Away From Home 3 - Chasing Marrissa
MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 3: Chasing Marrissa"
Group MiSTing by: Mike Barklage (editor)
Petrea Mitchell
Todd Gilbert
Here is the third and final part of the MiSTing of Stephen Ratliff's
"Away From Home." If you have not read parts 1 or 2, I strongly
suggest that you do so before reading this. And if you read all
three parts without a break, I strongly suggest that you go lie down
before you hurt yourself.
As always, comments are very welcome. Just send your e-mail to me at
barklage@ucsu.colorado.edu, and I will forward it to the other authors,
Todd Gilbert and Petrea Mitchell.
6...5...4...3...2...1...*...
[Mike and the bots enter the theater. Tom's globe is magically healed.]
MIKE: You gonna be all right, Tom?
TOM: I think so.
MIKE: Because I don't want you conking out anymore. There's a lot more
Ratliff to get through.
CROW: <swoons> Ohhh... now *I* don't feel so good.
MIKE: Don't you start.
> From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
> Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 17:35:57 GMT
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Away From Home part 15 Chasing Marrissa part 1
CROW: Chasing Marrissa? With baseball bats and iron bars, I hope.
> ________________
> (-___part_15_____\#####AWAY FROM HOME###==---
> _-_ ,-' /
> ____.---'___`---._,-'___/
> \___________________](@)_>
> `'`--.____.-' -==`. \
> `-' ____`._\_________
> (-___part_01_____/#####CHASING MARRISSA#==---
TOM: Ooooh, pretty.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the one good part of this fanfic. Enjoy it while it lasts.
CROW: Looks like the old Enterprise got kinda wrung out.
> A Star Trek the Next Generation Story in the Marrissa Stories
>
> by Stephen Ratliff
TOM: A Next Generation story *in* the Marrissa stories? Marrissa gets top billing now?
MIKE: She must have one heck of an agent.
> Chapter One
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> The Door the Captain
CROW: The Captain, the Door. Now that we all know each other...
> Jean Luc Picard and his daughter Marrissa's
> quarters on Starbase 151 opened. Marrissa's voice was heard saying,"
> I'm not answering anymore questions. No I'm not granting interviews. No
> I will not pose for pictures.
MIKE: No, I will not eat green eggs and ham.
> I just want to spend some time without you tailing me everywhere. Now go AWAY."
TOM: <Picard> But Marrissa, I'm your father!
> Marrissa entered the room. A member of the media tried to follow her
> but she quickly turned and sent him into the wall. opposite the door.
CROW: With the merest nudge of her telekinetic powers.
> Captain Picard and Counselor Troi were seated on the couch by a
> window overlooking space dock.
MIKE: ...pretending they weren't just naked.
> "I wish I could do that," Captain Picard said,
TOM: <Picard> ...but I'm so old and weak...
> "but I don't think the media would reflect well on a
> Starfleet Captain shoving a reporter into a wall."
> "I just wish I could get away from them," Marrissa fumed.
CROW: Must be a *really* slow news week.
> "I was just telling the Captain that you should take a
> vacation," Troi said. "I was going to recommend on before the
> Enterprise crashed but events got in the way."
<Mike grabs Tom>
TOM: I'm okay with it, Mike. Really.
MIKE: Just making sure.
> "But, how can I get away from the media," Marrissa asked.
> "They follow me to class, to dinner, even into the locker room."
CROW: Those aren't reporters, honey. They're child pornographers.
> "That may be a problem," Troi commented.
> "Maybe not," Captain Picard said. "The Media will follow any
> blond haired girl with Lieutenant's pips."
MIKE: Hey, that's dirty!
> "I'm sure Clara and Shayna will be glad to help," Marrissa said.
> "I've got three officers leaving the Starbase tomorrow," Picard
> said. "LaForge, Data, and Riker."
TOM: <sings> Earthborn seeds fly outward, let the stars beware!
> "Clara will be going will Data anyway," Marrissa stated. "I
> hope she enjoys the Daystorm Institute for Engineering and Museum. "
CROW: The Institute for Engineering and... Museuming?
> "Commander Riker is going to Deep Space Nine and LaForge, Risa," Troi informed.
MIKE: You'd think that would be the other way around.
> "I'll take Risa," Marrissa said.
TOM: I'll take Manhattan!
> "Shayna's parents will allow her to go to Deep Space Nine with Commander
> Riker, who they think highly of.
CROW: Of course, we're not sure *why*...
> However, they wouldn't let her go to Risa under any circumstance."
MIKE: No spring breaks in her future.
> "I have a problem with Risa," Captain Picard said, dryly.
TOM: It really blocks me up.
> "Da-ad," Marrissa persuaded, "I'll be good, and its not like I'm looking for guys.
CROW: <Marrissa> I'll be looking for *chicks*!
> In fact I imagine that that would be hard for me do do on any planet.
MIKE: <Marrissa> But I'll have some laxatives with me. They should help.
> Plus, this is supposed to be a vacation alway from the media. Tell me would
> you look for a 13 year old daughter of a starship Captain on Risa?"
TOM: Would you look for *any* 13 year old on Risa?
> "Al-right you can go," Picard caved in.
CROW: Ugh. I'm not cleaning that up.
> "However if I here a word of about a problem from Commander LaForge ... your
> next assignment will be the most back-breaking I can find."
MIKE: Don't worry, I'm sure LaForge will behave.
> "It may be advisable to go under an assumed name," Troi suggested.
> "Already chosen," Marrissa said.
> "What," Picard asked.
TOM: Cher!
> "Amber Flores, Its perfectly legal for me to use," Marrissa
> said. "I think its time for a sleep over."
CROW: Whee! Let's paint each other's nails, then have a pillow fight!
> The next morning, the Media followed a blond haired girl in a
> Lieutenant's uniform exiting the Picard family quarters with Data.
> More than two thirds of the Starbase's media booked passage on the
> star liner to the Daystorm Institute with them.
MIKE: <reporter> Well, it's not Marrissa, but let's follow her anyway.
> Around Noon another blond girl in Starfleet uniform left with
> Commander Riker for Deep Space Nine. The rest of the media left
> Starbase 151 to follow them.
TOM: All two of them.
> This left no media to spy the blond girl in T-shirt and slacks leave with Geordi LaForge.
CROW: So, then... the media in the future is rock-stupid?
> Chapter Two
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> Arriving at Risa, Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge and
> Lieutenant Marrissa Picard approached the registration desk.
MIKE: *The* registration desk? What is Risa, a spacegoing hotel?
> "You are sir," The hotel clerk asked.
> "Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, starship Enterprise"
TOM: ...or what's left of it.
> "Room 138 in the West Wing," he responded. "And you are young lady?"
CROW: <Geordi> No, *she* is young lady. I am blind black man.
> "Amber Flores," Marrissa responded.
> "Room 139 in the West wing, the Valet will take your bags," the clerk said.
MIKE: No one will be seated during the intense "Hotel Registration" scene.
> Meanwhile across the room
TOM: Oh, so Risa's just a room.
> a couple of Starfleet Lieutenants were
> discussing the young lady checking in. "I'm sure that's Marrissa
> Picard, the youngest Lieutenant in Starfleet," Lieutenant Chris Crocker said.
CROW: Hey, look, it's a Deus Ex Moronica.
> "I doubt the famous Captain Picard would let his daughter visit
> Risa" Lieutenant Phillip Andrews junior replied.
> "But that's Picard's Chief Engineer with her," Crocker rebutted.
> "Surely that would be a sufficant escort."
MIKE: Who, LaForge? The guy who fell into a plasma tube last section and
found out a pre-teen could do his job?
> "However it could ..."
> "Your not going to suggest that she's his date," Crocker interrupted.
TOM: Chris Crocker, heir to the cake mix empire!
> "Their may not be a minimum age on Risa, but I doubt Lieutenant Commander
>LaForge is that sdespurt.
MIKE: Hey, this is Geordi "Holodeck Lover" LaForge, so you never know.
CROW: I'm trying to figure out how Ratliff got from "desperate" to "sdespurt."
> I mean dating the Captain's daughter that is really going far for a date."
MIKE: Hey, *every* woman is some Captain's daughter.
> "We haven't proven that she is Marrissa Picard," Andrews replied.
> "That's easy enough, we ask her," Crocker responded getting up.
CROW: I guess these losers really don't have anything better to do.
> Meanwhile Marrissa was telling Geordi, "I think I'll change into
> my swimming suit and get some use out of the pool."
TOM: And do something about that G rating.
> "I've got to report our arrival to the Captain," Geordi replied.
> "I'll see you at the pool after I'm done."
MIKE: Can Geordi swim with that visor?
> Geordi exited the lobby and Marrissa began walking across the room to the West wing entrance.
CROW: Which of course brings us to... Max Geldray!
> Halfway to the arch way Lieutenants Crocker and Andrews
> intercepted her. "Are you Lieutenant Picard?" Crocker asked.
> "Gentlemen, I'm trying to avoid the media," Marrissa responded. "Don't blow my cover.
TOM: Well, that whole "assumed name" thing didn't last too long.
MIKE: Couldn't she have just said "no, I'm not"?
> By the way, who are you?"
> "I'm Lieutenant Phillip Andrews of the Baltimore. This is
> Lieutenant Chris Crocker of the same."
CROW: The USS Same? That's a lousy name for a starship.
> "Phillip Andrews, I had a Captain by that name under my command
> at Naklab," Marrissa responded. "Any relation?"
> "He's my father," Andrews replied.
> "Oh really," Marrissa commented.
MIKE: <Marrissa> Like the doings of you ordinary mortals really interest me.
> "Gentlemen, if you will excuse me I have to change. See you later."
TOM: <Marrissa> I have to go find some *interesting* people.
> Marrissa entered the west wing.
> "I told you she was Marrissa Picard," Crocker said.
> "She never told us her name," Andrew replied.
> "But what other young girl commanded your father?' Crocker pointed out.
CROW: Well, if you don't count Bunny down at the strip club...
> "You do have a point," Andrews conceded.
>
> Data and Clara had arrived at the Daystorm institute. Clara was
> already out of her Marrissa disguise. Reporters were all over the
> place looking for Marrissa. "Do you think we should tell them?" Clara asked.
> "Wait awhile, I am finding this quite humorous," Data said with a glint of laughter.
MIKE: Data, your emotion chip needs some fine-tuning.
TOM: See, even *he* can't take this story seriously.
> "What do you think will happen when we tell them about the news
> conference at Deep Space Nine?" Clara questioned.
> "We will find out how may reporters can fit in a shuttle craft,"
> Data dead panned. Clara broke down laughing.
CROW: Repair crew to shuttle bay 3...
MIKE: Boy, she's easily amused.
> Commander Riker and a blond haired girl in a uniform with
> lieutenant's pips arrived at Deep Space Nine.
TOM: Oh, that Riker, he changes women as often as he changes his socks!
> A press conference was set up on the Promenade.
CROW: What a coincidence! We were going to hold a press conference, too!
> As the girl made her way to the podium, Riker pushed questioning reporters aside.
MIKE: <reporter> Hey, there's only three of us here! You don't have to push!
> Standing behind the podium the girl began, "Ladies and
> Gentlemen of the media, I suppose you want to ask me questions like :
TOM: "Why the hell are you pretending to be Marrissa Picard?"
> How does it feel to be Captain Picard's daughter? What is Captain Picard like?
CROW: ...when he's not liquored up.
> and How did you pull off the Naklab Treaty?"
MIKE: ...and slip into something more comfortable?
> "I'd love to answer those questions," the girl said removing her
> blond wig revealing her short brown hair. "but as you can see I'm not Marrissa Picard."
TOM: Ooh, it was Shayna all along!
CROW: <Shayna> And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been
for you meddling kids!
> A gasp and a wig when though the media.
MIKE: Hey, Ratliff almost turned a good phrase.
> "I am Shayna Sachs,
TOM: <Shayna> ...and I am an alcoholic.
> Marrissa's current Kid's crew chief engineer. When activated I
CROW: ...wet myself and say "mommy".
> hold the rank of acting-Lieutenant.
MIKE: When in reality I simply can't act.
> My job was to put you off Marrissa's scent so she could use some of her
> two months accumulated leave time to get away from the stress you were causing her."
> "However, Marrissa has sent a recorded statement for you.
> Copies will be made available later."
TOM: ...for the low price of $19.95. Plase buy souveneirs in the lobby.
> The Cardassian view screen came to life with the view of Marrissa
> sitting behind a desk with a star field in the background.
CROW: So it's a still-life.
> "Welcome to Deep Space Nine, Ladies and Gentlemen," Marrissa
> began. "I hope you have enjoyed your trip.
MIKE: Remember to record your frequent flier miles.
> As you have no doubt discovered I am not at Deep Space Nine or the Daystorm Institute for
> Engineering.
TOM: <Marrissa> And I'm not on Risa either.
> I am taking a vacation in order to releave the stress
> which you have caused since the Enterprise crashed."
TOM: <Marrissa> But don't look for me on Risa, because I'm not there.
> "I will be granting interviews to at least two reporters upon my return ...
MIKE: Woodword and Bernstein.
> if no report bothers me during my vacation. They will be chosen by drawing names
> from a hat such as this one." Marrissa held up Captain Picard's Dixon Hill hat.
CROW: <Marrissa> He won't need this where he's gone! Mwahahahahaaaa!
> "Some reporters are barred from this drawing due to their behavior on Starbase 151."
MIKE: They will spend the week with their nose in a corner.
> "Those are IPB's Peter Romanof
TOM: Oh, I've had Peter Romanof in a nice mushroom sauce.
> and WWB reporter Dig Kim who
> chose to follow me into the Girl's Locker room.
CROW: He used to work for Victor Kiam.
> In addition FNN report/co-anchor Carlos Velasquez, for breaking into my room. A warrant
> has been issued for your arrest for breaking and entering, tress-passing,
MIKE: He was trading her hair?
> and invasion of privacy. I do not appreciate waking up to
> find some stranger at the foot of my bed.
TOM: Unless it's Brad Pitt, of course.
> "In order to answer some of your question my official report on
> the Trakce attack on Dublin will be released to you with the permission
> of Starfleet. End Recording
MIKE: <reporter> I can't believe I'm here trying to interview some stupid kid.
CROW: <ditto> Yeah, I wish I could cover some real news.
>
> Chapter Three
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> On Risa, Marrissa was relaxing by the pool. Lieutenants Andrews
> and Crocker were admiring her for the other side.
ALL: <stunned silence>
CROW: Mike, this is wrong.
MIKE: I know.
TOM: They're leering at a 13-year-old girl!
MIKE: I know!
> "Too bad she is a Lieutenant," Andrews sighed.
CROW: <Andrews> I could really go for some statutory rape.
> "Too bad she is a Captain's daughter," Crocker responded.
> "Too bad she is too young," Andrews said.
TOM: Stop it! STOP IT!!
MIKE: This is like fantasizing about your little sister.
> At that Ensign Najib Fahim joined the Lieutenants admiring Marrissa.
CROW: Hi, token minority reporting for duty.
> "What's this Phillip," he asked. "Some one is to young for you."
MIKE: Guys, we're getting a dark, disturbing glimpse into Ratliff's mind.
> "That girl over their," Andrews pointed out. "But she is definitely off limits."
> "Oh - finally someone the great Phillip Andrews won't touch,"
> Najib replied. "I will have to spread the word that he is losing his touch."
ALL: <boo, hiss>
TOM: Come on, this isn't "Romeo and Juliet"!
> "We know better," Crocker said. "You don't mess around with a
> Captain's daughter."
CROW: Are you implying that if she was anyone else's 13-year-old daughter,
she'd be fair game?
> "I'm not a scared little Lieutenant," Ensign Fahim said as he
> began walking around the pool toward Marrissa.
TOM: Ensign Buttafuoco springs into action!
> "That's right you are an Ensign who was a Lieutenant before he
> shot the Captain's wife out the torpedo bay," Andrews replied.
MIKE: A demotion for murder one? What does it take to get kicked out of Starfleet??
CROW: Well, murder's okay, but they're really strict about neatness.
> Najib ignored the jibe and continued on. "Ten credits says he winds up in the
> pool," Andrews bet.
> "You're on," Crocker replied.
TOM: <whimpers> They're betting on whether or not he can seduce a 13-year-old!
> Najib approached the young Lieutenant Picard. After delivering
> some pick up line Marrissa slapped him.
ALL: YAY!!
> He said something else and she stocked off. Najib pursued her.
MIKE: Hit him harder this time!
> As they neared the pool she stopped, turned around, and shouted,
"I hope you can swim." Marrissa then pushed Najib into the pool.
CROW: And for one brief shining moment, I admire her.
> "Pay up Chris," Andrews said.
> "When we get back to our quarters," Crocker replied. "Do you
> think we should help Najib out?"
> "Wait a minute, he got himself into it," Andrews responded. "He
> can get himself out of the pool."
TOM: He baked his bread, let him swim in it... or something like that.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincerest apologies for that last scene.
> Meanwhile back at Starbase 151, Captain Jean-Luc Picard was
> visiting an old friend.
CROW: An old friend by the name of "Jack Daniels".
> "Welcome to the Stargazer, Captain Picard, Doctor Crusher," Montgemrey Scott replied.
TOM: No Star Trek character shall escape this fanfic unscathed!
> "'bout time the Captain of record visited."
> "Captain of record?" Picard asked.
MIKE: Duke of Earl?
> "You were the last commanding officer the Stargazer had," Scotty
> said. "She's been in dock for the last five years waiting for someone
> to decide what to do with her. Fortunately I picked her up as the first
> ship to be converted to a fighter carrier in 80 years."
CROW: Um... why? Is Scotty planning on waging his own little war or something?
> "Just what does that entail?" Picard inquired.
TOM: Booze. And lots of it.
> "Expansion of Main Shuttle bay," Scotty began. "Upper and lower
> warp pairs becoming detachable support vessels. Saucer underside remodeling
> including new deflector disk and pass through shuttle bay with floor/wall doors."
MIKE: Why not just build a whole new ship instead?
CROW: "This Old Ship," with Bob Vila.
> "Sounds like a big job," Doctor Crusher commented.
TOM: <Crusher> Could someone tell me what I'm doing in this scene?
> "That it is lassie, that it is," Scotty said.
MIKE: But I'll just get my assistant Al to do all the work.
> "Then she will be out of service for quite some time," Picard stated.
> "Only a couple more years, and only six months of those will she
> be unable to be called into service," Scotty replied.
> "How much is done so far?" Picard asked.
> "The structural reframing around the fighter bay, turbolift
> reconfiguration and remodeled sick bay by Doctor McCoy," Scotty listed.
TOM: Ooh, a sickbay designed by a crotchety 140-year-old doctor.
CROW: I wonder how many prune juice dispensers and recliners there'll be.
> "Let's see this new sick bay," Crusher requested.
> "This way."
MIKE: Dr. McCoy is the corpse in the second bed.
> Meanwhile Counselor Troi was on her way to Betazed. She had
> hitched a ride on the Coral Sea.
CROW: You sass that Deanna Troi? She's one hoopy frood.
> The Coral Sea was a day out of the Daystorm Institute for Engineering
> where the crew had partied with the Sutherland's crew for Mardi Gras.
ALL: Woo! Party!!
> Unfortunately the Command Crews of both ships had come down with food poisoning.
TOM: <chuckling> Suddenly it's "Airplane"!
> "Bridge to Counselor Troi."
ALL: <barf noises>
> "Troi here."
> "Call from Starfleet Command for you."
ALL: <more barf noises>
> "Patch it down here," Troi replied.
> Admiral Necheyev appeared on screen. "Commander Troi," she said.
CROW: <Leslie Nielsen> I just wanted to tell you good luck, we're all counting on you.
> "Admiral"
> "You are aware of the situation on board the Coral Sea?" Necheyev asked.
MIKE: They're partyin' like it's 2399!
> "Yes, the Command crew is down with food poisoning and unlikely
> to recover this week," Troi responded.
TOM: How do you get food poisoning from replicators, anyway?
> "A young Lieutenant is in command and most of the crew is nervous."
CROW: Oh, only the high-ranking officers are allowed to party.
> "Lieutenant Watson has asked to be relieved," Admiral Necheyev stated.
MIKE: He's been on the bridge without a bathroom break for two days now.
> "I have seen fit to grant his request. Commander Troi, you are hereby field
> promoted to Captain and assigned the command of the Coral Sea until such time
> as her regular commanding officer is medically fit for command."
ALL: <general snickering>
TOM: Captain Troi? Isn't that like saying President Quayle?
> "But, I'm a ship's Counselor," Troi protested.
CROW: Well, I guess if a PMSing preteen can command a starship, so can you.
> "Trust me you are admiralablily suited for the Coral Sea's
> mission," Necheyev said.
MIKE: <Troi> Oh, now I'm an admiral too?
> "Which is?"
TOM: Look hot and discover the obvious.
> "After arriving at Betazed," Necheyev began. "You will depart
> at Ambassador Troi's conveinance on coarse to Deep Space Nine.
> Delivering her in time for the trade conference."
CROW: Like we said, *no* character shall escape unscathed!
> Jay Gordon was in the middle of a three hour training session for
> the Independence's Kid's Crew when sick bay called.
MIKE: Oh great, the Kids' Crew is franchising.
> "Doctor Anderson to Jay Gordon."
TOM: <singing> AN-derson, that's me!
> "Jay here."
> "The Away Team has brought up a virus which is rapidly spreading," the Doctor said.
CROW: They should start wearing condoms on those away missions.
MIKE: Actually, it's not a virus, just an acute reaction to this fanfic.
> "You Kid's crew has been isolated since
> they returned. Please remain so. You can beam directly to the Battle
> Bridge and take command. The Captain has logged the appropriate orders."
TOM: Stephen Ratliff, master of the plot convenience.
> "Are you sure the virus isn't floating around there?" Jay asked.
CROW: Certain. It's hermetically sealed from the background plot.
> "The Battle Bridge and the attached barracks and ready room have
> an independent Envornmental System," the Doctor replied. "No one has been
> in either area in weeks."
MIKE: I guess they decided drills and maintenance were too much of a bother.
> "Keep me informed, Jay Gordon out."
TOM: Anyone else smell a conspiracy here?
>
> Chapter Four
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> After pushing Ensign Fahim into the pool because of his indecent proposals.
CROW: ...Marrissa decided not to speak in complete sentences.
> Marrissa (a.k.a. Amber Flores) Picard spied Geordi La Forge And joined him.
TOM: Okay folks, just in case you forgot, Marrissa is using the name AMBER
FLORES. Now back to the show.
> "What did you do that for?" Geordi asked.
> "he though that he could get some where with me," Marrissa
> said. "So I arranged for him to cool off."
MIKE: Hey, she could be an action hero with wisecracks like that.
> At that moment a purple transporter beam enveloped Marrissa.
TOM: D'oh!
CROW: That'll happen.
> After she disappeared Geordi sprung into action
MIKE: Spring-action LaForge with kung-fu grip!
> as Lieutenants Andrews
> and Crocker approached, "Lieutenant Commander La Forge to Risan Space
> Control," he said after tapping his communicator.
> "Risan control here."
CROW: Bureau 13 awaiting orders.
> "There has been an unauthorized transport of my charge from the
> Risan Hotel pool area," Geordi stated. "Where did she go?"
> "Sensor logs indicate she was beamed aboard ... oh my God," the
> Risan Space controller said.
TOM: That would be NCC-0001.
> "A Trakce ship has her and she's leaving the system -- fast."
MIKE: Great god almighty, we're free at last!
> Lieutenant Andrews and Crocker reached LaForge. "Commander
> LaForge, the Polaris is in orbit, perhaps she can catch the Trakce
> ship," Andrews said.
> "Risan Space Control, clear the Polaris for immediate
> departure," La Forge ordered. "LaForge out. LaForge to Polaris, three to beam up."
CROW: <Polaris officer> Okay, but who the hell are you?
> Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge, Lieutenant Phillip Andrews
> and Lieutenant Chris Crocker matterailized in the transporter room of the
> Intrepid class starship Polaris.
TOM: So, they're lieutenants, I guess.
MIKE: Pretty much.
> "Computer, who is the senior officer aboard?"
> "Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge."
MIKE: The regular command crew must have fallen down a plot hole.
> "Who is in Command?
> "Lieutenant junior grade Ace Perry acting Chief Engineer."
CROW: <Cockney accent> You were never Ace. Ace-hole maybe, but never Ace.
> "Note in Log, Emergency transfer of Command, under Reg 201,"
> Geordi ordered. "Reason hot pursuit of Kidnapers of Star fleet Officer.
TOM: Well, I wouldn't exactly say *hot* pursuit.
> Lieutenant Crocker, get down to Engineering and bring this ship up to up
> to Enterprise standards. I hope you haven't forgotten in the past two
> years since you left."
> "Aye, sir."
CROW: <Crocker> I'll set up some plot contrivances right away, sir.
MIKE: Does that mean yes, he has, or yes, he hasn't?
> "Transfer of Command confirmed," the Computer said as Geordi and
> Lieutenant Andrews entered the turbolift.
> "Phillip are you still the second best pilot in Star fleet?" Geordi asked.
TOM: <Andrews> Um, no, that's just a pick-up line I use, sir.
> "Bridge."
> "No, Paris is back in Star fleet
MIKE: A Voyager reference! By my count, Ratliff has now used every single
Star Trek show in this fanfic!
> and some young Lieutenant beat
> my ratings last month," Phillip Andrews replied.
CROW: But I'm still leading in the syndicated markets!
> "And I don't think anyone is going to beat Commander Riker any time soon.
TOM: Too bad Riker never actually does any piloting.
> "That young Lieutenant, is it Marrissa Picard?" Geordi asked.
> "Yes."
> "I hope you aren't too eager to reenter the top three,"
> Lieutenant Commander LaForge said as the Turbolift opened onto the bridge.
MIKE: <Andrews> Well, actually...
> "Take CONN Lieutenant. Set an intercept course for the Trakce
> vessel. I want you to overtake her as soon as possible."
CROW: Tried that on the planet, sir.
> The Intrepid class vessel left orbit. Her warp Engines moved
> into position and the Polaris went into warp."
TOM: What's the point of having moving warp nacelles, anyway?
MIKE: Well, it's like the sports cars with headlights that move up and
down - it's not functional, but it looks neat.
> "Tactical, distance to and speed of the Trakce vessel," LaForge asked.
> "1 million km, speed is warp 7 and increasing," the tactical officer said.
> "Our speed is warp 8 and increasing," Andrews informed.
CROW: <Andrews> Oops, we just passed them.
> "Go to Red Alert," LaForge ordered.
TOM: <Geordi> By the way, hi, I'm your new commanding officer.
> "Bridge to Engineering"
> "Engineering, Crocker here."
> "Give me everything we have, I want at least 9.98," LaForge commanded.
MIKE: <Andrews> But we don't *have* 9.98, sir.
> "Aye sir"
> "Status, Tactical."
> "Distance, three light years, speed warp 9 still increasing"
> "Our speed is now warp 9.5," Andrews supplied.
> "They have passed warp 9.99" tactical announced.
CROW: <auctioneer> Sold American!
> "We are steady at warp 9.98 and losing ground," Andrews responded.
TOM: We need to round off, and fast!
> "Damn, open a channel to Captain Picard, at Star base 151," LaForge commanded.
MIKE: Ensign Damn?
> Meanwhile on the Stargazer, Captain Picard was looking around
> his old bridge while Scotty and Doctor Crusher looked at the new
> Sick bay. "Star base Communications to Captain Jean-Luc Picard."
> "Picard here," he said, sitting down in his old command chair.
CROW: ...and deciding that rattan wasn't really his style anymore.
> "You have a priority one message from Lieutenant Commander
> LaForge," the Star base informed.
> "Patch it over to the Stargazer's main view screen," Picard ordered.
> Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge appeared on screen sitting
> in the Captains Chair of a Intrepid class vessel.
TOM: So, guys, what rank is LaForge again?
ALL: LIEUTENANT COMMANDER.
> "Captain, Marrissa has been kidnapped by a Trakce vessel," he informed Marrissa's adopted
> father.
CROW: So, like, he'll care and stuff.
> "I have borrowed the Polaris and I am in pursuit.
MIKE: She owes me ten bucks.
> However they are at warp 9.99 and we are at 9.98."
TOM: <Geordi> I feel so inadequate.
> "Anything I can do?" Picard asked.
CROW: Yeah, break out the champagne and noisemakers.
> "Actually yes, their coarse will take them within three light
> years of you thought the Robinson Nebula," LaForge replied.
TOM&CROW: JOEL!!
MIKE: So *that's* where he's gotten to.
> "If you could arrange a welcoming party ..."
> "I think I can do that," Picard replied.
TOM: Hors d'ouevres, party hats, confetti... it'll be fun!
> "Keep me advised, Stargazer out. Picard to Scotty."
> "Scotty here."
CROW: Snot here, Captain.
MIKE: What's not there?
CROW: I said, Snot here, Captain!
TOM: Acknowledgements to Bobby Pickett and Peter Ferrara.
> "Can we take the Stargazer out?" Picard asked. "Someone just
> kidnapped my daughter and will be passing within three years of here.
MIKE: Oh, we've got plenty of time, then.
CROW: She'll almost be legal in three years.
> "Aye, sir, I've been needing to test structial stress under
> warp," Scotty said. "And it is your command."
TOM: <Scotty> Just have her back by nine. And no scratches!
> "Thank you Admiral, send the Doctor to the Bridge," Picard said.
> "Captain Picard to Lieutenant Lochard."
> "Lochard here."
> "Sorry to interrupt your double date with Ensign Henderson, but
> I need a bridge crew for the Stargazer and you come highly recommended," Picard said.
CROW: I heard you have *great* brown-nosing skills!
> "I will be right their as will Ensign Szustkowski, Ensign
> Henderson, and Ensign Williams," Lochard replied.
MIKE: He's the one who keeps waking us up with "Gooooood moooorning, Enterprise!"
> "How did you know that I was on a date."
TOM: <Picard> I am Criswell!
> "Adopting Marrissa has done wonders for my connection to the rumor mill.
CROW: She leads the Kids' Crew Spy Ring. Her agents are everywhere!
> Picard out"
>
> Chapter Five
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> The Stargazer was waiting by the Robinson Nebula for the Trakce and the Polaris.
TOM: Joel! Help us, Joel!
> "Mr. Lochard, time to Trakce arrival?" Captain Jean-Luc Picard inquired.
CROW: <Tor Johnson> Time for Trakce arrival?
> "Three minutes, They are still on a direct coarse," Lieutenant
> Ross Lochard said from tactical.
> "Captain, how do you know that they are going to drop out of
> warp here?" Ensign Katherine Szustakowski asked from CONN.
> "Entering this nebula at warp speed causes a catastrophic warp
> field failure," the Captain responded.
MIKE: Ho hum, another space anomaly that doesn't obey the laws of physics.
TOM: So *that's* what happens to the Voyager at the end of their intro!
> "They will stop here, one way or another."
CROW: It's the last chance for gas for 200 light years.
> Meanwhile on the Polaris, Geordi La Forge was looking for ways to
> speed his command up.
MIKE: The drugs just weren't working.
> "What's the speed now, Phillip?" he asked.
TOM: 20% pure, sir.
> "Warp 9.982,"
CROW: ...or so.
> Lieutenant Phillip Andrews responded.
> "Engineering to Bridge."
> "Bridge here," La Forge responded.
> "Please check my readings," Lieutenant Chris Crocker asked.
MIKE: Yes folks, he is *still* a lieutenant, just in case you were wondering.
> "Power levels are warp 9.2 equivailant, but speed reads 9.982"
TOM: Try flicking the dial - sometimes it gets stuck.
> "Phillip?" La Forge asked.
> "Readings confirmed," Andrews confirmed.
> "Gentlemen, I think we have just found another warp asintote," La Forge said.
CROW: That's nice... what the hell are you talking about?
> "Captain, the Trakce vessel is coming out of warp," Andrews announced.
MIKE: Oh, it figures, just when they find the warp asin-thingy.
> The bright yellow Trakce vessel stood out on the black background of
> space opposite the Stargazer and the rainbow colored Robinson Nebula.
MIKE: <waving arms> Joel! Can you see us? Help!
> "Open Hailing Frequencies," Picard ordered.
> "Hailing Frequencies open," Lochard responded.
TOM: <Lochard> ...and might I add that you look absolutely striking this morning?
> "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship
> Stargazer. You have my daughter. I would like her back."
MIKE: Well, at least he's short and to the point.
> The black face Trakce Ath Ressel appeared on screen.
ALL: <uncontrolled laughter>
CROW: "Ath Ressel"?
> "So we meet again, Captain Picard," he said. "You seem to have gone down in the
> galaxy.
TOM: Thirty-seven times?!
> Last time I met you had a larger ship. Now the tables are turned."
> "I borrowed my old command. Are you returning my daughter?"
> "No"
MIKE: Not even a piece or two?
> "That's to bad I was looking forward to seeing her again."
TOM: <Picard> Oh well, I give up. You can have her.
> "You'll see her all-right ... in my brig," Ath Ressel concluded, cutting the channel.
CROW: <Picard> Oh yeah, well, double dumb-ass on you!
> "Captain, the Trakce vessel has raised shields and are charging
> weapons," Lieutenant Lochard announced.
MIKE: <Lochard> And I'd just like to say that you handled that beaut--
TOM: <Picard> Shut up, Ross.
> "Raise shields, ready phasers and photon torpedoes," Picard
> ordered. "Target engines and weapons."
CROW: Ours or theirs, sir?
> "Incoming," Ross replied. "Shields up."
> "Evasive." Picard commanded.
>
> Purple bolts shot out of the yellow Trakce ship toward the
> Stargazer. The Stargazer neatly side stepped it.
MIKE: Then did a quick plie'.
> The Trakce vessel then moved to go around the Stargazer and into the nebula.
TOM: <Picard> Damn! We didn't count on that!
> "Helm new coarse, 271 mark 3," Picard ordered. "Keep them out
> of the Nebula. Mr Lochard fire phasers.
>
> The Stargazer and the Trakce ship paralleled each other and the
> nebula, the Stargazer slightly ahead. The Stargazer continued to pound
> the Trakce vessel. Then the Intrepid class starship Polaris came out of
> warp on the opposite side of the Trakce ship from the Stargazer. Withering
> under the cross fire from the two Starfleet vessels the Trakce vessel slowed.
MIKE: What happened to not firing on a ship in case the prisoner got hurt?
TOM: Since it's Marrissa, I don't really care.
> Backing out of the cross fire it turned across the rear
> of the Stargazer, and executing a final run fled into the Nebula.
CROW: That wasn't much of a fight.
MIKE: Hey, by Ratliff standards, that was a friggin' John Woo film.
> "Damn," Captain Picard said.
TOM: <Picard> No way we can follow them in there.
> "Mr. Lochard, nearest vessels on the other side of the Nebula."
CROW: Mr. Lochard, all other vessels in the story.
> "The Independence and the Coral Sea are passing though the
> area," Ross Lochard said.
MIKE: Gosh, what a *coincidence* that Jay and Troi were just put in command
of those two very ships!
> "The Sutherland is stationed at the Daystorm
> Institute for Engineering on the coarse they were flying before."
CROW: Must have been pretty *rough*. Hee hee...
> "Contact the Independence," Picard commanded.
> "Independence responding."
> "On screen."
> Jay Gordon appeared on the main view screen on the battle bridge
> of the Independence. "This is acting-Captain Jay Gordon
TOM: ...Liddy.
> of the Independence, how may I help you Captain Picard."
MIKE: <Picard> Yeah, you can get your acting-ass off of that bridge!
> "Jay, a Trakce ship has kidnapped Marrissa," Picard replied.
> "Be on the lookout. We have just lost them in the Robinson Nebula.
TOM: Keep 'em there, Joel!
> Why are you in command of the Independence?"
CROW: Taking the long view, I'd blame Scooby-Doo.
> "An away team brought a plague on board," Jay answered. "The
> Kid's Crew was isolated, so I got my first command."
MIKE: Everyone else is watching their internal organs dissolve. It's really cool!
> "Congratulations," Picard said. "I am sending all my
> information. Inform the Stargazer, the Polaris, the Sutherland, and the
> Coral Sea if you spot them. Stargazer out. Open a channel to the Coral Sea."
> "Coral Sea responding," Lochard replied.
> "On screen."
> Counselor Troi appeared on the view screen in a red uniform with four pips.
CROW: Gladys Knight is gonna be pissed!
> "Starship Coral Sea, Captain Deanna Troi commanding," she said.
> "You are in command of the Coral Sea?" Picard said in disbelief.
TOM: <Picard> But you're dumber than a bag of nails!
MIKE: Much more of this and Picard is gonna quit.
> "Admiral Necheyev thought I'd be a perfect CO for this mission
> when the command crew of the Coral Sea came down with food poisoning,"
> Troi replied.
> "Which is?"
CROW: What happens when you eat food contaminated with bacteria, but that's
not important right now.
> "I am transporting my Mother to Deep Space Nine," Troi responded.
TOM: Berman decided to do another crossover episode.
> "Back to why I called you," Picard said quickly. "The Trakce
> have kidnapped my daughter. The Polaris and myself on the Stargazer
> chased them down but lost them in the Robinson Nebula."
> "And you want us to be on the look out for them," Troi completed.
MIKE: <Picard> No, I want you to go away. You'll only screw things up.
> "Yes, if you find them, keep up with them and inform the
> Stargazer, the Polaris, the Independence, and the Sutherland," Picard asked.
CROW: Donald or Kiefer?
> "The Sutherland may not have a crew," Troi said. "They where at
> the same banquet as the command crew of the Coral Sea."
> "Thank you, Stargazer out."
> As the channel closed, Scotty entered the bridge.
TOM: <Scotty> Any use for me this chapter, Captain?
> "Mr. Lochard get me Lieutenant Commander Data at the Daystorm
> Institute for Engineering," Picard asked.
TOM: <Scotty> Okay, I'll just stand over here and be Scottish, then.
> "Lieutenant Commander Data on screen," Lochard replied. Data
> was sitting in a room full of late twenty-th century computers. Data was
> examining a Commodore 64.
CROW: <Data, sobbing> Daddy!!
> Behind him, Clara Sutter was sitting in front of a Apple IIgs.
MIKE: ...playing "Wasteland".
> "Data here."
> "Data, is the Sutherland still at the Daystorm Institute?"
> "Yes, Captain. However the Sutherland is currently lacking a
> command staff due to food poisoning," Data replied.
> "Data, I want you to talk command of the Sutherland," Picard ordered.
TOM: He wants him to give it lip service!
> "A Trakce vessel has kidnapped Lieutenant Picard. We pursued it but lost
> in it the Robinson Nebula. We believe it may be heading your way."
CROW: Great, we get to sit through this again. Hasn't he ever heard of
conference calling?
> "Captain, only an Admiral in Starfleet Science or Engineering
> can assign me to command the Sutherland," Data objected.
> From behind Captain Picard, Scotty spoke up, "Consider yourself
> assigned. I never thought I'd have use for these Admiral's bars."
MIKE: What with his chocolate allergy and all.
> "Admiral, Captain, the Sutherland will be in service and under
> my command within the hour," Data replied.
> "Report any siting to the Stargazer, the Polaris, the
> Independence, and the Coral Sea," Picard ordered. "Stargazer out."
TOM: And so are we! Let's go.
[Mike picks up Tom and they all leave the theater.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...*...
[SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the counter. Tom and Crow are
sobbing and whimpering. Mike is trying to comfort them.]
MIKE: Come on, you guys. Cheer up, it's only a fanfic.
TOM: <sobbing> I can't! It's too horrible!
CROW: <ditto> We won't make it! I know it!
MIKE: No, that's not true. It's the last book! We're almost done! And
it can't possibly get any worse...
[Suddenly Mike breaks down crying.]
MIKE: Oh god, who am I kidding? This is the most depraved work Ratliff
has ever done! This fanfic makes me feel like the time when I was
nine and my weird cousin held me underwater for what seemed like an
hour but was probably only a few minutes and my chest started hurting
real bad and I couldn't breathe and I could feel the pressure on my
skull and I was trashing around but he still wouldn't let me up and
I could feel until I started seeing spots and he finally let me up
and he thought it was funn-yyyyy...
[Tom and Crow have recovered and now are trying to comfort Mike.]
TOM: Aw, it's not the end of the world, Mike!
CROW: Yeah, we'll just keep on riffing and eventually we'll get through it!
MIKE: <sobbing> No! Ratliff has scarred me for life!
TOM: Mike, you've been a pillar of strength throughout this fanfic. Don't give up now!
[Mike does not respond. Tom and Crow look at each other.]
CROW: Okay, we were hoping we wouldn't need this, but we made something
just in case you snapped.
MIKE: What?
TOM: Reach underneath the counter there...
[Mike reaches underneath the counter and pulls out a doll. The doll has
blond hair and is wearing a red Starfleet uniform.]
MIKE: What's this?
CROW: It's a Marrissa doll.
MIKE: Aaaagh!!
[Mike drops the doll and backs away, staring at it like a timid animal.]
TOM: No, no, Mike, it's okay!
CROW: Just pretend like it's a voodoo doll of Marrissa.
[Mike walks back up to the counter and picks up the doll.]
MIKE: A voodoo doll?
TOM: Yeah! Anything you do to that doll happens to Marrissa in real life!
[Apprehensively, Mike gives the doll and few jabs to the body. He smiles.
Then he pinches the doll's head and starts talking like that guy on "Kids
in the Hall".]
MIKE: I'm squishing your head! Squish! Squish!
CROW: Starting to feel better, Mike?
MIKE: A little bit. Hey, watch this!
[Mike bites the head off of the Marrissa doll. As he spits out the head,
red "blood" spurts out of the doll's neck. Tom and Crow cheer him on.]
MIKE: Oh, wow! Real blood and everything!
TOM: Hey, Mike, try that stuff over there!
MIKE: Huh? Oh, this stuff?
[Mike reaches off-screen and gets a container marked "Liquid Nitrogen".
He dips doll's legs into the container while Tom and Crow giggle in
anticipation. Then Mike slams the doll onto the counter. The doll's
lower half shatters into a million pieces. Everyone cheers. Then
the cheers and laughs die down.]
TOM: Oh, for fun.
MIKE: So what else can we do to this thing?
[Lights and buzzers go off.]
MIKE: It's gonna have to wait, cause WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1...*...
[They enter the theater.]
MIKE: See ya later, Marrissa!
[Mike throws the headless, legless doll across the theater.]
MIKE: I have to thank you guys. That was very theraputic.
CROW: Null problemo, amigo!
>
> Chapter Six
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Lieutenant Commander Data and Clara Sutter arrived on the
> Bridge of the Sutherland. Data wore the class C command uniform and
> Clara wore the same with her ensign's pip.
> "Miss Sutter, I need a first officer," Data said. "I would like
> you in that position."
> "Why?" Clara asked.
TOM: Good question.
> "You are currently listed as the Enterprise's Kid's Crew first
> officer," Data said. "you have command experience. You have a 17n
> minute 29.271735 second Kobayashi Maru time ..."
MIKE: Which is apprently all they grade on.
CROW: <frustrated sigh> I'm pretty sure Data would round off more than that.
> "All-right, All-right, I'll take the job," Clara interrupted.
TOM: <Clara> Jeez, *force* promotion down my throat! Guy!
> "Then take your station Lieutenant," Data ordered.
> Clara moved toward the first officer's seat. Suddenly realizing
> what Data said, she swirled around. Her long hair coming around her
> face. "What do you mean Lieutenant?" she asked.
MIKE: You know, that *word* that Ratliff keeps using over and over and over?
> "I forgot to tell you?" Data replied. "Most shocking, I must
> remember to run a full diagnostic. The position comes with the rank of
> at least full Lieutenant."
> "You mean I out rank Marrissa as long as I have this position,"
> Clara said. "I'm going to enjoy this when we catch up with Marrissa.
> I've never out ranked her before."
CROW: <Clara> I finally get to put that snooty bitch in her place!
> "Hopefully, you will be able to enjoy it," Data said.
> "Data, I have yet to find anything that Marrissa hasn't been
> able to turn to her advantage," Clara replied.
TOM: She's scary that way.
> "Then let us begin,' Data responded. "Clara."
> "Tactical, full scan for Trakce warp signatures," Clara ordered.
>
> Meanwhile on the Trakce ship Cobopol,
MIKE: ...whose software was some 300 years out of date...
> Marrissa was needling information from her captors.
CROW: You'd think that would be the other way around.
> "You mean you captured me to use as a puppet governor," Marrissa laughed.
TOM: <Marrissa> That's the stupidest plot device I've ever heard!
> "You sure got the wrong girl."
> "Do not be so sure," the Trakce with yellow and orange ribbons
> in her hair said. "How does your father disapline you?"
MIKE: With spelling flames.
> "Lieutenant junior grade Marrissa Amber Picard. serial number
> SPE-70-HU-1125-0893-9666," Marrissa replied.
CROW: <reciting> ...25-0893-9... 666?! AAAHH! SHE'S EVIL!!
> "How do you become Captain of a ship like this?"
TOM: Practice, man, practice.
> "Any one who has defeated the Captain can relieve him," the Trakce replied.
TOM&CROW: <klaxon sounds>
MIKE: Plot point! Plot point!
> "Any particular way?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: Well, usually you try to aim him towards the toilet, and... d'oh!
> "No, he just has to conseed defeat."
> "Thank you. Now what else do you want to know?"
> "What position does your father hold?"
> "He is between jobs."
TOM: <Trakce> Oh, he's a bum, eh?
> "What was his last job?"
MIKE: Alien social workers, in action!
> "Lieutenant Marrissa Amber Picard ..."
>
> Back on the Sutherland, the scans for a Trakce ship was
> progressing. "Tactical, status of search?" Clara asked, pacing.
> "No sign of them yet," the tactical officer said.
CROW: <officer, grumbling> Like I'd keep it a secret.
> "Lieutenant, sit down, you are wearing a rut in the carpet," Data asked.
TOM: Take it off, you look rediculous.
> "Sorry, I'm not use to the wait," Clara said sitting down.
> "I've always had something to do on duty."
MIKE: Hey, maybe Data's smarter than we gave him credit for! By promoting
Clara to First Officer - the Starfleet equivalent of Vice President -
she can't possibly screw anything up!
> "Captain, now detecting Trakce warp signature," tactical
> announced. "1 mark 3 distance 8 parsecs and closing at warp 9.99."
> "Heading?" Data asked.
> "They are heading towards us," tactical said. "They miss the
> outer limits of the solar system by 3 point one AUs."
CROW: Do not adjust your television...
> "CONN set a course for intercept," Clara ordered. "Warp 9.82
> once we clear the solar system ..."
> "Lieutenant, we can only hold that speed for 10 seconds," the
> engineer responded.
> "Check my paper on integral warp factors," Clara said. "This
> vessel can go warp 9.995 for that long we can hold warp 9.991 for 24
> hours."
TOM: Amazing how Starfleet's army of engineers never noticed that.
> "Intreg, you have projected 3 more integral warp factors," Data said.
CROW: Is "Intreg" a character, a ship, or an algorithm?
MIKE: I think it's a physical manifestation of Ratliff's science phobia.
> "Contact the Independence and tell them to close in on the
> Trakce and rendezvous with us in one minute. Inform the rest that we are
> about to engage the Trakce."
TOM: We'll be June brides!
> On the Independence, acting-Captain Jay Gordon was reading the
> Sutherland's message, "Message to Sutherland, I can meet you at the
> appointed time. However I can't meet the Trakce's warp 9.99"
CROW: Too rich for my blood.
> "Message sent," Jay's tactical officer, Sibik said. After a
> moment he continued," The Sutherland's first officer is requesting visual contact."
MIKE: <Jay> Just a second, let me put some clothes on.
> "On screen,' Jay replied.
> Clara Sutter appeared on the view screen. "Hi, Jay," She said.
TOM: <Clara> Can you come over and play?
> "What's this about not being able to match the Trakce's warp 9.99"
> "Clara you should know that a Galaxy Class starship maximum
> speed is warp 9.984 for ten seconds," jay replied. "After all you were
> acting chief engineer on one."
CROW: Yeah, but it doesn't mean she knows what she's doing.
> "I delivered a paperbound copy of the magazine that publishes my
> first article," Clara said, "and you don't even read it. Amazing.
MIKE: It was in Playgirl, for chrissakes.
> Jay when you reach warp 9.982, power levels drop off to the same as warp 9.2
> Therefore you have a maximum speed of warp 9.997 for ten seconds,
> theoretically."
TOM: She's invented the Infinite Bullshit Drive!
MIKE: Tom...
TOM: Sorry.
> "OK, but if we burn out the warp core, it's your fault," Jay replied.
> "that's extremely unlikely.
CROW: <Clara> I'm *never* wrong.
> Sutherland out."
> "On the USS Coral Sea, Counselor Deanna Troi was talking to her
> mother, "Mother, Will and I are just friends," Deanna said. "Worf and
> myself, that's a different story."
MIKE: <Deanna> We go at it like rabbits!
> "You and Mr Woof?" Laxwanna asked.
TOM: You know, that's not even funny when she says it on the actual show.
> "Bridge to Captain Troi."
> "Troi, go ahead."
> "Message from the Sutherland, Captain."
> "Pipe it down to my quarters," Deanna said.
> "Why is everyone calling you Captain, Little One," Laxwanna thought.
> "I'm the commanding officer on this vessel, not ship's
> counselor, Mother," Deanna said. "If their ever was a good time to stop
> calling me Little One, now is it."
CROW: <Troi> Now it's *Captain* Little One to you.
> Then Clara finally appeared on screen. "Captain, you better
> work on your crew, I reached Engineering, Sick bay, and Crew Mess before
> getting though to you," She said. "Not even the youngest member of the
> Kid's crew is that bad."
MIKE: At least Troi's crew doesn't wet the bed, Lt. Princess.
> "I'll arrange some training," Deanna said.
> "We need you to continue on your present course but increase to
> warp 9.99," Clara informed. "We are about to intercept the Trakce ship.
> Hopefully with the combined might of a Nuebla,
CROW: Ooh, that ship has a creamy nuebla center!
> a Galaxy class, and a Excelsior class, we can retrieve Marrissa."
MIKE: Now the only question is, do we *want* to retrieve Marrissa.
> "Since warp 9.99 is advised, I assume that your article has been
> confirmed," Deanna inquired.
TOM: <Clara> Um, yeah, that's it, it's been confirmed. That's the ticket.
> "As of a minute ago," Clara said.
CROW: <Clara> ...by me.
> "How is it that Data and a person that I personally gave a copy hadn't read it but you have?"
> "I find it advisable to keep up with the latest theories of the
> person who keeps making Engineering fill up my schedule," Deanna Troi replied.
MIKE: I liked it. Best work of fiction I've read in a long time!
> "Coral Sea out. Troi to Bridge. increase speed to warp 9.99,
> Red Alert, Battle stations
>
> Chapter Seven
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Clara returned from the Sutherland's ready room and said,
TOM: "Aahh, that fiber really works wonders."
> "All ships have been informed. The Coral Sea and the Independence are on coarse.
> "Excellent, time to intercept tactical?" Data replied.
> "Fifteen seconds.'
> "All hands to Battle stations, RED ALERT," Clara ordered.
CROW: We're still 16 seconds from battle, yellow alert is okay.
> "Open a channel to the Trakce vessel," Data commanded.
MIKE: <Data> Excuse me, I'm trying to command here?
> "Channel open."
> "Trakce vessel, this is the Federation Starship Sutherland,
> please return Lieutenant Picard at once or we will be forced to open fire.
TOM: All Starfleet officers are graduates of the ATF School of Hostage Negotiation!
> "Take your best shot," was the Trakce's reply coupled with a
> brace of torpedoes. The Sutherland shock.
CROW: That was when Julia Roberts left him, right?
> "Return fire," Clara ordered in the traditional first officer manner
MIKE: With her feet apart, head tilted forward, and face bearded?
> The Sutherland and the Trakce ship began to exchange volleys
> while traveling side by side at warp 9.99 .
CROW: Woo! Highway tennis!
TOM: You know, I'm pretty sure that's against the laws of physics.
> Meanwhile on the Independence, Jay was preparing for his entry
> into the fray. "Has engineering been decontaminated?" he asked.
MIKE: Okay, who booted?
> "Yes," his chief engineer, Tira Nomel replied.
CROW: <Belgian accent> Miss Lemon, please check the warp core. The little
grey cells say there is something wrong with it.
> "Take your team down there and prepare for battle," Jay ordered.
TOM: It's time to kill the regular chief engineer.
> "Time to intercept?"
> "Thirty Seconds," Sibek responded.
> "All hands to battle stations, RED ALERT," Jay commanded.
MIKE: <announcer> Thrill to 230 different commanders ordering red alerts!
> When the Independence arrived on the port-side of the battle, the
> Sutherland and the Trakce vessel were letting each other have it.
CROW: Oh, that's nice of them.
> The Galaxy class vessel pulled up beside the Trakce vessel and opened fire.
> The Trakce vessel flinched to the starboard as phasers and photon
> torpedoes impacted there shields.
TOM: You flinched! I get to hit you on the arm!
MIKE: Let's face it. If a word has two spellings, Ratliff will pick the wrong one.
> "Continue to parallel the Trakce ship, Robert," Jay said.
CROW: Now J.R. Dobbs is on board!
> "Sibek, watch your targeting, we just want to disable them."
>
> On board the Coral Sea, Commander Deanna Troi was preparing for battle.
TOM: <Troi> I just have enough time to put on my lipstick and mascara!
> "Intercept time, Tactical?" she requested.
> "Ninety seconds," tactical returned.
MIKE: ...deleting its automatic variables.
> "Be ready to fire," Troi said. "They will be coming up to the
> aft, port-side."
> "Captain, we might be able to travel backwards, allowing us to
> bring more weapons to bare," the CONN Officer suggested.
CROW: Hey, this is a family show!
> "Engineering, would traveling backwards effect our speed?" Troi asked.
TOM: No, but that beeping is as annoying as hell.
> "Not after the initial turn," the Engineer replied.
MIKE: Here it is in the fanfic writers' guide: "Ask a stupid question, lose a turn."
> "Make the turn, CONN," Troi ordered.
> The Coral Sea's warp engines dipped as it's saucer rose.
CROW: Its mother slapped it and told it to stop drinking out of the saucer.
> The Excelsior Class Starship continued until it was facing backwards up side down.
TOM: Define upside-down, in deep space.
MIKE: And now the USS Coral Sea will present Ratliff's cognitive skills
through interpretive dance.
> Righting itself, it resumed full speed as the battle came in
> front of the ship instead of the rear.
CROW: Whoops! We've got to be on the exact same plane as the other ship!
It's a cardinal rule of Star Trek!
> The Coral Sea joined the fire storm
TOM: <singing> Hey hey, burned away in the night on fire and the sunless day...
> and the Trakce vessel's turn became more pronounced/
> Suddenly two shots from the Trakce ship pierced the Sutherland and
> Independence's shields. A globe-like object attached itself to the Sutherland's
> hull near the warp core ejection plate and another did likewise outside the Independence.
MIKE: It's a bug-hunt, man.
> "Power drain from the warp core," Clara announced. "We are losing speed."
CROW: <Clara> I guess I was wrong, after all.
> On the Independence, Jay's helmsman, Robert Yamoto announced, "We are losing speed."
TOM: Ensign Ethnic to the rescue!
> "Bridge to Engineering," Jay said. "Tira, what is going on down there?"
MIKE: Spin the Bottle, sir.
> "We are losing power," Tira replied. "I', attempting to track it down now ... SHIT!
CROW: Piles of it, dead ahead!
> Drop out of warp now."
> "We are fighting a battle, Tira," Jay replied. "I need a reason."
> "The power drain is being caused by a device on our hull and it
> looks like it is building up towards exploding, right below anti-matter
> storage," Tira responded. "I have to shut down the core."
> "Robert take us out of warp," Jay commanded. "Karla inform our
> fellow Starfleet vessels."
> "Already done," Karla replied.
TOM: <Jay> How *dare* you usurp my command!
> The Sutherland and the Independence left the Coral Sea to fight
> alone. Though the stars the Trakce ship and the Coral Sea fought,
> speeding along at warp 9.99 .
MIKE: So... the two ships are still fighting, then?
CROW: It's the text equivalent of one of those filler shots.
> Meanwhile in Klingon Space,
TOM: ...another fantastic coincidence was about to occur.
> Worf was testing a prototype for the
> Klingon Imperial Navy. One and a quarter the length of a Galaxy Class
> Starship, this vessel boasted better weapons than mot other ships.
MIKE: It had twin Super Soaker Cannons!
> In fact in the Alpha Quadrant only the Defiant was had better.
CROW: The Defiant's been had!
> "Father, this Operations console needs serious work," Alexander,
> son of Worf said.
> "That is my opinion as well," Worf replied.
> "If this was my ship, I'd be ripping out this Console and the
> Engineering station and replacing them with Federation Models,"
> Alexander said.
TOM: <Alexander> And then I'd crash it into the sun! It'd be so cool!
> Just as Alexander completed that sentence the bridge doors opened and several
> Klingons entered carrying boxes of various sizes.
MIKE: Letters from the children! This proves that Santa exists!
> "You can start with the operations console, now," Worf ordered.
> The Klingons ripped out the console and some of the surrounding area.
CROW: Hey, that unscrews, you know!
> "What model?" Alexander asked.
> "Intrepid one B," Worf replied.
TOM: Isn't that a rap group?
> "Incoming call from a Federation Starship, the USS Coral Sea,"
> the communications officer said. "Captain Deanna Troi commanding."
> "On Screen."
MIKE: In Stereo.
CROW: Closed Captioned.
TOM: Prerecorded Before a Live Audience.
> Deanna Troi appeared on the screen. "Worf, I'm trying to
> disable a Trakce ship which has kidnapped the Captains daughter. We are
> heading at warp 9.99 toward your location."
MIKE: Jeez, in every other Trek story there's not another ship in the whole quadrant!
> "I will meet you as soon as the Trakce enter Klingon Space," Worf said.
CROW: And as soon as we can get our ops console put back in.
> "We will then direct them towards the most powerful warship in the Quadrant."
> "I'll arrange for everyone to meet us there," Troi responded.
> "Everyone?"
TOM: <Worf> I was hoping it would just be the two of us, snugglebunny.
> "Captain Picard in command of the Stargazer; LaForge, the
> Polaris; Jay Gordon, the Independence; and Data, the Sutherland."
> "Large fleet, who is in command?"
MIKE: <Troi> What did you call me?
> "Admiral Scott on paper.
CROW: He isn't housebroken yet.
> Captain Picard in reality."
TOM: Shari Belafonte in Beyond Reality.
> "Thank you, inform the Captain that I look forward to meeting
> him at Deep Space Nine."
> "You are awful sure of yourself, Worf"
MIKE: Strong enough for a Klingon... but made for a Romulan.
> "As always."
CROW: It's the testosterone poisoning.
>
> Chapter Eight
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Commander Riker and Commander Sisko were chatting in Commander
> Sisko's office on Deep Space Nine.
TOM: And in yet *another* unrelated story...
> "I hear you cleaned out Quirk again," Sisko said.
ALL: EWWW!!!!!!
MIKE: Captain Gym Z. Quirk?
> "You should see the twitch he has when I enter his bar," Riker replied.
CROW: <Riker> I tell you, he'll never look at another man again.
> "Ops to Commanders Riker and Sisko."
> "Sisko here."
> "Message from Captain Picard for both of you," Kira's voice replied.
> "Pipe it in here, Major."
ALL: <imitate a bagpipe>
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard appeared on screen from the bridge of the Stargazer.
> "Commander Sisko, you are about to have a lot of visitors," he said.
TOM: The Dead are coming for a concert.
> "Why?" Sisko asked. "and more importantly how many?"
MIKE: <Sisko> I need to know how many placesettings to put out.
> "The Trakce have made another appearance and this time they have
> made off with my daughter," Picard replied.
CROW: And I told them to be home by ten, dammit!
> "Chase was given by several starships, losing them once. Currently the Coral
> Sea under Captain Deanna Troi and the IKV Kempec under Lieutenant Commander Worf are
> driving them toward you.
TOM: Yee-ha! Get along, little Trakce!
CROW: So Deep Space 9 is really close to Klingon territory?
MIKE: As someone said on Usenet, there's a fine line between suspension of
disbelief and hanging your disbelief by the neck until dead, dead, dead.
> The other ships chasing Marrissa's Kidnapers will be meeting up with them there.:
TOM: This is like "Cannonball Run"... except maybe a little better.
> "Which ships?" Sisko asked.
> "Under whose command?" Riker added.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
CROW: Jeez, didn't you read the last chapter?
> "The Stargazer under myself; the Polaris, Lieutenant Commander
> Geordi LaForge; the Sutherland, Lieutenant Commander Data; and the
> Independence under Jay Gordon."
MIKE: Thank you, Captain Exposition.
> "It's not even a month after the Enterprise was declared a lose
> and already Enterprise alumni have command of six starships," Riker smiled.
TOM: Our evil plan of galactic domination appears to be working!
> "Who is this Jay Gordon?" Sisko asked.
> "he use to be Marrissa's first officer on the Kid's crew,"
> Picard replied. "He is an excellent commander for his age. But then
> all of Marrissa's crew are excellent officers for their age. He has a
> 18 minute Kobayshi Maru time."
> "Eighteen minutes," Sisko exclaimed.
> "Marrissa holds the record at 21:14," Picard replied.
CROW: Too bad nobody else in Starfleet actually times themselves.
> "What are we going to do with this Trakce ship?" Sisko asked.
MIKE: Follow it to the next plot point, I guess.
> "Disable them and get my daughter back," Picard replied. "Hopefully,
> begin surrounded by six starships and a space station will convince them to surrender."
TOM: The space station is going to join the chase? Uh oh, they're in trouble now!
> "Seven starships, three runabouts and a space station,
> Captain," Sisko corrected. "Plus what ever Bajor wants to send."
CROW: <British accent> Wait, make that 7 starships, 3 runabouts, a space
station, and a giant negated-space turkey of infinite power. No, no,
*eight*... look, I'll come in again.
> "Thank you Commander, Stargazer out."
> "Commander Riker, take the Defiant out," Sisko said. "Oh and
> Commander I want her back when your done."
MIKE: Have her back by midnight, and remember to use protection!
> Meanwhile on the Trakce ship Marrissa was enjoying the shaking
> and shuttering it was suffering.
ALL: <clear throats>
> Her questioner was not. "It seems that Ath Russel hasn't learnt anything
> in the past three years," she said. "Too bad."
TOM: So... when does the brutal interrogation begin?
ALL: <chanting> Torture! Torture! Torture!
> The the intercom said, "Hej, bring the girl to the bridge."
CROW: It it has quite a reverb.
> "things aren't going well for you," Marrissa stated as they
> entered the bridge from the attached interagation room.
> On the bridge the view screen was split between two images.
MIKE: It's a conference call!
> The right one was the forward view of the backward traveling USS Coral Sea.
TOM: It's the wackiest ship in Starfleet!
> The left was the rear view which was the Klingon prototype Kempec. Both
> were firing intensely.
CROW: ...at each other.
> "Current speed helm," Ath Russel inquired.
MIKE: Hey, his name changed! He was Ath Ressel before!
> "Warp 3 and deceasing," a Trakce with a yellow and a green ribbon
> in his hair. "We are unable to alter coarse without serious harm to our shields."
TOM: <Helm> Just take my word for it.
> "You are in big trouble ," Marrissa interrupted.
CROW: <whiny Marrissa voice> I'm gonna tell on you!
> "but kidnapping a Starfleet Lieutenant is asking for it."
> "Be silent," the Ath ordered.
> "No," Marrissa replied.
CROW: <again> You can't make me!
> "Do you challenge my authority, girl-rl," Ath Russel growled.
> "I can't," Marrissa replied.
> "Explain why?" Ath replied.
MIKE: It's not the end of the chapter yet.
> Marrissa smiled as the Helmsman interrupted, "They have forced us out of warp."
> The viewscreen switched to a circular view. showing every ship surrounding them.
TOM: When did they have CircleVision installed?
CROW: When they were an attraction at SpaceDisney.
> Directly ahead was the Excelsior class starship Coral Sea. NCC-9397. Forty-five degrees
> to the starboard the Galaxy class starship Independence stood weapons ready.
> Directly to starboard the USS Stargazer, Constellation Class NCC-2893, readied for battle.
> Next the Nebula Class starship Sutherland positioned itself in textbook
> attack stance.
MIKE: Its economics books were armed and ready for deployment.
> Directly behind them the Klingon prototype vessel the IKV Kempec stood ready.
TOM: ...to blow the Sutherland out of existance.
> Forty five degrees more around the USS Defiant NX-74205 shimmered into view.
> Directly to port Deep Space Nine stood at the ready.
CROW: Well, as ready as a stationary object can be, anyway.
> The final ship, the USS Polaris readied for battle half-way between DS9 and the Coral Sea.
MIKE: <Spock> Their patterns indicate two-dimensional thinking.
> "Helm, full stop," Ath Russel ordered. Above the Trakce vessel three
> Starfleet Runabouts moved into place. Below six Bajor vessels did likewise.
TOM: If there's a battle, they'll all be killed in one colassal crossfire.
> "Incoming message form the vessel directly to starboard," a
> Trakce with a yellow and a blue ribbon announced.
CROW: He took first at state, but only third at nationals.
> "On screen."
> Captain Picard appeared on the screen. "this is Captain Jean
> Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Stargazer. I see you have Lieutenant
> Marrissa Picard," he observed. "I'd appreciate if you'd send her back."
MIKE: You can keep the rest of her, though.
> "Why should I?"
> "Because you are not leaving until you do," Picard replied.
TOM: <Picard> Now you go straight to your room, young man.
> "Then you better prepare to fight. Ready all weapons."
CROW: He's outnumbered, what, 20 to 1? He's not too bright, is he?
MIKE: The Trakce are just hopelessly inept as a species.
> "Belay that order," Marrissa countermanded with authority.
> "How dare you challenge my authority," Ath Russel said angerly.
TOM: <Trakce> I'll show you authority - I'll end this chapter!
>
> Chapter Nine
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The Tracke Captain stood angerly before Marrissa who still wore
> her read and black swimming suit.
MIKE: Hey, it's a Necronomicon swimsuit.
> Ge was ready to seend Marrissa to meet her maker.
CROW: <chanting> Do it... do it... do the deed...
> "How dare you," Ath Russel repeated.
> "You asked me earlier why I couldn't challenge you," Marrissa
> replied. "According to your own laws if you defeat someone they command you.
TOM: So... if you lose, you are put in command?
MIKE: <chuckling> That would explain a lot, actually.
CROW: For those of you playing along at home, she's got that ass-backwards.
> It is the responsablity of the defeated to renew the confect."
> "No girl has defeated me," Russel scowled.
> "Think back three years," Marrissa said. "You tried to capture
> a Federation shuttle from the USS Enterprise, the April.
TOM: Has it really been three years since we started this fanfic?
CROW: Seems like it.
> It was forced down an a nearby plant. The Pilot and co-Pilot were killed.
MIKE: Thus beginning Marrissa's wholesale slaughter of the Trakce species.
> As the oldest surving person I took command. You lead a team sown and tried to
> capture me and my friends. You lost three crew members and retreated, panic stricken."
> Captain Picard then got into the act. "Remember this Ath?" he asked.
CROW: Then Picard dropped his pants and mooned him!
> The viewsceen showed a Trakce shuttle exiting the planet's atmostsphere.
> "You were so scared you left after I fired a couple shots at you." The veiw
> continued as the Enterprise fired a couple of shots and the Track ship retreated.
> "Seems to me that Marrissa has you under her command."
TOM: That just leaves Admiral Necheyev she hasn't commanded.
> "If you arem't challenging mem I'd like that braclet of yours," Marrissa said sweetly.
MIKE: <Marrissa> It would look great with my red dress and pumps.
> This infurreated the Ath
CROW: A Trakcen Warewolf in London!
> and he rushed Marrissa. She side
> stepped him and stuck out her foot.
TOM: <Ath> Whoops, should've seen *that* one coming...
> The Ath tripped and fell knocking his head on a nearby console. This left him dazed.
MIKE: This isn't "Star Trek" so much as "Road Runner".
> "You won't mind me taking this will you?" Marrissa mutted
> removing the Trakce's bracelet.
> "What is your command?" the helmsman asked of the young human girl.
> "Lower shields and prepare for my inspection party to beam
> aboard," Marrissa ordered her new crew.
CROW: And thus, any sparks of dramatic tension are quickly extinguished.
> Turning to the viewscreen she continued, "Dad, I see Lieutenant Lochard is aboard your ship.
TOM: <Picard> Yeah. Could you get him to stop kissing my feet?
> Send him over with what ever engineers you can spare who would like to admire an
> alien craft."
MIKE: <Marrissa> ...and me.
> "Consider it done," her father replied. "Anything else."
> "Yes, bring me a uniform, I've been sitting in a wet swimming
> suit for the past five hours," Marrissa said.
CROW: It hasn't dried yet? She must be cold-blooded.
> "Lieutenant Picard out.
> Communications, request a docking port from Deep Space Nine."
>
> Epilogue
> ~~~~~~~~
ALL: <much rejoicing>
TOM: Bring it on home, Ratliff!
MIKE: Our long national nightmare is over! Well, almost...
> After returning the Sutherland, the Polaris, and the Stargazer,
CROW: ...and being court-martialed for starship theft...
> and curing the crew of the Independence,
TOM: ...with a wave of Marrissa's magic wand...
> Starfleet sent a runabout to take the former command crew of the Enterprise-D to their new ship.
> "Did you find out what ship we are getting?" Riker asked Captain Picard.
MIKE: <Riker> They never tell me anything.
> "We will probably get a garbage scowl after losing the Enterprise," Geordi commented.
> "Their are no garbage scowls currently in Starfleet," Data replied.
CROW: No, everybody's pretty damn perky, aren't they?
> "Well, Captain?" Doctor Crusher asked after a moments silence.
> "What ship are we getting?"
TOM: I understand it's called the Andrea Doria.
> "They just told me that our next mission is stellar survey of
> Sector 515," Captain Picard said.
MIKE: <Picard> Then they told me to bring a spacesuit, and laughed. How odd!
> "And that this runabout would take us to our new ship. Then Admiral Necheyev
> sent me out while she talked to Marrissa."
CROW: <Picard> I caught the word "tampons"...
> "So, it's a new ship then," Troi responded.
> "Not necessarily, Counselor," LaForge replied. "It may be a refit.
> "Now entering spacedock," Marrissa announced.
> "Aren't you going to transfer control to Spacedock?" Riker asked.
> "No, unlike yourself I know which ship is ours," Marrissa responded.
TOM: Having a vast spy network has its advantages.
> "You know and you are letting us guess," Geordi said as they
> passed a Nebula class starship.
MIKE: <Marrissa> I love watching you squirm!
> "Admiral Necheyev ordered me not to tell," Marrissa said
> piloting around an Intrepid class starship.
CROW: So this is how Stafleet Command gets their thrills. Whee.
> "Plus I enjoy listening to speculation."
TOM: <Marrissa> And thinking I'm better than you.
> "And their is no way you are going to tell us," LaForge asked.
> "No, What do you think of this one?" Marrissa questioned
> piloting around the rear of an Ambassador class starship.
MIKE: Her butt's too big.
> "38 percent chance," Data replied.
CROW: Data, once and for all, SHUT UP!
TOM: That's all he does in this fanfic: generate odds!
MIKE: He'd be a hit in Vegas, at least.
> "That so," Marrissa responded. She then banked hard to the port
> It was now on coarse toward and Excelsior class starship.
> "An Excelsior, we are going to get an Excelsior," Riker stated.
TOM: Hey! This is the ending from "Star Trek IV"!
MIKE: Ratliff couldn't come up with an ending on his own, so he ripped one off.
CROW: Well, at least he chose to plagarize one of the *good* films.
> Marrissa then altered her coarse just a little and they passed
> between the port warp engine and the dorsal.
TOM: She's possessed by the spirit of Catbert.
> In was now on coarse to a Galaxy class starship with a new style of warp engines.
> "May be not then," Riker stated.
MIKE: May be later.
> They as they neared the main shuttlebay they noticed that the
> name of the ship was covered with a large tarp.
CROW: To protect it from the big storms in spacedock, I guess.
> When they came with in 25 meters of it, it began to be pulled into the main
> shuttlebay. As it moved upwards the name Enterprise was revealed.
MIKE: Everyone surprised by this? <nobody raises their hands>
> "Ladies in gentlemen, we are home," Captain Picard said.
TOM: <Picard> I stole Shatner's line, and I'm proud of it!
CROW: "Ladies in gentlemen"? Isn't that usually the other way around?
MIKE: Crow!
> As they landed in the shuttlebay Marrissa dead-panned, "How did
> that starship get in the way?" The crew spun around to face her. Then
> realizing that she was joking laughed.
CROW: Then Riker finally got a good shot at her.
> Arriving on the bridge of the Enterprise NCC-1701-E, the crew
> took in their stations and the Captain checked his ready room. "Number
> One order replacement panels for my walls," Picard said after taking a
> look at his office.
TOM: Number Six, I want information.
> "Aye sir," Riker responded. "What color is Starfleet trying now?"
> "Pea-green walls with gold funature," Picard said.
MIKE: Starfleet shouldn't have hired Ray Charles to decorate their ships.
> "Try to get some shade of blue panels and I will keep the funature.
CROW: <Picard> And maybe some pink curtains, with a nice floral design...
> Data status of the crew?"
TOM: Bored stiff, sir.
> "All 429 people are on board,"
MIKE: That's a long way from 1400 on the old Enterprise.
CROW: This crew is so inept, that's all Starfleet was willing to trust them with.
> "Marrissa take us out, best possible speed," Picard ordered
> "Aye, sir, 37 percent impulse," Marrissa replied.
>
>
TOM: Not warp 9.999999999999999?
MIKE: That's the best we can do until they give us the other warp nacelle.
>
>
>
>
CROW: So is that it? Can we go?
TOM: No, no, wait a second.
> From: sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
CROW: Damn!
> Subject: Away From Home Final Message
MIKE: He doesn't really mean the "final", does he? It's a cruel joke, isn't it?
> Message-ID: <D7tBLr.L98@ruacad.ac.runet.edu>
> Organization: Radford University
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
> Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 20:01:03 GMT
> Lines: 71
>
> Away From Home , Message from the Author
TOM: In case you've been longing for more of his prose.
> Thank you for taking time to read my storyies once again. I
> have enjoyed your comments on them and look forward to hearing from you again.
MIKE: He really is like Ed Wood - he doesn't have a *clue*!
> If you have not told me what you think about my stories please feel free
ALL: IT STINKS!
> to email me at either :
>
> sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu
> or
> sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
> If you would like to read my stories and some how my final
> repost of the semester missed you.
CROW: ...then count your blessings, lucky reader.
> They are in the following archive in the following directory :
>
> ftp.cis.ksu.edu
> in the
> pub/alt.startrek.creative/story/TNG/Stephen_Ratliff
>
> They are also on the world wide web at this location :
>
> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>
> Now for a note on the Stories them selves.
TOM: <Ratliff> I have been informed I will be burning in hell for all
eternity for writing them.
> Away From Home is a three part story about the first three contacts of a new race
MIKE: Three contacts? I guess they lost one and had to have it replaced.
> and minor menace known as the Trakce. The story also tells of how the Kid's crew
> was formed, Marrissa's first Away Mission, and her vacation to avoid
> the press after the Enterprise crashed,
CROW: All that happened in such a... *long* time.
> The first part is set after the TNG episode "Imaganary Friend" and before any of my
> prevous stories.
TOM: Even Asimov couldn't write good pre-quels.
> The second part covers the peroid after Who Q? Where Q? intill the crash
> of the Enterprise-D. Finally the third part covers the aftermath of
> that crash.
> As my fifth story it may require some reading of the other stories.
MIKE: <pointing at "require"> You misspelled "encourage you to avoid like the plague".
> For instance some people are still inquiring how Marrissa got her rank.
CROW: She ate a lot of garlic.
> That is explained in Cadet Cruise and her promotion to Lieutenant Junior grade
> in Who Q? Where Q?. Another instance might be the refence to Lt. Andrews of his
> father being under her command (see Who Q? Where Q?)
>
> So here is the complete list of Marrissa stories :
>
> Enterprized
TOM: Bad.
> A Gul's Revenge
TOM: Worse.
> Cadet Cruise
> Who Q? Where Q?
TOM: Unknown.
> Away From Home
TOM: Too horrible to contemplate.
>
> Anne-Lise Pasch has also written an excellant story using the
> Kid's Crew
CROW: He's got *followers*?
> in a projected future story, Genterations 2 (Generations
> Ahead) which I heartly suggest you read.
MIKE: So has she written it, or is it just projected?
> In fact Anne if you are reading this -- write a sequel if you need a way to do so email me.
> it is availible in tha archive as well. (but not on my homepage)
TOM: Thank god for small mercies.
> Please feel free to send me any comments, compliments, complaints or conserns.
CROW: Or conferments, connections, compartments, or combobulations.
>
> ______ Stephen Ratliff
> _-' . .`-_
> |/ / .. . ' .\ \| Radford Unversity Student
> |/ / ..\ \| (Sophmore)
> \|/ |: . ._|_ .. . | \|/ email:
> \/ | _|_ .| . .: | \/ sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
> \ / |. | . . .| \ / (perfered) or
> \||| . . . _|_ .|||/ sratliff@ruacad.ac.runet.edu
> \__| \ . :. .|. ./ |__/
> __| \_ . .. _/ |__ home address:
> __| `-______-' |__ 5249 Lakeland Drive
> -,____ ____,- Roanoke, Va 24018
MIKE: Let's hope for a repeat of the lost Colony.
> ---' `---
>
CROW: AND WE'RE DONE!
ALL: YAY!!!
MIKE: Let's get out of here while we still can!
[Mike and the robots exit the theater.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...*...
[SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the counter. There is a stack
of cardboard pieces on the counter.]
ALL: <breath a huge sigh of relief>
MIKE: Wow, that one was pretty rough.
CROW: Yep. Yet another Ratliff epic down the drain.
TOM: It astounds me to think of how prolific this guy is, and he doesn't
have a *clue* as to how much pain he's causing.
MIKE: That's a good point, there, Tom. I mean, he's written five full
Star Trek fanfics in only two years of college.
CROW: And we haven't even *seen* "Cadet Cruise" or "Who Q, Where Q" yet!
TOM: Shhhh!!
CROW: Oh yeah. Sorry.
MIKE: Anyway, assuming that Ratliff graduates on time...
TOM: And considering the amount of work that goes into his fanfics, I'm
sure he has plenty of time to study...
MIKE: ...that means he'll have written 10 fanfics by the time he graduates.
CROW: And that's assuming he doesn't do any graduate work!
TOM: Ugh. That's too horrible to think about, Crow.
MIKE: Anyway, it looks like we have a *lot* of Ratliff to look forward to.
So I thought it might be a fun thought exercise to speculate on
the future of Ratliff's characters.
CROW: Um... why?
MIKE: Well, I got these cards made and everything, so...
CROW: Oh, all right.
[Mike's cards all have a name written on them. He says the name as he
flips up each card.]
MIKE: <flips card> Marrissa Picard.
TOM: Like most child stars, Marrissa got burned out in the media spotlight.
After achieving the rank of Grand Admiral at the tender age of 15,
she turned to drugs and a life of crime. She once again became the
center of attention as she took control of a fully-armed battleship
and slaughtered an entire species of peaceful, fun-loving aliens
because they were wearing colored ribbons in their hair. She was
court-martialed and convicted, as the jury didn't buy her now-famous
"PMS Defense." She disappeared for a time, only to reappear in the
news years later by knocking over a liquor store on Starbase 121.
MIKE: <flips card> Clara Sutter.
CROW: Clara went to Starfleet Academy, but was never quite able to escape
the shadow of Marrissa Picard. She did well in the Engineering
program and wrote several more scientific essays that were not
taken seriously by the few people who read them. Her lone claim
to fame was when she received the Wesley Crusher Award for being
voted the nerdiest loser in her class. She is currently living
alone and afraid, surrounded by her only friends, 23 cats named
"Boo-Boo".
MIKE: <flips card> Shayna Sachs.
TOM: Killed in Vietnam. Next?
MIKE: <flips card> Jay Gordon.
CROW: After his largely unsuccessful stint as acting-Captain, Jay decided
that Starfleet was not for him. He dropped out of the Kids Crew
and joined an improvisational theater troupe called Fungus Amongus.
He later went on to star in an off-Broadway version of "Mighty
Morphin' Power Rangers," and found his greatest fame by playing Ben,
the wacky chief of security, in the hit comedy "Warp Factors Ahead!"
MIKE: <flips card> Ensign Najib Fahim.
TOM: After serving a two-year sentence for statutory rape, Fahim went on
to unsuccessfully run for Federation office. He currently hosts his
own radio talk show.
MIKE: <flips card> The entire Trakce race.
CROW: The Trakce ended up being nothing more than a footnote in history,
a race remembered for their astounding stupidity and complete
ineptitude, after Romulans invaded their homeworld. While
attempting to fight off the invaders, the Trakcen ships got
confused when nobody could remember what color hair ribbons meant
what, so nobody knew who was in command. The Romulans easily
dispatched the Trakcen ships, and their race was completely
wiped out. This is often remembered as the Battle of Duuuhhhh...
[There is much giggling as Mike puts away his cards. The Mads' light
begins flashing.]
MIKE: Whoops, Dr. Forrester is calling. <he hits the light> Hey, Dr. F,
I guess that was the last Ratliff fanfic for a while, right?
[D13. Forrester is close to the camera.]
DR.F: Don't count on it, Chris Crocker! I've put my tendrils out on the
Internet, and I *will* find the other Ratliff stories! The pain
has only *begun* to begin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[The dorrbell rings. Forrester looks confused.]
DR.F: Who could that be?
[Forrester walks back to the vault door and opens it. A stream of little
kids enter Deep 13. They are aged about 5 to 10, and are all wearing
Starfleet uniforms. The kids begin chasing each other, playing with
the lab equipment, shouting, laughing, and generally getting into everything
in the way that kids do. Forrester looks aghast. He looks even more
aghast as a blond-haired girl of about 13 years enters behind them.
She is also wearing a Starfleet uniform.]
MARRISSA: hi I'm Marrissa Picard. Bow down before me, inferoir person.
DR.F: Now just wait a minute...
MARRISSA: I wood like to infrom you. that your lab will now be run by
my Kids' Crew. Do you have a prblem with that, stuped Adult?
DR.F: But... but...
[The door opens again, and this time there are reporters on the other
side. The reporters' camera flash. Forrester begins slowly backing
away from the door, moving towards us.]
MARRISSA: Oh, how I hate the media. i can never get away from the.
Okay, just a few picturres.
[Marrissa begins posing for their cameras.]
MARRISSA: Dont you just love me. Aren't I the most adorable thing youve
ever seen?
[Forrester almost backs into the camera. At the last second he turns
around. His face is filled with fear.]
DR.F: Help... me...
[Forrester pushes the button.]
\ | /
\|/
----*---- PWOOSH!
/|\
/ | \
[Roll credits.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations are
copyright of Best Brains, Inc. This is a work of fanfiction and
is not meant to infringe on that copyright. Likewise, Star Trek
in all of its many forms is a bloated franchise copyrighted to
Paramount. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on Stephen
Ratliff, however much he hay deserve it. It is meant in fun and
games and shouldn't be taken seriously.
> "I hear you cleaned out Quirk again," Sisko said.
> "You should see the twitch he has when I enter his bar," Riker replied.
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