "corner.")
PINHEAD: Oh, it wasn't just me. I can't take all the credit.
PAULINE: I don't understand. Could you repeat the question?
PINHEAD: Nobody is talking to you. Anyway, what do you think?
<SoL>
MIKE: People... must be... warned.
<Hell>
PINHEAD: Oh, it's too late for that. You see, Mrs. Hanson is now a member
of the Australian parliament. She's just down here for a little
debriefing.
PAULINE: I don't understand. Could you repeat the question?
(Pinhead is now visibly frustrated with her. He turns back to Mike.)
PINHEAD: Well, it won't bother you so much soon, for this story will make
your souls mine. Right Pauline?
PAULINE: I don't understand. Could you repeat the question?
(Pinhead clenches his fists and gives her a real dirty look.)
(<SoL> Everyone is trying to recover.)
TOM: Who could have know that evil could be this evil.
(Alarms and lights go off.)
ALL: Fanfic sign. Oh, the humanity.
*...6...5..4...3...2...0
(They enter and sit down.)
TOM: Ah, man! Hell really sucks!
>xvb
>Chapter Four
MIKE: A New Beginning.
> The Enterprise-D saucer section was almost out of the Bajoran
>System when Alexander announced, "Captain, we have a tail."
CROW (Alexander): Should I chase it?
> "We do," Marrissa replied, "put them on screen." Marrissa
>looked closely at the ship. "Magnify, centering on the port blade, 10
>times. I want to see if this is who I think it is."
TOM (Marrissa): Oh, nope. It's not Fabio.
> The inscription 'I
>lost to a bunch of kids' was clearly visible. "Fire Torpedoes, Alex.
>Patterson, begin torpedo defense plan Alpha Four A. Nyres, go to
>evasive pattern Mozart Symphony number 3.
BOTS (singing): Nobody's home! Nobody's home!
MIKE: Guys, I think that's Beethoven.
CROW: Doesn't matter. It's still appropriate.
MIKE: How true.
> Clara give us all the
>speed
>you have. We've got civilians to get out of harms way." The Bridge
CROW: Over the River Kwai.
> of
>the Enterprise erupted in activity.
TOM: Oxycute them!
>
> Gul Ducat was attempting to close in on the saucer section.
>"Faster helmsman," he ordered, moving towards the helm.
CROW: Kill, kill.
> "We can't go any faster," the Helmsman replied.
> "Do you want to die, Helmsman?" the Gul asked, placing his face
>up against the helmsman's ear. The Helms man indicated that he did not.
>"Then you better go faster."
CROW: Does that qualify as sexual harassment?
MIKE: Taken in a certain context, yes.
> "Gul," the weapons officer interrupted. "the enemy saucer
>section has opened fire on us. They are launching torpedoes."
TOM (Dukat): Those bastards!
> "Return fire with torpedoes," Gul Ducat replied as the view of
>the Enterprise saucer grew larger on the Cardassian's main view screen
CROW (Wayne): Extreme close-up!
ALL: WHOOOOOAHHHH!
>
> Commander Sisko stared at the viewscreen.
MIKE: It would be more beneficial if he turned it on, though.
> There was not
>much he
>could do, other than watch.
CROW (motherly voice): It's a beautiful day outside, young man. Go out and
do something more constructive than sitting around all day staring at the
viewscreen.
> Despite his repeated requests for
>updated
>weapons, they were still not authorized. So he stood and watched.
TOM (Sisko): Ooooh. "Babylon 5" is on.
> Right now, the Arizona was taking on two Cardassian warships.
>One was running past the Arizona toward the opening wormhole. The
>Nebula class starship Surak was emerging, its weapons glowing.
MIKE: More thrilling battle action, the Ratliff way.
>
>Under
>the Surak's broadside, the Cardassian warship split right down the
>middle.
TOM: I see Starfleet is still using tactics developed during the Battle of
Hangš.
> Another warship streaked by,
CROW: How indecent!
> being chased by the Enterprise-D
>stardrive.
TOM: (Car-zooming-by noises.)
> Sisko had always thought that Galaxy class starships looked
>strange without there saucers, but he had to admit that they were
>effective as a volley of phasers and photon torpedoes scored the top of
>the Cardassian warship with deep black groves.
MIKE: "Groves"? They're growing fruit on the ships?
>
> Commander Riker was sitting in the center seat on the
>Enterprise-C.
CROW (Riker): Wow, the comfy chair! The chicks are going to flock to me now.
> He'd always wanted to command an Enterprise, but he had
>assumed that it would be the Enterprise-D or one of its successors.
>Well here he was commanding an Enterprise, and he wasn't going to let
>anyone take this Enterprise again.
TOM: Not even Picard.
> Especially those six Cardassians
>approaching the Enterprise-C and the Nebula class starship Roanoke.
> "Message from Captain Szustakowski on the Roanoke," Worf
>announced.
CROW (Worf): They're asking if we have Prince Albert in a can.
> "We better be ready, because here they come."
MIKE: The Monkees?
> "Send reply," Riker ordered. "I'm ready for some fun."
CROW: Ah...
MIKE: We'll just leave that one to our imaginations.
>
> Meanwhile back on the saucer section of the Enterprise-D things
>where going well.
TOM: Where were things going?
CROW: You know, they're going to well.
>Torpedoes would leave the Cardassian ship at full speed, trying to
>target the Galaxy class saucer. However about halfway they encountered
>a mysterious resistance and began slowed until they ran out of fuel.
CROW: It's called a plot-contrivance field.
MIKE: Have we used that joke before?
CROW: I don't remember.
> At
>which time they drifted back into the Cardassian warship.
TOM (Dukat): D'oh!
>
> Commander Sisko surveyed the battle.
CROW (Sisko): Uh-huh. Damage.
> The Surak had destroyed
>one ship, and the Enterprise-D stardrive had forced another to retire.
TOM: It was sixty-five years old.
>Picard's crew had certainly lived up to the expectations of a crew of a
>flagship. Sisko watched as a barrage of torpedoes and phaser fire
>caused the lead Cardassian to flinch away from the station.
MIKE (Cardassian): Owie! Owie! Hot!
> Number
>wise, it was slightly in Star Fleet's favor, holding the advantage of a
>station.
TOM: NBC?
> Ship wise, here Cardassia had an advantage. The three remaining
>warships were Cardassia's latest design. The Enterprise-D and the Surak
>were two of Starfleet's latest designs, but the Arizona was a fifty year
>old design, abet one which had been recently refit.
MIKE: It was designed to look like a giant eggbeater.
> So it was the ship's commanders who held the sway of the battle.
>Captain Morris of the Arizona was a woman of quiet subtle moves,
CROW: Boy, was she ever.
> her
>deceptive movements drew her opponents in for her to kill.
MIKE (singing): Watch out boy, she'll chew you up.
> Captain
>Sovik of the Surak was a logical Vulcan, every move of his was one that
>would logically force the enemy to concede defeat.
TOM: When the enemy ship explodes, logic dictates that the enemy loses.
CROW: Logically.
> Finally Captain
>Picard of the Enterprise-D wove the other starships together,
MIKE: That's going to be one hell of a tapestry.
> his
>experienced of over thirty years allowing him to instinctively fill the
>gaps they left.
TOM: Like with this story. How do you fill in the gaps?
CROW: Easy. Hit DELETE.
> Obviously, Star Fleet hadn't chosen Picard for just his
>exploratory experience as had been rumored some years back.
MIKE: He was sleeping with his commanding officer.
>
> Around Bajor it was six to two.
TOM: AM or PM?
> Riker hadn't expected so many
>of the Cardassian warships to head to Bajor.
CROW: Riker, on the other hand, was choosen for his *ahem* "exploratory"
experience.
MIKE: *laugh*
> The wormhole and the
>station were of much more strategic importance.
TOM: The station had a bar.
> So he and Captain
>Szustakowski of the Roanoke had to deal with three ships each. Now the
>Roanoke was a Nebula only two weeks off the line, but the Enterprise-C
>was a fifty year old ship which hadn't been refit for over thirty.
CROW: See, Ratliff likes to point out all of Starfleet's disadvantages so
that more people will bow down and worship Marrissa when she saves their
sorry asses.
MIKE: Easy Crow, don't let anger grow.
CROW: Oh shut up, Yoda.
> Add
>to that the fact that Riker was use to a more powerful ship and his crew
>was the Enterprise-D's second string, and you had potential problems.
MIKE: Who, me? Hey, leave me out of this.
>However this was the flagship's second string team, and Riker had played
>the underdog before.
TOM: Who's narrating this? John Madden?
> He knew that the Cardassians would do a double take when they
>saw the Enterprise-C, a ship who hadn't been seen since 2345, more than
>twenty years ago. They'd remember her,
MIKE: She was the weird bucktooth chick with no ears.
> the flagship of the fleet that
>had lead Star Fleet to defeat them in the First Cardassian war. It was
>a ghost from their past, still gleaming with it's original paint style.
CROW: Lime green with gold decals.
MIKE: I'd do a double take too if I saw that.
>"Mister Worf, open fire," Riker ordered.
> Riker's fire caught the Cardassians not yet prepared.
ALL: WHAT?!
TOM: Are Cardassians an anagram for Iraqis?
> Their
>shields were still coming up and none of their weapons were ready, when
>Rikers barrage of torpedoes impacted their forward shields. The Roanoke
>followed the strike with a run above the Cardassian line, striking each
>ship as it cruised by.
CROW: More pay! Less hours!
MIKE & TOM: Union! Union!
> By the time the Cardassian warships returned
>fire, their shields were already down to at least fifty percent for the
>duration of the battle. Not bad for a brand new starship and a museum
>piece.
MIKE: Whatever.
>
>xvb
>Chapter Five
TOM: Assignment: Miami Beach.
> Around Bajor, the early attacks of the Roanoke and Enterprise-C
>had blunted the six Cardassian warships,
CROW (little kid): You overused my Cardassian warship crayon.
> but that in itself would not be
>enough to defeat them.
MIKE: There still has to be a justification for Marrissa's involvement in
this story.
> The six Cardassians quickly evened up the ship's
>shields. It served it's purpose, though.
CROW: Hello? Steve, what the hell are you talking about?
> The Bajorans had seen that
>Star Fleet wasn't going to leave them to fend for themselves.
> So quickly, the space above the planet filled with craft of all
>sizes. Some brand new Bajoran Assaultcraft joined their first battle.
MIKE (announcer): Ford introduceds it's ltest line in brand new Bajoran
Assaultcraft.
BOTS (singing): Like a rock...
>Old Bajoran two man craft built by short engineers
TOM: *ahem* That's "vertically challenged" engineers.
> rose up to join the
>fray. They may not have been able to do much to effect the tide of
>battle alone, but since Star Fleet was going to fight for them, they
>weren't going to go out alone.
CROW: Bajorans are masochistic.
> At first it looked like a losing battle.
MIKE: But just a little while ago Star Fleet was mopping the floor with the
Cardassians.
TOM: Yeah, Steve. Hire a continuity supervisor next time.
> Even with the Bajoran
>forces, Star Fleet was still weaker. Then the new starship Intrepid
>arrived. She was only a scout, but she was top of the line, fresh out
>of Utopia Yards.
CROW: With all leather interior and seal-beam headlights.
> Her fire rained down on the rear
TOM: Like hemorrhoids.
> of the enemy
>warships, as she steamed into battle. Some Bajoran scouts formed up
>behind her, as the Intrepid began her coarse,
CROW: Oh, poopie. Steve, we have to disqualify your spelling achievement
award now.
> weaving in and out of the
>battle,
TOM: Drunk.
> striking as she passed.
> The final straw for the Cardassians was the starship Hood.
MIKE: A real rough section of the galaxy.
>Captain DeSoto brought his Excelsior class starship in firing, taking
>out one warship within his first minute in the battle.
CROW (DeSoto): Sorry I was late. I was busy discovering the Grand Canyon.
> Riker smiled at
>his former Captain's gall as the Hood did a victory roll in the middle
>of the battle, still unleashing torpedoes as she passed.
TOM: Unfortunately, it's a German airshow so the Hood exploded and crashed.
> The Cardassians reacted, turning toward the newcomer who had
>flaunted its destruction of their comrade in arms.
MIKE (Hood): Nyah nyah ny nyah nyaaaaah.
> They set after the
>Hood, for the moment ignoring her fellow Star Fleet and Bajoran vessels.
>Riker noticed a particularly tasty target,
CROW (Homer Simpson): Mmmm. Targets.
> and ordered the Enterprise-C
>to concentrate her fire. The hit on the Cardassian's warp engines
>caused a globe of fire to engulf the warship.
TOM (Beavis): Fire! Fire! Cool.
>
> On Gul Ducat's ship, Gul Ducat requested, "Status."
MIKE: I wet 'em.
> "At Terok Nor, one ship of ours has been destroyed and another
>forced to withdraw," the first officer announced. "Gul Dywer is
>requesting permission to retreat. At Bajor, despite initial success,
CROW: "Cop Rock" has been cancelled.
> we
>have now lost two vessels, and are now facing four Star Fleet vessels
>and over two dozen small Bajoran vessels. Gul Ranor is also requesting
>permission to retreat."
TOM (first officer): They want to make a run for the border, sir.
> "Weapons are damaged and the impluse engines are off-line," the
>Engineering Officer said. "We still have warp drive and thrusters."
> "I suggest we withdraw," the first officer suggested.
MIKE (Dukat): I suggest you shut up.
> "Inform the rest of the fleet that they may withdraw, but we
>will leave after we destroy this bunch of kids," Gul Ducet sneered.
CROW (Dukat): After all, my pride is more important than all of your lives.
>
> Back on the saucer section of the Enterprise-D, Marrissa was
>receiving much better news than Gul Ducet.
MIKE: Stock market prices on Apple were up 2 1/2 points.
> "Marrissa, the enemy ship
>has lost impluse engines and all weapons systems," Alexander reported.
> "End firing and cut repulsing tractor beam field," Marrissa
>ordered.
TOM (Jay): Intimacy re-established, sir.
> "Alex see if you can add the word twice to that inscription we
>made a week ago."
> "Aye, aye, sir," the Klingon Kid smiled.
CROW (singing): Mamas, don't let your boys grow up to be Klingons.
>
> The Enterprise saucer section hovered near the powerless
>Cardassian Galor class warship. A thin phaser beam shot out to the
>inscription 'I was beaten by a bunch of kids.' It changed the period to
>a comma and then added the word 'twice'.
MIKE: Oh! That's cold.
> With that addition,
>the saucer
>section moved off, leaving the Cardassian warship drifting.
TOM: Marrissa pops the clutch into first and politely asks the Cardassians
to eat her warp field!
>
> Meanwhile on the Bridge of Gul Ducat's powerless ship, the
>weapons officer announced.
MIKE: Pizza's ready!
> "The saucer section has added to the
>inscription."
> "What did they add?" Gul Ducat said frustrated.
TOM: "Cardassian Staff Car."
> "The computer has translated the new part of the inscription to
>mean a second time," the weapons officer replied. That was the last
>straw for Gul Ducat.
CROW (Dukat): "A Very Brady Sequel"? This has gone too far!
> He went mad.
TOM: Sonia!
> The Gul picked up his rather hefty
>command chair and hurled it toward the weapons officer. Then he pulled
>his weapon a began shooting up all the consoles and view screens around
>the bridge.
MIKE (Dukat): Damn Windows 95!
> Finally someone managed to stun the enraged Cardassian and
>took him to Sickbay.
>
>Medical Log
>Cardassian Seventh Order
>Chief Medical Officer of said Order recording
CROW (Chief Medical Officer): Blue just isn't my color.
> Gul Ducat has been restrained in Sick bay following a rampage on
>the Bridge during which he killed his weapons officer and injured
>several of the other members of the bridge crew.
TOM: Then his skin split and he dove through a sewer grate, promising to
return in thirty years... Oh wait, am I thinking of the wrong character?
> I am relieving him of
>command due to insanity
MIKE: He's having sexual fantasies about Shelly Long.
> making Gul Renor the acting commander of the
>remainder of this Order.
> I recommend that Gul Ducat be committed. He shows signs of
>paranoia and delusions.
CROW: I would be too if Stephen Ratliff put me in one of his fanfics.
> For instance he believes that a blond haired
>human named Marrissa is following his every move and lives only to
>torment him.
TOM: Tom Stuart killed me! Tom Stuart killed me!
> In fact while I was talking to him he reported seeing her
>behind me and became very terrified. While I have discovered that his
>last two, (and only) defeats were delivered by a human girl named
>Marrissa, and other than this I can find no logical reason for his
>behavior.
MIKE: Well, let's think about this for a moment. Hmmm.
>
>End Recording
TOM: Great, let's take a break.
(They all leave the theater.)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(<SoL>All are on the bridge.)
TOM: Say, guys. What do you think the Battle of Armageddon will look like?
MIKE: What?
TOM: Well, since witnessing the greatest Ratliffian battle-scene ever, and
considering are present location, I got to wondering what that ultimate
battle between good and evil will look like?
CROW: Hey, maybe needleface could answer that.
MIKE: I don't know if that's a good idea...
BOTS: Oh, come on. Please.
MIKE: Well... kay!
(He hits the Mad/Hell light.)
(<Hell> They're at a giant file cabinet in a "room.")
PINHEAD: ...and let's look at your record, Dr. F. (Pulls out a huge
drawer). Hmm, number of times you've shared the gospel is rather low.
However, the number of times you've watched "Showgirls" is rather high...
(Looks up.) Ah, my playmates. Can I help you? Care for some tea?
<SoL>
MIKE: Ah, no thank you. But we just had a question. Do you have any plans
for the Battle of Armageddon.
CROW: Yeah, are Macintosh and PC users going to face off?
<Hell>
PINHEAD: Oh, I can' tell you that. That's top secret. (Thoughtful pause.)
However, we do have a couple of field agents about to set forth Hell's
mission of evil and destruction. I suppose you could see that.
(Pinhead snaps his fingers and the image fades. We are now looking at a
satellite few of earth. With a snap, the image get closer and closer to
earth. We zoom in on North America, then the US, then California, then LA.
We now see an aerial shot of a building with many people going into it.
With another snap, we are now seeing the inside of the building. It's a
Star Trek convention. Amongst all the loyal fans, one auspicious looking
character dressed in black weaves through the crowd. He approaches the
center of the crowd and gets on a podium, where the guest speaker would
normally speak, and takes the microphone.)
MIB: Everybody, please listen, this is an emergency.
(Everyone stops to listen.)
MIB: I just came by from the Babylon 5 conference down the street. And you
wouldn't believe what I heard.
(Murmuring can be heard from the crowd.)
MIB: They said that Deep Space Nine is just a rip-off of their series!
(Shocking gasps.)
MIB: They said that Rick Berman is the anti-christ and blows in comparison
to J. Mike Straczynski. And they said that if we had half-decent writers,
we wouldn't be canceling after this season.
(Anger is boiling in the crowd.)
MIB: According to them, we have no sense of continuity and cheap dialogue.
(Hateful words are heard from the crowd.)
MIB: They said the Shadows could kick the Dominion's butt and still conquer
the Federation, and it was just a cop-out for the Prophets to destroy that
Dominion fleet.
("No way!" is heard from the crowd.)
MIB: (Harsh whisper.) And you know what else they said? (Voice rises to
evangelical levels.) They said Delenn was hotter and better than Dax *and*
Kira put together!
(The crowd is in a frenzy now.)
MIB: Are we going to tolerate that!
CROWD: NO!
MIB: Then lets go get 'em!
(The crowd rushes out the door. A small, sinister smile can be seen on the
man in black. We see them charging down the street to the Babylon 5
conference. They smash through the door, and a huge blood letting begins.
Soon we see images of the riot police and the nation guard coming in to
quell the violence. Needless to say, it's not pretty. The image then
distorts back to Pinhead in Hell.)
PINHEAD: Does that answer your question?
<SoL>
TOM: Well, I don't know. Is Babylon 5 actually supposed to be the side of
goodness?
(Alarms go off.)
ALL: Fanfic sign!
*...6...5...4...3...2...0
(They all enter the theater.)
TOM: I just have a hard time picturing either of those groups as the good guy.
>xvb
>Chapter Six
MIKE: The Curse of Michael Meyers.
> The funeral for Marrissa's parents was held after the battle.
>Like many Star Fleet Officers, Marrissa's parents had chosen to be shot
>into the nearest star, after their death.
CROW: Well I'd *hope* they would wait until then. Be kind of cruel, otherwise.
> So a special torpedo
>launching rig had been set up in the main shuttle bay. The whole
>command crew attended in dress uniforms. Marrissa's Crew also came,
>dressed in new uniforms.
TOM: Yeah, Cub Scout uniforms.
> Marrissa stood, all alone to the right of her father's
>casket/torpedo casing.
CROW: Casket!
TOM: Torpedo!
CROW: Casket!
TOM: Torpedo
MIKE (announcer): Calm down, you two. It's a casket and a torpedo.
> Her face was expressionless, her eyes red.
CROW: She was hammered.
> She
>wore a plain black dress, as black as she felt.
TOM: In fact, she was black and proud.
> Marrissa stared at
>though open Shuttlebay doors at the stars.
MIKE: And exploded from the depressurization.
> It came time for the speeches before Marrissa's parents bodies
>were committed to the stars. First was her parent's commanding officer,
>Lieutenant Worf. He began,
CROW (Worf, singing): When you attend the funeral, it is sad to think that
sooner... or later that those who love you will do the same for you...
> "George and Margaret Flores were two of the
>best officers under my command. George was an eager swordsman
TOM (Worf): A real ass-kisser, actually.
>
>with his
>broadsword, a useful skill to have around even on a starship. Margaret
>was my best precision shooter.
MIKE: There is disturbing Freudian language in this speech.
> Together they had served on the
>Enterprise since before it was commissioned.
BOTS: How?
MIKE: Don't you remember? Ratliff established that they worked on the
construction of the Enterprise in previous stories.
CROW: Oh, thanks a lot, Mike!
> I often wondered why they
>had chosen a life as security officers on a starship, which is not the
>safest occupation, especially with a child. I wondered if perhaps it
>was the same as my reason.
TOM: A mutual hatred for their offspring?
> It was not, but it was an honorable one.
MIKE: They enjoyed killing.
>Lieutenant Flores responded with a poem, which he said, although it was
>written about the sea, it applied to the stars just as well. At his
>request, I will read that poem now.
ALL: *laugh*
TOM: Worf, reading *poetry*?
MIKE: Well, he did once for Dr. Polatski.
BOTS: Fanboy! Fanboy!
>Sea Fever
>by John Masefield
CROW (John Masefield): Leave my work out of this!
>I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
>And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by;
>And the wheel's kick and wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
>And a gray mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.
TOM (heckler): You're not funny!
>I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide,
>It is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
MIKE: This has all the warmth of a White Zombie song.
>And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
>And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.
CROW: Poisoned bread crumbs!
>I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
>To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted
>knife;
TOM (mumbling): Hacks this story to pieces.
>And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow rover,
>And a quiet sleep and sweet dream when the long trick's over.
>
> Worf yielded the podium,
MIKE (singing): And we'll all drop our agendas and adjourn.
> to another officer, as one by one
>Marrissa's parents's comrades told about how they knew the Flores, and
>what they meant to them.
CROW: Must have been really short speeches, then.
> Though it all Marrissa stood expressionless,
>staring at the stars. Occasionally a tear would streak down her check,
>unacknowledged.
TOM: Who mourns for Marrissa?
MIKE: I think we reached our obscurity quota with that one.
> Finally Captain Picard took the podium.
> "Today we gathered here to do one of the saddest duties of Star
>Fleet Officers, to bury our dead," Picard began.
CROW (Picard): Do you know how hard it is to dig up this titanium flooring?
> "It is a duty I have
>done many times in the course of my career, and it never gets easier.
TOM: SATs are a bitch, aren't they.
>Nor should it, especially when a child loses both of her parents. I was
>mentor to their child, Marrissa, and though that relationship,
BOTS: That's sick!
MIKE: Guys!
> I got to
>know George and Margaret Flores. George was a master swordsman, who
>taught his daughter, his little Princess very well.
TOM: Funny, she doesn't look Drewish.
> Margaret was an
>outdoors woman
CROW: Nearly got her killed many times when she tried walking out of the
airlocks.
> who enjoyed camping and insisted that her family go
>camping every time they went on shore-leave. They both wanted to serve
>in Star Fleet, to serve in the stars, like the rover in Masefield's poem
>wanted to go to sea.
MIKE: More like in the "Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner."
> "Well their long shift on board is over," Picard concluded.
CROW: I'll bet it was the graveyard shift.
MIKE: Oh, jeeze Crow.
> "I
>hope they got their merry tale and now are enjoying quiet sleep and
>sweet dreams as we commit their bodies to the stars."
> At that, Commander Riker raised a trumpet and began playing
TOM: "Night Bird"?
>"Taps." Two pairs of security officers folded up the Star Fleet banners
>which had been draped over the torpedo casings and handed them to
>Marrissa.
CROW (security officer): Take it, we don't want it anymore.
> Marrissa was now staring at the casings as they moved out of
>the shuttlebay, tears flowing down her cheeks.
> As the last note echoed in the bay, Marrissa fled it. Counselor
>Troi attempted to follow, only to lose the running girl.
TOM: Marrissa's the Predator.
>
> Captain Picard was going over the repair lists for the stardrive
>and saucer sections. Some damage on the docking system on the stardrive
>section was preventing the reunification of the Enterprise.
MIKE: Like Bosnia.
> The saucer
>was reporting stressed aft shields, no wonder there,
TOM: They hadn't had a vacation in months.
> and puzzling to
>Captain Picard a rear tractor beam unit burnt out. The door chimed.
>"Come."
CROW: I imagine that's what he would sound like in bed with Dr. Crusher.
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Heh-heh...
> Counselor Troi entered, carrying a PADD.
> "What can I do for you, Counselor?" Picard asked.
TOM (Troi): I need a tighter-fitting uniform.
> "Captain, I was looking at the Flores' will," Troi began. "Are
>you aware that you've been named Marrissa's guardian?"
> "Yes," Picard replied quite serenely.
MIKE (Picard): Hand me my phaser.
> "That means you are now responsible for her," Troi responded at
>her Captain's reaction.
> "Counselor, I've run starships for almost 30 years, faced
>Klingons, Cardassians, Romulans, and Borg. I hardly think one twelve
>year old girl could be much more trouble."
CROW: You can't even discern the difference between a British and a French
accent and you think raising a child is easy?.
> "Captain, I think you better revise that. Marrissa is a young
>girl who has suddenly lost both of her parents. She has no living
>relatives she knows of. She's scared. She doesn't know what is going
>to happen to her."
TOM: At this rate, apotheosis.
MIKE: Don't encourage him.
> "Have you been to see her yet?"
> "No, I prefer to know as much as possible about the situation
>before going in. I've talked to her friends Jay and Clara."
> "And what did they say?" Picard asked.
CROW (Troi): Something about "redrum."
> Troi looked at Picard
>with a question in her eyes. "If I'm going to adopt Marrissa, I better
>know what I'm getting into."
MIKE: Trouble. Lots and lots of it.
> "Pardon me, but what have you done with my Captain?" Troi asked.
> "Have I finally managed to surprise you?" Picard inquired.
> "Yes, Captain," Troi responded. "I've seen nothing to indicate
>that you would do this."
TOM: Well, consult the script then.
> "Counselor, ever since I came on board you've been trying to
>ease my discomfort with children. You've asked me to give tours, had
>that 'Captain Picard Day', and even maneuvered me into taking
>Marrissa's Class on a field trip.
CROW (Picard): But the Nude Nurses Day, *that* was a good idea.
> And don't tell me about 'Commander
>Riker's so- called injury.'
MIKE: Don't tell *any* of us about that!
> I know all about it from Doctor Crusher.
>Well you've succeed. I now enjoy my time with them. That's why I
>decided to become a mentor."
CROW: Oh, is that what they call them now?
> "Why did you choose Marrissa to mentor?" Troi asked.
> "She asked me," Picard said simply. "Afer her help back when I
>was trapped in the turbolift, she apparently started working on her
>proposal. Then after that archeology field trip she presented it to me.
MIKE (Picard): I use it for a coaster.
>And by the way if it hadn't been for the fact the field trip was an
>archeology one, you might have gotten away with it. In any case, it was
>an opportunity I didn't think I could pass up.
CROW (Picard): Me and Mel Gibson working together...
> Not many young ladies,
>especially ones as shy as Marrissa, get up the courage to ask a
>Starfleet Captain anything."
TOM: Mike, I'm going to have nightmares about this.
MIKE: It'll be okay.
>
> Marrissa sat on a couch in her family's quarters. On the coffee
>table was a half filled packing crate. In her lap was a picture of her
>dead parents. Marrissa's eyes were filled with tears. If you listened
>carefully you could hear her soft sobs punctuated by an occasional
>snuffle.
CROW: That's one weird seashell.
> The door chimed softly. Marrissa wiped her eyes with her sleeve
>and called out in a monotone, "Who is it?"
TOM: The Gate Keeper.
CROW: M.C. Hammer.
MIKE: Robert Ginty.
> "Captain Picard," was the reply.
ALL: Oh.
> "Come on in," Marrissa responded quickly. Captain Picard
>entered the room. Much to Marrissa's surprise, he wasn't wearing his
>uniform,
CROW: In fact, he wasn't wearing anything.
MIKE: You are on the verge of geting smacked, young man.
> instead he wore a simple gray outfit. "Excuse the mess,
>Captain, but I have to pack up this stuff."
> "Understood," the Captain replied. "Have you eaten yet?"
> "No, sir," Marrissa replied.
> "Then perhaps you'd like to accompany me to Ten-Forward," I hear
>Guinan is serving fresh baked pizza today."
TOM: The Papa John's runabout came by.
> "Aye, sir," Marrissa accepted. The two walked out of Marrissa's
>quarters and down the hall.
CROW: Room 101.
> "Did you enjoy your time in command?" Captain Picard enquired.
CROW: (Crypt Keeper laugh.)
> "Aye, sir," Marrissa replied as they arrived at the turbolift.
> "No complaints?" Picard asked as the turbolift doors opened.
MIKE (Marrissa): People didn't fear me enough.
> "No sir," Marrissa replied as they entered the turbolift.
> "Deck 10," Picard ordered. "Surely you have some complaints."
TOM (Picard): Somebody had to have screwed up.
> "I may not be staying on the Enterprise," Marrissa responded,
>"but I know better than to complain to the Captain about the padding on
>his command chair."
> "You're not leaving," Picard stated. "And I know about the
>padding."
CROW: This dialogue.
> "I have to leave," Marrissa said sadly. "My parents are gone.
>I have no one here any more."
TOM (crying): I've got nowhere else to go!
> "You have me."
> "You can't keep me. Regulations..."
MIKE: No pets in the dorm.
> "I don't know anything that forces you to leave your legal
>guardian," Picard answered.
CROW: Child labor laws?
> The turbolift opened on deck Ten.
> "Do you know my guardian," Marrissa inquired.
> "I've known him all my life," Captain Picard replied as they
>entered Ten-Forward.
TOM: Did Picard become Sybil all of a sudden?
> "What's he like?" Marrissa asked.
MIKE (Picard): He's a real rightous bastard... Oh wait, that came out wrong.
> "He enjoys the Classics, in both literature and music," Picard
>described as they took a seat.
CROW (Marrissa): You mean, like, Iron Maden.
TOM (Picard): No.
> "He loves archeology and has a tactical
>maneuver named after him."
CROW: His name is John Missionary.
> At that, Guinan interrupted them, "Before you get to the
>lionfish, would you and your companion like to
MIKE (Guinan): Get out of my bar.
> place an order,
>Jean-Luc."
> "We'll have a medium pizza," he replied. "Marrissa, what would
>you like on it?"
TOM (Marrissa): Strawberries.
> "Turkey," Marrissa said,
ALL: TURKEY!
MIKE: Oh, they're putting this story on top of it.
> almost absentmindingly as she puzzled
>over the clues Captain Picard gave her.
CROW (Marrissa): Uh... Professor Plum, in the Library, with the Candlestick.
> "With Turkey on it," Picard confirmed.
> As Guinan nodded and left, Marrissa suddenly put it all
>together. "Are you my Guardian?" she asked, hopefully.
> "Yes, I am," Captain Picard responded. "In fact, if you want, I
>will even adopt you."
MIKE: Oh great. Having Captain Droll as a father. Woo-hoo.
> Marrissa opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
>Captain Picard smiled. He reached over the table and took her hand in
>his. Then Guinan arrived with the hot steaming pizza. "One Turkey Pizza
>fresh from the oven," she said. "Watch out it's hot."
TOM: And disgusting.
>
> Across the room, Commander Riker noticed Captain Picard and
>Marrissa eating pizza. "I never thought I'd see him here on Pizza day,"
>he commented.
MIKE (Riker): Okay, we need a battle cry. Something common, everyday, and
simplistic. Something like, spoon.
> "I'm afraid I'm to blame," Counselor Troi said from beside him.
> "Oh?" Riker asked.
CROW (Riker): I guess I'm just going to have to *spank* you.
TOM (Troi): Again?
> "I suggested that if he was going to talk to Marrissa about
>adopting her, taking her out for pizza would be a good idea," Counselor
>Troi said.
> "You're not talking about our Captain Jean-Luc Picard are you,
>Deanna?" Will Riker said.
MIKE: No, she's talking about the other Jean-Luc Picard. Of course she's
talking about him, you twit.
> "He practically runs out of the room when a
>child comes near. When I came abroad he asked me to keep them away from
>him. And I don't want to know the results of that field trip trick you
>played on him."
CROW: Hey, Mike. I feel weird all of a sudden.
TOM: Yeah, me too.
> "Will, the Captain has eased his discomfort around children
>considerably in the last couple of years," Deanna responded. "In fact
>he enjoyed that archeology field trip with Marrissa's class."
> "I don't believe it," Riker responded.
> "Will, just look over there," Troi requested. Marrissa and
>Captain Picard were talking over the pizza. "Does that look like a man
>who is nervous around children?"
CROW: Mike, I'm have a strange wave of sympathy for Marrissa wash over me.
TOM: Is this normal.
MIKE: Guys, I think this place is starting to take effect on us.
> Meanwhile, Captain Picard and Marrissa had just gotten to living
>arrangements. "I can have a room attached to my quarters, but it will
>take at least a week," Picard said.
> "And a bathroom," Marrissa insisted.
> "We already have one," Picard said.
> "You've never lived with girls have you?" Marrissa stated.
> "No," Picard said. "I just have one older brother."
TOM: Mike, it's starting to go beyond just sympathy.
CROW: I'm actually starting to *like* Marrissa, Mike.
MIKE: Guys, hold on.
> "If you don't add the bathroom, you'll have to get ready for
>duty in your ready room," Marrissa said.
> "Oh, then I'll add a bathroom to the plans," Captain Picard
>said. "But we probably should be somewhere else when they work on it.
>How would you like to visit where I grew up in France?"
> "I've never been to France before," Marrissa commented.
TOM: Come to think about it, Marrissa seems like an okay person.
CROW: She's more than just a person.
MIKE (quietly): Oh, no.
>
> Gul Ducat in the Meantime was pacing in confinement. 'Someday
>they will have to let me out and when they do I will hunt down that
>little girl. Marrissa Flores will wish she was never born.' he thought.
>'She will be crushed like the vole she is.'
CROW: Things are starting to make sense to me like they never have before.
TOM: I have this uncontrolable urge to bow down and worship Marrissa.
>
>xvb
>Epilogue
>
> Marrissa laid stretched out in the back of the shuttlecraft.
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard looked at his newly adopted daughter.
MIKE (desperately): Come on guys, keep riffing! Eh... I wonder why Picard
is looking at Marrissa like that? Ha ha!
CROW: You dare to insinuate that Marrrissa would lay with one as lowly as
Picard!
TOM: You have blasphemed.
> Her
>long
>blond hair was arrayed around her head like a halo, and for once she
>seemed to be avoiding the bad dreams of the past week. He hated to wake
>her, but they had almost reached their destination.
> The countryside of France was below them. The shuttle was
>awaiting clearance to descend to the landing level. "Marrissa," he
>called out softly.
CROW: The satellite has been polluted with your disrespect, Mike.
TOM: It must be purified.
> Marrissa woke and sat up. "What?" she asked as she put her hair
>back up in a pony tail.
> "We're almost there," Picard said. A light lit up on his
>console. "We've just recieved clearance to land anywhere in Labarre.
>Any suggestions?"
> "How about your brother's front door," Marrissa yawned.
MIKE: (Looking at them and nervous.) Why are you looking at me like that,
guys?
BOTS (low chanting): Marrissa. Marrissa. Marrissa...
> "Still sleepy I see," her father responded.
> "You were the one who gave me the helm for a couple of hours
>rest and ended up sleeping eight hours," Marrissa replied. "I'm glad I
>have my pilots licence."
BOTS: Marrissa! We hear and we obey!
> "You were suppose to wake me up after a couple hours," Picard
>said.
> "Next time be a little more clear," Marrissa responded.
>
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard spent the next month at the Picard
>Family Vineyards with his newly adopted daughter Marrissa Amber Picard.
>You'll hear about that in "All the King's Horses" coming soon.
BOTS: AAAAIIIIIEEEE!
MIKE (screaming): Guys! What!
CROW: The great Marrissa is displeased!
TOM: We must abate her wrath.
CROW: With an offering of blood!
(The Bots knock Mike unconcious before he can respond and drag him from the
theater.)
0...2...3...4...5...6...*
(<SoL Bridge> Mike is tied up and gagged on the table. Behind him is a
large statue in the likeness of Marrissa. Torches are burning to either
side of him. Crow and Tom and dancing around the table in a voodooistic
manner.)
CROW (chanting): Oh great Marrissa, goddess of entropy, we, your faithful,
have prepared a blood sacrifice out of this lowly one here. May our
sacrifice please you, so that we can reign fear and conquer our enemies,
mightiest Marrissa.
(Crow withdraws a knife.)
TOM: Wait, I'm supposed to do the sacrifice.
CROW: No, I specifically remember Marrissa ordering me to do the sacrifice.
TOM: She did not. Hey, this was my idea.
CROW: Oh, yeah sure. Well, who built the statue, huh?
TOM: Hey, listen pin-beak. You hand over that sacrifical dagger right now
or you will eat it.
MIKE (gagged): Guys, this isn't funny.
BOTS: Shut up!
(Gypsy then walks in during Crow and Tom's bickering.)
GYPSY: Huh? Oh my. Hell has corrupted Crow and Tom to serve evil. (To
Cambot.) Now you listen up, Mr. Pinhead, you stop this right now.
(<Hell> Pinhead has strapped Dr. F. and Frank to devices that look like
what the Bots strapped Joel into during "Eeegah." He hasn't noticed Gypsy
yet. However, the box is sitting on a table just behind Pinhead.)
PINHEAD: Now, are you all ready for your Cynobyte transformation process?
FRANK: Gee, I don't know about this.
PINHEAD: Oh, nonsense. Everybody is doing it. (Notices Gypsy.) Oh,
terribly sorry, but I'm a little bit busy right now. I'll call you back.
(<SoL> Mike is thrashing to get out of his bonds, Crow and Tom are fighting
over the dagger, and Gypsy is up front.)
GYPSY: Oh, what am I going to do... Wait! If I could get the box using my
half of the Umbillicus, I could get us all outta here. But I need a
distraction.
(At that moment, a brilliant white light shines in front of Gypsy.)
GYPSY: Say.
(<Hell> Pinhead is just about to start the process when that white light
shines behind him. He turns around and sees Torgo the White decending from
the air.)
TORGO: ReLEasE ThAT, ONe. (He gestures to Frank.) He iS UNdeR mY, PRoTECtion.
PINHEAD: You! I have a restraining order on you!
TORGO: REleASE, Him, or SUFfer my, WRaTH.
(Torgo raises his arms, and the angelic forms of Princess Di and John
Denver appear in a soft glow behind him, ready to fight.)
JOHN (singing): You fill up my senses, with feelings of darkness.
PINHEAD: Ha!
(Pinhead snaps his fingers and in a puff of smoke the forms of OJ Simpson
and Louise Woodward appear behind him.)
OJ: Wait a minute, we're not dead yet.
LOUISE (bawling): Yeah! *soobbbbb*
PINHEAD: You two owe me. (To Torgo.) Now, prepare yourselves.
TORGO: TheRE cAN be, OnlY ONE.
(They start fighting Mortal Kombat style. Up on the Satellite, Gypsy
realizes that this is the opportunity that she has been waiting for, and we
see a shot of the Umbilicus tube crawling down and slowly inching out
towards the box. Pinhead, during the fight, suddenly realizes what's
happening and makes a dash for the box. He is tripped by John Denver's
guitar and Gypsy grabs the box and sucks it. We see the glowing light of
box being sucked up the tube and pop out of her mouth. She then, somehow,
begins to push the box back into place with her nose.)
<Hell>
PINHEAD: Don't you do that!
<SoL>
GYPSY: You go to, oh, you're already there.
(The box is back in its original place. Pinhead and all the other greater
beings disappear. The devices that Dr. F and Frank were strapped to
disappear. The Dark Room becomes Deep 13 again.)
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Thank you, uh, Gypsy. I suppose as a token of gratitude, I'll put
off showing you guys "Samson Versus the Vampire Women" until next week.
(<SoL> It's back to normal and Mike has just finished untying himself and
Gypsy has just spat the box into deep space.)
MIKE: Yeah, whatever. You guys, this wasn't funny. I almost believed that
you were going to kill me back then.
CROW: Yeah, well, I think we were.
TOM: Yeah, I'm sorry Mike. But with that story and our surroundings, I
just caved in to the temptation. I feel really bad.
CROW: Yeah, me too buddy.
MIKE: Yeah, well forget it. I'm not talking to you guys anymore. (He
turns his back to them.)
CROW: Oh, come on Mike. Hey, how are we going to get through those future
experiments without your help. We're a team. Come on. Whadda ya say.
(He holds out his hand.) Partners?
TOM: (His arm somehow extends out to clasp Crow's hand.) Partners.
(Mike reluctantly turns around reluctantly and extends his arm into the
middle as well. Ho, by the way. The camera angles for this are same as in
Batman and Robin, and the music started up with Crow's speech.)
MIKE: Partners.
GYPSY: I think we're going to need a bigger satellite.
(The view is now down the SoL tunnel with all the doors open. It's rather
dark, except for one bright light down at the end of it. Suddenly, out
from the sides, we see the silhouettes of Mike, Crow and Tom around the
corners and start running towards us. Well, Tom is hovering really quickly
towards us. Oddly enough, we can see that they're all wearing those huge,
rubbery Barman and Robin costumes. Considering how hard it would be for
the puppeteers to do this scene, it's all computer animated, eating up a
huge portion of the budget. They run towards Cambot, and instead of
running around and over him, they collide right with him, killing the
picture and the music. There is only the dark screen now.)
CROW (v.o.): Sorry, my fault.
MIKE (v.o.): Crow!
End.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use
of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best
Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
"'No, I think this is one of those on the fly battles, so be ready for
improvision,' Picard finished."
*******************************************
Francis J. Castellino
Kleiderer-Pezold Professor of Biochemistry
Dean, College of Science
University of Notre Dame
Notre Dame, IN 46556
email: castellino.1@nd.edu
telephone: (219) 631-6456
telefax: (219) 631-8017
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