A Guls Revenge
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__________________________
<The Satellite of Love>
[One of the floor panels is popped out. Mike is in the innards
of the Satellite, invisible to Cambot. Tom is standing by the
edge of the hole. He's got a lamp on his head, and is shining
the light down so Mike can see.
On the floor by the hole is a tray filled with various tools.]
Tom: So what's the deal, Mike? What sordid secrets do the uncharted
inner bowels of the Satellite of Love hold?
Mike: Oh, not much. Mostly dust bunnies, a few candy wrappers, a bunch
of Crow's screenplays. Why?
Tom: Oh, I think it's just fearfully exciting is all. You know, the -
Mike: Hey, Tom, could you shine that light over a bit?
Tom: Oh, oh yeah. [bends forward a little more] How's this?
Mike: That's it, thanks. What were you saying?
Tom: The little bits that accumulate over time, the mystery,
the nostalgia...
Mike: Hey, there's something down here called "A Patrick Swayze
Christmas." What's that?
Tom: Oh, uh, nothing worth remembering.
Mike: Hm. Hey, could you pass me the hydrospanners?
Tom: Yeah, sure. [He slides the metal tray containing the
hydrospanners over; they fall into the hole]
Mike: OW!
Tom: Sorry, Mike! You okay?
Mike: [exits hole, holding a hand to head] I think I need an ice pack.
Oh, hi everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike
Nelson, here with my trusty mechanic's aid Tom Servo. In case
you're wondering what's going on, we've just spent a week
providing general maintenance care for the Satellite. You know,
we love it so much we wear away at it, so every so often we
have to maintain it.
Tom: Mike, I hate to intrude on your exposition, but I'd like to know
if you've seen Crow.
Mike: Nope. I checked around last night. Couldn't find him. I hope
he's okay.
Tom: He's fine. He's just trying to get out of his fair share of the work.
Mike: Well, I'll just ask Gypsy to find him when she finishes the
diagnostics and frees up her brain a little. She can track him on
the sensors.
Tom: Just so long as I get a piece of him. I've had to work for two, and
I don't even have any functional arms.
[the lights brighten]
Mike: Hey! That must mean Gypsy finished the diagnostics!
Tom: All right! Now we can ask her where - oh, my God, Mike! Look!
[Crow staggers in stage left. He has obviously suffered great strain]
Crow: Free... at... last! [he collapses]
Tom: Crow! Crow! Speak to me!
Mike: I wonder if Gypsy knows what happened. Hang on, we'll be right back.
[hits the button, runs off]
<commercial break>
<SOL>
Tom: Crow! Crow! Are you okay?
Crow: Ooooh...
Tom: C'mon Crow, don't chicken out! Stay with me, pal! You've never
run away from anything in your life, so FIGHT, dammit! FIGHT!
Crow: Head - hurts - pain...
Tom: Just take it easy! Mike and Gypsy'll be here soon.
Crow: No! Not Gypsy! It's all... her... fault.
Tom: What do you mean?
[Enter Mike and Gypsy. Mike is holding an ice pack to his head.]
Mike: Crow, howya doing?
Gypsy: [to Crow] How was the movie?
Crow: Get away from me. I - I - ugh! [he suffers a seizure]
Mike: Maybe this'll help. [he tosses his ice pack into the thing on
Crow's head. Crow stops convulsing and lies still.]
Tom: He said it was Gypsy's fault.
Gypsy: Oooooooohhhhh!!!
Mike: Calm down, Gypsy. It's okay. What happened?
Gypsy: Well, a week ago...
Tom & Mike: Uh-huh...
Gypsy: Crow asked me to do him a favor.
Tom & Mike: Uh-huh...
Gypsy: I set up the theater so he could watch "Army of Darkness..."
Tom & Mike: Uh-huh...
Gypsy: And I guess that while I was busy, the film looped...
Tom: Uh-oh.
Gypsy: So that's where he's been.
Mike: You mean...
Gypsy: He saw "Army of Darkness" a hundred and twelve times.
Tom: Hoo-boy!
Mike: A *hundred and twelve* times?
Gypsy: Give or take a dozen.
Mike: Geez. Fun is fun, but that's overkill.
Tom: [to Mike] Hey, do you think it could have any adverse effects?
[Crow moans and stirs]
Mike: I guess we'll find out. He's coming to.
[Crow regains consciousness. He looks about.]
Tom: Crow? Crow, how are you feeling?
Crow: [Ash] Groovy.
Tom: Uh-oh.
Gypsy: Crow, I'm glad you're okay.
Crow: [Ash] First you wanna kill me. Now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
Gypsy: Huh?
Crow: [Ash] Maybe I was a little harsh. [He leans over to her.]
Gimme some sugar, baby.
Gypsy: [looks very confused. She looks at Mike, then Tom. Then:]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! [Gypsy turns tail and runs]
Mike: Crow, just try to stay calm.
Crow: [Ash] What, do you want some? Huh? You want a little?
[to Tom] Maybe *you* want some!
Tom: [backing off] Now, listen, Crow -
[light flashes]
Mike: Cool it for a second, you two. The Deadites are calling.
[Mike hits the button]
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Well, Madagascar, I see you've been busy this week. I suppose
you're going to ask for an extension on your invention exchange.
Mike: Actually, I managed to get a few minutes to work on it here and there.
Dr. F: Oh. Uh, well, why don't you go first?
Mike: Okay. My invention is called the Highlander Upgrade. [He holds up
an electronic component] It's based on the beard stubble of
Christopher Lambert's character in the movie "Highlander."
Tom: Don't forget "Highlander 2."
Mike: I wish I could, Tom. Anyhow, something that's really weird
about the movie is his facial hair. He was able to keep himself
clean-shaven in the fourteenth century, when people shaved with
knives, but in the 1980s, when he had access to electric razors,
and safety razors, he grew really ugly beard stubble.
Tom: As technology got more advanced, he grew incapable of using it.
Mike: Right.
Crow: [Ash] Simple primitive couldn't even handle a boom-stick!
Mike: Yeah, basically, Crow. The Highlander Upgrade gives your computer
the same capability. It just screws around with your computer, so
that the faster and better your computer gets, the less you can do
with it.
[pause]
Tom: Mike, I can't believe you came up with that.
Mike: It's pretty cool, actually. I just haven't got all the bugs
worked out. For example, if you disconnect your hard drive,
you get a really huge power surge.
Crow: [Ash] Shop smart - shop S mart!
Mike: Your turn, sirs!
[Frank can be seen in the background playing with the Ratliffer]
Dr. F: On quite the Highlander kick lately, aren't we, Macleod?
Well, we seem to be on the same wavelength. My invention is
also based on "Highlander." I call it the Quickener. [He holds up
a device that looks like a plastic toy sword with a button on the
hilt.] Remember looking at the Quickenings and saying to yourself,
"I wish *I* could do that?" Well, now you can. All you do is push
this button and you get an instant Quickening in the comfort of
your own home. Here, allow me to demonstrate.
[He activates it. Nothing happens at first. Then Dr. F stiffens and
drops the Quickener. He shakes, then jolts. The lights in Deep 13 flicker.
There is a loud crash, followed by several more. Tables shake, spilling
the objects they were holding onto the floor. A huge amount of
broken glass falls from the ceiling. The Ratliffer sucks in massive
quantities of paper and starts printing the great American novel. Several
small explosions are audible in the background.
The lights in Deep 13 go out. We hear more crashing, and there is a
final boom.
Then silence.]
Tom: WOW!
Mike: Geez. You think they were hurt?
Crow: [Ash] It's a trick. Get an axe.
[Absolute blackness. Then a light flares up. Dr. Forrester is revealed,
holding a candle.]
Dr. F: Heh. Guess I set it a little high. Frank? Where are you, Frank?
Frank: [in darkness] Help! I'm trapped!
Dr. F: Frank? Hang on, let me get the lights. [He walks off]
[Pause]
[The lights come on again. Frank is revealed, buried chin deep in books.]
Dr. F: [re-enters] Frank? What the devil is all this?
Frank: Steve, help me. I can't move!
Dr. F: [inspects books] My God!
Frank: [terrified] What? What?
Dr. F: You're buried under Danielle Steele novels.
Frank: AHHHH!!!!! Get me OUT! Get me OUT!!!!
Dr. F: Hang on just a moment, Frank. [turns away] Well, Magnum, your
fanfic today is the latest work of that master of the genre...
Tom: Don't tell me.
Dr. F: The one, the only.... Stephen Ratliff!
All: AUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. F: I knew you'd be pleased. Send them the fanfic, Frank.
Frank: [gasps and chokes]
Dr. F: What?
Frank: Can't... move...
Dr. F: Oh, for crying out loud. [He sends the fanfic]
[Mike is fixing Crow]
Mike: There, Crow, that oughtta -
[fanfic sign flashes]
Mike: AHHHH!!! Fanfic sign!!!!
[Door sequence]
[They enter the theater]
>alt.startrek.creative #8981 (6 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Tom: This is gonna be *bad.*
Crow: [Ash] Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
Tom: Hey, Mike, I thought you fixed him!
Mike: Hang on. [He reaches over and starts fiddling with Crow.]
>[1] A GUL'S REVENGE part 01
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Sat Jan 22 15:00:23 CST 1994
>Lines: 131
Crow: Aaack! Eck. Argh.
Mike: That fix it?
Crow: [now back to normal] Yeah, I think so.
>This NExt Generation story is a continuation of Enterprized
>you my optian copies via email of that stoy at the address
>at the end of this post or get it at the FTP site listed by
>J. Young in his posts.
Tom: Hoo boy.
Crow: Uh-oh. This is gonna be rough.
>This story was written before the episode Pegasus therfore
>it does not consider the part of the Tready of Aldgeron which
>says Thou shall not devolpe cloaking devices.
Crow: Oh, Stephen, you should have stuck to continuity!
Mike: But if he did, then no Federation cloaking devices.
Tom: And no "Enterprized," and no "Gul's Revenge."
Crow: Exactly.
>This story is dedicated to my cousin Diana Ratliff
>who said why can't a girl command a starship?
Mike: They're all in command of Starfleet.
>This story is the property of Stephen Ratliff
Tom: And he can keep it.
>It may be copied, cross posted, or distrubed to friends but
Crow: - it would be more appropriate to distribute to enemies.
>must keep this paragraph and must not be sold
Tom: [chuckling] I don't think it *could* be sold.
>(unless you send 50% of the profit to me at the address at
>the end of the posting)
All: D'OH!
>=====================================================================
> A G U L ' S R E V E N G E
> by Stephen Ratliff
>----------------------------------------------------part 01----------
>
> PROLOGUE
> ^^^^^^^^
>
> Gul Ducat was mad.
Tom: Now *that's* an opening sentence.
> He had been doing so well... Until
Mike: - he asked, "What's your sign, baby?"
>Marrissa shwed up in the saucer section of the Enterprise. Halfway
>to Earth, if it wasn't for that little human female tramp,
Crow: Is that a song by the Beach Boys?
> the
>Cardassians would have begun the Second Cardassian-Federation War
>with the Federation Capital in shambles. Gul Ducat smashed a piece
>of pottery.
Tom: Hey, it's a Gul in a china shop.
> I chouldn't even hit her saucer section once, he reflected.
>Another piece of pottery became dust.
Mike: At least he can hit *that* saucer.
> And she had the nerve to
Crow: [quavery adolescent voice] Ditch me for Rick! Why, I oughtta...
>carve 'I lost to a bunch of kids' on my hull. "I'll get her someday
>Gul Ducat said as he smashed another member of his Bajor vase collection
Mike: A Bajoran vase collection? What, is he trying to be Grand Admiral
Thrawn?
Tom: Doubt it. Hate to destroy your world.
> Chapter One
> ^^^^^^^^^^^
>Marrissa's Personal Log STARDATE 47576.5
Tom: [falsetto] Dear Kitty,
>Still commanding the Enterprise-D saucer section
All: WHY?
> The Enterprise-C has arrived and Commander Riker has informed
>me of my parents deaths. I'm afraid I didn't take it so well. When
>I ran back to the Enterprise I bummed
Crow: A smoke from Alexander.
> into Commander Riker and he
Mike: Smiled this weird smile.
>fell in unexspectedly on Quark. As a result when I was talking to
>Conselor Reedy of the Arizona, Commander Riker and Quark spent the
>time with Doctor Bashir. I don't envy them.
Crow: I bet Janis does!
> On a better note the Enterprise-D stardrive section is due to
>arrive soon I can't wait to find out what Captain Picard has to say
>about my actions in the last week.
Tom: [Picard] When you borrow the saucer section, young lady, you fill
it up with gas!
>Captain's Log STARDATE 57576.91
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording.
Crow: [Picard] My one-man version of "A Christmas Carol."
> The Enterprise is resuming its course to Deep Space Nine after
Tom: Oh, my GOD!!!!!!
Mike: What?
Tom: He spelled "course" right! He actually spelled it *right!*
Mike: Tom, you're gonna lose your RAM chips...
Tom: Oh, forget the Grammar Flamer Sorter Dumper, Mike!
Ratliff spelled "course" right!!!
Crow: I can die now. I've seen it all.
>assisting a damaged Feringi freighter. At DS9 we will pick up the
Mike: Local women.
>saucer section and await orders.
>
> "Something bothering you Captain?" Counselor Troi asked.
Crow: [Picard] I think I'm losing my hair.
> "It's this damn will of the Floras's," Picard said
Mike: [Riker] Yes, sir?
Crow: [Picard] Not you, Will.
> "What about it?"
Crow: They left the entire command staff a boot to the head.
> "It says if no one is willing to adopt Marrissa on the
>Enterprise," Picard said, "She goes to Bontiface IV, a planet noted
>for its law forbiding its citzens from joining starfleet.
Tom: Wow. Now *that's* a plot contrivance.
> "I sounds like you don't want this to happen," Troi said.
Crow: Yeah, 'cause then there couldn't be a sequel to this fanfic.
Tom: Bite your tongue!
Crow: What tongue?
> "It's a waste of command potental," Picard replied.
> "It may not happen," Troi said.
Mike: Yeah, we could get another plot contrivance.
> "You aren't suggesting that I ... "
Tom: [Picard] Call the hair club for men?
> "Captain urgent hail from Deep Space Nine," Lt. Yarr said.
Mike: And Louisiana is expecting a rain event.
Tom: Hope I can get tickets to *that!*
> "On screen," Captain Picard said. Commander Sisko appeared
>on the main viewscreen. "What can I do for you Commander?"
Crow: [Sisko] Get me out of this fanfic.
> "The Cardassians as sending a dozen warship toward Bajor,"
>Sisko said. "ETA 2 hours. You are the senoir commander in the area."
Tom: Hey, isn't Senoir a painter?
Mike: Renoir.
Tom: Oh.
> "Yarr cloak us," Picard ordered.
All: We're gonna run like hell!
> "What ship do we have in the
>area? And do those ships have any problems?"
Tom: Hey, we've seen this!
> "The Roanoke, our partol ship this month; the Galaxy, which
>doesn't even have a skeleton crew; the Enterprise-C; the Arizona;
>the Surak, it's due to come in in 20 minutes for a quick supply stop
>and return to the Gamma Quad.; and your saucer section," Sisko said.
Mike: Yup, we've seen this. It was in his promo.
Crow: C'mon, Stephen! Once is bad enough!
>A PADD was handed to heim from off screen and he read from it. "I just
>been informed that the United Federation of Planets Congress has
Crow: [Sisko] Outlawed Frenchmen with English accents. Major Kira, open fire!
>declared war on the Cardassian Empire after attacks on Vulcan, Risam
Tom: Risam?
Mike: Risa. He means Risa.
Crow: Why would they attack Risa? That's like storming the beach at Acapulco.
>Betazed, and numerous starships."
> "So it has come to that has it," Picard commented. "Have
>Captain Szustakowski of the Roanoke; Captain Morris and Commander
>Shelby of the Arizona; Captain Selv of the Surak; Commader Riker
>Presently in command of the Enterprise-C; yourself and Marrissa met
>me in the obsevation lounge of my saucer section in 30 minutes."
> "We will meet you there Deep Space Nine out."
Tom: Seen it...
> "Contact the saucer section," Picard said.
> "USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D saucer section, Marrissa Floras
>commanding. Good timing Captain I just came on duty."
Crow: Isn't she a little young -
Mike: [holds Crow's mouth shut] No way, pal. No way.
> "Marrissa we have Cardassians on the way," Picard said. "You
Mike: [Picard] - are going to be cannon fodder. Sorry, kid.
>host a meeting of area Commanding Officers in 27 minutes. Prepare the
Tom: Sandwiches.
>saucer section to evacuate the civalians from Deep Space Nine."
> "Aye sir. Saucer section out," Marrissa said.
Crow: It's over! The fight is -
Mike: Crow, that *is* starting to wear a bit thin.
> "Contact Captain Morris of the Arizona," Picard said. Captain
>Melaine Morris appeared on screen in a black evening dress.
Mike: [Picard] But Captain Morris, you're a man!
> "Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I though you were not going to
>interupt anymore of my paino concerts," She said.
Mike: The way she plays it *is* paino.
> "After me interupting 10 of them you should no better than to
>hold one when I'm coming into your sector."
Crow: Heh heh ... no obsession here... honest.
> "I assume your call has to due with the Declaration of War and
>the meeting you called for me and my first officer to attend," Captain
>Morris said getting down to business.
Tom: [falsetto] Just a feeling I have.
> "Yes, Picard replied. I need you to staff the Galaxy saucer
>and stardrive for Commander Shelby and Data respectively. I don't care
Tom: [announcer] *Why* doesn't Picard care?
>where you find staff as long as all starships in the area are staffed.
>In fact I don't care if you pull in children."
Crow: Pull them into quicksand, that is.
> "I assume from the last statement that Marrissa is still
>commanding your saucer section," Morris said
Tom: More's the pity.
> "I have no intention of relieving her at this time," Picard
>said. "We need all the expericed commanding officers we can get.
All: WHAT?
Tom: This fanfic is getting weirder and weirder.
>Picard out."
Crow: Riker is grinning and waving his arms! He's done it! He's -
Mike & Tom: CROW!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I hope you enjoyed this the first of about six posting
Tom: Oh, *man.*
Mike: Long haul ahead, guys.
>of my second star trek story. I would love to hear comments
Mike: Ask and ye shall receive.
>and suggestions from you. Please email me at the address below
>or mail me the regular way at my home address also below.
Crow: Oh, that reminds me. I've gotta call my friend Jake.
Mike: Don't even *think* about it.
Tom: Any Discordians who see this post, you have your orders.
Be sure to disregard them.
> Stephen Ratliff
> at Radford University
>
>email : regular mail:
>sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu S. Ratliff
> 5249 Lakeland Drive
>Any thing can happen Roanoke, VA 24018
>
>Next Post : The Meeting
Tom: [dripping sarcasm] Oh, I can hardly wait.
>alt.startrek.creative #9061 (0 + 50 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Tom: From Stephen Ratliff, master of the modern fanfic...
>[1] A Gul's Revenge part 02
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Tue Jan 25 16:14:30 CST 1994
>Lines: 128
>
>This is Part 2 of A Gul`s Revenge, the sequal to Enterprized.
Crow: All stories are sequel, but some are more sequel than others.
>If you wish to obtain copies of any parts to these storys
Tom: There's something terribly wrong with you.
>email me to the address below. Enterprized is also avialable
>via the alt.startrek.creative archive.
Tom: And our version of it is available via ftp.cs.odu.edu.
Mike: Thanks for the shameless plug, Tom.
>==============================================================
> A G U L ` S R E V E N G E
> by Stephen Ratliff
>-------------------------------------------------part 02------
Tom: Maybe Stephen is a Gul. This *is* his revenge for "Enterprized,"
I'm sure of it.
Crow: He probably is a gull - he sure produces massive quantities of crap.
Mike: [nudges Crow]
Crow: Sorry.
> Chapter Two
> ^^^^^^^^^^^
>
> Gul Ducat was standing before the commander of all
>Cardassian forces.
Tom: I'd rather have a Gul before me than one overhead.
Mike: That was just a little in bad taste, Tom. Guys, enough gull/Gul
jokes, okay?
> "Gul Ducat you disappoint me," the commander
>said in a deep voice. "You were going to be prefect of Earth
Crow: But nobody's prefect.
>now you will have to settle for resuming you post on Bajor.
Tom: But he never *had* a post on Bajor! He was on DS9 before the Federation
took it over.
Mike: So it's YATI?
Tom: No, not Yet Another Trek Inconsistency. It's YARSU.
Crow: Ah, Yet Another Ratliff Screw-Up.
Tom: Very good, Crow.
>DO NOT FAIL ME AGAIN."
Mike: [kid voice] I have to get passed along in the public school system.
> "Captain, did I hear you are not releiving Marrissa?"
>Lt. Yarr said.
> "Yes," Picard said, "Do you have any objections?"
All: YES!
Tom: It was a bad idea in "Enterprized," and it's a bad idea now.
> "I do," Lt. Yarr said. "She is only 12 years old. I don`t
>know what possessed you to put her in command in the first place."
Crow: The Spirit of Plot Contrivances Past.
> "Age was not a factor in that decision," Picard replied.
Mike: Tell that to the cops!
>"Personal
Crow: Stupidity?
> and Cloaking device limitations were. It was either
>her or Dr Selar. Marrissa won out due to her 21:03 Kabayshi
>Maru time. Still objecting?"
Tom: Yes. It's ridiculous that a 12 year old girl scores better on
the Kobayshi Maru test than Starfleet officers.
Crow: Actually, she shouldn't even be able to take it. It's only
offered as the final exam in Starfleet Academy.
Tom: YARSU?
Crow: Yeah, pretty much.
> "No sir, anyone who can servive 21 minutes in that
>scenario deserves
Crow: A boot to the head!
>command," Yarr replied.
> "Now approaching DS9," Ensign Ro said.
Mike: Whoops, just passed it. Hang on, I'm gonna throw 'er into reverse...
> "You have the bridge Lt. Yarr," Picard said. "Data."
>The two left the bridge via the aft turbolift.
Tom: They were never seen again.
> Picard and Data matterized on the Main Bridge of the
>Enterprise-D saucer section. "Captain, I didn't see the
>stardrive section arrive," Marrissa said.
Crow: Maybe because it was *cloaked?*
Tom: She could have been busy listening to New Kids on the Block.
> "You aren't suppose to and neither are the Cardassians,"
>Picard said. "Has everyone arrived?"
Mike: [falsetto] Yeah, it's the best party ever!
> "Captains Szustakowski and Morris, and Commanders Riker
>and Shelby have
Tom: [deep, ominous] Died in a suicide pact.
>arrived," Marrissa said. "Captain Selv and
>Commander Sisko are on their way."
> "When they arrive join us
All: Join us! Join us!
>in the observation lounge," Picard said.
>
> "I see everyone has arrived," Picard said as Ben Sisko
>Captain Selv and Marrissa arrived. As they took a seat Captain
>Picard examined the people he had called here.
Crow: [Picard voice] Hmm-hm-hm. Let's see, she's cute...
>To his right
>was Commander Riker who seemed to be in a good mood despite his
Tom: Presence in this fanfic.
>fall earlier in the day. Next to him was Captain Matt Szustakowski
All: A good friend.
>of the Roanoke. Captain Szustakowski was a 42 year old man whose
Mike: Wife had just left him for the plumber.
Tom: [sings] You're gonna win, you're gonna go -
>hair was graying at the temples. Next to him was Commander
>Benjiman Sisko of Deep Space Nine who seemed to be worried about
>the situation.
Tom: I wonder why?
>Next in line was Captain Selv of the Surak.
All: A good friend.
>No longer able to play the elf he played when Captain Picard and
>several other captains had played Santa for a remote colony, he
>fit the role of Santa now.
Tom: [shakes, starts mumbling incoherently]
Mike: [elbows him]
Tom: Sorry, Mike. That last sentence nearly got me.
> At the other end of the table was
Mike: SATAN!
>Captain Morris of the Arizona. She had changed into a uniform
>but her hair was still done up. To Captain Morris's right was
>Commander Shelby. She long hair gave evidence that she hadn't
>had time for a hair cut since she left the Enterprise. Next
>to her was Marrissa. A 12 year old girl with blond hair, who
>would suspect she had such good command ablities.
Tom: But she was wrong.
Crow: [German accent] Ze "hair passage" of "A Gul's Revenge," reproduced
above, clearly indicates some unconscious fetishism on ze part of
ze author.
> Between the Girl Captain
Mike: "The Girl Captain?"
Tom: Diana Ratliff, in case you missed it, Marrissa is a girl commanding
a starship. Remember, your cousin Stephen bends to your whims.
>and Captain Picard was Commander Data who recently
>turned down the job of first officer on the Reliant.
> "No offense intended, Captain and young lady," Captain
>Szustakowski began,
Mike [Picard] & Tom [falsetto]: [simultaneously] None taken.
> "but why is this young lady commanding a
>starship?"
Crow: Well, there was this plot contrivance, you see...
> "I will second that motion," Captain Selv said.
> "I will let your fellow officers answer that," Picard said
>smiling. "One fact each. Commander Riker?"
Mike: [Riker voice] She's cute.
> "21 Minute Kabayshi Maru time."
> "Captain Morris."
> "Captured one top-of-the-line Cardassian warship."
> "Commander Shelby"
Crow: [snoring noises, then suddenly waking] AH! 1492! The Declaration
of Independence! Thomas Jefferson! Martin Luther King, Jr.! Oh,
wait. What was the question?
> "50 parsecs inside federation space."
> "Commander Sisko"
> "Without a single scratch on her command."
> "I believe that is enough of our Marrissa admiration society
Tom: Second.
Mike: All in favor? [He raises his hand]
Tom: I would if I could, Mike.
Crow: [raising hand] I'm with you too.
>Picard concluded. "Are you two still objecting to her?"
Crow & Tom: YES!
> "No," Captains Selv and Szustakowski said in unison.
> "Now one of our advanages will be that the Cardassians will
Mike: Be incredibly stupid.
>underestimate the number of ships here," Picard said. "Perhaps by
>as much as 4 ships."
Tom: Oh, *big* whoop.
> "How chould they miss four starships?" Captain Morris asked.
Mike: I think it's plot contrivance time again.
> "Commander Riker will explain."
Tom: Next on Nickelodeon: Commander Riker Explains It All.
> "Besides the Enterprise-D stardrive arriving cloaked,"
>Commander Riker said. "The Cardassians should also not know about
>those ship in the Bajoran Space Orbiting repair dock or BaSOR Dock.
Mike: And is it ever sore.
>BaSOR Dock orbits in a possition known as
Crow: Prone.
> Bajor's back door
Crow: [mostly to himself] Asinine nickname.
Mike: [shoots Crow a glare]
>by the
>former Bajoran Resistance movement. The Cardassians are unable to
>monitor any ship coming or leaving by that route. Thus they don't
>know about the Enterprise-C or the Galaxy."
Tom: Oh, COME ON! This puts all the plot contrivances in "Enterprized"
to shame! I accepted the fact that Wesley couldn't make
a cloaking device that would cover the saucer section. I accepted
the fact that he could make one that *would* cover the saucer
section of the Enterprise-C! I accepted the fact that Picard
would give a bunch of kids control of the Enterprise D saucer!
But a space station that the Cardassians can't see at all, even
just by going around the planet? This is too much!
[Tom breaks down crying]
Mike: There, there, Tom...
> "Thats only three ships," Captain Selv said.
> "We will be spliting th Galaxy into two parts,"
Mike: All the galaxy is now divided into two parts.
>Commander
>Riker said. "As Marrissa has shown us that a saucer section can
>beat a Cardassian warship. Making four ships."
Mike: [Riker] I think. Hang on, one plus one plus - oh, I lost track.
> "Surely the Cardassians will expect the Enterprise-D
>stardrive to arrive," Captain Szustakowski pointed out.
> "They will," Captain Picard said. "So they will split
>their forces to guard the most likely approaches, limiting their
>attack forces. Here is my suggested deployment. Mr Data.
Mike: Just one android? Man, that's gonna be rough.
> "First the Surak will go back to
Crow: The future?
Tom: Oh no! No more time traveling!
> though the wormhole and
>return at 0130 hours, 1 mintute 2.678971 seconds into the attack,"
Tom: Data rounds off more than that.
Crow: You're *never* happy, are you?
>Data said. "Mean while
Tom: In a really crappy fanfic...
> the Roanoke will move to guard Bajor and
>the Arizona, Deep Space Nice and the wormhole. The saucer sectoin
>of the Enterprise-D will handle the civilian evacuation of DS9.
>The parts of the Galaxy will emerge from BaSOR Dock at Captain
>Picards or Captain Szustakowski's order. The remaining Enterprises
>will take out the perimeter guards, while cloaked if possiable."
Mike: Quite an enterprise he's suggesting here.
> "Commander Sisko, any runabouts you can provide wil aid in`
>your defence," Picard said. "Any comments or suggestions?"
Tom: Yeah, try calling for *help* from *Starfleet!*
> As their where none the meeting was adjoured and the officers
>left for their commands.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>A guide to who commands what will be available soon
Crow: Needless to say, Stephen is not in command of the good ship
"English Language."
>Comments, Suggestions welcome
Mike: Thank you for your generous offer.
> Stephen Ratliff
> Radford University
> Radford, Virginia USA
>
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet
>
>Next Post : A little CALMody befor the storm
> (Quark of coarse)
Tom: Oh please, no comedy. No Ratliffian slapstick. Mike, let's go.
I want to pray before the next part.
Mike: Sure, Tom.
[they exit the theater]
[Door sequence]
<SOL, the bridge>
[Tom is on the console, Crow standing behind the console next to him. Tom's
hands are clasped in prayer, as are Crow's.]
Tom: Dear God, I know I haven't prayed for a while. I'm really sorry,
but I've been really busy. [clears throat] So here I am now, God.
I need Your help. I know that I only prayed to You when the
other guy made me do it before I went to bed, and I confess
that I've had my doubts. I admit that when I clasped my hands
and prayed to You, I occasionally found my thoughts
centering on the Creepy Girl rather than Your Glory. I'm a
sinner, I know - I led Mike astray that time so he'd give us
all the RAM chips, and I got Crow to help me try to break into
the Grammar Flamer Sorter Dumper! I've even taken Peter
David's name in vain. But Lord, I promise I'll mend my evil ways.
I'll be more diligent, more faithful! I'll think globally and act
locally! I'll practice random kindness and senseless acts of
beauty.I'll never ever doubt You again as long as I live, Lord.
I only ask that You intervene for us here, and make the next part
of the fanfic not so bad. Thank You.
[Tom looks meaningfully at Crow]
[pause]
Tom: CROW!
Crow: What?
Tom: Your turn.
Crow: Oh. Ok. Well, uh... [long pause] Dittos, God.
Tom: Oh, come on, Crow! You're only communicating directly to the
Supreme Creator of the Universe! I'm sorry, but "Dittos, God"
is simply *not* gonna cut it!
Crow: Ok. Ok. [pause] Mega-dittos, God.
Tom: CROW!
Mike: Crow, you might wanna try a little harder.
Crow: Oh, OK. [deep breath] God, I'll be good. Please make the fanfic
not suck too much. Yours truly, Crow T. Robot.
[to Tom and Mike] How was that?
Mike: Better, Crow, but you really need to work on it.
Tom: Hey, Mike, *you* didn't pray.
Crow: Yeah! Your turn, Mike.
Mike: Ok. [Kneels behind counter] Hello, God. This is Mike. I'd like
to thank you for giving me Tom and Crow, to help me take my mind
off the pain of this *incredibly* horrible fanfic. I'd like to
thank you for Gypsy, who runs the satellite while we goof off.
So bless Tom and Crow, and Gypsy, and give us strength to see
us through this darkest of hours. Although the brighter
you can make this hour, the better. That's all. Thanks, God.
[pause]
Tom: Oh, God. By the way, I'd like Peter Gabriel's CD-ROM.
Crow: *I* want "Road House," the letterboxed version, on laserdisc.
Tom: Oh yeah? Well, *I* want every Warren Zevon album on CD.
Crow: Oh, *please.* *I* want every single copy of Whitney Houston's
rendition of "I Will Always Love You," so I can destroy them and
make the world a brighter, finer, cleaner place.
Tom: Hah! *I* want -
Mike: GUYS! Cut it out! You're trying to make a bidding war out of
your prayers, and that just isn't right.
Tom: You don't think that...ulp... God would make the next part of
the fanfic *worse* to punish us, do you, Mike?
Mike: Oh, Tom, I don't think God works that way.
[fanfic sign flashes]
Crow: I guess we're gonna find out!
All: Oh, no! FANFIC SIGN!!!
[door sequence]
<the Theater>
>alt.startrek.creative #9148 (5 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] A Gul's Revenge part 03
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Thu Jan 27 14:29:04 CST 1994
>Lines: 144
>
>This is A sequel to Enterprized. parts of which may be
Crow: Fed into your shredder.
>optained from the address at the end of this article.
>
>This is part 03 of A Gul's Revenge. Parts 01-02 may be
>obtained form the address at the eng of this article.
Tom: Yep. God's gonna punish us.
>Chapter Three is dedicated tho my mom who thinks I watch
>read and Now write too much Star Trek.
Mike: Mrs. Ratliff seems like a very sensible woman.
Crow: Yeah. We're with you, Mrs. Ratliff!
>===================================================================
> A G U L ' S R E V E N G E
> by Stephen Ratliff
>-------------------------------------------part 03-----------------
>
> Chapter Three
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> Gul Ducat was ploting his battle plans with his fellow
>Cardassians. "Ships 1 and 2 will
Tom: Buckle my shoe.
>take out Deep Space Nine, 3 and 4
Tom: Shut the door.
> the Arizona, 5 and 6
Mike: Pick up sticks!
Tom: That's the spirit!
Crow: This is really stupid, guys.
>the Roanoke, AND 7 AND 8
Tom & Mike: LAY THEM STRAIGHT!
Crow: Sheesh.
> THE SAUCER SECTION
>OF THE ENTERPRISE!" Gul Ducat said. Calming down he continued,
Tom: CONTINUED? AHHHHH!!!!!!!
>"The remaining four ships will lay in wait for the star drive
>section of the Enterprise, along the most likely routes."
Tom: Yes, just as Picard predicted.
> "Gul Ducat their are five likely routes the Enterprise
>chould come from," Gul Dywer the Commander of the ninth ship sait.
>"They chould come from Klingon Space, From Romulan Neurtal Zone
>Partol, from Earth, from Betazed, or From Vulcan.
Mike: Oh, that *really* narrows it down.
Tom: Or they could have already arrived! What morons.
> I need another
Crow: Five million dollars a year.
>ship."
> "You can have number 8 then," Gul Ducat said. "I'LL HANDLE
>MARRISSA MY SELF!"
All: Ewwwwww.
>Captain's Log STARDATE 47576.91
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D saucer section
>Marrissa Floras recording
Tom: [falsetto] My suicide note.
Mike: Tom, you're *really* dark today.
> Transport of civilian from Deep Space Nine has begun.
>I've put Clara Sutter and Jay Gordon in charge of seeing that
>everyone gets abroad.
Tom: I bet Riker was first in line.
Mike: "Abroad," not "a broad."
Tom: Sorry, I couldn't think of any jokes for "abroad."
Mike: Don't worry, one will come to you.
> Clara Sutter beamed up the first people from Deep Space
>Nine. Among them was Keiko and Molly O'Brien, and Jake Sisko.
All: Hellooo.... Helloooo... Hellooooo.... HELLO!
>"Mrs O'Brien, Jake can you assist me?" Clara asked
> "What can we do?" Keiko asked.
Tom: [falsetto] Well, *you* can give me an A...
> "Do you know how to operate a transported?" Clara inquired.
> "Yes, you don't have an engineer for a husband without
>learning something," Keiko relpied.
Crow: [falsetto] For example, Miles never drinks coffee in the afternoon.
Tom: What, never?
Crow: Hardly ever.
> "Then you can beam people aboard and Jake can assign them
>quarters," Clara ordered. "I've got to check on the docking port.
>When you are done, let Jake take Molly to your quarter, you got your
>old ones, and report to the bridge. Marrissa wants to see you."
Tom: [narrator voice] Clara got a thrill from ordering her elders
and betters around. Little did she know the damage she was doing
to her eternal soul.
Mike: Tom, you sure you're okay?
Tom: Yeah, I'm fine. Why?
Mike: Just checking.
> "Marrissa," Jay Gordon said,
Crow: [quavery adolescent] Would you go out with me if I asked you to?
Tom: Jay likes women in positions of authority?
Mike: [clears throat]
Tom: Sorry. Really, I didn't mean anything by it.
>"With the exception of three
Mike: Bears.
>Feringi, all civilains are aboard. Permission to take an away team
Mike: [kid voice] To the movies?
>to retrieve them?"
> "Permission granted," Marrissa said. "Have Jake Sisko
Tom: NO! C'mon, don't drag Jake down too! Let *someone* remain
unscathed!
>assist if possible."
> "Alexander," Jay said as he left his seat. The two boys
>entered the aft turbolift.
Tom: [deep voice] They were never seen again.
Crow: The lesson, boys and girls, is "Never take the aft turbolift."
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming,
already in progress.
> Jay Gordon entered the transprorter room with Alexander.
Tom: C'mon, beam yourselves out into space. You know you want to.
>"Jake how would you like to help me retrieve three Feringi," Jay
>said.
> "Sure," Jake replied.
> "Alex, give Jake a communicator and three extras," Jay said.
Mike: [whiny kid] If you don't, I'll hold my breath until I turn blue.
>"And issue us phasers, not that I'm planing orn using them, but it
>may help them take us more seriously."
Tom: Wow, Calvin wishes he had it so good as this kid.
> The three stepped up on to
>transporter disks and Jay continued, "Beam us to Quarks."
Mike: We're gonna go get wasted!
All: [whoops & yells]
Tom: An episode no family can afford to miss: Jay Gordon and
Alexander discover the pleasures of the flesh on the next
episode of "Star Trek: the Next MiSTification."
> As the three boys disappeared Keiko muttered to Molly, "I
>knew Quark would cause a problem."
Tom: Hey, you signed on to do regular appearances on the series. It's
sometimes bad, sometimes good. Think of it as the Pot Luck Club.
Mike: [groans]
Crow: Tom, that one was *really* bad.
>
> "Quark you where supposed to leave here an hour ago," odo
>said. "The Enterprise is waiting for you."
Tom: Why?
Mike: He's a regular.
Tom: Oh.
> "Let them go, I'm staying here," Quark said.
> Jake Sisko, Jay Gordon and Alexander beamed into Quark's.
All: Hello... Helloo... Helloooo... HELLO!
>"How can we help you, Odo?" Jay asked.
Crow: [Odo] Go away.
> "Mr Quark and his family don't want to leave," Odo said.
> "I don't see that he has any choice," Jay Gordon said as
>Jake moved around and behind the Feringi.
Mike: No jokes about that one, guys.
Crow: [innocently] Like what?
Mike: Well, like... [Jake] Hey Nog, nice tush!
Crow: Oh. Thanks, Mike.
Mike: [chuckling] Don't mention it.
> "Quark apparently disagrees," Odo said. "Not that it would
>help him."
Mike: Help him do what?
> "Help him, Rome said.
Tom: Yeah... wha-huh?
>All eye were on Jay, Odo, and
Mike: The angry ghost of Gene Roddenberry.
>Alexander who was standing between the two.
> "The way I see it you either go with these gentlemen, or ...
Tom: The gentlemen go with you.
>Odo said.
> "The gentlemen stun you," Alexander said as he and Jay
>drew their phasers, "and beam you abroard.
> Meanwhile Jake had attached all three commucators
Crow: Plus all three "Kick me" signs! Whoopee!
>and now signaled Jay.
> "See you later Odo," Jay said tapping his communicator.
>"Six to beam up Mrs O'Brien."
Crow: It should only take one to beam up Mrs. O'Brien.
> The six matterized on the transporter platform. "Jake
>see to our guests," Jay said. "Mrs O'Brien, Alexander, I beleive
Mike: [kid voice] In Santa Claus.
>we are wanted on the bridge." Keiko handed Molly to Jake. The
>aformentioned threesome
Crow: Would be highly illegal under modern federal laws.
>left for the bridge.
> Quark called after them, "I'm reporting this."
> "To who Quark?" Jake asked. "Odo certainly isn't going
>to do any thing."
> "To this ship's chief of security," Quark replied.
> "The Klingon kid is the security chief," Jay said.
> "The Commanding officer then."
> "Who do you think told them to beam down to get you."
All: [muted trumpet] Wah-wah-wahhhh.
Tom: Hey, wait. Was that supposed to be funny?
Mike: I guess so.
> Meanwhile on the bridge, Jay Gordon, Alexander and Keiko
>O'Brien had arrived. The two boys went directly to their stations
Tom: Hey, check it out! Pay-Per-View!
>Keiko was met by Marrissa at the turbolift. "I've got a job for
All: SUPERMAN!
>you," Marrissa said. "My passengers have been annoying me with
Crow: Requests for dates.
>calls ever since they started coming abroad.
Tom: Geez, these foreigners! - Hey Mike, you were right. I got one!
>I have to admit that
Crow: [falsetto] at first I found their attentions flattering. I
flirted, maybe a little too much. Then... the next thing I
know... I'm living in an After-School Special!
Oh GOOOOODDDD!!!! [sobs]
>a 12 year old girl's voice or even in person is not easy for adults
>to obey."
Crow: Try using a cattle prod to give 'em shocks to the shammies. Works
wonders.
> "So you want me to be your liaison officer," Keiko said.
Tom: I think Marrissa is a little young for liasons, don't you, guys?
> "Excactly," Marrissa relpied. " you can use one of the
>aft science stations."
Tom: [deep voice] Keiko O'Brien was never seen again.
Mike: So everything aft is dangerous?
Tom: Yeah, pretty much.
> "Captain we have a count on them," Yarr said. "12 ships."
Mike: Oh, wait. That one's just dirt on the equipment.
> "Estimated deployment?" Picard requested.
> "Two waves of 7 and 5," Yarr replied. "The first wave is
Tom: Pretty simple to beat. Just run to the far right of the screen
and press B repeatedly.
>broken into groups of 2, 1, 2, 2, from right to left."
> "Ensign Ro set a coarse for the far left Cardassian," Picard
>ordered.
Crow: I dunno. Look at their skins; they're pretty coarse as it is.
> "Patterson take us away from DS9," Marrissa ordered.
Tom: The farther the better.
> "Now clear of DS9," Patterson said after a moment.
> "Set a coarse for Bajor, full impluse," Marrissa said. "Alex
>keep an eye on those Cardassians. I don't want them sneaking up on
>us."
Tom: [chuckling] What's he going to do, look out the rear window?
> "Aye sir," Alexander said. After a minute had pasted,
Tom: Geez, you'd think Ratliff would stick to correct spellings occasionally.
Mike & Crow: [much groaning]
>Alexander had more information for Marrissa, "Cardassians have
>opened on DS9 and the Arizona."
Tom: Yes, Cardassians are now open in several locations!
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>Suggests and Comments welcome.
All: DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!
>This story was written before Pegasus.
Crow: And before the author learned English.
>Parts of Enterprised will remain avialable via email intil one
Tom: - brave individual storms Radford University and forces Ratliff
to get rid of his life's work.
Crow: You realize he misspelled the name of his own story?
>week after the last part of A Gul's Revenge is posted.
>Parts of A Gul's Revenge will remain available intill one week
>after a sequel (unnamed at this point) completes its posting
All: AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom: God, you strike hard and fast.
> Stephen Ratliff
> Radford University
>
>email: mail:
>sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu 5249 Lakeland Dr
> Roanoke, VA 24018
>Anything Can happen and usually does.
>alt.startrek.creative #9200 (0 + 35 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] A Gul's Revenge part 04
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Mon Jan 31 11:21:12 CST 1994
>Lines: 91
>
>THis is a sequel to Enterprized. Parts of which may be
Tom: Used as kindling.
>obtained via email or from the alt.startrek creative archive.
>
>This is Part 04 of A Gul's Revenge parts 01-03 may be obtained
>via email. if you requested parts before Jan 30 and have not
Crow: Gone insane since then...
>recieved them email me.
>
>================================================================
> A G U L ' S R E V E N G E
> by Stephen Ratliff
>--------------------------------------------------part 04-------
> Chapter Four
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
> DS9 was shaking under Cardassian assult. "Status, Mr.
>O'Brein," Commander Sisko asked.
Mike: [O'Brien] We're shaking under Cardassian assault, sir!
> "We've taken several hits to the docking ring sir,"
>Chief O'Brein said. "The ship the Ganges is after has recieved
Tom: A *lovely* FTD bouquet!
>damage to weapons and impluse drive. The Rio Grande's target
Mike: Is the Gulf of Mexico.
>is unharmed."
> "MAjor Kira is doing well, so see if you can help Dax
>a little more," Sisko said. "Ask Dax to lure her target nearer
Crow: To her torpedoes.
>to the wormhole."
>
> Two Cardassians were circling the Arizona. "Shields at
>40%," Lt. Small said.
Mike: [Q] Lt. Small? Aren't you one of the little people?
> "Fire phasers and torpedoes," Captain Morris said as
>another wave of tropedoes impacted the Arizona. Several people
>fell out of their seats.
All: [fall out of seats]
> "Captain, I don't understand this," Lt. Small said.
Crow: [back in seat] It's just poor writing. Try to relax and go
with the flow.
>"One of the Cardassians just exploded. The torpedoes came from
Tom: The fine plant at 3M! Yes, 3M produces high-quality modern
components which go into things you use every day! Your photon
torpedoes, your phasers, your brassiere, the artificial limb
you're wearing...
Mike: [nudges him; Tom stops]
>nowhere."
> "Send my thanks to Captain Picard," Captain Melaine Morris
>said. "But tell him we can handle it from here. Ensign La Motte
>bear down
Mike: [Worf] You may now give birth.
>on the remaining Cardassian."
>
> Meanwhile the Roanoke was in trouble.
Crow: Croatoan!
>"Captain aft sheilds are down,"
Tom: Aft shields! Of course. Y'know, I think I detect an aft fixation.
Crow: You mean a daft fixation?
Tom: [sullenly] My puns are better.
>Cheif Engineer Lockhard said on the smoky bridge.
Crow: Is Hugo Drax playing?
> "Cathy keep those Cardassians off our tail," Captain
>Szustakowski said. "Lt. Muldino contact the Galaxy and see if
Mike: The Bulls beat the spread in today's game.
>they can speed up their arrival."
> As Captain Szustakowski turned back toward the main veiwscreen,
>a panel behind him blew up. The explosion knocked the Captain
>to the deck and implanted several peices of jagged metal in his back.
Crow: [Ash] Ooh, that's gotta hurt!
Mike: Hey, I thought I fixed you!
Crow: I'm OK. That was just a normal impression.
>"Medical Emergance on the Bridge," Lt Commander Mike Walsky, the
>first officer said.
> "I'm all right Mike," Captain Szustakowski said as he lay
Tom: . . . bleeding to death . . .
>on the deck.
> "Respectfully Captain, you have several peices of metal in
>your back," Walsky replied.
Crow: I'm not dead yet!
> "You are bleeding badly. You will go to
Tom: The fiery pit of HELL!
>SickBay."
> "When they take me off the Bridge you have conn,"
Mike: [as Walsky] Oh my God, he's on to me! Oh, wait, he said *conn.*
>Szustakowski
>replied. "However, they will have to fix either the turbolifts or
>transporter before doing so.
Tom: Or they could take you down the *Jeffries tube.*
>Therefore, Cathy hard about Lt.
Crow: Cathy hard about Lt.?
Mike: I think it's a Native American name.
>fire phasers."
> The Enterprise-D saucer section was 10 minute from Bajor
>when Alexander announced, "Marrissa we have a tail."
Mike: [sings] Just look right back and you'll see a tail, a tail on
our faithful ship...
> "On screen," Marrissa replied. Gul Ducat's ship appeared on
>the screen. The insciption 'I lost to a bunch of kid's' clearly
>visable. "Fire tropedoes.
Tom: And the torpedoes too.
>Clara give us All the speed you can get.
Mike: We've got big exams tomorrow and we've gotta stay awake to study!
>We've got civilians to get to Bajor."
>
> Gul Ducat was attempting to close in on the saucer section.
Tom: He'd practiced on pottery, so he felt confident this time.
>"Faster helmsman."
Crow: Oh, so you want to go *faster?*
> "We can't go any faster," The helmsman said.
Crow: [Scotty] Dammit, sir, I'm givin' 'er all she's got!
> "Do you want to die, helmsman?" Gul Ducat asked.
Mike: Well, if it means escape from this fanfic...
> The Helmsman indicated he did not. "Then go faster."
> "Gul," the weapons officer said,
Tom: [ala James Bond] Jonathan *Livingston* Gul.
>"the enemy ship is firing on us."
Mike: Maybe that's why they're called enemies.
> "Ruturn fire with torpedoes," Gul Ducat said as the Cardassian
>ship began to close, slowly.
All: Kill them . . . kill them . . .
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>This story was written before Pegasus so any insight gained in that
>episode is not include in it.
Crow: Actually, any insight in general is not included.
>Parts 01-09 of Enterprized will remain available intill one week after
>the posting of part 06 of A Gul's revenge.
>
>A sequel to A Gul's Revenge, Cadet Cruise is being written
Tom: Oh, *no.* Not *more* of Marissa's thrilling adventures.
>Email me for parts you may have missed.
Crow: Well, you're obviously missing your -
Mike: Crow, no personal attacks.
Crow: I was going to say "dictionary" . . . really.
> Stephen Ratliff
> Radford University Student (Fr)
Tom: Francium? What does Francium have to do with anything?
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
>Next Part : The Battle Concludes.
Crow: Our struggle, on the other hand, is never over.
> posting arround the 3rd-6th of FEB. 1994
>alt.startrek.creative #9309 (0 + 62 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] A Gul's Revenge part 05
Mike: Okay, guys, this is the next-to-last installment!
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Fri Feb 04 11:29:01 CST 1994
>Lines: 86
>
>This is part 05 of A Gul's Revenge the sequal to Enterprized.
>Copys of Enterprised parts
Crow: "Enterprized" xeroxed its butt?
>may be obtained via email or the
>alt.startrek.creative archive.
>
>A Gul's Revenge was written before the episode Rivals of DS9
>and before Parralells of TNG.
Tom: Before DS9's "Rivals," before TNG's "Parallels," there was "A Gul's
Revenge!"
>============================================================
> A G U L ' S R E V E N G E
> by Stephen Ratliff
>---------------------------------------------part 05--------
>
> Chapter Five
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^
> The worm hole opened up and the Neubla Class starship
>Surak emerged.
Crow: This is no cave!
> The less damaged of the two Cardassians attacking
>Deep Space Nine began to turn toward it. It didn't complete
>the movement.
All: [shift uncomfortably in seats]
Crow: Uh, a little Correctol might help.
> "Commander, the ship the Rio Grande has been destoryed
Crow: What story?
>O'Brein said. "The Remaining ship is trying to retreat. The
>Surak, the Ganges and the Rio Grande are presuing."
Mike: Hey, you just said the Rio Grande was - oh, never mind.
>A flash filled the screen.
Crow: [kid voice] Moooom!!! Stop taking pictures of me when I'm in
the middle of a battle!
>"The remaining Cardassian has been destroyed."
>
> "Captain, Updates coming in now," Lt Yarr said. "The
>Arizona, Deep Space Nine, and the Surak are free of opposition.
>The Enterprise-C reports 2 kills. The Roanoke is requesting
>addiotional assistance.
Crow: From the local Indian tribe.
>The Galaxy stardrive and saucer are
>on their way to assist the Roanoke. Our saucer section reports
Tom: Got a B+.
>that its opponent is down to 5% sheilds and they remain untouched."
> "Set a course for the Roanoke," Picard said. "Cauculate
>for warp arrival. Send the Arizona and the Surak to clear the
>2 remaining Cardassians in the 2nd wave.
Tom: This wave, the trick is to line them up in your scope and wait for them
to get close.
>Send the Enterprise-C
>to help our saucer section. Decloak and engage." The Enterprise
>NCC-1701-D stardrive shimered into existance and went into warp.
>
> On the Roanoke Captain Szustakowski was still giving orders,
>even though a doctor had arrived.
Tom: The doctor outranks the captain?
>"Cathy hard to port," He rasped.
>"Fire phasers." The Neubla Class starship moved in on the port
>side Cardasian forcing it to retreat some distance or risk
>destuction.
> "Captain, Message form Captain Picard," Lt.jg. Grubb said
>with a puzzled look. "He wants us to sit back and watch the movie."
Crow: [Szustakowski] Oh, okay. OH MY GOD, IT'S "HIGHLANDER 2!" AHHHH!!!
> Suddenly the Enterprise-D stardrive appeared on the port
>side its id flashing by.
Crow: It's id? Come on, they've done so *many* psychological episodes
this season!
>Meanwhile on the starboard side the
>Galaxy stardrive arrived. Moments later the saucer section of
>the Galaxy came from above its id passing slowly by NCC-10521.
Mike: This story is seriously Freudian.
>The starships opened fire on the now greatly out numbered
>Cardassians.
Crow: We know they're numbered.. but greatly out? Did all the Cardassians
come out suddenly?
Mike: I've always wondered about Garrak myself.
> "Cathy let the others have clear shots," Captain Szustakowski
>wheezed. "Course down on the z axis."
Crow: I think it's time to *catch* some z's, myself.
> Just as the lat Cardassian ship was destroyed Captain Matthew
>James Szustakowski's eys closed and the Doctor announced, "He's
>dead Mike."
Mike: I didn't even know him!
>The Cadet at the Helm's eyes filled with tears.
>
> The tropedoes left the Cardasian ship going at near light
>speed. Normally they would have reached the saucer section in
>no time
Crow: But there was a plot contrivance.
>but they incounter resistance half way there and ran out
>of fuel. SO they drifted back and impacted the Cardassian ship
All: WHAT???!!!!!????
>The saucer had no such trouble. The Enterprise-D saucer section
>quickly disabled Gul Ducat's ship.
> "Marrissa the enamy ship has lost impluse drive, warp drive
>and all weapon systems," Alexander reported.
Mike: I think that's what "disabled" would mean in this context.
> "End firing and cut replusing tractor beams," Marrissa
>ordered.
Crow: Oh, repulsing tractor beams. Of course.
Tom: It's impossible to lock tractor beams on torpedoes, right?
Crow: Well, yeah, but at least it was a good effort at technobabble.
>Medical Log
>Cardasian Fourth Order
>Ship # 7
Mike: Ship number seven? No name? Just a number?
Tom: I am not a number, I am a free ship!
> Gul Ducat has been retrained
Crow: Now he's an electronic repair technician. They're really in
demand, and make good money.
>in Sickbay after a rampage on
>the bridge. It is my recommendation that he be committed.
Mike: [Dragnet announcer voice] Gul Ducat was committed to a Cardassian
mental institution. However, Stephen Ratliff remains at large.
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>The Final part to A Gul's Revenge will be posted between Feb 8-15.
>
>Supplment resource Crew's in Gul's Revenge will be posted Feb 7-9
>
>Parts to Entrprized will be available intill Feb 22.
>Parts to A Gul's Revenge will be available intill Mar 22
>
> Stephen Ratliff
> Radford University Student (FR)
>
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
>Next part : Warping up , Who adopts Marrissa?
All: WHO CARES?
>alt.startrek.creative #9361 (1 + 48 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>[1] A Gul's Revenge part 06
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Mon Feb 07 12:05:43 CST 1994
>Lines: 118
>
>This is A sequel to Enterprrised
Crow: [pirate] Arr! A sequel to Enterprrrrized 'tis, me hearties!
Tom: Is it Enterprised or Enterprized? Pick a spelling and stay with
it, Stephen!
>parts of which will be available
>intill Feb 14.
Mike: C'mon, Stephen! Have a heart!
>I want email.
Tom: It's good to want things.
> I need comments and sugestions on how to improve my
>writing
All: I'll say.
>and things you would lkie to see the Kid's Crew do.
Crow: I wanna see them fly into the blazing core of a star!
>Parts of A Gul's Revenge (01-06) are available via email to me as
>well. A list of charactors and posts of them is also available.
Crow: [Yogurt] Merchandising, Merchandising! Where the real money
from the fanfic is made!
Mike: [Zaphod] Gul's Revenge T-shirts, Gul's Revenge biscuits...
Tom: Gul's Revenge action figures?
Mike: Hey, why not?
>And Now the Conclusion of . . .
>====================================================================
> A G U L ' S R E V E N G E
> by Stephen Ratliff
>--------------------------------------------------part 06-----------
>
> Chapter Six
> ^^^^^^^^^^^
>
>Captain's Log STARDATE 47577.75
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive
>Captain Jean-Luc Picard Recording
>
> The Cardassians have withdraw for the time being. The
>Arizona and Surak are paroling the border now. The Enterprise-D
>stardrive will be under repair and upgrade intill STARDATE 47615.
>The saucer section was undamaged,
Tom: Marrissa does better than Picard, even though Picard's ship
was cloaked. I *really* despise this fanfic.
> however it cannot reattach due
>to docking latch damage on the stardrive side. The Roanoke will
>also be under repair untill STARDATE 47752.
Mike: Y'know, a lot of those scratches will just buff out.
> We will be conducting a funeral for Captain Matthew James
>Szustakowski, the Florases who died on are last mission and the
>69 others who died under the Cardassian attack.
Crow: Wow! What a body count!
Tom: Seventy-two people died because of this fanfic. It ought to come
with a warning label.
>The funeral in
>the main shuttle bay of the saucer section of the Enterprise-D at
>0800 hours tomarrow.
Mike: We're just gonna tie 'em all together, then blow 'em into
space.
Tom: And then let Worf get some target practice...
Mike: Tom, are you *sure* you're okay?
> I have just returned from the saucer section where I along
>with Captain Selv (Surak), Captain Morris (Arizona), Commander
>Sisko (DS9), Cadet Katherine Szustakowski (Roanoke), and Marrissa.
>set down the proposed regulations for the Kid's crew. They have
>been appproved as regulation 214.
Tom: Oh, *no.* Oh, *NO.*
Crow: He *can't* be serious.
> At that moment Marrissa (finally) was handing command over
>to Lieutenant Commander Data.
All: YEAA!!!
Tom: I agree with the "finally" in that sentence.
> "Marrissa to all Kid's Crew members," She said. "I am proud
>of your work for the past week.
Crow: But Jay, quit leaving your skateboard on the bridge, okay?
>I hope that it was as enjoyable for you as it was for me.
All: [coughing]
Tom: Boy, she has some weird idea of fun, huh?
>Captain Picard sends his congratulations
>on a Job well done and hopes that StarFleet will be able to use you
Mike: For cannon fodder.
>in the furture. You will be releaved in the next hour by Crew
>returning from the Enterprise-C. Mr Data you have conn."
Mike: And Marrissa is a con.
> "Thank you Marrissa," Data replied. "I add my
>congratulations to Captain Picard's. Any time you need help
Tom: You won't get it! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
>feel to call me."
>
> After the funeral, Captain Picard stopped by Marrissa's
>Quarters. He rang the doorbell.
Tom: Hey, that's Eeyore's tail!
> "Go Away," Marrissa yelled.
> "Your aren't Going to let your captain in?" Picard asked.
Crow: [falsetto] You're not my *real* captain!
> "Come in then, unless Counselor Troi is with you," Marrissa
>said.
> Captain Picard entered the quarters. He went over and sat
>on the sofa by Marrissa.
Crow: [Picard] So, Marrissa... alone at last.
Mike: Watch it.
> Marrissa was sitting curled up in a
>blankette
Tom: Any relation to a moist towelette?
Mike: Well, it's probably moist.
>looking at a picture of her parents. She appeared to
>have been crying.
> "You aren't going to sit here all day looking at that picture
>are you?" Picard said.
Mike: [falsetto] Yes, why?
>Marrissa kept silent. "Jay Gordon says you
Crow: Are really pretty, and he wonders if you'd go out with him.
>aren't even receiving his reports." She remained quiet. "The computer
>says you haven't eaten since STARDATE 47576.8. If you don't start
>eating or receiving visiters Counselor Troi will be down here."
All: AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Tom: Anything but Troi!
> "Any thing but Counselor Troi," Marrissa said
Mike: Good call, Tom!
>as she got up and went over to the replicator. "Turkey Sandwich
>number four and 12oz glass of strawberry juice."
Crow: *Straw*berry juice?
> "What have you got against Troi," Captain Picard asked.
Tom: Did you see "Dark Page?"
> "Would you like something?" Marrissa asked, avoiding the
>question.
All: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
> "Tea, Earl Gray, hot," Picard said as he joined her at the
>replicator. They picked up their food and sat down at the table.
> After a moment of silence Marrissa answer Captain Picard's
>question,"I pushed Commander Riker off on of the crossways on the
>upper level of the promenade when he informed me of my parents
>deaths.
Mike: [falsetto] I was seeking revenge. The "blame the messenger" thing.
Tom: But I'm feeling *much* better now.
Crow: [falsetto] I did it, okay. What're you gonna do, copper?
>I am not looking forward
Tom: To serving 3 to 5 for assault.
>to what Troi has to say about that."
> "Commander Riker informed me of your reaction,"
Tom: "Reaction?" Try attempted murder!
Crow: [film noir woman] It was an accident, I swear! ... I didn't mean
to, honest! Oh, you *must* believe me!
>the Captain
>replied. "We decided not to inform the Couselor. So unless Quark
>told her she doesn't know. Are you aware of your parents will?"
Mike: [Riker] Yes?
Crow: [Picard] Not you, Will.
> "Yes," Marrissa said, "I am hoping SOMEONE on this ship
>will adopt me."
Tom: Hint hint.
> "Would you like me to do so?" Picard said.
> "Yes," Marrissa said brighting. Then with a mischeavious
>glimer in her eyes she continued, "Especailly if you let me on the
>bridge every once in a while."
Mike: [Picard] You can shift gears, but don't touch the wheel.
> "Let you on the Bridge!" Captain Picard replied, "After
>this last week I'd let you have the bridge."
Mike: [falsetto] No, keep your dentures, please.
> Epilogue
> ^^^^^^^^
>
> Marrissa and Captain Picard were in a shuttle craft on its
>way to Lavar,
Tom: Burton?
>France.
> "What I want to know is why Admiral McGuire was so nice
>during our debriefing," the Captain asked. "I have never heard
>her use such polite langage."
Mike: Normally she swears a blue streak.
> "Maybe she relized that 50% of the ex-Commander of Starfleets
>have been Captain's of the Enterprise at one time," Marrissa said.
>"Or Maybe she has a maturnal instinct after all."
Crow: Or maybe she wants to see Picard suffer.
> "Admiral Mc Guire a Matural instinct," Captain Picard
>laughed. he noticed that they were neering the Picard family
>vineyard. "Where should we land?"
> "How about the front lawn?" Marrissa suggested.
Tom: [falsetto] How about the azalea bed?
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>This is the final posting of A Gul's Revengee Parts are available
>via email. The sequel to it Cadet Criuse wiil be posted when it is
>complete.
Mike: Please, take your time.
> Stephen Ratliff
> Radford Unversity Student (FR)
Tom: Fat Roseanne?
Crow: Fit Richard?
Mike: Fish Rebaiter?
>email sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
>Please tell be what you think about this story
All: It SUCKED!
[they get up]
>alt.startrek.creative #9329 (3 + 23 more) [1]
>From: sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Tom: Hey, no fair! I thought we were done!
>[1] A Gul's Revenge Referance List
All: [groans]
Mike: Oh, was this really called for?
[they sit back down]
>Organization: Radford University
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL0]
>Date: Sun Feb 06 18:05:47 CST 1994
>Lines: 87
>
>THis is A referance list for A Gul's Revenge Perpared because
>some people were havin touble with who is on what ship
Crow: Like you.
Tom: We're hitting new heights of incoherence here, guys.
>Attention alt.startrek.creative archivist Please add this to the
Tom: Archive in dev/null.
>End of A Gul's Revenge.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: A good cast is worth repeating.
Tom: A bad cast gets another shot anyway.
>Commanding Officers Ship Class
>Captains
>Jean-Luc Picard Enterprise-D,* Galaxy
>Melaine Morris Arizona Ambasidor(sp?)
>Matthew Szustakowski Roanoke Neubla
Crow: Szustakowski - Polish for "cannon fodder."
Tom: What the hell is a Neubla?
>Selv Surak Neubla
>Commanders
Tom: Because good captains need good commanders.
Crow: And bad captains need even worse commanders.
>William T. Riker Enterprice-C Amb.
>Benjiman Sisko Deep Space Nine
>Shelby Galaxy,s Galaxy
>Lueitenant Commander
>Data Galaxy,* Galaxy
>Civilian
>Marrissa Flores Enterprise-D,s Galaxy
>
>* Stardrive s saucer
>
>Ships`s crew in order of appearance
Mike: Oh, come on. Is it really necessary to mention everyone twice?
>Enterprise NCC-1701-D saucer
>Marrissa Flores Commanding Officer
>Clara Sutter Chief Engineer
>Keiko O'Brien Transproter Chief/Liaison Officer
>Jake Sisko Away Team Member
>Jay Gordon First Officer/CMD Away Team
>Alexander son of Worf Cheif of Security/Away Team Member
>Patterson Supra Conn Officer
Crow: I think I'm about all quipped out. This fanfic was really draining,
know what I mean?
Tom: I feel like my soul has been sucked from my body.
Crow: I don't see Morgan Shepherd around.
Tom: Huh?
>Enterprise NCC-1701-C
>CMD William T. Riker Commanding Officer
>
>Deep Space Nine
>Chief Miles O'Brien Chief of Operations
>Quark Owner of Gambling Establishment
>CMD Benjiman Sisko Commanding Officer
>Nog
Mike: Can't you guys think of *any* jokes?
Tom: Not a one.
Crow: It's kind of like the credits of "Monster-A-Go-Go."
Tom: Yeah, that same numbing effect.
>Rom
>Major Kira First Officer/Piloting Ganges
>Lt. Dax Science Officer/Piloting Rio Grande
Crow: Hey, Dax was the one who was destoryed!
Tom: The writers just don't know what to do with her character.
>Arizona
>Counselor Reedy Counselor
Tom: What else would she be?
>CPT Melaine Morris Commanding Officer
>CMD Shelby First Officer (transfers to Galxay,s)
>Lt. Small Chief of Security
>ENS La Motte Conn Officer
>
>Enterprise NCC-1701-D stardrive
>CPT Jean-Luc Picard Commanding Officer
>Counselor Deanna Troi
Crow: What position is she?
Mike: Uh, well...
Tom: Um, huh. I, uh...
Crow: It's obvious. She's... no, wait.
> Counselor
All: Ohhh!! A Counselor!
>LT. Tasha Yarr Chief of Security
>ENS Ro Laren Conn Officer
>
>Roanoke
>Matthew Szustakowski Commanding Officer
Tom: [Hannibal Lecter] Not anymore.
>Lockhard Chief Engineer
Crow: [laughs]
Mike: That's LOCKhard, Crow.
>Lt. Muldino Chief of Security
>LCD Mike Walsky First Officer
Tom: For a nominal fee, Stephen Ratliff will use *your* name as
that of a character in his next story. Send your wishes to
him via email.
>Cadet `Cathy` Szustakowski Conn Officer
>Lt.jg. Grubb Ops
Mike: Maybe that should be "oops."
>Surak
>CPT Selv Commanding Officer
>
>Galaxy saucer
>CMD Shelby Commanding Officer (transfers from AZ)
>
>Galaxy stardrive
>LCD Data Commanding Officer (transfer from E-D,*)
Crow: Hey, what about Spock? They lost him somewhere in "Enterprized?"
Tom: And Wesley? Where'd he go?
Mike: And what about Scarecrow's brain?
>-------------------------------------------------------------------`
>Copies of this resource
Tom: Are wastes of paper.
>will be available via email as long as
>A Gul's Revenge.
>
> Stephen Ratliff
> Radford University Student [FR]
>
>email : sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
Tom: Time to go, guys. I've got something I want to show you.
[they exit the theater]
<bridge>
[Tom is standing beside a box on the console]
Mike: So what have we got here, Tom?
Tom: [clears throat] Cambot? [music starts] Thank you, Cambot. I
present the limited edition "Gul's Revenge" action figures!
Mike, if you would be so kind?
Mike: Oh, sure.
Tom: Let's begin with the Gul Ducat figure. [Mike produces figure from
box] What adventure fanfic would be complete without an obsessive,
poorly drawn villain? Gul Ducat comes with a collection of Bajoran
vases, and he'll shatter them when he gets mad! [Mike pulls out some
pottery and makes Gul Ducat smash the items] Ha-ha! There goes the
saucer!
Crow: [Gul Ducat] I wish that was the Enterprise saucer! I'll get you
yet, Marrissa, you little human female tramp you!
Tom: Gul Ducat needs a place to be villainous and ineffective, so
here's the Ship #7 bridge playset! [Mike pulls it out] The
Ship #7 bridge comes with the Cardassian helmsman action figure.
[Mike places the helsman at one of the consoles and Gul Ducat on the main
bridge]
Crow: [Gul Ducat] Faster, helmsman!
Tom: [helmsman] I can't go any faster!
Crow: [Ducat] Do you want to die?
Tom: [helmsman] Why, no!
Crow: [Gul Ducat] Then go faster! Hahahahaha!!!!!
Tom: But a villain needs a hero - so we have our heroine, Marrissa
Floras! Combine the Marrissa figure with the Enterprise Saucer
bridge action playset, and throw in the rest of the kids' crew
for maximum fun!
[Mike discards the old playset and puts up the saucer playset. He puts
figures into place.]
Crow: [Marrissa] War is fun!
Tom: [Jay] Marrissa, would you go out with me?
Crow: [Marrissa] I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee!
Tom: Wrong sci-fi, Mr. Crow!
Crow: Oops. Sorry!
Tom: That's okay! [he clears his throat and takes a deep breath, then
throws himself back into his pitch with even greater fervor.]
Marrissa isn't alone in her fight! She has allies!
There's the cloaked "Enterprise D!"
Mike: [hunting in box] Where?
Tom: And there's the Roanoke bridge playset! It come with the Mike
Walsky and Captain James Szustakowski action figures! It's got
some really nifty special features, too...
[Mike sets up the bridge during Tom's speech]
Crow: [Szustakowski] Prepare to attack!
[Bridge panel blows up]
Tom: Yes, it's got the blow-up bridge panel! Mike, push the switch
there, on the side of the figure...
[Mike pushes the switch; metal shards pop out of Szustakowski's
back]
Crow: Cool!
Tom: Yes, Captain Szustakowski has metal shards imbedded in his back!
For added realism, just squeeze his sides together... [Mike does;
a jet of blood squirts out] and you can use the nifty arterial
spray feature!
Mike: Yuck!
Tom: Don't worry, Mike, it's just ketchup.
Crow: [Walsky] Sir, you're bleeding!
Tom: [Szustakowski] I know, you fool!
Mike: Tom, wrap it up...
Tom: There's so much more! [As he speaks, Mike takes figures from
the box and throws them over his shoulder] The Lt. Cathy
Szustakowski figure, with the nary-a-dry-eye feature!
[Mike squeezes figure, the eyes squirt copious quantities
of water.] The commander of all Cardassian forces! The
Melaine Morris figure, with black evening dress! [Crow
wolf-whistles] Captain Selv, with elf costume! The
fun never stops!
Mike: What do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: [writing on clipboard] "Arterial spray feature..." Frank,
we'll make a fortune selling those! It's dino-damage taken
to its logical extreme!
Frank: I want the Ship #7 action playset.
Dr. F: If you're a good Frank.
Frank: I'll be good!
Dr. F: You can start by pushing the button.
[Frank runs over and pushes the button.]
[Fade out]
Frank: [voice over] But I don't *want* to eat my Brussels sprouts!
Credits:
The original fanfic "A Gul's Revenge" was written (if that's the word)
by Stephen Ratliff, of Radford University. It's all his fault.
The MiSTing of the fanfic is by David Hines.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all related characters
are the property of Best Brains.
"Star Trek: the Next Generation" and "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"
belong to Paramount.
"Highlander" is copyrighted and trademarked, but I don't know who
holds those copyrights.
"Army of Darkness," directed by Sam Raimi and starring Bruce Campbell,
is an absofreakin'lutely hilarious film. If you watch it once you'll quote
Ash for hours. If you watch it a hundred and twelve times, your
personality will be replaced entirely with that of Ash. Practice
moderation. Think about it, won't you? Thank you.
Peter David was only mentioned once in this post, and no demeaning
remarks about him or any of his works is contained herein, in
compliance with MiSTing regulation #3765.01-25.
This posting is not a personal attack on Stephen Ratliff. All jokes
about him made by the characters in this posting are just that - jokes.
I have never met Mr. Ratliff, and have no reason to hold a grudge
against him. Anything he tells you about a bad deal down in Mexico
is a filthy lie.
The "Gul's Revenge" action figures are coming soon to a fine toy store
near you.
David Hines
dzhines@midway.uchicago.edu
*If you're interested in doing a MiSTing, subscribe to the MiSTing authors'
mailing list. Send your name and email address (along with a "Subscribe
me" message) to misties-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu .*
sratliff@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu:
>"Jake how would you like to help me retrieve three Feringi," Jay
>said.
> "Sure," Jake replied.
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